Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

His melodious voice breaks the room's dominant silence. At the same time, his skillful fingers strum the strings of his guitar. The cap covers his face and the digital camera skillfully placed on the nightstand protects his identity, so he plays calmly, allowing all his burdens and frustrations to emerge through songs and masterfully practiced notes.

Once he's finished, he wraps up the recording and removes the memory card, carefully packing it into his briefcase. He takes a few seconds to breathe before looking at Heeseung, whose smile widens as soon as their eyes meet.

"Thanks for letting me record here, Hee. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Hey, anytime. Just remember this when you're famous and don't forget to invite me to all your concerts."

A wry laugh soon leaves his lips.

"I don't want to be famous, Lee. The three gremlins I live with would never allow it."

Heeseung grabs his wrist, his intention to put his guitar back in its case cut short by that action.

"But you're months away from turning twenty. You'll be a full-fledged adult."

He raised an eyebrow at his friend. In his right hand, he has his cellphone, which he quickly glances at to check the time: 11:30 at night. He needs to run now or he'll be in serious trouble.

"So what am I supposed to do? Chase fame?" Heeseung was about to retort, but Sunghoon got in first. "I have to think about my brothers. No matter how many jobs I get, I can't find one that allows me to cover everything."

Paying their tuition leaves him broke. The only reason they don't go hungry is because their stepfather is obligated to feed them until they come of age.

He hates depending on Jaemin; unfortunately, there's little he can do at this point.

His best friend snatched his phone away despite his protests, opening his Instagram without much trouble and glancing at his profile. He should remember to change the password if he doesn't want Heeseung and Jongseong to discover another of his many secrets.

"Hey, look on the bright side. A few more followers and you'll have access to monetizing your videos. You could use some extra income, right?"

"Two thousand followers, Heeseung. Where am I going to get them?"

"Mhm..." He seemed to think about it for a moment. "You could show your face. You're quite attractive! That would definitely be the hook."

He snorted. He slammed his case shut and slung it over his shoulder.

"You and Jongseong are really obsessed with me showing my face. Give me back my phone."

Reluctantly, he handed it to him. Sunghoon muttered a brief, sarcastic "thanks" before heading for the exit.

"We just want the best for our little Sunghoon."

"And I don't want fame based on how attractive I am. I want to be appreciated for my voice and my lyrics."

The sound of the door closing echoed throughout his two best friends' apartment.

"You can't stay anonymous forever! Do you know that?" Heeseung shouted, even though he was already outside.

Sunghoon bit his lip, nervous.

How much longer can he stay hidden before all hell breaks loose?

Thank you for reading! If you want to contact me, here is my social media. Also, you can find me on my other profiles in ao3, wattpad and inkitt. (I reply faster on wattpad).

Wattpad:
Main account: jaeshja
NSFW account: ethoonke
Other fandoms: enhoyd

ao3:
Main account: jaeshja
NSFW account: ethoonke
Other fandoms: enhoyd

Inkitt:
Main account: jaeshja

Chapter Text

His cellphone vibrates in his pocket with a buzzing sound that reminds him of a bee. It hasn't stopped ringing all morning, overwhelming him. He considers turning it off, but it's so worn out that he fears it might never turn on again.

He can't afford to buy a new one. With so many upcoming expenses—the twins' tuition renewals, Christmas and New Year's parties—Sunghoon feels like he'll drown at any moment. The best thing would definitely be to prioritize expenses, but he wants at least this year to be different; his siblings have worked hard and he believes that they deserve something special. It may be small, but it will be full of meaning for the three of them.

The shaking of his cellphone persists, prompting him to grumble as he takes off his shoes in the entryway. He throws one and then the other before dropping his briefcase to the floor. By this point, he's so tired that the tingling sensation on his neck at the thought of leaving a mess in his wake is overshadowed by his desire to throw himself down in the first comfortable space he finds.

He doesn't stop to look at the name, just swipes his finger across the screen and tucks the old cellphone between his shoulder and ear.

"Hey," a warm voice resonates through the speaker, with a soft accent that makes his skin crawl. He lets out a weak sigh when he finds his brothers sleeping on top of each other on the cramped mattress. "Can I steal a little of your time, superstar?"

Sunghoon snorts. He takes the folded blanket at the foot of his bed and throws it over his brothers. Jo and Hikaru stir a little, though they don't wake up.

"Just shoot, Jaeyun. Your suspense is killing me."

He imagines Jaeyun biting his lip, a habit that he's noticed from their various video calls. Sunghoon, of course, never turned on his camera, too terrified at the thought of Jaeyun discovering his identity, because that would mean accepting that he'd lied to his face repeatedly.

He opened the window and climbed the fire escape, huddling between the bars and the warmth of the oversized sweatshirt he's wearing.

The silence on the other end of the line makes him think maybe the connection has been cut off, so he glances at the screen. Suddenly, Jaeyun speaks, so he returns the phone to his ear.

"I'll release an EP."

"Congratulations? I thought you already released one," he murmured. Jaeyun snorted.

"Yes, but I mean my EP," he closed his eyelids and let his head rest against one of the bars. The gentle night breeze, the cold weather and the singer's leisurely voice managed to dispel, for at least a few moments, all the tiredness that had settled on his shoulders. "I'll make my own music."

He gave a small smile.

"That's great, Jaeyun. I'm so happy for you," his voice came out as a whisper. He was getting too relaxed, so he blinked and straightened, praying that Jaeyun hadn't noticed that slip.

Luckily, he didn't say anything about it. He heard the distinct sound of a keyboard being pressed and imagined Jaeyun working with a furrowed brow and a gaze determined to devour the entire world. He didn't notice either of them adding anything for several minutes until Jaeyun's voice startled him.

"I'm so excited, although I also feel like I'm going to die of nerves," Sunghoon adjusted his glasses, pushing them up the bridge of his nose and tugged at the strings of his hoodie to tighten the hat around his head. "You're the first I've told this to."

"I'm flattered. I have the honor of knowing the latest scoop from the talented Sim Jake."

Jaeyun let out a husky laugh. The sound made every last bit of his skin tingle.

"Don't make fun of me," the rebuke was clear in his voice, increasing his amusement and causing a comforting warmth in his chest.

"I'm just playing," he seemed to purr against the speaker, and Jaeyun wanted to press himself closer to the phone just to hear him. He sounds so sincere and vulnerable in that moment that something in his chest twists and struggles to come out. "Why are you so nervous? Your music is really good."

He bit his lip, uneasy.

"I just want to be more sincere this time, do you understand?" Sunghoon hummed a small affirmation. "I want to achieve the same thing you do with your music."

"Come on, you're not serious," he snorted. His eyes fixed on the stair railings; the paint has begun to peel off, exposing the rust slowly taking over the metal.

"I'm dead serious," he said, his tone a little stiffer, with something deep inside that Sunghoon couldn't identify. "I'm your fan."

"You're talking nonsense," he brought a hand to his face to wipe away the small tears that had settled in the corners of his eyes. He's tired, every muscle in his body aches and his conscience fights against drowsiness. Does Jaeyun really admire this? He has no idea what he's saying and it's not his fault. Ever since he met him, he's struggled to hide the whole truth from him.

"You know every one of my words is true.”

His heart leaped against his chest. For some reason, that sentence sounded like Jaeyun knew more than he thought.

"Why did you call me, Jaeyun? It's eleven."

"Excuse the time," on the other side of the call, Jaeyun scratched the back of his neck, slightly embarrassed. He forced himself to push down any confusing feelings in his chest to continue the conversation. "I wanted you to listen to the title track and give me your opinion."

"Me?"

"Do you know any other Sung?"

He snorted.

"Why me?"

Jaeyun smiled; Sunghoon could almost feel it through the call. "Because I know you'll be honest."

"Fine. I'm listening."

"I'll turn on my camera, okay?"

He mumbled a short "okay." Soon, his screen lights up with the singer's image. Sunghoon really wants to resist it, but his eyes end up getting lost in every detail of Jaeyun: his smile, his slightly damp, pulled-back hair and the emotion shining in his irises.

"I haven't named it yet. Actually, I've only written a little of the lyrics and melody," Jaeyun's words bring him back to reality. He has to blink a few times to clear his mind and swallow, his throat feeling dry. "Living each day as if swept away, a small doubt arose.
Tired of all the words of everyone.
Who defines me.
The false paradigm that trapped me.
Crossing the border line drawn by someone," he closes his eyelids, letting himself be carried away by Jaeyun's soft voice and the sweet sound of his fingers strumming the strings of his guitar. "Here in our own universe,
Without caring about appearances.
Just this free moment.
You and me.

“It sounds personal,” he says quietly, still not opening his eyes. The song’s lines swirl around in his head, struggling to decipher the meaning of each one.

Jaeyun’s smile falters. His brows furrow and his teeth graze his lower lip a bit.

“It is.”

Then, Sunghoon opens his eyes at the same time Jaeyun stares at the darkened screen, and it’s that small moment when he feels as if his gaze is piercing him. As if Jaeyun truly sees him, in ways no other person has.

“I like it. It sounds like you.”

His knees touch his chest, so he rests his chin on them. The cold is increasing, so he should get back to the room soon if he doesn’t want to catch a cold. Although a part of him hopes this conversation never ends.

“Do you think the public will like it?”

He tilts his head, his eyelids squinting slightly as he searches for the right words.

"Do you like it?"

Jaeyun plays a little with the guitar in his hands. Eager fingers touch the wooden surface, his nails lightly scraping the instrument's perfect shine.

"Yeah," he sighs. Sunghoon smiles.

"That's what matters," Jaeyun seems hesitant. He opens his mouth, though no words come out, so he continues. "I don't make music for others to like. I make music because I have something to say, things I want to get off my chest and feelings to express."

Jaeyun scratches the back of his neck. His smile regains its original sweetness when he speaks.

"I think I want to do that, but it scares me. A little. It's a pretty big change."

"Everything new is always scary, but hey, it's a chance for new people to like your music. You might connect with a whole new sector you've never reached before."

Excitement sparks in his hazel eyes. Hope that maybe things can be different, better for his career and personal life.

“I want to. Although…”

“Yes?”

It takes Jaeyun a few minutes to gather the courage to look directly into the camera.

“I'd like to take that step with you.”

He feels a pang in his chest. Suddenly, breathing feels heavy and a tingling sensation touches his fingertips.

“Jaeyun…”

“With your help, I mean…” A blush rises up his neck to warm the tips of his ears. “As my co-writer.”

He bites the tip of his fingernail. On his screen, Jaeyun waits for an answer from him.

“Didn't you say this EP was just yours?”

Jaeyun opens his mouth. This time, there's a certain amusement in his expression and disbelief. As if he can't believe the challenge in his words.

"It is, but... It shouldn't be just mine. At least, not this song."

"I want it to be ours," the confession burns on the tip of his tongue, yet Jaeyun fears it might be too heavy. Perhaps he's not ready and he's there, pushing him to break his boundaries.

He heard a sigh.

"What do you want to say with this song, Jaeyun?"

The answer doesn't take long to come.

"I want to scream everything I feel. Everything you make me feel," he doubts whether he really said it or if it was just a figment of his imagination, though upon hearing the other's broken voice, he understands that he really did.

"Jaeyun, I can't," it's a painful plea. Jaeyun squeezes his eyelids shut while Sunghoon looks up at the sky, praying that tears don't start falling down his cheeks. Why does knowing this feel so good and yet so bad?

"Please listen to me, okay?" He pleads. When he doesn't receive any response, he exhales. The call continues. He sees the timer ticking down, so he decides to speak, secretly praying that Sung didn't run away and now he finds himself talking to nothing. "Ever since we started talking, my life has changed. You've changed me for the better and now I long to take this step, but I don't want to do it on my own. I want you by my side," Sunghoon covers his face with both hands, struggling to stifle the sobs that escape his lips. "I know it's difficult and scary, but..."

Again, silence. Sunghoon wipes his cheeks with the sleeves of his hoodie. Jaeyun's hoodie, in fact, he tried to give it back to him, but he claimed it looked better on him and that he should keep it. Jaeyun never knew how much that gift helped him, or all the little things he did for him without realizing it.

Sometimes, when the burden on his shoulders becomes too heavy, Sunghoon wants to scream. To do so for long hours until he loses his voice. Instead, he's done nothing but tear himself apart in silence so as not to worry his brothers. He also doesn't allow others to see him vulnerable, because he doesn't want their eyes to look at him with pity. He would hate to tell Jaeyun the truth and have the boy that he likes seeing him in the same way that everyone else does.

"Shout out."

"What?"

He clears his throat.

"You said that you wanted to shout everything you felt. Shout out," Jaeyun frowns. "For the name."

"Yeah, I got it," he says, a little dazed. It takes him a few moments to consider that option and finally manages a small smile. "I like it, it's a good name."

Sunghoon analyzes the man on his screen once more. The yellow lamplight makes Jaeyun's brown skin glow beautifully and his eager tongue keeps flicking at his lower lip. Inhaling and exhaling has become a difficult task as he watches him.

"Do you really want your first song to be with me?"

He watches him touch the back of his neck. When his smile takes on a certain confidence, he's grateful to be sitting down because his knees are shaking.

"I want it so badly, I can't stop thinking about it," he confesses. Then he continues speaking, and Sunghoon's whole world spins as he listens. "I find it very curious how you occupy so much of my mind with all your little things, Sunghoon."

Thank you for reading! If you want to contact me, here is my social media. Also, you can find me on my other profiles in ao3, wattpad and inkitt. (I reply faster on wattpad).

Wattpad:
Main account: jaeshja
NSFW account: ethoonke
Other fandoms: enhoyd

ao3:
Main account: jaeshja
NSFW account: ethoonke
Other fandoms: enhoyd

Inkitt:
Main account: jaeshja