Chapter Text
It's them that drive Peter Pettigrew to betrayal. Those stupid marauders. His roommates. His 'friends'.
Remus doesn't mean it, Pete knows that - he doesn't even see it. Remus considers he and Pete to be the lesser pair of the group - thinks they're equal, somehow. Well, he's the only one fool enough to think that. Remus is not equal to Peter; he is far, far above. Remus, who comes up with half of their pranks, who can figure out a spell in a minute, where it takes Peter an hour. Even Sirius would do anything to impress Remus. Frankly, it makes Peter sick.
Sirius drives him to it, too, and perhaps most obviously. He's an asshole to Peter - doesn't see him as an equal, barely considers him a marauder. He'd sooner bite off his own foot than spend an hour alone with Peter. At every turn, he makes him feel stupid and inadequate. He doesn't see him, doesn't see what he can do. Peter wants to show him, and he swears that he will. Oh, how badly Peter wants to see the look on Sirius’ face when he realises just who he is, who he's been excluding for so long.
But James is the worst of all. James Fleamont Potter. James, who is the sun, who shines on everyone - who does see Peter as equal. and this is why he can't go to anyone, can't explain it. If it were anything else, he'd go to Marlene for an ear. He could save himself from this path, he could - if it only wasn't James. He hates James. hates how easy everything is for him, and hates how James doesn't even see it. Things aren't easy for Peter. James thinks they're equal, all four of them. But he doesn't see, doesn't realise that they're not equal, because they're different. Because he has everything on a silver platter. True, he sees Sirius' struggles, but, well, how badly off is Sirius, really? Beyond the trauma of it all, there's absolutely nothing holding him back, not a single thing. But that's all James sees. He barely sees how hard it is for Remus, werewolf that he is. Peter sees that, and it almost makes him forgive him, but, well, Remus still has everything else, doesn't he? He still has the wit and the quick-thinking, and everybody loves him for it. James does not see Peter. never sees his struggles. never tries to understand. James is oblivious and obnoxious, and Peter can't stand it. He'll have his revenge for it, one day. He first swears that the day he turns thirteen years old, when James gets him a flying kit and a flying lesson for his birthday - another attempt to get him to join the team, despite Peter's inherent lack of athleticism, despite his insistence that he has no interest in being any higher than, say, three feet off the ground. But James doesn't listen. James wants all of his friends to fly, and what James wants, James gets, by virtue of being the most ridiculously generous narcissist the castle has ever seen. Petty, maybe, but it's a feeling that only intensifies throught he years. He swears it again now. And Peter doesn't fail.
He never feels guilt for it. Not for killing James. not for killing Lily, though he does wish her death could have been avoided. Not for ruining Remus' life - he didn't have much of a future waiting for him anyway, and Peter had come to loathe him even more after school, when he was all happy playing house with Sirius Black, a hero of the order, irreplaceable. Not for ruining Sirius' life, either; he was proud of that.
There is only one death he ever felt guilt for, one death he regretted, one person he wished he could have saved, and it was Marlene. In the end, though, it didn't matter, because he had to - had to kill her for the Dark Lord to trust him, so that he could prove himself to James, to Sirius and Remus.
He did wish he could have been what Sybil wanted, who she'd thought he was. But she must have known what he'd do - it must have been why she'd broken up with him. He didn't leave her, though. He'd promised he wouldn't and so he didn't. That's why he picked a place at Hogwarts. It certainly helped that he was in the thick of things, poised to hear anything useful for when the dark lord returned, but really he chose that place for Sybil. He would be close to her. He would always be close.