Work Text:
My Dearest Brother,
The house is quiet without you. I guess I never really thought I’d be here without you, I used to think that I’d always be right behind you, that we’d always be under the same roof. That was always the plan, I still don’t know why you had to go and change it, why you had to leave me behind. Mom and Dad don’t talk much, on bad days they look at me like they’re waiting for me to catch the drift and scram, on good days they look at me like a stray puppy, lost without the warmth of its litter. Your bedroom door is still open, the lights are off, I can’t bring myself to go inside. The dark used to be our playpen, you hiding me under your covers so we could have a sleepover. It’s suffocating now. I miss the sound of your laughter, echoing off the walls late into the night.
I remember still, Sunday afternoons on the couch, watching you play your favourite games. You would always voice the characters for me, long after I learned how to read for myself. You always seemed to know the answer to the puzzles intuitively, one step ahead of what my mind could digest. If I was lucky you would choose something multiplayer, and you would gently guide me through the mechanics, carrying us when I failed to catch up.
I remember still, when I lost my favourite toy. You drew me an effigy with drying out markers, cutting it out of paper with the scissors I was too young to use. I later found the real toy tucked in the back of your shelf. I must have tucked it there for safe keeping, knowing that your room was the safest place in the house, knowing you would protect it like you protected me.
I remember still, being alone at recess, you coming to me and including me in whatever you happened to be doing. I never wanted to do anything else, you were my guiding star. The ground under your feet is where I wanted to stand, whatever piqued your interest piqued mine as well.
We were supposed to be on the same track, I was always supposed to follow behind you. Without the trail you blazed behind you, I don’t know which way to go. Do I follow where you’re going now? The way I was always supposed to? Somewhere new entirely? I’m still trying to figure it all out, I’m sure you would have the answers. Not that you would share them with me now, you’ve ridden so far off on your high horse. I’m still working hard, I hope you appreciate that. But sometimes I’m afraid that I’ll always be aiming for second place.
Much love, some fear,
Your Baby Brother