Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Once upon a time in an unknown land called canada, there lived two human beings. Mike and Courtney. They were fake Canadians. Courtney was american and Mike was secretly british. But they somehow fell in love and got married and all that jazz. Whodathunk. 

Anygays, we shall continue with this story.

Courtney awoketh by the sound of the iphone alarm ringtone. Her eyes immediately turned dark and she went into alpha mode, angered by Apple for creating such a horrid noise. She quickly got up, not caring about Mike as she scrambled to the garage. There, besides the Lamborghini’s was a hammer. A good ass hammer. A hammer used to break open salsa jars. The salsa hammer.

“Mm, yes,” she whispered. “The salsa hammer.” And ran back to the bedroom. Mike had not awoken by the sound of the alarm, but he will soon.

Courtney smashed her phone with the salsa hammer, shattering it into a billion jillion million pieces. Mike woke up, horrified by the sight of his wife breaking her iPhone 16 Pro Max with the salsa hammer.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THE SALSA HAMMER??” He shrieked. Courtney only smirked and spat on the shattered phone.

“It’s for your own good, Mike.” She drawled as she approached his phone as well.

“COURTNEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?” The man was petrified. Holy shit. She was using the salsa hammer again. “Honey, trust me on this. I have been waiting to do this for 36 years.” She lunged and smacked the hammer onto his phone, but it did not break.

“What the fuck?” She hissed before attempting to smash it again. Again, it did not break. “What is this tomfoolery?”

“Chip chip cheerio!” Mike called, unable to hold back his natural british instincts.

“SHUT UP!!!”

That shut him up. The poor guy was scared for his life. He often returned back to his mother tongue when the salsa hammer was brought out. He was like a gopher. 

Courtney snarled, her eyes turned red from rage. She could smell the britishness. Good god was this man the most british motherfucker she had ever seen, let alone marry.

“Michael I will divorce you if they manage to leak the next album.”

“Yes ma’am!” He saluted. She scoffed.

Courtney quickly threw on some jeans and a paramore t shirt, ignoring the abomination of what used to be an iphone 16 pro max. She got in one of the Lamborghini’s and quickly drove through half of British Columbia. 

We are just gonna ignore the fact that she may have ran over 63 people and 1 horse.

Anygays, she arrived at the studio. As she strutted around, everybody bowed down to her, even Vessel from sleep token who was shoved to the ground by Courtney’s makeshift security team. He screamed, “OH AND MY LOVEEEE DID I MISTAKE YOU FOR A SIGN FROM GOD??”

Courtney snapped, “FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU” and then slammed the door to Spiritbox’s recording studio.

There, Zev and Josh were already there. Courtney panted, after yelling at Vessel, her vocals were already warmed up.

“Yall we gotta make a diss track right now.” She said.

“Wait… who pissed you off today?” Josh questioned.

“Apple.”

“Apple… why the fuck are you pissed off at all apples?” Zev stated.

“NOT THE FRUIT ZEV! YOURE THE FUCKING FRUIT!! IM TALKING ABOUT THE COMPANY!!” She spat again.

Zev recoiled. Nobody had ever called him fruity before. Nobody. Not even his make believe boyfriend. Oh my fucking god. 

Courtney continued to call him homophobic slurs despite the fact that she has admitted to the band that she is extremely thirsty for tatiana shmayluk. yes. that tati. she has even referred to her as ‘tati tot’ before. she’s so real for that ngl.

Anywho,

“We need to make a diss track.” She stated bluntly before pulling out a scroll from her bag. This bitch pulled out a damn elder scroll. Jk. It was a game plan. Courtney laid it out on the table before pointing to the first bullet point. Josh and Zev leaned in. 

“We must start here,” she began reading the first line.

“It says, ‘Rule number 1 to winning against the microchips Apple put in our brains when they announced that fuck ass iphone 17. We must kill our enemies’”

Zev was stunned. He fell to the floor and gasped like a Victorian widow. Courtney just stared at him.

“…should we do something?” Asked Josh.

Courtney shook her head. “No. Let him be. The fruitiness has killed him.” She returned back to the game plan.

“‘Rule number 2 to winning against Apple. We must gather our allies. The Coilers are our best bet. I’m gonna call Cristina.”

Josh was stunned. He nearly fell to the floor as well, but instead he didn’t because why not.

“You just… you have cristina scabbia’s phone number?”

“Of course I do, dumbass.” She tried to grab her phone but it wasn’t there. Of course it wasn’t there. She had smashed it with the salsa hammer.

“Josh, give me your phone.” Josh handed his phone over, and she quickly dialed Cristina’s number.

“Ciao, who is this?”

“It’s courtney. I need your help.”

“With what exactly?”

“Apple. It’s already killed my drummer.” Courtney replied.

“Drummers are replaceable, you know that right?”

“That’s not the point. Anyways, we need the backup Coilers.”

“They’re on their way.” Cristina confirmed.

Courtney hung up and sighed, relieved about the coiler situation. She just hoped none of them knew about the vehicular manslaughter she committed earlier that morning.

Oopsie daisy. She had forgotten about Mike. What was he doing? Who cared about that fake canadian. He was also fruity. Maybe he died from the fruitiness at home. 

Suddenly, cristina scabbia burst through the door.

“Is that.. *gulps* …your pussy?” She pointed to the cat sitting on the floor.

“That’s not my pussy,” courtney replied. Josh was too shocked to speak. Is this how lesbians communicated? What was he missing out on in life?

“Thank god because it’s fucking ugly,” Cristina said.

Courtney gasped. “Don’t call my pussy ugly ever again or I will bring out the salsa hammer.”

Cristina screamed and fled the scene. Courtney didn’t even get to tell her about the horse she murdered on the drive here. God forbid a girl has hobbies.

“DRIVINGGG IN MY CAR RIGHT AFTER A BEERR—“

Mikes voice suddenly cut through, stopping her in her tracks.

“Courtney… I know what you did.”

Courtney’s eyes widened, her words stopped. She got caught.

“I didn’t mean it!!”

“The fuck do you mean? You ran over 63 people at 107 miles per hour while singing Mitski!!”

“I DIDNF MEAN IT MIKE!!” she screamed. Josh died. His body on the ground next to Zev. Doomed yaoi.

“YOU DID!! YOU SCREAMED A HORSE NAMED COLD AIR WHILE RUNNING OVER A HORSE!!” He yelled

“HIS NAME WAS COLD AIR!!!” 

“IM GONNA DIVORCE YOU COURTNEY!!” Mike blurted.

“I DONT CARE IF YOU DO BECAUSE I ALREADY MARRIED TATIANA!!”

Mike froze. His heart shattered. His wife was… gay?

“You… you what?” His voice was shaky.

“That right, Mike. We’re married. Have been since last Tuesday.” She said.

Mikes world shattered like an iphone 16 pro max. This was not the salsa hammer he was expecting. 

to be continued…

Chapter Text

Tatiana sat in her house with her husband Alex. She was mad. Courtney was not responding to her texts. Despite being married to her, Alex knew Tatiana was in lesbians with courtney. Alex hated courtney. Courtney hated Alex.

Tatiana suddenly stood up and announced, “I’m going to call Lena.”

Alex replied, “K.”  He was too busy messaging the suicide silence groupchat despite leaving the band 3 years ago. Those ungrateful bastards.

The bathroom door shut behind tatiana as she called Lena Scissorhands from Infected Rain (fire ass band btw). Lena picked up.

“Lena, Courtney isn’t responding to me, what do I do?” Tatiana panicked.

Lena only laughed from the other end of the phone. “Are you fucking stupid? Courtney’s in jail!”

“WHAT??” Tatiana yelled.

“She apparently ran over 63 people and a horse. I don’t know how she did it. My personal best is 14.”

“Lena.. you what?”

Lena shushed her and started whispering. “Cristina turned her in.”

“Oh no… I never trusted her.”

“Tati you literally told her about your mommy issues the first time you met her.”

“That’s not relevant!”

Lena sighed, “Well you should go see Courtney. She’s up in Canada though so I don’t know how you would get there.”

“Oh I’ll get there somehow.” Tatiana was mad again. Nobody could put her babygirl in prison.

“Well good luck, call me if you need anything.”

“Bye babygirl.”

Tatiana hung up. How could this possibly happen? She was in lesbians with courtney and… she was in prison for doing nothing but being courtney. And part of Courtney’s personality was murdering innocent people.

She stormed out of the bathroom and walked back to Alex.  “I’m off to canada,” she said. 

“Hey brochacho, how will you even get there?”

“I’ll hijack a plane.”

“…oh.”

Tatiana stormed off again. She quickly packed her bags, remembering to bring all of the items she needed. Firearms, water bottles, airpods, and Post by Bjork on vinyl. She was ready to go to war.

————————————————————————

Tatiana boarded the plane only to be greeted by the sight of Cristina Scabbia.

“You.. you tracked me!” Tatiana accused.

“Of course I did. You bought that fuck ass iphone 17.” Cristina said, smiling darkly. She continued. “The new iphone 17 has mind trackers in them triggered by the alarm ringtone.”

Audible gasp.

Tatiana was betrayed. “What did you do to my wife? I am in lesbians with her!”

“I simply just reported her to the police. That horse did not deserve to die.” 

Tatiana gasped loudly. Courtney killed a horse. Did the horse deserve it? Probably.

“That does not mean she deserves prison time, you [REDACTED]!!” She screamed.

Cristina simply ran to the emergency exit door and jumped out of it while singing, “ITS THE FINALLL COUNTDOWNNNN”. Dear god was this woman fucking crazy.

Tatiana was so mad that she almost forgot her task at hand. She had to hijack the plane. She quickly pulled out an ak 47 and began loading it. Heading to the cockpit of the plane, a flight attendant stopped her.

“Put the gun down!!”

“NO!!”

Tatiana fired, killing the flight attendant. She shoved open the door, startling the pilots.

“This is my plane now! Do not call 911!” She pointed the gun at the pilot. “Move and I’ll shoot you!”

The co pilot moved. He died. Tatiana swung the gun at the main pilot, knocking him out. She drug his limp body to the back of the plane and tossed him out of the still open emergency door.

She returned back to the front of the plane only to be overwhelmed by the amount of buttons. 

“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfufkcufckfujcic” she said. She pulled up her phone and googled, ‘how to fly plane microsoft flight simulator.’

————————————————————————

But fate… the cruel mistress she is, had other plans.

Courtney paced her jail cell, muttering more homophobic slurs under her breath. Why in the world did her vehicular manslaughter impulses had to happen today? Why did cristina scabbia have to turn her in? Were they not besties ? Were they not in lesbians?

Suddenly, the cell(ar) door opened. Tatiana walked in. She looked like she had just gone to target. 

“Tati.. you’re here?”

“Bitch I’m always here.”

They hugged. Courtney nearly suffocated. DIVA DOWNNN

Tatiana said, “I’m gonna get us out of here, okie?”

“Yes please,” replied courtney.

They escaped the cell and ran through the jail like it was azkaban or something idk I don’t read harry potter. As they approached the exit of the jail, security stopped them. The persons face was concealed with a slipknot mask. Courtney gasped. “Holy shit… SLIPKNOT MENTIONED?”

No. No it wasn’t mentioned.

Tatiana ripped off the mask only to reveal taylor swift. Taylor was stunned and immediately reached for her radio. Courtney sucker punched her immediately, and taylor swift was dead. Tatiana just stood there, looking upon the scene, and scoffed.

The merrily skipped past the exit, arms entwined as they reached the parking lot. Car windows were smashed, alarms went off. Courtney had a flashback to her smashing her own iphone 16 pro max with the salsa hammer. She quickly shook her head and climbed into the passengers seat.

Tatiana shifted the gears and gripped the steering wheel. “This is how we do it in Ukraine,” she stated bluntly before the engine started. Soon enough, they were on the highway singing along to madonna.

Nobody likes madonna in canada for some reason so it caused a pileup worth 98 cars. Oops.

—————————————————————————

Cristina screamed as her car was hit from behind. People heard like a prayer and went rabid. Cristina loved madonna so she did not understand why this was happening. 

Her car was totally totaled. She slammed the door shut as she got out and started screeching at random cars. Some had to dodge to avoid her, causing an even bigger pileup. Holy moly goodness gracious.

—————————————————————————

Lena Scissorhands was on her couch watching the news. It was 5pm. That doesn’t mean anything in this story but I’m jsut stating that it was 5pm. The news channel was displaying a massive 174 car pileup on a highway caused by two women playing madonna. She looked closer. It was tatiana and courtney. YOWZERS!1!1!1!

She had warned her friend. Her friend did not listen. That bitch. That giggleshitter. Lena was going to get revenge.

Standing up, she grabbed the phone book, searching through the ‘C’ section.

Somewhere in the distance…

Mike Stringer was watching.

Chapter Text

Mike Stringer had always been an enigma. Courtney married him as soon she found out he played guitar. They didn’t even love each other. They will NEVER fall in love

👎👎👎

anyways, he sat in the house crying. The tv was on, instead of blues clues it was on the news. The newsreporter was extremely panicked and explaining how the signer of spiritbox and the signer of jinjer were running people over and causing the worst bloodbath in canadian history. Mike felt no pity for those who were dead, as he wasn’t canadian, but he was sad that his wife left him for tatiana.

”fuckkkkkk im gonna go play minecraft.” He said. And then he played Minecraft. But he wasn’t playing normal minecraft… no, he was playing EVIL MINECRAFT!!!!

courtney shrieked as bullets grazed her, attempting to rush to the front door of tatianas house. 

“ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ.” Was stated.

tatiana shoved her in the house before they could get shot. The police stopped shooting at the house after that. 

“phew,” tatiana said, heaving like a hyena. “We almost died.”

suddenly a voice came through.

”YOU almost died?? You killed 9283 people and another horse named cold air!!!”

it was lena scissorhands. And she was on horseback. Courtney fainted when she saw the hidse. It was cold air. Tatiana froze when she heard courtney bonk. 

lena’s voice deepened and she turned into Batman. “Courtney… cold air has come to avenge you… you murdered him and his boyfriend also named cold air.”

tatiana yelled “SHE DID NOT!! SHE IS INNOCENT!! I AM IN LESBIANS WITH HER!!!”

lena only laughed. “I know you are in lesbians with her. But it’s only right that courtney gets what she deserves.” She pulled something out of her pocket… it was… a hammer?

courtney awakened and screamed. “NOT THE SALSA HAMMER! ANYTHING BUT THE SALSA HAMMER!”

lena spoke, “I know how you got it. You stole it from cristina didn’t you?”

”NO! I didn’t!”

”that’s the only location where the salsa hammer has been for the past 85 years.”

”wait cristinas 85 years old?”

”no.”

”oh.”

tatiana was startled. Absolutely shooketh. Courtney stole the salsa hammer and now lena has it? “Wait… lena, where did you get the salsa hammer?”

lena froze. The horse neighed. “Ummmm…”

courtneys eyes glowed red again. “Did you steal it from my husband?”

lena blushed and thought of something. She could distract them and run away from them.

in her best cher impersonation,

”DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE??”

she ran away on horseback and jumped out the window. It shattered. Just like tatianas bills.

tatiana decided to confront courtney.

”you… you stole the salsa hammer? How could you do this? It’s a mythical artifact!”

courtney opened her mouth but could not speak. 

“Courtney, you stole it from her? HER? MY EX WIFE?!”

DUN DUN DUNNNNN

”wait… Cristina’s your ex wife?” Courtney asked.

tatiana shut her mouth after that.

Cristina was on stage with lacuna coil. There was nobody in the crowd. But not to cristina. In fact, cristina was schizophrenic and managed to threaten the band to play to the non existent audience. Well they were existent to her.

ourt truth was playing. 

“WHOA OH OH WHAO OH OH WOAH” I forgot the rest of the lyrics.

Cristinas phone buzzed in her pocket. Lena texted her. 

I have the salsa hammer and cold air. I managed to confront them but I escaped.

cristina just laughed and ran offstage.

mike was playing EVIL MINECRAFT until he got an idea. He googled “how to divorce evil screaming cheating lesbian wife who murders people for fun.”

little did he know that lena owned google and was tracking his search history. That’s how she found out where tatiana and courtney were. You don’t just google “how to fly plane microsoft flight simulator” unless you were planning on breaking somebody out of prison.

google stocks have been in the negatives ever since lena bought the company. ruh roh shaggy!

but google did not matter in this moment. Lena was on the run, cristina was going to kill courtney, tatiana was shooketh, and Mike was playing evil Minecraft…

Chapter Text

Hello! I apologize for taking a loooooong time with updates!!

I’m currently dealing with school and a medical issue im getting treated for (it fucking hurts), so fanfic isn’t really at the top of my priorities list rn :( 

however, id like to let you know that this fic isn’t abandoned or forgotten, I just simply don’t have enough time or spoons to write. 

I’ll make up for it when im feeling better I swear 🙏

thank you!! i appreciate all of my readers in this really niche genre of fic lmao!!

Chapter Text

AN: rawdogging this straight into ao3 on my phone rn ALSO GUYS I FUCKING HATE PARENTAL CONTROLS WTF U MEAN I CANT READ A MATURE FIC ON MY LAPTOP BUT I CAN READ IT ON MY PHONE 😭😭😭 WDYM I CANT ADD NEW CONTACTS TO MY PHONE WDYM I CANT ADD FRIENDS ON MY XBOX PROFILE WDYM I CANT DOWNLOAD APPS WITHOUT MY PARENTS APPROVING IT WDYM I CANT GET A FUCKING MEDICAL APP CUZ ITS 18+ FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKIINNGGGGGG DDDAAAAAAAMMMMNNNNN IIIIITTT GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE

okay back to the fic 😊

a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away,

There lived a woman named taylor swift. im not a theater kid so im not gonna be dramatic but basically she was gifted a hammer by the salsa god and then went insane. ta da.

taylor swift went crazy from the power of the salsa hammer. it made her bestie check her into a mental hospital. taylor killed everybody there so she went to prison. she managed to escape that and become a guard. so yeah she died from courtney (I think?) while courtney and tati were escaping. give this girl a raise PLEASE 😿

Anygays, let’s go back in time a little. 

cristina had heard the news that taylor went crazy with the hammer by the salsa gods. she was very intrigued (and also stupid) and went on a quest to find the salsa hammer. she almost died 12 times but it was okie cuz she got the salsa hammer in the end.

Thats also when she met tatiana 😈

They met on a boat. Cristina was stranded at sea and tatiana was floating in the water. cristina didn’t know whether tati was dead or not but drove her boat over and yelled “HONK HONK” tatiana awakened and cri offered to take her on the boat on the quest to find the salsa hammer.

They then fell in lesbians 😻😻😻 they traversed thru oceans and jungles and deserts and everything. and then they found the salsa hammer in a ditch on the side of the road. they took it home where it would remain for 300 years. 

UNTIL. cristina was forced to be with this zesty ahh man named jim root. they HATED each other and hated the big fancy company that forced them to date for publicity. GRRRRRRRR

tatiana was extremely disheartened but knew it was for the best 💔 that was until she came home to cristina yelling and screaming at jim root and corey taylor.

THEY WERE HAVING SAY GEX IN THE KITCHEN!!!

Alarmed, tatiana screamed and tried to grab cristina, however cristina fainted and lowkey kinda died so tati ran anyways. she never heard from her again until recently.

tatiana was on the run for a while until she met courtney. courtney was GORGEOUS, BI, AND COULD PUT UP WITH TATIANAS YAPPING.

Wife.

however courtney was in a lavender marriage with mike stringer. this did not change tati’s mind. they got married in secret while mike was sad. mike was very zesty but he could not contain his sadness. 

Oh I forgot to mention that tatiana also grabbed the salsa hammer years ago while she was running out of the house. It resided in courtney and mikes house after they got married. 
courtney and tati were very happy, they would be gay, make da music, have sesbian lex, and play microsoft flight simulator together ❤️

That was until courtney started venting about her urges to kill people and animals. tatiana did not panic, courtney often used a shit ton of metaphors (too many istg) and did not call a therapist yet.

until courtney murdered simone simons from epica. that whole ordeal was fucking wild, simone is dead, cristina is pissed cuz she rebounded with simone after tatiana fled, things had to be arranged ofc. courtney almost went to prison. NOW, cristina was very very very very upset about simone’s death, she started writing diss tracks about spiritbox with lacuna coil (never broke the charts but anyways)

But simone was also pissed. From the afterlife ofc. she started to haunt mike and courtneys house. long story short she was possessing courtney to do even more evil deeds 😈

to be continued… im really sick rn ill finish this later I swear 😭