Work Text:
It doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen over many nights.
His conversations with Neil grow longer and longer and happen in places other than the rooftop. They never quite lose the competitive, give and take edge that made them so compatible at first, but it becomes less noticeable. Neil will give pieces of himself without asking for anything in return. Andrew will say something about himself without demanding that Neil give something back. Both of them were so tied up by their secrets that it being without them for once feels odd at first but liberating in the end.
It’s so gradual that Andrew doesn’t even realize at first, only catching on that something about him is changing.
One night during the summer before his junior year, Neil hovered a hand over his chest and whispers, “Yes or no?”
Andrew considered the fresh scars on Neil’s face and remembered how he ran all over Baltimore that night, searching for any sign of Neil. He had known then that what was between them was more than just a simple fling, but then again, he had always known. That night was just a wake-up call.
Now, nobody was going to take Neil. He belonged to Andrew and only Andrew, and anybody who wanted to stand between them would learn what it really meant to take what was his.
He trusted Neil, so he whispered, “Yes.”
That night, Neil’s hands didn’t go anywhere but his chest, and Andrew knew that if he said, “No,” at any point, Neil would stop, and guessed this was what safety felt like. Over the coming months, Neil's hands and lips would go other places on Andrew's body. It was difficult at first, but eventually, Andrew was able to let Neil touch him and only felt the ghost of the familiar sense of dread in the pit of his stomach he usually felt when someone got near him.
As the years went by, Neil would never touch Andrew without his consent. Even when Neil graduated from Palmetto State and was secure in his Exy career, it was always, “Yes or no?” He hadn’t forgotten the significance of asking permission, of always making sure Andrew wanted to receive what he wanted to give.
They slowly settled down, buying a house together and cats. Neil kept in touch with all the original Foxes, so therefore, Andrew did, too. They both played Exy for the same team, and the when they beat Kevin’s team, Neil hugged him like they had conquered the world. Andrew knew that in Neil’s mind, they had.
They never gave up taking drives to nowhere or smoking together at night. Their coach gave them hell for it, but neither one could give up cigarettes now. They were irrevocably a part of what made them Neil and Andrew.
Andrew found himself chuckling when Neil relayed the story of what their coach’s face had looked like when Neil told him that neither one of them would be giving up smoking any time soon. He had surprised himself with that laugh, and he expected Neil to be surprised as well, but Neil just went on with his stories.
It wasn’t just the laugh. Upon examining his life, he realized that there were instances when he smiled with only a hint of the cruelty his smile had in college. He smiled to himself when Neil got out of the shower at night or fell asleep while they watched a movie. He smiled when he found their cats curled up against each other. He even smiled when Wymack told him to fuck off about his and Abby’s relationship.
And one night, when he was a little over thirty years old, Andrew Minyard realized that he had found some version of happiness. It happened as he laid in bed one night and stared at Neil sleeping peacefully, his scars still there but faded.
He wasn’t completely okay and never would be, but what he had was good enough. He was able to smile and even laugh sometimes. He still had his bad days, but then there were the good days, where he had Neil by his side and felt like finding new ways to make him do something surprising was the most entertaining game in the world.
He had found his version of happiness. That scared him, but he was older now, so he wouldn’t destroy it.
Neil stirred and woke up, his blue eyes bleary with sleep. He blinked a couple times before focusing on Andrew’s face. He didn’t ask if Andrew was okay, because he never asked and if he did Andrew would end him, but he did whisper, “Yes or no?”
“Yes,” Andrew whispered, and Neil kissed him softly, grabbing onto Andrew’s hair.
“I hate you,” Andrew whispered against Neil’s lips. He couldn’t help the small smile that came to his lips.
“You have for ten years,” Neil replied, and sank back against the pillow.
Andrew followed his example, and fell asleep. He didn’t dream, but that meant that he had no nightmares.
This was his version of okay.