Chapter Text
Scorching, suffocating, and imperfect.
Who am I to define the complexity of the corrupt human within me? I am dust, atoms, and simple cells scattered across a field of stars. And yet, he comes to me and holds me in the warmth of his love. Just like a human.
"Would you agree to be my protector?" I ask him, hoping to hear a ray of light and hope in his voice.
"I agree to condemn you, Michael."
He smiles. He smiles because he knows that I have agreed to become the victim of his deception.
His lips press against mine, and I taste heaven in a kiss. Yoichi is a traitor who condemns and saves me from my exile at the same time.
"How does it feel to kiss a sinner?" I whisper against his moist mouth. We haven't moved, even though destiny is slow in coming.
Time can wait.
Warm, tempting, and perfect.
"It feels wrong."
Just like you.
"Did we have a chance to live here?"
"We had the chance to never have it."
Yoichi loved me, but he loved humanity more. Wasn't that an angel's duty in the first place? It is. Once created, an angel's only job is to worship God's creation. I loved humanity, but I had learned to love him more than anything else.
Wasn't it?
Perhaps.
I don't understand the abstract concept of romantic love. What is it like to be loved by someone you love? By oneself? All I had ever known were angels, rules, and duties.
I was created to protect, overcome, and guide God's kingdom. To be the defender and prince of an army.
So why did I question?
"You will live and die like one of them." His voice guides me, and I collapse to the ground like a bird whose wings and life have been torn away. "May Father forgive you for disobeying your title."
The sword that was once mine lies stained with my blood. Blood. Could we bleed like them?
"Father has abandoned me," I reply.
Just like you.
"I will guide you to your judgment. Aren't you happy about that?" His deep eyes remind me of the vast Baltic Sea in southern Germany. It's a place we once visited together. "I will be your executioner this time."
"Yoichi, you always were." I laughed in his face, but I knew he didn't find it funny. The fiery glint in his eyes reproaches me.
Once, I fell in love with the angel of death. I once thought of abandoning Heaven and living here with him among mortals. Dying like them. Having dreams and aspirations like theirs.
But we are angels, aren't we? How can you know what love is if you only know the love of sinful people?
"I hate you." I spat out, but I'm not really sure if that's what I want to say. "I hate you so much."
You should have accepted redemption." Yoichi approaches me and crouches down, the silver sword resting on his shoulder. His huge black wings rise and trap my cold body in a cocoon. "You should have done it, Michael."
“Disobedience is what you call it.”
He approaches me, cupping my pale cheeks. I have lost interest in examining the deplorable state he has left me in, where I once had the most beautiful feathers. I am dying, bleeding here before his eyes.
"I'm going to ease your pain, okay?" he whispers over my face. "It'll be quick."
"No, please don't." For the first time, I beg death for mercy. "Let me see you a little longer. Let me hate you a little longer."
"You can't. You'll die anyway." The coldness of his voice pierces the fabric beneath my body. He is stealing my last breath. "Don't make it harder."
"You made it harder."
I know it's hard for you to kill me. It's hard for you to take me away. It's hard for you to let me go. You don't want to, but here you are, stabbing daggers into my back.
I feel flesh, bone, and nerves. I feel human.
"Close your eyes." But I ignore his command. I don't want to stop seeing him. I want to feel him, long for him, and admire him. "Michael."
"Yoichi." Ironically, his name reminds me of life. "You don't have to do this."
The crunching of my bones breaking is the soundtrack to our farewell anyway. It's the last melody, lacking passion and coordination—just a deafening sound. You are the master of our orchestra, and I am your faithful follower.
"Rest, Ahavah sheli." You say it with regret, but no tears come to your eyes.
Why don't you cry? Cry for me. Make me feel important in your soul of thorns. Let me be the rose you admire under glass.
"If I live, I'll kill you." But I'm lying. I could never kill something that's already dead. I could never murder someone like him.
He doesn't answer, but the corners of his lips curl into a smile that can't hide his enormous blue eyes. Blue, blue, blue. He is blue.
Then what am I?
"Human." I hear him say very close to me, "I grant you eternal rest as a gift from God to his children."
It was the kiss of death.
The stabbing pain disappears when he kisses me. He is gentle, patient, and eternal. He doesn't kiss me like death would kiss a lost soul; he kisses me like a lover. He devours my mouth, pressing his tongue against mine, holding me tightly against his body. I can smell sulfur on him, but I also smell myrrh.
My stomach is pierced, yet I feel no pain. He helps keep me sane a little longer, letting me enjoy the short life I've been given here on earth after my divine punishment. Kissing him anchors me here, keeping me alive and dead at the same time.
Gushes of blood stain the church floor. Above my head, a light shines and eases my sorrow.
And I feel.
I feel his kiss disappear like a ghost on my palate, drifting farther away.
"Pater Noster, qui es in caelis." I hear him say as he stands in front of me.
“Yitkadash 'mecha.”
But your mistake was not letting me die.
Right?