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Robert twisted his hands together as he was led down the mansion’s richly decorated corridors, guided by a big-bootied shark anime girl whose tail swayed with unnerving purpose. His gut churned. This was bad. Really bad. Someone on his payroll must have crossed a line, said something, done something, pissed the Don off in some way, and now he was being dragged straight into the lion’s den. He hadn’t spoken to Donny G in months. They weren’t close, not even cordial, so why else would he be summoned? His mind clawed for answers, replaying scraps of gossip from the gas station, searching desperately for a clue.
The shark girl stopped at a towering set of carved doors and swung them open. Robert stepped inside and froze.
An indoor pool stretched out before him, its surface rippling light across the vaulted ceiling. And in the water, lounging, looming, was Donny G himself. Even half-submerged, the Don was massive, his bulk shifting easily through the water in nothing but black swim trunks.
“Robert” Donny said in that terrifyingly warm baritone, the kind that curdled comfort into dread. He waded to the edge, where a fat cigar waited on an ashtray. Lifting it between his thick fingers, he took a slow drag and smiled. “Good to see you could make it”
“Haha, yeah…” Robert’s laugh was thin, brittle. “Wouldn’t dream of keeping the great Don waiting”
“Damn right” Donny exhaled a fog of smoke. “I was told we needed to have a little talk”
Robert’s composure cracked instantly. He dropped to his knees at a safe distance, hands pressed together. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Don! Whatever my employee did, it wasn’t me, I swear!”
“Hm?” Donny cocked his head. “You don’t have control over your employees?”
“No, sir! I barely know what they’re doing at work, let alone outside it!”
Donny hummed, unimpressed. “Then maybe we’ll discuss them someday. But that’s not why you’re here”
“It’s not? Because I can’t think of anythi-“
“Robert”
That voice. Familiar. Wrong. Relief and dread swirled together in Robert’s chest. He turned and saw Marcus waddling toward him, inexplicably wearing a teal thong that dug unashamedly into his pallid body.
“Marcus?!”
The worm placed his hands gently on Robert’s shoulders and leaned in as close as physics would allow. He softly asked “Do you have any Fritos Chili Cheese Corn Chips?”
Robert blinked. “What? On me? Right now?”
Marcus stared. Soul-piercing. Silent.
“You mean… at the gas station?”
Marcus tilted his head slightly to the side as if it was an answer.
“We’ve got the munchies” Donny rumbled from the pool, which clarified nothing.
Robert’s voice pitched high. “I-I don’t even remember if we stock those! Why didn’t you just… go to the gas station yourselves? Or call me, instead of dragging me here?”
“Robert…” Donny’s tone was velvet steel. “We’re not decent”
Robert jabbed a finger toward Marcus. “He’s wearing more clothes than usual!”
“Mmm, yes” Donny smiled with strange tenderness. “It… augments his nudeness”
“What the hell does that even mean?”
Marcus had already drifted to a corner, caressing the leaves of an expensive plant. He stroked them like forbidden lovers until, without warning, he tipped the entire pot over with a crash. Robert flinched, heart hammering. Marcus glared down at the fallen greenery as though it had insulted his bloodline.
Before panic could spiral, Donny lifted one arm from the water, beckoning with a low hum.
“Come, Marcus. Join me”
Marcus sneered at the plant. “You stay right here” he warned it darkly, before waddling over. He dipped his spindly legs into the pool, then raised his unnaturally long arms toward Donny, like a child begging for uppies. Donny reached out with surprising gentleness, cradling Marcus by the waist and lowering him into the water.
Watching them together, Robert felt an unexpected pang of jealousy.
Marcus flailed in the pool like a bat dropped into a birdbath before latching onto Donny’s massive torso.
“You saved my life” he whispered up at the Don with wide, wet eyes.
Donny chuckled, cigar smoke still lingering on his breath. “Does that mean I finally repaid my debt to you?”
“Nah” Marcus rubbed Donny’s belly with a casual, possessive pat. He didn’t elaborate.
Robert folded his arms. “I’ve saved him too, you know. Loads of times”
Marcus wagged a long finger at him. “Don’t be ashamed of your small pee-pee. Micro-penises are very common”
“I don’t-!” Robert sputtered, looking desperately at Donny. “I don’t have a micro-penis!”
“It’s perfectly normal” Marcus reassured him.
Donny nodded gravely. “My ma had a micro-penis. Didn’t stop her from having a fulfilling love life”
Robert’s brain locked up. He wanted to ask for clarification, but his instincts warned him that it would only lead to madness. Instead, he muttered, “Sooo, what? You’re saying I’ve got… small-dick-energy?”
Marcus waved him off. “Jealousy is the shadow cast by a flame that never burned, Robert”
“True…” Donny agreed, now cradling Marcus under the rear to keep him steady in the water.
“I’m not jealous!” Robert snapped. “Jealous of what? You two? You seem… very happy together, and I’m happy for you!”
“Good” Donny said. “Because there’s nothing to be jealous of. Yes, our bond runs deeper than love, but we’re not exclusive”
“I don’t care!” Robert shouted. “And for the record? We don’t even carry Fritos. So if you want your snacks, you’ll have to go somewhere else!”
He spun on his heel. Behind him, there was a splash, then a sputter.
“Robert” Marcus croaked, spitting water from his mouth. His tone was fragile, exposed.
Robert froze, sighed, then turned back. “…Yeah, Marcus?”
“Utah is slipping away”
Robert blinked. “What? Do you mean politically, or…?”
Marcus only stared at him with those vast, black eyes. Behind him, Donny floated serenely, entirely untroubled, letting the moment pass without comment.
Robert gave up. He threw a hand toward the door. “I sell pretty much every other brand. You’re welcome anytime”
“Thank you, Robert” Donny said with all the sincerity in the world.
That didn’t include you Robert though but left it unsaid.