Chapter Text
Kang Yeosang felt like his world is in shambles.
Ever since that day, he lost motivation to do almost everything. He can’t even answer his parents’ questions during dinner, asking how he’s doing at school. No, he’s not well, he felt like there’s no such thing as a ‘bright future’ for him. He felt lost. Even waking up feels like a chore. It felt as if he lost himself entirely. And now here he is, inside the classroom, with an exam paper with ‘57%’ written on it.
“You could’ve done better. This is the midterms! I thought that you’re the best student in my class, Yeosang,” the teacher said, looking into Yeosang’s eyes, whose light was already lost.
She could only look at Yeosang’s empty expression with a sigh. She knew that the boy couldn’t move on, but she couldn’t bear seeing her best student getting lost in his own emotions.
“I understand that you’re mourning, but you need to remember. The final exam is around the corner and you can’t just give up on everything.”
Yeosang did not react. Not even a single thought came to his mind, he was lost. As he knew it, his classmates stood up and greeted the teacher, indicating that class is ending. He remained still, looking at the paper that was already soaked from his tears.
. -. -.-. --- ..- -. - . .-.
It’s raining cats and dogs that day, and Yeosang was unhappy. Not in the mood for going back home, he walked slowly under the rain, his hands empty. His uniform was already drenched and his hair was messy, wet bangs sticking to his forehead. He tripped and fell on the ground, trying to get up before someone lent him a hand.
“Are you okay?” a boy asked Yeosang, his voice sounding soft amidst the loud pouring rain.
Yeosang took his hand and stood up, just to be stunned when he saw the boy. His eyes, gazing softly against Yeosang’s despite his concerned expression. Yeosang was bedazzled, but he shook it off. He stared at the boy and zoned out…
“My eyes are up here, Hyung.”
Yeosang was pulled back to reality, still looking at the boy with admiration, as if it was love at first sight, but it was all shock and heartstruck. It can’t be him, but he’s right here…
“…Jongho?”
“Yes, Hyung?”
Yeosang’s lips curved into a smile when he realised it’s Jongho. He looked at his drenched clothes and fixed his hair.
“I look like a mess, don’t mind me,” Yeosang uttered, his eyes still fixed on Jongho for no reason at all.
“You’re drenched. Don’t you have an umbrella with you?” Jongho asked as he pulled the older under his umbrella.
“Now I do,” Yeosang said as he let himself slide under Jongho’s umbrella. He shivered from the cold rain, but the warmth from the younger’s body felt good against him.
“Let me walk you back home,” Jongho said before they started walking together along the road. Yeosang was so relieved to see Jongho that he forgot that he was walking empty-handed just now, his backpack was left at school.
Why was he smiling again?
... .-- .- -.
‘Swans only have one partner for the rest of their lives. If their partner dies, they’ll fly as high as they can, and let themselves fall to their death.’
Yeosang watched the video that piqued his interest. Even swans are actually so loyal and heartbroken that they’ll kill themselves just because they’re that sad about their partner’s death.
Swans can’t be that sad, can’t they?
“Hey, what are you watching?” Yeosang’s classmate asked.
“Swans being suicidal because they lost their lover.”
“That’s sad.”
“Don’t you think they’re a little bit dramatic about that?”
“As if humans didn’t do the same.”
Is this what they meant by ‘love can kill’?
That’s the point, Yeosang answered himself.
... .--. --- -
There’s not much to do during lunch break, so Yeosang decided to walk around the school compound. But he focused more on the back alleys and hidden spots, and found a cliff that is well hidden amongst the forest areas of the school.
The height is perfect - not too high but not too low either and the bottom consists of bushes too thick that hides everything well. Yeosang took a better look at the surroundings before going back to class.
.- - - . -- .--. -
Yeosang woke up early and dressed well, just like his former self. He combed his hair, refined his bangs, tied his tie properly and wore his school uniform, crisp from using starch and smooth from ironing. He also made sure his blazer has no creases and stains. After spraying cologne and picking up his belongings, he is ready for the day as he walked out of his room and went downstairs, his footsteps thumping loud against the staircase.
After greeting his mom, he had breakfast. It was toast with scrambled eggs and baked beans that day. He ate everything on the plate and bid his family goodbye before walking out of the house for school. He never felt better, following the old routines back when there’s still light in his eyes and a smile on his face. It seemed like he was changing for the better. Or not.
Morning roll-call never felt long, and Yeosang walked the opposite route his friends took, going to break a rule - something he seldom did in his three years of high school. He felt bad for not going to class, but he had to. He couldn’t help but to feel nervous as he walked closer to the spot he found recently.
It felt windy, the gentle breeze slowly caressing his cheeks. He walked towards the edge while unbuttoning his blazer and throwing it aside. This is his decision. He must put an end to this. Just as he walked again-
“…What are you doing?”
Yeosang turned around, just to see Jongho opposing him. He was wearing the usual school uniform, but looking at the younger made his head throb. Suddenly he felt like there’s weight asserted towards his head, but looking at Jongho’s concerned face gave him a sense of relief. Yeosang gained composure while Jongho was worried about him.
“Why, Yeosang-hyung? Just why?” Jongho asked as he walked towards Yeosang, fast.
“Don’t do this… don’t do this to me…” Yeosang could hear the desperation in Jongho’s tone, it felt unreal. Is Jongho really begging him to not do it? His brain said yes but his heart- his sensitive heart said no after hearing the younger’s plea.
“You need to understand, I’m doing this for my own good. I don’t want to feel sorrow anymore. At this point, an emotionless doll like me should be better off dead.”
It came out as a lashing, unpurposely directed towards Jongho, whose face tensed furiously.
“You really wanted to die so bad? For what, Hyung? Do you really thought that suicide is the right solution for this?” Jongho lashed out, he was clearly upset.
“No, Jongho, it’s just-“
“Why? Why did you give up on life? Why did you decide to choose death over everything?? Why, Yeosang? Just because I died?!?”
That struck Yeosang hard like lightning. The sudden realization hit him like crazy. Why is he so dumb for this? Why didn’t he realise? Why didn’t he realise that the Jongho he met in the rain, the one in front of him right now- is already dead?
And now the Jongho opposing him has blood all over his body, a terrible sight to be seen.