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Ted had been on his own with his six-week old sons for the better part of the afternoon, after assuring a reluctant Rebecca that he could cope while she attended a board meeting at Nelson Road.
“Easy there, little fella,” he said, bouncing Theo slightly in his arms. “Daddy’s got you and he’s gonna make that little stinky butt smell a heck of a lot sweeter.” He unfastened the messy nappy and replaced it with a fresh one, making exaggerated faces to distract his son, who wriggled and cooed at the silliness. Joel, sensing the commotion, let out a shrill shriek of protest. Ted lifted him carefully against his chest, rubbing his back. “Shh… shh… I know, I know, missin’ your momma. Daddy’s here. Daddy’s all you need for now.”
After a while, with both boys settled enough to pause their whimpering, Ted sank back against the sofa cushions. He settled both boys on his chest and sighed contentedly at the warmth of their tiny bodies against him. He picked up the TV remote and flicked through the channels until his eyes lit up. “No way!” He exclaimed. “Boys, let me introduce you to some of my favourite women!”
**
By the time Rebecca’s car pulled into the drive, it was almost dusk. She sighed, ran a hand over her hair to ensure it still looked neat, and gathered her things, thanking her driver as he closed the door behind her.
Inside, the warmth of home immediately enveloped her, and so did the sound. Not cries, not wails, not chaos, but the soft, steady voice of her husband.
She kicked off her heels and padded into the sitting room, the sight there stopping her in her tracks.
Ted was relaxed on the sofa, only one sock on and his shirt slightly creased from the day, but his expression pure serenity. On his broad chest were their sons, both curled like kittens against him. Their tiny faces were turned sideways, little fists opening and closing, contributing to the wrinkles of their father’s shirt.
The tv was on, and a theme song from another era drifted out but it wasn’t familiar to her.
“…and that’s the thing, fellas,” Ted was saying in a low, storytelling drawl. “Designin’ Women just wasn’t the same once Delta Burke and Jean Smart left. Don’t get me wrong, Annie Potts and Dixie Carter could carry just about any scene, but when you lose half your sugar and half your spice, well, it just don’t taste the same no more.”
Rebecca pressed her hand to her mouth to keep from laughing. He was deadly serious, his eyes fixed on the telly as if Theo and Joel were old enough to follow his words.
“And your momma,” Ted continued, resting his chin carefully between the boys’ soft heads, “well she’s a whole mix of all four of those gals. She’s got Julia’s fire, Suzanne’s sass, Mary Jo’s common sense, and Charlene’s heart. Don’t let her tell you otherwise.”
Rebecca’s chest tightened, and she swallowed. She had never expected motherhood to feel quite like this. So exposing, so raw, and yet so deeply… safe. Because Ted was there. Always Ted.
He shifted a little, eliciting tiny grumbles from his boys, and carried on as though lecturing them for a university degree.
“Now, Jean Smart, she’s gone and done somethin’ else these days. She’s in a show called Hacks. Daddy thinks she’s about the best thing since sliced bread in that one. But y’all can’t watch it yet, no sir. Ain’t PG. Matter fact, it’s so far from PG, it’s sittin’ in a whole other zip code.”
At that, Rebecca raised her brow and finally made her presence known.
“This is how I find out that I’m competing with Jean Smart for your affections?”
Ted grinned at the sight of his wife in the doorway. “What can I say? I got a soft spot for sassy blondes!”
“And who are these other women you have designs on?” She asked, sitting down gently beside him and leaning in to breathe in the scent of all three of her boys, her heart instantly calming as she relaxed against her husband.
Ted’s eyebrows shot up like she’d told him she’d never heard of Christmas. “Now hang on a minute, you’re tellin’ me you don’t know Designin’ Women? Darlin’, that show was a cornerstone of good television back home. Ran all through the late eighties and into the nineties. Four ladies runnin’ an interior design firm down in Atlanta. But it wasn’t just about pickin’ out wallpaper and curtains, no ma’am. Those women had opinions. Big ones. They’d talk about politics, family, what it meant to be a woman in the South.”
Rebecca’s lips curved. “So… a sitcom with upholstery and morals?”
Ted chuckled. “Well, sure, there was upholstery. But what made it shine were those characters. Julia Sugarbaker—lord, she was fire and steel. Could dress a man down so hard he’d wish he’d never opened his mouth. Suzanne, her sister, a beauty queen with a sharp tongue. Mary Jo, the single mom with all the common sense. And Charlene, bless her heart, dreamy as a cloud but kind all the way through.”
“Sounds interesting. I might have to give it a watch,” her last few words were swallowed up in a yawn, “when I’m not quite so tired.”
Ted’s expression shifted slightly, a crease forming between his brows. He lowered his voice. “You’re later home than I thought you’d be. Everything go alright? They didn’t give you trouble at the meetin’, did they?”
Rebecca sighed, sinking into the cushions. “Nothing I haven’t handled before. Some of them are still stuck in the fifties, muttering about whether motherhood might make me too distracted to run a football club. But I gave as good as I got.”
Ted’s jaw tightened, and then a glimmer of mischief sparked. “I bet you gave ’em your best Julia Sugarbaker speech, huh?”
Rebecca frowned faintly. “My what?”
Very carefully, Ted eased the twins from his chest into Rebecca’s waiting arms, arranging them so they remained snug against her. Then he stood, rolling his shoulders as though preparing for battle.
“Oh, honey, you are in for a treat,” he declared, clearing his throat and placing himself centre stage in the living room. “Now this here is Julia Sugarbaker in her finest moment…The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia.”
And with that, he launched into a full re-enactment.
His voice rose, dramatic, southern cadence sharpened with righteous fury. He gestured grandly, pacing across the carpet, his moustache twitching with intensity. He channelled every ounce of Dixie Carter, fire in his eyes, indignation in his tone.
Rebecca watched, transfixed and then delighted, as her husband delivered a speech she hadn’t known existed but instantly adored. He wasn’t mocking; he was reverent, word-perfect and passionate.
“And THAT, Marjorie,” he threw up his hands in emphatic triumph, “just so you will know…and your children will someday know…is the night the lights went out in Georgaaah!”
Rebecca laughed so hard she nearly jostled the boys awake.
“Ted Lasso,” she gasped, “you are utterly ridiculous. And utterly marvellous.”
He plopped back down beside her, grinning. “Gotta give credit where it’s due, Rebecca. Julia Sugarbaker knew how to handle a chauvinist. Just like you do.”
“Thank you, my love,” Rebecca placed a kiss on his cheek and looked at him. “There is another reason I was late.”
Ted tilted his head, instantly attentive. “Oh yeah?”
She bit her lip, eyes glinting with mischief. “I had an appointment. My six-week postpartum check-up. If you know what I mean.”
His mouth dropped open slightly, then curled into the slowest, most devilish grin she had ever seen on him. “Well now. That is news worth celebratin’. I got about a hundred and one ideas how we might do that.”
Just as he leaned closer, whispering a suggestion in her ear that made her cheeks burn despite herself, the twins began to stir. Little mouths opened, tiny rooting motions unmistakable.
Ted groaned theatrically, slumping back. “I’ll be. I just got c-o-c-k blocked by my own offspring.”
Rebecca rolled her eyes, shifting her blouse and bra with practiced efficiency. “They’re six weeks old, Ted. You don’t need to spell out rude words.”
Theo latched on one side, Joel on the other, and the room filled with the small, greedy sounds of newborn feeding. Rebecca leaned back, letting them nurse, enjoying the feel of their tiny mouths rather than the strong pump she’d had to use twice while she was out.
Ted watched, utterly devoted, his eyes roaming from her face to the boys and back again. After a long moment, he leaned close.
“Rebecca, darlin’, you are the most amazin’ woman I’ve ever known. And just so you know, later on tonight, when them boys are sound asleep, I fully intend on keepin’ that promise. ’Cause those right there,” He gestured, unabashed, towards her breasts currently serving their intended purpose, “they’re all mine once the fellas are done with supper.”
Rebecca laughed, shaking her head. “God help me, Theodore Lasso, but I do adore you.”
“Right back at’cha, Mrs Lasso.”
**
The bathroom was a warm, cosy haven, scented faintly with lavender baby soap and dotted with rubber ducks that floated lazily in the lukewarm water. Ted and Rebecca had decided to share bathtime with the boys.
“All right, my boys,” Ted said, sitting down in the water and reaching out his arms to take both boys from Rebecca. “Ready for the splashiest adventure of your young lives?”
Rebecca stepped into the bath and settled back, gesturing for Ted to return one of her children to her. Ted held forth Joel with one hand. “Careful, Ted. You’ve got a slippy tiny human, not a football. Don’t drop him.”
“Hey now,” Ted said with a grin. “I’ve been trained in wrangling tiny humans Henry was born.”
Theo squeaked, kicking happily, and Joel let out a small protest at the sudden warmth of the bathwater. Ted held Theo gently, tilting him slightly so the water lapped over his tiny chest. “There we go, easy does it, little buddy. Daddy’s got you.”
Rebecca smiled, carefully lowering Joel further into the water, laughing as the boys unintentionally started a splash battle by kicking their little legs.
“Look at those little toes! We’ve got swimmers in the making. One day, you’re gonna be breaking records, my boys.” Ted said with a proud smile.
Joel flailed his arms excitedly, knocking a rubber duck sideways. “Careful!” Rebecca laughed. “That duck has an attitude problem!”
For several minutes, the four of them sat together in the bath, splashing gently, giggling, and enjoying the mild chaos. Ted ran a soft washcloth under Theo’s chin, washing his cheeks and forehead while humming a little tune. Rebecca poured warm water over Joel’s back, shoulders and neck.
“Careful with that splash, Joel,” Ted said, dodging a tiny spray. “We’re not looking for a bathroom flood tonight.”
Joel squealed louder, and Ted grinned. “Ah, so that’s your dastardly plan, huh?”
Rebecca leaned back and laughed quietly. “Well, I think we’ve risked it long enough without one of them peeing or pooping on us”
Ted raised a mock-salute. “Aye, aye Cap’n, I reckon you’re right. Operation Bath Adventure is officially complete. Time to get these little gents dry and dressed before they bring a new meaning to the poop deck.”
They worked together to get out of the bath without dropping a slippery infant, Rebecca visibly sighing with relief once both twins were wrapped in their hooded towels. Ted patted Theo down carefully, murmuring little words of encouragement, while Rebecca mirrored his actions with her son’s mirror image.
Ted struggled slightly to wrestle Theo’s arms into his pajamas. “Snaps, little man. They’re the devil’s work!”
Rebecca effortlessly slipped Joel’s into his matching outfit and smoothed the neckline. “Perfect. Handsome as ever.”
Ted sat on the bed facing Rebecca as they both fed a drowsy baby. They alternated night feedings, one boy getting breast fed and the other getting breast milk from a bottle, a decision the couple had made in the beginning to allow Ted to be as hands on as possible.
The room was quiet, other than the snuffling noises of two babies eating contentedly. Ted leaned down toward Theo to place a kiss in his downy hair.
Rebecca looked at Ted, smiling as she saw the stray strand of damp hair that had fallen across his forehead. She loved slightly dishevelled Ted most of all. “I never imagined it would feel like this. So… full.”
Ted agreed. “Full of love. Pure and simple.”
There was silence for a few more minutes before Ted spoke up again. “All right, boys, listen up. I’m gonna tell you a bedtime story about another sassy foursome from the South. Rose, Blanche, Dorothy, and Sophia. Picture it: Sicily, 1922…”
**
With the twins finally tucked into their next-to-me crib, their tiny chests rising and falling in soft, steady rhythm, Ted and Rebecca stepped back, taking a deep breath.
Ted tightened his arm around her. “Well, Mrs Lasso, I reckon that’s enough excitement for one night. Bath done, stories told, boys tucked in. Time for us to rest.”
“What was that you said earlier about you staking your claim on my breasts?”
Ted rubbed the back of his neck, glancing toward the cot. “You know, darlin’… I’ve been thinkin’. I’m not sure about… you know… being, uh… close, while the boys are in the room. Feels kinda weird, maybe.”
Rebecca tilted her head, raising an eyebrow. “Ted Lasso, are you seriously worried about the twins being scarred?”
“Well…” Ted hesitated, scratching his temple, “I mean, they’re right there in the same room. And I’m just thinkin’ ahead, you know?”
Rebecca smiled softly, pulling him across to the far side of the bed and sitting down beside him. “Ted… if they can’t spell c.o.c.k., then I don’t think they’re going to be scarred by seeing us having s.e.x. But considering they can barely identify shapes and colours right now, I think they’ll be fine. And let’s be honest, they just saw you naked in the bath a few minutes ago. But, if you don’t want to, that’s okay.”
Rebecca let go of his hand and climbed onto the bed, sliding beneath the covers as Ted watched in silence. “ G’night” she said, turning away from him and closing her eyes.
A few moments later she felt the mattress dip as her husband got into bed next to her. She felt his arm reach across her waist, his palm splayed across the slight paunch she’d been left with from her pregnancy. He squeezed her tightly and she pushed back against him, his erection firm against her.
She smiled as she felt his breath hot against her ear.
“Forget Georgia, I ain’t got nothin’ but Becca on my mind.”