Work Text:
To a very special someone,
I want to claw my way inside your chest Kokichi. Even if our skin's touching it's not enough. I need our souls to touch. I need us to be so close that we fuse into one thing and maybe that will finally be enough. Do you understand? It's an itch I can't scratch and sometimes the urge is unbearable so unbearable I need to be touching you and feeling you and close to you and more and more than that.
I don't want to sleep alone anymore. I don't want to wake-up without you either. I like that you know exactly when to wake me up out of a nightmare just by "sensing it". The few minutes we spend whispering in the dark before going back to sleep...I've not slept this peacefully in years and its all because of you. You never complain about it either. Doesn't it bother you? I wonder how you know. Though, I've woken up to you staring at me on multiple occasions now. I chose not to question it.
I like that you're a little unstable. That you start to deteriorate and feel sick when we're apart for a few days to point where people begin to voice their concern. It's really cute actually. It just means you crave me as much as I crave you. You hate when I say "I love you" over text or call because you only believe me when I say it in person. Oh and the fact that you start arguments instead of a simple "I miss you". I love that I make make you flawed. You make me blush when you say you want me all to yourself. That you hate my friends, you hate that I have so many and you hate the attention I get for solving that stupid case; you used to pretend otherwise but we're past that now.
I listen to you talk yourself in circles about how you're horrible for being "so possessive" and horrible for wishing you could lock me away out of sight and own me for your own selfish desires. Sometimes you cry and say you're ruining me, that you hate yourself for ruining me and how could I forget the classic "You shouldn't forgive me so easily I don't deserve it Shuichi". Of course I'll reassure you that I still love you "even if you have unhealthy habits that we need to work on" but oh Kokichi, that's just a lie. I love you just like this. I want you to want me. I want you to worry. I want to hold you and comfort you and reassure you and make everything right so that you keep depending on me to keep you sane. Seeing you be so vulnerable, so small and unlike the bold title of "Supreme Leader" is a precious gift to me; I treasure you.
Most of all, I want you to hurt me. I like when you hurt me. It took a lot of persuasion but I finally convinced you to use your box cutter on me instead of yourself when you had the urge. The idea of offering myself up to you...enmeshing love with hurt and dissolving the barriers between you and I, so that when you hurt, I hurt. Again, so that when you are hurt I must be hurt. And that I hurt you when I am hurting. This way even our pain can be in sync.
You couldn't even get through the second cut before you lost it. You were hysteric Kokichi, I mean you even cried. You wouldn't shut up about your stupid apologies until I kissed you. Then I coated your fingertips with my fresh blood and made you dab it onto your cheeks as if you were applying (make-up) blush. You looked so pretty like that, cheeks and hands a bloody red colour, glassy violet eyes, all messy and guilty, those long lashes of yours clinging together with tears; such a perfect view for me to enjoy. You didn't protest when I told you that if you were actually sincerely sorry you'd "suck on my cut until it stops bleeding". You complied of course, you're so vulnerable and easy when you feel guilty.
I could taste myself on your tongue when I kissed you again after. Metallic and warm.
I love you Kokichi Ouma.
In whatever fucked-up way someone like me could ever hope to, I really really really love you.
From Shuichi Saihara