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Cold air, the smell of sanitizer, the sterile white of the walls and the occasional staff rushing through the halls, were more than familiar to Snake by now. He had become acquainted with hospitals, with the endless doctor’s visits for his accelerated aging and consultations that led to nothing.
For the first time in a while, however, he wasn’t here for himself.
Snake walked the halls of the inpatient wing alone, glancing at each numbered sign on the doors. It was nearly midnight now, and there was barely anyone at all paying him any mind.
He stopped at the room number Otacon had given him over the phone, hesitating before reaching for the handle. Instinctually, Snake leaned to listen for any sounds of conversations— before finally opening the door after a few seconds of silence.
The room was dark, save for the glow of medical screens displaying vitals, and a little bedside lamp that barely illuminated its surroundings. The figure in the bed was turned away from the door, his body tightly curled up and face nestled deep into the blankets, akin to a frostbitten man holding on desperately for warmth. Despite Snake’s careful movements, the other had still somehow been disturbed, shifting and letting out an audible sigh.
“...Rose? I thought I told you to go home.”
With a shuffle of bedsheets and a strained groan, Raiden pushed himself off the bed, voice tinged with exhaustion and a hint of irritation. When he noticed the man at the doorway, he paused, blue eyes widening. He hadn’t expected Snake to visit him, it seemed.
Raiden wasn’t dressed in anything other than a pair of teal hospital slacks, and Snake could see the pale expanse of skin that covered him instead of the dark metal and plastic casing necessary for the battlefield. Snake froze a little too— from this distance, Raiden looked like any regular man again, and with none of the near-fatal damage obtained from Shadow Moses a month ago.
“...Snake.” Raiden was still, stiff in his half-sitting position on the bed. “You’re okay.”
He didn’t think the man would be awake at a time like this, and Snake really had only meant to see him off silently one last time—if only for his own selfish sake, to ease his guilty mind. Snake shut the door behind him, and suddenly didn’t know what to do with his hands as he met Raiden’s gaze, caught like a deer in headlights.
“How’re you doing, kid?” Snake pulled out the visitor’s chair next to the bedside table and sat himself across from Raiden, who shifted to sit at the edge of the bed. Their legs were close as they faced each other like this, and Snake rested a hand on the other man’s knee as he studied him up close. Other than the dark shadow under his eyes, Raiden looked pristine, with no signs of any lasting injuries.
“Okay, I think,” Raiden spoke slowly, each word carefully mulled over. “Dr. Madnar said I should be released by next week.”
“Did Madnar make all of…” Snake made a wide sweeping gesture at him, glancing up and down at Raiden’s more humanoid body. Close up, the synthetic quality of the artificial skin was much more apparent. The way his skin reflected light differently, the poreless smooth surface, and the noticeable seams cutting through his body like a jointed doll all gave his mechanical nature away.
Before seeing this form, Snake had still kidded himself into believing Raiden’s mutilation wasn’t so severe, or that it was mere armor plating that covered his body. But the seam that split his face into two halves shattered that self-consolation, and in that moment, Snake had to stop himself from flinching away. He forced himself to look at the tired young man before him. To look at what he had caused.
"Apparently this is the most advanced biotech available these days,” Running a hand down his arm, Raiden chuckled. “I should get another chance at a normal life, is what he said.”
“Another chance at life, huh… ” Snake repeated. He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. At the very least, he hadn’t completely lost his future like Snake had. At least, he still had a family.
The heat from Raiden’s leg seeped through the thin hospital-wear, warming Snake’s cold, aged hands resting on them. Snake suddenly itched for a smoke, almost reluctantly taking his hand from the other and reaching inside the pocket of his cargo pants.
Going through his ever consistent ritual of lighting, inhaling, exhaling— saved him from having to speak any more, at least for a little while. Raiden watched quietly, gaze following the motion of his fingertips.
“Here–” Snake plucked an extra cigarette from the pack—the last one— and offered it to Raiden. The other took it hesitantly, and Snake realized that he didn’t know if smoking even did anything for him at all now, much less damage his body. “...Sorry. I don’t know if you still smoke. Bad idea in a hospital room anyways.”
Raiden’s lashes fluttered a little as he stared at the cigarette balanced between his fingers for a few seconds, before putting it up to his lips. Snake raised an eyebrow while he lit it for the other man, who inhaled deeply into his artificial lungs, and let out a smoky sigh as if the nicotine really did fulfill a chemical dependency.
They both sat still for a long while, listening to the constant beeps of the heart rate monitor hooked up to the cyborg as they each took slow drags from their cigarettes. Snake allowed the ashes to drift to the floor while they remained in a comfortable silence, until his cigarette eventually burned to the end of its life, fizzling out on its own when the glowing embers reached the filter paper.
“Where will you go next?” Raiden broke the silence, turning to face Snake. His eyes mirrored the same intensity from back on the Nomad, when he had dug his nails into Snake’s leg, begging to follow him in the mission. “Now that the Patriots are gone… what will you do?”
“I…” Snake paused, and sighed. How long did Naomi say he had left? Even with the FOXDIE in equilibrium in his system, nothing could stop the signs of age creeping in day by day. He had never told Raiden about the details of his condition, but the man was stubborn enough to have dug up the answers himself the moment he laid eyes on Snake’s face.
“I don’t know,” He answered frankly. He was tempted to lie, to say he had another mission he couldn’t take anyone else on. Especially not Raiden. But he wasn’t the same naive young man back on Big Shell anymore— and he didn’t deserve another lie. Not after everything.
“I’m tired, Raiden. I just…”
But what was he supposed to say? That after this, he was planning to disappear into nothing, that whatever grand illusion of a hero Raiden always saw in him was not going out with a bang, but a whimper. That he didn’t want him, or anyone, to carry the burden called Solid Snake on their shoulder. He’s a dying animal now, hiding and curling up knowing the end is coming.
“I just want you to take care of yourself. Don’t worry about me, kid,” He flicks the cigarette into the trash. Raiden was still nursing on his, the ember still alive and burning. He offers a feeble smile. “This’ll probably be the last time you’ll see me. Or anyone, really.”
“What?” Raiden turned to him, eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
“I came here to say goodbye, Raiden.” Snake rested his hand on Raiden’s thigh, which now felt taut with tension. “And it’s better if no one follows where I go.”
“But— the Patriots are gone, you don’t have to leave, I— we can all stay safe now,” Raiden grabbed Snake’s wrist, voice rising, as if afraid he would leave this very instant. “Does Otacon know? And Sunny? Let me come with you—”
“Jack,” Snake interrupted, the soft utterance of his name silencing the other man in an instant. “You have a family, a future. Don’t waste it chasing after me. I don’t have anything worth it left.”
“...A family?” Raiden sneered, brows twisted at those words. “Just look at me. Even before all of… this, I knew I didn’t have a future. Rose was scared of me— still is. I can see it in her eyes.”
“I don’t have a family,” Raiden glared right at him— through him— and it took everything for Snake not to flinch away from the piercing gaze. “The only reason I didn’t give up when the Patriots did this to me… was that I wanted to follow you.”
“I don’t want to go back to them—” Raiden’s grip on his arm tightened, nails digging painfully into skin. “I don’t want her, I want you— Snake, I love—”
”Don’t,” Snake interrupted, inhaling sharply and with a tremble in his breath. He already knew how the younger man would finish that sentence— he’s old, not blind. Snake sees the way Raiden looks at him ever since day one of their meeting. The heat from his gaze had always burned him, too intense to face without shielding himself behind feigned ignorance and the missions ahead. But here, in this hospital, in this sterile, white room that he’s sharing with Raiden, there was nowhere to hide anymore.
The selfish part of him studied Raiden’s delicate features, his mesmerizing gaze through pale lashes, and his soft white locks that glowed in the dim lamplight. And his lips—half human, half artificial, were pink and slightly parted, as if inviting another’s embrace. He couldn’t turn away, even with the guilty and shameful half of himself gnawing up his insides.
“Snake,” Raiden loosened his grip on his wrist, instead sliding those hands down to cover Snake’s own. Snake’s heart fluttered at that simple motion, as if a little bird had flown inside, its feathers brushing up against his chest while it stirred up unnameable things kept deep and hidden.
“I love you.”
Raiden finished his sentence this time, watching him with pleading eyes as he spoke.
Snake couldn’t respond for a long time, even if he already knew what was coming. It was one thing to know, and another to hear it, to have to face that confession with no ambiguity, no escape. Raiden searched his face for answers in the silence, patiently waiting. But a soft tremble in his hand gave him away.
“I’m a dead man walking, with who knows how long left before I’ll be buried six feet under.” Snake sighed. ”Don’t waste your youth. Not on me.”
A flash of pain rose in Raiden’s eyes, and he bit down on his lips as he flinched away.
“You told me once to choose my own path, to do what I feel is right,” Raiden stroked a thumb over Snake’s knuckles. “This is my choice. So please, Snake… just let me stay with you. However long I can.”
“Snake,” There was conviction in his voice now, and their eyes met once again. “I love you.”
Snake’s hand slowly rose to touch Raiden’s face, cupping his jaw gingerly in his palms, and he allowed himself to gently run his thumb across Raiden’s cheekbones. As if drawn in by some irresistible force behind those words, Snake leaned in, closing the gap between them. Raiden made a little muffled noise, not having expected the sudden reciprocation— before closing his eyes and pressing closer.
Kissing Raiden was unlike any sensation in his experience— his upper lips were soft and plush as they brushed against his own, while his bottom lips were noticeably synthetic, a pad of warmed silicone that moved in tandem with its biological counterpart. It sent a pleasant shiver down his spine, regardless. Raiden only feathered his lips over Snake’s as they kissed, still hesitant as if anything more would be too much to demand, that Snake would suddenly take back his word.
Snake pressed in, insistent on chasing more of that strange yet addictive sensation, and as he ran a tongue over his lower lips, Raiden shuddered and whimpered into his mouth. It seemed that the artificial part of him could still feel, after all.
Heat rose up deep inside his gut as he tasted deeper into the younger man’s mouth, and his pulse sped up— along with the rising rhythm of Raiden’s heart rate monitor. What started out perfectly chaste and hesitant gradually built up to something hungrier, more primal, as they tangled together their tongues, the organic mixing with the artificial.
Snake pulled away for a brief second to catch his breath— and was quickly pulled back in by a firm hand wrapped around his neck and a nip on his lower lips. Before he knew it he had tumbled on top of Raiden, the two of them locked together in an embrace on the tiny hospital bed. Raiden kept an arm around Snake, and let his head fall onto the bed, hair that was even paler than the bleach-white sheets spread in a fluffy halo on the sheets. A cigarette still rested between the fingers of Raiden’s other hand that he laid casually next to his face, a line of gray emanating from the tip. Snake hovered over him, hands planted on either side of the other man as he took in the sight below him, breathless and trembling.
Raiden brought his cigarette— almost burnt out now— up to his lips for one last, deep drag, and the way those eyes fluttered shut and his cheeks hollowed out felt almost sacrilegious to see, a mechanical angel defiling itself before man.
Instead of exhaling next, Raiden pulled Snake closer, and their lips met yet again in the middle, and the cyborg let the bitter taste of nicotine intertwined with machine oil fill up the older man’s lungs instead. Strands of smoke curled away as they kissed again, disappearing into thin air little by little at their ministrations.
They broke apart when the last of the nicotine had been all swallowed up, with only the taste of each other on their lips. Snake circled his arms around Raiden’s waist, and the other man hooked his own over Snake’s shoulders. The two stayed like this for a little while, neither wanting to break the comfortable silence, lest this little bit of warmth fades away all too quickly.
“Let me stay with you,” Raiden was the one that finally spoke, his hushed tone and the soft blue of his eyes tugging right at Snake’s insides. The younger man tightened his hold around Snake, pulling him into a deep hug with his face buried into the crook of his neck. “Don’t go…”
Snake sighed, placing a hand atop of the blond’s head. Raiden’s silky hair brushed pleasantly against his palm, cool to the touch compared to the warmth of his body heat. At that, Raiden shuddered against him noticeably, and Snake could feel the tickle of his lashes fluttering against the skin on his neck. He ran his fingers through the feathery locks and gently smoothed over a few stray hairs that were sticking up, and the motion earned yet another tremble from the young man in his arms.
“...Okay.”
For all of the long-winded preaching he had given to Raiden over the years, that one word was all Snake could offer, a resigned approval to finally offer up the remainder of his existence to something other than a lifetime of war. To be selfish was a luxury he could never afford, until now— right on the precipice of being too late.
They stayed close like this for a long while, without saying another word for the rest of the night— and for the first time in his life, Snake stayed in another’s bed past sunrise, without any intention of leaving or letting go.