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Draco trailed his fingers on the top of the slab of stone, his fingertips running over the rough slab of the concrete. It was a chilly day for mid-September, and he wrapped himself in his cloak.
He flattened his hand, brushing off the fallen leaves and dust on the headstone that had accumulated since he last came. Not that it’s been that long.
He unknowingly brought himself down to his knees so he could be levelled with her grave. Draco pressed his forehead of the stone.
He felt empty inside, had for a while.
The house turned dark, it wasn’t as alive as it was before. It was like something came in with a pail and scooped up every piece of him that held a remnant of life in Draco Malfoy.
His hands shook as he grabbed the wilted flowers and replaced them with bright new ones.
The portrait of Astoria sat slanted against her grave. She stood elegantly with her dress flowing behind her, her arms behind her back as she swayed back and forth and the same smile that Draco knew her with sat on her lips. She didn’t speak much, just watched her surroundings. Draco was afraid that he would forget her voice. But he found that unlikely seeing as all he can do is dream of her when his eyes flutter shut.
Next to it was a picture of a younger Scorpius in her arms and Draco embracing the both of them in his. She was laughing in it. He could still hear that day.
This was the first year Astoria hadn’t been there to see Scorpius off for his year at Hogwarts. Worse, it meant nearly half of year of not having her by his side. After spring break, Scorpius didn’t want to be pulled out of school, said it would be better for his mind to focus on something other than his dead mom. Draco wouldn’t dared to try to convince him.
He sat down next to her grave, leaning his head on the slab of cement.
“Hi, darling. I miss you.”
There was a long moment before he spoke again.
His mind went through every memory with her that he could ever think of.
Meeting her for the first time and feeling complete, having a coffee every morning without disclosing how much they liked each other. Their first real date, and then when he asked her to marry him, actually that might’ve been the other way around, but he was the one with the ring. Their wedding and how they escaped the party and every day since.
It was involuntary.
“So,” Draco flicked a speck of dirt next to him. “Scorpius went into 5th year a few weeks ago. His face lit up when he saw Albus again, just like I did when I met you for the first time. He missed him. I figure they’ll tell me something soon, I only wish you’d be here to hear it too.” Draco shut his eyes momentarily, and his tears started to flow down from his cheeks. “I could just hear how excited you’d be.”
He had gathered up the strength to get out of the house and send him off. It was the least he could do for being such a dick for the past few months.
Whispers were heard as he and Scorpius entered the platform. Not out of gossip but for sorrow.
Both fingers curled into fists as his bottom lip trembled. Whether he likes this or not, it was his reality now. The reality without Astoria.
Draco’s lips were now chapped, reflecting his appearance. His hair was always messy, ignoring the voices he heard of Astoria in the walls of the past when she once told him that she always adored it at way. His appetite alarmingly and noticeably decreased immensely and the circles under his eyes were never darker. He didn’t have someone to remind him to eat anymore, to sleep, hydrate, or at least get ready properly for the day. He was lost and confused but more importantly, those around knew that even with company, Draco felt alone.
He gulped, “I miss you. I really miss you. You weren’t there to see him off that day, and I didn’t like that. And I know you always made sure that I knew what I was signing up for. And I did but that still doesn’t mean I thought that we could have a happy ending.” His voice cracked on the edge of his words.
“God, I miss you, my darling.”
Draco woke up that morning with no one to kiss and to say good morning on the other side of his bed.
Every night her voice could be heard in his head and maybe it was the lack of sleep but he could swear he saw the swish of her hair around the corner.
Grief.
“Astoria, it’s so hard. It’s so hard without you. Why can’t you come back to me? Come back to me, please. Please, my darling, I’m still yours — just come back to me.” Draco exhaled shakily and leaned his back onto her headstone.
He didn’t know how long he sat there for.
*
Eventually the sky turned pink with the remnant of the clear blue sky from earlier, fading out. That’s when Draco found his feet to return home with one more kiss on her name and portrait.
He walked like as if on autopilot. As if he was under Imperio casted by the ghost of his dead wife. Home wasn’t far from here, but it wasn’t a short walk either.
He didn’t have control of his body when it took him to the sitting room and when his hands fell onto their records collection. He realized what he was doing -- he didn’t stop.
The disc slipped out of its sleeve, and onto his hands. Astoria’s fondness for fancy muggle contraptions and muggle music floated over to Draco. Everything she loved, he wanted to make the effort to love too.
After he placed the needle onto the beginning of the album, he slumped down onto the couch.
*
4 years ago.
“Mama how can you become a ghost?” Scorpius asked Astoria, on the couch next to her. Draco was reading a book in the corner across, watching his family watching a movie on the television. Though he thought it as an interesting invention, Draco preferred seeing things play out in his own imagination instead, thus the book in his hands while they were watching the tv.
The question sparked out of Scorpius from the paranormal activities of the horror movie they were watching together. They loved watching scary movies together with Draco sitting in the corner. Or did the question spark out of the fact that every day could be the last day without his mom?
“You should read more history books Scorp. But come here, I shall tell you.” She leaned back and patted her lap, urging to keep her son as close to her as she possibly could before he left for Hogwarts
“Ew mum, come on, I don’t need to sit on your lap anymore. I’m eleven, Hogwarts is in a month!”
“Alright then, you shall find out from Professor Binns.” Draco snarked lovingly without looking up from his book, catching Astoria’s smirk out of the corner of his eye. He and Scorpius always had such a sassy relationship, it was amazing to see Draco able to joke like this with his son.
At his words, Scorpius jumped up into his mother’s lap, curling up into a ball like he used to when he was little.
Astoria wrapped her arms tight around him, cuddling him into her chest. Her heart tugged in her rib cage. Maybe from the emotion of her boy growing up. Maybe from the curse taking more of her body away from her.
“To be a ghost, you have to of course be dead. But most importantly, you must have some sort of unfinished business. Whether that be regret or a fear of guilt or a fear of death itself even. But you’d be in the world forever, permanently. You could never die but you could never be alive again.” Astoria’s fingers raked through Scorpius’s blond hair. She didn’t see Draco close his book and look up to her. “You wouldn’t touch things anymore, eat your favourite foods. You would be the same person you’d be when you died.”
“Would you be a ghost, mum?”
Astoria looked at Scorpius, pressing a light kiss to his forehead. “No, baby I wouldn’t. I’ve always known I wasn’t destined for a long life. And I could drop dead right now and be satisfied because you are in my arms right now and your dad is right across the room. One day death must come for us all. You can ask the Bloody Baron all about it next month if he’ll listen to you.”
*
That was the first night out of a week that Astoria stayed at St. Mungos. She had collapsed on the bathroom floor after tucking Scorpius into bed, as if she had been waiting to fall until after she was out of her son’s sight.
When she woke up, she cried, violently sobbing into Draco’s arms. Not out of pain, not out of fear for death, but because she had missed a week of time with Draco and Scorpius. A week out of the four that she still had with Scorpius before he left for school.
Scorpius stayed in bed with her for the next few weeks, bringing her breakfast, going on slow and small walks around the garden with her, reading books to her, and one night even falling asleep in bed with her. He had overheard his mother breaking down about him leaving. He didn’t want to feel guilty about it and he knew that wasn’t her intention. The best thing he thought he could do was to spend as much time as he could with her, now that he knew how much she would miss him.
That’s what Draco had learned on the way to King’s Cross a few weeks ago.
The record scratches and changes to the next song. The familiar dulcet tones of the orchestra at the beginning of the song fill the room.
In his mind, he can see the two of them dancing after putting a 10-month-old Scorpius to bed.
And before that, at their wedding, dancing to this song.
And before that, on a hill just outside of the house, on the first night they’d called it home.
And before that, at the Christmas party that they met for the first time, where Draco felt that it was finally okay to breathe a full breath of air.
They were dancing to their song.
Draco pulled himself up with the bottle of whiskey in his hand, taking a large swig to the back of his throat. He moved to the music, back and forth, recalling the many times he and his wife had danced together to his song.
Her hands weren’t around his neck, her laughs weren’t covering the song like she annoyingly used to.
His hands weren’t around her waist anymore and he wasn’t pretending to be annoyed at her laughs.
But what he didn’t know was that she was there.
She was there, clinging onto his body, wrapping him in an embrace that he didn’t know of or feel at all.
She wasn’t a ghost, and he wouldn’t be able to see her.
But Astoria had been with Draco for their last dance, he just didn’t know it.