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Yoshiki’s eyes dart across the train window, trailing a different tree or building as they fly past him. His head, resting against the back of his seat, bounces side to side with the rhythmic beat of the train moving along the tracks, the constant ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum…
Hikaru keeps his gaze directed at Yoshiki, tracing the patterns of his face. He looks at his eyes, his nose, then his mouth, then the mole by his chin…
He lands on his eyes, following their gaze to the countryside extending endlessly beyond the train window. He looks back at Yoshiki.
“So, uh… Where are we going, exactly?”
Yoshiki lifts his head off his seat, looking at Hikaru sitting across from him. “To Osaka.”
Hikaru blinks. “Huh? But it’s getting close to evening…”
“I was thinking we could stay the night,” Yoshiki says. He fiddles with his fingers as he looks between Hikaru and the ground. “I just needed a break from the boonies. And I didn’t wanna go somewhere alone.”
“A break with me, huh?”
The shift from the countryside to the big city happens slowly. Hikaru watches as houses appear sporadically in the distance, before turning into suburbs. The suburbs morph into apartment blocks, before turning into large, sweeping buildings unlike any he’d seen in person.
“Woah…”
“I forgot that ya haven’t been to a big city since you’ve been you,” Yoshiki says. He slings his backpack over his shoulder. “We’re gettin’ off here.”
Despite having spent time in Tokyo before, Yoshiki’s still enamored by the Osaka city center. This is where he could be, away from the countryside and living among people who don’t know every detail of his life.
Hikaru darts from one side of Yoshiki to the other, peering into shop windows and looking over the many, many menus by restaurants’ entrances.
“Yoshiki…” Hikaru jostles Yoshiki’s arm. “We gotta get dinner, this is all making me so hungry…”
“I wanna put our stuff down first,” Yoshiki says, sharply, swatting at Hikaru’s hands. The last thing he wants is people looking at the funny.
Yoshiki booked them a room in a hotel far enough out from the city center to be somewhat within budget, but close enough to the main districts to not be sleazy. It’s a low-key place, but it seems nice enough.
“Ya got money for this?” Hikaru whispers as they walk through the lobby.
“Sorta. It’s a long story.”
Yoshiki walks up to the receptionist’s desk, trying to look as unassuming and polite as possible. He runs his speech through his head a couple of times, clutching at his phone. If the worst comes to worst, he can just show her the reservation number.
“Uh… Um, I’m here to check in for… Uh… My reservation under ‘Yoshiki Tsujinaka’…” He puts his phone on the desk, pointing the reservation number toward her.
She looks between Yoshiki and Hikaru, then at the reservation number. Yoshiki expects judgement or skepticism, but she just smiles. A genuinely warm one, too. “Alright, give me one moment…” She types something on the computer in front of her. “Okay, your room is ready.” She places two cards in a paper sleeve on the counter and points to a number written on them. “This will be your room number. If there is an issue with the keys, just come up to the front desk.”
Yoshiki nods, reaching up and grabbing the sleeve. “Okay…”
“Enjoy your stay!”
Yoshiki fiddles with the keys as they take the elevator two floors up to find their room. Hikaru trails Yoshiki, looking side to side at the numbers on the doors.
“We’re here, Hikaru.”
Yoshiki unlocks the door with the keycard. Inside is a small but cozy room with a queen bed, a desk area, and a decently spacious bathroom.
“Ooh, we’re sharing,” Hikaru says, moving to the right side of the bed and flopping on it.
“A double was out of the budget.” Yoshiki puts his backpack down on the desk, letting out a long, deep breath. “I’m just glad she didn’t say anything.”
“Hm? Who?”
“The receptionist.”
“Why would she? Do we look too young to rent a room?”
“No, it’s…” Yoshiki’s cheeks heat up. “Sometimes people question it when two guys get a room together.”
“Huh. Well, she didn’t say nothin’.”
“It’s not just about sayin’ something.” Yoshiki reaches out and ruffles Hikaru’s hair. He runs his fingers through those short, fluffy locks. The unnatural coolness of Hikaru’s body used to be unnerving to Yoshiki, but now it’s just comforting. It’s just how Hikaru is.
“Mmm…” Hikaru purrs. “That tickles.”
The sun’s already set by the time they head back out into the city, but the streets are just as bright as they were earlier. Hikaru looks around with a wide, toothy smile on his face — he’s like a kid in an amusement park. Yoshiki keeps his eyes on Hikaru. He can feel a warmth in his chest grow; it’s a comforting feeling, almost like eating a hot meal on a rainy day.
As they sit across from each other at a restaurant Hikaru picked out, Yoshiki feels like they’re a couple on a date. There’s a nervousness that comes with that, but he quickly reminds himself the likelihood of someone judging them is relatively low. Like Hikaru said, nobody’s said anything.
“I dunno know what to get, Yoshiki…” Hikaru says, looking up and down the menu. “Everything sounds good.”
“Pick out two things we can share.”
Hikaru does the ordering for both of them. It’s to Yoshiki’s relief, as he’s already exhausted his social battery for the day.
Hikaru starts talking, explaining a new mobile game he’s been playing to Yoshiki. He taps his foot against Yoshiki’s under the table as Yoshiki nods along. Yoshiki may not be too interested in those kinds of mobile games, but he loves hearing Hikaru talk.
“Oh, and Yoshiki, I was gonna ask ya this…” Hikaru says, pulling out his phone. “I was takin’ some pictures of ants I was seeing for ya, and I saw this real scary looking red one…” Hikaru pulls up a picture of what Yoshiki immediately recognizes as a fire ant.
“That’s a fire ant. They’re invasive. Don’t try to mess with them, since their bite will make even yer skin irritated.”
“That’s crazy ya just know all this.” Hikaru swipes to another picture. “What about this one? Ain’t he kinda cute?”
“That’s just a carpenter ant.” Yoshiki smiles. The fact that Hikaru’s been stopping to take pictures of ants for him warms his heart. “He is pretty cute.”
When their food arrives, Hikaru’s eyes light up, looking between the dishes he picked out. The two of them pass the bowls back and forth, slurping noodles and scooping rice into their mouths. Hikaru eats quickly, sometimes reaching over Yoshiki to grab a bite from his bowl despite having another in front of him.
“Man, I’m already full…” Hikaru groans, lifting up the final piece of meat on his plate. “Yoshiki, do you want this?”
“The last piece of meat? Sure.” He has an endless appetite, no matter his mood.
Hikaru reaches over the table with the piece of meat, putting it up to Yoshiki’s mouth. “Say ‘ahh’…”
“Hikaru, we’re in a restaurant…”
Hikaru puts the chopsticks to Yoshiki’s lips. Yoshiki gives in.
On the way back to the hotel, they pass streets that are fully lit up and energized, and others that are dim and quiet. Yoshiki watches the ground ahead of him, keeping Hikaru in the corner of his eye.
At the front doors to the hotel, he reaches into his pocket to grab the keys. He holds them in his palm, looking over his fully mixed arm. It’s littered with deep reddish patches.
It’s quiet on the third floor. The street outside their window is relatively dim. Yoshiki sits on the desk chair, waiting for Hikaru to finish showering.
As Yoshiki puts down his phone and plugs it into the wall, Hikaru comes out with a towel wrapped around his waist. His body, Yoshiki finds himself thinking, looks exactly the same as it did before the original Hikaru went missing — small and angular, but with just enough softness and definition. But the feelings of shame and attraction he used to feel when looking at that body have long since changed. There’s still a sense of attraction, even if it’s not in the conventional way. But Yoshiki doesn’t feel the guilt he used to.
Yoshiki showers next. He’s still unsure how to feel about his arm. The red patches extend up to his shoulder, making patterns reminding him of Hikaru’s insides. He washes it with soap. The texture of his skin doesn’t feel any different.
He spends extra time shampooing his bangs — they get greasy with sweat in the summer, which irritates his forehead. Another reason he doesn’t like to pull back his bangs.
Hikaru’s laying on the right side of the bed, dressed in the hotel-issued pajamas. They’re both classy and silly on him.
“Yoshiki, what are we doing tomorrow?” Hikaru asks, his eyes following Yoshiki as he dresses.
“Sightseeing.” He hangs up his towel. “We’ll walk around stores, too.”
“Oh, hm… Ya gonna get some of those stylish clothes you’ve been talkin’ about?”
Yoshiki frowns. He could never be “stylish” in a village like theirs. “Hell nah. If I dressed like that at home, it’d be the talk of the town for months.”
“Aww…”
Yoshiki lies down and turns off the bedside lamp. The room’s only lit by the faint street lights in the distance. Hikaru scoots closer to him, watching Yoshiki’s chest move up and down with each breath. His soul is so warm.
“Yer real close,” Yoshiki whispers. He wants Hikaru to get closer. That guilty voice in his head is quieter than ever.
“Yer just real warm,” Hikaru says. “I wanna be close.”
Yoshiki smiles. “Ya can get close.”
Hikaru presses his body against Yoshiki’s, nuzzling his face into the crook of Yoshiki’s neck.
“So warm…”
Yoshiki reaches over and runs his fingers through Hikaru’s hair.
“Mmm…” Hikaru leans into Yoshiki’s touch. “Wanna put yer hand inside me again?”
Yoshiki sighs. “Ya can’t say it like that.”
“Why not?”
“Ya make it sound like it’s sex.”
“Hm?” Hikaru moves his head so he can see Yoshiki’s face. “Ain’t it sexy, though?”
“I guess. But it ain’t sex.”
“But do ya wanna?”
Yoshiki can’t resist. His body’s already mixed. And it feels so good.
Yoshiki feels quite lewd as he straddles Hikaru and slides his fingers into Hikaru’s chest. But when he’s with Hikaru, his desires don’t feel wrong. Hikaru would never judge him like that. Hikaru doesn’t have those rigid ideas of relationships built into him. Romance, friendship… With Hikaru, it’s something in between and so much more.
“Move yer hand up a little— Ah, that’s the spot…” Hikaru lets out little moans. He recognizes it as raunchy, too.
“Ya can touch me back. If ya want,” Yoshiki breathes. He’s felt Hikaru enough times to be comfortable with it.
Hikaru touches him back, letting his insides wrap around Yoshiki’s and feel the warmth of his soul. Hikaru is careful not to touch it, instead just gently caressing the rest of his insides.
The dim light in the room fades as buildings in the distance power down for the night.
“That felt nice,” Hikaru whispers. He’s wrapped tightly in Yoshiki’s arms. “I like doing that. I like being close to ya.” He pauses. “Do humans have that feeling?”
“Yeah,” Yoshiki says. “But it’s a bit different.”
“What do you feel, Yoshiki?”
“…I feel warm inside when we do that. I love bein’ near ya, but I also love the feeling it gives my body.”
“Do ya only feel that feeling with me?”
“Yeah. It feels good because it’s with you.”
“Did ya feel like that with Hikaru?”
He pauses. “It was different. I never had that exact feeling with Hikaru ‘cause I could never express myself to him. But I had a feeling.”
“Because ya liked him?”
Yoshiki’s heart lurches. “I don’t wanna talk about that. But it was different.”
Hikaru nods. “Yoshiki?”
“Yeah?”
“Do ya love me?”
“I do.”
“Ah.” He smiles. “I don’t get human love, but I feel a lot for ya. Yer… Yer like my home.”
“Yer my home, too, Hikaru.”
The next morning is slow and lazy. Yoshiki wakes up with Hikaru holding onto him, closing his eyes despite not being asleep. Hikaru scrolls Instagram while Yoshiki washes his face and gets dressed.
Before checking out, they walk across the street to a little coffee shop and bakery. They eat and drink, sitting in a booth next to a window overlooking the street below. The city’s starting to wake up.
After checking out and grabbing their backpacks, Yoshiki pulls up directions to the places he wants to visit. Hikaru hangs off him while they stand on the train, like he’s a needy partner.
“Is this our stop?” Hikaru asks for the third time. “I swear we’ve gone past so many…”
“Two more,” Yoshiki says, shutting off his phone and putting it in his pocket. He moves his hand down on the pole.
Hikaru puts his hand on top of Yoshiki’s.
Yoshiki frowns, as if to say: not now, Hikaru, not in public! But Hikaru keeps his hand on Yoshiki’s.
A young man, maybe in his mid-twenties, glances at them. Yoshiki’s stomach twists. He moves his hand up again, shaking Hikaru off him.
But the man just smiles. As the train slows, he walks to the doors.
He waves at them. His hands are mixed.
Yoshiki’s eyes widen. But before he can process what he’s seen, the man’s gone.
Yoshiki keeps quiet until he and Hikaru get off.
“The guy who waved at us was mixed,” Yoshiki says, keeping his voice hushed.
“I felt it.” Hikaru looks from side to side, glancing at everyone around them. “There’s a lotta mixed people around here. Lotta monsters blending in like me, too.”
“Really?” Yoshiki would never have known.
“Mmhm. Maybe people are okay if yer not really the same as them in cities like this.”
“Maybe…”
Their first stop for the day is, naturally, Osaka Castle. Hikaru’s enamoured by its sheer size, and the vibrant blues and teals on its walls and roofs.
“Let’s go to the top, Yoshiki!” He points to the top, like an excited child.
“If ya want… It’s just crowded, since it’s summer…”
There are tourists — foreign and from other parts of Japan — everywhere. Young couples with their kids, tour groups speaking languages Yoshiki can’t understand, kids in uniforms being led by their teacher… It’s almost overwhelming.
But at the top, it’s quieter. Yoshiki stares at the bright green trees and the crystal blue waters below. It’s so beautiful. And looking out, he can see the city.
“Everyone’s so small down there!” Hikaru laughs, pointing at the crowds of people in the plaza below.
“Yer bein’ loud…”
The stairs down are crowded, and the walkway to the plaza is even more so. Not wanting to lose Hikaru, Yoshiki grabs his hand. He tells himself it’s just so they don’t get separated, but in his heart, it’s something he’s wished to do.
Once they reach the plaza, Yoshiki doesn’t let go.
The city streets are busier than the area around the castle, giving Yoshiki an excuse to keep holding Hikaru’s hand. They cut through a fashion district, and Yoshiki gawks at the beautiful alternative outfits, platform boots, and accessories galore. He stares at a pair of cut-up black jeans, imagining himself in them. He’d be criticized back home; they’d be too tight for people’s tastes, too ripped to be appropriate, and too feminine.
Maybe one day he can wear what he wants.
They walk onto a street lined with small restaurants to find somewhere to get okonomiyaki — something Yoshiki wants to eat before they leave Osaka.
Yoshiki picks out an older, quiet restaurant. They’re seated by an elderly woman with a warm smile. But to Yoshiki’s dismay, she starts talking to them.
“Are you boys from Mie?” she asks, handing them the little menu cards. She reaches over and turns on their table’s griddle.
“Yes, la— ma’am.” Hikaru catches himself before being rude. “We’re from up in the mountains, in a small village.”
Yoshiki nods along.
“Oh, the mountains… I haven’t been there in years. What brings you to Osaka?”
“Just sight—” Yoshiki starts to say, but Hikaru cuts him off.
“Visiting, sightseeing, eating good food… All that stuff! And just spending time together,” Hikaru beams. “Y’know how the mountains can be. People don’t like a lotta stuff.”
Yoshiki’s cheeks turn pink. She didn’t happen to see them holding hands before they went inside, did she..?
“Of course, of course,” she says. “There’s a lot more judgement in smaller communities. It’s why my daughter wanted to leave the suburbs when she was younger… Now she’s in Tokyo, living with her partner.”
Yoshiki freezes. Partner?
He’s relieved once Hikaru and the elderly woman stop chatting. He looks at the menu, picking out which okonomiyaki he wants.
“Man, she was nice,” Hikaru says. “I guess feelin’ stuck in yer home town is normal.”
“I guess.” The word partner rings through Yoshiki’s ears.
Once they get their okonomiyaki, Hikaru hovers his face scarily close to the griddle, watching the pancake sizzle. It smells delicious. By the time it’s done cooking, Yoshiki’s mouth is watering.
They dig in. The taste is just perfect. The perfectly blended overload of sweet and savory, the melt-in-your mouth feeling, and that hot batter on his tongue as he chews… Yoshiki’s in heaven.
Hikaru closes his eyes as he eats, like he’s trying to focus all of his sensory ability on taste. As he chews, he lets out a long mmmm…
Yoshiki foots the bill. He adds up how much he’s spent this weekend… His mom will definitely be mad at him. But it doesn’t matter right now.
The afternoon sets in, and they make their way to the train station. It’s a long ride home, and Yoshiki would rather not get home in the middle of the night.
They walk along the river, watching dragonflies zip by. Hikaru stops every few minutes to point to a bug and ask Yoshiki about it.
Before walking down into the station, Yoshiki takes a minute to look at the water. He grabs Hikaru’s hand again.
“Hm?” Hikaru says. “What’s up?”
“Ya know when ya asked if I liked Hikaru?”
Hikaru pauses. “Yeah…”
“I just, y’know, kinda wanna say it.”
Hikaru waits. He can feel the tension inside Yoshiki.
“I did like him,” Yoshiki says. “I had feelings for him. Romantic ones.”
Hikaru nods. “I know.”
Yoshiki snorts. Then he laughs. “Ya don’t have to be so blunt. But it feels nice to say that out loud.”
“Then… I’m glad ya did.”
“I guess…” Yoshiki sighs. “I guess I’m gay, too.”
“Ya only got feelings for guys?”
“Mmhm.” He squeezes Hikaru’s hand. “Ready to go back?”
“I’m ready.”