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It was 8 in the morning, and Subaru was cleaning toilets with a dumb grin on his face. He knew he looked ridiculous, his lips refusing to uncurl as he performed one of his usual least favourite tasks. But in the back of his mind he couldn’t stop thinking about his last conversation with Emilia.
They had been talking about the moon, and the stars, and how beautiful it was. Or, he had been sort of dumping that onto her while she nodded politely. But when he took a moment to breathe, she had said how she wished she could see the stars through his eyes. And he had suggested that they look up at the stars the next night together. And unlike the hundreds of times a day he was shot down, she seemed to love the idea.
So he was happy, maybe even ecstatic to be honest. And there was nothing wrong with that. But he knew that if he kept this goofy smile on too long, Ram would grill him alive. But for some reason, even as she worked on the sink beside him, the ribbing never came. And that was when Subaru noticed something.
Ram had her own goofy smile, just visible in the reflection of the bathroom mirror.
“Nee-sama is in a good mood today.” he couldn’t help but tease. Ram’s face went neutral in an instant as she turned to him with only a slight blush as proof there had ever been a trace of joy on her face.
“What makes you say that? Have you been hunching over the cleaning supplies too long and finally corrupted the last few brain cells you had left?” the veteran maid said with practised derision.
“Oh come on, I saw that goofy grin on your face. It’s not a crime to enjoy yourself, Ram.”
“Barasu must have mistaken his own slack-jawed reflection for my own. An insult I will not soon forgive.”
“See, why do you have to be so antagonistic? Can’t we both just have a good day for once? And acknowledge that it’s a good thing”
It had been a long time since they both had a good day. The tumultuous events at the sanctuary, the chaos of inviting Garfiel into the mansion, and the ennui they both shared over Rem had cast a long shadow over both of their days. But time still marched forward, and someone had to clean the toilets.
And someone had to supervise them, I guess.
“This is exactly why I cannot just ‘have a good day’ Barasu, because then you start lumping yourself in with me. I am having a wonderful, long awaited day. What is so special about your mood?”
“Well, I’ll have you know-”
“Lady Emilia decided to humour you for an hour out of her schedule. Did I guess right?”
“...”
“It’s a good thing Emilia is not so easily taken by fools. If she ever were to so much as wink at you you’d probably melt on the spot.”
“Whoa, h-hey now!” A stuttering and blushing Subaru responded as Ram smirked above him.
“If Ram had been smiling, it was for a reason much more special than a lady’s pity.” Her smile returned, now with victorious intent. But her gaze did soften for a moment. “But if such a mundane moment means so much to Barasu, then Ram wishes him the best for tonight.”
“Nee-sama, that almost sounded friendly at the end there.”
“Well, then when you are done cleaning the toilets you should clean out your ears.” She said, before taking one of her several unofficial daily breaks.
***
Late that night, late enough for the stars to shine and Emilia to have finished her studies, Subaru strolled through the mansion toward his anticipated date. Everything had lined up perfectly. The clouds that had hung all day had finally dispersed at dusk. The temperature outside was perfect, with the occasional cold breeze that just maybe might mean Emilia would ask for a jacket. And Beatrice had promised not to accompany him after only marginal concessions. Just an extra hour or two of together time every day for the next week. Everything that could go wrong had gone right, and if it hadn’t been bedtime for most in the mansion Subaru was tempted to even start whistling.
He really should have, because then he might not have heard a soft sob. And then another. And then he could no longer pretend it was the creaking walls or a forlorn ghost. With an annoyed sigh, he turned to find the source of his distraction. For better, but usually worse, Subaru was not the type of man who could ignore a damsel in despair.
But he was flabbergasted when he realized the source of the noise was coming from Ram’s room. After a moment of extreme hesitation, he softly knocked on the door. The crying stopped, but there was no response.
“Hey… Ram? You ok in there?”
There was a long pause. Long enough Subaru almost considered leaving for his date. Until the door swung open and Ram handed him a wine glass. She looked dreadful. Her eyes were red and puffy. Her footing was unsteady, swaying as she stood. And if the rest didn’t make it clear, her breath reeked of booze.
“Barasu, just the man I wanted to see.” She said, her voice dripping with despair. “Come sit down with me for a few minutes before you see Emilia.” When Subaru hesitated out of confusion, she croaked out a “... please.”
Subaru cautiously walked into her room which he never dreamed he would be invited into before tonight. He awkwardly sat on the chair by her desk, while she almost fell down attempting to sit on the bed.
“It’s Ram’s birthday.” she said with a small hiccup.
“What? Oh my gosh, Ram I am so sorry!” Subaru said in a panic. It had only been a few months since he moved in, he had never thought to ask when Ram’s birthday was.
“Can it Barasu. Ram never told you her birthday, it’s fine.” she said casually as she grabbed a nearly empty wine bottle from her nightstand. “Give me your glass, your present is drinking some of this bottle.”
“Ah, Ram, I mean the drinking age in Japan is 20…” Subaru muttered as his glass filled up.
“Japan isn’t even real.” Ram mumbled dismissively.
“Well, I’m not opening that can of worms.” Subaru said diplomatically. “But what about when I go see Emilia? I don’t want her thinking I’m pre-gaming our beautiful night together.”
Ram had no idea what pre-gaming was and didn’t care as she filled his glass with the rest of the bottle.
“Ah yes, Barasu’s wonderful date with his dream girl. I’m glad you remembered to flaunt that in front of me.” She spat out with drunken viscousness.
“Oh come one, I’m literally postponing that date right now to make sure you’re doing ok. Weren't you supposed to be having a wonderful, incredible, special day today?”
“Ram doesn’t know how to do that anymore.” She said as she fell back onto her bed, her head missing the pillows and banging against the headboard. She sank slowly down until her head connected with the pillow, her gaze ignoring Subaru completely as she stared at the ceiling.
“Everything that used to make Ram happy just leaves her feeling empty. Work just feels so hollow when it never used to. And it doesn’t get any better when I end my shift and go back to my room. I used to be content with my life, and it’s like a switch flipped and it all stopped.”
She never turned to look at Subaru. She wouldn’t let the mask slip so far.
“Today was supposed to be different. I always loved my birthday. I remember the last few years, Roswaal would gift me a wonderful bottle of wine. And I’d drink it in my room, laughing the night away. Ram’s memories are so vivid, so beloved. Ram knows she treasures these memories.”
“So what went wrong?”
“It was horrible. Ram was all alone, in a dark room on her birthday. And this wine, this wine did not help.” She said, thrusting the bottle angrily in the air. “It felt so big, and even though my past self could finish it with a smile I just felt sick. If you hadn’t come to finish the last glass Ram would have woken up with the worst hangover in her life. Ram still might to be honest. Maybe if you hadn’t come, she might not have ever woken up.” she said with a groan.
“Nee-sama, come on. There’s nothing wrong with not drinking to excess. And I might not drink, but that bottle looks huge. I’m surprised you could ever finish it.”
“I used to. And I used to have so much fun.” A tear fell down her face, and Subaru made sure not to mention it. “And I don’t know how to anymore.”
For a moment, nobody moved. Subaru knew he had to do something. He thought about putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, but he’d probably lose the hand. He thought about putting a comforting hand on her knee, but he’d definitely lose the hand. He could say something to make her feel better, but empty platitudes meant nothing to Ram.
Ram was simmering as Subaru pondered. The only reason she didn’t chastise him is because she honestly had no idea what she wanted him to do.
“Maybe the reason I’m so sad is because my closest friend is some vagabond we put in a butler’s outfit on a whim who won’t leave.” she sighed.
And then it all clicked for the worthless vagabond.
“Ram, we’re not that close.” Finally, Ram jolted up. Her tearstained eyes no longer hidden as she looked in shock at her coworker. For once she couldn’t hide how much those words hurt her. Scared her even.
“Whoa, whoa, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” Subaru said with a fluster, trying to diffuse the situation for Ram’s sake. “You know I love you Nee-sama. It’s just, I’m not your closest friend.”
With a beat, they both looked to the room across the hall. The room where her sister Rem slept.
“I think your memory is playing tricks on you. Your birthday was probably never a day you spent alone, but instead a day you spent with your little sister. You’d stay up all night talking together, celebrating your shared birthday. And that explains why the bottle of wine was so huge, it was meant to be shared!” he said as the pieces started coming together in his mind.
“Of course”, Ram said, her hand grinding into her forehead as a bit of her usual self returned to her. “We were, we are twins. Of course we shared birthdays together.”
“It’s tough, do you know that Barasu?” Ram said after a moment.
“Do I know what?”
“Silly question, you don’t know anything.” She said with a half hearted snort. “Ram knows she used to be so confident in herself. And she still wants to be. But, every once in a while I remember that I’m just a shadow of what I used to be. Or maybe it’s that Ram lost her shadow.”
“I think everyone goes through that a little bit.” Subaru said softly. “I can’t imagine where the confidence my past self had came from.”
“But you’re still annoyingly confident.”
“Well yeah, but I’ve earned it by now.” He said with a smirk. She could only roll her eyes. And a comfortable silence filled the room.
“I could tell you about Rem for a bit.” he said after a while, finally taking a sip of his wine. (It was not what he expected at all as a boy who had never drank before, but he managed to stifle his reaction in only a few coughs.)
“Lady Emilia must be waiting for you by now.” Ram said, wiping her tears and blowing her nose in an attempt to return to her usual self. She even tried to stand up briefly before giving up as her sense of balance failed her.
“She’ll understand when I tell her it’s your birthday. And the stars aren’t going anywhere.” He said with a smile.
Ram wanted to quip back, but she had no strength left and fell back, acquiescing to the boy’s kindness.
“This doesn’t count as your birthday gift Barasu. I’m still expecting one tomorrow.”
“How about I cover your early morning shift next Wednesday?”
“That doesn’t count because you always do that.”
“Is that not even more of a gift?” He said in frustration.
That night he talked for hours. About the blue haired maid across the hall who had meant so much to the both of them. And Ram wasn’t sure if it was because of the little sister she once had, or the little brother who wouldn’t shut up but she fell asleep with a smile.