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When Tucker and Wash have been dating for six weeks, Wash learns that Tucker slept with his brother.
He chokes on his coffee.
“Oh yeah, dude, that was awesome,” Tucker offers Donut a high five, which his brother takes.
His sisters look mildly interested. Niner looks downright delighted, although the near death experience might be the reason for that.
“You what?” Wash finally manages to find his voice, after several seconds of coughing and hacking.
“It was back at the canyon,” Tucker says, shrugging, as if it’s no big deal. “One time thing.”
Donut nods cheerfully, and Wash steals a glance at Doc, who’s still holding Donut’s other hand, reading the paper. An actual, physical paper, because Doc is apparently on an anti-technology kick. How Mitch managed to find a physical paper is beyond Wash. But that’s besides the point.
The point is that Donut’s nodding. “It was a great time for everyone involved. Very satisfying.”
Luckily, Wash has set down his coffee cup, so there’s nothing for him to choke on this time, but he’s aware that the tips of his ears are starting to turn a bright red. “Please stop talking,” he whispers, but either they don’t hear him or they don’t care, because they keep going.
“One time thing?” Jackie, the traitor asks, dumping a small mountain of sugar into her coffee.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Donut says. “Tucker’s a fine fellow, and we had a great time! But he really just wasn’t my type, and I wasn’t ready to settle down!”
“Your type?” Wash whispers.
Martha lets out her evilest laugh. “You like Tucker. Means he’s not Frank’s type.” She bursts out laughing again.
Wash is surrounded by traitors. He sends a glance at Mitch, who seems to be ignoring the whole scene and is busy trying to feed Niner fresh strawberries… while straddling her in the wheelchair again. And Niner’s making very inappropriate noises. Okay, now Wash has two mental images he needs to purge from his brain.
Wash buries his face in his hands.
“So you two never had round two in the desert?” Grif asks, because Grif hates Wash and wants to make Wash pour bleach into his ears.
“Nah dude, have you ever tried to have sex in sand? It gets places. And like, not in the fun way.”
Wash lets out a quiet groan.
“When did you manage to have sex in the canyon?” Simmons asks. “There was no privacy there!”
“And cameras!” Tucker says with a grin. “Man, I hoped Vic enjoyed the view.”
“It was very nice,” Donut says, grabbing a banana from the bowl in the middle of the table. “He taught me this great trick with his tongue.”
Wash doesn’t have the presence of mind to slam his eyes shut before Donut demonstrates on the banana, or before he recognizes it as one of Tucker’s favorite moves in the bedroom.
Wash thinks his brain has shattered.
“You know Tucker,” Martha speaks up again, her grin unusually wide. “You’ve slept with two thirds of the family who likes guys.”
Tucker lets out a low whistle and turns to Jackie. “Hey Jacks! Want to make it three for three?”
“I think we can work something out,” Jackie says smoothly, even though her grin betrays her, and Wash falls out of his chair.