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“You’ve got barbecue sauce on you.” Jared says moments before he’s licking at the tip of Jensen’s nose.
Jensen squawks and swats at Jared. It’s just some stupid thing that Jared does. The younger man doesn’t understand what it does to Jensen’s insides to be touched like that - like he’s another werewolf to be played with and teased.
He feels the stabs of jealousy each time that Jared does something like this. Jensen’s pack, but he isn’t a wolf. His human body doesn’t know that the playful lick is all about companionship and not at all about affection, at least not the sort of affection that Jensen’s body would like it to be.
Despite what seems like the entire pack’s attempts, Jensen has always been closer to Jared than anybody else. He thinks, he thinks he could turn for Jared. In truth, he desperately hopes he could because he knows that he’ll never work up the courage to do it for himself.
He’s too scared. He’s too human to make that leap and trust he’ll come out okay on the other side.
He’s too fucking ashamed to admit that he’d be devastated if he turned, and Jared didn’t want him. It’s a distinct possibility. Jared’s got a thing for the petite werewolf ladies, and petite Jensen is not.
He also doesn’t have flowing brunette locks or smiling brown eyes.
Jealousy doesn’t become him, so he shoves down his want of Jared like he does all his other, stupid wants and wishes. It resides next to his stupid childhood dreams of finding his family and settles just above his pining for pups of his own.
Jensen can and will be happy with what he can get because he’s too much of a coward to ever go after anything fully.
“You’re thinking too much.” Jared says, his voice sobering.
Jensen forces a smile to his face and a denial to his lips, but the intensity of Jared’s face doesn’t lessen. It’s his smell. Jared always can tell how he’s feeling by the way that he smells, and Jensen doesn’t have the olfactory ability to scent himself and know what to change.
“Just, another holiday, you know? Another year older and here I sit. Same as last year and the year before.” Jensen responds with a shrug.
Jared frowns at that. “Where else would you want to be?”
Jensen laughs and shakes his head. That’s the pack for you. They try, but they never quite grasp the concept of restlessness as applied to life in general. Whatever else fails them, they’ve always got their pack and den to fall back on.
“Somewhere? Anywhere? I don’t know. You’ve got a whole life planned out for you. Finish college, get a mate, settle down and raise pups… Me? I’m going to be the old guy that babysits the little ones that are scared of fireworks and the guy that dresses up as Santa on Christmas Eve to fool the little ones because I won’t have anything else going on that day.”
It’s bitter, and Jensen knows it. Jared’s face is ten kinds of upset, and his giant paw comes to settle unsurely over Jensen’s hand.
“It doesn’t have to be that way. I, we love you. You’re pack, and you know that we’d turn you in a heartbeat. I’d turn you. I mean, even if you didn’t want to, to be mated to m… one of the other members here, I’d still do it. You’re my best friend, Jensen.”
It’s sweet, and Jared’s earnestness is palpable. It makes Jensen feel guilty for thinking bad thoughts about the pack, because they are his family even if they don’t always understand him, and Jared is the best even if he’s going to up and leave Jensen’s sorry human ass some day.
He doesn’t tell that to Jared though. What he says is, “You’re my best friend too, Jay.”
Jared beams at that, but being Jared he asks, “Even above Jeff?”
Jensen laughs and pulls his hand out from under Jared’s to give the nineteen, “ALMOST TWENTY, JENSEN!” year old wolf a shove.
“Yes, even above Jeff you goof. Christ I thought you were done with that sibling rivalry crap.”
“Never too old for it.,” Jared replies from where he’s sprawled down on the dirt. He doesn’t move to get up, perfectly happy so sit on the ground and get dirty just like any wolf would be.
“So you’re saying we’ll be having this conversation when I’m sixty? Awesome.” Jensen deadpans.
A hundred different emotions flick across Jared’s face before they settle into an almost wistful expression.
“I’m hoping that we’ll have something better to discuss when you get to be that old.” Jared replies softly.
Jensen smiles back at him. It’s funny, but at that moment, he’s almost positive that Jared’s wish is going to come true.