Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

After the entrance exam I jumped out of school faster than anyone else and got hit by a car.

It's even embarrassing to say I got hit by a car. It was me who rammed into a car going slow as a turtle. As doing a ceremony like an idiot and running through field only to get hit by a car on my own in front of the school entrance and fly onto the floor in Hollywood action, the first thing that came up in my mind was Ah frick this is embarrassing.

And when the journalists who waited for the perfect time to take the ending picture of CSAT fucking aim and shoot the camera countless times at me I wished I'd rather die in the spot.

If this shows up in the article I'll sue you all.

Why are you all just standing there taking photos from a person who just collided with a car right now you journalists.

The madam who drove the car was about to burst into tears so I quickly sprung to my feet. Then I saw examinees gathered in front of the school gate, every single one of them watching me. Almost died from face explosion. Don't clap you mfs. Why are y'all going with the flow and clap like that.

I will not forget the reporter guy who sent me in a ambulance even though I continuously refused and said I'm fine.

I had to go to the hospital while sitting awkwardly with the ambulance agent. He was putting antiseptic on my palm as first aid.

Then I ended up going to the hospital emergency room but I have no memories of it, think I fell asleep in middle of that. Frick my face hurts a damn lot.

I was probably embarrassed enough to not notice before but don't tell me I scratched my face on literal asphalt floor. So that's why everyone who saw me had a pained expression. Man it hurts like hell.

To check if I got a fatal wound by touching my face and it was wrapped tightly in bandages.

...Bandages? Not a simple band-aid?

Could it be that my look was so hideous they really thought it was the aftereffects of a car accident and had me have plastic surgery?

As I space out someone that's seemingly a doctor spoke to me.

"Chief Spandam! Are you awake?" Dudewhat? I tried to say something like that but the moment I opened my mouth a sharp pain like straight up pouring peppermint oil on a dime-sized canker sore shot through me.

"...!!!"

"Are, are you alright, sir?"

DOES THIS SEEM ALRIGHT TO YOU?!!!

I seriously feel like I'm going to die. Frick think I just saw a river and a flower garden. Is the person waving a hand over there my maternal grandfather? Oh you're not. Sorry.

Must have had a painkiller injection because I feel a little better now. Worked wonders.

Ah but wait. What did you call me?

"Chief Spandam, are you alright?"

"Wait, what did you say?"

"Chief Spandam, I asked if you're okay. Are you feeling dizzy?"

Uh-huh. Very dizzy. Because of you.

Frick what did you just call me?

Spandam? Huh? Spandam?

It cannot be the Spandam I know, is it?

"MIRROR!!!"

"Pa, pardon?"

"GIVE ME THE MIRROR!!!!"

A guy with the sunglasses that stood near the wall hesitantly went out and then came back with a mirror. As I see what's inside the mirror I threw it on the floor.

CLASH

The mood inside the room dropped down incredibly. But my mood dropped way down to the core.

Shit, the mirror showed the after-beaten-up version of Spandam.

Purple seaweed-hairstyled bastard

Pathetic damn loser who beats up women and sub-par nepo-baby villain Spandam

Shit no way I'm Spandam

Guess I'll die

Chapter Text

How am I Spandam. Shit

I wondered if this was a dream but because of this fucking facial pain I don't even need to pinch my cheek to check it out. Darn it. I've had lucid dreams several times, so I know that in dreams even if a car running over you results in having all your limbs dissected, it absolutely never fucking hurts this bad.

That means this is fucking real

You're saying I'm Spandam fucking hell

Curses just flow out. Shit, the situation is so absurd that I'm speechless.

It's Spandam. The pathetic loser character I hated the most while simping for Robin noo-nim. Hopeless shit. There's so many manly badass villains in One Piece but instead it's Spandam that's one of the few hopeless pathetic guys. Wapol would rather be better than this guy, at least that jerk is going to be successful later on and get married to have a beautiful women as his wife. On the other hand Spandam becomes half-crippled and his life is threatened. Sure he had it coming so there's no compassion for him but shit thinking that's my future there's no hope but to k* myself.

I've thought about what I can expect for Spandam's future but it was no use.

Okay shit I'd better die by suicide.

It happens to be that I'm on a moving train so I should jump off and throw myself out of this thing to kill myself. Yeah, a moving train...

A moving sea train?

After beaten up and on the sea train? Come to think of it, I wasn't in the half-crippled state yet. Only the face is crippled. Perhaps that means it's during Tom incident. Spandam was upset at Tom who made sea train being pardoned, he decided to do a shitty ass choice of attacking people with a weapon that Cutty Flam made and arrest Tom after that.

Shit why is it the aftermath.

There's no other options except him being an awful shit. And there's no going back. Cutty Flam isn't dead but crashed into a sea train and ended up half-dead and Tom dies 'cause of it.

Spandam you bitch.

But wait shit I'm Spandam now.

Albeit I quit everything from now on and be a farmer and live a good life, I feel like someday Franky will show up and detach my neck from its body. Saying this is the revenge of my teacher. It's terrifing. No, not just Franky, there must be tons of people who hold a grudge against Spandam. Dammit. Spandam who's weaker than a regular marine would definitely be an instakill.

Anyway nows probably the time when he took the sea train after his face was beaten up by Franky. Then Tom must be in this train. So how did Tom die? Think he's confirmed dead by him apperently not showing up later on the show.

Yeah let's try my best saving Tom. Least he's still alive.

"Where's Tom?"

"Pardon?"

"Shipwright Tom, he's in the train."

The painkiller did not relieve the pain of opening my mouth. I winced from the throbbing pain of moving my facial muscles. Dammit get it when I say it you fool. Make me say twice and I'll kill you.

"He's loaded in the back compartment of this train... May I ask why?"

"Take me to him."

I said while getting out of bed.

"Chief Spandam! You're supposed to stay in bed! This kind of severe injury requires some resting...!"

"Shut up and just lead the way!"

Shit right now this face is already irreversible. And my life is more important. I need to go see Tom immediately. Tom is my only availible lifeline! To express I'm in a hurry I plucked the IV. And very soon I regretted doing that. Frick it hurts. Pulling it out was unnecessary. Should have just brought the whole IV with me.

Anyway the clumsy looking guy began leading the way with a sour face. When reaching the place that resembles a storage Tom was inside sitting, tied up.

A spear stuck in him. Blood dribbling down the floor.

Shit now I see why he died. No one staunched him.

"Who the hell screwed things up like this!"

Everyone's keeping their mouths shut and walking on eggshells around me. I said to the doctor who trotted after me.

"Gather every doctor on this train to treat him this instant. Make sure you keep him alive at all costs."

"But chief, I was ordered to treat your injuries..."

"This is more important than that so get to it! If that thing dies everything’s wasted."

Who cares about such things as Spandam's face. And it's my face now. Darn

The IV fluid I plucked it out earlier included painkiller in it and its effects seem to be wearing off 'cause my face stung more and more by the minute. Oh crap don't make me keep saying stuff. It freaking hurts like hell.

When I glanced at Tom he was glaring at me. Dammit don't give me that look. I'm not Spandam. Nah, currently I am.

Anyway guess there were several doctors in here, they arrived and started treating Tom. I recieved painkiller and a sleeping pill from one of the doctors and returned to the place where was I lying on. As I swallow down a pill with a gulp and lie down again I desperatelty prayed this was all a dream and wake up in reality for goodness' sake.

Shit newpaper showing a headline that says 'Examinee Had a Car Accident... It's Unfortunate' could be something to make fun of me of all time I don't care, so please don't let me be Spandam.

But reality was the pettiest dirty little shit that made me get up every 5 minutes in anguish of my face reminded me that reality is shitty. Shit I got that I'm Spandam so cut it out.

Shit. 

Chapter Text

Practically harassed the doctor into handing over a bottle of the strongest painkiller they could prescribe and only after swallowing them all was I finally able to sleep in peace. Maybe I slept too peacefully, because when I opened my eyes again the doctor looking clammy as hell had fainted on the spot.

The guy thought I was dead. Whatadamnquack

"We've arrived at Enies Lobby, sir."

That was Fool 1(Decided to call them that since I don't know their name). Enies Lobby really was a bizarre place. A land where sun never falls. Visually floating, perched on a edge of the cliff that looks like a massive abyss, Enies Lobby was a sight with deserved admiration but I was stuck in a frigging situation where I'm still Spandam even after waking up from sleep so I wasn't in the mood to admire any of that crap.

"What's the schedule?"

"Pardon?"

The imbecile acting as if they didn't properly understand my words spiked my irritation once again. Ugh my face feels like it’s on fire while talking you prick

"Prisoner Tom."

"Oh, he's scheduled for the formal trial at one o'clock this afternoon."

"Cancel that."

"Pardon?"

Fucking imbecile. Say pardon one more time and I swear I'll punch you.

"There's something I need to investigate, cancel the trial. Shit. If you can't cancel it then delay it, do whatever you can."

This guy's probably one of those cp whatever that's part of an undercover agent working for the government but didn't give off the right presence as he acted too much like a fool to feel threatening. Well, how could a boss, a loser like Spandam ever have competent subordinates anyway.

The pain in my face was getting worse—probably because I'd delayed treatment—and even with painkillers it was becoming unbearable. At that point I decided to prioritize getting treated over everything else. Shit, having to live with Spandam's wreched face awfully sucks.

After ordering Fool 1 and 234 not to lay a single finger on Tom and to keep him completely unharmed, I headed to the hospital. The surgeon reputed to be the best there looked distraught over the state of my face.

Shit, what do you think that I, the patient would feel if you freak out in their face.

They began rattling off details about which facial bones were broken and cracked and how they were misaligned—stuff I didn’t even want to know about so I told them I don't care about what happened to the face and to just take away the pain.

"Chief Spandam, I'll do my best but with the bones displaced, I cannot entirely eliminate the persistent pain."

Shit so you're saying that I'll suffer forever.

Fortunately, at least once he reset the facial bones, the pain eased a lot. Still stung though

"I've temporarily stabilized it but you'll still have to keep wearing a custom correction device. Manufacturing takes almost..."

"Can't I not wear it?"

"…Then the bones get misaligned and the pain will return like earlier."

"...So how long will it take to make a custom device?"

I hated the thought of wearing that stupid leather correction device Spandam wore, but I hated pain more than hate itself so I didn’t have much of a choice

Informing me it would be ready in a week, he then picked up a mirror to show me my post-surgery face as he began to explain. No, he was going to explain.

CRACK

The doctor's face went blank with utter confusion. I had thrown the mirror.

Oh. Sorry. There was a reflection of that wretched shit's face staring back at me in the mirror. It was a reflex, couldn’t help it

You don't need to show me the mirror enough for me to bite my tongue and die, so don’t.

Shit

Spandam's shitty face that now had surgical scars on top of everything else looked filthy as shit as well fit for a loser he is. 

Even his face looks pathetic. Shit. No hope but a miserable dead end.

Almost felt bad for the doctor watching my hysterical outburst that came out of nowhere but honestly, I felt worse for myself. Surely I'm the most piteous person in the entire One Piece universe.

Chapter Text

The surgery was over so I was just going to leave, but the doctor said once the anesthesia wore off it would hurt like hell and told me to come back if it did. Shit so the reason it didn’t hurt yet was the anesthesia. No wonder my face felt numb.

Thanks for letting me know it’s going to hurt again later. Shit.

I would love to stick at the hospital but thinking about Spandam’s grim future I couldn’t. Have to do something about Tom fast.

Following Fool #5’s lead I arrived at the room where Tom was sitting, tied up but otherwise looking okay.

There was an empty chair in front of Tom. Once I sat on there Tom shot daggers at me.

Hm.

What do I do now?

It’s inevitably undeniable that what I did was in the wrong so I couldn’t lie. That darn Spandam is like a secret agent and handled things this sloppily. Shit

Maybe I should just beg for forgiveness first.

"Everyone out of the room."

"Pardon?"

Frick, is Pardon? the only thing that Fool No. 1 knows how to say? Frustrating shit

I’m gonna kneel and apologize but if you’re all here things will get complicated, so get out Augh

"But interrogations must be carried out with at least one observer…"

"This isn’t a formal interrogation, I’m doing it at my discretion and I don't plan on leaving it on record so get out."

But they just stood there looking at each other. Shit are you shy little kids that hesitate and such

"Get out right now!"

Only then did the fools scurry out. I locked the door and searched the place to see if there were any wiretappers. Luckily in this era the wiretappers are transponder snails so they’re fucking easy to find. Shit if anyone couldn’t find this they're blind

I picked off the transponder snail and tossed it into a sort of tiny safe in the room. Good, now it should be safe. I sat down in relief and that's when Tom ahjussi, still staring at me, spoke firmly.

"No matter how you torture me you’ll never get any information about Pluton."

Frick I don’t even want to know about Pluton, frick if I tried my life would be obviously ruined to an end so why would I

This damn plutonphilia Spandam

"I don’t need information about Pluton." 

I blurted it out without thinking. 

Then Tom’s face changed into a strange expression. A what nonsense is this? This idiot? expression. Shit I know. It sounds fucking stupid as hell. Someone who’s been doing all this fucking crap to get the blueprint of Pluton suddenly saying Actually I don’t need that shit! of course you’ll be dumbfounded

But shit I’m not a plutonphilia

But there’s no way to say it, I can’t fucking say something like I’m not the pathetic-loser-scum plutonphilia Spandam but a good-hearted senior student who just finished CSAT and I don’t want to get beaten up until I became half-crippled by your student so I’m here to save you.

Even if he believes it, how the hell do I save him frick if things keep going this way it’s straight to Impel Down. But if I let him go he’ll have to live as a wanted man forever and can’t even dream of working as a shipwright. Clearing his name would have to fuck myself up and become a criminal.

"What do you mean you don’t need it."

"I said I don’t need it because I know it already."

I know for a fact which that macGuffin sort of shit Pluton fucking shows up grandly then the only blueprint gets burned and the only poneglyph reader Robin noo-nim says I’m not making that kinda shit lol and all possibilities vanish! Shit I don’t need that kind of thing.

"You’re saying you know it? Surely not the blueprint’s location…!"

No not that. Well sure I know about that too. Iceburg’s keeping it for now probably.

And give it to Franky later on.

I took a deep breath. What should I

do about this.

Explaining won’t make him believe me anyway so I decided to just make up something believable

Using the creativity I use on essay answers I tried my best to come up with a plausible lie.

"You won’t even know the blueprint’s location now anyway. Your student probably hid it somewhere. Was it Iceburg?" 

His glare grew even sharper frick almost feel like he’ll break his restraints and break my neck with a snap. Come to think of it, Tom ahjussi can throw ships like spear masts because he’s a human with super strength… No a Fish-Man. Shit. Suddenly regretting my choice to be alone in this room. I don’t really trust that fools to tie him up properly.

But I spoke while trying not to chicken out.

"I think it’d be better if weapons like Pluton were gone altogether."

"…What are you talking about?"

I don’t know shit. My real feelings slipped out of fear.

"Wouldn’t it be better to burn it from the start? That way you erase the possibility of being made."

Why go through hell and burn it after when you could just burn it at the start.

"The blueprints for Pluton were passed down to prepare in case someone read the poneglyph and built it."

"You’re hopeless. If the other side builds Pluton, you’re going to build one to fight it? You’ll both be annihilated."

"As long as there’s Devil of Ohara, Nico Robin, the blueprint must be preserved…!"

"That’s a pointless worry. Ohara’s researchers would never do such a thing."

Yeah, that’s right. Robin-noo-nim who’s a cool-dere that looks cool outside but inside's soft like a girl would never. Robin noo-nim my love. In the One Piece world Robin exists for real. How gracious.

Shit but then what, Spandam’s fucking sworn enemies with Robin.

Precisely it’s the enemy's son.

Shit. Robin noo-nim would murder me on sight without reason.

Come to think of it Spandam is older so it’s not Robin noo-nim anymore. Darn it.

Should I just kill myself.

"Is the only reason you didn’t destroy the blueprint of Pluton the purpose of preparation for someone else creating it?

"What do you mean?"

"I’m asking, if in this world the only way left to build Pluton is your blueprint then what would you do."

"Then I’ll burn it, as a matter of course. It shouldn’t exist in the world.”

"That’s a relief."

"So you’re saying Pluton shouldn’t exist? Why? Doesn't the World Government want that?"

"Giving the World Government an Ancient Weapon won't end in peace. There’ll just be war."

"Isn’t that what you wanted?"

Frick what do you take me for!!

For Spandam of course.

Shit. I can’t refute it. Why am I Spandam.

Fucking go die Spandam. But I’m Spandam now. Dang it. I had nothing to say but to laugh hollowly.

"Of course not. I’m a pacifist."

"What are you really after."

Frick he’s so firm about denying it. Awkward. I’m a pacifist praying for my well-being and safety. I’m a good person who’s never kicked a pigeon in my entire life but you aren’t placing a damn trust in me.

Well shit yeah with Spandam’s face who’d believe it. Anyone could tell at first sight this bastard’s a hopeless trash. And I’m a real trash who actually framed him so I have no excuse from getting firm answers.

"Anyway it’d be a problem for me, if you died."

Because your student Franky will cripple me. Just my face crippled already makes me not want to live, can’t even imagine full-body crippled.

"I’m glad you don’t plan to make Pluton." 

I slicked back the purple seaweed blocking my damn sight. Shit, I’ll shave it all. Every time I see it reminds me I’m Spandam and pisses me off.

Dammit but even now there’s no point. Likeability’s already at –999. Shit. Should I just give up.

“I don’t expect you to understand. To you, I’m the biggest piece of trash in the world anyways. Well, it’s true though.”

Tom had a slightly confused look listening to my response. Actually, the one in front of you is the most piteous shit in the world. Shit. How did I become Spandam as soon as CSAT ended.

“I just want you to live like you’re dead for about ten years.”

That ten years would be enough time for me to settle my affairs and disappear. Shit even if I can’t get a bunny-like wife with this face, I want to live a bit peacefully before I die.

My face was starting to hurt as the doctor warned. Fuck it’s still bearable now but I could imagine hell

coming soon.

“Then let’s continue talking later.”

I then stood up and yanked open the door. Fuk I’m in a hurry. Even cold sweats are breaking out. It feels uneasy like that rumbling right before diarrhea. Think hell’s coming soon. Fucking painkiller.

Why did that damn doctor say come back for a painkiller. What if I die from pain on the way.

I waved my hand at one of the fools wandering outside. Come here. Can’t you see I’m sweating cold? Hurry up and take me to the hospital.

Fool 5 led the way. They’re better at reading the signs than Fool 1. I like that. Still don’t know their name.

At the hospital the doctor suggested hospitalization.

"You just had major surgery, I think it would be better if you remained hospitalized, Chief Spandam."

Don’t Spandam Spandam me it just makes a guy feel pathetic. Shit you think I don't want to be hospitalized?

"I can’t stay hospitalized for now so at least prescribe me a painkiller. The strongest one you’ve got." 

The doctor hesitated but when I glared at him, he reluctantly handed over a bottle.

"Too much of this can damage your nervous system. Don’t take more than one pill every two hours."

This shady-looking stuff is all they’re giving me. It looks dangerous as hell. Was I crippling myself by swallowing this. Still suspicious, I popped one and it was fantastic how all the pain completely vanished. 

Oh dear painkiller! The effect was so good enough to gladly risk nerve damage.

Alright, with a clear head I should stop talking nonsense. No idea how I’ll manage the fallout though.

Since I was feeling better, I went back to the room where Tom is—the one Fool 1234 had abandoned. Fuck, did they sneak off to go slacking again the moment I was gone? What fools.

Saying I was going to interrogate him alone again, I pulled off No. 5 and grabbed the doorknob but then I heard voices inside.

[…So I’ll report that you died and that will let you escape.]

Shit that’s the voice of Fool 1???

I pressed my ear to the door trying to eavesdrop what was going on, but leaning forced the door to swung open. And of course I tumbled right inside.

Shit, having secret conversations without closing the door tight. Hopeless imbecile

Fool 1 and Tom both stared at me. Fool 1 froze like a deer in headlights. Shit, if you look that guilty I can’t even pretend I didn’t notice, you imbecile.

And why did you free Tom.

Fuck, one nudge from him and my head would roll right off. 

Should just pretend I saw nothing and walk out.

But it was too late. I told

Fool 1,

"Did I show up too early?"

Fool 1 had an utterly panicked look. Oh you poor fool. Why did you do it? A fool for sure, but it seems they were apparently a kind fool. Guess you couldn’t bear to let Tom die.

But Fool, secrets should be whispered behind a closed door. Even a three-year-old knows that. How the hell did a fool like you end up as an agent? This whole organization is rotten.

“I won’t hold you responsible for prisoner’s death so just get rid of the body before it starts stinking.”

At my word, both Fool 1 and Tom wore a confused look. Shit I’m covering for you, dumbasses. I casually stepped back outside and added,

"Hey, go cancel the trial. Say the prisoner’s dead."

"Dead, sir?"

"Looks like the treatment was a disaster. I don’t want the blame so say the autopsy will be handled on our side. I'll get someone else to deal with the body now hurry and go quick."

#5 said yes, sir and bolted away. I added from the doorway.

“Dispose of the corpse without leaving a trace. If it’s discovered, it’s all on you.”

Meaning, if anyone finds out Tom’s alive that’s your fault. Honestly doubt that imbecile even grasped what I meant.

Then I fucking left the place—looking cool as ice. And no it was not because I was afraid of Tom.

The only place I knew my way to was the hospital so I just went back there, told them I couldn’t take it anymore and that I wanted to be admitted. Being a high-ranking official has its perks—the room was a luxury suite. Look at the fancy atmosphere.

However I’m Spandam.

The fucking Spandam who cancels out every advantage.

Whatever fuck it I’m gonna sleep.

Dammit.

Chapter Text

My name is Custard Caramel. Agent of Cipher Pol 5, the World Government’s counterintelligence division and I serve as the right-hand man to Chief Spandam.

Or at least, that’s what it looks like. 

In truth, I'm not actually a CP5, I'm a spy sent by the Revolutionary Army. My mission is to keep close watch on Spandam who's one of the key figures in the World Government, and funnel intelligence from CP back to the Army. Honestly, Spandam is such a piece of trash as a person that he hardly seemed worth watching. He was more of an incompetent unqualified garbage.

To avoid suspicion about leaking intel, I intentionally acted sloppy on daily operations. Being looked down on by someone that's shit like Spandam was significantly infuriating, but for the sake of the organization I could endure such humiliation.

Spandam was somehow obsessed with Pluton—the Ancient Weapon. Despite his own lack of ability, his access to classified information was no joke and bit by bit he managed to gather fragments of legitimate intel about Pluton. At last, he even found out the location of the real blueprint for Pluton. I was genuinely shocked when I learnt where they were.

Shipwright Tom.

The legendary genius shipwright who built Oro Jackson, the ship of the Pirate King Gol D. Roger. Tom had recently been granted a pardon thanks to the revolutionary sea train he invented—Puffing Tom. Puffing Tom was overexcessively groundbreaking. Wary of the overexcessive genius, World Government ordered Tom’s execution by CP9, the elites licensed to kill. Of course they had to take his life without leaving a trace so the plan was set in motion following a trial.

As a Revolutionary I couldn't help but feel furious at how the Government operated. The Revolutionary Army had plans to extract Tom, but didn’t expect an unexpected situation where Spandam was involved.

*

True to form, Spandam demonstrated his sheer incompetence by not even reading the intel distributed to all CP agents. He framed Tom in the most pathetic way possible and had him arrested. During the incident, he got hit in the face so hard that he passed out. The one who landed the blow, Tom’s apprentice ended up getting hit by the sea train in the process.

I felt sick watching it all unfold, but as someone pretending to be CP5 there was nothing I could do. Watching a scum like Spandam was all I could do.

“Chief Spandam, are you alright?”

He was scowling up to his limit, his expression darker than I’d ever seen before. Something about him was slightly off.

"Wait, what did you say?"

"Chief Spandam, I asked if you're okay. Are you feeling dizzy?"

He’d taken a heavy blow to the head that he might have had a concussion. But his face was twisted with something far more disturbing to be seen simply as just dizziness or pain.

He hysterically screamed for a mirror and when I handed him one, he threw it aside. I had never seen that face so distorted. This simply wasn’t about injury. He usually is a person who throws tantrums over papercuts, so selfish that he’s hard to be considered human. But this was a violent seething rage I had never seen from him before. I had a bad feeling.

Catching his breath soon he then suddenly looked for shipwright Tom. Normally he’d abandon all missions and make a fuss to summon the doctors, but this reaction was unexpected. When a doctor tried to stop him, Spandam roared.

"Shut up and just lead the way!!"

He ended up ripping the IV out of his hand, not even caring about the droplets of blood dripping down. This was unlike the man who once threw a damn tantrum over a minor burn that required the best doctor of Enies Lobby to calm him down. Was he going to torture Tom who hurt him, himself? He was a petty person who believed anyone who wronged him even a little bit should suffer dozen times hundred fold. It wouldn’t be out of character for him to kill Tom with his own hands.

Tom’s condition was worse than I’d imagined. Normally when transporting a criminal, the prisoner must remain alive until trial so basic medical attention is required, but the prisoner’s transporters in charge had deliberately ignored Tom dying. It was because of the orders from above to let him die.

Left alone, Tom would certainly perish. The method Spandam used to frame him turned out to be the most effective way to eliminate him. Tom lost all the fame he’d earned for building the sea train, branded now as a criminal. If the criminal died en route, the incident would be a problem that can be easily hushed up. It almost felt like the World Government used Spandam on purpose.

"Who the hell screwed things up like this!"

Spandam shouted. He was trembling with rage.

"Gather every doctor on this train to treat him this instant. Make sure you keep him alive at all costs."

"But chief, I was ordered to treat your injuries-"

"This is more important than that so get to it! If that thing dies everything’s wasted."

Face twisted with pain and fury, Spandam barked out each word wearing the look of a demon. He was putting his own treatment on hold to give an order—to make sure Tom survived. What changed him like this? Was it the obsession with Pluton?

Despite his body being in no condition to move he stood tall, every steps full of eerily radiated charisma. A terrifying determination.

At that moment, a thought that I might have underestimated things about Spandam struck me hard.

According to CP protocol, agents in field must follow the orders of the highest-ranking officer. This rule exists to prevent conflicts between departments as they all have their original directives. So even if higher-ups ordered Tom to be left for dead, Spandam’s command to save him overrides it. Under normal circumstances his order wouldn’t have mattered, having no choice but to leave Tom die as a result of there being no doctors onboard. But because Spandam, the highest commander was severely injured several medics had been brought along in train.

It’s hard to think Spandam planned any of this ahead of time, but thanks to this one hell of a coincidence Tom narrowly escaped death.

Chapter Text

Spandam’s only advantage was that he was a fucking high ranked shit. Everyone greatly treated me like royalty. Complain about the food and they’d remake it. How could hospital serve meals out like appetizer - main dish - dessert. Ooh delicious.

Even so, I’m Spandam.

Shit...

Anyway loafing in a hospital bed actually really suits me. Come to think of it being Spandam wouldn't be so terrible. I could live my whole life as a bum.

"Hey"

"Yes, sir?"

I muttered that I wanted strawberries and somehow someone fetched a strawberry. Next to me, Fool 1 was delicately snapping off the tops and arranging them on a plate. You shit having to nurse something like Spandam you poor shit

"What's your name."

"It's Custard Caramel, sir."

What's with that pudding-like name

Pudding… Speaking of pudding, now I want pudding.

"Your name sounds like pudding."

"Pardon?"

"Okay, you'll be Pudding from now on."

"Pardon???"

"Pudding, go buy me a pudding."

"Yes, sir..."

The crestfallen guy opened the ward door to go buy pudding when someone barreled in. Shit I told them visits were forbidden

"SPANDAM!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED!!!!"

I wanna ask you the same. Who are ya.

Ah wait shit

"Spandine, sir...!"

Damn Pudding confirmed it. Shit Spandine—Robin noo-nim's trauma-inducer and former CP9 chief… no, is he the current chief

And shit he's the father of Spandam. What a name they picked. Is the grandfather named Spandat then

"Spandam how dare those pests mess up your face!!! I won't forgive them!! Who did this! I'll order CP9 to execute them!!!"

Nice abuse of power. I hated Spandine almost as much as I hated Spandam but figured he might be the only person in the world who actually had any positive feelings toward Spandam and I still fucking hated it. Shit Spandam.

"Wait, they’re already dead so it’s fine."

"I’ll tear the body apart and throw into the sea as fish food."

"You don't have to do that."

Don’t do that, it’s scary.

Oh this might be a pretty nice chance. The perfect time I claim to live as a lifelong bum. Since Spandam’s a pathetic loser anyway he’d throw a tantrum like wahh im not doing it anymore and I could get away with it.

"Father, there’s something I need to..."

"Get well soon. What's this nonsense when your ascension to chief is less than two months away."

Shit???

I become chief?? Shit what did Spandam even do to become chief. Well he always has been a nepo baby.

"Wait, father I don't want to..."

"I'll assign you protection for two months to never let this happen again! With someone reliable!" 

Fucking listen to me Spandine you fucker. But true to form, self-absorbed Spandine ignored all my words and left.

Shit what am I supposed to do. Should I submit a dropout paper—no, a resignation.

Two months until becoming commander in chief. The least I want to be is a chief!!! I just wanna be a crippled bum! Fooling around!!!

Spandam staying idle would be better for world peace so I’m contributing to world peace by fooling around!!

While I was still scheming how to become a bum Pudding brought out a plate of pudding.

It was custard pudding drowned in plenty of caramel sauce.

You little punk you’ve got the makings of a doormat. I like that. Feeling a bit better, I nibbled at the pudding when someone knocked on the door.

Argh the sign said No Visits. Can’t you see. I was going to use Pudding to shoo them away but the person outside just walked in. Shit come in only when I say so darn inconsiderate

Readying to flip out hysterically at that rude bastard, I froze in place.

“I was ordered by Commander Spandine to escort Chief Spandam.”

"Coo-o"

Shit.

A pigeon.

"I'm Rob Lucci from CP9."

Shit.

That damn Spandine sends for help and he sends Rob Lucci what the heck.

"I was looking forward to meet you."

Rob Lucci who still had a teen’s swagger smirked fuck I think I'm going to die from fear.

Fuck, Spandine go die.

Chapter Text

Rob Lucci sat still next to Pudding. He was actually staying still. Even though Pudding’s hand trembled as he plucked the strawberry tops Lucci sat like a statue not caring about it.

I really wasn’t in the mood to finish my custard pudding but I forced myself to eat. If I didn’t, this situation would get unbearably awkward.

In fact it was awfully silent by now. 

"......" 

"......" 

"......" 

"Coo" 

Right, a pigeon 

"Why is there a pigeon?"

"Their name is Hattori." 

Who asked for its name. 

That habit of taking everything in his own way made obvious that things would be infuriating from now on. Darn.

"What do pigeons eat? Do they eat strawberries?" 

"Hattori only eats what I feed." 

Oh is that so. I feel pretty sheepish for placing a strawberry in hand for it to eat. So I was gonna eat that and that's when the pigeon flew over. 

"Coo-oo" 

Then it suddenly started pecking the strawberry like crazy. Let's eat dove CoococoCocOCococCoo Oh this is a dead meme. Anyway it devoured it all filthy. I asked while giving it another strawberry. 

"Weren't you supposed to only eat what your owner feeds you." 

"Coocooo" 

"......" 

Lucci was staring at me. It had to be an embarrassed look. After all, the owner had said it only ate what he provided, next the bird went and scarf mine down. Wow this bird knows how to troll its owner.

Lucci getting humiliated made some kind of thrill ran through me, but I stopped before my life gets in danger and quit feeding it strawberry.

"Stop eating." 

"Cooo..." 

"The pity card won't work." 

I don’t know this bird's IQ, but it cocked its head into a cute pose. And it rubbed its cheek against my hand acting full-on adorable.

Dammit never thought I'd find a pigeon adorable in my life.

"...Hattori's acting cute..." 

Lucci looked slightly heartbroken. Guess it was a rare bit of affection. Do your owner not feed you often? Why are you doing this to me?

"Clever pigeon. Here, go back to your owner."

Hattori seemed to understand and flew fluttering up. 

And landed on my head. 

Fuck, damn pigeon. Are you fucking mocking me.

"Hattori..." 

You’re making your owner sulky so stop it. Fuck. Wait, this pigeon isn’t messing with Lucci- it’s messing with me. You little pigeon-ass.

“Hattori, if you sit on Rob Lucci’s shoulder I’ll give you the biggest strawberry here.”

“Cooo-o.”

Hattori flew straight to Lucci’s shoulder to sit on it. When I handed over the strawberry, it flapped its wings like it won the lottery.

That wing seemed to smack Lucci about eight times full circle in the face. Lucci's expression grew colder. Well, it was always like that but now it seem to look even colder.

Fricking pigeon… I tried to warm up the frost-bitten mood and you unleashed a blizzard instead. Frick you did that on purpose didn’t you.

I decided to leave the pigeon alone. 

"Um, so... Rob Lucci... right?" 

"Call me whatever you prefer." 

"Okay, Lucci. You said you'd guard me. You’re seriously planning to stay by my side for two months straight?" 

"Yes. I was ordered to provide 24-hour close protection for two months until your commander inauguration." 

Fuck, twenty-four hours?

"What about when I sleep?"

"I'm guarding you then too."

Fuck do you never sleep?

Hell no. I hated the idea to death. Kalifa is okay to me, but close, spending 24/7 with Rob Lucci—no fucking way. Don’t even want to imagine.

He’d watch me going to the bathroom, fuck.

What kind of person poops with someone standing in front of the door, fuck.

"24-hour protection isn’t necessary so it’s fine."

"Commander's orders." 

"In two months I’m the commander so you’d better listen to me then."

"The current commander is Mr. Spandine."

What a stubborn inflexible jerk.

"Dammit, tell the commander I don’t need you."

"Is there a problem with my protection?"

Yes. Plenty of it. Fuck, first off you being Rob Lucci is the main problem.

Just seeing your face stresses me out. Stress is dangerous to a senior student you know, fuck

CSAT’s over though

and so is my life fuck 

"You make me uncomfortable."

"I will not make you uncomfortable."

Fuck, Lucci you shit your presence is uncomfortable. Talk about guarding—heartless killing machine, you’re the most dangerous one here, fuck.

"Lucci, have you ever been assigned a protection mission before?"

"No." 

Fuck, he answered with such confidence that I was speechless.

"…So that's the problem."

"I haven't been assigned protection duties because I was needed for more important missions. I can guarantee my ability."

What a thick-skinned brat daring to say that he's great. Awful asshole. 

"Aren’t you being assigned because you’re not suitable for protection?" 

As soon as I said that he glowered at me. Fuck. That’s exactly why you’re no good. Staring at your charge like you want to kill them—do you want me to have a heart attack.

"What about me is unsuitable?"

"Starting with that attitude—you’re just unfit for guarding? If you get it, go take on more important missions, Mr. elite CP9." 

Get the fuck out of my sight.

"Then teach me how to guard in this mission, prospective commander."

Fuck. 

I should have remembered big-headed assholes like Lucci only get more of a nuisance when provoked. Fuck. Now he’s wounded his pride and trying to get revenge on me. 

I had a hunch which that shit's never giving up now.

Fuck, now there's no hope. 

"Coo-ooo" 

Hattori made a pleased cooing sound.

Shut up you dense pigeon.

Chapter Text

I’d decided I was going to get rid of Lucci no matter what. Sure I hated the guy but there was a little bit of evil intention for if I played my cards right maybe Kalifa noo-nim would end up guarding me instead. Damn, a gorgeous blonde secretary—that’s every man’s dream.

Of course, compared to Spandam right now she’s waaaay out of my league.

Fuck. 

No I'm not Spandam so in my heart I’m gonna keep calling her noo-nim. When I start thinking of myself as Spandam fuck I'll want to die.

Anyway I was racking my brain over the best way to get Lucci kicked out. To look casual, I reached for a strawberry. Except I couldn't get my hands on a strawberry.

"Cooo-oo♡" 

Looking at the plate, there was only a fucking empty plate with a pigeon, face smeared in strawberries. Fuck, damn Lucci. Control your pet.

"Oi Lucci, your pigeon ate all my strawberries." 

"I know." 

What. 

"…Why did you let it eat everything?"

"Hattori loves strawberries."

Fuck when did I ask whether your pigeon loves strawberry or not. 

"...Who do you think the strawberries on this plate were here for." 

Lucci stayed silent when I said that. 

... 

Fuck is this shit seriously thinking it over because he doesn’t know?

"...For me." 

"Oh." 

Don’t give me that [Oh, I get it] look you shit.

"You can't just let your pet eat my strawberries, can you?" 

"...Can't I?" 

Don’t answer me with a question you fucker. 

With that fucking dumb reply, the fucking terrifying psycho hedonist serial killer image of Lucci in my head got reduced to an imbecile.

"OF COURSE NOT!!!!!" 

"I see. I'll keep that in mind." 

I started wondering for real if Lucci is an idiot. I mean, shouldn’t he at least have some basic common sense? Fuck he's a spy for god’s sake. Watching Lucci wipe the pigeon's beak with a handkerchief suddenly made me feel suffocated.

"...I was really wondering," 

"Yes, sir." 

“What's the mission you’ve had where you didn’t have to kill?”

"......There's one." 

"What's that." 

"Guarding you, Spandam, sir." 

Fuck this shit's hopeless. 

“You, I mean you’ve never communicated with people or get on their good side before, right?” 

"I've tried getting their vital points." 

Fuck not like that. 

"Never mind, quit it." 

"Why is that?" 

"If someone lacks basic common sense no matter how skilled they are, they're unsuitable to be a guard. Not just a guard but as an agent too they're not up to it, just inept."

Fuck if he keeps insisting after this I’ll make him take a fucking Good Citizen Quiz. Rob Lucci guy must’ve at least understood I was calling him dumb because he furrowed his brows slightly. I pretended to look out the window afraid of Lucci glaring at me again.

Fuck 

Damn Lucci shoved his face closer to me.

"Then why don’t you teach me common sense."

Fuck, this shit

Fuck off. He's fucking pushy. Fuck. 

He wasn’t exactly in my face, just standing closer but fuck it was fucking scary. It’s worse because that shit doesn’t have common sense. That shit would kill me and say, [I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to kill the person I was guarding.] while holding his fucking head up straight. 

"Why would I-" 

"In three months you're the one who'll be my superior. I lack in common sense but then again I’m confident I’m the best with skills in CP9. It’d be a huge waste to let that talent rot."

Fuck listen to him calling himself a genius. The lack of common sense is showing right there, damn psycho.

"Okay. Then I'll teach you sense." 

I said it while suppressing the urge to punch Lucci. Fuck even if I threw a punch my hand would just be mangled because of Tekkai.

"First of all don’t come closer to me than necessary." 

There's a private distance for a human. Fuck, when this space gets invaded that's when you start to get fucking pissed. They say it's usually a distance about an elbow's length but you are fucking staying away from me more than ten feet you psycho. 

When I waved him off like shoo-shoo, Lucci obediently stepped back.

"And don't let your pigeon eat whatever. Don't touch my food." 

"Cooo...." 

Fuck, that birdass looks dejected now. That actually creeped me out for a second.

"…And you’re not supposed to bring pets into a hospital."

"Why is that?" 

"Because germs. Fuck. And from now on don’t talk back. If you realize you’re lacking common sense just assume what I say is right and memorize it."

"Yes sir." 

At the word 'germs' the pigeon completely wilted. Lucci went to the window and opened it, sending the pigeon flying out. 

Fuck if you just release him will it come back on its own later?

Well if he understands human speech, finding way back should be nothing. It’s what birds do.

"And... " 

I thought about the things I absolutely didn’t want damn Lucci to do and then remembered that only ten minutes ago I’d been determined to get rid of him. Fuck.

"…I’ll just point things out as I see them."

Fuck what do I do with that shit.

He might lack social intelligence but he followed orders pretty well, so there wasn’t really any excuse to fire him. And even if I did fire him he'd probably ignore it and wouldn’t exactly leave. 

Wanting to escape reality I pulled on my eye mask and lay down on bed for a nap. Fuck I’ll think about it after some sleep.

But as I was about to sleep, I had a weird feeling so I pulled off the mask again.

Lucci was staring at me. 

Fuck 

"...What are you doing?" 

"I'm guarding." 

"Guarding someone isn’t about staring at them, it’s about checking for near danger. And don’t you know you’re not supposed to stare at people like that? When you’re assassinating someone don’t your targets notice?"

"Taking care of them before they notice is my specialty."

...Forget it. Fuck. 

"If you’ve got nothing to do read a book or something. This is a hospital in Enies Lobby so there’s nothing dangerous happening here anyways."

"Am I supposed to read a book if I’ve got nothing to do?"

"…Just do whatever you like."

At that, Lucci’s face changed into one of a deep contemplation. Fuck do you not have a single thing you like? Poor thing. Tsk tsk. I have tons of great hobbies! Though, come to think of it, I can’t do any of them right now. 

Suddenly I wanted to die. 

Fine, sleep it is. 

And when I woke up three hours later Lucci was still thinking about it.

Moron

Chapter Text

"If a hobby is defined as a voluntary activity done without any clear benefit I have two kinds of hobbies."

Lucci said while I was chomping on an apple Pudding had cut into the shape of a rabbit.

You dumb shit did you seriously thought about it for five hours straight. Thought you were just zoning out sitting still.

"Taking care of Hattori and engaging in bloodshed."

...Wait fuck. 

I understand the damn pigeon. But fuck did I mishear something?

"I get the first one but what's up with the second?"

"The only disadvantage I’ve ever been criticized for is being unnecessarily violent or trying to eliminate people other than the target. Since I intentionally carried out those unnecessary acts I suppose that makes it my hobby-"

"Nonono of course not. That kind of psychotic action does not count as a hobby."

Calling murder a hobby. It creeped me out. Fuck

Well in the Water 7 arc he looked all cold and rational but actually he’s just a battle freak, a murder addict, anyway he’s definitely a mad fucker. Fucking hates provocation too. Fuck now that I think about it he’s actually completely inept for a spy. Crazy shit who dumped all stats into brute strength.

"Hobby means doing something for fun to pass the time without hurting people. Do you have something more simpler and enjoyable?"

"…I'll have to think more about it."

"No, then it's fine. Just make yourself a normal hobby. Even if it’s not that fun, you’re a spy so make one at least for cover."

"Could you give me examples of normal hobbies?" 

There's top three things people write on a résumé: 1. Listening to music. 2. Reading. 3. Computer.

If this world had FPS Lucci would fucking grind on them, too bad. Nah, that shit might need a game like The Sims to be civilized. Except that psycho would probably turn Sims into a GTA play.

Listening to music is hard without an MP3 player.

Reading… Reading perhaps.

"I guess something safe like... reading?"

"I already read often as part of gathering necessary information."

"No not like that. I mean like a novel."

And why the fuck am I talking about brainstorming hobbies for Rob Lucci.

"Sir, it's time for dinner." 

Pudding brought in the menu. This hospital even has menus. Though it's only in English, so I'm just picking random combos by the alphabet.

"Then I’ll go with today's combo B."

Reading the description, it seems to be some kind of beef. A steak in hospital food. It's a really awesome hospital. Pudding scampered off to order. Because for security, staff can't enter the ward or whatever. So now it was just me and Lucci in this room.

"By the way what do you eat? Do you just eat out?"

All of a sudden I was curious so I asked him, and Lucci pulled something out of his coat.

"No, during missions I always eat portable field rations."

Inside of a ripped open long rectangular box was something like a block of sweet jelly. Shiny black gloss reminded me of something unsettling and nasty... 

Don’t tell me it's called a Protein Block....

"This protein bar contains the full recommended daily intake of nutrients."

.... 

Something bad comes to mind when I think about a protein bar... I mean, sure that wouldn't be made of those but... I mean...

Just for a second I felt pity for Lucci than myself. 

Poor thing... 

While I get to eat steak next to him he'll have to eat that...

"You do long missions too."

"If eating is unnecessary, I subsist on these. They’re designed to be consumed long-term, even for over a year so it doesn't matter."

Does that mean he eats only that for months?

Even delicious food gets sickening if you eat the same thing for a month straight—that protein bar looks absolutely tasteless and he eats one a day for months?

Thinking about it makes me wanna puke. 

"...Does it taste good?" 

"It doesn't taste good." 

And then Lucci roughly chewed the protein bar with a deadpanned expression. 

Watching was more painful for me than for him.

AAAaaAaaaHH don't eat it fuck protein bar fuck

"Don’t eat that in front of me."

Lucci stopped chewing. And looked at me mid-chew.

"…At least swallow what’s in your mouth."

Lucci gulped and said,

"Then I'll only eat it while you’re asleep."

"No, don’t eat it at all. Why are you even eating that stuff."

What are you, a third-class train passenger? I deeply sighed. No matter how much I fucking hated Lucci I couldn’t just watch him saying [This is the only thing I ate my entire life. Nomnom] and choke down protein bar, and bring myself to react with Poor shit LMFAO. Fuck it's not right to do that with someone's food.

"Sir, here’s your-"

"Oi, Pudding, put that here and also go back and bring something for Lucci."

Pudding got a long face and left again. Somehow I feel bad.

But when I realized that fool Pudding had ordered Lucci the exact same combo as me, I stopped felling real bad. Could’ve just brought a plate of fried rice or something why give expensive meal for damn Lucci, what's so good about him.

Anyway I told Lucci to eat a proper meal. When damn Lucci insisted the protein bar was already a proper meal I threatened to fire him for insubordination if he backtalked one more time, he shut up and ate. Fuck, this steak tastes really fantastic.

Hanwoo... No that can't be hanwoo. Anyhow it had to be an extremely costly meat. Melts in my mouth...!

I was starting to feel good and eat until I looked over Lucci was cutting and chewing his steak with immensely robotic precision.

"...How does it taste." 

"It's a beef." 

Fuck, anyone can tell by looking at it damn idiot.

"I meant, does it taste good?"

"What kind of taste am I supposed to describe?"

"…I’m asking if you like the food."

Lucci paused cutting the meat for a moment, thought about it and answered,

"By what standard do I decide if I like it or not?" 

"…Okay, which is better, that steak or the protein bar."

"The steak seems to be rich in fat and protein, but lacking in carbohydrates. From a nutritional perspective I think the protein bar is superior." 

Should've just let him gobble protein bar. Fuck.

"You can't even taste it. What a waste of meat."

That marbling wasn’t raised just to end up in the mouth of a damn idiot who thinks a weird protein bar is better. Poor meat.

"What kind of taste am I supposed to feel?"

"If you can't feel then forget it. Next time just eat your protein bar, I don’t care."

Watching you chew steak like a tasteless paper fuck gradually kills my appetite. Lucci was maybe stung in his pride, as he started munching with a very serious expression as if he was desperately trying to taste something.

As Pudding cleared away the main dish and brought out dessert, Lucci said,

"I think I know what I’m supposed to taste."

"What is it."

"To be sure, I'll need another plate." 

So what. Are you asking for seconds now. 

Smug prick. Very clever ordering what he wants.

He'd just seen how much trouble it was for Pudding to order, wait, and bring it up—it's not like the employee just brings it here—and still asked with a straight attitude.

"Then just forget it. If you didn’t know after one plate, another won’t change anything."

"This is the first time I’ve ever eaten beef."

... 

I froze, about to stuck the fork in the dessert that looked like orange shaved ice.

...Fuck... That’s actually sad.... 

"...Pudding." 

"Yes, sir?" 

"Just bring him another plate." 

"...Okay, sir."

Chapter Text

Damn Lucci was stubborn as hell about not sleeping at night, he kept insisting he'd stay up so I told him if anything dangerous seem to happen, he could deal with it then. Fuck just being stuck in the same room with him was bad enough but the thought of him staying awake all night in this room while I slept was fucking creepy. 

The sun never set in Enies Lobby, so thick curtains made it dark while sleeping. I fell asleep wondering how I could get damn Lucci to fuck off. 

'Tap, tap-tap-tap, tap, tap-tap, tap-tap-tap'

Some loud noise opened my eyes. Fuck what the hell. Is hail falling outside or what. Fuck I tried to sit up but Lucci was standing right next to me. Fuck you startled me. 

"What is it, now." 

"I’ll check right away." 

Saying that, Lucci pulled the curtains wide open. Light poured in, revealing the source of the noise outside. 

"...Hattori?" 

Damn Lucci muttered, dumbfounded. 

Fuck. 

Fuck, that damn bird. What did it have against me, waking me up in the middle of the night, fuck. I can’t fall back asleep once I'm awake, damn bird. This place doesn’t even have nights and fuck I’m already halfway to having insomnia. 

Damn Lucci stared at me instead of driving it off immidiately. Fuck. What do you want me to do. 

"...Chase it away. Tell it not to sneak around at night near there ever again. 

Fuck, I feel like my face will ache again. I sighed hard and rubbed my temple and Lucci kept staring. 

"...What." 

"This is the first time Hattori has disobeyed my orders and returned. May I find out what’s going on?" 

Fuck shut up. Who cares, maybe the pigeon couldn't find its home.

But since Lucci's only hobby was taking care of a pigeon, telling him to ignore whether it dies or not and throw it out will make me feel not good. 

"...Don’t let it enter the room." 

"Understood." 

When Lucci carefully cracked the window open, the pigeon immediately flapped inside. 

Fuck?! 

And fuck it had something in its beak, flying towards me.

Fuck was it holding a grudge being called a germ factory and was about to drop half a cockroach corpse on me as revenge? 

"Aaagh! Get away!" 

While I was flailing my arms, something fell onto my head. Instinctively I shook it off. Fuck that creeped me out. What did it drop on me. Whatever it was landed softly on the bedsheets. 

"...What is this." 

"It's a flower." 

Fuck I know that too. 

You think I don’t have eyes, damn Lucci. 

Fuck why did it drop a flower. 

Feeling grossed out, I picked up the purple flower. The pigeon perched at the foot of my bed, tilting its head. It had a look like it expected something. 

I threw away that flower under the bed.

"Cooo-oo coo-o!!" 

Fuck stop flapping your wings. Fuck I think I just developed a fear of pigeons. Fucking horrifying. 

"Lucci, get this deranged pigeon out of here right now!!" 

Lucci was dismally muttering something about giving me a gift he’d never recieved before... but now was not the time to be bothered by that stuff. 

I can't tell if this was some genuine gift or poisonous weed meant to fuck me over. When Lucci held out his hand, the pigeon stopped flapping its wings then dramatically turned its head away. 

"...What's with that." 

"It seems upset." 

Fuck. Like I care if a pigeon sulks. I was about to order him to grab and throw it out but then I locked eyes with the pigeon. 

Coo. The pigeon let out a small cry. 

Fuck don’t give me that pitiful look. It's not like I'll see that. 

"...Lucci pick up that flower and put it on the table beside." 

...I absolutely did not give in to some pigeon thing.

Fighting a war of nerves with some pigeon thing would be even dumber. 

"I got the gift, now get out." 

Lucci held out his hand again, and the pigeon hopped onto it. 

Then it rubbed against Lucci pitifully. 

"...Hattori, are you saying you want to stay with me...!" 

Fuck don’t monologue. It's creepy. 

Petting the pigeon, Lucci asked, 

"Spandam, sir. May I keep Hattori with me?" 

Yeah sure. Keep it with you. 

Keep you both the fuck out of my sight, dumbasses. 

Fuck 

"Rest assured, I will never let them bother you, sir." 

Fuck you sound like a kid begging his mom for a puppy, promising to walk it and clean up after it. Lies. Absolute lies. That promise will be in vain. Fuck. Don’t expect me to fall for it. 

You're not even close to pathetic with that look, damn Lucci. 

However fuck he was fucking scary. 

"...Do what you want. Never let it get near me. If I hear pigeon noises while I’m sleeping both of you are out." 

I yanked the blanket over my head and fuck I swore that tomorrow I’d throw damn Lucci and his pigeon out together. The only reason I didn’t let the pigeon out right now was because being alone with Lucci was somehow worse than being stuck with pigeon+Lucci. 

Fuck. 

The next morning when Pudding brought the menu, I asked him about the flower. 

"It’s a purple violet." 

"...You sure it's not poisonous?" 

"No, sir." 

So it just picked a random weed then. Fine, I wouldn’t give a shit about some plant thingy a pigeon plucked off the ground. I had breakfast to order. 

"For reference, the flower language of purple violets is love." 

Pudding added.

Yeah fuck thank you so much for fucking telling me something I never asked. 

"Coo♡" 

"..Breakfast in A." 

"Understood." 

"And for Lucci-" 

"I'll have this special menu's steak made with veal."

"Bring him the same Combo A or whatever." 

Fuck, and bring him some common sense too.