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Natalie sighed, dropping her backpack somewhere on wooden floor of Lottie’s bedroom, and plopped onto Lottie’s bed, face pressed into her pillow like she lived there. Soon after, Lottie followed into the room, with a surprised laugh.
”Well, I guess I don’t need to tell you to make yourself comfortable.” Lottie teased, with no real heat behind it.
Nat grumbled something, muffled and barely coherent.
Lottie giggled, “Yeah, I guess I’m kind of tired too.”
The bed dipped beside Natalie. Lottie sat up criss-crossed at her headboard. While she moved Natalie’s head into her lap, Lottie smoothly slid her fingers into Natalie’s hair. Nat made some sort of noise of contentment.
“Practice went on for way too long.” Lottie scoffed, “I mean, I get it. Everyone wants to win of course. But I feel like-”
Natalie turned her face to the side and looked up at Lottie. Lottie, who was still speaking, met the eyes of Natalie, who was barely listening.
Natalie watched her lips move. The way her dimples disappear then reappear again, the way her lips purse, the way she bites her bottom lip when she doesn’t know what to say. Then Nat watches her eyes. Her big, dark, doe eyes. The way they glisten under the low light of her bedside lamp and the evening sun, the way they crease at the corners when she smiles, the way they stare right back into Natalie’s like she’s looking into her soul.
Suddenly, Lottie stopped talking. Natalie blinked up at her, “What?”
”Dude, I’ve been saying your name for like two minutes.” Lottie shook her head in disbelief, “Did you hear anything I said?”
”Of course I did.” Nat mumbled.
Lottie made a face at Nat, knowingly, “Yeah, sure.”
She took her fingers out of Natalie’s hair. Nat made a quick sound of protest but Lottie slid down to lay right next to her.
Lottie moved one of her hands back to Nat, but instead of to Natalie’s hair, she cupped Nat’s check instead. The soft pads of her fingers brushed against the flushed skin, slowly massaging her cheekbone over and over.
Lottie smiled, “What do you want to do, Nat?” She spoke so quietly that Nat almost missed it.
Sleep, is what Natalie really wanted to say. But instead, despite herself, Natalie whispered, “Whatever you want.”
Lottie laughed, sudden and shy. Her cheeks matching her rosy, pink lips. It was a nice look on her. Nat wishes she could see it on her more often.
Lottie yawns and sits back up, tugging Nat’s arm, “Come on, let’s get up.”
Nat groans, “Lot, please, I’m exhausted.” Still, Natalie lets Lottie pull her up anyways.
“You,” Lottie pointed her finger at Natalie, “Said whatever I want.”
Natalie bit her lip then ducked her head to hide her smile, “Yeah, and I already regret it.”
Lottie ignored Nat’s comment and walked them over to her desk. Lottie let go of Nat’s hand to set up her record player. She then pulls out a box.
”Here,” Lottie gently pushes the box into Natalie’s arms, “Pick one.”
Nat peers into the box, its full to the brim with records. She pulls out the chair from under Lottie’s desk and sits down, carefully going through each record.
Nat scoffs, “What are these? I mean seriously, The Beatles? I didn’t peg you as that kind of person.”
Lottie turns around and scrunches her nose, “Problem?”
Nat just smiles, “Nah. You do you.”
Lottie narrows her eyes at Nat while she just smiles even wider.
Lottie turns back around to finish setting up while Natalie goes back to skimming her record collection.
Nat pulls out an album, “Hey, Lottie,”
Lottie’s turns around to see Natalie holding up a purple album, So Tonight That I Might See.
Lottie lips turn up, so softly, “Sure, Nat.”
Natalie bit her lip again, and waits for Lottie. Finally, Lottie turns back around for the final time. She looks Nat in her eyes and holds out her hand for the record. And to her credit, Natalie hands it to her without breaking eye contact.
Natalie stares shamelessly as Lottie puts the record in and starts the album.
Fade into you begins to play. Natalie isn’t a Mazzy Star fan but she always found the song particularly beautiful.
Lottie reaches her hand out towards Nat, who’s still sitting in the chair, with a smile. And in this moment, Natalie believes Lottie is the prettiest girl she’s ever seen.
Lottie pulls Nat up, and holds her while they gradually move into a slow dance.
Typically, if anyone else tried to do this with her, Nat would laugh. She typically finds things like this to be an excruciatingly useless, pathetic display of affection. But that’s different. That’s not Lottie Matthews.
I wanna hold the hand inside you.
Natalie can hear Lottie’s heartbeat as they slowly swayed and spun around. Nat breathes her scent in deep, some sort of floral mix with hints of skin. Natalie wonders if she’s ever smelled anything better. Lottie reaches a hand up into Nat’s hair and Natalie automatically sighs.
Lottie chuckles softly, “You okay, there?”
I wanna take the breath that’s true.
For some reason, Natalie eyes begin to water. Fuck, when did she become so soft? Without Lottie, Nat would’ve never imagined herself in this position, so vulnerable and open. Natalie isn’t quite sure when she began to act like this, let alone how but Nat’s sure it’s just the Lottie Matthews effect.
Despite not receiving an answer, Lottie continues anyway, “You know I love you, Natalie.”
Natalie holds her breath.
”And I-” Lottie pauses, “I mean it truly. You’re so important to me and…”
Natalie can almost hear Lottie shutting her eyes. She could also imagine her modest, shy smile.
”And uh yeah. I’m just happy you’re here and we can spend some time together. You know, outside of school.” Lottie laughs nervously, and Natalie smiles into her shoulder, hoping it’ll stop Nat’s tears from falling.
I look to you and I see nothing.
Nat wants to say something but she really doesn’t trust her voice at the moment. So instead, she continues to breathe in Lottie’s scent and attempts to further pick apart the notes.
It’s quite a difficult task, every part of Lottie is completely unique, it’s one of Natalie’s favorite things about her.
You live your life, you go in shadows.
Lottie hesitates, “Nat?”
”Yes?” Nat breathes, so softly, hoping Lottie can’t hear her voice waver.
“Can you..” Lottie started, cautiously, “Do you feel the same?”
Natalie whimpered involuntarily.
You’ll come apart and you’ll go blind.
“Of course, Lot.”
“Then why won’t you say it?” Lottie almost sounded desperate, and it struck Natalie somewhere deep.
Some kind of night into your darkness.
Natalie breathes in, “I love you, Lottie.” Her voice wavered and Nat silently cursed herself for it.
Lottie exhales, “Yeah?”
”Yeah.” And Natalie let’s go of the breath she forgot she was holding.
Colors your eyes with what’s not there.
“I love you, Charlotte Matthews,” Natalie rarely uses her full name, only when she wants Lottie to know that she’s completely sincere. “I really do. I’ve never loved someone more, and I never will.” A promise. Natalie rarely uses them either but she feels that she really needs to right now.
Fade into you.
Lottie sighs, content with Nat’s answer and squeezes Natalie tighter. Natalie now realizes that they never stopped moving. They were still slow dancing under the evening sun.
Natalie can hear Lottie giggle softly and Nat wonders exactly what she’s thinking about.
Strange, you never knew.
Lottie pulls Natalie back and cups her face. Natalie opens her eyes, and for this moment, she forgot all of her problems and let Lottie swipe a finger under her eye, taking her tears away.
Lottie smiles down and Natalie, the type of smile that completely reached her eyes, a smile that showed every single one of Lottie’s teeth, the type of smile that made her cheeks hurt. The type of smile that immediately spread to Natalie with little to no effort.
Natalie raises her hand to cup Lottie’s cheek back.
Fade into you.
Lottie leans down and kisses Natalie. It was so abrupt that it took Nat a second to kiss her back. Still, Natalie smiled into it nonetheless.
Natalie moved her hands down Lottie’s neck.
I think it’s strange you never knew.
And for once in her life, Natalie felt completely okay.