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Suki sat on her side of the sofa, stretching her legs out, feet resting on Eve’s lap. She looked over at Eve, watching her grin at something funny on the TV, she wasn’t sure what. Eve looked to the side and gave her a comforting smile, before returning her eyes to the screen. She lay a hand lazily on Suki’s shin, the other going behind her head. She continued to feel Suki’s eyes burning into the side of her face.
Eve tore her eye’s away from the television properly this time and looked fully at her wife. She had that look in her eye. The one where she wanted to talk about something, but she didn’t know quite how to bring it up.
She shifted her hips round, enabling herself to face Suki properly. “What’s that look for?” asked Eve.
Suki looked at her closely then looked away, pretending to be engaged with the program lighting up the room, still unsure of herself.
Eve grabbed her foot and gave it a wiggle. “Come on, spit it out.”
Suki gazed at her and knew she had to bring the topic up. As much as she didn’t want to, she had many regrets in her life that still swum round her mind, popping up occasionally to wear her down. She didn’t want any more, and she worried that if she didn’t at least broach the topic, that may well be where they were headed.
It had all started a few days ago, on Wednesday. Vinny had told her that he was going to be heading to Canada for Ash’s engagement party, a party she had had no idea was even happening, an engagement she wouldn’t have even known was happening had it not been for social media. Eve had talked it through with her, tried to make her feel less bereft at the situation. Unfortunately, currently, Eve was busy on the bap van, and Suki was increasingly, without a physical workplace and only a few businesses still under her name, finding herself at a loose end. Far too much time for thinking.
Too much time for thinking of all she had lost. All the time she felt she had wasted. She loved her life now. She had everything she’d ever wanted in a romantic partner. But her life didn’t begin the day she met Eve. As much as she hated to think about it, it was likely that under half of her life be spent with Eve. Slowly, with Eve’s gentle guidance, she was spending less and less time thinking about Nish, and the hold he had had on her life. But there were other parts of that life, particularly those built during his sentence, that she didn’t want to leave behind. Her children, her businesses. But none of them felt under her control anymore. They were just slipping away from her, and she was trying to hold on, she really was. But they didn’t need her anymore. Those parts of her life were just fine moving on without her.
She needed something new to dig her teeth into. But she just felt she was in a bit of a rut. It’s undeniably a lot of work starting businesses from scratch. And being a mother had always been such a huge part of her identity that now Vinny too was siding with Ash ever more so and she was no longer channeling so much energy into protecting Eve, she had nowhere to put it.
Even the clearly blossoming relationship between Priya and Ravi, although they would deny it, worried her. She would never voice this concern, of course, she wanted them to be happy, but it was hard to escape the niggle that there was no blood relation between them. Of course she loved her grandchildren as if they were. But in the past, it had been strengthened by the mess of their lives, when Priya and Avani had first arrived, they had had very little. They had needed her. She was terrified what might happen should that not be the case anymore. It seemed like only a matter of time before it would dawn on them that perhaps they should all try living together. What if they needed somewhere bigger and moved away? Teenagers were so occupied with their own lives, what if they slowly started seeing her and speaking to her, gradually less and less...
Clearly, there was a lot of things whizzing her around her mind, problems, but no solutions. And she was fed up of it. So she decided to park it. Start looking for solutions. Since meeting Eve, her perspective on life had changed. It was no longer about survival, it was about what would make her happy.
And so came Thursday, the day Lily was to return home. She was set to go to a party that night with Avani and Amy, and Stacey and Jean were helping Kat with the opening of the Vic. Eve had eagerly agreed to look after the kids.
Of course, Suki had gone along too. Not just to help, and spend time with her wife, but specifically because watching Eve, smiling and laughing, playing and being silly; it was truly one of her favourite things in the world. It made Eve glow, and that radiated into Suki. She would put on silly voices, perform with Hope and Arthur, then sweep Charli up, giving her a bath and reading her a book before she went to bed. She was just a natural, at all of it. Much better than Suki had been really.
It was at that point, Suki realised, maybe this was what she needed. To give her more purpose again in life. Her, Eve and a little baby. Their own perfect little family. A chance to do it again, but better. To put into action all the lessons Eve had taught her about love.
She knew Eve would take some convincing. And maybe it was a crazy idea. But she couldn’t let it worm away inside of her, she wanted it out there, on the table.
Eve nodded, encouraging her.
Suki cleared her throat. “Um, have you ever thought about us having children?”
The surprise was evident on Eve’s face. This was not what she was expecting to come up. It felt as if it had come out of nowhere.
Eve looked away, seeking out the moon and stars visible through a gap in the curtains. Normally, when this topic was brought up, she would laugh it off, make some joke about being flighty or not sensible enough. But she knew Suki, the tone of her voice, that look in her eye. She was serious about this. And that meant Eve had to be too. It meant she had to give serious consideration to a topic she had always buried deep in the back of her mind. Not only had she never been in the right relationship, but also, the whole concept of parenthood was painful for her.
Eve took a deep breath and looked back to Suki. “No. Not really. I thought we were happy with our family the way it is, even if it is unconventional.”
Suki looked at her closely. “I am too, of course I am. I love our life. It’s just, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, me and you, our own little one.”
Eve suddenly felt uncomfortable. When Suki got an idea in her head, well it could be hard to get it out. And usually that was okay, she wanted to be able to give Suki everything she wanted, she wanted to give her the world. But this was complex and nuanced. It was life changing, for both of them. She needed to stand her ground, make sure every possible angle had been looked at. Not just join Suki in donning her rose-tinted glasses.
“I’ve never thought about it. You know it’s never been an option for me, and with you, I just thought it wouldn’t ever be something you’d be interested in, not after the shackles you’ve been living in your whole life. I thought you’d want freedom, I thought we were going to go travelling when we retired, get some hobbies together, hope Vinny gave us a cute little grandchild. Not be dealing with a stroppy teenager.”
“That’s why I want this though. To do it right this time, to enjoy it properly instead of worrying about paying the rent or if their fathers influence or genetics would make them into people that I didn’t recognise. I could never truly relax, enjoy the small things, look at my partner and know that together we had created something beautiful.”
Eve sighed. “I don’t think I’d make a good mum.” She stated simply. Because it was how she’d always felt. She’d always pictured herself as the fun, gay aunt, having a kick around in the garden with her nieces or nephews. Not long after that dream evaporated, she lost all belief in the notion of ‘family’. She had been no longer able to picture herself in a family unit in any role. She'd learnt to survive alone.
“Of course you would.” Suki stated, in her view an obvious statement.
“You don’t know that.” Said Eve. “I’m 50 and I have never been responsible for anything in my life. You’ve seen my temper; I’ve been inside. How is any of that conducive to being a good mum.”
“Because that’s not who you really are Eve.” Suki soothed. “You’re a product of your circumstances. Yet despite everything, you’ve turned out to be kind, loyal and fun. If you asked anyone who knew you to describe you in three words, not one of them would be negative. You’ve got everything it takes to be an amazing mum.”
Eve shook her head, still not entirely convinced. “If I was meant to be a mum, then wouldn’t I have wanted it more. Wouldn’t I have felt more of those maternal yearnings people speak of throughout my life?”
“No.” replied Suki, firmly. “Not every woman feels like that. I certainly didn’t when I was nineteen, nor did I want a fourth with three little ones running around, a single mother in all the ways that mattered. Yet every single time, I never once regretted it. I love them all more than anything, I would give any of them anything. So if you feel like you want this, but you’re not 100% sure, you would be once they were here. I can promise you that.”
Eve knew this was probably true. But that didn’t mean this was the right decision. This all just seemed crazy. When she had woken up this morning, she hadn’t expected their evening to end up here. She still had so many questions. “How would we even go about it?” she asked, realising this was one of the most important things they had not yet mentioned. “I think we’re both too old for IVF.”
Suki took a minute. This was one of the things nagging her the most. She really wished there was a way for the child to be biologically at least one of theirs, she’d love to have a little Eve running around, see her wife’s shining blue eyes reflected back to her in double, that kind heart passed on. Unfortunately, more and more symptoms looking like the perimenopause had been seeping into Eve’s life. This was causing her both physical and mental struggles, as well as insecurities regarding aging, all of which Suki knew well. It would be unfair and insensitive of Suki to suggest investigations into if Eve had any fertility left.
But they still had options. She knew Eve had lesbian friends who had been through some of them, so she couldn’t deny that it was possible. “There are other options. I guess for us adoption really.”
It was all becoming too much for Eve to take. It was feeling like Suki had thought this all through and she was just left playing catch up, trying to figure out how the hell this had all happened without her sensing anything. Why now? Why did Suki suddenly need more?
She buried her head into the sofa’s armrest, needing a moment to process everything. As Eve twisted around, her back somewhat turning on Suki, Suki sidled up behind her, placing a solid hand on her back, leaning against her body.
“Eve,” she said gently. “I’m not trying to make you do anything or make any decisions tonight. I just wanted to bring it up because it’s been on my mind and I want us to be on the same page about things. I didn’t like the way it was festering in my brain; I wanted it out in the open.”
“I know, it’s just stressing me out because now I feel like you need more than I’ve given you and what if I can’t give it to you and I don’t even know what I want and it’s such a big decision that I don’t even know if I can trust myself with it and it might not even be possible if I did decide I wanted it to adopt because of my criminal record so then I might have ruined your dreams because I’ve been an idiot and it’s making me think about how old we’ll be when they become an adult and I don’t like thinking about that because I’ve only just got you and I want to be with you forever but we don’t have forever…”
Suddenly, Suki felt very guilty. Whilst she had been fantasising over the beautiful family she wanted for them, there had been little time to consider the logistics. She hadn’t even considered that Eve may be unable to adopt. Eve didn’t like talking about prison much, and Eve seemed so seldom like that angry person that Suki often forgot it had ever happened. And now Eve might start blaming herself for not being able to provide that life for Suki.
Suki tried to shush her, rubbing up and down her back soothingly. “Eve, it’s okay love, it’s okay. I’m sorry, this was just meant to be a little conversation, put out some feelers. I never meant for it to make you feel like you weren’t enough for me. It was meant to be the opposite, I wanted you to see how serious I was about our life together, I want us connected in every possible way.”
Eve looked at her. “I’m sorry, I’m being dramatic. It’s just a lot to take in.”
“I know.” Said Suki apologetically. “It has been for me too. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about it. But I think that’s enough for tonight, I don’t want you to be upset. Just take some time to process it. You know where I am if you have any questions and we can talk it over again soon when you know more about how you feel about it. And don't do anything just for my sake, okay? This is your life just as much as it is mine.”
Eve sat up and nodded, her face thoughtful. She got up from the sofa and soon returned to the room, a bottle of beer in hand.
She saw Suki’s face flit with concern. Too many times as soon as something monumental happened between them, Eve would get on the bottle, often leading to her disappearing for the night. She assessed the concern on Suki’s face. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, it will just help me to relax.”
Suki tried to relax herself and patted the spot next to her on the sofa. Eve flopped down and into her arms. “See maybe you can’t trust me to be a good mum.”
“Oi.” Said Suki, poking her in the back. “Of course I would trust you. You’d never do anything to hurt me I know that. Stop saying these things, it won’t work on me.”
Eve laughed and reached for the remote, pressing the play button to recommence the program. Suki looked down at her, wrapping an arm gently over her chest. “I love you, Eve.” She declared. “No matter what.”
Eve looked up at her, smiling softly. “I love you too.”