Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

What kind of heart do you have? I wonder if they're throwing you away

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“I love TXT, but Beomgyu is the obvious visual hole.”

“Yeah, and like he can't even dance”

“He honestly never should've debuted”

“I'm so glad he gets the least lines in their songs, his voice is shit”

Beomgyu's tears dripped onto the screen, blurring the comments under his most recent performance. They were all the same, commenting on how he let down the group and ruined their performance. His head was spinning. He'd tried so hard this comeback, hoping that the comments would change, but they never did.

He wouldn't let this happen again. He couldn't. He had to push himself as hard as he could, and nothing would stop him from finally not letting them down.

˖ ݁𖥔 ݁˖ 𐙚 ˖ ݁𖥔 ݁˖

“Baby, wake up, we have practice,” he heard Soobin’s soft voice say from beside him in the bed, as he rose from sleep. His head was ringing, and his throat felt raw and scratchy as he let out a painful yawn. As soon as he sat up, his head began throbbing. His body felt heavy, and his joints sore, as he struggled to pull himself out of sleep.

“Coming,” He mumbled dryly as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom. Damn, his head was pounding, and he felt like crap. He squeezed toothpaste out of the tube, accidentally squeezing too hard, which ended in it squirting all over the counter, and somehow missing his toothbrush in the process. Today was gonna be hard.

But he had to push through it.

He had to be better.

By the time he was ready and changed, the others were already out of the house, and Soobin was just leaving. “Hurry up Beomgyu, you're gonna make us late for practice!” He stumbled over his shoes as he threw them on, leaving the laces untied, and ran out of the door after his annoyed boyfriend.

His head thumped against the side of the van as it went over potholes and speed bumps. Dizziness clouded his vision, creating a haze that swirled around him, while an uncomfortable heat radiated from his skin, making him feel as if he were trapped within a fever dream. Beside him, Soobin sat with an air of quiet concern, his fingers gently running through the strands of the younger boy’s hair, offering a soothing touch that contrasted with the pain he felt.

“Gyu, are you okay? You feel hot… are you sick?” the elder questioned, his eyes full of concern. Shaking his head the younger replied “No, no I'm just tired,” His boyfriend gave him a sceptical look, but didn't push further. The ache in his head eased slightly as they neared the company building.

Practice was running as smoothly as it could, though the rest members noticed Beomgyu’s ill-seeming state, and their concern was evident in their worried expressions. His breaths were short and fast and sweat dribbled down his forehead as he danced, trying to keep up with the song.

It was all going fine, until suddenly his foot slipped, and he fell. Hard. The dizziness, that he was trying to suppress all day, came back worse than ever.

“Beomgyu!” He heard his voice being called as four pairs of footsteps came running over, and his boyfriend's face came into his line of vision. He struggled to push himself up onto his feet, but then he was pulled up from the ground and guided to a bench. The pounding of his head was getting worse and worse, but he tried to ignore it as he faced the members.

“Gyu, what's wrong? You've seemed off all morning,” Yeonjun asked, his expression tight with worry, but Beomgyu just brushed it off, “ I'm fine, I'm just finding this choreo hard,”

“Well no duh, you look sick. You've been pushing yourself too hard lately, I mean look, you're all hot and clammy” His boyfriend cut in, “Why won't you take a break?”

Beomgyu just rolled his eyes, “I said I'm fine, okay?” he began to stand up as he said “We're losing time, let's just get back to practice-” “No.” Soobin firmly interrupted, pushing him back down. “Take a break. You're sick.”

Yeonjun turned to Kai and Taehyun and motioned for them to practice some dace steps with him, and leave the two alone.

“Why are you acting like I'm dying or something? I'm fine!” Beomgyu snapped back at the leader. “Because you've seemed off all day, and you just collapsed in the middle of practice! You're not okay, Beomgyu. Go home. I'm saying that as both your boyfriend and your leader.”

With every word, the pounding in Beomgyu's head seemed to become worse and worse.

“You always do this,” he mumbled in response. “Do what? Worry about you? Care for you?” Soobin retorted, though the pain in his voice was hard to miss. Gyu just stood up and pushed Soobin's loving hands away. “You know that's not what I mean. I mean you are constantly telling me what to do and bossing me around. I know you're my hyung, but you act like my parent. And you know what? You're not. You're not my dad. So stop acting like you are.”

“Go home,” Soobin said finally, not leaving any room for questions.

Chapter Text

So Beomgyu did. He grabbed his bag and his hoodie and left the practice room.

Back at the dorm

‘They're angry at you’

His head was aching

‘You're gonna ruin the comeback’

He pushed open the door to his room and stumbled over to his bed

‘Why would you do this now?’

He pulled at his hair, just trying to get rid of the aching in his head. It felt like his heart was in his mind and every time it beat, pain rushed through his skull.

He let out a soft whine, he just wanted the pain to go away. His body was exhausted and weak, and his throat felt like he had swallowed sandpaper. He didn't mean what he said to Soobin. All he wanted was for him to be there right now, and be there with him.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he remembered all the horrible things he had said. He would do anything to take them back.

Soobin pov

“Practice is over.”

Soobin said after an hour of almost silent practice. He didn't say anything else. He just pulled on his hoodie, and left the practice room, leaving the other three members standing there awkwardly.

The ride back was even worse. Soobin didn't say a word, on the journey back to the apartment. His gaze lingered on the seat next to him. Beomgyu's seat. The other members spared him, sympathetic glances, knowing that the argument earlier had affected him, but they didn't want to make anything worse, or risk angering him again. The only noise that could be heard in the van was the constant thrumming of the engine, and the patter of rain against the windows.

By the time they got back to the Apartment, the sun had already gone down. Not a single light was on in the apartment, no indication that anyone was home, apart from Beomgyu's shoes which were clumsily placed on the floor.

Taehyun, Yeonjun and Kai went to the kitchen, probably to order or make some food, but Soobin hung back in the hallway. He made his way to his and Beomgyu's room and just stood outside the door for a while. He knocked lightly and called out his boyfriend's name.

“Beomgyu?”

He waited for a response but he didn't get one. He let out a sigh and leaned his head against the door. Normally he would go inside, talk to his boyfriend, and comfort him. But he didn't. He didn't want them to have another argument, so he didn't go to their shared room.

He let out a sigh and stepped away from the door. He looked back at it for a few seconds before going into the kitchen to eat with the others. He would talk to Beomgyu tomorrow.

Beomgyu pov

Beomgyu didn't hear Soobin knocking. Well not really. He was still collapsed on his bed, feeling too dizzy to sit up, and when he heard Soobin's voice, he couldn't tell whether he was really there or just a figment of his own imagination. He felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and when he tried to respond but his voice felt so raw that all he could get out was a soft croak.

Even if Beomgyu had imagined his boyfriend's voice, he wanted him to come in, to comfort him and just be with him. But he never came. The familiar feeling of tears burned behind his eyes.

He was sorry. So so sorry. Sorry for being sick. Sorry for brushing off and being rude to the members. And most of all, he was sorry to Soobin. He never wanted to yell at him. He never should've said all of those things. He didn't even believe what he had said, he was just angry at himself for being sick. He yelled those things at his boyfriend. His best friend. His leader. He yelled at the person who cared about him and loved him the most in the world, and he had ruined everything.

‘You can't do anything right’

‘You always hurt the people around you’

‘Soobin doesn't love you anymore-’

He clawed at his head, pulling at his hair, as his breathing get heavier and more erratic. He tried to pull the thoughts out from his head, and tried to convince himself not to listen to them.

“That's not true… “

He whispered brokenly. Of course, Soobin Hyung still loved him…Right?