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Today was the worst.
Everything that could go wrong, did, and everything that didn't, you managed to fuck up anyway. You enter your shared block expecting it to be empty, Gamzee had mentioned having some clown bullshit thing he had to do this evening, which is perfect, because you're on the verge of a full meltdown.
Except when you slam the door, Gamzee, who is lounging on the couch and very much still home, jumps so hard he almost falls off.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" It's a question that comes out more accusatory than you mean, but you're already at your absolute limit.
"Hi best friend," he says way too fucking happily for just being yelled at for no reason "Brother at the church got himself all up and motherfucking sick with something, so we got all our plans moving to next week's service." He smiles. Great, fantastic, can't even throw a fit in peace, now you'll have to figure out how to be quite enough to not alert your block mate, except now his smile has dropped and he's looking at you.
"What?" You snap. Great, yes, defensive, that's exactly how you want to come off.
"What's happening, friend? Seeming real down and motherfucking upset, more than normal..." He's wrenched himself off the couch now, but you'll be fucked if you let him scrutinize you any closer.
"I'm fine." You say, turning and b-linging to the respite block, you try to throw the door closed, but of course he's already in the room with you because his freak-ass long legs can easily outpace you.
"Fuck off, asshole, I said I'm fucking fine!" You spit. You're losing your already decimated patience for this, you're already feeling like you're watching it in 3rd person, dizzy, numb, and you can feel the frustration prick at the edges of your vision.
But Gamzee looks at you with those sad, pitiful fucking eyes.
"Do not." You warn.
"Now, best friend,"
"No."
"I can't say that I'm up and believin' all that", he says, and he's looking at you so tenderly, and it's pissing you off.
"And just why the fuck not?? Last time I checked, you don't get to make decisions on whether I mean something or not!"
"You're speaking truth there, best friend, but, y'know," he shifts closer to you, "you give me the greatest of graces, my pale brother. Fill me up with the most miraculous of motherfucking forgiveness, but, I've gotten up and into noticing that you don't seem to give yourself that same holy patience, brother."
For some reason that shocks you. It shouldn't. But you'd just assumed all the sopor had rotted away his ability to observe. He did get better, once he sobered up, you just figured some of the gaps the sopor caused would probably never close up, but, he keeps surprising you.
And now you're stuck, you really thought when you told him to fuck off somewhere, he would, and you could breakdown on your own. But he didn't. And now you're here faced with the reality that he sees you. Your pan is swimming, blood pusher rattling in your ears, you cant breathe and it's too much, too much, too much. Gamzee's talking to you again, but you can't hear him, you try to look at him but the world is blurred. It isn't until he puts a hand to your cheek that you realize that your face is wet with tears, with that realization, it's as if the dam you've built around yourself bursts open. You choke on a sob, tears and snot run down your face, you know you must look fucking pathetic, but, Gamzee doesn't hesitate.
He pulls you into a crushing hug, shooshing and papping and cradling you in a way you don't fucking deserve. He rocks while you fall apart, holding the broken pieces together so you don't disappear. You have no idea how long you're both there, you just cry and cry and cry until you run out of tears, till Gamzee's scooted back into the pile so you can lay down, cradled to his chest.
Distantly you realize he's purring. It's broken and shallow, you've vaguely heard it when you're doing this for him, but never this loudly, like he's forcing it as loud as he can to let you know he's here, that he's GOT you. It's probably the worst thing you ever heard. It's also unforgivably comforting. He's rubbing circles into your side with one hand while he scratches around the base of one of your horns with the other, the sensation is so relaxing you couldn't move even if you wanted to. You can feel yourself drifting when Gmazee speaks.
"I'm so pale for you, best friend, wouldn't even have been here, if you hadn't up and cared about me like you do. I'll always be up and around ready to carry all those heaviest of motherfucking feelings, you're worth the carry, my most miraculous of miracles." He says it so quietly in the dark, like he isn't even sure if you can here him.
It's so sincere, for a minute, before you embrace the sleep clawing at the edges of your consciousness, you almost believe it.