Work Text:
Jack: Eugene, are you sitting down, you want to be sitting down for this.
Eugene: I know you seem to think this is hilarious Jack, but for the benefit of our listeners, yes I am sitting down.
Jack: ok ok ok so get this, for April Fools, right, lets pull some crazy pranks!
Eugene: Are we talking drop buckets of water on people from doorways, wrap their toilet with cling wrap kind of pranks? Because I can’t see the Major being OK with that kind of resource waste.
Jack: No no no, classic radio call in type pranks! All the great Djs did it! I’ve got this list of Zombie related questions for Maxine and I am going to slip in some funny ones and see how she reacts!
Eugene: I can see this going so well….
Jack: You’re just jealous that I thought of it first.
Eugene: Jealous, yep that’s me…
Jack: Aaaaand we’re back with the lovely as always Dr. Maxine Myers, here to answer your most burning Zombie questions.
Maxine: Thank you Jack, I am by no means an expert on the zoms but I do have some theories on the post mortem body that I have formed from the files we found and observations of those who have been bitten.
Jack: Question One: Do Zombies chew and swallow people, or do they just bite and tear?
Maxine: I’m not sure what you mean, what is the difference between chewing and biting?
Jack: Oh you know, biting and tearing into it, like the Cookie Monster, he never actually ate any cookies, just made a big mess and let it all dribble out of his mouth.
Maxine: … Well it would be difficult to conclude from the evidence we have seen through our cams and the mission debriefings from our runners. We are usually more concerned with getting away than seeing if the zoms - - -
Jack: Follow up Question! If Zombies do chew and swallow their food, do they also have to, you know, use the little boys room? Or girls, no offense.
Maxine: Again, I’m not sure how we would be able to pursue this line of inquiry without up close examination of the live zoms, which frankly I am not volunteering to do anytime soon. We know their motor skills are still working, so it wouldn’t be that far of a leap to assume they have other internal functions. Do you have any questions that don’t have to do with Zombie eating habits?
Jack: Right! Sure. Let me see here. Ah, do Zombies freeze during the winter, and if so would they die permanently or come back to life in the Spring?
Maxine: Excellent question, one that I have been curious about for some time. I believe the virus that reanimates the zoms could be slowed through exposure to extreme temperatures. There were cases pre-outbreak of Rabies being cured by inducing the patient in a medical coma in order to slow the spread of the infection, and give the immune system enough time to fight the virus. If only we could get in a clean lab, we could attempt to replicate the experiment with those freshly exposed to the virus.
Jack: So no frozen Zombies like in Game of Thrones, you know white walkers?
Maxine: … Do you have any additional questions?
Jack: Here’s a listener question, very important I might add. Can Zombies dance, and if so, can they do the Thriller?
Maxine: Well Jack that is an interesting thought. First you would have to determine if their bodies, and specifically shoulder joints would be too decomposed to lift their arms in a circular fashion. We know they are able to hear in some form, they respond to noise makers, so the music of Michael Jackson may have some effect. The only way to truly know would be to lure a group of Zombies from diverse backgrounds into a fenced in area and play Thriller on repeat until we see movement. We would probably need a live human volunteer to demonstrate the motions until they caught on. I would imagine you know the choreography, correct?
Eugene: That. Was. Hilarious. You should have seen YOUR FACE. Oh man I would say that Maxine Myers pranked you.
Jack: I will have you know that I was just playing along Eugene
Eugene: Oh sure, definitely. So you just went pale and started stammering reasons why you wouldn’t be a good candidate to teach the zombies how to dance just because you were committed to the joke.
Jack: Oh just play a song