Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“You stupid fucker. You brought this on yourself,” said Strike to the ugly fish while filling a margarine tub with water. After he finished putting fish and peas in the tub, he just stood there watching the fish suffer in this self-inflicted state.

Then, he turned on himself.

“You stupid fucker. You arrogant old sod. You missed an opportunity to say anything in Barrows, you missed a chance in Masham, you missed a chance in this very office, you made a mess after Ritz and never tried to explain yourself, you stayed silent in The Marine Hotel in Whitstable, you said nothing while being in the hospital bed, you didn't elaborate on Charlotte's suicide letter... And now you said it, you stupid… What were you thinking? You better get used to suffering in silence from now on… if she ever decides to come here and work with you, if she ever decides to talk to you again.” He took a deep breath. “Oh God, please don’t let this be the end of everything, please don’t let her decide to leave the agency and put quits to our friendship…”

Muttering to himself he didn’t hear someone opening the door in the street and getting up the stairs. Robin was standing at the open door of the office, stunned.

“I wouldn’t peg you for religious type” murmured she, trying to add some lightness to her wavering voice.

He turned so fast, he almost knocked down the margarine tub with the fish. He looked at her, her face anxious, but open…

“What are you doing here?” he said more harshly than he meant to do.

“Oh… I could go if you don’t want me here…” she said, feeling dejected right away.

“No! I meant I didn’t expect to see you,” he said lamely.

“You expected someone else?” Now, she was really regretting coming here tonight, stepping back a bit.

“No!” he put his hands up, trying to placate her. “I feel like we are not speaking the same language.” he said tiredly.

They stayed silent for a while, looking at each other. The office was dimly lit only by the lamp on the table in the outer office. They both went back to this game of trying to read each other’s face. He seemed resigned, and she looked scared, but determined.

“Can we talk?” asked Robin. She sat on the edge of the sofa and he on the chair she used to occupy when she first came to his office – both aware of the mirror image of them sitting in this same place a few years ago minus the whiskey and blackening eyes. At the same moment they said:

“I am sorry…”

“I am so, so sorry…”

Surprised, they talked in unison again:

“You didn’t do anything to be sorry about…” he said, his voice full of self-loathing.

“You are sorry about what exactly?” she wondered. He finally clearly said what he felt, she hoped he was telling the truth and not backtracking on his words now.

She saw him closing off for a moment, and she decided to be the one to push things further.

“I like to believe we have had some great moments of clarity and understanding since we met. We once agreed that we need to be honest with each other, and that we have to try this talking thing… but somehow, we ended up here – assuming, lying by omission, miscommunicating… again.”

He came back from his stupor. Earlier this evening he lost all hope but now he felt he must do better, to try to save at least their friendship if she wouldn’t agree to be more to them.

“I am sorry for dumping all my feelings and frustration on you earlier” he started. “I don’t want to hurt you by saying my piece, but I am going to… probably. I tried to fight it, I know that doesn’t sound nice, like… I had these feelings for you and I didn’t want to have them, but you accidentally coming here to work, that single event changed my life, for better of course, and we forged this, at start, tentative friendship, and then I fucked up by not noticing how much I care for you, and then I ignored it and kept it hidden, hoping it would pass, and then it was too late, and I was too deep. I really wanted to forget it because I was sure you didn’t care about me that way, and by saying anything I could fuck up the agency, and our friendship…”

He was a babbling mess now, he was aware, but he just needed everything out in the open, and she was looking at him, her expression unreadable, not even trying to stop him, to help him out of his mess. So, he continued.

“I know this was not the right moment to corner you and I didn’t really choose my words… just blurted everything. But… I was sure I wouldn’t get another chance, and I had to let you know. Still, I knew it was selfish to dump it all on you on your way to…” he was unwilling to name his nemesis “… to him. And you said you didn’t believe me, and then I made a fool of myself, again, by trying to…" he finished lamely. 

He could not finish this sentence, because he knew he almost made the same mistake he made in front of the Ritz, this time making it even worse since she was in a relationship with someone.

“OK.” She said calmly even if she was not feeling calm. “Did you mean it?”

“Of course, I bloody meant it!”

“Are you sure that you are not doing this only because you think I would leave the agency, or I would stop being your friend? If those are the reasons, I assure you that won’t happen, and we can continue as we were. No harm done. I won’t hold it against you. You know this job means to me as much as it means to you.” Even more now, she thought. Again, just like after my divorce, I don’t have anything but this job.

“I am sure. I know how much our agency means to you, and I am sorry if you thought that I acted as I did believe you would quit because you are getting married…” he choked out last words. “Not my finest moment, I’m afraid…” Fuck, he thought. She doesn’t want us to be more than friends and business partners.

She saw him overthinking, hurt visible on his face.

“Stop it! Let’s try to talk without overthinking every word and our minds automatically going to the worst-case scenario. Honesty… remember? I am first to admit that I did that overthinking thing, too… So, let’s not go there. We were both at our lowest… lately.”

“OK,” said Strike, gulping visibly.

“I see what you meant about me being hurt by your admission that you fought against your feelings. And I don’t like it… if you weren’t doing that, we might not be in this predicament. But I am not going to go all Elizabeth Bennet on you. I understand what you meant. This job means everything to me, and I understand that it could all go to hell if we don’t get along. But I am invested, I am all in - in this agency, in our friendship… and into you, too.” She dropped her eyes on her wriggling hands in her lap. It was not ‘I love you too’ but still he thought and jumped from his chair and walked to her wanting to touch her, hug her, but the expression on her face made him change his mind and he sat on the other end of the sofa.

“But…?” he asked.

“I have my own share of hurt to do. I am not at my best too, while that is not justification, it is the truth. I should’ve found some help after the UHC case. I know that now, and Prudence helped me find a therapist, I am starting with therapy in a week. I am sorry. I know I didn’t have any right whatsoever, but since you are so cagey about your privacy, I often had to make some conclusions from the bits I hear about you from others, read from your phone on accident or read in papers lately… when Valentine told me you knocked Charlotte around, that you never really broke up with her and strung her around, that she killed herself after the things you said to her… I knew that things he said were not true. He said vile things, and he believed them too, and even if I consider you my best friend… at that moment I realized how little I actually know about you. I know a lot of things that make me conclude some, but you yourself said to me so little, that I caught myself inducing things about you based on crumbs I heard by chance, accidentally eavesdropping, or in this case interviewing someone who obviously hated you… so I called Ilsa to ask her and told her that I cannot work with you if you hurt Charlotte… She was so appalled on your behalf, and I was so ashamed of myself… for thinking that of you, if only for a second… but with the way you treated your girlfriends, stories about you in newspapers lately, with Kim’s crude behaviour like you and her… and her mentioning she met another of your ex for whom I didn’t even know… I just realized I don’t know anything really. I just assume a lot… and no matter my feelings for you, I wouldn’t let myself be treated like Lorelei, or Elin, or Madeline... it wouldn’t be worth it.”

Finally, she raised her eyes and saw shock and hurt on his face. “I am sorry I doubted even for a second,” said she after a short break. “That was really uncalled for. And earlier this evening I just automatically concluded that was your convoluted way of tying me to the agency. I couldn’t believe, after all these gorgeous women who tried to keep you and couldn’t, you wanted something serious with me. I am sorry.”

She has such a low opinion of me?! And whose fault is that you twat!

“No, I understand. I don’t like that you had such a bad opinion of me, but I guess, I never really give you any glimpse of my private life. It is not like there is something extraordinary to see, really… I am only trying to stay afloat, in every aspect of my life, I guess. After Charlotte, I decided that relationships are not for me. I tied love with passion, anger, and fights… and I was emotionally drained. You were the only light in my life… and I wanted you in my life in any capacity, so I couldn’t afford to fuck it up – to get into relationship that I thought would resemble the one I had with Charlotte, then crumble and left me reeling again.”

Robin opened her mouth to interrupt him, but he stopped her by holding out his hand.

“I know you are not Charlotte. You said you had no right… I had inappropriate thoughts that I didn’t have any right to have on more than one occasion… After Barrows, when I saw you with the ring again, I felt betrayed even if I didn’t have any right to be, in Masham I wanted to ask you to come with me, leave the party – again without any right to ask you to do that… You chose him over me even if me feeling that didn’t make any sense because I didn’t have any claim on you… and he treated you so poorly. I was so disappointed in you, again without any right to be…”

Robin again tried to say something, but he wouldn’t let her. He had to say his piece till the end.

“Lorelei was consequence – I know that is an awful thing to say, but I needed distraction, and I never once promised her real relationship – I know it sounds terrible, but I couldn’t return her feelings. After Charlotte, I promised myself, I would never tell a woman I love her if I couldn’t imagine my life with her” he said blushing and realizing he just told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. “After your divorce, Nick said you wouldn’t be single for long and asked me when I was planning to ask you out. I called him crazy – that would ruin everything good in my life and for what? Like you would want to go out with an old, grumpy, crippled sod who didn’t have anything to offer you… the furthest I let myself go was to tell you, you are my best friend… and then after the Ritz I was certain you don’t have any feelings for me.”

This surely needed an explanation, thought Robin, but Strike wouldn’t let her put any words in.

“I am so sorry for that. I scared you and made you feel uncomfortable… but alcohol cut my inhibitions and my resolve to keep you at the arm’s length. I crossed the line. But after that, you were kind and attentive and I got my hopes high again and was arrogant enough to believe you were my prize, waiting for me to get it if I chose so. I took you for granted and I am sorry. Then you hinted your cousin wanted to play matchmaker and hook you up with this Axeman and I was jealous and stupid, and I started a relationship with Madeline… and I really tried.”

Robin didn’t interrupt him now, this was his relationship she knew least about, so she let him go on.

“No matter how hard I tried I was just making a mess of things. Charlotte and Madeline knew each other, and Charlotte knew me very well, I didn’t have to tell her anything, but she knew you were the only woman in my life that was a constant presence… She was jealous of you, so she used the first chance to stir things between us. I know, you think how could she know… but she knows how to manipulate people. She was whispering in Madeline’s ear about you, too. All in hope that I would come back to her, but she saw… she saw how much I cared for you. I know that is a nasty thing to say about her, but she would use any trick in her book to get me hooked again. She just didn’t want to accept that we were over. When I was in hospital after Gus stabbed me, I thought we would get closer. I hoped you would visit me, we would talk, and I could hint about us – try to explain The Ritz, but Murphy asked you out. My worst side showed its face. I was hoping the date would go all kinds of wrong. Wardle told me about Murphy being an alcoholic, so I hoped he would fall off the wagon – that is how desperate I was. But you continued dating him, and I kept making stupid decisions, namely – Bijou. But what happened with her was too close to home, and after that I just stopped. I thought I would wait it out. I mean - he must make a mistake at one point, and you would dump him; but as you could see that didn’t pan out as I hoped. I underestimated your kindness and forgiveness that I liked so much when I was on the receiving end of it. I can only say how sorry I am, again.”

He looked at her, hoping to decipher her mood from her face, but she was looking at her hands in her lap, again. Silence dragged too long for his comfort, so he had to break it.

“Honesty… and talking thing?” he repeated her words, hoping to prompt her to say anything.

“Yeah,” she said. “I was making bad decisions too, but after you sacked me, I felt like Matthew was the only thing I left… and… I told you once that I decided to leave him right after our honeymoon… what I didn’t tell you was that I called you from my honeymoon… some woman answered your phone, thus crashing my hopes that you were waiting for me to call… and then Matthew was ill begging me not to leave him… I thought I could save our marriage when he stopped pestering me about finding some other job… I was so angry with myself for being jealous of Lorelei, she was really lovely.” She finished sadly.

She was jealous. That is good, isn’t it? thought Strike.

“About Ritz…” she started and saw his shoulders slumping. “I am sorry I made you feel bad, but I am not sorry for pulling back. We were a bit pissed, and I was afraid that you were going to regret it the next day, and I am not sure if I could stand it, you saying it was a mistake when you sobered up…”

Why didn’t you talk about what happened in front of Ritz with her earlier? Strike asked himself.

“Then I found out you were dating again, so I just assumed you moved on… even if I was not sure there was anything to move on from.” she finished.

Strike took a deep breath.

“Maybe you were right about The Ritz. At that moment I didn’t even admit to myself I had feelings for you. But I was not angry at you. I was angry at myself for losing control… that could have cost me dearly if you weren’t such a kind person. And afterwards, you kept quiet, I didn’t want to rock the boat. May I ask you what happened with Murphy? After what happened on the stairs, I wasn’t expecting you to come back.” asked Strike.

Robin closed her eyes, remembering Murphy’s face when she declined his offer of marriage, and her guilt because she was the reason he was sad at first, then resigned, and at the end angry.

“Murphy is a nice man, but he was expecting things I was not sure I could or wanted to give. Even when I told him I was not sure I wanted kids in the past, he would gloss over that, like he believed he would change my mind eventually. To tell you the truth, my trust in him was shaken after the stint he pulled off with drinking. He was not being honest when I asked him about it. And I did ask because I had my suspicions. He was incredibly angry, and we had a row… he later apologized, but that raised some red flags. He had some comments about us working together and jealous fits. I heard him saying some unsavoury things about you to my mother, undermining our job, and you know how my mother worries – I didn’t need more pressure from her… and then I stopped talking to him about our work because I didn’t want to make him angry… Shortly, it was like I was thrown back into my marriage with Matthew. More than a few times I thought how I really didn’t need that in my life. I was relieved when the purchase of the house fell through. Then again, when we weren’t exhausted by work, we were getting on fine. But I am not sure that was enough. This evening, I was adamant. I told him that I don’t want kids even if I am not sure about that one hundred percent. I told him that I am not sure if I want another marriage, and after many issues we had lately, mainly trust issues, I am not sure if we could make it long-term. He was angry, but he wouldn’t make a scene in the Ritz, so I made my excuses and left.”

Strike sat, deep in his thoughts, then asked:

“So, you decided to come to the office? I didn’t expect you to show up, and even if I were – I would expect you to be angry at me.”

“Well, I was. And then I walked that anger while going to the Ritz, and after everything with Ryan… I was just exhausted, really. Tired of hiding, tired of feeling dizzy with bombshells you were throwing without elaborating and then avoiding talking about them… I wanted to end that now.” she said resigned. “I couldn’t go on like this anymore. It is enough that our job was making me anxious, with the aftermath of the UHC case, and failed attacks in the last one. That I couldn’t control, but I could make you talk to me finally. I couldn’t stand being anxious every time I had to meet you. So, I decided to come here and hear you out. I hoped you wanted to talk, I mean you were more than eager to talk a few hours ago. I didn’t see lights in the office's window from the street, so I decided to go to your flat to check if you were there, and then I saw that the office’s door was open, the lamp on the table was on, and I heard you talking to yourself.”

“So, what do you want to do now?” asked Strike, searchingly looking at her face, trying to gauge in what direction this conversation is going to go. “I like to think that we are doing rather well with this talking thing?”

“I told you, I want to finish this, once and for all.”

“What?! We just agreed that this was going well!” he was shocked!

“I meant this game of hide and seek… You told some crazy things to me on the stairs this evening… and I told you that I didn’t believe you. The problem is you are my best friend, and I always admired your brains, your self-discipline, and I believed you – I believe you would always do the right things for the right reasons… And I am not sure what to do with the information you dropped on me a few hours ago. I was not sure if I could believe you, and that is crazy because, as your partner and friend I trust you with my life…”

“Yeah, then you can’t blame me for my silence all these years. It was always the same fight – what if we lose our agency and friendship over this… But I wouldn’t lie to you. This wasn’t about me wanting to get in your pants for a few months. We know each other for seven years, and even if I didn’t admit to myself, I was in love with you for half of it, maybe more… and there were moments when I thought I saw my emotions reflected in you, but I was scared and I would tell myself I was deluded to think you could even like me, not to mention love me or wanted to have a proper relationship with me.”

“You? Insecure? You could pull any woman you want!?” asked she, voice lighter, even teasing.

“Of course I was bloody insecure! With other women I didn’t have anything to lose, and with you, if I fuck up, I lose everything – my partner, my best friend, my… my Robin.”

“I am sorry for teasing, but you must see how that seemed to me… out of the blue, my taciturn, grumpy best friend and business partner who couldn’t keep a long-term relationship to save his life told me he loved me and proposed… you see what that did to me? I trust you implicitly… but those words were so at odds with everything I believed… I am sorry I said I don’t believe you. But the marriage proposal… really?”

“That is where you are wrong. Your best friend didn’t want to have a long-term relationship, till… I can’t say till now, because I wanted it for much longer.” he paused. “About my blurted marriage proposal… Even after this conversation you still underestimate my feelings for you, and my wish, like with the agency, to make it permanent. And, I thought, Robin is marrying kind… she would want to know that option is on… not to mention you were going to meet your ring bearing boyfriend… I had to let you know that there were other opportunities for you.”

“Robin wouldn’t want you to do anything that you don’t want to do… to offer anything that you don’t really want” said she, annoyed.

“Yes, but Robin still didn’t get that I would give her anything she wanted at this point,” he said seriously.

“That is not fair. I wouldn’t want to have that power over anyone, even if I cared for them and wouldn’t ever hurt them on purpose.”

“This is not about what I want to give to you. It is about what you want to have.”

They were both silent for a long time. And then Robin spoke:

“It is late.”

“It isn’t! Please, don’t make any haste decisions tonight, take your time Robin, don’t just dismiss this…”

“Wow, stop! I meant it is late… it is past midnight. I am knackered. We could continue this conversation tomorrow. Go for lunch, or to the pub in the evening.” she asked, feeling drained.

Strike panicked. I can’t wait tomorrow to see her again! What if she changes her mind tomorrow? 

“Stay.”

Robin looked at him, surprised.

“Cormoran, I am not sure that is a good idea. We talked, and I hope we are in a better place now than we were a few hours ago. We recognized that there were feelings involved on both sides. Let’s forget about the marriage proposal at this moment, leave it for another day. But I told you, I am a mess, I just ended a relationship that lasted almost two years. I am not ready to jump into a new one in the span of a few hours.”

“Nothing will happen, I promise. I will wait for you as long as you need. You will always be safe with me. Just… I am not ready to let you go… and it is late for the tube anyway… just stay.” he pleaded.

She looked at him. He was tired and anxious, but still hopeful, longing.

“OK.” she whispered.

He stood up and checked the fish. Gently, he took her hand, pulled her up on her feet, and after turning the lamp off and locking the office door, he slowly led her up into his flat.

Chapter Text

Robin was in his flat only on a few occasions. As always, the flat was immaculately clean. She stood in the middle of it, not sure what to do. Strike offered her a tea, but she declined. She was tired, her feet hurt in high heel shoes, and she wanted out of her dress. He offered her his T-shirt, clean towel and new toothbrush. She took her time in the bathroom, to calm herself and think a bit. When she came out, she found Strike setting his camp bed in the small living room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hm… setting my camp bed?” his brows high, unsure.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you are not going to break your back on that, we can share. I will be asleep in a minute anyway; I am that tired,” she dismissed his idea of trying to be a true gentleman.

She went to his bedroom, got under covers and as she said, she was asleep instantly. Shocked, he stood in the middle of the flat for a few minutes, and then did his evening routine, before making himself lie stiffly at the edge of the bed, trying to keep as far away from Robin, against wishes of his body. He couldn’t fall asleep. It was going to be a long night. Finally, exhausted, he fell asleep in the early hours of the morning.

To him, it looked like he closed his eyes only for a minute when he felt her move. He woke up, knowing she was awake too. Both thought about pretending to be asleep, but dismissed that idea… no more hiding, no more lying. She turned her body around to see him. He was lying on his back but then turned around and faced her. Heads on the pillows, they looked at each other. His eyes full of longing, and her face picture of content.

“Tell me something I don’t know… something you didn’t tell me because you thought you shouldn’t,” she whispered.

“I called you… while you were on your honeymoon,” said he, and she gasped, obviously surprised.

“What?”

“After we saw each other at your wedding, and you found out about Matthew’s stint with your phone… I thought you wouldn’t stay with him… I thought you would stay in Masham for a few days, start proceedings for the marriage annulment, sort out things with your family, and come back to London… and I waited for you to call… and when you didn’t… I called your landline in Masham… your father answered and told me, and I quote Of course she is on her honeymoon… It was then that I drank myself stupid and went out to distract myself… I know that is not an excuse…” he murmured.

One more consequence of our stupid decisions and miscommunication, thought Robin.

“Your turn…” he said.

“I started dating Ryan to fall out of love with you” she said. She dropped her gaze. “After I found out you were dating Madeline, I concluded you were definitely not interested in me, so when we solved the case I decided to accept his invitation.”

He slipped hand over his face. So much time lost.

“I should have…” he started and stopped.

“Yeah, you should have, but also, I should have… Men don’t have a monopoly on making the first move. We are always getting back to one thing - our agency, and our friendship… We both were afraid we could lose it if things didn't work out. And I guess we both managed to hide our feelings and intentions rather well.” she finished.

“Yes, but it was even more than that for me. I didn’t want to be that guy, that Matthew described, the one that would leer at you at the office. Throughout my childhood I saw more than one man treating my mother poorly and as an adult I would always try to show respect for any woman, not just you. I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable at your place of work… I didn’t know it then, but as I see it now… From the moment I laid my eyes on you, I didn’t stand a chance… I was just delaying the inevitable… The more time passed and the more I got to know you… I was getting deeper… and everything was fine, I thought I still had time…. Until I didn’t… I am sorry again for springing that all on you,” he said. “Not to mention that I was not sure what you felt. While we are sharing, I should tell you that I was not sure you would want to be with anyone right after your divorce, and I wanted to give you time… but in the back of my mind I always reproached myself, stopped myself from pursuing you, not only because of our friendship and common workplace, but… I am ten years older than you, I don’t have anything on my name and I have a disability that at times render me completely useless… I wouldn’t call myself life-partner material. I would never want to be a burden to anyone. My track record with relationships speaks volumes.”

Robin had to stop this pity party.

“OK. Stop right there, before you say more stupid things. First of all, I never felt threatened in your presence, and I am not lying. I overthought many things and I clearly remember an instance when I thought just about that - that you never made me feel scared or uncomfortable… While that was good work-wise, it annoyed me to no end because I thought that you didn’t see me as a woman at all… and with all the beautiful women who pursued you, I was not really surprised. And about insecurities… Matthew practically convinced me I should feel so lucky he gave me a time of day, I could hardly be surprised you wouldn’t want me in any other way. Now I know he was a prick, and I value myself more, but still I can’t compare with the models and socialites you used to date. Next, as you pointed out yesterday, sometimes I really don’t think we speak the same language. Just to illustrate... you mention your age, I think he believes I am too young and naive and weak; you say you don’t have anything to your name, I hear he thinks I am shallow and I want money, he doesn't know me at all; you talk about your leg, I hear he thinks I am superficial. I can’t give you hard evidence that you need, but I can assure you that I don’t see you as you see yourself. I can’t change our age, but I don’t mind it - it seems only you do. I could have pursued other better paying jobs, stayed with Mat, and lived a comfortable life with a house, car, kids and pet, but I believe it is more than obvious I didn't want that. I fought him to keep the job that I love… so the money thing - it is not true. About your leg… I am sorry that happened to you, but I didn't know you at the time you had both of it. It is just the part of you, or should I say it isn’t. That didn’t hinder your plans. Maybe you can not dance with the stars or run the London marathon, but many other two feet people couldn't do that either. You did what you could with the cards that were dealt and you did good. I would never try to change you. I need you to want to change yourself. After years of neglecting your health you finally wanted the change and you did it all. What more could be done? What more could I ask of you?” she finished, hoping she made some things clear.

After all this time, talking honestly… it showed to be the right thing. At least she felt like that.

“Again, where do we go from here?” asked Strike. “Are those fond feelings and respect that we have for each other enough? Do you think we can manage to separate private and work life? If we agree today or tomorrow that it is better to stay friends, do you think our business and friendship can survive?”

She looked at him sharply. “I told you I don’t want to be your friend. I mean I want to be your friend, but I want more. I hope you haven't changed your mind since last night…” she looked at him questioningly.

You looked at her as if she was crazy.

“Me? Changed my mind? As that is an option? So many hours in and you still don’t see it? If you changed your mind I would respect that. One word from you, and I would never mention this day again, I would cherish you as a friend and as a business partner… But if you left completely, it would be like someone reached and took my heart, throw it away and told me to keep living… So, that is a no. I didn’t change my mind. What I am not sure is how you want us to proceed.”

She had to think about this.

“Are you sure? I told you I am a mess. I am not sure I can enter another relationship at this moment. You said you could wait, but is that fair? You waited long enough already. Maybe you will find someone who is ready to be what you need them to be.”

Strike shook his head. “No, I told you I am sure.”

But Robin wouldn't have it. “I have to address some of my issues… I told you, with the whirlwind of the UHC case, I never addressed anxieties caused by going undercover for four months… Some things happened there that I didn’t tell you, that I wasn't comfortable telling you, or anyone… degradation, humiliation… You are respectful, but you can’t fathom how much more women have to work to gain respect of their peers. I should have gone back to therapy, Prudence warned me, but I didn't want to take time off of the case, I wanted it closed. When I came back, Ryan made me feel guilty for doing my job. I think he fuelled my mother’s worry too, and she made me feel guilty for making her worry… And with this latest case… I am sick of being considered the weak link as you said… It is hard work to overcome that, I am exhausted, always working to fulfill someone else’s expectations. I just want to stop for a moment and breathe. And no, I don’t want free time from the office… I want to work, but without the added pressure of making someone else feel better about themselves. Because, that is what I did. I was feeding Mat’s ego, I put Ryan’s needs and feelings before my own, I was weighing every word, walking on eggshells - trying not to make him feel like his ex wife did… Ah... and now I can see why you don’t want relationships, they are hard work, and I am tired. Maybe relationships are not for me.”

Strike thought about things she said, and said:

“I don’t think you are a weak link, I told you they would think you are a weak link, and you proved them wrong. But I have to ask you, do you think that a relationship is hard even if you are with the right person? I mean don’t get me wrong, but Matthew was a real twat, cheating bastard who didn’t appreciate you at all. And Ryan was a mess himself, I guess… you couldn’t resolve his issues, he had to face them himself… Did you have to do that in my presence… work hard?”

Robin surprised him by laughing.

“No. And I just remembered the conversation I had with Ilsa… I just found out you were dating Madeline, and Ilsa said she was sure that it wouldn’t last, because - in her words - no matter how much women like you, you start pissing them off in a few days… and then, she looked at me, thought about her words, and said she couldn’t see you pissing me off. And don't get me started, it is not that I was never angry at you, or annoyed by you, but I never thought that spending time with you was hard work. The things that were frustrating me the most were these unvoiced thoughts and misunderstandings.”

“I’m sorry I made you frustrated. It was not my intention,” he murmured. “I am scared now… because I am sure what I feel and what I want… but I can see your point and the longer we talk… I’m afraid you will conclude that this is not worth it. Too much hassle. And for what?” he finished sadly.

“Hey, don’t say that! I want this, I told you. I just think we should wait a bit. I want to give us a fair chance. I want this to work. Just, I’m afraid I will mess it up if I don’t address some of my issues. I want us to succeed. I want our first date to be my last first date. You have to believe me… I am not going anywhere. I just… would you wait for me… for a bit… for me to start therapy, to stand on my feet again, to stop looking over my shoulder… so that I can be what you need me to be for you… so that I can be enough…” she said with tears in her eyes.

“Please don’t cry. You are enough. I just need you to be you. I’m sorry if I upset you. Come on… let’s try to sleep again. Luckily it's the weekend, we can sleep in. We can talk more when we are well rested.” he tried to calm her.

They were lying down, together, turned towards each other. He reached out, and she put her hand in his. Exhausted, they were asleep in a few minutes.

Strike woke up the next morning with an uneasy feeling… the bed next to him was cold… Robin was nowhere to be seen. She said she was not going anywhere. Did she change her mind and left? She wouldn’t do that without telling me… would she? He listened for the sounds in his bathroom, but there was no one in the flat but him. He was just about to grab his phone and call her, when he heard footsteps and opening of his flat’s door. Robin came into the bedroom wearing only his T-shirt, feet bare, with her bag of tricks in her hand. She smiled and said:

“I woke up and realized I don’t have anything to wear, and I can’t wear my dress and heels again… then I remembered that I have some spare clothes in the office, for surveillance and in case of a bad weather, so I jumped in the office for a few minutes to retrieve it.”

He shamelessly checked her out from head to toes, smiled and dreamily said:

“Good morning. Feel free to use the bathroom. I will get out of bed and make us some tea if you want? Or we could go to the coffee shop down the street and have coffee and breakfast?”

Robin took a few seconds to think about it and said “Coffee shop it is. Let’s get out on the street and stretch our legs a bit.”

Half an hour later they were on the street walking next to each other, hands touching now and then, and then Robin put her hand around his upper arm and leaned a bit on him, and everything was right with the world.

After breakfast, Strike had to ask:

“What is going to be like on Monday? I must warn you Pat heard my word vomit on the stairs and told me off after. She promised she won’t gossip about us, and I believe her, but I can imagine her watching our every step from now on. And don’t forget that we work with bloody good detectives… they will twig what is going on fast.”

She smiled. “Ah, don’t be like that… Being in a relationship is not for the faint-hearted… If you can’t endure being teased a bit by our coworkers, who, I like to believe, are our friends to some extent… What are you going to do when I present you to my mother? Run for the hills?”

Eyes wide, Strike realized he completely forgot Ellacott’s clan… They were not his biggest fans.

“Should I be scared?” he asked with an ominous feeling in his gut.

“No… I had a conversation with my mother last time I saw her. I was so angry at her and Ryan for badmouthing our job and you, she wouldn’t dare to be rude. But we will come to that… I have yet to tell her I am single.”

Pang of pain shoots through Strike. I don’t want her to be single. I want her to be taken. By me.

Robin saw his face fall and grabbed his hand. “Technicaly I am single but not really. I am not going to announce it and run around trying to meet men to date. I am just going to use this time to try to get better, to become a better version of myself.”

“One can not improve on perfection,” said Strike and he was happy that made her smile.

“I am far from perfect, but I want to be better,” she added.

“You make me feel bad, you know… talking about getting better, when we both know who is the worst part of this equation… I know I am far from perfect, but I don’t have hangups about me, beyond the ones I told you. In connection with you, foremost our age difference, my nonconfomance in the terms what one should achieve and own at their forties, and of course my disability.  With those I struggled but you put my worries to some kind of ease, for now. And this is not sexism, but I am aware that women have it harder, and I understand your need. I just want to be there for you, not only to prevent you from meeting some younger and fitter rich bloke,” he tried to add some cheek to his voice even if he was serious, “but to support you, be there for you if you need me.” he added shyly.

“I will always need you.”

Few months later

They were sitting in The Flying Horse on the Friday evening, both engrossed in the case files. It was past working time, but they both wanted to finish reading these files and maybe bounce a few ideas before the evening was over, so they could have a free weekend. Only an avid observer would guess they were a couple. Touch of their calves under the table, absentminded touch of their fingers over their chips, even if eyes didn’t leave the files smile on their lips if they grab the same chip…

Nothing has changed and everything was different.

Robin started therapy, and Strike was there for her. Never pushing, never demanding, just being silent support. After half a dozen sessions she felt in a bit better place, and asked Strike on a date. He accepted and they started dating much to the delight of almost all their friends and family.

Pat was first to notice. After the proposal debacle, she kept quiet, but on the lookout for any disruption in the office routine. It never came. Robin and Strike kept their schedule as usual, no indication that anything changed. And then, a few weeks later Strike was already at the office when Robin got in, a bit later, and with determination in her steps went in to see him. Five minutes later they both got out of the office and said to Pat that they are going for a coffee. Robin was flushed and Strike was smug, so Pat knew what happened. Way to go girl! Others didn’t notice for some time, and Pat knew better than to tell them. They did notice Strike was less grumpy than usual, and Robin was more self confident and calmer than she used to be. All came into the open when Strike pushed the strand of her hair behind her ear during one staff meeting. Barclay, who was sharing some surveillance info, just stopped talking and everyone turned their eyes to see what caught his attention. After a few minutes of light teasing and congratulations Strike announced that the staff meeting will continue over drinks in the premises of The Flying Horse and that was it.

Nick and Ilsa were over the moon for them, and since the mission was accomplished, Ilsa backed off and let them be. Still they kept their curry night dates once a month. Also, there was monthly standing-date for girls - evenings spent usually with Midge and Vanessa and occasionally other women in their circle including Pat, Prudence and Lucy. They would drink cocktails and gossip about their partners goodnaturedly. Nick and Strike kept their monthly pub outing, alone or with Wardle, Barclay and sometimes Al. Reluctantly, Strike would occasionally organize meetings with Rokeby who was delighted to meet Robin.

Lucy was trembling with anticipation when they went for dinner at her house for the first time. She was so happy and smiling so much that Strike had to ask himself if Lucy was in great pain. It must be painful to smile so much and so wide. But he didn’t say anything. He just let her have this. He knew how much she wished this for him, and how happy she was it was Robin. Robin was kind as always. She wasn’t even bothered with Greg’s inappropriate comments about work/private relationship ratio at the office. And Strike let slide Lucy’s comment Don’t you dare to fuck this relationship up. We will choose Robin over you. Strike just smiled and intertwined his fingers with Robin’s, while she leaned on him.

Prudence and Al were another story. She just hugged Robin and whispered in her ear I told you, you were the most important person in his life. The relationship was acknowledged but there was no more fuss about it. Strike loved the fact that Prudence reached out a few years ago and now they became a fixture in each other’s lives.

On Robin's side things were a bit different. At first Linda didn’t dare to comment anything after Robin told her she broke up with Ryan. She accepted it, hoping Robin would eventually tell her what went wrong. After the first few therapy sessions Robin decided to talk seriously with her mother, so she would stop being a source of anxiety in Robin's life. They were always close and she couldn’t stand the impasse that became their relationship. After long heart to heart Robin told her in brief terms about the conversation she had with Strike. Also, Robin told her to better brace herself, because the relationship between them was inevitable, it was just a matter of time now. When they visited Masham for the first time as a couple, Linda's behaviour was subdued, and other members of the family were delighted. Till the end of their visit Strike had Linda eating out of his palm. She saw the respect he had for Robin, his gentleness. She saw all these small things only women can notice, little touch here, loving look there, not one word out of place, only gentle and loving gestures… and she had to admit Robin chose right.

And Robin and Strike acted as if they didn’t know what this fuss was all about. They were happy they had so many friends and family supporting them, but they didn’t let other people pry into their relationship. They were happy to work together. The job was their common passion and they burnt for it, but their home, it was a peaceful harbour for both of them. When not out and about alone or with their friends and family, they spend time at Strike's small flat, enjoying small pleasures, cooking together, reading, watching TV, and, even if they tried to avoid it at the start, discussing current cases. Outside, almost nothing changed, Robin was passionate and kind as always, Strike communicated with soft grunts and few words as he used to do, but their interactions when they were alone were fundamentally changed. Both hated their past abusive and manipulative relationships, so they enjoyed the calmness of their own bond.

He liked her tendency to calm him with a hug, to cuddle with him in front of TV, and to listen to him attentively, but also to sit with him in comfortable silence. He was so happy when she asked him on a date. He was not sure how long he was going to wait for her, so he made a plan… on their first date he told her he wanted it all, he wanted them to date, to go out, to kiss goodnight in front of her building, he wanted to woo her. She was amused and said You want us to get to know each other better? Really? We have known each other for more than seven years and you want us to date like we are teenagers? But she let him woo her. She made him the happiest man alive when, one evening while cooking together in his small kitchen, she told him she loved him. He loved his independence and self-reliance, but knowing that Robin was waiting for him at the end of the day was everything.

She loved his bulk and his hugs, him playing with her hair while reading and being in a world of his own, his reason and his calmness when she was in over her head. She loved their talks and their silences. She was sure she had her last first date. She was worried at one moment when she practically moved into his flat and asked him what to do with her apartment, but he just gave an offhand comment Keep it. With this developer buying this building, the lease on this place will end, and probably won’t be extended. We will probably have to find a new office space and new place to live. If you like it, we could move there, or find a new place together if we realize your apartment doesn’t suit us. She expected he would dismiss it, or be too proud, and he saw it in her face. He just kissed her and said:

“I would go anywhere with you.”

Chapter Text

It was Tuesday, his 43rd birthday. Since Ilsa had insisted—and wouldn’t take no for an answer—on hosting a big birthday dinner for him the following evening, inviting all their closest friends, Robin had agreed to a quiet, intimate evening for just the two of them on the actual day. They wrapped up work by five, grabbed dinner and a few drinks at a pub, and then headed back to what was now their apartment—once Robin’s, now shared.

As he had expected, the lease on their office and his small attic flat was up and they couldn’t extend it. So, they found a new, slightly larger office in Soho to accommodate their growing business, and they moved into Robin’s place in Walthamstow. A few months in, they both agreed the space was too small and the commute too long. They found a new two-bedroom flat closer to Soho, one they’d chosen together, and planned to move at the end of the year. Robin had already sold her flat, the contract stipulating they had to vacate by December 31st.

Robin went to change into something more comfortable, leaving Strike alone in the living room. He sank into the sofa, looking around. Robin’s flat had become their home. In a month, it would be time to move again—but they’d picked this new place together.

They’d already moved some non-essential things: summer clothes, books, linens—stuff that could wait. What remained was the furniture, kitchenware, memorabilia, and the houseplants. Strike’s eyes fell on one in particular, the plant he’d given Robin when she first moved in. It was thriving, much like their relationship. He was delighted with the bond they created. No drama, no playing games… their relationship was something he always wanted but never thought he could have. Their love was so calm and unassuming – just two best friends evolving into something deeper.

With the turbulence of their pasts—both personal and professional—they’d craved stability. Life with Robin wasn’t boring; it was simple, peaceful. They enjoyed their time together, whether it was doing chores, cooking, slow dancing in the kitchen, or reading side by side on this very sofa. This sofa, as their bed, and their shower, and kitchen countertop… this place had witnessed it all. They had great memories here. He is going to miss this place, but they agreed about the move, and they will just have to make new memories in their new flat.

He closed his eyes thinking about the wonderful moments they shared since they got together. He might even fall asleep for a moment when he heard Robin returning. He opened his eyes, and as always, he marvelled at how she looked. She was wearing an old T-shirt and sweatpants, barefoot, her hair in a messy bun, no makeup, her face fresh and glowing. As much as he loved seeing her all dressed up, this version of Robin—stripped of everything artificial—was his favorite. She walked over, sat on his lap, kissed him, and nestled her face in his neck.

This is all I’ll ever need, he thought, holding her close.

Then, slowly, she pulled away from his embrace, settling on the floor at his feet, mischievous glint in her eyes, as if she were about to give him a birthday gift that could only be shared in private… Not sleepy anymore, eager to help her, he put his hand on the belt buckle, started spreading his tights to accommodate her, but she stopped his movements and smiled.

“I like how you think, but…” she teased, but her tone had shifted at the end, and he saw it then – her look is not mischievous anymore, she is nervous about something, and his brain is a bit dulled after a few pints and couldn’t quite process what was happening.

And then she pulled out a small box, and he knows what this is… his brain just shuts everything out, and he is so glad that he is sitting, because if he weren’t, his knees would buckle and he would be puddle on the floor. His Robin, his beautiful, brave Robin… He didn’t even think about this after his proposal train-wreck a few months ago. He just let himself, or better – let themselves, have this, enjoy their relationship without any pressure. Oh, how bad of a detective he was… he thought he would recognize if she would want something like this, but he thought it was too early, she wouldn’t want this so soon, after one failed marriage and two proposals she declined… She never showed any interest, or at least he didn’t notice… Oh, she is looking at him keenly… she sees he is lost in his thoughts, and she is waiting for him to come back to the moment, her eyes full of understanding, she whispers his name… his sweet Robin… And she sees he is here again, so she starts talking:

“Cormoran,” she began, her voice steady despite her nerves “you are my best friend… I almost died when we first met, you sent me to my death and you saved me, and meeting you was like a “kiss of life”, like you breathed new life in me. Unexpectedly you made my dream come true by letting me share this passion with you… Your utter respect for me, your support, your kindness made me fall in love with you… and I know we had our ups and downs, but I know you are it for me. You made my life better in every way, you stood by me, you taught me, you saw in me something no one else saw, you showed me respect I craved. We overcame so much… and, I am not some damsel in distress, I don’t want you to lead me, and I don’t want you to be led… I want to walk beside you, and you to walk beside me—together—through whatever adventures life brings us next… And, I would like to make this permanent. So, Cormoran Blue Strike, my best mate, will you marry me?”

She offers the box to him, opens it… and he realizes, at that very moment, that he never really thought about this… he somehow proposed twice but since he never actually bought the rings, he never thought about a ring he would wear. It never crossed his mind what it would look like, so he doesn’t know what should he expect to see… and there on the plush pillow lies the two - toned ring, one of those sleek, thick modern rings for man, black exterior, possibly titanium, or tungsten, he doesn’t know for sure, some carbide combination… but interior is rose-gold and the black base has visible rose-gold inlay in… like a little groove… shining like her hair, like a small strand of her hair was ensnared in the ring… and he can not rip his look away from it… he is aware that he still didn’t give her the answer, but he is so shocked by her boldness, that he can’t utter any words yet. And she is talking again, nervous because of his silence:

“… not sure if this is what you would choose… it’s just I couldn’t imagine you with a gold or silver ring… and this one seemed masculine enough… I hoped you would like it… we could change it if not… we never talked about what we would wear eventually…  and often you said you like my hair, and this rose gold…” she is babbling now, anxious, willing him to say something, and he finally break his stupor and silence her with a kiss, and when they parted, he whispers:

“Yes,” and he kisses her again, and then hugs her, and kisses her neck… between kisses whispering his love in her skin.

And then he notices she is crying, boldness long gone, and his heart breaks for her.

“Don’t cry… I am so sorry I kept you waiting, but I am such an idiot… I didn’t expect it. But you - my brave Robin - why am I so surprised? You jumped in front of a train, you ran into a killer’s house, you fenced off a serial killer, you brought the whole cult down, you took a chance on me… you chose me… my brave best friend… the bravest girl of them all.”

She clings to him, but he can feel she is still crying, overwhelmed, and he tries to get her out of her head: “Would you put it on my finger, please?”

And she breaks away, face tearstained, but a small smile on her lips, she takes the ring and slides it on his finger, looks at him, now shy. He looks at his hand, still in awe, the ring fits perfectly.

“It is wonderful, Robin, and it fits well,” the surprise was clear in his voice.

Then she whispered:

“Let me tell you a secret,” she is coy now, “I am a detective,” she murmured in his ear and she winked at him, happy. “I hope you like the ring… it was that, or that you wear clothes with I’M TAKEN in front and back. But how well known you became you might make a fashion trend out of it, so I was afraid it wouldn’t do, for surveillance… so I thought about a board around your neck… something, anything to repel all those women who want to get you,” she joked.

He laughs and then remembers they have to buy her some men repeller: “We must go to buy you a ring, too”, but she produces another box.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I bought two rings right away, just in case… I was optimistic, although you did almost make me second-guess myself” she teased, but he saw through it. “I hope you will like the one I chose for me too, and… would you put it on my finger?”

He opened the second box and there it was, a rose-gold band inlaid with speckles of some strange black stone all around.

The rings were not necessarily a set, but somehow, they matched, black and rose-gold combination. He put it on her finger, and she said:

“Those speckles are from some kind of meteorite stone… and it seemed fit, for me, for us, we collided when we met, so…” he didn’t let her finish but kissed her senseless… Leave it to Robin to make a connection, to find something so personal and meaningful – for him the colour of her hair, for her – their collision when they first met.

It is not over yet… They are going to make more memories in this flat after all.

Almost 24 hours later they stood outside Herbert’s house, hand in hand. They agreed to wait for someone to notice the rings. They didn’t have to wait too long.

“Oooooooh!” screamed Ilsa so loud that the dog four streets down lost its hearing.

The room erupted in cheers and applause, whoops and whistles, congratulations and best wishes.

“I am so happy for you, guys! Robin, you have to tell us all about how this happened!”

Strike grinned, looking at Robin, who smiled and winked at him before she said:

“Well… it started when he almost got me killed more than seven years ago… but long story short, I asked him to marry me.”