Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1

…For the Power of the Everloving Fuck!

No, no like that…

FUCK!!!

FUCKITTYFUCKINGFUCK!!!

…Screamed the lady Ye Bingchang…

Or she would have. If she wasn’t a fucking highborn lady in some fucking Imperial fantasy China alternate universe on crack. 

But as it was, highborn ladies in fantasy ancient China couldn’t even afford to produce the words of her favourite ‘polite’ meme…

For if Ye Bingchang were to utter something alike “Excuse me, my good bitch, but what seems to be the fuck?...”, Ye Bingchang – who was currently equated to the highest quality gem, a peerless beauty alike no other, the seeming epitome of female virtue and innocence…

Yeah.

That Ye Bingchang...

Would they even give her 5 minutes (or was it shichen…? Or incense sticks? Or whatever numbfuck ancient China unit out there that may or may not have existed in the first place?...) before dragging her off to the nearest temple for an exorcism?...

Not that they would be wrong, per say…

After all, Orig!Bingchang had vacated the premises. 

And even if she hadn’t…

Her demoness alter-ego wasn’t the epitome of innocent fair maiden either.

Oh fuck…

And to think that it all started so well….

***

Claire couldn’t exactly say she was planning a night out… but then again spontaneous is sometimes best…

And the times that it’s not is not talked about in public. Or at all. 

But to be fair, even the great nights weren’t always fit for polite company. 

Today however, she and her team needed to blow off some steam. And when she said ‘her team’ she was generalizing… God – forbid Morgan heard her. She would never live it down…

But that’s what they were ‘The Team’. Sans Morgan. As where ‘The Team’ was all A-level bitches, Morgan was in a league of her own. To be fair – the head of Procurement had to be. 

Didn’t help them in the slightest though…

Being the middle person between a rock and a hard place during the ‘Bitch Gotta Have My Money” conversation with every single supplier ever…
Adding insult to injury, just how many times had they had the ‘Oh Claire, if only you put in this much more effort, (and doubled quadrupled your unpaid overtime, learnt the skills of sucking up or just sucking, and got Morgan the long undeserved promotion to Department GM) then you could qualify for promotion…’?

…A million…

A million plus one finally broke the camel’s back. 

She was tired of forever waiting. 

So that morning her letter of resignation hit its intended audience. 

And she had to endure the ‘oh Claire, but you are such a valued member of the team… how about a 5K bonus for this financial year for our star employee…?’

Yeah. 

Nope. 

No thanks. 

The ‘5k bonus’ would have been nice 2 years ago when she had to get urgent surgery and her insurance didn’t cover all of it. That would have been nice. 

That ship has long-since sailed. 

So that’s how the night found them gals, minus Morgan, plus Patrick (never forget about Patrick… remember that one time…?) getting smashed in a private booth in an uppity nightclub. And it only devolved into chaos from there…

“I kiiiiissswed a giiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrlll and IIIIi Lovelikkkk… licked it….????? *HICCUP*”

“OHMYGOD! SOPHIE!!! You are soooo drunk!!!”

“NOOOOO…IMMMMNTTT”

“YESURRRRR!!!!”

“UUUUUUUUURRRRRRDRNKTOOOOOO”

“No I ain’t!”

“YYYEEESSSSUUUUURR”

“No I ain’t!

“CAN U BOTH JUST STOP! YOU ARE BOTH SHITFACED!!!”

“CLAIRE!!! UUUUUMEAN….”

“I am not mean. I am sensible. Someone will need to be the responsible one and get us all into Ubers by the end of the night!”

“USOOOBER!”

“I am not sober. It takes much more than two bottles of wine and some tequila shots to get me plastered. Unlike some people I know…”

“We can call our own Ubers!”

“Yeah? Like last time when we got Grab on a motorcycle and only by Lord’s Mercy didn’t fall off and die?!”

“That was overseas! It doesn’t count!”

“It was a fucking work trip! I had to cover all our shitfaced asses in front of Morgan the next morning!”

“WEEEMIIISSUUUUU!!!”

“Oh my glorious bitches! I miss you too!”

“DON’TLEAVEUS!!!”

“If I stay another week, there will be a homicide in this company.”

“WEEWILLLCOVERFOOOORUUUU!!!!”

“No one will ever find out!”

“Well will help you hide the body!”

And as they were laughing, drunkenly stumbling out of the packed nightclub that had suddenly lost its appeal as the DJ transitioned from 2000's party to some weird stoner-techno music, that all jokes aside, that soon enough, they will not even have a body to hide. 

But who knew that taking drunk selfies on a bridge could be the last thing someone might ever do in their life?

Then again – Claire was usually smart enough to not nominate herself for a premature Darwin’s award by getting on the railing. Usually. 

Not this time.

Apparently, today was THE DAY.

‘NO RAGRETS”

Unfortunately. 

***

At first came denial. After all, Claire’s extent of knowledge of Chinese, modern Chinese, at that, started and ended with ’ni hau’ – how could she suddenly be fluent in a language she never learnt? How did the illegible scribbles suddenly make sense to her? 

And why did these ‘scribbles’ suddenly look like modern Mandarin? Hadn’t the language changed like a lot…? She totally watched a video about that on TikTok…

So she must be in a coma and her brain is showing her some ‘fun’ hallucinations of some Asian drama she watched at some point. A shit one with a pretty crap ending that killed off all the interesting characters but still…. At least some entertainment. In a coma. That’s basically VIP service. 

So she tried to be positive. 

Initially. 

While quietly panicking inside on how much life-support can be squeezed out of her health insurance. And what kind of astronomical bill she will facing once she wakes up… But the longer she stayed ‘asleep’, the longer she had to (or tried to) act as the timid mouse Orig!Bingchang was portraying herself to be, the more doubts she began to have. First up – why this miserable drama out of all the things out there?... While not being the worst thing she had ever watched but definitely not on the re-watch list.

Where the main female lead so delusional and toxic in her own self-righteousness, it hurt to watch? It would have been truly ironic had the time-travel laws been the same as the Harry Potter Universe, especially considering the hints that Ye Xiwu was Li Susu’s previous incarnation. It would have been hilarious had Li Susu’s efforts amounted to absolutely nothing at the end, and everything she did just blew up in her face? Not that it didn’t turn out that way anyway, but still… 

But never mind that.

At least her persona is safe. As literally the only character to get a 'happy' ending. 

Getting back together with the deadbeat ex and all that...

A dream come true. 

Really.

Think positive. It could have always been a Villain-special Shen Qingqiu-epic-fail-level 100 kind of ending.

And she likes her limbs exactly where they are, thank you very much. She is very attached. Pun fully intended.

But still...

If this is the ultimate Isekai experience - can she get a refund?

Or at least leave a scathing 1-star review on Yelp?

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

Newly-minted Ye Bingchang had no idea how to wear this. 

Look.

She wasn't slow. Or mentally challenged. 

And she watched enough k-dramas to know that ancient Asia people had some weird silk-to-layer-number fetish. Especially the rich people. The more the merrier apparently.

Not that it helped her now. 

No bra or underwear. Not even a corset. At least that thing she actually knew how to wear from her days back in school performing arts classes. And a teacher that wanted 'authentic' from her victims students.

And god only knows what she is to do during her period. Surely its still a couple of thousand years before the first tampon. Or any kind of birth control besides 'pulling out'.

But never mind all that. 

Back to the task at hand.

Anything to postpone the realisation that death had noped out. 

And she had absolutely no memories from the original Bingchan. 

Zero. 

None.

Zilch.

She didn't recognise her face in the murky bronze disk simulating a proper mirror - she could still be dead wrong. Honestly - she hoped she was. 

But nothing gives you a reality check better than death. 

One moment she was doing cliché yoga poses on a bridge railing (smart - I know) and the next moment she was this.

And no she refuses to acknowledge remembering losing her balance. Or the fall. Or hitting the water. And - yes, in case anyone is wondering, it does feel like concrete. Then pain. Something that she suspects was ruptured organs keeping her aware and awake. Keeping her consious. Like the nightmare you cannot wake up from. The water entering her nose, her ears... her mouth. Realising that she cannot move! And finally - after what felt like an eternity of absolute agony and helpless suffocation - darkness. 

She finally ceased to exist. 

Until she woke up. 

In another's bed. 

In another's body.

With a young girl in a plain but clean sari? Bath robe? Kimono? Something along those lines. Fussing around her and pleading and pestering and not understanding that Claire was dead.

***

So...

Apparently...

This escape room has absolutely no customer service.

Otherwise she would refund her new sister. Or put her up for adoption. Or something...

Look - she knows the universe gives you lemonade when you ask for apples and have a citrus allergy. This girl knows the drill. 

Take a chill pill in the comments section. 

But when she was five and nagged her very much single, newly and very happily divorced mother for a younger sister - she didn't mean this! She meant metaphorically! Totally! In a 'brother from another mother, sister from another mister' kind of way! And even if she didn't?! 

So what???

She was five!

Now she is stuck with this bitch.

The 'oh BingBing this dress brings out your tan so well! Surely you can now find a suitor worthy of your station.'

Firstly - who the fuck even is BingBing??? Some yappy pet chuahua??? Is this girl for real???

And secondly - if this somehow even remotely sounds like a compliment do remember - even in the 21st century wealthy Asians pulled a Michael Jackson to bleach themselves. A tan in the Chinese dark ages on a noble woman...?

The scandal.

The shame.

Her family might as well send her on her merry way to become a third wife to some no-name farmer!

And to be frank - she spent like an hour picking it out! A nice floral pastel pink. Completely normal and mundane. Giglry-girly. Sweety-sweet. Innocent, doe-eyed victim of a serial killer proper young lady. Embroidered with some cherry blossoms on the sleeves.

It certainly did not make her look tanned. 

That's it.

This is war.

***

After a week of waiting...

After a week of watching...

Her verdict is final.

Whether Li Susu or Ye Xiwu - no amount of marriage counselling could fix this.

Although...

Maybe this girl is good in bed...?

Surely?

One of those bitchy cheerleader types that do a 180 when faced with their boyfriends...?

But no.

No chance. 

No way. 

Hell will first freeze over. 

And maybe it will.

After all - its future boss was apparently being a weird gremlin up in their attic or something. Maybe he could put in a divine word. Because - nepotism.

And for all that she learnt the hard way not to give beggars money after her young and impressionable self watched a bloke she felt bad for and supposedly 'helped' feed his starving family make an immediate beeline for the nearest kiosk to buy some smokes... 

Like c'mon.

Fat chance anyone was ever pulling one over her again. 

Those 20 bucks were hard-earned with child labour!

Dude! Have some decorum!

Or shame!

But either way - after that she turned into one of those people.. 

The ones who say 'get a job'. Or just pretend to be deaf or something. 

But in this case she can't just be deaf and blind! And yes the poor guy wasn't a child and was apparently a budding Devil incarnate - but still! New little sis - WTF???!!!

Don't like new hubby - a dark age women's first divorce attorney is your new best friend. Some poison in his rice or something  - and BAM. Newly minted Black Widow. 

With the reality on death rate stats in pre-antibiotic and healthcare humanity - no one would even bat an eye.

If he wasn't the literal Ancient China Antichrist...

Not that Xiwu knew that titbit of information. 

But either way - meaningless torture unless you are an aspiring BDSM mistress is a sign. A sign you should be on some serious meds. And hopefully on a watchlist.

Like yesterday.

Not that anyone in this psycho family would listen. 

Or agree.

Cauz darling baby Ye Xiwu apparently farts rainbows and the sun shines out of her arse.

 
Bitch please. 

She knows a fake and nasty silicon barbie when she sees one. Only real difference is this one's boobs are the real deal. And she wasn't a blonde.

But seriously - the revenge plan is out the window. 

New little sis is near untouchable. The only thing protecting Orig!Bingchang from cosplaying Cinderella was her flawless reputation and Prince Lin's interest.

Although the last one was up for debate. 

Arguably - it was making things worse.

From having her rooms broken into and her wardrobe ransacked. To snide remarks to put her down at the dinner table.

And here she was worried someone will call her out and call the local equivalent of an exorcist...

Fat chance. 

Not when her first family meal turned into trying to quietly munch down on as much food as possible using chopsticks (thank god for her sushi addiction) while listening to endless praises from 'Father' and 'Grandmother' on anything and everything concerning Ye Xiwu. Starting with her sense of style and ending with her 'adorable wit'.

Because apparently telling your sister 'Oh BingBing, you ate so much this morning - it's a wonder... if your virtue wasn't so upheld to the highest esteem... oh I mustn't say.' is cute and considerate. 

And only deserves a 'Bingchang, you truly must control your appetite! what has gotten into you this morning!' as a response.

Hunger, old hag.

Hunger.

So now - one ravenous first Miss Ye had to resort to sneaking into the kitchens at night. 

Ignoring the fact that she has a dedicated maid. Her decision is probably dumb and all that. Paranoia at it's finest. After all - who knows who the girl reports to. Or what 'fun' hallucinogenics specifically Ye Bingchang's food can be laced with. After all - Orig!Bingchang disappeared into the ether for a reason. And Claire had absolutely no desire to find out what it was. Or to follow in her footsteps.

But luckily - her rooms were near enough. And even if she was caught? So what? it's not like it's not allowed. In one's own house. If anything - she now has an excuse!

Not that she ever expected to have to use it.

But - Murphy's Law. 

Because in an Ancient Chinese equivalent of munching from the fridge at 3am was when she first ran into the Hostage Prince. Then again - they always say make the first impression count. Running into the poor guy in the dark and literally knocking heads is apparently an option in some alternate universe. 

Figures - that when luck was given out to the both of them, Fortuna was obviously sleeping on the job.