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He felt tears gathering in his eyes. A sharp pain imploding and exploding in his chest at the same time, preventing his lungs from taking in air and forcing his thoughts into a dull repetitive mantra of “breath, breath”.
But there was something important happening. He was sure of it. There was a fight? A battle? Something happening and he needed to help! To save! To ….
They always tell you that you would feel it if something happened to the ones you love. A sudden feeling of uneasiness, a shiver running down your spine, dread pooling in your stomach. Who first thought that that should be the standard?! A magical feeling you get as a warning for bad news to come. Because there was no such thing, maybe if you were part banshee or a full on magic user but regular humans or slightly unhuman creatures no such thing. Even though people claim it has happened to them, it is a lie, in best case for one’s own comfort in the worst to make oneself feel important.
Derek knew this, because the first time he lost people there was no weird feeling beforehand. He had been happily playing with the dogs in the shelter laughing at something Laura had said to him when the deputy found them and told them about the fire. He hadn’t even felt anything afterwards, after the look on Laura’s face when they realized that there was no lie to be heard, there was a black hole in his chest swallowing everything making him feel hollow and full at the same time and drowning out his surroundings. He had asked her shortly after their move to New York if something in him was wrong, how could he not have felt his whole family dying, how could he have not sensed that something was wrong with Kate, what kind of abomination he must be to not have felt a thing. Laura had hugged him with wet eyes promising him that she hadn’t felt it either, that he was not broken and absolutely no abomination, that somebody bad using you was not your fault and it wasn’t going to change your soul or that you are good.
He tried to live by that and a year after the fire and living far away in New York he finally did the SATs and followed his sister into Columbia. He had still felt like he was drifting and falling apart but he managed to get by. Keeping himself occupied by taking classes that sounded interesting instead of following a clear path.
He also didn’t feel anything the second time, when Laura died, alone, in the same house that had taken most of his family from him. Laura would go every 6 months to check up on Peter, asking if anything had changed and to meet up with their financial associate, an old friend of their father, to go over the property they owned and to make adjustments. Until then he had never gone with her preferring to stay in their apartment in Manhattan, but this time he promised to follow her after finishing his exams. After Laura had finished her Masters in architecture, she had secretly started to work on a design to rebuild the house in Beacon Hills. She had shown him her designs a week before leaving, telling him that she missed home and wanted to have a house to return to instead of an impersonal hotel room. So they had a long discussion and while they both agreed that they would continue to live in New York, the idea of being able to return someday did seem nice.
Derek had felt the shift of alphas this time, he had been in the car driving when he felt as if part of him was suddenly pulled away and just as quick snapped back in place like a rubber band. He shook it of blaming it on the stress of exams. It took him hours after finding Laura’s body to realize that that was what he had felt. After he had buried her in the backyard of a lost new beginning, promising that this time he wouldn’t run.
So he had stayed and fought, killing Peter was not as liberating as he thought and forced him to question if Laura would still say that he was good. So he decided to stay because he spilled too much blood to just leave and while he had given up on caring because what is the point if you only get pain and everything you are being told about it is a lie. He felt obligated to his family, there should be a Hale in Beacon Hills and since he killed the other remaining one it was his job to protect it now. Also someone should keep an eye on that kid Scott because being a lone wolf usually ended badly. Which brought him to his second dilemma because he also was a lone wolf. Making his own pack was easy, he tried to find the ones nobody would really care about because they had nothing to lose and how can you be sure that that one person hadn’t always been that strong if you never really paid attention towards them in the first place. He ignored the voice inside his head trying to tell him that this wasn’t right, that he made these kids false promises and now forced them to fight his war, because he already knew that he wasn’t better than Peter or Kate, he couldn’t be. So he tried to keep his emotions inside a box and justified his uncaringness with his obligation to keep them alive. Him caring for them wouldn’t keep anyone alive.
But these group of misfits still managed to break his shells, showing a belief in him he thought died with his sister. They didn’t trust him or really cared but they didn’t push him away either forcing him to accept them as part of his life. He knew a part of him would never return, he had buried that with Laura. His heart didn’t suddenly grow like the Grinch’s, however he wondered if Laura would be happy about his improvements now as she had been back in New York.
After he found Cora he felt like part of his identity had returned. She had grown and at first it was like meeting somebody that reminded you of a family member, though slowly his old imaged of her adapted and he felt himself opening up, that relaxed, easy feeling he used to have around family returning. Looking back now he tried to suppress Everything bad that also happened the returning of Peter the kidnapping that led him to Cora, that bitch Julia and how she had managed to make him feel like a stupid 16-year-old again, everything that had happened with the Argents. Shortly after the Alpha pack he had talked with Cora about it making him see that he cared deeply about these teenagers and that at some point they had started to care about him for some bizarre reason. And after the Nogitsune Scott came to him asking if he really didn’t want to be in his pack, which forced him to recognized that he wasn’t as alone as he thought because while surely there was no reason why Cora shouldn’t be part of the pack why would they want him.
So after years of being lost, Derek found himself with a makeshift pack and to his surprise a family when Stiles and Scott invited Cora and him to a Christmas dinner. Weeks of relative peace turned into months, from time to time something bad would appear but they would manage it and life continued.
He found Laura’s plans for the house in the middle of Cora’s senior year. He showed them to her and knew her answer just by the way her eyes lit up, so the construction workers started a week later.
Most of them went to college in California, even Jackson returned and most of them paired of in groups but they kept returning because most of them already knew what loss could feel like. Derek stayed for a year watching the house get finished. Skyping and sending pictures of the process.
During the housewarming party Stiles asked him if he ever thought about finishing college. He never really thought about when Stiles had turned from an annoying teenager, to a person he told his secrets, fears and dreams to, but being the two people who tended to be perpetually single had made them talk more and he found that they shared a lot of interest and the same humor.
So at the start of the next semester he followed Stiles, Lydia and Jackson and majored in History and American/European Folklore.
Stiles sometimes likes to pretend that their relationship had some epic build up, while in reality they lived together because they both hated living on their own, it was nice to have someone you could wake up when you had nightmares, who wasn’t annoyed or judging you, and Stiles other options were either dorms or Jackson and Lydia. This resulted in a lot of nights spend together either learning, cooking, watching TV, or just silently reading next to each other. It wasn’t until Cora pointed it out to him that he was kinda already in a relationship, and him denying it going on a couple of dates with various people, that he became consciously aware of his feelings. Partly because every flaw he could find in a person was usually what made them differ from Stiles and because Stiles would behave more distant and reserved every time he mentioned a date, also at some point the excuses he came up with why he never liked any of Stiles short lived romantic partners sounded even fake to him and he concluded that it wasn’t them he disliked but rather the idea of losing Stiles.
So after his final exam he felt so carefree that he just kissed Stiles right where he stood in front of the stove making a celebratory dinner. Nothing really changed after that. Scott, Allison, Isaac, Erica and Boyd returned to Beacon Hills living in the Hale mansion. Jackson followed Lydia who was offered a place on a research team at the MIT. Cora, Malia and Kira decided to travel around South-America. Derek asked Stiles if he was still interested in seeing more of the world and they travelled through Europe, Asia and Africa collecting Information on magical creatures, while Stiles learned to control his spark which wasn’t that big but “Size doesn’t matter, it is the technique that counts”, which was the phrase Stiles would say with an exagsterated eyebrow wiggle, just to annoy him.
They all retuned to Beacon Hills two years later. Happy to be together again, the feeling of having a family. John and Melissa had married before they left and together with Allison’s dad and Lydia’s mother functioned as some sort of parental figures for all of them and in return were considered pack.
A few packs had come to visit through the years interested in the new strong pack which consisted of so many different creatures and humans alike. Most of them would make peace and hold polite friendships, a few traditionalists muttered about the loss of traditions and one very no subtle threat to the Argents.
Stiles would go to the nemeton once a month and put a security spell over Beacon Hills carried back by Derek because he tended to put more than enough energy into it leaving him on the verge of passing out. The others would go patrolling the forest four in the mornings and four in the evening and they always had Lydia who liked that this new security setup kept her from feeling the need to scream every other week.
This is why the attack came as a surprise. Derek didn’t know how they could have possibly figured out when Stiles would return to the nemeton to refresh the magical protection, that it left him vulnerable and how they even managed to find it.
But they appeared out of nowhere shortly before Stiles could finish the spell. Fifteen of them against him. He gripped Stiles threw him over his shoulder and ran away. Stupid idea because he was talked from the right by one of them. Suddenly he was on the ground and the werewolf was above him. Where was Stiles? He couldn’t see him and was to occupied with the second werewolf advancing on him to focus his senses on Stiles. He needed to know where Stiles was.
The last thing he remembered was going into the last verse of the spell. Suddenly he was thrown over Derek’s shoulder something he usually liked because it tended to end in a hot make out session at least. But Derek knew that you should never interrupt a spell. He felt like a bag of wet sand having already giving up most of his energy for the spell. Looking up he saw people standing between the trees behind the nemeton? Why would there be -?
He hit the ground with his left side. Running with werewolves had made him tough when it came to getting hurt and a good grasp on his body’s limitations. There was at last two broken rips and a few nasty bruises down his left arm and around his hip and a laceration on his forehead, maybe a concussion. He tried to pull himself up because him lading on the ground meant that Derek was unable to catch him and Derek would always try everything to keep him from getting hurt.
Somebody lifted him abruptly from the ground and he could see Derek being clawed at by two werewolves. This was bad, the others wouldn’t expect them back for at least another 45 minutes.
“You killed my sister!” a blurry face appeared in front of him. He tried to look past him but this guy was strong and he continued to force him away from Derek and his head was starting to throb and he couldn’t see clearly.
“You killed my sister, I know you did and now you will pay for it!” The guy pushed him against the tree with such force that the back of his head connected forcefully with the tree. Suddenly there was a hand around his neck chocking him. He tried to raise his arms, but they felt as if they were made out of metal.
He needed to go help Derek, he couldn’t fight all of them. He needed Derek to know that of course wanted a family with him? Why hadn’t he said that this morning? Derek needed to know that Stiles already picked out the names for whatever pets they were going to get!
A howl abruptly ended all his thoughts, he knew that sound. Scott was coming for them. Scott would save Derek and could tell him all that because he had listened to Stiles pining all through their senior year of high school and through college. Derek would know and that was important because even though Derek was silent he required a lot of audible confirmation.
The howl was answered by multiple other people of his pack, which made his capture loosen his grip around his throat. Stiles tried to hit him put slightly missed the guys nose and punched him right under his eye. This only seemed to make him angrier as he returned his focus to Stiles. With the palm of his hand he pushed against the center of Stiles’ ribcage knocking his back against the tree and now put both hands against his throat.
He felt tears gathering in his eyes. A sharp pain imploding and exploding in his chest at the same time, preventing his lungs from taking in air and forcing his thoughts into a dull repetitive mantra of “breath, breath”.
But there was something important happening. He was sure of it. There was a fight? A battle? Something happening and he needed to help! To save! To ….
The others had come to their rescue. He still didn’t know where Stiles was and the two werewolves had torn up his torso pretty badly. All of a sudden the weight above him was gone and Boyed pulled him up, glancing at his chest and then moved to punch one of the enemies that had been tearing into his chest a second ago. Even though they were outnumbered the fight seemed to be balanced evenly.
He still couldn’t see Stiles only the impact from where he probably landed after they were attacked. He dodged a werewolf coming at him and pushed him against a tree knocking him out. Suddenly he smelled Stiles but the scent was colored with pain and panic. He ran trying to hear the heartbeat he knew by heart. But the fighting was too loud and he was too unfocused too lost in panic himself.
A couple of meters from the fight he saw Stiles pressed against a tree while some guy kept yelling at him. Stiles was completely still apparently only being held up by the hands around his neck. His fear and panic turned into anger and without a second thought he stepped behind the guy put his claws around his throat and ripped it out.
He pushed him out of the way and gathered Stiles into his arms, who was an unnatural shade of blue and still motionless.
“Stiles, open your eyes. Say something! Please come back. You can’t be gone.” He tried to hear Stiles’ heartbeat but could only hear his own frantic one and the sobs escaping him. Surely he would have felt it this time right?! He tried convincing himself. There must be truth to it. Stiles would never leave him. Had never left him.
“Derek, let go of him.” Somebody tried to pull him away, making him holding on tighter.
“Derek you need to let go” he was pushed away looking at Stiles over which Scott was now leaning holding a hand over his head, tears streaming down his face. Didn’t they understand that he needed to be with Stiles. He needed Stiles to wake up because he needed to feel something other than this, he could not have suddenly nothing. There needed to be something at least, Stiles deserved that somebody would feel his loss. The world should mourn instead of having a nice summer night.
Out of nowhere Erica appeared before him slapping him hard.
“Derek you need to calm down. We need to go to the hospital. His heart is still beating.”