Work Text:
A thin layer of frost from the early morning decorated the edges of the window Yeosang was standing in front of, his gaze lost in the world beyond the warmth of his childhood home. Leaves changing from green to orange and yellow and red, people wrapped up in thicker coats and wool hats and scarfs, protecting themselves from the autumn chill in the air.
Change. That was what fall represented. It was something Yeosang used to love, wearing warm sweaters, drinking hot apple cider, curling up next to the fireplace, using the light from the embers to read one of his comfort books.
But this year was different. The promise of change was no longer something beautiful or comforting to Yeosang. All it did was remind him of how everything in his life was going wrong.
Despite landing an agent and getting his first novel published before even graduating from college, Yeosang's second novel didn't have the same international success as his first, and it's clear his literary agent was losing faith in him. As a result, Yeosang was losing faith in himself, finding it difficult to even open a new doc and begin working on his next story.
Yeosang's gloomy mood took a toll on his relationship and his boyfriend didn't know how to handle it. He should have seen it coming. Dates being cancelled at the last minute. His boyfriend coming home late and sleeping on the couch instead of crawling into bed with Yeosang. Less affection in any way. Then Yeosang woke up one morning to a note from his boyfriend, saying he was done and was moving out within the week.
That was back just before summer began, and Yeosang has been living with his parents ever since, trying to move on with his life but finding it difficult. The only genuine joy Yeosang has felt in the last few months was when he was with San. Having decades of experience dealing with Yeosang's highs and lows, San knows how to be exactly what Yeosang needs.
San was the reason Yeosang was standing in front of the window so early in the morning. Yesterday, Yeosang had received a text telling him to pack a small suitcase and be ready bright and early the next morning, because San would be taking him on an adventure.
There had even been a photo attached to the message. San was wearing a brown jacket over a greyish brown knitted hoodie and black t-shirt, round wire-framed glasses and his face was free of any makeup. He looked positively soft and Yeosang couldn't help but smile at the photo, immediately saving it to his phone.
Yeosang didn't know what San had planned, and if it was anyone else, he would have said no. But this was San, his best friend since they were kids. Refusing him would take too much effort, and Yeosang didn't have that type of energy at the moment. He also couldn't deny that he was intrigued by what San meant by "adventure".
It turns out that Yeosang didn't have to wait in suspense for long. As the sun fought desperately to break through the morning fog and heavy clouds, a black van pulled up in front of Yeosang's house. Confused was the best word Yeosang could use to describe what he was feeling as he watched San hop out of the driver's seat, a pleased smile on his friend's lips.
Yeosang rushed for the front door, swinging it open before San even had a chance to knock.
"Since when did you have a van?" Yeosang asked, completely skipping over a proper greeting.
San chuckled. "Good morning to you too."
"Yes, good morning. Can you answer the question now?"
"I'm just renting it for right now, but if the next week is a success and we want to do it again, I'll consider buying my own."
"But what does the van have to do with this adventure you promised to take me on?"
"Come outside and I'll show you."
After slipping on some shoes, Yeosang followed after San, shutting the front door behind him. San practically skipped toward the van, opening the hatch at the back before stepping aside to let Yeosang have a proper view. Yeosang was left speechless.
Besides the driver and passenger seats up front, the entire back of the van was decorated with warm twinkle lights, soft and cozy looking blankets and pillows, and there was even a small cooler in the rear left corner that Yeosang could only assume held some type of refreshments. The space looked absolutely inviting and Yeosang could feel his gloomy mood dampen ever so slightly.
"Do you like it?" San asked, a nervous look in his eyes. How long had Yeosang been standing there without saying anything?
"It's incredibly charming, San. But what exactly is your plan?"
"I told you. I'm taking you on an adventure. Over the next week, you and I will be driving down the coast to enjoy the change of the season, reigniting your love for this time of year."
"Wait, the whole week?" Yeosang looked at the interior of the van and then back at San. "Are you telling me that you plan for both of us to sleep in here?"
"Of course. That's part of the adventure."
Yeosang's gaze fell to the pillows and blankets again, noting just how small the interior actually was.
"There's not a whole lot of room back there. Aren't you worried about being uncomfortable?"
"What are you talking about? There's plenty of room."
To prove his point, San hopped into the van, pulling Yeosang along with him. The blankets and pillows cushioned their fall, and Yeosang couldn't stop the sigh that escaped his lips. It was more comfortable than he had imagined. And despite his reservations, Yeosang found that San was right. There was plenty of room for both of them to sleep comfortably.
"Okay, okay. I get your point," Yeosang said as he sat up. "I guess you can take me on this adventure."
The smile that had been on San's face grew even wider, the dimples in his cheeks on full display. Quickly sitting up, San pressed a playful kiss against Yeosang's cheek before hopping out of the van and offering his hand to Yeosang.
"Then let's go."
Rolling his eyes, Yeosang took San's hand and let his friend help him out of the van. He didn't think about the way he could still feel San's lips on his cheek as he collected his suitcase from within his house, nor did he acknowledge how his breath had hitched slightly when San had leaned in for the kiss.
Those were the type of reactions someone had when they made physical contact with the person they had feelings for, and that couldn't be further from the truth for Yeosang. San kissed his cheek all the time. That was just who San was.
San was warm and kind and thoughtful, but he was simply Yeosang's best friend. Nothing more. And Yeosang definitely didn't want it to be more.
🍂🍂🍂
Aside from only having a week planned out for the trip, there was no real rush to a specific destination. The energy inside of the van was laid back, with the two men (mainly San) singing along to their favorite songs, commenting on the lives of their other friends, or simply enjoying the drive in silence.
No matter which direction they drove, San always made sure to take the scenic route. Yeosang was met with either colorful trees or soft waves crashing onto the shore whenever he'd look out his window. It was easy to forget his struggles when he was met with such peaceful scenery, which was clearly San's plan.
They didn't spend the whole week driving. Several times throughout the day, San would stop in whatever small town they were close to, allowing for the two men to stretch their legs and enjoy a warm meal. When they wished to relax for the rest of the evening, San would find the perfect spot to park the van, making sure that when Yeosang woke up in the morning, he would be met with a beautiful view.
It was touching, how attentive San was being toward Yeosang, filling him with a warmth he hadn't experienced in a long time. It made him feel safe, feel seen. All his fears and flaws held tight in San's arms, protected and cared for.
Yeosang had convinced himself that San's plan was working, that he was finally getting out of the somber mindset he had been stuck in for months. But as they were getting ready for bed on the fourth night, Yeosang's phone lit up with a notification and he made the mistake of checking it.
"Okay, another day has come and gone. I think we've–" San's words faded when he looked at Yeosang, finding that the light that had started to return to his eyes was disappearing. "Yeosang, what's wrong?"
Nothing, Yeosang wanted to say, but he knew that San wouldn't believe him. Clicking out of the message, Yeosang shut down his phone and tossed it into the front seat before getting comfortable in the makeshift bed he and San had been sleeping on.
"I just got an email from my literary agent. She told me that the publishers were getting impatient, having already pushed back the deadline date for the first draft I owe them. If I don't submit a draft by December, they'll drop me."
San reached out and grabbed onto Yeosang's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm so sorry. I knew you were under a lot of stress, but I didn't realize how much."
"It's not your fault, San. I haven't even told my parents how bad it is. I don't want to…"
Disappoint them. That's what Yeosang meant to say, but he didn't have the emotional strength to admit that. Not yet.
"It's only October," San pointed out. "Sure, a month and a half isn't an ideal timeline, but I'm positive you can send a draft by then. You're the best writer I know."
Yeosang gave San a half-hearted smile as he pulled his hand from San's grasp and rolled onto his side, his back now facing San. "I'm the only writer you know."
"That doesn't change the fact that you're amazing. If anyone can do it, it's you."
"You're putting your faith in the wrong person, San. I haven't written a single word in months." Yeosang's voice began to quiver as he struggled to maintain his emotions. "Whatever spark I had for writing, it's… it's gone. Without it, I'm–"
Heat radiated against Yeosang's backside as San laid down right behind him, wrapping a strong arm around his waist. Yeosang's breath hitched as he felt San's heart beating against his back, felt San's lips and nose brush against his hair.
"I know what you were about to say, Yeosang," San whispered, pulling Yeosang closer to him. "You're not nothing. You could never be nothing. And your spark for writing isn't gone, you've just misplaced it." A hand slowly cupped Yeosang's cheek, turning his head until he was facing San. While his own eyes glistened with tears, San worried about the ones streaming down Yeosang's cheeks, wiping them away with a gentle caress of his thumb. "We're going to find it again, Yeosang. Whether it's next week, next month, or next year. You're going to find your spark again. I promise."
Feeling overwhelmed, Yeosang rolled over to his other side, burying his face in the crook of San's neck, melting into the embrace. San held him as he cried, threading his fingers through Yeosang's hair under the soft glow of the twinkle lights. It was such a comforting gesture, one that San has done countless times over the years. So why did it suddenly feel different for Yeosang?
Too emotionally exhausted to think about it properly, Yeosang soon fell into a deep sleep. As the cool autumn breeze swirled outside the van, Yeosang remained tucked inside the warmth of his friend's arms, with no sign of San ever letting go.
🍂🍂🍂
"Look, Yeosang!" San squealed as he pointed to the small sign outside of the little café they were passing by. "They have strawberry cake!" Yeosang couldn't help but giggle at his friend's enthusiasm and allowed himself to be dragged toward the front door. "We can order a couple of slices to go and eat them tonight in the van."
"Why can't we just enjoy them inside the café like normal costumers?"
"Because the ambience is better in the van."
Yeosang wasn't sure San was right about that, but he chose to give in. Once inside the café, Yeosang realized that the establishment was part bookshop as well, with a few shelves set up in the back left corner of the café. As San approached the counter to order the slices of cake, Yeosang weaved his way through the dining area and walked straight for the bookshelves.
A bittersweet feeling weighed inside of Yeosang's chest as he perused the titles, his fingertips tracing over each spine. Would San be correct? Would Yeosang find his spark and finally write again? He wanted it to be true, he missed writing desperately.
The sound of footsteps startled Yeosang and he turned to find a teenage girl approaching the bookshelves, a book clutched in her arms. Yeosang recognized the book and when he looked at the girl, a shy smile was on her face.
"I hate to bother you, but you're Kang Yeosang, aren't you? The author?"
Yeosang nodded. "I am."
The girl's smile widened and she practically started bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Oh my gosh! This might be the best day of my life! I'm such a fan of yours!" The book in her hands was offered to Yeosang, along with a black sharpie. "If it's not too much trouble, would it be all right if I got your autograph?"
Yeosang felt the sting of tears behind his eyes, but he blinked them away before accepting the book. "It's no trouble at all. What's your name?"
"Eun Soo."
After penning out a message inside the book and signing it, Yeosang handed it back to Eun Soo. "There you go."
Eun Soo hugged the book like it was her most prized possession. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! This means the world to me. I can't wait for your next book."
Yeosang's smile faltered slightly as he thought of the lack of writing he's done. "I'm working on it. I hope it ends up being better than my last book."
Eun Soo looked at Yeosang in confusion. "What do you mean? Both of your books have been amazing."
"That's very kind of you to say, and it means a lot. But in this industry, if sales aren't high, especially international sales, then your work isn't seen as a success."
"Well, that's bullshit." Eun Soo blushed, slightly embarrassed for swearing. "Sorry. What I mean is that your work is amazing because you wrote it. If you're happy with the stories you create, who cares what anyone else thinks?"
A woman on the other side of the café called for Eun Soo, and with a quick wave goodbye, the teenager left Yeosang alone to contemplate her words. At least, he thought he was alone until he realized San was leaning against a bookshelf, a gentle smile tugging on his lips.
"She's not wrong, you know," San said as they both watched Eun Soo walk out of the café. "Your stories are amazing simply because you made the decision to bring them to life. Don't write for anyone else. Write for you."
It was then that Yeosang noticed San holding something behind his back.
"What do you have there?"
"A little something you might need in case inspiration finds you between now and when we arrive home tomorrow."
San revealed what he was hiding, and it made Yeosang want to cry. The notebook was small, but that wasn't important. It was the fact that San even thought to purchase it for Yeosang in the first place.
Their fingers brushed against each other as Yeosang took the notebook from San, and it was like the air had been sucked from his lungs. Meeting San's gaze, everything that Yeosang had been refusing to acknowledge came crashing down on him, and warmth began to flood his cheeks.
This was San. His best friend. Yet as Yeosang looked into his kind and warm and loving eyes, it was like Yeosang was seeing him clearly for the first time.
It had always been San. When Yeosang fell off his bike and scraped his knee when they were six, it was San who cleaned the blood and patched him up. When Yeosang had his first heartbreak, it was San who brought him his favorite snacks and stayed up late watching silly cat videos until he was laughing again. When he landed his literary agent back in college, San was the first person Yeosang told.
His joy, his comfort, his safety was San. A light fluttering danced inside of his chest as Yeosang finally realized the truth. He wasn't sure if these feelings were new or if they had always been there, but regardless of the timeline, the truth remained the same.
Yeosang was in love with San.
"Oh," Yeosang whispered, a new wave of tears threatening to break free.
"What?"
"Nothing, it's nothing. Thank you for the gift. It was really thoughtful."
San smiled as he gestured toward the door. "Shall we head back to the van and enjoy some cake?"
Yeosang nodded, following alongside San as they left the café. The van was already parked with the back end facing the shore, rays from the setting sun painting over the water in red and orange. The evening air was slightly cooler than previous nights, so San immediately closed the hatch once he and Yeosang climbed into the back of the van.
After getting comfortable, San took out the slices of cake and plastic forks from the paper bag and handed one set to Yeosang. They enjoyed their cakes in silence, mainly because Yeosang was too nervous to say anything. He was all too aware that he was about to sleep next to San.
It was fine before he had realized his feelings, but now? The idea of being able to feel San's body heat was driving Yeosang insane, which was ridiculous. They had slept together so many times over the years. Having feelings for his best friend shouldn't make a difference.
"Are you okay?" San asked, bringing Yeosang out of his mental crisis.
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. I'm fine."
Without a word, San reached up and brushed his thumb against the corner of Yeosang's mouth, causing the fluttering inside of Yeosang's chest to intensify.
San's eyes widened, as if he was surprised by his own actions. "You had a bit of cake there," he explained as he quickly looked away from Yeosang, busying himself with tossing the empty cake containers into the garbage bag in the front seat.
Yeosang wasn't sure if it was the soft glow of the twinkle lights, but he swore he saw a slight flush in San's cheeks. The sight emboldened him and when San began messing with the blankets, still refusing to meet Yeosang's gaze, Yeosang leaned in.
His movements were slow, giving San plenty of time to become aware of what he was doing. Their eyes met just before Yeosang closed the distance, pressing his lips against San's in a soft kiss. It was feather light and only lasted for a second.
When Yeosang leaned back, San's eyes were wide, his lips slightly parted in shock. Heat rose in Yeosang's cheeks and he covered his face in embarrassment.
"I'm sorry. Oh, god, I'm so sorry. Please, just forget I did that."
"F-forget? Why?"
Yeosang wanted to disappear. Covering his face wasn't enough. "You should have stopped me, San. Why didn't you stop me?"
Warmth wrapped around Yeosang's hands and they were pulled away from his face, leaving Yeosang no choice but to meet San's gaze. Surprise was still in his eyes, but there was something else as well. Something that looked a lot like hope.
"Answer honestly, Yeosang. Do you actually regret kissing me just now?"
After a few shaky breaths, Yeosang shook his head. "No. I don't. Now you answer my question. Why didn't you stop me?"
San dropped Yeosang's hands so that he could cup his cheeks instead, leaning forward until their noses touched.
"I didn't stop you because I didn't want to stop you. Kissing you, Yeosang… I've been dreaming of that for years, but I never thought… I was never certain that you felt the same way. If all you ever wanted from me was to be your friend, then I'd happily be that for you."
Yeosang's breathing was staggered as he traced his hands up San's chest, his fingers tangling up in the front of San's soft sweater. It wasn't nerves that altered his breathing this time, it was anticipation.
"And if I told you that I don't want you to only be my friend? What would you say to that?"
San didn't speak. He simply closed the small distance that still separated them, pressing their lips together again. Their movements were gentle as they melted into the embrace, their lips becoming familiar with each other in ways neither of them had thought possible.
And yet, it felt right. Being in San's arms this way, their lips and tongues exploring each other with no sense of urgency, felt like home to Yeosang. The only negative thing he felt about the situation was a feeling of annoyance toward himself for not realizing what his heart longed for sooner.
After several minutes - or was it hours? - San leaned away from Yeosang with a content sigh, his dimples on full display thanks to the smile on his face.
"I love you, Yeosang. So, so much."
A tear finally escaped down Yeosang's cheek, but he didn't mind. His heart was too full to think of anything else.
"I love you, too, San."
🍂🍂🍂
Yeosang was a little sad to be driving home the next morning. Sure, he was happy to return to his real bed and take a shower in a bathroom that wasn't shared with complete strangers, but he liked the freedom traveling with San had given him.
At the thought of San, Yeosang glanced over at the man in the driver's seat and a smile immediately tugged at his lips. San. His best friend. His boyfriend. His home.
Yeosang wasn't sure what the future had in store for him. He could very well be dropped from his literary agency. But the one thing he was certain of was that San would always be there. That was enough to brighten up his thoughts and he reached over to hold San's hand.
"I still can't believe I get to be able to do this," San said, lifting their intertwined hands so that he could press his lips against Yeosang's knuckles.
"Imagine what we'll get up to once we have access to a proper bed."
San's face turned crimson. "Don't say stuff like that to me, Yeosang. I'll be tempted to drive over the speed limit."
Yeosang chuckled as he leaned back in his seat, watching the scenery outside his window. There was no denying the happiness Yeosang felt as San drove them home. While listening to San hum along to the songs on his playlist, pictures began to form in Yeosang's mind, stringing together in a way he knew all too well.
It was surprising at first. He hadn't pictured a story like this in several months. And he definitely didn't want to lose it.
Letting go of San's hand, Yeosang reached into his bag and pulled out the notebook San had gifted him. Once he found a pen, he opened the notebook to the first page, full of empty space ready to be filled with words.
And finally, finally, Yeosang began to write.