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"Listen. Am I hallucinating or is Yeon Sieun smiling?" Namgyu blinks once, twice, but the image of his senior with a soft smile doesn't fade away. "He's been smiling the whole morning."
"Hm?" His other senior, Junho, doesn't bother to tear his eyes away from the monitor. "Oh, I guess it's the day." He mutters into his fist, eyes glued to the screen.
Right now, Sieun-sunbae is chatting with his coworker, who asked to help with her work. He points at the screen, probably explaining how to deal with the issue. The explanation seems to be effective and the colleague nods and bows to him, thanking for the help. Sunbae brushes her off with a smile and returns to his seat.
"The day." Namgyu echoes.
"Yeah, actually, it's two days a year? He smiles the whole day, helps everyone around him, all nice and sweet." Junho's fingers fly across the keyboard, as he shares the most life-changing information with Namgyu. "Ask him why, if you're so curious. And don't even try to ask Jiwon, she won't tell you."
"I don't think I'll get an answer from him." Namgyu sighs as he comes back to the opened project file. "The only non-professional thing I know about him is that he sometimes goes to basketball games."
"You know well he's friendlier than he looks. He won't bite. Just don't say anything stupid."
"I stopped being scared of him only two weeks ago." Namgyu drops his head on the desk. "I fear he'll look at me like I'm an idiot and I'll be scared of him again."
"Maybe you should finish your project first and think about it later". Junho flicks the back of his head with a pen.
Namgyu rubs the sore spot and looks at his sunbae's direction.
He'll ask him at lunch.
~*~
Sieun-sunbae is nice. Namgyu thinks, as he stands in line at the cafeteria. His face looks bored and uninterested most of the time, so it was really, really hard to approach him at first.
A few months ago, when Namgyu just started working here, fresh out of university, he asked sunbae how to convert a file to PDF. Sunbae didn't say anything. He just stared, blinked, stared again. Namgyu can feel a chill run down his spine. He helped him, though. Explained everything and more. Didn't call him stupid. He's actually patient with everyone and will help if anyone asks.
He's also really smart and if he weren't so passive, he would have received the title of employee of the month every time. Nevertheless, their boss is always scared he'll leave them for a better company. But he seems to like it here. His colleagues respect him but his only friend in the office is Jiwon-sunbae. They're probably bonding over being fed up with people.
Speak of the devil, Namgyu spots her at the corner table. Sieun-sunbae is already there since he brings his own lunch. Does he make it himself? Does he like to cook? Namgyu has too many questions that, most probably, won't be answered.
They always sit there at the corner. It's more quiet. Not a long time ago, Namgyu on his own registered himself as a part of their little group. He convinces himself that this way he'll become a better employee. He'll listen to their wise words, soak in their professional energy and everything. Deep down he knows he does it because they're cool and smart, so people will also think he's cool and smart. (It's not working.)
He quickly throws in some dishes on the tray without looking and rushes to his seniors to try his luck. Maybe he won't leave with utter disappointment.
He plops down next to Jiwon and politely nods to his seniors. Jiwon raises a brow at him.
"What's the rush?"
"I have a really important question." Namgyu looks straight at Sieun. The smile is still on his face. As he opens the lid of the lunchbox, his smile grows even bigger. Namgyu drops his gaze on it.
His lunch is appetizing as always but something is different. Maybe a whole installation of a rice kitten sleeping under an omelette blanket. A blanket with a heart shape pattern made with ketchup. On top of that, the kitten is hugging a sausage octopus. Yeah, maybe this.
Namgyu mouth falls open. What. The hell.
Sieun-sunbae pulls out his phone. He takes several pictures from different angles and types something, smiling happily.
The whole day is a fucking hallucination. It must be. He can't blame it on overworking and sleep deprivation because yesterday he was lazing around and, as soon as the clock hit 5 pm, he flew towards the freedom and then slept for 10 hours. So it's probably something he ate or drank yesterday? Did the chicken go bad already? But it smelled so nice…
"Yah, where's your important question?" Jiwon nudges him with her knee.
Sieun is still admiring the sight, the chopsticks hover above the lunchbox like he's afraid to ruin the perfect picture.
Namgyu closes his mouth, opens it again like a fish gulping for air. Sieun-sunbae has someone who makes him lunch. Lunch that looks like this. He points at the lunchbox, his hand dares to tremble. "Your lunch... looks cute." He mumbles.
Jiwon snorts. Sieun lifts his head, smile plastered on his face. Namgyu squints his eyes, blinded by his expression, light and honest. No, it's not the chicken. It's beer. Went bad under the heating sun when he carried it home. Definitely.
"You think so?" He looks down again. "It really does."
Namgyu clears his throat. "So, my question... Um..."
Jiwon groans with her mouth full. "Come on! How long is this going to take?"
"Sunbae, today you... Um, why were you… Smiling the whole day?" Namgyu cringes from his eloquence. The fact that Jiwon-sunbae is cackling at his side does not help. At least the question is understandable.
Sieun-sunbae's eyebrows rise up and his usually bored eyes look surprised. He's not looking at Namgyu like he's an idiot. Thank god. Namgyu patiently waits for an answer.
Sieun swallows the fake octopus. He glances at Jiwon and looks back at Namgyu. There's some nervousness behind his eyes. "Today is... It's a special day. It's the anniversary."
Namgyu's jaw drops again. He was ready for the relationship reveal, but this means he's been with someone for years. And Namgyu didn't notice. Didn't even have a clue. "You've been in a relationship this whole time?" He blinks rapidly. He turns to Jiwon who calmly chews on her food, now seemingly not caring about their conversation. She catches his look and nods. Of course she knew. He turns back. "You didn't even tell me!"
Sunbae's look changes to something more familiar. "I don't tell you many things." He's thinking Namgyu is an idiot. "You didn't ask."
"I didn't think you would answer!" Namgyu whines out. Okay, he must admit. He actually haven't even thought about the possibility of Yeon Sieun dating anyone. He seemed like a lone wolf. Apparently, Namgyu is really bad at reading people. "And I'm sorry, I didn’t even think that you could date someone."
Jiwon scoffs loudly. "Rude!"
Namgyu grabs his head with both hands. "I know, I'm sorry!" He should've kept that to himself but he never was a planner.
Sieun doesn't look insulted, he must be aware of his appearance of someone who's not interested in romance or human relationships whatsoever. His attention is fully devoted to his lunchbox where he tries to carefully fetch out the cutlet from under the kitten, without disturbing it. The kitten's ear falls off and sunbae desperately tries to push it back. Namgyu stares at it, bewildered.
He turns to Jiwon to make sure he's not the only one who's seeing this. She just shrugs like it happens everyday. "Eat your food, don't strain your brain." She glances at his tray. "What the hell are you eating?" Jiwon murmurs, more to herself.
Namgyu absentmindedly throws something in his mouth. He's on a mission now. He needs to get every possible detail about sunbae's lover. He coughs. "Since we're on the topic. How long have you been together?"
Sieun smiles wider. His eyes warm up too, like he remembered something nice. He carefully tears off a piece of the omelette blanket. "9 years."
Namgyu was ready for 3, even 5 years. But 9? "9? Like? 9? Like since you were... what? 19?" Namgyu doesn't even remember what happened in his uni days. And he graduated this year. "Shouldn't you be married at this point?" He says and immediately regrets it.
Jiwon clicks her tongue. Sieun-sunbae's smile goes down but doesn't disappear fully. He gives him a piercing look and gets back to his cutlets. So it's a sore subject. Shit. Namgyu can see how he loses 20 points on the relationship bar with Yeon Sieun. And he only got to 0 recently!
Jiwon kicks his foot under the table, making Namgyu jump up. She curtly nods at Sieun. Sieun purses his lips thoughtfully, staring at the chopsticks he's twirling in his hand.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that!" Namgyu blurts out.
Sunbae looks up at Namgyu and huffs lightly. "I don't think you're in the right place to talk about marriage since you've never had a long-term relationship."
Namgyu loudly breathes out and relaxes his posture. So he's not mad. He awkwardly rubs the back of his head. "Touché..." Right, his mission. "So... How did you meet?"
The soft smile find its way back on Yeon Sieun's face. Sunbae is lovesick. Wild. "We were classmates."
Namgyu gasps. "High school romance!" Does that mean The Yeon Sieun was spending his high school days holding hands with his girlfriend and having romantic lunches on the rooftop? Honestly, at this point, he wouldn't be surprised. "Tell me more! What's she's like? Wait, I don't even know her name. What's her name?" He keeps coming up with questions, completely oblivious to the looks of his senior colleagues. "How does she look like? Can you show me your pic together?"
He finally looks at Sieun and falls silent. There's no hint of a previous smile. Behind the guarded bored expression he seems... He seems upset. Namgyu turns to Jiwon-sunbae in panic. She looks sideways and closes her eyes, sighing.
"No." Sieun closes the lid on the lunchbox and stands up from his place, grabbing his bag.
Namgyu blinks. "No?"
"I need to head back." He's certainly avoiding Namgyu's confused gaze. His voice suddenly sounds tired.
"What? Why?" Namgyu rises from his seat, his brain desperately tries to come up with an answer.
Sunbae doesn't say anything. Namgyu stares at his back and drooping shoulders as he silently walks away.
"Sunbae, did I say something wrong again?" He plops down, not taking his eyes away from the cafeteria doors where Sieun disappeared a minute ago.
Jiwon only sighs. She stays quiet for some time. She definitely knows the answer. "It's not really your fault." She rubs her forehead wearily. "It's hard. He just didn't want to hear something like that today." She sighs again, heavier this time, and stands up, picking up her tray.
"What does that mean?" Namgyu turns to her, even more confused.
"Homework for today. Think about your words." She briefly nods and leaves him, just like his other sunbae. He follows her with his eyes and stares at the cafeteria doors.
Namgyu doesn't know if it's hunger or guilt that's gnawing at him from the inside. He sighs. Understanding people is not his best quality.
~*~
Back in the office, he sees Sieun-sunbae on his usual seat. He's fully concentrated on his work. Just like usual. If Namgyu squints hard enough, he can see that the corners of his lips are slightly raised. Thank god he didn't ruin his mood completely. He knows he needs to apologise, but what's the point of apologising if he doesn't know for what?
He keeps thinking about Jiwon's words until he realizes that most of his colleagues had already gone home. The project on the screen glows pitifully, reminding him of the inevitable deadline. Namgyu props his head up with his fist, aimlessly moving the mouse in circles. The deadline doesn't even scare him. He needs to figure out what exactly he blurted out that upset Sieun-sunbae.
At home Namgyu recalls everything he knows about his sunbae. From the stuff he mentioned himself to the things he heard from his colleagues. The list is painfully short.
Yeon Sieun went to Eunjang high, was the top student, got into Sungkyunkwan and graduated with honors. He doesn't like drinking with his colleagues but hangs out with Jiwon occasionally. Namgyu heard them talking about nice places they could visit. Shit, they probably were sharing date ideas. Unlike Sieun, Jiwon said she has someone almost right away. Maybe Sieun-sunbae wasn't secretive. Maybe Namgyu just didn't pay attention because he was in a survival mode.
Sunbae is taciturn and smiles rarely. Namgyu haven't heard him laugh, only snort and huff. He's never late and leaves on time, almost never working overtime. Once in a while, Yeon Sieun goes to basketball games with his friends (multiple!). Though, he doesn't seem to be a fan of it. He's not a sporty guy. He's more into academics.
There's almost nothing in his appearance that says about his interests or his girlfriend's personality. There's actually one thing. He has a key-ring with some Chiikawa character. Namgyu thought he put it there for convenience. Now that he thinks about it, it was probably gifted to him. Another wild guess – he likes Chiikawa because he likes cute things. Namgyu doesn't know anything anymore.
Namgyu's head starts to hurt. He's bad at socializing. Maybe he needs to lock himself up and not interact with anyone. He should do it after he apologises.
He goes through the facts again. Eunjang, Sungkyunkwan... He heard someone in the office mention some school incident that, apparently, Sieun was involved in. Back then, he brushed it off since people like to spread rumours when they have nothing to do. Now, he thinks it might help him get to the truth.
When he googles the school and tries to find anything about an incident that happened 10 years ago, nothing comes up. Of course. What was he expecting? "Eunjang is an all-boys school, filled with delinquents." What was Yeon Sieun doing there? He doesn't look like a delinquent. He's a nerd to the core and was smart enough to be in a prestigious school. Another question with no answer.
He reads it again. "Eunjang is an all-boys school."
Huh?
Jiwon, the best sunbae
21:01 sunbae 😣
21:01 the person he's dating is a guy right?
21:02 should i apologise?
21:02 im so dumb
You're not dumb 21:03
Don't blame yourself 21:04
Just show him you're supportive 21:04
It'll be fine 21:05
"Be supportive". He doesn't know how! He feels like the dumbest person ever, despite Jiwon-sunbae herself telling him he's not.
"Shouldn't you be married at this point?" Why on Earth did he think it was acceptable? It's rude even when it's a straight couple. And how many times did he say "she"? He immediately assumed sunbae has a girlfriend. Why? He doesn't consider himself homophobic. He never interacted with an openly gay person. It doesn't matter. His dear senior thinks he's homophobic. And he has spent so much time trying to get on his right side. All down the drain.
Namgyu looks at the dark phone screen and sees his pathetic reflection. There's a big sign flashing above his head that says "homophobic idiot". That's how Sieun-sunbae sees him now.
Namgyu clutches his head. "We live in a society." He mutters to himself almost in a feverish delirium. "We live in a conservative society. That's why I thought he has a girlfriend. Not because I don't acknowledge the existence of gay people." He aggressively nods. Yeon Sieun definitely knows that.
Jiwon's words in the cafeteria ring in his ears. Fuck. Right. He was a fucking reminder of a beautiful South Korean society that doesn't believe in gay relationships and, on top of that, he helpfully reminded him he can't get married. All of this on the 9th anniversary of their relationship. The anniversary that made his senior smile all day. Yeon Sieun, who smiles a maximum of three times a year during the blood moon, was walking around with a happiest smile the whole day. And Namgyu was the genius who ruined everything.
Namgyu screams into the pillow.
~*~
On Monday, he rushes to work. Sunbae comes early, so they'll have some time to talk. That's the plan.
When he enters the office, Sieun is not there. He's not there 10 or 20 minutes later.
"Is Sieun-sunbae alright?" Namgyu shifts from foot to foot near Jiwon's desk. She's fully concentrated on something on her phone.
"He's fine, just late." She tilts her phone and Namgyu catches Sudoku board on the screen. He expected some abstruse article. The people around him turn out to be more human. Jiwon looks him up and down. "Are you alright?"
Namgyu was alright on the weekend. He panicked the whole Friday but eventually calmed down. Now he starts to panic again.
"Sunbae, what if he hates me now?" He groans into his hands.
"He doesn't, he has a big heart." Namgyu peeks through his fingers. Jiwon looks concerned but she sounds confident in her words. It helps. She sighs and rubs the back of her neck awkwardly. "Listen, I know I told you to think about your words, but I feel like you decided to overthink."
Was that overthinking? He might've gone to far.
"I kind of feel bad now..." Jiwon mumbles. "He's fine, I'm telling you. He's more than fine. He's..." She stutters. "Just talk to him later." She quickly turns away but then glances at him again. Namgyu doesn't know what her look means. She turns back to the computer.
Sieun-sunbae appears in the office 5 minutes before the work starts. His face red, hair disheveled, blazer pressed to the chest, wrinkled and battered. He tries to hide that he's completely out of breath but his breathing can be heard on the other side of the office. Jiwon offers her friend a bottle of water and he chugs it down.
Namgyu thinks it's not the best time to talk.
~*~
At lunchtime, he sprints to the cafeteria. He throws a little bit of everything onto his tray and falls into his seat just as his seniors sit down too.
"Sunbae, did something happen?" Namgyu scans Sieun's appearance. Nothing abnormal. Except he's smiling again. Maybe it's a new normal. He looks so neat, it's hard to believe his morning entrance happened in reality.
Sieun-sunbae stops fumbling with the lunch bag on his knees and slowly looks up. The smile is still on his face but he looks lost. Just as slowly he turns his gaze to Jiwon, slightly raising his eyebrows. Jiwon-sunbae shakes her head.
"Do you mean why I was late?" Sieun fetches out his lunchbox and moves the bag to the side.
Namgyu nods eagerly.
"My flight got delayed and then I overslept." He says it in his casual monotone voice, as he opens the lid and grabs chopsticks.
"Your flight? Where–" He notices it. What the hell? It glimmers in the sunlight, coming through the near window. What the fuck? The ring. Simple silver ring with a small star carving in the middle. Namgyu feels like his jaw just hit the floor. His mind is blank and he knows he was silent for an inappropriate amount of time. He has to say something. Hopefully, not something stupid.
Sieun-sunbae notices his stare. His right hand protectively covers the ring and he twists it back and forth with his fingers. Jiwon coughs, politely reminding of a prolonged pause.
"Did you secretly get married and didn't invite me?" Namgyu whisper-shouts. He needs to lock himself up. That's not how people communicate. "Is that because I said something dumb?" He sounds desperate and he actually feels the same. "I was going to apologise! I'm really sorry, sunbaenim!" He bows so fast he almost hits the table with his head.
"It's okay." Sieun sounds genuinely concerned, "Please calm down."
Namgyu squeezes his eyes shut. No way he was left out. If he wasn't invited because sunbae doesn't consider him as a friend, he'll understand. If it happened because he got labeled as a homophobic colleague, he'll die on the spot.
"Namgyu, it's fine." Jiwon pats his back and pulls him away from the tabletop.
"I'm not homophobic, I swear!" Namgyu places a hand oh his chest for greater conviction.
Sieun-sunbae stares at him with big concerned eyes. "That's good to know..." He mumbles. His eyes dart between Namgyu and Jiwon. "But how am I supposed to get married in South Korea?" He's trying to make sense out of the situation but he won't succeed. The situation was created by Namgyu and he's even more lost.
"You flew to Thailand?" He says weakly. Is it legal in Thailand? He saw the news years and years ago. Was it Taiwan?
Sieun's eyes grow bigger. "Namgyu-yah, you're scaring me." The situation seems to be stressing him out. "I need you to calm down." His tone now reminds of a nurse, who's trying to make an elderly patient take the pills.
"Come on, breathe in, breathe out." Jiwon pats his shoulder. Namgyu nods and does as he told.
"I'm so sorry for what I said on Friday. I know it was really upsetting to hear on your anniversary." Namgyu bows again, but this time slowly.
"Uh, it's fine." Sunbae raises his eyebrows, surprised. "You didn't say anything insulting. I'm not mad or upset."
He's not? "You're not?"
"No, I'm used to that." Sieun-sunbae says it assuringly. "Not my first day on Earth." He shrugs.
He's not.
Firstly? Thank god. Secondly? Did he crash out for nothing? It's not nothing, though. He shouldn't blame himself for caring about other people's feelings. And it's not like sunbae was completely unaffected by his words.
Sunbae might sound calm and assuring but his fingers keep nervously twisting the ring.
"But you ran away from the cafeteria."
Sieun turns away from his eyes, wincing slightly. So he was hurt. He inhales through gritted teeth and turns back, his eyes are glued to the table. He hums. "A moment of weakness." Says quietly. "I didn't want to explain anything that day and be scared to see your reaction."
Right. Right. It's not something you can do casually. "I understand." He says under the breath.
Jiwon finally starts eating, Namgyu follows her example. The food on his tray doesn't look anything nutritious.
Sieun also picks up the chopsticks. The ring on his hand catches a ray of sunshine. Namgyu gasps. How could he forget? "What about the ring?"
Jiwon-sunbae snorts. "It's an engagement ring, dumbass."
Engagement ring. Oh god. Of course! The homophobic thinking got him again. He forgot men can wear engagement rings too. Namgyu drops his head on the table and groans, while Jiwon keeps giggling.
Wait. Namgyu sits up quickly. Sieun-sunbae laughs at him silently. That's really good to see.
"Sunbae, I didn't even congratulate you!" He feels emotional. "I'm so happy for you!"
Sieun smiles warmly. "Thank you," he nods. Suddenly, his expression changes. He looks lost in his thoughts. "Wait. How did you find out about my boyfriend?"
Namgyu grins. He looks up, sighing deliberately loud. Alright-alright, he'll tell them if they want to know so desperately. "You said you were classmates but you went to Eunjang. It's an all-boys school!" He feels like a detective, explaining everything at the end of the book.
Jiwon wheezes, dragging Namgyu back into reality. "I'm amazed you hit the bullseye with your poor logic."
Namgyu's proud smiles drops. "What do you mean?"
"He met his incredible fiancé in Byuksan high. He went there before Eunjang." Jiwon finds it extremely entertaining. She breaks into another laugh. "At least you're good at physics. I fear you wouldn't survive with your logic skills and emotional intellect only." Namgyu can't even be mad at her, she's right.
"You were kind of right, though. Byuksan is also an all-boys school." Sieun-sunbae says comfortingly.
Namgyu looks at the ceiling. "My luck saved me from embarrassing myself..." He mumbles into the air.
"No, It literally didn't." Jiwon mutters helpfully.
There's something left unanswered. Well, something besides the whole personality of Yeon Sieun boyf– fiancé.
"Where did you go to this weekend?" Namgyu leaves the ceiling alone and looks straight at his senior.
The question catches Sieun, peacefully chewing on his lunch, off guard. He starts chewing faster, looking everywhere but at Namgyu. "Jeju." Sunbae finally answers, his cheeks turning rosy. "Uh, my boyfriend proposed to me there." He smooths the hair on the back of his head, staring at their favourite tabletop.
"Ew!" Jiwon leans forward to slap him in the shoulder. "Quit looking so shy! Gross!"
"Wah... It must've been so romantic..." Namgyu tries to imagine being proposed to on a rocky shore with a beautiful view of the sea. The view is wonderful itself but being there with the love of your life must be really heartwarming. "I need to know the details!" He exclaims, lightly slapping the table. "What's his name? How does he look like? Can you show me a pic?" He drops a question after a question, bending his fingers.
Sieun lets out a painfully tired sigh. He picks up the egg roll. "Let's eat."
Namgyu stops immediately. "Why? What's wrong this time?"
Sieun lifts his head. There's an amused smile on his face. "This Saturday my friends are coming over to celebrate our engagement." He looks Namgyu in the eyes. "You're also invited."
Namgyu covers his mouth in shock. No way. He happily salutes to his senior. "I'll bring the nicest gifts!"
~*~
"I don't understand how you didn't realize Sieun has a boyfriend sooner."
"What do you mean?"
"His lock screen always has their couple photo on it."
"Okay, that's enough, I really don't want to be even more disappointed in myself."