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As the moon comes up, the sun goes down, the birds fly away from the windows and the fireflies fill up the sky, I sigh and roll in my bed. Mascara runs down my face as I scroll down on my phone, a lump of jealousy caught down my stomach. My throat tightens as I gulp back down sobs. He wasn’t the one. I keep repeating myself. My ex boyfriend keeps posting on instagram though he ghosted me for a month. Ken, you’ motherfucker.
It had come to my realization for a while that someone like him couldn't be my soulmate. This is common knowledge, everyone in the world is intimately connected to someone else, sometimes multiple people if you are lucky enough. Yet, I have come to my majority without ever meeting mine. Most people meet theirs in high school. My friends told me that they make you feel a sublime feeling of highness, of blooming even, inside of you.
Yet, I can’t manage to tell myself there is someone out there who is supposed to feel that way towards me. My ex told me he did, a few others did too. Were we all mistaken? Does this truly exist? It has become some kind of social formality to find your “other half”, though for some people it doesn’t feel like another half, what kind of idea is it that we are all missing a part of ourselves? This was used far too long to keep women away from emancipation. Some days I don’t feel like believing in it.
But, is it a crime to wish to be loved? I kept reading romance for as long as I can remember and each time one finds his partner, the feeling seems almost overwhelming, whipping away everything that was ever known before, like a second birth, reborn as two, as a pair, like long lost twins.
So I have decided to take the matter into my own hands. I need to move on from my ex - god knows how hard it’ll be. I mean I keep seeing his face everywhere… I can’t even stop meeting him, it seems like everyone knows each other in this New Jersey shithole. I don’t care. I don’t deserve some apolitic privileged white cis boy with no empathy, no brain, who keeps scolding me for wearing the makeup and clothes I like - all he ever wanted was to get in my pants.
I need to find my soulmates - or it is supposed to find you… well, you’re supposed to find each other. I don’t understand any of this, I guess no one does, otherwise there wouldn’t be billions of love stories being written since the dawn of time.
A few weeks ago, I found an old set of candles and incense in my parent’s basement, as well as some weird telepathy training book. My parents are the perfect example of all this destined love thing. They met in high school, fell in love, and knew they were meant for each other the exact moment they locked eyes for the first time. So of course when I told them that I broke up with my asshole ex boyfriend, they told me I needed a way to contact my eternal lover - hence the esoteric stuff. This is crazy.
Hesitantly, I lit up both candles and incense. A strange energy emanates from them, filling up my room quickly. I take a deep breath, trying to pull myself together, my shoulders assured but betrayed by my shaking hands, dangerously clutching on my knees.
How can I contact somebody with the sole power of my will ? If soulmates exist, I guess I can believe anything.
As I start the séance, I can’t help but cringe internally. I am desperate, aren’t I?
“- Can someone hear me?
Hello?
Is anyone out there?
- What the fuck- Who is this?” A man’s voice breaks through the silence. Slightly on the higher pitch for a guy, maybe a little raspy, and of course with a hint- no - with absolute confusion. “This can’t be real, I can’t be hearing voices-
- I was uh… looking for you.” What am I even doing? This guy never asked for this! But we’ll have to meet one way or the other so…. “I’m looking for my soulmate.
- Uh- okay this isn’t lost and found.
- No, I mean you… probably are my soulmate. I was looking for you.
- What the hell- I’m totally against this whole soulmate propaganda- how can you even- can you hear everything I think?”
For a moment I stay silent, trying to figure whether or not I can. But since the voice inside my head stops for moments, I can probably only hear what he wants me to hear… unconsciously. I try to explain it to him, but I keep being extremely clumsy in the way I pick my words, cutting my own sentences and stumbling over my words, almost like they overlap.
“- Alright- alright. Calm down girl, who even are you?
- I uh- I’m Y/N.
- I don’t know any Y/N. How can you be so sure I’m your soulmate?” There I was, quieted down. He’s right, how can I be so sure? No one has ever said telepathy would recreate that feeling you get when meeting your partner. “I’m starting to hear voices- I’m becoming schizophrenic!
-I’m sorry for bothering you…
-No,don’t be sorry. I’m just completely freaking out here.” He started to question me on the way I managed the telepathic exchange. “You do sound like you have no idea what you’re doing, I guess you’re not some evil witch… Not that I wouldn’t like that.” The last part was exchanged with a hint of teasing. I could start portraying him as a rebel-ish young man.
“- Some people say I am… (I pause for a few seconds) What do you look like?” I’m definitely getting embarrassed at my own stupid question. I sound like a middle schooler in an online chatroom, or worse… an old creepy guy on the internet. He chuckles.
- I won’t tell you, perv.” I sigh. He really wants to keep up the mysterious act.
“- You’re no fun!I don’t even know why I’d be your soulmate, I hate nonchalance.” I whined.
He stayed quiet for a moment. “- Who says I’m nonchalant?” he regained a little seriousness, bluntness even. “And quit that soulmate crap. I told you, I don’t believe in it.”
I guess he didn’t want to talk to me anymore after some time. My thoughts became quieter, only my own thoughts echoed in the mess of questions left by him. Who could he be? Did I know him- No this is a stupid question, if I knew him I’d know he’s my soulmate. Maybe he isn’t… Maybe I just bothered some random dude who genuinely has nothing to do with me.
Sometimes I can’t help but think that maybe not everyone can have a soulmate. If you despise the idea of it, does fate play in favour of you wish? Maybe we have soulmates because we attracted them with the desire to have someone to share our lives with. Maybe sometimes we can’t put laws and rules over everything. Not every action will get the same outcome, not every fact, combination of possibilities, or settings, especially when it comes to feelings… to love.
I looked out my window for a while. This studio apartment is so lonely. I don’t miss living with my parents - except when I have to clean my mess by myself - but it does get empty here. A profitable environment for my thoughts to take over the void haunting my life. I’ll go to college, think college, breathe college, until I leave this place. And then I’ll go to work, think work, eat work… I just wished I’d find someone to get away from the routine. Someone special, someone who’s not afraid of standing out, who’s gonna get me out of my own head, my delusion and dreams, my imagination and its tricks, someone who’ll take me out of my room to see the world behind the horizon, out of Jersey. Right, someone who’s gonna make me feel alive.
A breeze of wind flows into my room, blowing out the ritual candles as the last bit of incense turns to ashes and collapses on the engraved piece of wood who held it. My eyes widened, wondering if the connection had permanently ended. With all my will I tried talking to him again.
“- Can you hear me?” I said in my head, recreating this desire to communicate with him once again.
“- Oh my fucking god, you’re still here?How long have you been inside my head? Did you hear anything?
-What- no! No, that's why I asked. I didn’t hear anything for a while so I got worried I lost you.” I said, unsure of where this was going, I shyly explained my worries. “The wind blew out all my… ‘ritual’ stuff.
-Jesus, you really are some distressed weird chick.” he teased again. “Relax, I guess you can keep bugging me. Doesn’t mean you should.”
Caught in hesitation, I did not say any more words. Though my curiosity was stronger, I wanted to ask more questions. I laid back down on my bed, closed my eyes and focused on him. “What’s your name?”
“I won’t tell you, weirdo. What if you’re a serial killer or anything?” His comment makes me chuckle. (From the outside this must be so fucking weird, I’m lying down on my bed, giggling to a blank white ceiling.) “I can’t believe I’m talking by telepathy to some random weirdo. Maybe you know me and you don’t want to say it, stalker much. I didn’t consent to your witchcraft shit.” he added, still in this annoying bratty tone. “But I must admit no one has tried to hit on me like that.’
“I’m not hitting on you! You’re such an asshole-”
“Then why are you insisting on reading my thoughts?”
I must admit his question caught me off guard.
“- I don’t know.
…
I mean- I have one question though : why don’t you believe in soulmates?”
“I don’t believe in anything, you know? Like, I hate religion, any religion. Anything that’s made to control people. I’m persuaded that this whole thing is just an excuse for people to have kids and shit, for women to be locked up, married to controlling men. Of course things have changed, but in our patriarchal western society, the idea of soulmates is just internalized misogyny, in men and women. Of course we transposed it to homosexual relationships, but keep in mind it was also used to invalidate homosexuality - you know, this whole thing about it being against nature. I know people can fall in love, anyone deserves love, but the idea of everyone being destined for another people, it’s against the core idea of free will, meaning that everything is already written and we can’t change anything about it. Also, do we really think everyone deserves unconditional love? Do you really think abusive husbands deserve the affection of their oppressed housewives? From what I’ve seen, life isn’t a sappy romance book.
- I’m hearing you, and I do agree with your position-
- Then let me return the question : why do you believe in soulmates?”
I paused for a second, took a deep breath to put my thoughts in order.
“-I think I’m just tired of being played- god I just want to be loved man! Is it so hard to believe? Every guy I meet is either homophobic, transphobic, racist, conservative, or voted for far right parties. Some of them are so privileged they don't care about others so they become apolitic. Others are so depressed, so angry they plan on bringing a gun to school. In best case scenario the guy is just extremely self centered and have little to no interest in me and just wants to get in my pants, or flex about the fact he got a girlfriend when he’s known for being a fucking loser- you know why he is a loser? Because he’s just a fucking individualist poser. This world is fucking hell dude, we both know it, men are shit, so I’m sorry to believe that some unexplainable things that may happen in life, like having a soulmate, could maybe, maybe, make this fucking life better. I don’t want to lose hope otherwise it’ll kill me.”
This time, he remained quiet. Leaving a little space to breathe in between our two passionate monologues. Why is my heart so loud? I haven’t talked so confidently in a while (even if I haven’t physically spoken). Admitting it felt like a weight being lifted off my chest.
“-I see what you mean. Yet, you shouldn’t feel like this is the only thing that can bring you happiness. You aren’t incomplete without another person, you already are a whole and can be fulfilled by other things than romance.
-I’m not saying that. I agree, this shouldn’t be my only… happiness income, and it isn’t. But the truth is : I want to be loved. This is a part of the existence I want to live.
- You can be in a relationship and be happy without this person being your soulmate.
- You’re right. But what about you, have you ever felt in love?
- Yeah, but it’s nothing like this idea of a soulmate. I liked those people because I chose to do so.
- Were you happy in those relationships?
-... no. They were very imperfect, if I had a soulmate, I would’ve met them by now right? Why would ‘destiny’ let me wander around, try things that don’t work until I… eventually meet the right one- how can I know I’m ever going to meet this person anyway? They could be dead already, or in another country-
-Wait- let me stop you there. The sole principle of a soulmate is that you two are meant to be together, so you are going to meet them anyway. I don’t think it should be some random person but the person you truly share things with and end up loving for the rest of your life. So, it can’t be some person you’ll never meet. Some way, both your paths should cross.
- Alright, alright. I still don’t believe in your… thing. No one is perfect, no relation is.
- Yes, but there is a difference between imperfect and toxic. Arguing like we are right now is constructive, we aren’t perfectly agreeing, but we aren’t attacking or belittling each other.
- You still think I’m your soulmate? he inquired teasingly.
-I didn’t say that- but you get my point!
A few seconds of silence imposed themselves in between us. None of us knew what to do next. He really messed with my head. I don’t know what to think about all this anymore. How can we be so sure this exists? It’s not some story where the name of your soulmate appears on your arm or whatever’s written on yourself shows up on the other’s skin. We’re not linked by a red thread or anything. It truly is just a belief, you can’t prove it with any fact as it is supposed to happen abstractly…
“-Forget about the whole soulmate thing. I’m sorry, I really am- but it was very interesting talking to you I… I never have conversations this interesting with people around me, especially not with guys. I really liked talking to you.” I said with a little hesitation, going back to my shy behavior.
“- Yeah, I guess it wasn’t that bad, he answered with his teasing tone again. You’re not stupid… for someone believes in-
-Shut up, whoever-you-are!” I retorted. He let out a chuckle (I can hear him chuckle???).
“- Call me Frank, witch.”
The next day, I was up early to class. I ran down the college’s hallway, being a few seconds away from being late. As I put my foot in front of the door, my teacher swung it open, making me flinch back in surprise. Embarrassed, I walked down to the middle of the room, making sure I was close enough to hear. My eyes were burning at the sight of the bright lights, the bright board and the bright wooden benches. I sat down nervously, my leg immediately started to jump. As tiredness started to take possession of me again, I found myself thinking of Frank again. What could he look like..?
“- What are you imagining, perv?” his voice startled me. He heard me? I must look so fucking stupid, jumping from… a sound in my head- well i mean no one knows that. Ugh, fuck it, people already think I’m weird.
- What did you hear, stalker?” Somehow he tried to imitate me saying “What could he look like?”.
- I guess I can hear everything if you think of me a little too… obsessively. You’re such a creep.
- Stop making fun of me, douchebag, I interjected. Though, genuinely, I barely know anything about you : the only person I managed to talk through fucking telepathy.
- Yeah this shit’s kinda crazy. Doesn’t make me believe in soulmate though-
- Ugh, come on, leave it!”
He snickered for a little. I found myself blushing. Blushing. What. is. wrong. with. me.
“- Well, if you really want to imagine me, don’t get your hopes up. I’m not… I’m not tall or muscular… I wouldn’t even say I’m handsome. I’ve got a few tattoos though.
- Oh my god I always wanted some! What do they look like?”
He started listing all his tattoos, one by one, absolutely distracting me from my class. My mind was exclusively focused on his voice. God, it sounds nice.
“- … and then I also- what did you say? I heard that! You’re suuuuch a simp! You like my voice huh?” My mind absolutely collapsed over itself, my thoughts and inner dialogue falling apart in embarrassment. “Alright, alright, he chuckled, calm down, witch. Your voice is nice too, it’s very calming.” Shit, shit, shit! I’m smiling like a dumbass-
My teacher broke all the streams of inner thought I had by calling me out for smiling and not listening to the lecture. My face became bright red as the whole amphitheatre stared at me, judgingly. My leg started bouncing again, my heartbeat sped up painfully. I hate this. My breath came out ragged and quick, its fast pace worsening my state.
As soon as the lecture came to an end, I rushed down to the end of the hallway, barging into an empty bathroom stall to try to hide my shame. Please be quiet. Be quiet. Be quiet. I repeated as my breath started to cut itself with brutal inhalations. I couldn’t speak, all I could think was : This is irrational. I can’t be seen this is so embarrassing.
“-Y/N?” Frank’s voice broke through my panic. “Y/N, are you there? I can’t hear you what happened? Are you mad? Please tell me you can hear me…
- Frank- I’m having a panic attack- I’m in the bathroom. I was at uni I- god-
- Oh shit! Breath… Breath okay?”
Calmly, Frank tried to guide me through it. He made me take long, deep breaths. He led me to the square breathing exercise thing, almost like he knew a little too well how to handle these things. He kept saying reassuring words, calming me down. After a few minutes, I was fully relaxed, sitting on the ground with my back against the stall’s door. How can he be so sassy one moment and be all caring the other?
- I never thought you’d know how to help me through this. I would’ve never even thought you’d try to help.
- Do you truly think so lowly of me? he asked with a little attitude, making me smile and bite back a chuckle. No seriously, I’m used to being like that sometimes before going on stage.
- What do you mean on stage?
- Ah, right, he chuckled again, I’m in a band. I mean, I’ve been in a lot of bands. It’s never easy to play in front of a lot of strangers, I still get stage fright every time. Sometimes I have to get wasted to just get up there.” He sounded nervous only at the mention of it. He explained how his band formed, the kind of music they did… He was considering dropping out to work fully on his music, which I admired greatly.
We kept talking and I almost forgot to look at the time. It’s only when he mentioned it that I realised I need to go to my next class. Maybe this time I shouldn’t get distracted by his divine voice. Damn, it was so fucking attractive everytime he’d use that teasing, bratty tone, his little sarcasm but also the way it softens to help me out. All gushing aside, we agreed reluctantly that we probably shouldn’t talk during lectures.
Therefore it’s only when I rode inside the school bus towards my parent’s place that I went back thinking about him. If his talking voice was this nice to listen to, I can’t even imagine him singing. He said he was mostly screaming due to his punk influence. But what would he sound like singing? Can I even listen to his singing through fucking telepathy?
Yeah that’s nuts. I’m going insane. There are moments where I wonder if I am not becoming crazy. Maybe he’s all in my head and doesn’t exist. Am I that desperate my brain is creating some kind of bad boy guitarist fantasy? I mean I kinda lean towards maladaptive daydreaming at times… But this feels real, maybe it’s all hallucinations. What the fuck was in that incense?
Okay I need a fucking break, I am having way to much questionning for someone so mentally unstable, Y/N, pull yourself together.
“-Hey witch, you’ there?, asked Frank with his usual sass, but this time, tinted with something more… I guess. I don’t know if you can hear me but… You’re super nice to talk to, you know? Just… Even if we’re not soulmates or anything, you’re chill.”
-You mean it?
- I’m not in desperate need of affection, I’m honest ok? Always. You’re cool.
Shit, he’s making me blush like a fucking idiot.
- I heard that! he chuckled.
- Fucking hell- I never know what you can and can’t hear! I hate you.
- No you don’t. I don’t hate you either.”
With that, we kept chatting, talking about music, bands, inspirations… Anything remotely artistic. Apparently he’s a punk guy (surprising, I know). He kept talking to me about all the different people he met making music, all the underground Jersey scene. I was so excited to know we’re at least from the same state. He told me he had his driver licence too and that he’d be ready to come and visit me one day.
Every discussion we had felt like a dream to me. Somehow we were getting along much more each second. Even with the most insignificant topic, we’d manage to elaborate, question ourselves and joke around. We figured out quickly we were both huge nerds, the weird kids who were never ever popular in school, not once in our lives. It just felt comforting talking to him.
Eventually we had to stop talking as I arrived at my parents. I stepped out of the vehicle and looked around the dark street. The weather is pretty humid, it’s been rainy the whole day and the floor was drenched and stained my baggy jeans. I hurried to the door in order to finally be in a warm cozy place. As I kicked my shoes next to the entrance, I could already smell a good baked cake from the kitchen. I dashed to my mom, leaving my heavy bag down the stairs.
“-I’m home! I yelled through the house.
-Hey sweetie, put your shoes back on, we’re going to see the new neighbours!
-Ugh, come on mom, I’m so tired. This week was horrible.” I answered half-sincerly. I can’t just tell her I used some of her weird spiritual-esoteric stuff and… flirted with some guy by telepathy. Are we even flirting?
“- The lady there has a son just your age! Come on it’ll be fun, your dad’s getting ready, go say hi.”
After making small talk with my father about things that have happened during the week, we were all set to go - well , almost. I felt the urge to go to my room and change into a prettier outfit, fixing my hair slightly and putting on a little makeup, not without cleaning it a little before. I didn’t smell that bad for a change, thank god because I would've never found a moment for a shower in this short time frame.
Down the stairs, my mother was waiting with a cake in her hands. Please, make it so she followed the recipe well this time, she can’t keep making failed cakes every time. My father on the other hand was waiting with a big smile on, locking arms with my mother. It’s like everytime their eyes meet they fall in love over again. It truly is a matter of supernatural, inhuman, divine forces.
This isn’t about god or religion, it’s… Something out of our reach of understanding but yet it is engraved into our own nature. More than our perfectibility, maybe our will to stay alive, there is something more : that unintelligible feeling of love that can bloom between two people and never seems to fade away. Even if everything around them can be extinguished, like the flames of an army of candles, like the incense slowly turning to ashes, the love maintains both parties alive, and even if they both drown, together they’ll find a will to rise up to the surface and breathe into each other's lungs.
Only a few steps away, my parents find the front door of our new neighbors. I didn’t get to see them move in as I was absent for quite a while. I must admit I haven’t thought about it once, I may have been… distracted lately. We could hear the clicking of heels approaching the door. A short woman opened the door. Her smile was bright and honest, almost stretching to her ear, her short hair was styled nicely and her box dyed hair were standing out from the average middle aged woman.
She greeted her with lots of excitement. I don’t know if this neighborhood deserves so much joy. It’s just a normal middle class side of town, nothing exciting. But nothing could kill her happiness as she met my parents, they surprisingly seemed as happy as her. I must admit I have grown up in a nice environment, my parents are soulmates, I guess that makes one happy household…
As my mother handed the cake to the sweet woman. She turned to me, her voice firm and confident, reminding me of my new friend’s tone…
“-Well, look at you! You’re such a pretty girl! I can’t wait for you to meet my son, he’s about your age, a real punk this kid. But I promise behind the rebel attitude he really is a good boy, she said. I wouldn’t have let him be any other way, or else!” the woman chuckled.
She called out her son’s name :
Frank.
“- Mom? What’s their family name again? I asked, shivers running down my spine.
- You’re such an airhead, a goldfish even! It’s Mrs Iero!”
And as she spoke,
He descended from his room.
His steps echoing deep inside my heart.
As our gaze met, the world stopped. It’s like the broken record of my soul was playing a beautiful symphony, an orchestra of pure bliss and ecstasy as his figure came down in front of me. Both of us were in awe. Amazement in our eyes. Love in our heart.
This was him. This was it. I had found my soulmate. This is the feeling they all talk about, the pure love, the ascending of souls to form only one and only entity, undividable, united forever.
So this is what this was all about : two birds of a feather. We both felt it together, out heartbeat pounding in unison. An overwhelming feeling that made my knees weak and my tears arose to my eyes. A deep breath that seemed unstoppable, like I could breath for the first time.
He was exactly like I imagined it. His fit yet petite figure, framed by tattoos and a sharp yet soft face - nothing made sense in that moment, nor my feelings, nor his, nor anything I could say or think. All I felt was an immense amount of love I wanted to be fed with.
The sentiment was so big everyone sensed it. The room became quiet as all realised what was happening. My mother’s eyes started to well up, her face going slightly red in emotion, she’s always been a sappy one. My father held her by the shoulder tenderly, calming down the immense sense of pride she felt. Yet, I couldn’t determine what she was proud of as I didn’t do anything to provoke this. It all felt surreal. The adults left the room, leaving us space to breathe (I mean we are adults, yet it doesn’t feel like it).
He broke the silence.
“-It’s you, Y/N.” God it truly is his voice. I nodded. “Come on, let’s go outside.” he said as he put on a blazer. He walked ahead of me, holding the door, his fingers tattooed with the word ‘halloween’ like he described it to me. Before stepping out, I took a second to look at his mohawk, it’s short, bleached. He smiled down gently at me, shyly inviting me to step upfront. I made my way to the humid and fresh garden of the Iero’s family.
He walked with me to a humid bench. His skin was glowing under the yellowish streetlight, enhancing the charm of his diamond eyes. It reflected the world around him yet it’s like I couldn’t ever care about anything else around. His side profile is so soft, curved, shaped like a roman statue of white stone, where gods painted a soul made to be mine to cherish in life and anything that comes after.
And as he turned to look at my face, a wave of emotion washed over me again. His soft smile, his sincere gaze. Oh, his gaze. Everything is so drastically different from what I felt before. I was deeply, necessarily attracted to him, just as much as he was. It is so hard to not fold in front of him, not to let go of modesty, of prudeness. I’ve never been boy crazy, I never wanted to unite with someone so badly.
“- Please talk to me. This is all I’ve ever known of you, I need to make sure it is you. Speak… “ He begged, leaving behind all teasing and attitude. Gently, his hands found their rightful place onto my skin, framing my face with much more love than any other strong and calloused hands could hold.
“-I promise it is me, Frank. I cried, tears cascading down my cheeks, staining my face with delight.
- I believe in it now.”
Words were so unnecessary he plunged in to kiss me. His lip ring pressing against my tear drenched smile, a bouquet of flowers blooming inside of my heart, life taking over me. His touch made me feel more awake than ever yet I was melting in his touch like a tired cat under a tender and caring pat. He gently moved his mouth onto mine, handing me the kiss like an offrand to the eternal bond that was formed between us. It’s nothing like i’ve ever known before, this is passionate yet so weak, so fragile so succinct, ephemeral yet imprinted on me forever. His nose piercing brushed me gently, our closeness more and more pronounced. And in an instant, our bodies collided, like two whole galaxies, under the calm stance of the loving moon.