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“Majiri-mono. (Mixed being)”
“Mazaru.. (getting mixed.. )”
These two words kept swirling in Yoshiki’s head, and it felt like every molecule in the air was whispering the words into his ears, making him feel suffocated— as if the air around him was dense and heavy, enough to make him drown and leave him breathless.
Kurebayashi-san always, always emphasized these words to both him and ‘Hikaru’ every single time they met. But the more she warned, the worse they got mixed.
The more Yoshiki lost his morals and humanity. For the sake of staying with the monster.
The more ‘Hikaru’ felt guilty for not being human enough. For the sake of not being alone anymore.
Yet none of them cared enough to realise it. They were too immersed in each other, too busy thinking of each other— to the point that it was getting out of hand.
“Huhh.. huhh..” Yoshiki was gasping for air, though he was drowned in it. He clutched his hand at his chest, feeling it tighten. Sweat was dripping from his face down to his chin and neck, as his skin started to turn pale as a ghost.
He was alone in the classroom, as it was recess time. He had asked Maki and ‘Hikaru’ to buy him some bread and juice at the canteen, since he was too lazy to walk to the crowded place and would prefer to just stare out the window. And that was when it struck him, causing him to have a panic attack.
The sound of the door being dragged open stunned him. Yoshiki, who was crouching down on the floor, face almost bloodless, turned his body to look at the open door. It was ‘Hikaru’, one hand in his pocket, while the other holding a plastic bag of bread and drinks.
“Yoshiki, your red bean bread isn’t-” ‘Hikaru’ s’ voice died completely when he saw Yoshiki on the floor, looking like he was at the brink of death. He threw away the plastic bag onto the table and hurried over to the tall, dark-haired boy. His eyes widened, mouth agape, his expression full of concern.
“H-hey, yer okay? What’s wrong, what happened while I was away?” he asked nervously. What would a human do in a situation like this? He asked himself silently.
Yoshiki often had panic attacks; he had seen it countless times at this point. Yet he found himself standing still and holding back in every situation. That was probably because Yoshiki would push him away each time he tried to console him. He didn’t like it when someone saw him break down, and he would get mad if someone tried to get close.
‘From what I saw, the real Hikaru would try to talk slowly when someone was feeling down, then he would rub his back lightly.'
Maybe he should try that. He lifted his hand and slowly placed his palm on Yoshiki’s back.
‘Is he gonna push me away..?’ Surprisingly, he didn't. So he carefully caressed his back, trying to slow his heavy breathing.
“Yoshiki.. What’s wrong?” ‘Hikaru’ whispered softly. He had hoped that this would calm him down, only for Yoshiki to start heaving even faster.
“Say, Hikaru. Just how far have we gotten mixed up?” He looked at ‘Hikaru’ with an immense fear welling in his eyes. ‘Hikaru’s’ hand stopped moving, his focus now shifted entirely to the question shot at him.
“Why do you ask..?” Answered back with a question, Yoshiki leaned in and grabbed him by the collar with both hands. It annoyed him. “Answer me,” he insisted, voice still trembling.
“I don’t… know,” ‘Hikaru’ finally answered.
“Then, d-do yer think something bad gonna happen to us, i-if we were badly mixed up?” Was this what made the boy tremble with such fear?
‘Hikaru’ could feel his own guilt eating him alive.
“Sorry.. I didn’t know it made ya so scared. I’m sorry for getting us mixed up like this,” he caressed his back once again. Yoshiki pulled his knees to his chest and hugged himself tightly, face hidden behind his knees. Then, ‘Hikaru’ heard a quiet sob.
‘Did I say something wrong..?’
“Tssk, no.. I’m not blaming ya, Hikaru. I n-never said it was gross…” Yoshiki said, after staying quiet and sobbing for some time. His voice was hoarse but soft.
But his panic attack hadn’t subsided even a bit. Through the hand he still kept on Yoshiki’s back, ‘Hikaru’ could feel that his heart was beating fast.
“Then why are yer so scared?”
What ‘Hikaru’ didn’t know was that Yoshiki wasn’t afraid of him; Yoshiki was afraid of his own self. Because he found himself being fine with it every time that black mass from inside ‘Hikaru’ touched him.
And what Yoshiki failed to realise was that it wasn’t the air that suffocated him, but it was his own guilt and conscience. He was too afraid of going against what’s moral.
Before he could even hear the answer from Yoshiki, the bell rang. The recess was over. The sounds of footsteps in the hallway worried him. He knew very well that Yoshiki didn’t want anybody to see him in this state. Not even Maki, Yuki or Asako.
“Yoshiki, let’s go to the infirmary.” He wrapped his fingers around Yoshiki’s wrist and pulled him up. Then, ‘Hikaru’ grabbed the plastic bag with his other hand and hastened his steps towards the door. But then the door was pulled open, revealing a tall, short-haired girl. It was Asako. Yoshiki was dumbfounded; his mind couldn’t process what was happening. He quickly looked away and tilted his head downward, avoiding the girl’s eyes.
“Hikaru, Yoshiki. Where are ya guys goin’? The recess is over,” she asked. ‘Hikaru’ was trying to make up an excuse in his head, while Yoshiki was just standing quietly, his wrist still in ‘Hikaru’s’ grip.
“Err.. Yoshiki isn’t feeling well suddenly. So I wanna take him to the infirmary.” It wasn’t fully a lie though. Asako bent forward a bit to look at Yoshiki’s face more closely. Luckily, his long bangs hid his face pretty well.
“Ohh, is that so? Ya might have a fever, ya’re sweating and yer ears are red..” she guessed, after examining him for a second. She couldn’t see his face and could only guess from his ear and the side of his neck.
“Yeahh.. Yer right, Asako. We need to be quick, cuz I think he’s gonna faint..” ‘Hikaru’ knew this situation was very uncomfortable for Yoshiki, so he tried to cut it short as much as he could.
“Oh, that would be bad! Rest well, Yoshiki,” she gasped, hands on her mouth. She felt bad for holding them back.
“Hmm.” That was all Yoshiki could say. He was afraid that she might hear his trembling voice, so he just stayed quiet the whole time.
They walked past her at the door and quickly headed for the infirmary. It took some time for them to arrive as they were walking against the flow of hundreds of students in the hallway. But thankfully, there was no one in the infirmary.
‘Perfect,’ ‘Hikaru’ thought. He locked the door as soon as they got in and helped the other boy sit properly on the bed. He went to the nurse’s desk and took some tissues.
“Here, take this. Yer sweating buckets." He handed over the tissues to Yoshiki. Yet he didn't move, his head down, looking at his feet dangling over the side of the bed. The weather was oppressively hot today. The infirmary only had two old, rusty fans near the patient’s beds, and they did little to cut through the stifling air.
The growing silence, along with the raging heat in the room, made ‘Hikaru’ let out a heavy sigh. He was sitting across from him on the other bed.
“Ya really don’t give a shit about yourself, huh?” He got off the bed and walked towards him, closing the distance between them. “Huh?” Yoshiki was aghast at the sudden movement from him. ‘Hikaru’ leaned in closer until his crimson eyes were all Yoshiki could see.
“Ya let yourself tremble in fear, looking pale and sick like a corpse. Ya don’t even care that yer lips are dried and almost white, or yer face and body are drenched in sweat.” His eyes were squinting as he spoke, his voice almost like a whisper. His crimson eyes were gleaming at Yoshiki, causing the boy to look away.
“Whyy? Why do ya punish yourself like that..? What kind of sin have ya done?” Those questions struck him like lightning, burning his mind to a crisp.
“Is it because of me? Does being with me feel like a sin to ya??” His voice turned melancholy. But his eyes remained sharp, locked on him.
Yoshiki wished to admit that out loud, but it stuck in his throat. He was afraid of what would happen if he admitted it.
‘Hikaru’ brought his face to rest on Yoshiki's shoulder, his right hand placed on the other boy's nape, his thumb softly caressing it. He had never done this to anyone, yet it felt so natural. Not even the real Hikaru had ever been this close and intimate with Yoshiki, but this act, this closeness, felt like the most right thing in the world.
“...do ya hate me, Yoshiki?” he asked, voice low as though he was murmuring to himself. But it was impossible for Yoshiki to not hear it. He slightly jolted at the question, feeling bad that he had made him ask something like that. His fingers, cold as ice and shaking terribly, slowly reached out to the other boy.
“N-no.. I do like ya, Hikaru.” He tugged his fingers on the fabric of his shirt, his voice sounding so fragile, as if it was about to break.
“I like ya too, Yoshiki. I like ya, a lot.” ‘Hikaru’ breathed into Yoshiki’s ear, and those words rang in his head. It made him feel something, a pressure in his chest that made him want to burst.
Though they were so close already, ‘Hikaru’ managed to lean in even further until his lips brushed against Yoshiki’s earlobe, the touch making him shiver.
“I am no boy, Yoshiki. I am not Hikaru, not even a human.” If Yoshiki could describe how ‘Hikaru’s voice felt all this time, it felt like silk. Soft and captivating.
“I already know that. So what..?” ‘Hikaru’ chuckled. Of course Yoshiki knew it; he was the first person to know.
“This world is a small, fearful place. I don’t belong to it, and you don’t have to either. So there’s no sin in it. Liking me is not a sin.” He knew Yoshiki liked the real Hikaru, and after almost a year disguising himself as Hikaru, he learned from their friends that liking someone of your gender is a sin. Committing such unforgivable and unacceptable sin would cause him to be shunned. His family is already the talk of the town, and if his sexuality were to be known, it would only cause more damage.
Judging and meddling in people’s sin was what most humans loved to do.
“And how can ya be so sure of that? What makes ya think I like ya in that way? And how can ya be sure it's not a sin?” Yoshiki wasn’t fully convinced by him yet, finding it hard to believe the bizarre words coming from ‘Hikaru’s’ mouth.
“Then, in what way do ya like me actually?” he asked back. Yoshiki couldn’t give him the answer, because it could not—and never could be—platonic. And ‘Hikaru’ had noticed this long ago. “So.. Do ya like me, the same way as I do?”
‘Hikaru’ carved out a smile upon hearing that question, exposing his snaggled tooth. He pulled away from the boy’s shoulder, then looked straight into his eyes again. “Yeah, I do.”
‘Is this what confessing yer love feels like?’ they wondered.
“Yoshiki. Even if this is a sin— though nothing has ever tainted yer bright, stunning soul— I will bear that sin with ya, just as ya vowed to do the same for me the other day.” His hand wiped Yoshiki’s long bangs to the side, so that he could see his face clearly. He took in the sight of his red and puffy eyes, his slightly flushed cheeks and nose, the tears tracing paths down his cheeks, the moles scattered across his face like a constellation, his trembling, dried lips— Aahh, he is sickeningly enchanting. He was also glad that his face wasn’t pale anymore, maybe he had calmed down a little.
There would be days when Yoshiki was the one who was consoling, and ‘Hikaru’ was the brat, but there were also days when Yoshiki was the brat, and ‘Hikaru’ was the other. They weren’t that different after all.
“Don’t torture yourself no more. Just come to me, I’m always here for ya," ‘Hikaru’ cooed, his hands cupping Yoshiki’s cheeks.
Yoshiki would never have expected this whole situation to happen. The heat in the room was a constant reminder that this was reality, yet it felt too surreal. He wasn’t prepared for this. He didn’t know how he should react. ‘Hikaru’ had been carrying the conversation since the beginning, because he knew Yoshiki was bad at it.
Hikaru had never been too physical, and though he was very close with him, their relationship was nothing more than normal guys’ friendship. Hikaru was a strong person, both physical and mental. He was loved by many around him and never seemed to struggle. Not a single tear had ever been shed from his eyes. Not a single weakness ever shown. And no matter how hard Yoshiki tried, he could never read him. Hikaru was a closed book. It felt ironic that he was so much harder for Yoshiki to understand, even though they were both human.
Or maybe he was never even human to start with—a bakemono, a monster. Something that didn’t belong to this place. That’s what he was.
But, ‘Hikaru’ had never been afraid to touch him. He wanted Yoshiki to feel him, understand him. ‘Hikaru’ was otherworldly strong; he couldn't be destroyed. Yet he was so fragile and always at the edge of breaking down, if Yoshiki were to be separated from him. He was never ashamed of showing his emotions or letting Yoshiki know his weakness, if it meant he could understand what Yoshiki was feeling. Yoshiki knew him inside out, because that was what ‘Hikaru’ wished from him.
In this world full of oddness, ‘Hikaru’ made him feel he deserved to belong somewhere.
He did want to breathe the same air as ‘Hikaru’, but why did it feel so agonizing? Why was he drowning in it?
“But, Hikaru..” He wrapped his cold fingers around ‘Hikaru’s’ wrists and pulled his hand away. He took a shaky breath.
“This feels so wrong for me.. It is as if I am with the real Hikaru and not you. Because you were inside him, all I can see is his body.. And I kinda feel bad about it.” Yoshiki thought that his words might hurt him, but instead of offense, all he saw was a shady grin spreading across ‘Hikaru’s’ face. He seemed happy with it and showed no signs of being offended at all.
What’s even more concerning was that he suddenly started to unbutton his uniform.
“H-hikaru..?” Yoshiki shuddered. He pushed himself further to the end of the bed, until his back met the wall.
“If that’s what yer worried about, then I can just show ya my inside. Anytime ya wanna feel it or touch it… just tell me. I am more than happy to do so,” he offered, crawling onto the bed and closing the distance between them once again.
The slit on his chest opened, releasing a huge, tendril-like black mass that made its way toward the other boy. Yoshiki started to breathe rapidly again, his chest falling and rising at an uncontrollable pace. He tried to cover his face with his arms, though he knew it did literally nothing.
“W-wait, Hikaru! I think we shouldn’t— what if we uhh—” He ran out of excuses to give, and now he was utterly defenseless.
“If we what, Yoshiki? Are yer scared of me… I thought ya said ya wanna look at me.” Half of his face was already melted into the black goo. His tendrils had already reached his uniform, snaking underneath the fabric.
“...no, I’m not scared. Not at all,” Yoshiki said, bracing himself for what was to come.
“Good. Now feel me, look at me all ya want..” It wrapped around every part of Yoshiki’s face and body, went inside and filled every single cavity that he had.
‘Crap, this is bad. This is bad. This is bad. This.. isn’t..’ Perhaps this wasn’t that bad after all. The tendrils felt warm on his skin, though they were actually cold— maybe because he was so cold and pale earlier. Every inch of him was now covered by ‘Hikaru’ and somehow it brought him comfort. It felt as if they were one and it didn’t feel strange at all.
Just what would happen if they mixed up even more? He tried to think it through, but it felt like it didn’t matter anymore. Kurebayashi-san must have had her reasons and knew something, but right now— he had his own priorities. If it might endanger the town, then they would figure a way out together to save everyone.
“Hikaru…” Yoshiki muttered under his breath. His mind went completely blank, eyes hazy and teary.
“Easy, Yoshiki. I ain’t gonna kill ya. Just think of this as our first kiss,” ‘Hikaru’ tried to reassure the boy, all while enjoying the sight of Yoshiki becoming completely his.
Yeah, his first kiss. Yoshiki’s most crazy, unbelievably extreme first kiss. Not a single movie had ever portrayed a kiss with a non-human creature like this. It was a thing that only the two of them knew and had.
“Nghh.. yeah, but can we kiss like how normal people would do..?” he asked, while trying to keep his composure— though he was on the verge of losing his mind.
“Why, ya don’t like this? I thought I just wanna show ya my way—” ‘Hikaru’ quickly pulled away and retracted his black tendrils back inside him. “No! I.. just wanna try it out.. with ya.. the kiss,” he said, clearing up the misunderstanding immediately.
“...ohh, is that what ya mean?” The corner of his lips went upward. Blood rushed to his cheeks, making him look all flushed. He tried to cover the expression on his face with his palm.
“W-what are ya getting all red and embarrassed for, I only asked for.. a.. kiss..” Yoshiki’s voice trailed off as he could also feel his own cheeks getting hot and flushed.
Silence once again filled the room. ‘Hikaru’ gazed at Yoshiki intently, gulping. Meanwhile, Yoshiki looked away, embarrassed by his own request. ‘Hikaru’ towered over him, one hand placed on the wall behind Yoshiki and the other rested gently on the boy beneath him.
His fingers traced a slow path along his jawline, admiring him with all his heart— no, with all his existence was more accurate. “Yoshiki, can I…?” His thumb pressed against Yoshiki’s lower lip gently.
“Hmm,” he breathed, giving a small nod.
‘Hikaru’ lowered his head, both of them closing their eyes as they waited for their lips to meet. The kiss was firm and lingering. It sent sparks through them both— leaving the white-haired boy intrigued, and the other so overwhelmed he shed tears again. Two exactly opposite reactions, though they were feeling totally over the moon.
His hand drifted to the back of Yoshiki’s head, holding it firmly. Then he bit his lower lip, prying it open to let his tongue sweep inside and trace every part of his mouth. Yoshiki gasped in surprise, involuntarily opening his mouth wider. ‘Hikaru’ seized the chance to deepen the kiss. Yoshiki felt like he was being consumed alive. He wasn’t expecting that their kiss would escalate so quickly.
“Aahh— Hikaru, stopp—” He tried to push the boy away. But ‘Hikaru’ was quick to catch his hands and pin them above his head.
“Relax, Yoshiki. Just breathe,” he said, that sneaky smile still plastered on his face.
“Ahh… H-Hikaru,” Yoshiki moaned, though that wasn’t what he intended to do.
“Mmhm, good… yer enjoying it,” he said, mistaking the moan for his name. It was his first time kissing a human, but he was enjoying it so much that he couldn’t believe it was real. He paid no mind at all to the boy who was struggling under him.
“Hikaru, stop!” Yoshiki had no choice but to kick him in the stomach. The blow broke ‘Hikaru’s grip, sending him stumbling back onto the floor. He wiped the drool from his mouth with the back of his hand, his fingers brushing against his swollen, bruised lip.‘Hikaru’ looked at him with a pout. He was visibly disappointed.
“Hey, why do ya push me away..? I just wanna give ya the best kiss, ya know. Like those in the movies,” he said, feeling hurt by what Yoshiki did.
Yoshiki held his arm and pulled him up. They were now sitting facing each other. He helped tidy up ‘Hikaru’s’ messy hair and disheveled uniform.
“Stop spitting bullshit, ya jerk.” He pulled ‘Hikaru’ in by the collar, crashing their lips together in a quick, stunning peck.
“Yes, I did ask for a kiss and I don’t hate it at all. But ya need to take things slow, don’t rush in so suddenly.”
'Hikaru' gave a slow, understanding nod. “Alright…” Humans are fragile, thus he needed to be gentle and careful with them. He didn’t want Yoshiki to feel uncomfortable when he was with him.
“What do I do with the bruise on my lips? I can’t go out like this.” Yoshiki would never step out of the room and let other students— especially their friends— see this. ‘Hikaru’ took a quick look at the bruise, then put his fingers on it, allowing the black tendrils to seep out and cover the bruised lips. Yoshiki sat still, watching the black mass emit a bright light that almost blinded him. After a couple seconds, it retracted back into ‘Hikaru’.
“There ya go, look good and tempting as ever,” he said, feeling proud of his work.
“Yeahh, ya better not do that again.” Yoshiki warned, glaring at the white-haired boy.
There were still a couple hours left before school ended. They didn’t want to go back to class, and they couldn’t go home early either, so they decided to just lay on the bed together to kill time. Even though they had taken a step further in their relationship and were no longer merely friends, everything still felt as normal as before. In their free time, they would still be talking about their favourite manga series or going to explore new things together. It was the same thing, yet he wasn’t the same person. Hikaru wasn’t here anymore and he already accepted it. He was determined to move on and live his life with ‘Hikaru’, no matter what he was.
Therefore, it was a first for both of them, doing these things with each other.
“Hey, wanna go watch some movie this weekend?” Yoshiki asked. He was lying down beside ‘Hikaru’, head resting comfortably on his arm. Meanwhile, ‘Hikaru’ was lying on his side, facing Yoshiki.
“Ouu~ are ya asking me out for a date right now?” ‘Hikaru’ asked back teasingly, glancing at the boy with a cheeky grin. “H-huh?!” Yoshiki immediately looked away, face reddened.
“What are ya talkin’ bout? Go to hell, fool.” He felt so embarrassed when ‘Hikaru’ pointed it out. It was a natural thing, right? Going out on a date with the person you love? Even if Yoshiki himself thought he wasn’t very human, he still had desires. Of course he wanted to try out what other couples were doing on a date.
“...but I don’t feel like watching movies, ya know.”
“That’s rare for ya to say…” Yoshiki was a bit surprised at his words. He thought maybe even a monster would get sick of doing the same thing after some time. “Then, is there any place ya wanna go?”
‘Hikaru’ switched his position, lying on his chest with his chin propped on one hand, his feet kicking playfully back and forth in the air. He had seen so many interesting places on the internet that he wanted to try out.
“Do ya know that place where we can explore the ocean from behind a glass? Aqua… something… quari?”
“Ya mean the aquarium? I’ve never been there either, let’s go together this weekend.” An aquarium date. Their first date. Yoshiki tried hard to hide his excitement, masking it with his usual stern face. But ‘Hikaru’ was different. His face lit up, eyes sparkling with anticipation.
“Yoshiki, can we hold hands together on the date?”
“I’m fine with it, but we can’t do it in crowded places, okay?” he said. It was not that Yoshiki didn’t like it, but he wasn’t ready for others to figure them out. And even though ‘Hikaru’ didn’t actually quite understand the reason behind it, he still agreed. “Okayy.” He himself couldn’t understand why couples hold hands. What did it do for them? He never held hands with anyone, but nothing ever happened when he touched someone’s hand. The only reason he asked for it was because he knew Yoshiki wanted it but he was too shy to ask.
‘Hikaru’ s’ gaze fell onto the boy lying beside him. Yoshiki was just staring out the window, his view softened by a thin layer of curtain. A breeze slipped through the opening, setting the fabric adrift, and his eyes followed its gentle dance. He seemed calm, though his expression was unreadable.
The sun was no longer blazing, its rays hindered by a sky crowded with thick clouds. The world was cast in a dim, serene light, and the whispering wind made the cozy atmosphere feel complete. The world suddenly didn’t seem as grey and dull as it used to be in Yoshiki’s eyes. The deafening noise in his head had subsided, and the air was no longer choking him. It felt like magic to him. He finally had a place he belonged to on this Earth. He didn’t care if it would be temporary or not— although it scares him so much— he would still choose this path even if he was reborn or reincarnated for a thousand times more.
‘Hikaru’ had given half of himself, lowering himself so that he could stand beside Yoshiki. Therefore, should Yoshiki mind losing a bit of his own humanity if it meant he could stay with him? Their exchange was incomparable, yet it was what made them fit together.
“Yoshiki, I don’t really get what I’m feeling… But I wanna kiss ya again so bad,” he said, his eyes gleaming as the dim sunlight washed over his face. He pulled Yoshiki closer into his embrace and took in the sight of the face he could never resist.
“I thought ya said ya don’t have those desires…” Yoshiki had remembered ‘Hikaru’ said that he never felt any desire for food, sleep or sex. He didn’t need it; he only did it because he wanted to. But it might not be the case this time.
“Meh, I don’t know. All I care about is what I want in front of me right now.” And what he wanted was Yoshiki, who looked too tempting to simply look at. He wished to show the boy his admiration in every way he possibly could. And so their lips clashed again, both of them already feeling adjusted to it.
How could Yoshiki ever say that the air suffocates him, when he gets to breathe the same air as ‘Hikaru’? Maybe if he just got rid of his fears long before, breathing and living wouldn’t be such a pain to him. Yet none of this was possible if he was alone. If ‘Hikaru’ hadn’t taught him how to breathe— how to face his own self, he would have died of stroke.
So, even if they will be punished for what they did, they would bear the sin just for a moment of happiness with each other.