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14th October 1914
This is not an entry I believed I would make so soon. Perhaps so soon is not the right thing to say. I knew this day would come, but you cannot prepare for every inevitable. Writing has helped me sort my thoughts in the past, perhaps if I write out the events, it can help me handle my own grief. I’ve never been good at handling the emotions of others, and dare I say I am worse at handling my own.
The day began as it always has these past few months. Shadow is given his pick of breakfast in bed as I massage the faerie salve into his joints. Even with the Word, Shadow has still grown weaker with time. Nowadays, he rarely leaves the apartment on his own. Wendell will occasionally have the servants bring him down to the garden, “You may enjoy staying cooped up inside with your books, but everyone deserves some fresh air every now and then.” He’d say. I hate to agree with him, but the garden does always seem to cheer Shadow up a bit. Even if he mainly lies on his bed, occasionally sniffing the air. Lately, Wendell has brought the garden inside for poor Shadow. Bluebells line his bed, vines creep up the walls, and the air smells of wildflowers.
Once finished breakfast, Shadow slumped to his side with a sigh. I buried my face in his fur, listening to his rough yet steady breathing for a time. I asked the servants to let him rest, then bring him to the garden for lunch. I noted nothing out of the ordinary with Shadow aside from the fact that Orga had curled herself right on top of him. I thought it odd, but other than holding back the urge to shoo her away, as the two never got along, I let it be and continued on with my day. Perhaps what they say about animals knowing ahead of time is true.
The day went smoothly enough. I had breakfast with Wendell as we discussed the plans for the day. Wendell wanted to take me out for a picnic to Silverlily lake. The lake has become a favorite of ours to share a meal or when we wish for a moment away from the castle without traveling too far. There is some irony in our favorite picnic spot being where Wendell has died that he always makes light of, but I do not wish to talk about that. No, I need to continue.
Wendell wished to take me to Silverlily for lunch and I agreed. The snails that originally lived in Queen Anne’s Isle have now taken residence surrounding the lake. Wendell has ordered their protection for their aid in taking down Queen Arna. I’ve been studying their own innate magic and their “crude intelligence” as Wendell describes. This would give a chance to study their behavior as they seem to be building some sort of crude structure, the purpose of which not even Wendell knows.
We sat by the lake with our lunch, Wendell was chastising me as I drew sketches of the snails, “Em, please. Come enjoy the view! You do not need to be taking notes every second of every day. The snails are patient creatures, you can wait until tomorrow to continue your interrogations.”
I rolled my eyes at him before finishing up the sketch and taking a seat next to him on the picnic cloth, “I simply wish to record the process of this structure they’re creating. Perhaps they are sharing their thanks for their protection?”
Wendell leaned back, “Perhaps, but-”
“Your majesty!” Before Wendell could finish, a brownie interrupted us.
“Now is not the time.” Wendell sharply responded.
“It's… It's Shadow!” They squeaked out. Wendell and I glanced at each other and he took my arm. Before I knew it, we were back in the gardens. I had to adjust for a moment - I didn't think I'd ever get used to walking through trees.
I was quickly snapped back to reality as I witnessed the chaos around me. Faeries of all sizes were running around, many shouting and screaming. Almost a dozen faeries were gathered around Shadow, arguing with each other on what to do with him. I ran over, “Give him space! Go!” I shooed them away and knelt next to Shadow. He was weakly howling. Orga was forcefully rubbing her head into his side. I went to shoo her away too, but Wendell stopped me.
“She cares for him too, in her own way.” He said. I didn't respond, instead wrapping my arms around Shadow's neck. He kept howling, I could feel as his chest rose unsteadily before letting out another weak howl. Wendell knelt down and put his hand on Shadow's muzzle, “Come now, old boy. What has got you in such a mood.” He asked softly.
“He knows.” I barely spoke in a whisper. I wasn't even sure if Wendell heard me.
Wendell stood back up, “Someone get the doctor!” He shouted out. I grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly, still keeping my other hand on Shadow. He looked down at me, I can't imagine I looked very queenly at that moment, but I've long since given that up.
“They can't do anything. We can't do anything.” I could barely speak. Wendell knelt back down, wrapping me in a hug as I leant back down over Shadow, “It's time.”
Shadow kept howling, each breath taking longer than the last. Soon, his size grew as his glamour vanished. He grew so large that we had to back up. I moved to his head, putting my hands on his muzzle which was now so large his nose was nearly the size of my whole hand. He was in his true form now, a form I had only seen thrice before. “I'm here, Shadow.” I whispered. He had gone fully blind last year with his hearing following soon after, but he could still smell better than any. He paused his howling to sniff my hands and his tongue enveloped my arms. I could hear his giant tail thumping on the ground behind him as he whimpered weakly. I hugged him tightly, as though some part of me thought if I held him tight enough, the life wouldn't leave him.
His tail continued to wag but his whimpers grew soft. I listened to each wheezing breath, each taking longer than the last. Wendell joined me again, rubbing his head, and whispering in his ear. I couldn't make out what he was saying, but I could recognize the sing-song tone of faerie. When I asked later, he said it was an old tradition to give a prayer to fae who die of old age. It is rare to witness the death of a hellhound; to witness one to die of old age was almost unheard of. The best I could translate what he told Shadow is, “Age gives wisdom to all. Age gives memories to all. Age takes from all. Let it take you in peace.”
I cannot tell how much time had passed before
15th October
I have locked myself in the cabin. I have been trying to allow myself to be comforted by Wendell, but it is painful to grieve in front of others. I have never been able to understand how feelings are able to cause physical pain, but it is too painful to be around others right now. Wendell sent Niamh to check on me, but I sent her away. I am trying to bury myself in my work, but I keep reaching down to pet Shadow only for my hand to touch nothing. I'm back to journaling to keep my thoughts together.
After Wendell whispered the prayer to Shadow, it wasn't long before his tail stopped wagging with his whimpering following soon after. I could no longer hear his breathing nor feel his breath. I held him tightly as his skin grew cold. I do not know how much time passed before Wendell rested his hand on my shoulder.
“Em, let's head inside. I'll have some brownies bring his body inside for a proper funeral.” I reluctantly stood up, staring at Shadow before Wendell gently led me away. I felt numb in the moment, still believing he would stand back up and follow me at my side. I know how illogical this may sound, but I almost wanted to ask Wendell to go into his shadow and reclaim him. I knew better, I doubted it would work on a creature that dies of old age and even then, he would still be suffering blind and deaf and barely able to walk. As I write this, I wonder if black hounds have their own black hounds to guide them into death. The thought almost makes me smile, thinking of Shadow returning to his kin. There are no published papers on the death of a black hound, and based on the crowd I can't imagine many fae have witnessed one either.
After Wendell brought me inside, I hugged him tightly, burying my face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around me so gently I wondered if he thought I'd shatter if handled too harshly. I am reminded of how I felt when I lost him, but this time I had no magical plan that could bring Shadow back. No back doors, no words of power, nothing that could fix this situation. I felt lost, hopeless and still do now. I only looked up as they brought Shadow's body inside. It took at least ten faeries to bring him in, placing him on a large table I hadn't even noticed was set up.
Wendell was still holding me close, “We have our own traditions, but he was your hound. I want you to decide what you would like from us.” He spoke softly. I stared up at him. At that moment, I didn't think I could decide what I wanted to eat, let alone the funeral rites. “Not right now, of course!” He corrected himself, “Now is the time to grieve. We will handle everything, when you are ready, let us know what you want done.”
“I want him buried at Cambridge.” I spoke louder than I meant, but getting any words out was a struggle, “I want him buried under his favorite trees on campus.” With his glamour gone, I wasn't sure if it was possible but it was what I wanted.
Wendell looked shocked, perhaps surprised by my request or surprised I could muster a response. His face softened, “Then it shall be done.”
That was three days ago. We were planned to leave for Cambridge today, but I cannot do it. I don't want to bring him back to Cambridge; burying him would mean giving up, that he's truly gone and nothing can be done to bring him back. I am angry with how quick I responded that I wanted to bring Shadow back to Cambridge. It is what I want, but I'm still not ready. I'm not ready to face my colleagues, I'm not ready to give him up, I'm not ready to face Wendell after running away again. I hope he knows I am not upset with him. If anything, I am upset at myself for allowing my emotions to take control. We've known this was coming for a long time, I was prepared with plans but I've gone and thrown everything out the window by running away again. Perhaps when Wendell inevitably sends Niamh again, I will write him a letter so he knows I am not upset with him.
18th October
It has been three days since I last wrote in this journal. I didn't get a chance to give Niamh a letter as my next visitor was Wendell. I had heard a knock on the door and opened it, assuming it was Niamh checking in on me again. Instead, Wendell stood in the doorway with a solemn look on his face. I froze, staring at him.
“Em.” He said softly, approaching me.
“I-I didn't want to face anyone, I wanted to prepare myself, I-” I was interrupted as Wendell hugged me tightly.
“It's alright, Em. I can never be mad at you. I only want to keep you safe.”
I started sobbing, gripping at his shirt like a child. I didn't even realize how much I was bottling everything up. My knees buckled underneath me, and Wendell holding me up was the only reason I was still standing. He took me to the bedroom where we held each other for some time as I cried uncontrollably.
I do not remember falling asleep, but I must have as later I woke up in bed. Wendell was lying beside me, playing with my hair. “I'm sorry.” I muttered before burying my face in the pillow. My face felt warm with embarrassment.
“There is nothing to apologize for, Em.” Wendell responded. I gave no response to which he continued, “Do you forget that we are married? My purpose as your husband is to comfort you in these trying times, just as you have done for me!”
“I've never comforted you.” I looked over at him with one eye, keeping most of my face in the pillow.
“And that's where you're wrong, Em. You comfort me every day by simply being at my side. I'd have died of boredom if I were king here without you. And there wouldn't be anyone to bring me back this time.” Wendell took my hand, “You've saved me, you've saved my kingdom. I don't need hugs and cheesy words of affirmation to be comforted by you. You've been my voice of reason, my darling who will always have my back. So please, Em. Please allow me to comfort you as well.”
I felt tears welling up in my eyes. He was right, and I hated it. I hated how affected I am by my emotions, I hated how out of control I felt, “I miss him. I didn't think this would affect me so harshly.”
“It's understandable for you to be upset. We all miss him, but he was yours so it makes sense you're feeling the hardest. But that is also why I'm not allowing you to feel this pain by yourself. Now, let us continue to rest. I could certainly use another nap after having to practically carry you to the bedroom.” I pushed his shoulder, and threw an extra pillow at his head. Wendell laughed, “There's the Em I know. But truly, let us rest. Cambridge can wait, we can leave when you are ready.”
I moved closer to Wendell, placing my head against his chest. Despite having just awoken, I was still exhausted. Sleep was easy to find, and I was out as soon as I shut my eyes.
The following day, we went to Cambridge. Wendell wore a glamour so he could keep his facade as another missing dryadologist. The fanfare was as expected, but I was able to avoid most questions by using the excuse I was grieving too much to answer questions. I'm still not sure how Wendell was able to convince the campus to allow us to bury Shadow, especially on such a short notice. When we arrived, the grave was already dug and two fae disguised as humans were carrying Shadow whose glamour has returned. There was a crowd of students and professors alike who came to watch as his body was lowered into the grave.
Farris Rose approached me, “I'm sorry for your loss, Shadow was quite a dog.”
“You don't plan on giving me some lecture, do you?” I asked with more malice in my words than I meant.
“This is a funeral, even I know better than to lecture you here. Aside from that, I do not believe you'd listen to any advice I attempt to give you at this point. I am simply here to give you my condolences. Ariadne would have come, but she is currently stuck in the United States.”
“It's an untapped well over there.” I replied, “Few dryadologists have traveled there, I've seen almost no papers from the Americas.”
Farris sighed, “That's why she's there. Your brother has sent many letters to your office.”
“Truly?” I asked, rolling my eyes, “I can only imagine he's somehow blaming me for her travels.”
“I'm sure those letters can be dealt with some other time. He'll understand if you take a while to reply.”
“No he won't.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, “But it can wait.” I looked back over at the grave where the fae were hard at work filling it back up. The hole was about two meters deep so it would take some time before he was fully buried. “I better at least collect those letters before I leave.”
“I'll try to stop any prying students from following you.” Farris responded.
I gave him a small nod and headed to my office. Although it's been a few months since I last visited Cambridge, my office remained spotless without a single mote of dust. It was the one charm I allowed Wendell to keep in my office to stop dust from forming on any surface. It made it easier to come back without worrying about constantly sneezing before giving up and dusting. There were at least half a dozen letters stacked on my desk, most of which were from my brother, as expected. I stuck them all in my pack, deciding I'll deal with my brother's vitriol at a later date.
I sat at my desk and stared out the window for some time. I could see the grave from my office where the crowd was slowly dispersing. I decided to wait in here a while longer, drained from all the questioning. I wanted to head back to the castle and collapse into bed. It would only take an hour or so before we could leave. I could handle the attention for a while longer.
“Mind if I crash this party?” My thoughts were interrupted by someone wearing a green suit with short brown hair. I didn't recognize him at first until I noticed his green eyes.
“Hello Wendell.” I let out a sigh, knowing some random student didn't sneak in.
Wendell came over and rested his arms on my shoulders, “Took me a moment to get past Rose. I had to charm him to let me by.” He chuckled.
“Wendell!” I shouted, “You know how charms affect him now!”
“Don't worry, I barely used any magic on him! He'll just think he turned me away.”
I gave a disgruntled noise, “You know how I feel about charming people.”
“I just wanted to come see where my little dragon has run off to.” He kissed me on my cheek, “I was checking that you weren't planning on running home without me.”
“Not that I could.” I hugged his arm, holding it against my cheek, “I do wish to return home now, but I would also like to wait until Shadow is fully buried.”
“Alas, I don't think it would be a good idea to ask the ground to close the hole itself with so many witnesses.” Wendell fixed some of my stray hairs with his free hand, “So unfortunately we just need to do it the old fashioned way. Although if you do wish to leave, I'm sure no one would be offended.”
“I might just take you up on that. I don't know if I can deal with any more condolences. Especially as half of them are for you.”
“Ah, I did put you in a bit of a pickle, did I not? For that I do apologize, but I think it'd be easier than me miraculously returning without a word. I wonder if I wait long enough if I could get as much fanfare as De Gray did.”
“Gods, I don't even want to think of that.” I groaned.
“Then I shall remain hidden! I suppose it is a bonus that you do not like public displays of affection or some may believe you have found a new man to marry!”
I shook my head, I have no interest in becoming any more of a gossip topic than I already am. I looked up at Wendell, “I think I'm ready to leave.” I said.
“Then let us not dally a minute longer.” With that, Wendell and I snuck back to the door near campus, being sure to avoid any more attention. I knew I could visit Shadow any time I came back to campus, hopefully with less visitors next time. I also felt comfort knowing that Wendell would be there for me even in my darkest moments.
It has been some days since we've buried Shadow. I have returned to the castle, but still stay in our bedroom most of the time. I know grief is a slow process, but with Wendell I've been able to take it one day at a time.