Chapter Text
Our mission was simple, a supposed grade two curse on the outskirts of a local village. Seems like something Haibara and I can do together. We've taken on grade two curses before, so it shouldn't be that hard.
"You hear that, Nanami? We get a few days out there. It'll be nice to see what's out there before we go into the forest," Haibara whispers to me, still trying to listen to the brief by Yaga. I nod to him, we've never been shy of seeing how other people live. I've always admired the cultural aspect of how people prepare their food, Haibara likes seeing their traditions. We've always been two sides of the same coin, we like different points of people, the way they interact with each other and their community, the way of celebration. It might sound a bit weird, especially since both of us were scouted and not born into this like Gojo was, but it's something both of us can't help but like.
"You two hear that? If either one of you falls, you are ordered to run away. We're unsure of the grade of this curse, we suspect it to be a grade two, but we aren't sure of it," Yaga instructed. "You two are going out there in a week, so prepare accordingly."
Yaga leaves us two alone and Haibara immediately chimes up, "A week, huh? And we're only out there for a few days, that's a little upsetting, but I'm sure the locals will let us in on their celebrations once the curse is exorcised!"
"I hope so, most villages near forests or mountains usually have to source the food by hunting and gathering, but yet each village has their own way of pairing herbs and spices, it'll be nice to figure out how they do things in a region that's able to both hunt and gather, while also being close to merchants and traders," I gushed, trying, very horribly, to hide my excitement of the food more than the mission we're assigned on.
Haibara laughs, "Nanami! Don't tell me you're just fantasizing about food now! We still have a week before we're even going there!"
I laugh with him. Haibara, the seemingly one good thing that's happening currently. Between Geto slowly distancing himself from jujutsu sorcery, Gojo becoming the strongest, and Gojo going on high ranked missions without Geto anymore; it's often just empty around here. Sure Ieiri is here since she's the only one who can use reverse cursed technique consistently and apply it to others, but often it's just been the first year, Ijichi, Haibara, and me. We don't know Ijichi's technique, or if he's just someone with a hold on it so they're giving him formal training, either way it's been me and Haibara, and I'm fine with it just being us two.
Within the days before the mission, we started looking over the area the curse was spotted in, "So they practice a form of religion with a guardian deity?" I question, "Shouldn't they be protected by that deity?"
"Probably, but a loss of faith could lead to the deity losing its strength. Maybe that's what's happening," Haibara answers. I suppose it could be true, but I have a bit of skepticism. A sudden loss of faith means that something must've happened within the community, but maybe it's just my nerves that are making me tense. We'll be fine, we've handled grade two's before, we got this.
The day comes and we venture up the mountain, taking a bus to its halfway point before walking into the forest. After a few hours, we arrive at the village and I note that the barrier is weakened, but I ignore that feeling when I see Haibara lighting up.
"Nanami! They're celebrating for us!" Haibara chimes "Oh my goodness, they have a dance, and the fire's been lit! Come on, Nanami! Come on!" Haibara starts dragging me by the arm. The rest of the evening was us getting used to the village, the food is similar to what I've tasted of these regions, but still good. Haibara easily got accepted into what the villagers were doing. Maybe one of these days, I'll join him in dancing and be as excited as he is, but for now I look on as the community welcomes us with song and dance.
We get into an empty hut and start unpacking our supplies. I sigh as I lean back against the wall near him, "Did you forget something?" Haibara asks, "I have extras of a few things if you need them."
"No, no it's not that, just that I've been thinking," I start, lowering my head to my knees, "With everything changing in the year above us, I just can't help but wonder if this is right. I mean, helping those who can't help themselves is good, but yet, we're expected to sacrifice ourselves, for what?"
"Geto was talking about that too, and honestly, I don't mind this. I feel like helping others is something I'd risk things for."
"But is it worth risking our lives?" I beg sharply, the conflict I've had in my head for so long slowly bubbling up, "When worst comes to worst, is it selfish to want to keep your life? I don't know what I'd do, on one hand, I know I'm a selfish person, but on the other hand I know I have a duty to protect. When it comes to the second between life and death, I don't know what I'll choose, or if I'll even be aware of it."
"Nanami," Haibara whispers softly, "I don't think any of us will be, and it's not selfish to keep your life."
"But why does it feel like it is? Whenever I think about it, we've been taught to lay down our lives and advise others to do the same. I don't want to die, I have too many regrets about my life, too many that I couldn't rest easily if I did pass on."
Haibara looks at me with his big, soft, brown eyes. Those stupid doe eyes make me forget my troubles temporarily. I just want to stare into them for hours, yet I know that it's wrong, and yet it feels right to me. Maybe it's because me and Haibara were friends almost immediately after entering jujutsu high since we're the only ones of our year. But either way, I just want to hold him and never let him go.
I look back at him, my gaze softening, "Sorry, I'm just a bit anxious, with everything that's happened in the grade above us, it's not surprising that I'm still worrying about everything. You know how I've always been, Haibara," I laugh softly, "God, if I was going to be a mentor to someone, I'd feel bad for them."
"Don't say that, Nanami! You'll be a good teacher if you get to be one."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better, aren't you?"
"I'm not! Come on, you have to have a little faith in yourself!"
I laugh slightly, he's right. I look out the window to see the starry night with no moon in sight. Haibara smiles a little, leaning on the windowsill.
"Didn't realize it was a full moon today," I mutter, "thought we had a few more days before that, must have misremembered the date."
"What's so special about the full moon?" Haibara chirps, "Oh! Is it the blood moon you were talking about?"
I nod, it's a rare phenomenon, so having Haibara by my side during it makes me feel a bit happier. This mission is nice, out in the forest near a village, clear access to the darkened sky. This also seems like an easy mission, maybe we can find the curse easily and then take the remaining time to just stay here, I know I wouldn't be opposed to that.
"Oh! Nanami! I think it's starting! Part of the moon is red!" Haibara chimes. I look up and I see it, the beginning of the blood moon eclipse.
"Yeah, you're right, that's a blood moon," I playfully pat Haibara on top of his head, "good job." Haibara laughs, trying to swat my hand away.
"Nanamin! Stop it!" Haibara continued to laugh, his smile brighter than ever. My heart skips a beat, "Nanamin?" I momentarily freeze, why is such a dumb nickname having this effect on me?
"Oh no!" Haibara chuckles, his laughter dying down a bit, "Did I break Nanamin?" Now he has to be doing this to get a reaction, and I hate to admit it's working. I nod responding to the question, he had broken me, my heart and mind are a mess thanks to one simple nickname.
Haibara breaks back into laughter, my face flushing slightly. "S-stop it." I whimper, my blush creeping further up my face and into the tips of my ears. I try to distract myself from my growing embarrassment by looking to the moon.
Haibara leans his head onto my shoulder and I gently rest my head on his, it calms me down a little. His heart beating in sync with mine, it makes me smile a bit.
"Hey, Haibara?" I mutter.
"Yeah?" Haibara perks up slightly
"Humor me, you get the idea of soulmates Ieiri has been spouting on about? How apparently they're meant to be together to better each other? Do you think we have something like that? I mean, we're sorcerers, do we get these kinds of things? You know... happy endings? ...If so, can you be by my side?"
Haibara, raising his head back off my shoulder, I try hiding the fact I'm a bit saddened by his lack of presence on me. "Course, Nanami, I'll always stay with you, Class of '09 forever!" Haibara said as he hugged me tight.
I return the hug, gently resting my chin against his head. "Nanami, you trapped me..." Haibara frowns playfully.
"I know, I like trapping you. Stay here, I don't trust you to wander off. I know you, you'd manage to get hurt on a table with smooth edges." I smile at him, both of us chuckling at his capture.
Eventually, we both fall asleep in our separate rooms. Something about this place makes me a bit uneasy, maybe just due to the gentle red light the blood moon is giving us. I find Haibara and lay down next to him, no retaliation, we just get closer to each other and sleep through the night.
Haibara wakes first, as he always does, and scouts the area around before waking me. "Come on, Nanamin!" My heart skips a beat at that nickname again, and at such an early hour. He drags me out of my sleeping bag and to my feet. I've always pretended to hate it but I love it when he touches me like that, the gentle touch of his hands against my own.
"I'm coming, hold on, Haibara!" I say, laughing slightly as he drags me across the house the village gave us.
"You need to wake up, Nanami! Today's the day we go and actually see if there's a cursed spirit." Haibara notices my frown, "Nanami... What's wrong? You look more upset than normal."
I shake my head, "I don't know, something about me is saying this is a bad idea. It could just be my nerves, but I don't feel good about this mission." Haibara hugs me from behind, and I hold his arms closer to me.
"You're clingy today, Nanamin, you really don't feel good about this mission?" Haibara jokes, squeezing me a bit tighter. A part of me wishes I could hold him there forever, but he lets go of me so I hesitantly let him go too.
"Mmhm, do you have to let go?" I joke.
Haibara laughs, a genuine and gentle laugh. "Afraid so, Nanami, but I can continue calling you Nanamin." I nod, I like the name, but it's something only he could call me, no one else.
"Fine," I complain, letting go of Haibara. We head out of the cabin and into the village center, where they retell us our mission and we get sent off. Haibara trails behind me, spouting facts about the woods around us. We stop by a river, when Haibara spots two salmon swimming upstream. We sit at the river's edge, Haibara lets his hand glide through the stream, but when I try, my hand can't help but break the waves.
"Try with your fingertips, not your whole hand," Haibara suggests. I remove my hand slightly, but I still break the current. Haibara chuckles, "Guess that's just a part of you, meant to break the tide, make your own path," he smiles softly.
"Maybe, but I don't think I mind." I think about it a little, "Yeah, that... that sounds right for me." We both smile a bit at each other before we gather our stuff together again to search more. We go downstream, using the stream as a guide. Towards the half hour mark of walking downstream, the trees and branches got thicker and more dense than before. I use my wrapped cleaver, using my technique, to cut down the stubborn pieces of forest debris.
Before I was about to comment about the weirdness of that, we then came to a broken and eroded stone altar. We both get a shiver from its mere presence, I raise my cleaver to the altar, waiting for a curse to jump out. Haibara gets the same idea, covering his fists in cursed energy.
"It's supposed to be a Grade Two, in case it either isn't the one we're looking for or it's a different grade than anticipated, stick together." I command, I've always felt like two different people, one for when I'm not in a fight, one for when I am.
Haibara nods, taking cover behind me. We move closer to the altar, Haibara setting up a small barrier. I nod to him as we look through the barrier. Nothing seems too crazily abnormal, until Haibara mentions a trail of residuals.
He dismantles the barrier manually and we follow the trail, quickly and without weapons at the ready. I catch something out of the corner of my eye, "Haibara!" I yell, trying to get his attention. He punches it before it gets close to us, "Saw it!" He confirms.
We cut through the forest, following the residuals away from the altar and further and further away from the village. Something about this makes me uneasy, but we push forward. Haibara looks around the deep forest we're in and states the obvious, "This is pretty thickly dense, you think you could use your Ratio on these?"
"I theoretically could," I start, "but what if we run into something? Ratio is taxing if used too much. If it gets too thick then I'll start. Just deal with it, Bara."
He laughs, "I think I'm the one who should stick with nicknames, Nanamin is better than Bara." I don't have a problem with it, hell, my heart still races slightly when he calls me that.
I laugh, slightly shoving him away, "Quiet you," I poke his forehead. He spins around a little, tripping over a branch. I catch him and for a moment, I get to shamelessly look into his eyes, and I can tell he's doing the same to me.
I set him back upright and try to cover my blush, Haibara smiling behind me. Gods above, I wish I had the courage to stop acting so damn awkward and just spit out what's been repeating in my mind! To just take him into my arms and finally tell myself that it's okay to feel like this.
"Nanamin!" Haibara says a bit aggressively, making me snap out of it purely for the fact I've never heard him even remotely upset.
"What's wrong?" I ask, raising my weapon.
Haibara pushes it down, "You weren't answering me, making sure you're still here with us."
"Yeah, I'm still here, just... lost is all." I lower my weapon till it hangs idly by my side.
Haibara puts his hand on my shoulder, "Nanamin-"
"No," I say, my voice cracking with unspoken emotion, "it's... it's Kento... Kento Nanami... I know I might not be the best person in the world... but please..." I hold onto Haibara's hand, the rest of my words lost in my throat. I look at him, hoping my gaze is enough for him to understand.
"Then, it's Yu for you," He laughs a little, "Yu Haibara, now come on, let's finish this mission."
I nod, letting him take the lead while I calm myself down a bit. I couldn't say what I wanted to, but it's okay, we should have enough time to say what I want to say.
We continue through the trail until we hear something that's unmistakably a curse like scream. We draw our weapons as we remind ourselves that this should be a grade two curse. I take lead, peaking through the trees to see if it's spotted us, and it has. I use my technique to cut the tree in front of us, letting us try and put some distance between us and the curse.
Haibara gets close and delivers a divergent fist to the curse while I use an overhead attack to cut one of its many eyes. Before either of us could retreat, it attacks the ground, causing me to fall.
"Kento!" Haibara drops back to cover me as I take out my lance and I use my technique to stab it through its forced weak point on its back leg. It stumbles a little bit as we both punch and stab at it to immobilize it enough.
With a strike to its supposed skull, it falls to the ground but slowly gets up. I strike it again with my lance but I couldn't put enough force into it, because as soon as it regains its balance, it strikes Haibara straight through his face, ripping through the right side of his face.
"Haibara!" I call out in agony, enduring an attack to my arm to grab Haibara and run. The adrenaline runs through my body as I run as fast as I can, I can't let Haibara die. Please gods, whatever mercy you have for us humans, spare some of mine to save him, I don't care what it takes, let him live please.
I run as fast as my body can allow me, while Haibara's blood stains the forest ground. My voice begs to shout for help, but I know the village is so far away, I don't know if he could make it without any assistance. Damn it all to the fires of hell!
"Help us! My friend is wounded! Can anyone hear us?! Please, help him, he doesn't have much time!" My voice is on the break of sobs, I can't cry yet, not when any abstraction of my vision could kill Haibara. "Someone please hear us! Please, anything would help! First aid, directions, anything! Please let my friend live!" I'm not trying to reach humanity anymore, humanity is dead when it comes to compassion for fellow humans, I'm trying to plead to the gods.
Haibara continues to bleed out as I try anything to keep him grounded in this world. I hold his hand and it's losing warmth fast. I continue running, I don't even know if this is the right way, but I think it is. All that matters is that somehow, some way, Haibara needs to live. I don't care if I have to sacrifice my own life, let him live.
I get to the village where they try all they can to stop the bleeding, but-
"It's too late. He's heart has stopped beating, CPR wouldn't do much of anything-"
"I don't care!" I kneel over him, trying anything to save him. "He needs to live! Haibara! Haibara. Haibara..." I slowly realize that it isn't going to work. Damn it, the one good thing about life, gone, all because I wasn't strong enough. I gently took his limp body in my hands, holding him like a child, like Mary mourned her son.
"Please, Yu... come back to me, you can't leave me alone... not like this." I gain the little bit of courage needed to kiss him one final time. I connect my lips to his, half in a kiss, half hoping that the CPR could still work. My lips stay on his cold skin, longer than I have any right to do. The moment I release my lips from his, my heart feels both elevated and absolutely destroyed. I gently hold his cold cheek, holding back my tears, there's still hope for Shoko reviving him. There's still hope for the feelings in my heart to come alive, the feelings I know are wrong but that I can't hold back.
The village medic calls back to Yaga, telling him about the situation, but all I can feel is a static in my body. My fingers numb in a way that I'm not sure I'll ever recover from, my heart beating slower than it ever did, like no one could match its harmony again. My mind felt hollow, like nothing I did was mine, it was just the auto pilot in my mind letting me move. All the screaming in my head was the only thing I was even aware of, as I had to be treated for a burn I got by supposedly drinking a burning coffee.
The ride back was a blur in my mind, all I even vaguely remember was holding onto Haibaras hand, praying that somehow, someway, he could be revived. The large bump in the road knocked me out of it, if only to make sure Haibara was okay. It felt weird to search his body to make sure he was okay and nothing happened due to the bump. I see his chest raise a little, is he still alive?!
"Yu! Yu! It's me, Kento! Please, tell me you're okay!" I hold his hand, hoping just any sign of consciousness would come from him, but nothing. At least he's still breathing, that's already a win for him possibly coming back. I gently caress his hand and his unwounded cheek, a few of my tears fall from my eyes and splash onto his hand. I don't even remember those tears falling, all I remember is the feeling of his cold hands in mine.
Damn it, I hate being this useless, I can't do anything but stand there like a dumb, stupid ox! Except I'm not a damned ox, I can't even stab through a grade two curse and it might've killed my friend. No, not just my friend, the label I could never use for him. I've been too scared to acknowledge that part of myself. I know what it brings to anyone brave enough to admit it. I can't, yet I know it's true. Haibara is the only one I can truly love.
I look at myself through the reflection of the window, my hair is messed up since I haven't bothered to brush it to put it in its proper fringe. I look a bit paler than I probably should, it figures that I could barely keep anything down recently. My eye bags are growing darker as I haven't been able to sleep much. If I do sleep, it's plagued by nightmares that won't let me fall back asleep.
Haibara looks so peaceful in his sleep, I wonder if he's dreaming, or maybe he's having nightmares and can't scream for help... I just focus on caressing his hand, maybe that'll keep him grounded. Maybe, maybe, maybe... maybe if I was stronger, he wouldn't be dying. Maybe if I was faster, he wouldn't be dying. Maybe, maybe, maybe...
I just want to take him into my arms again. As wrong as it felt to hold a dead body, it felt right holding him, he's the one that completes me. Against my better judgement, I take him into my arms again, I want to be selfish, take him for myself and only myself. No one else, no one else can understand him like I did... right? No, I'm going insane aren't I? I stare back at my reflection. Yeah, I'm going insane with grief and he isn't even dead yet.
When we get to Jujutsu Tech, I carry Haibara in my arms. Shoko sees him and quickly gestures towards the door. My heart's pounding in my chest, please Haibara... Gods, if you can hear the pleas of the ants below your feet, please let Haibara live, my heart, my soul, my mind, anything! Let him live, please.
I set him on the infirmary bed, I then take my seat against the wall. My leg starts to jitter like crazy, I can't relax, not when his life is on the line, not just his, ours. I'll never be complete without him, my life already feels like it's on autopilot, I can't imagine what will happen if he's actually gone.
No, no, he's not going anywhere, he's staying here, I trust Shoko to do her job. I listen to Shoko trying to use reverse cursed technique on him, but Shoko is starting to break up a sweat. She curses to herself, scrambling to get her actual medical tools.
I start to worry, "Shoko-"
"Nanami, silent. I need concentration here!"
I nod, understanding her demands. I don't want to disturb her, so I silently jitter. I watch on as she focuses on making Haibara conscious again. She's at it for a few hours before she starts panicking again.
"Shit, shit, shit!" Shoko runs and grabs two paddles and shocks him, again... and again... and again... "Nanami, what time is it?"
A lump forms in my throat, "No! You can't give up on my classmate! Ieiri please!"
"Nanami, you're technically interfering with medical procedures. The time."
"7:42 pm..." I say, defeatingly.
"I'll grab Suguru... you can have your time." She leaves and before I know it, I lunge to his side.
"Yu... Yu, please don't let it be true you left me alone in this world... Yu, please come back to me. Yu, don't tell me I wasn't strong enough to save you.. that I wasn't good enough to save you... the one person I care about. Yu, please, wake up... you're the one that makes me whole, you see past what I am, and I'm afraid no one will understand me like you do, Yu."
I press a kiss to his lips, the one and only time I can bring myself to do this out of love. "Yu... please... don't let my thoughts be true, that I'm not strong enough to save you. That I'm not worthy of the one soul that completed me, please... Yu..." The tears start to pour out of my eyes uncontrollably. "Yu! Please! I don't want to be left alone! You saw me in Okinawa! You and I both knew that something was wrong! I don't want that to be you plus what the upperclassmen are dealing with!"
Suguru opens the door, "Back off!" I say before he can even step foot inside. He walks back out, god, is this who I'm going to be now? Just like the bitter soul that raised me? No, I'm not him, I have a reason, he didn't. I've lost the one who could understand me!
"Haibara, I'm sorry, I've been such a coward to everybody, including myself. I love you, Yu, and I wish I could have said something, anything, earlier, maybe then I wouldn't have to hold to the fact I'll never be with you, Yu..."
Suguru opens the door again with a moist towelette, "Nanami? Are you done?"
No I'm not, I'll never be, but I nod as I put the towelette on my eyes. I hear his body loaded into the cadaver system, and I can't stop crying.
"Don't worry about Haibara, Satoru has taken over the mission." Geto says solemnly.
"Don't worry about Haibara?!" My voice cracks, breaking in more ways than probably possible. "Haibara is my one and only classmate! There's no way in hell I'm not worrying about him!"
"Was, Nanami."
"Bullshit! You don't know him! You never bothered with us! It is me and Haibara! And fucking... Why do we even exist?! Why not just let Gojo take care of everything by himself from now on...?! It's abundantly clear that we're not needed in this machine, so why the hell bother?!"
"Are you done, Nanami? Cause I need to get going, no one's going to be here to pity you and hug you, you need to do that yourself." Suguru leaves the room as I'm left alone once more, this time, nothing to lean on, just the cold, hard linoleum ground. And my gods, I fall to my knees on the cold ground, wishing the floor would take me with.
"I can't do this, not without you Haibara... Yu, please, you're like the eyes I'll never have... Haibara... Haibara... Haibara..." I sob into the ground before I hear something. I ignored it at first, my mind probably going into the hysterias of grief. Then I heard it again, it's louder, and, is it distorted?
"Kento... Kento..."
I remove the towelette from my eyes, expecting someone else to ridicule me for my grief, but I don't see anyone. I feel a figure's cold grasp around my neck, I look up to see something I can't describe as a blessing nor a curse. I see the ghostly, yet cursed form of Haibara. I don't know how, but my mind, my eyes, my soul, they all know it's him.
"Haibara?! But- but how?!"
I open his cadaver locker, only to see his jacket remaining. I take it out, the second button glowing with a pink flare like no other.
"Remove the button, let me walk with you, Kento. Forever together, Kento."