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Chapter Text

Lunch- the highlight of the school day to most small children even when they haven’t been stretched thin enough to actually appreciate it.

Just not to Puff Puff Humbert. The long hours of asinine kindergarten introductions hadn’t sparked any interest in him from the other kids who already seemed to have friends. The crying, hair-pulling meltdown he had at the prospect of realigning the seating chart so soon also didn’t help matters. The memory was already too foggy for Puff to put together why the kids behind him were whispering among themselves about that crazy kid with the glasses.

Once his tray reached the check-out cart, the lunch lady said something inaudible.

“What?” Puff asked.

“I said, what’s your name, son?”

“Puff Puff.”

She blinked intensely before asking, “And how do you spell that?”

“P-U-F-F. Two times. Name so nice I got it twice.” Puff waited for some sort of approval for his joke. She merely waved him away.

He took a few steps outward to get a good look at the cafeteria. So full. So wide. Then so narrow. A few people shoved their way past him with their trays, directing him to keep up.

Upon closer inspection every table in the cafeteria was either too full or too hostile to join. The one viable option was an empty table in the way back caught in a sunbeam that made it look like God himself was directing him to sit there and it was just too loud to hear the choir of angels. Puff shuffled his way there, took a seat leaned up against the mural on the wall depicting children holding hands, and frantically started eating.

“You’re aware no one’s gonna take that from you, right?” asked a particularly monotone voice from beside him.

“I just think eating fast is the best way to enjoy food,” Puff replied, facing forward.

Then the revelation caught up to him. He turned over, scanned the other boy’s appearance for a second, then jumped. “Wait, who are you supposed to be?!”

“My name’s DeeJay, I’m in your class,” he answered.

“Why are you here?”

“Nowhere else to sit. Also remember Mrs. Farrell said if someone looks lonely you should include them?”

“I thought that was just a suggestion since no one else does that.”

DeeJay unzipped a blue lunch box and started fiddling with a bag of trail mix. “Maybe it was just a suggestion. I liked the idea though.” He poured the bag onto the table and started separating the raisins from the edible parts.

“Why me? You saw what I did earlier, right?”

“What, saying what we were all thinking? That was pretty cool.”

They both paused.

“Don’t you have friends?” Puff asked.

“No,” DeeJay replied.

“Me neither.”

“Well, you do now.”

Chapter Text

“Hey, loser, why do you talk like that? Are you like, a space alien?” a big meathead with a buzz cut and a letterman jacket kept persisting. Frankly, he looked far too old to be in high school. And far too dumb to be in Honors English.

This question had a very simple answer. “I just moved here from England.” Every time Benatar repeated that was pointless, though. He was just being poked and prodded.

What’s one more time, though? Benatar turned around and very calmly answered again. “I just moved here from England, which is on Earth, and we speak very differently over there.”

The bloke didn’t acknowledge a thing. He just stared blankly. A mouth-breather. Nasty.

Benatar attempted to ignore that guy still and be the bigger person as he lobbed spitballs into his hair. Methodically. The sensation became less noticeable as it went on until the end of the hour. He stood up to leave and slung his backpack over his shoulder before being tapped on the shoulder.

Not that guy. Rather it was lighter. The source was that cute girl with a pink flower in her hair. She seemed to be holding back laughter.

“Ello?” Benatar asked excitedly.

“You’ve got a bunch of stuff in your hair,” she said softly. “Seems pretty stuck.”

Cue the laughter and subsequent dash to the boy’s toilet, where Benatar began plucking gross paper wads out of his hair.

Until the door creaked open and a burly shadow distracted him. That bastard again. He loomed silently, only noticed from the reflection. Benatar whipped back around and tried to swing, only for his fist to be caught and the grimace on the bully’s face to deepen.

He then jerked Benatar’s arm back to his elbow. The Brit winced and tried to slip into a stall. All occupied, instead forming a wall to be stuck against. That opened up a door for the bully to make a game of it, inching closer and closer forming a second wall- of man.

Can’t flee at this point. Can hardly fight either- Benatar was what one would consider a “late bloomer”. Tall, sure. But scrawny. Curse the testosterone in that other guy's body.

The thoughts came surging. I’m dead. Very dead, Benatar thought. Goodbye, cruel world, I guess I’m leaving you today?

Someone else finally entered the bathroom. “Ay, Billy! Pick on someone your own size!” The source of the voice was definitely not Billy’s own size, but he did successfully piss Billy off. He immediately started whaling on this other kid and let Benatar escape.

Ben didn’t, though. He needed to see this replacement scapegoat.

“Thank you, sir!” he shouted from over the corner. “What’s your name?”

“Puff Puff Humbert. And it’s nothing!”

Benatar promptly ran off to the nearest teacher and brought him to reprimand, leaving both victims alone.

“Thank you,” Benatar reiterated. “That was awful foolish of you. But thank you.”

Puff extended his hand to shake. “Hey, now. It’s gonna gets better. You just gotta prove you’re not one to mess with.”

“It gets better… You promise?” Benatar hesitantly reached to return the handshake.

“I promise.”

Chapter Text

It was the first day back to school. For once Puff had been driven to school by his grandparents. He was… early. Weird. A very long two minutes passed before his friends rolled in and conversations were able to start.
“Highlights of the summer, go! I played a lot of football,” Benatar said.
“Not much happened. I saw this lame ass vampire movie with my cousin the other day. She just stared goo-eyed for two hours,” DeeJay answered.
“Okay, that’s cool, but what’s the new chick situation look like? See any moving vans?” Puff chimed in.
“I told you about that Axel guy, didn’t I-“ DeeJay, along with the others trailed off. Their collective gaze was caught by a tall girl with a massive pair of… pigtails.
“Woo! Holy boobies-“ Puff exclaimed, eyes bugged out.
“Way out of your league,” DeeJay said.
“I don’t trust her somehow,” Benatar added.
“Oh, shut it, Benatar. Just look at them! They’re beautiful!”
“Them?”
“I mean her. Her. She is a very beautiful lady.”
The others began walking and Puff had to snap the hell out of it and keep up. The whole time? Eyes glued to the twin Tacoma Domes. Maybe a bit too much- this caused Puff to run into a few poles in the meantime. Isn’t fate cruel?
Time ticked by and September melted into April far too quickly. Some cruel twist of fate meant the girl with the bitties that are very tig was in Puff Puff’s Chemistry and Biology classes every single day. So close. So far. They even ended up being lab partners a few times, an exercise in restraint for Puff due to his hands being so, so close to her.
God, am I a pervert or what?
It wasn’t until one moment in the hallway that Puff grew the balls he claimed to have and finally propped the question. It would be perfect.
“Will you come to prom with me?” he would ask.
“You’re the bomb!” she would answer.
Snap back to reality, time to do it for real.
“One… two… three…” Puff counted to stop the jitters. “I like your boobs, go to prom with me?”
Tig burst out into laughter- not the mocking type, more genuinely amused. She composed herself and readjusted her posture. “Yes, I will.”
They each skittered back to their respective friend groups in a squeal.
“He asked me!”
“She said yes!”
DeeJay gave him a high-five. “Alright, good on ya. Don’t blow it.”
The night came. Puff’s grandmother helped him and his friends get ready.
“Look at you, handsome young man,” Meemaw crooned, pinching his cheek. “What a little lady killer you’re becoming!”
“Not in front of the boys, Meemaw. And I would NEVER kill a lady!”
DeeJay paused his application of pomade and shot him a glare from the background. Benatar kept looking at the clock. “Six forty five,” he stated. “We need to go.”
He whisked the other two out of the house and into the limousine they (mostly Benatar) had all pitched in to rent. Puff hopped into the drivers seat and they set off. First stop was the house of the other two’s dates- DeeJay and Benatar were taking a set of twins. Benatar tentatively reached for the one who wasn’t his date, but he sighed and restrained himself.
Then they arrived at the home that belonged to Tig, as according to the sticky note Puff had been given.
She’s so… beautiful, was Puff’s first thought seeing her in her glittery pink dress. His eyes didn’t shift to the boobs for a good 30 seconds. But those were beautiful too. As they pulled up to the school, his attempt to grope was rebutted with “No touching. We have rules here”.
They entered the gym- in fact fashionably late- and all eyes quickly shifted to Tig. Her hand in his suddenly became very sweaty.
Most weren’t all too into the dance portion of the event, instead just gawking around at the bold few who were, so in an attempt to recapture the attention of the student body the Principal walked up on the scene.
“It’s time to announce the prom queen and king,” he said from a podium.
The music stopped. The room froze.
“Puff Puff Humbert and Tig Olson, congratulations to you both for winning!”
Time slowed down after the pairs of sashes and crowns were draped over the winning couple as Tig jumped for joy.
So did a bunch of tissues.
“Oh my god… you stuff your shirt?!” Puff looked as though the prospect was horrifying.
Tig went white as a ghost and goopy black tears started welling up in her eyes.
“I can’t believe it! What kinda suck ass person would stuff her shirt? Why would you even do that- you- just trying to get everyone’s attention? Those aren’t boobs! They’re lies! Lies, I tell you!” Puff was pointing at her like she was proof of aliens' existence.
The crowd, Puff’s friends included, simply found it very funny.
Tig ran off to the bathroom crying closely followed by a small group of girls.
“Uh… wait! I’m still down to make out if you… want to come back with me…” He then gave up. “Never mind.”
DeeJay and Benatar flocked to him but quickly made note that he wasn’t the one who needed comforting.
“So the fake ol bitties weren’t an issue?” the Brit asked.
“Nah. It’s good song material one day.”
The other two shrugged in response.