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She stared at the ceiling of their home as she slowly relived of their memories. Her body was burning hot and she could hear Carla and Wendy softly whispering to each other. Her breathing was short and uneven, slowly gasping for air, most of the time. As the cold towel was being used to wipe her body, she was deep in thought.
Juvia was having a conflict whether she was in the right or wrong, and it was driving her crazy.
"Take care of Gray for me," Silver's voice struck her like lightning. She replied with running tears, "I will."
She was completely uneased by her own answer to Gray's father. She wasn't sure whether she kept her promise, but something down her chest told her she didn't.
She felt like she had broken her promise to Silver and she's afraid that she's driven Gray to the edge over the past year and a half. All she's done was for him, and it always seemed to her that it was never enough. He rarely smiled and there'd be times she would hear him sob as she was asleep. There were so many days that was filled with angst and sorrow, but those were the same days she found him at ease.
He was kinder and at ease around her. He wasn't demanding and cold as others would take him in for. But, there was an unsettling feeling in her heart that he's never been with her this whole time. He's been acting on his own accord and it always felt like he was somewhere else. It always felt like he was hiding from her. Like he hid something.
And it was true. He hid something up his own sleeve and she knew exactly why.
Gray concealed his Devil Slayer magic from her because he was afraid. She didn't know what he was afraid of, but she knowing that he was in fear of something, that was a good reason enough for her.
She did everything for him and him only… and he left her.
Her nights became dangerous and unsafe, her shadows haunted her, and gloomy thoughts constantly and slowly tried to consume her sanity. The thoughts were like hurtful spears piercing her heart and negativity filled her brain. The rain fell. It fell harder day by day.
Such a simple gesture left a scar on her thoroughly wounded heart. Even the future where he'd come back for her was becoming bleak day by day and it made her feel numb. Despite the pain she felt, she never, not even one single moment, did her mind think that he won't come back.
She waited, sitting occasionally on a wooden bench.
That was until… Natsu, Lucy, Wendy, Happy, and Carla came back.
The small flicker of hope left in her became a burning fire crackling with hope, once Natsu had promised her to bring Gray back.
Juvia had never felt so assured in her life. And yet, she couldn't remove the fact that she was scared. She was scared that he changed for the better. She was terrified that once he meets her face, he won't acknowledge her presence. She was frightened at the fact, that maybe, just maybe, he won't come back at all, that he never cared for her at all.
Gray felt a great distaste in his mouth. The words that he spat out carelessly yet skillfully was terribly disgusting to his mouth. He didn't like his place here in the Avatar guild. It didn't even feel like home. It was far from what seemed like home. He missed his home. It was set far away… safe from him and his dangerous plans, at least for now. But, he missed it dearly and it hurt like hell just thinking about it.
Gray was yearning for it with empty strained hands and open doubts. His hand were reaching out to oblivion, hoping that someone would grab his hand. He doubted that he'd return with a warm welcome. It was painful to think of the possibilities. It hurt every single cell that coursed through his veins residing in his body.
He missed her so badly. He missed her fragrance lingering in the air. He missed her voice. He missed the food she'd cook for them. He missed her assuring words. He missed every single thing about her. Every little thing.
His heart felt like it was being stabbed by spears from every direction. It pierced slowly through the walls of his cold heart with blood dripping down the spears. It was a clenching feeling and Gray hated it. He just wanted to go back, but there was also something that stopped him to even try.
Gray would go back, but he had to gain justice and rid his thirst for revenge first. His mind was intent on making this mission possible and unsuspicious. He had to make sure that Erza's plans wouldn't go to waste. They spent time planning it, and if it were to fail, everything was over.
The ice mage was in conflict and it scared him.
Nowadays, everything scared him, especially the guild he stayed at. He couldn't go to sleep. He'd toss and turn restlessly, but his eyes wouldn't let him. His body was tired and as hard he tried, he knew that everything around him bothered him. He'd hear voices at night whispering her name in the air he breathed in.
Her name was… it was…
Uniquely beautiful yet destructive.
Every time he heard her name, it sent chills down his spine making him shudder often. He was scared of it. It destroyed him piece by piece by the guilt that was being concealed in him. It reminded him that he was the most terrible nakama to anyone… ever.
Her name reminded him of those days that brought the greatness of fear that he held in his heart. It evoked the memories of the days that brought grief in him.
The day she found out about his secret and the day he left her.
Gray could remember her stoic face when she saw the dark marks spread widely on his arm. She didn't look scared but she looked like she was worried. He saw her eyes and it spoke more than the silent words that remained unsaid.
Her cerulean eyes said to his glassy, broken dark blue ones, "What are you scared of?"
It was clear to him; she knew all along. She knew that he was hurting all those nights, and she still let him be and it made her feel like she never did enough. She knew that he was scared. She knew everything, she was perfect that way, and she noticed the little things that hurt him.
So he left… and he thought that he'd forget about her after the time he spent at this dark guild.
He was never this wrong in his own life. He thought it would've been easy to leave her and the guilt, hurt, pain, anxiety, thirst for revenge, anger, and darkness consumed him day by day.
Gray had nightmares of her. He was so scared that his fear ate his sanity up like it was nothing. She was the cause why he was drowning invisibly to others. But, she also was the reason he could struggle out of the sea he was drowning in. It was funny to him, she was the reason he was dying inside and why he was still fighting.
Still, he was frightened.
He was scared that once she discovers of the true monster he was, his inner demons that ate his consciousness day and night; she might leave him.
Others say that it would be better if she had left him, but she never did… and that made him glad. He didn't want her to leave his side. He didn't want to be lonely or go insane no more. He didn't want to be broken but he already was.
She was there though, but maybe, just maybe, he deserved all of this. He deserved being broken, helpless, lonely, and scared.
After all, the blood running through his veins were made up of so many mistakes. He's turning into the monster he never dreamed of becoming, but for the sake of justice, he'd try to endure it. Because pf this, he was scared. She'd discovered the marks, and he was terrified she'd leave once she truly sees who he really was.
It was the boiling emotions of his that deeply triggered the monster in him, and he knew it. The revenge, anger, and the fear.
Fear was one of them, and it was one the conquered over the small lingering wisp of hope he had left. The flicker of hope he had left that he could redeem himself and still become the man he was.
He could control the magic, but he couldn't control the demon he feared that resided in his mind.
Gray only hoped that the demon he feared of would be drowned with her angelic voice.
Maybe someday.
"Juvia's waiting for you, bastard!" Natsu's voice rang loudly in his ears.
It gave him a sense of relief, when he heard Natsu saying these words. His words echoed throughout his mind as he fought with the pawns of the Avatar guild. It was terribly exhausting, keeping his façade up, fighting with thoughts racing down his mind.
After a few moments, he then confronted Braiya after she called out his name to question his loyalty. He answered her petty questions one by one. It angered him deeply when she asked him whether he lied about destroying the book of END with his own hands. After attacking her several times, Braiya had started using her magic.
Using her clone magic, she cloned herself four times. When he heard on of the Braiya clones say, "That's because… I might've fallen in love with you, just a little bit." he was sure he felt a familiar aura around.
The familiar aura had strong magical power and the person seemed to be angry. Then he heard it.
He heard the very voice he'd been wanting to hear for months. The voice that haunted him yet it helped him try to struggle out of the sea of darkness he was drowning in.
Her voice. Juvia's voice.
It brought him a terrified yet relieving sense of emotion.
"Then I presume that you're my love rival too?"
He knew it was her voice but it still sent chills down his back when she said it. Using her magic she destroyed one of the clones. With the remaining three clones, he froze them out of frustration.
She hugged with without hesitation and it surprised him… just a little bit.
Juvia embraced him tightly as if they haven't met for years. And that's exactly what he felt. She worried about him, and it made him laugh inside. He wondered… Gray always wondered, even in these times, she still ran back to his side with her enthusiasm.
He wanted to know. How did she do it?
After a small conversation, he promised to explain his side later and cutting him off, she knew exactly of his intentions. They were going to fight by each other's side.
The fear was gone… for now.
Everything was fine and he knew it. She was there. His doubts were answered in silence.
She came back to him with enthusiasm and with her by his side, he knew-he won't be lonely or scared.
Never again.