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“Love is overrated,” Bowie said under his breath, as the two laid on the trampoline. It had been another hot Saturday of the two doing whatever they could see in their path, and now Bowie was slightly relieved they could finally just talk.
Raj looked confused as he stretched his legs, but nodded. “I get it- every girl I’ve ever dated…something felt off. Like it doesn’t feel right.”
He knew why it didn’t feel right. Because he was gay. That every girlfriend he’d ever had was a distraction from his pining towards his friend. Nobody else knew - not even Wayne, his childhood friend and hockey buddy. God, why wouldn’t Raj have a crush on someone else..then he could be able to tell Bowie.
“That is so real,” Bowie laughed. “I bet there’s some girl at school that likes you- I mean, you’re the co-captain of the hockey team!”
“They’re all too busy looking at Wayne,” Raj chuckled, pushing his dark hair back. “Plus, why would I want them to look at me? I only want one person at my games.”
Bowie raised an eyebrow. “Are you hinting at a crush here…?”
Shit. “No-not at all,” Raj laughed weakly. “I only want you there watching cause I know you’re not judging me. And because you’re my only friend who would even come to my games.”
Bowie smiled. He took that job seriously. “I’m your number one fan! Of course I have to go. If they made jerseys, I’d buy em all.”
“And let me guess, sell it to the theatre kids?” Raj asked. “Since you’re like, the king bee of that circle.”
“Aww, thank you,” Bowie said. “And yes, I would.”
Such a Bowie thing to do- always making money for his fashion. It wasn’t an addiction, at least that’s what he said. Raj was always the first one to try on his newest outfits - even though it’d end up by him being called gay.
“You working on anything new?” Raj asked. “Or am I not a good enough muse to know?”
“You’re a great muse,” Bowie insisted. “But sort of…I’m collecting materials for something.”
God, Raj wanted to see it. He loved everything Bowie created - even if it looked ugly, he’d still wear it.
“I don’t want you to go home next morning,” Bowie said under his breath. “It’d be nice if we could just have infinite sleepovers. Wouldn’t you like that?”
Infinite days of riding skateboards, watching reality tv…sneaking a glance at Bowie’s ‘noon makeovers’… “My mom would never,” Raj sighed. “She loves me too much - but I wouldn’t mind.”
“I wish I had that issue,” Bowie said. “Sometimes I don’t think she cares.”
“I wouldn’t understand if she didn’t care,” Raj shrugged. “You’re physically unable to be hated.”
“Say that to Landon Watson..” Bowie mumbled.
That homophobic asshole- someone needed to remind Raj to beat him up. Maybe that would make Bowie think of him as more than a best friend. He could only hope..
“You shouldn’t be thinking of sad things before bed,” Raj said. “Think of happy things- like how awesome today was.”
Bowie paused, thinking about Raj’s words, then nodding. “You’re right…I should be thinking of happy things. It’s just…there’s so much going on that my glitter gel pen diary isn’t gonna fix. It won’t work with letters on a paper. I need to talk.”
“If you wanna talk, I’m here,” Raj stammered. “I’m not trying to shut you out, I’m really not..I just-“ god, he was horrible…
“I get what you mean,” Bowie chuckled. “You just want me to be happy. That’s one of the many things I love about you.”
The way he looked at Raj when he said that…it made him think for a second that maybe Bowie thought of him as more than a friend. That maybe someday…if they got away from everyone…
“We could be more,” Raj mumbled.
“What?” Bowie asked. “Did you fall asleep again?”
Raj looked up. “Yeah.” Such a good liar- he’ll totally believe that.
“You’re such a sleeptalker,” Bowie laughed, slightly shoving Raj.
Raj pushed Bowie back, before shuffling closer. “You still wanna talk?” Raj asked. “Or did that shove get out enough of your anger?”
Bowie shook his head. “Definitely not- I still need to talk. But…it may be a lot of gibberish and shit. That’s ok?”
Raj nodded. “I’d listen to you yell gibberish for an hour.”
“Alright.” He sighed, putting his hands in the pockets of his burgundy red sweater. “It’s just…”
“I feel like I’m not enough. For anyone. I know, everyone around me says that they care, and that they won’t leave, but then two months later they’re nowhere to be found and I’m stuck picking up the pieces. No matter what I do, no matter how good of a boyfriend I am, they always leave. They always say it’s ‘their’ fault but we both know that’s a bullshit answer. It keeps me wondering at night; what did I do? What did I do?”
For a split second, the usually talkative duo had turned into no more than a ghost of their former selves. The crickets of the night sang their songs, and a leaf from a nearby tree blew itself right onto Raj’s forehead.
“I know my words won’t help,” Raj said, flicking the leaf away. “But you didn’t do anything wrong. Did you cheat?”
“No.”
“Did you break any boundaries?”
“No.”
“Did you ever insult them, their body, or their life choices?”
“What do you think I am - Landon Watson?”
Okay. That was funny. “Then you didn’t do anything wrong,” Raj insisted. “They left because they’re dummies. They left because they’re all lumps of coal who don’t see the blue diamond in front of them.”
“That’s…actually really poetic,” Bowie mumbled. “Didn’t know you could do that.”
Raj laughed. “Me neither…I just thought that was a good way to say it.” He let out a sigh, thinking…was this the time? Could he finally let Bowie know about the truth. “It’s true, everything I said. You’re amazing, kind, funny, and probably the most attractive person I know. If I was your boyfriend, I’d definitely treat you right.”
“Yeah, but you’re straight,” Bowie sighed. “And I’m not the type of person to change someone’s sexuality for my benefit.”
Why can’t Bowie understand that he’s not changing Raj, that this is who he really is? God, for a smart guy, he can be dumb.
Raj’s heart felt like it was about to explode. He knew that this was the perfect time- darkness, stars, and just the two together. If he wanted to shoot his shot, it would have to be now.
Raj sighed. “Actually…”