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Kou never really hated himself when he was younger.
He perceived himself as a good son, a good brother and didn’t think he was useless.
He prayed every night to ‘God’ and asked him for good things in his family or wishing his dad spent a little more time with him, he didn’t want to be weak but he knew how his dad looked down on him.. and since he was a kid he already knew he wasn’t cut out to be an exorcist.
He was okay with it, at least then.
He loves his family after all, even though it has been composed by Teru, Tiara and himself since he was 7.
He grew up seeing the good things in life.
He thought his brother was the cooler person alive because he had a job at 8 years old and interpreted it like he was ‘magical’ because he could exorcise supernaturals with only a sword.
He wished he was also able to do such an amazing task but he knew his father wasn’t going to encourage him like he did with his marvelous older son.
Things changed a lot, his mother died and that was probably the only important event but either way that changed his life and not in a positive way.
She was a great mother and when it was still a recent event he wished he was gone instead of her, he wanted to ‘vanish’ with her but at the same time he didn’t even know what death meant.
He was jealous of Teru, he seemed to be doing so well in every aspect after it, he still got the best grades of his class, he was a pretty successful exorcist with such a young age and he didn’t cry every day at every hour like he did.
It seemed like it didn’t affect him, like if he knew she wasn’t going to be there forever, almost like if her mother didn’t mean the world to him.
A few years passed, he was now 15 instead of 5 and life had more grey shades rather than colors if he was honest.
His days were based on going to school, studying, cooking, eating and sleeping.
Often in that order.
It was not a burden for him but he sometimes wished someone would help him with cooking and cleaning.
It even got to the point where he felt guilty when he somehow got sick because that meant Teru would make him rest and that also comes with no cleaning and cooking too so if it takes more than 2 days (being generous) then the house will probably burn down.
He doesn’t know when all this started but it’s been a while since he wakes up and gets ready but when looking in the mirror he reminds himself how much he hates the person in the reflection and how everyone would be better without him.
It’s not something about his appearance, he doesn’t think he’s too ugly or he’s not even too insecure about his body, he thinks more about his way of being.
He hates his laugh,
his way of helping,
he hates how he deals with people,
he hates being so infuriating,
he hates that he always wants to lend a hand even if he doesn’t know how,
he hates thinking he can solve others problems by himself,
he hates how he’s only good at cooking,
he hates his academic scores..
He hates being useless and the list would continue until the end of the page if he wanted to write down his own thoughts.
He does not know why he feels like this, if someone asked him why he thinks this way he wouldn’t have an answer, he thinks he doesn’t even deserve living because ‘he already messed up on life’.
At night, looking into the black pitched ceiling of his room was probably one of his favorite things to do.
The ceiling was not going to judge or ask why he was crying and hugging a pillow at the same time.
The ceiling wasn’t going to yell at him saying he’s an ugly crier,
the ceiling would not blame him for a grade,
the ceiling was not going to meddle…
I guess not everyone is able to tell when someone in his their life is yelling for help.
I hate myself
He says as a new ‘cat scratch’ appears in his left wrist, covered by his sweatband, he does have a cat at all so there are never questions out of place.
He finds it easier to cope with hating everything about him by hurting himself, it is a punishment for being a burden for everyone and for existing, it hurts and that’s totally the point.
Each line is a reason why he should leave this place permanently.
Teru always says he will love him no matter what, but will he still love him knowing this kind of stuff he does? His mind is messing with him again so he will cut again for sure.
As weird as it sounds, the Minamoto’s house is empty today, Teru is at Akane’s house today to finish some Student Council’s papers and Tiara is at Kunishige’s temple because it seems she is more useful than him so she deserves her exorcist power to be tested.
Kou has daily thoughts of unaliving himself without the process being extremely painful.
This was not chosen from one day to another, he even has a note behind his desk drawer of how much does x number of pills takes to kill you, how deep and where do you have to cut to end it or how tall does a floor have to be to jump and die immediately with almost no humanly possible chance of surviving.
This seems so messed up but he desperately wanted to disappear.
He has A LOT of letters written.
Some people will say they were reasons to stay but he made them to make sure every person he loves knew it was not their fault and this was about, because and for him.
He wanted to die but he also didn’t want to be a burden after it, surviving will for sure be the end of him because he was so useless he couldn’t even take his own life properly then.
In the emergency counter inside the bathroom there are a few things like bandages that are normally used by Kou himself to patch up Teru’s injuries after his exorcist shifts but also blades.
Cutting his wrist deeper than he usually does will definitely work and everything will finally end for god’s sake, he was up to do whatever it takes just to silence his mind forever.
You maybe will say that if he has a loving brother then why wouldn’t him speak to Teru about what’s wrong but sometimes there’s no what or why, sometimes there isn’t even a beginning, he might not know when it all started but he knew he did know when he wanted it to end and of course Teru would have stopped him if he knew the decision he was about to take.
Seeing the blade in his hands felt like the key to heaven, even if he doesn’t believe in God anymore because it didn’t bring his mother home again after he spent almost a year praying every night religiously for her to come home.
A brand new blade placed in his shaky hand, that would probably kill him.
Vertical for results they say but he rather do it horizontally, he was more used to it.
— I won’t give details of how or where you have to cut because I don’t want anyone to acknowledge it for their own health!! —
He grabbed another blade just in case and went upstairs and into his room, laid down in his bed with his shoes on and stared, once again, at the ceiling.
Was this really the solution?
Does every 15 year old feel like this sometimes?
He now felt weak, what if someone has it worse and doesn’t get to the point of killing themselves like him?
Nonsense
He now sat on the edge of his bed, holding the blade steady in his dominant hand and cutting as deep as his strength let him go against his not anymore virgin skin.
His ears rang with the sound of his skin opening, again.
He left out a gasp because it hurt more than he thought.
Is this how this will end?
Of course he was feeling the same as before but the difference is that there was now a bunch of red liquid running down his forearm to his palm and staining the bed sheets.
He felt guilty because Teru will have to wash that mess and the lion bed sheets are his favourite.
Hot tears started streaming down his face, he lay down on his bed once again leaving his slashed forearm facing to the ceiling, resting against the pillow.
He stared at the deep cut along with the other scars and even fresh cuts.
He wasn't even sure if that was deep enough but he could see every other cut on his wrist, even if there was more blood than anything.
His forearm was a mess.
That was disgusting, he was disgusting.
He used to take care of those cuts because the gentle treat he gave himself once in a while for a moment reminded him of how his mom treated him when he was injured, he felt like a child being cared for again.
He slid his finger over his scars and even over the edges of the brand new wound which was bleeding but not as much as he expected, it was never enough.
He wished the scars weren’t there from the start but also wished there were more so the pain he was feeling was enough and felt valid, it was a punishment for himself after all.
He now was starting to have this feeling of regret.
Even if he wrote letters Teru would always blame himself for this and now his older brother would only have Tiara left if he died.
Tiara would always ask what happened to his brother and no one would have the guts to tell her his brother took his own life because he ‘hated himself’..
Is that even a reason?
Maybe everyone hates themselves a little.
They say that when you jump off a high building you regret doing it mid-fall.
Was this what was happening to him?
Maybe this wasn’t the solution.
Was he selfish for doing this?
He was
‘Why would I think of doing this?’
He thought as his body was starting to feel cold and he was shakier. The blood loss was real even if he didn’t think he was bleeding enough, it was never enough for him.
He realized he didn’t really want to die.
He grabbed his phone that fell at least twice from his sweaty non-injured hand and rapidly phoned Teru.
He wanted to live, this was a mistake.
He had mistaken wanting to die.
‘Kou! How are you doing?’
‘Please.. come home as fast as you can.’
‘Wait, why? What 's wrong?’
‘I-I really don’t want to die, this was a mistake..’
His voice sounded extremely shaky and tears kept pouring down his face.
He was now afraid of leaving this world.
Ironic for him since he desperately wanted to die earlier.
Teru hung up the phone call and Kou was now more nervous than before.
It was his own fault.
He decided his own end and that was his own action and consequence.
He fainted from the blood loss of his left arm, before being able to do anything.
He opened his eyes once again,
the ceiling was staring at him.
That was weird, it was not his night black pitched ceiling, it was white with annoying yellowish and fluorescent lights.
Well yeah this wasn’t heaven..sadly?
But he was glad deep inside because that meant he didn’t die and life gave him another opportunity..
This didn’t mean he still didn't hate being on the same body and being Kou Minamoto itself.
Before processing which place was this he was suddenly surprised by Teru who immediately hugged him tightly.
The eldest Minamoto son did not cry at the sight of seeing his poor brother waking up but he had huge eyebags in his red rimmed eyes.
‘You’re back!..’
Well, it seemed like he almost didn’t make it, he survived against..himself?
He was too stunned to speak so he started analyzing each part of the room he was in.
It was evening and it didn’t seem like he had any visit apart from his brother, Kou had been sleeping for almost a whole day.
Now looking at himself, he noticed that his left wrist had perfectly placed thick bandages and had a cute lion sticker on top.
He was now expecting this long conversation about ‘why would you do this?’ or he would ask why he self harms but he was not in the mood to talk about his horrendous perception of himself.
Teru took a gasp of air
‘I was afraid I was going to lose you yesterday..you know I will always be grateful you called me, remember that, okay?’
How does calling for help because of his own actions mean his brother has to be grateful?
He was the weakest person he has ever met in every aspect, he was such a coward for trying to take the easy path by trying to kill himself.
Kou could not help it anymore but started crying as he had never done before.
He felt devastated, he didn’t want to die now but he instead wished he was not born in the first place so his brother didn’t have this ER visit as a memory and feel guilty about it his whole life because an attempt from you or someone close to you is unforgettable.
He was a burden even after trying to off himself because he couldn’t even do it right.
Teru once again hugged his younger brother who hugged him back tightly, almost as if he didn’t want him to escape his arms.
Not ever again.
They stayed in this position for about 5 solid minutes when Teru’s phone rang, it was their dad.
He stroked his little brother’s head and told him to wait just a minute.
As he opened the door Kou wiped his tears and could see a peek through the hospital corridor, where he saw 2 nurses who were carrying a bed with a pink haired.. boy?
He couldn’t tell from the distance but he had a familiar feeling, as if he knew him.
The pink suspect seemed pale and was skinny, he looked so fragile.
Even if Kou didn’t pay attention to it, Teru told his father about what happened.
He told his dad that they gave stitches to his brother and he was now resting, Tiara wasn’t an issue because as you know from earlier she was at Kunishige’s.
Surprisingly, Kou’s father was not coming to see how his son was doing.
Work was more important.
Teru finally entered the room again, he seemed kinda mad now but not with Kou of course.
‘Father said that he's too busy right now but he hopes you get better..anyways, Do you feel better..? physically at least..’
The Minamoto dad in fact didn’t say he hopes Kou gets better, he thought he was just a stupid teenager who didn’t appreciate life enough.
There is no way Teru will tell Kou the truth.
Kou placed his knees against his chest and used his right arm to hug them below the cold blanket the hospital had given him.
‘My whole body feels sore..but it’s okay.’
He ended the sentence giving a warm smile to his brother.
Seeing him smiling meant the world to him and he forgot about everything for a moment.
He then remembered something from yesterday.
‘Ah, I forgot. Look what I bought you yesterday! I couldn’t sleep so I saw the stores from outside the hospital and well..’
He was holding a lion plush in his hands.
It seemed extremely fluffy and was for sure comforting.
He of course handed it to Kou which looked like he loved it from the first sight.
‘Thank you!’
Teru smiled back but seeing his brother's bright smile was heart breaking.
Why would he do this to himself?
He was sure Kou knew he loved him no matter what.
Why couldn’t he tell him about his problems and how bad he was struggling?
If he knew it earlier maybe attempting wouldn’t have even crossed his brother’s mind.
‘It is getting late, do you want me to stay the night?’
Taking into account this was the first night Kou was conscious after the ‘incident’ he did not want to be left all alone with his own thoughts.
‘Yes please, hospital rooms are creepy at night..’
They both laughed together.
Even if they were having a good time together you could tell how nervous both of them were, especially Kou for obvious reasons.
He had to keep living after this.
What would people at school think?
Maybe Nene and Hanako will think he’s suicidal or mentally ill after this but he is sure he isn’t.
After a few minutes a new nurse entered to the room with clean unpacked bandages in her hands,
oh and a small bottle of alcohol.
Kou felt his heart sink, not because he knew that they were going to change his wrist bandages but because Teru would have to see it.
No one has seen those cuts before (only the doctor who took care of them last night when he just arrived) and he didn’t want his older brother to feel like a failure for not noticing them earlier.
‘The doctor told me I have to change the bandage in your wrist every 10 hours.’
She smiled at him and Kou understood indirectly he had to lend her his hand so she could do her work.
As the white bandages were being unwrapped he could only focus on it because he didn’t want to turn and look at Teru.
He knew he would be upset with him and also noticed he was looking at the same point as him.
The nurse did her job.
She of course didn’t make any expression in the process because she has to be professional and Kou was glad she didn’t seem disgusted.
She closed the bandages with a cat sticker today instead, this hospital seems to only own animal stickers I fear.
She left and Kou was still looking to the opposite side of his brother, staring at this brand new cat sticker and suddenly he jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder.
‘Kou, I’m not mad at you, if you had to do those to make things easier then it’s fine.’
He felt understood, he knew he didn’t have to give reasons about this to his brother because he clearly wasn’t disappointed at him at all.
He could already sense tears brewing in his eyes and he started crying once again, trying to wipe his tears with the sleeve of his hospital shirt which seemed almost impermeable so it was spreading them instead of drying them.
Teru tried to comfort him by stroking his shiny blond hair and when he least expected it his little brother had fallen asleep.
He then placed him in a better position and covered him with a blanket, putting the lion plush next to his pillow.
Teru felt extremely tired too.
He hadn’t slept last night due to the ER trip and had nearly eaten anything.
He was on his way to a vending machine to get a cold sandwich without leaving Kou alone for a long time when his phone rang.
It was Akane who will probably be wondering why he missed a school day.
‘Hello prez, a few teachers told me to ask you about your absence today and yeah.’
‘Ah I see, -‘
Teru was frozen in place, there was no way in hell he was telling Akane about Kou’s attempt.
Let’s see, maybe say he had appendicitis?
No way, because why would Kou go to school with a bandaged arm then.
Not even a broken bone would sound more real because he didn’t have a cast either.
Well, he couldn’t escape.
‘Well um..A few things happened and I’m taking care of Kou right now..I will go back to school soon, don’t worry..’
‘Oh! What’s wrong? Is he sick? I haven’t seen both of you since you had to leave my house earlier on Wednesday..’
‘It’s more than that, uhh..I just can’t say it at the moment sorry..but if I get the chance I’ll tell you’
‘Are you sure everything’s okay? You sound off y’know..’
‘I’ll update you as soon as I’m able to..good night Aoi.’
He could feel a knot creating in his throat.
Teru didn’t even let Aoi say good night back and just hung up, he felt like he was going to crumble if he continued talking for longer than a few seconds.
He finished his task of buying a sandwich and went back to Kou’s room, where he was peacefully sleeping and he was now hugging the lion plush.
He sat on the armchair next to his little brother’s bed and ate his sandwich in a few bites.
After this he almost immediately fell asleep with his arms crossed.
Seems like a nurse noticed because at some point of the night when he opened his eyes he had a blanket covering him.
Hopefully they can go home tomorrow.