Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Being a college student is probably one of the most stressful and busy periods of a person’s life. You are just trying to get by, making the most of your time, because every second can be crucial. You have to attend your lectures, study, and work on your projects, maybe even needing to have a part-time job to afford your education—all that while trying to maintain your social life.

That’s why, even while meeting up with friends and keeping up with them, students couldn’t just set all their worries and responsibilities aside. Of course I want to know about how your crush looked at you for a second longer! Just let me finish the second paragraph of my five-page essay first! Call it multitasking.

The group of friends were sitting at a table at the back of the cafe, their favorite place to work on their projects while talking about everything else that was going on in their lives. It was a bit secluded, and people didn’t tend to sit around them, preferring the tables closer to the counter, so they could peacefully do their assignments while gossiping.

Till took a sip of his iced coffee—the ice had completely melted, making the drink a lot more watery than he liked—and grunted, tiredly looking at his laptop screen. Ivan, who was reading and highlighting his papers next to him, stopped what he was doing to look over his friend’s shoulder.

“That painting looks complicated,” he commented, biting his pen.

“It’s really not; I think it’s the simplest thing ever. My professor just over-analyzes everything and pulls shit out of his ass.” He gestured at his screen, pointing at the figure in the center of the composition. “The painter wasn’t thinking allat when he created this. I’m positive about that.”

Ivan laughed softly upon hearing how exasperated Till sounded. Deep down, he was kind of glad that he wasn’t the only one having to deal with preposterous professors. It was probably what stressed him out the most about college. He didn’t mind when they rambled a bit more than what was needed, because it was honestly very interesting and enriching, but he despised when people tried to appear smarter than they were. It was the dumbest thing ever, on top of being unnecessary.

Mizi, who was sitting in front of them, also chuckled, so the boys turned their heads to look at her.

“I’m glad college’s also going good for you,” she said sarcastically, scribbling something on her notebook.

She was a music major, mainly interested in perfecting her vocal skills, but she also had to study musicology altogether. Boring. She had never been particularly interested in studying, and she never really knew what degree she wanted to pursue in the future, so she went with the first thing she thought she’d be good at. It turned out to be much more difficult than she thought it’d be.

“I just remembered, how’s that music project going?” Ivan asked, as polite as ever. “You mentioned the deadline is close, no?”

Mizi sighed, covering her face with her hands. “I’m, like, the worst person at composing. Nothing I do sounds good at all, because I don’t settle on how I want this song to sound.”

Sua stirred next to her, frustratedly typing on her calculator. Her screen showed dozens of exercises that, for a mathematics course, had more letters and strange symbols than numbers. Her notebook was also filled with complicated formulas and scribbles that Mizi wouldn’t have been able to decipher in a million years. She decided to look at her girlfriend instead, because her head was starting to hurt.

“I was going to suggest that those two could help you since they’re in a band and all that, but I think Till’s diet has solely consisted of coffee for the past two weeks, so I won’t say anything,” Sua said, sparing a glance at her friends before looking down at her notebook again. Yeah. That problem would definitely take a while to solve.

Her girlfriend looked at her endearingly, her heart warming up. She had always found Sua’s intelligence to be very attractive, but she also knew that even she wasn’t perfect and sometimes struggled with complex problems, especially this past term. Her workload had increased significantly, and seeing her partner so stressed saddened Mizi.

Carefully, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her head. Sua blushed beneath her touch and mumbled something to herself, but Mizi didn’t quite hear. Before she could ask her to repeat what she had said, Ivan cleared his throat, and everyone looked at him for a second.

Mizi had been so immersed in their tiny bubble that she had forgotten about her two friends for a minute. It would’ve been embarrassing if they hadn’t known each other for most of their lives. She knew that Ivan didn’t want to interrupt her little moment with her girlfriend but rather say something himself.

“Sorry,” she apologized still, her cheeks warm.

“Don’t be,” Ivan replied instantly, dismissing his best friend’s apology. “That just reminded me that I wanted to tell you guys something.”

Now, everyone stopped what they were doing to truly look at him. Mizi wasn’t working on her project anymore, but she still focused all her attention on him. Sua’s pen stopped writing abruptly, and she ceased her aggressive typing on the calculator. Till placed the drink on the table, averting his gaze from the screen to focus on Ivan.

It was so unlike him to be that bold and direct about his feelings. If he wanted to say something, he would usually do some pre-talk to build the conversation up until he got to the topic he wanted to discuss. It was either that, or he wouldn’t say anything at all. He wasn’t secretive, but he was very much reserved, so his words took everyone by surprise.

Till pondered if he should be the one to break the silence and tease Ivan by saying that “wanting to tell them something” was so unlike him, but something in Ivan’s eyes made his brain short-circuit, and he was unable to say anything witty. Whatever.

“That’s new,” Sua spoke instead, raising an eyebrow. Mizi so slightly nodded.

Ivan didn’t laugh it off; instead, he stayed silent for a couple of seconds, as if he was reconsidering his friend’s words. He knew that Sua meant no harm, but her words kind of implied that he never told them anything—it wasn’t true, but it wasn’t completely wrong either.

“I guess it is,” he said, awkwardly laughing.

Till stared at him, furrowing his brow. Ivan seemed nervous, oddly nervous. Till knew him well, and he was always able to tell what Ivan was thinking. They had been friends for years, so he knew when the other wasn’t being honest with himself. It was at times like this when Ivan’s body language would upset Till, because he wasn’t able to know what was on his mind. It was weird and unsettling.

“Just spit it out,” Till said, elbowing Ivan.

The other sighed, timidly looking down. Wait, was he nervous or ashamed?

“This has been on my mind for a while. It’s a conversation that I avoided having with myself in the first place; that’s why it took me so long to tell you guys.” He took a deep breath. “It’s not that I need you to know, but I want to be honest with you about the fact that I—I like men. Like, I’m gay.”

The words slipped out easily and naturally, as if he were talking about the most mundane thing ever. He was comfortable saying them because he was sure of his identity, and he also knew that his friends wouldn’t judge him. It wasn’t as if he had been the first person in the group to come out. Then, where had all his nervousness come from?

He wasn’t sure, but he supposed that it was a normal reaction. After all, it had never been easy for him to talk about his feelings, much less accept them. He’d spent an important part of his life dancing around the idea that his attachment to Till wasn’t platonic and trying to come to terms with the fact that he was exclusively attracted to men. It hadn’t been an easy journey.

He wasn’t ashamed of himself at all—not that he was particularly proud either—but it was hard to talk about such intimate fragments of his feelings with others, even if they were his friends.

So, even if he knew he would be welcomed with overwhelming support, he still bit his lips and counted the seconds until someone spoke, feeling his heart race with every passing moment.

“No shit,” Sua said, smiling. She could feel her girlfriend’s eyes burning holes through her. “No need to be so formal, I think we all knew. Congrats, Ivan.”

Mizi stood up and walked towards her best friend, hugging him tightly. It was easier to show her support and love that way, although she was also great with her words.

“Yes, congrats, Ivan! I’m so happy for you, I love you lots. Thanks for telling us!”

Ivan returned the hug, patting his friend’s back. It’s exactly the reaction he had expected. He knew Sua would make a teasing remark about the obviousness of his homosexuality, and that Mizi would be overjoyed for him. He had also been able to predict the hug.

Everything was going according to the way it should’ve; however—however Till was awkwardly silent, his eyes darting between Mizi and Ivan, but his lips pressed together. He hadn’t said a single word, and he hadn’t even tried to respond to Ivan’s coming out.

Perhaps he didn’t care? No, that wasn’t possible. They had been friends for years, and Till would be a shitty person if he didn’t care about Ivan’s identity. He wasn’t like that. Could he be homophobic? That was also impossible, because he was friends with Mizi and Sua, and they were—

“That’s cool,” he finally spoke. He looked away for a second, and then, “But how’d you know?”

Mizi broke her hug with Ivan to stare at Till, a confused expression on her face. “That’s not a nice thing to say, Till.”

“Sorry, I’m just curious. Like, you’ve never kissed a guy, right?” He paused for a second. “Then, how do you know you like them?”

He locked eyes with Ivan. He had never told him about any crush, so he just assumed that he was too busy with his studies to worry about that sort of stuff. He never thought he’d turn out to be gay.

“That’s not how it works,” Sua muttered from the other side of the table, annoyance in her voice.

“You just know?” Ivan answered. If he was hurt by Till’s words, he surely didn’t show it. His voice sounded unsettlingly monotone.

“It’s just like how you’ve never kissed a girl before and you still know you’re straight,” Mizi said. She sounded more serious than usual, and it was somewhat scary on her.

Sua held back a laugh, and Till could feel his ears starting to burn, embarrassment starting to shake him up. This whole conversation was stupid, and he began to wish that he’d never opened his mouth.

“That’s different…” he protested, but Sua cut him off.

“It’s really not.”

Till sighed, a bit annoyed that his words weren’t coming off the way he had intended. He hadn’t meant to sound hateful or disrespectful; he just had never expected his closest male friend to be gay! Not that other people’s sexualities mattered to him, it had just taken him by surprise.

Maybe he should’ve expected it, if only he’d paid more attention. Sua had said that everyone already knew, and he didn’t know whether she was teasing Ivan or if it was really that obvious, and Till was just too oblivious to notice. But then again, Ivan had never had a crush on another guy, so it wasn’t Till’s fault that he hadn’t suspected anything!

“I don’t mean it in a disrespectful way or whatever! It’s just like, wouldn’t you want to make sure you’re really into guys?”

Every word he spoke seemed to worsen the mood between the group of friends, and he didn’t know how to fix it. He just wasn’t thinking before speaking; the words came out in a rush before he could even phrase them the way he wanted. It was embarrassing as shit, he was looking like an asshole. He really didn’t have any experience talking about queer issues, so it kind of made sense that he was just spitting out anything that came to his mind before filtering it.

“That’s not how it works,” Sua repeated, sighing tiredly.

On the other hand, Ivan didn’t reply right away. He should’ve—Till’s words sounded hateful, even if he didn’t mean it that way, and it really should’ve hurt Ivan—but it didn’t. He stayed quiet, his silence almost serving as a detriment, as a signal to drop the subject forever and just forget it was ever brought up.

However, he ended up speaking up.

“I mean, it’s true that I’ve never kissed a guy before…” He let out a defeated sigh. “But it’s like Sua says, I don’t think I need to do so to know I’m gay,” he spoke in a neutral voice. But then, it shifted into something much more teasing, much more like him, and he said, “Unless you wanna try and help me find out the truth…”

Mizi’s gasp was so loud that it could probably have been heard from the other side of the cafe. For her part, Sua covered her smirk with the palm of her hand, her eyes darting back and forth between her two friends, trying to capture the smallest reaction.

The raven-haired man was as calm as ever, his expression blank and impassive. It made sense—after all, he was clearly playing, trying to joke his way out of the uncomfortable situation. It wasn’t the first time he jokingly flirted with Till; that part was basically a constant in their relationship. Then, why was Till taking it so seriously?

His face had contorted into an annoyed frown, slightly pouting. Moreover, he seemed confused, and that was the strangest part. Normally, he would’ve responded right away, telling Ivan to cut it out (and to kill himself, probably). Joking about kissing Till was the lightest thing ever compared to the shit he normally said. So, why was Till’s reaction so blatantly different?

After what seemed like ages, he replied, sounding serious instead of annoyed. His voice lacked the high-pitched remark with which he would usually scream at Ivan. Weird.

“Eh, I’ll pass, thanks. I don’t like guys like that.”

“How would you know?” Sua was instant to talk, cunning as ever. “You’ve never kissed one.”

“I just know?” It came out more as a question than anything, really.

“Wouldn’t you wanna make sure you really don’t like them?”

Till bit his lip, uncomfortable. “I’m straight, Sua.”

“You don’t know, you’ve never been able to test it.” Mizi, who had been silently listening for a while, jumped into the conversation. She meant no harm, but she needed her friend to reconsider what he was saying and to acknowledge it was disrespectful as hell.

Till opened his mouth before closing it, defeatedly turning to face his laptop. Wow, they were now pulling the Uno reverse card on him? He knew his friends had a point and they were trying to prove that his rhetoric was wrong, but they didn’t have to make it embarrassing as hell. He was already feeling like an asshole, anyway.

He ignored the way Mizi raised an eyebrow, Sua’s smug face, and how Ivan wasn’t looking at him. Weird, taking into account that the dumbass was always closely observing and paying attention to everything he did. Had he fucked up that badly?

The young man grunted. “Fine, I get it. I was an asshole. Sorry, Ivan. Just forget what I said.”

“It’s okay,” Ivan replied, finally turning to face him. Till felt an unpleasant sensation in his stomach. “I was joking with the kissing stuff too, obviously. But I’ll think about what you said.”

Now it was Sua who grunted, sounding exhausted. She buried her face in her arms, which were resting on the table. “Please don’t.”

“Yeah, you really don’t need to kiss guys to know you like them, because it’s not all about that. I knew I liked girls before I even had the opportunity to crush on one,” Mizi offered, squeezing Ivan’s shoulder. “So don’t overthink nonsense, silly.”

“Please,” Sua echoed. She sounded like she was pleading. “It’s not something you need to prove, you dumbass.”

“I know, I know,” Ivan laughed softly, but he didn’t sound genuine. Till hated that he could notice. “I know I don’t need to prove anything, but I want to make sure. Like, I wanna be 100% sure instead of 95%, you know?”

Sua and Mizi looked at each other before staring at Till.

“I’m going to strangle someone.”

Till took a sip of his iced coffee, which was basically just water with milk at that point. Nasty as hell. He might as well go along with Sua’s threat.

Ever since he’d come home from their failed studying session, Till had been lying in bed, mindlessly staring at the ceiling. Well, not mindlessly—he’d been thinking a lot, actually. He had a pile of assignments waiting to be finished on his desk, but not even the pressure could make him snap out of his thoughts.

He couldn’t get Ivan’s words out of his mind. His friend had not-so-subtly asked to kiss him, and it had been all due to Till’s stupid response when Ivan came out as gay. But, even if Till had retracted and Ivan was joking, he couldn’t stop thinking about that interaction.

It had rubbed him the wrong way, because Ivan knew he was straight, and he still asked. It didn’t matter that his sense of humor consisted in being annoying and flirtatious; he asked, and it was weird as fuck. The most abnormal thing had been that Till hadn’t known how to respond. Instead of dismissing Ivan’s suggestion, he had stayed quiet for a couple of seconds, which could’ve given him away.

And the worst part about this whole situation was that he felt bad, because the mood had been tense for the rest of the day and it was entirely his fault. Moreover, he had made Ivan doubt himself, slightly cracking his confidence in his sexuality, and that had made Sua and Mizi angry.

To be fair, he deserved it. He also deserved to feel guilty, because all of this wouldn’t have happened if he had just congratulated Ivan like everyone else. It served him right.

He felt like he owed Ivan something, and he had been dancing around that idea for the entire afternoon. Why or what exactly did he owe him, he didn’t know. Ivan wasn’t acting weird when he accompanied Till to the bus stop, nor when he waved goodbye. He didn’t seem angry at all, and there wasn’t any indicator that showed that the mood between them would get tense. However, he still felt this overwhelming guilt that made him feel obliged to do something, anything.

He searched for his phone and opened the messages app, his fingers hovering over the screen for an embarrassing amount of time. He was about to do the stupidest thing ever, and all he could do was hope that he wouldn’t act impulsively.

Till turned his phone off and contemplated whether he should throw it across the room or simply act like a normal person and put it on the nightstand. Reluctantly, he opted for the latter option before sinking back into bed.

There was something about the way Ivan had replied to his texts that made his stomach swirl. He acted too normal, as if nothing had happened, and while it was true that nothing had actually happened, why had Till been feeling guilty all afternoon, only for Ivan to act casually?

He didn’t even know why he had texted him—sure, he felt like he owed his friend something, but telling him he wanted to meet up to play music together seemed a silly excuse when his mind couldn’t have been further from music all day. However, it was the perfect pretext; he didn’t need any other reason or explanation other than wanting to practice with his bandmate. (Kind of, since they were a two-piece band, more than a duo.)

He realized that he was thinking too much about the situation, and it really wasn’t that deep. The next day, he would play a couple of songs with Ivan and let the excitement and adrenaline take over his body; music had that effect on him. Then, he would apologize to Ivan, more sincerely and intimately, and he would maybe treat him to dinner.

Everything would be back to normal then, and he would stop overthinking and feeling so tense. As long as he followed the plan, nothing could possibly go wrong.

The next morning, Ivan woke up before his alarm even had the chance to ring. It had been happening a lot lately; his body had grown so accustomed to his routine that it would practically move on its own.

His weekend mornings basically ran on autopilot: he would wake up between eight and nine, and then he would make himself coffee (adding a generous amount of sugar.) He would drink it slowly while reminiscing about the materials he had to review that day. Lastly, he would take a cold shower before starting to work on his projects. Hours would pass by that simply.

It was monotonous and boring; he tended to think that Till would go crazy if he had to follow his routine for a mere week. However, it strangely brought a sense of comfort to him. Being committed to something made life much easier, regardless of how uninteresting it was.

His parents were never home during the weekends. Well, they weren’t home any day of the week, really. Ivan had been practically living alone for over a year now, except for the occasional visits his parents paid him once or twice a month. They were too occupied with their business trips to see him more often, plus he was already an adult who could take care of himself. That’s what they had told him, and Ivan had no choice but to believe it.

He didn’t think living alone was negative; he rather liked it. It was lonesome, but it’s not like he didn’t have people in his life who truly cared for him. Lacking the familiar kind of love had never really mattered to him, because he kept his mind busy with other stuff.

As long as he didn’t slack off in his studies and didn’t behave rebelliously, he knew his parents would let him do as he pleased. Well, it wasn’t as if he had any interest in disobeying, anyway. He was fine with the routine and with the peace it brought him. They had already done his job raising him.

A funny thought occurred to Ivan. As absurd as it sounded, he truly thought that he could change the locks someday, and they would stop caring about visiting. He shook his head. He had an accounting exam on Monday; he needed to focus on preparing for it instead of letting his mind wander around his family’s whereabouts.

Plus, he had something to look forward to that day.

After making the most out of his mornings, he would make himself lunch. It was something he had started doing out of obligation, but he had ended up taking a liking to it. Cooking was easy because it was just as his routine—organized; he had to meticulously follow a couple of steps, which would grant him a delicious meal.

His afternoons were probably the only instances of free time he had, so he liked to take full advantage of them. Luckily enough, he was going to spend the rest of his day with Till, whom he was very fond of.

“Being fond of” was an understatement—the thoughts of Till consumed him. Till had been everything that was on his mind for a while. Till, Till, Till. He looked forward to doing everything with him; barely spending seconds of their time together made something warm bloom and explode inside Ivan’s chest. It was kind of painful too, because he knew his precious feelings were just his and his alone. Well, it couldn’t be helped. He had learned to live with that hurt. He was content with just having Till by his side.

He was just about to leave home to catch the bus when his phone vibrated. He raised an eyebrow, confused by the way his friends were slightly freaking out.

Ivan had almost forgotten about Till’s response after he had come out to his friends the day before. He wasn’t exactly weirded out about the way Till had responded, because he hadn’t guessed how he would respond. He knew the boy wouldn’t excitedly hug him, but he didn’t expect to be congratulated by him either. Till’s question was naive, and it suited him. Ivan hadn’t felt offended, despite having had his sexuality questioned.

However, Mizi and Sua were clearly worried about the whole situation. The day before, Ivan had decided to drop the conversation after admitting that he would think about Till’s words. The mood had dropped and become tense right after, so much so that the girls had muttered an excuse about how they had errands to run and left not even half an hour later.

The raven-haired man hadn’t thought much more about the abrupt end of their study session, but clearly his friends had. So, as he rushedly left the apartment to catch the bus, he made a mental note to reassure them that everything was fine after his hangout with Till.

Luckily for him, Ivan had managed to catch the bus, as the driver had seen him sprinting towards the bus stop, and in an act of compassion, he’d waited for him. The raven-haired man thanked him profusely because he’d successfully arrived at Till’s studio on time. Thank goodness, because he was never late.

He leaned his shoulder against the door while he searched for his spare set of keys, only to find out that the door was already unlocked. He stumbled a little as he entered the studio, seeing that Till was already sitting on the sofa, tuning his guitar. His gaze looked soft as he looked at the strings. Ivan’s heart skipped a bit.

He closed the door behind him, noticing that his friend was so focused that he hadn’t seen him enter. Trying not to disturb much, Ivan collapsed on the sofa next to Till.

The guitarist jumped a bit. “Fuck. I didn’t see you.”

“Hi, Till,” Ivan said, smiling. Till noticed the way his snaggletooth poked out and looked away.

“Hello. I’ve already connected the microphones.” He vaguely pointed to the speakers on the other side of the room. “Go warm up or something while I finish here.”

The man happily nodded and complied, obeying everything Till said. Ever since they had started playing together a couple of years ago, Ivan was happy to go along with everything his friend suggested. Between the two of them, Till was definitely the talented one. He composed and wrote lyrics for their songs, on top of flawlessly playing the guitar, singing, and producing. Ivan just sang alongside him because he happened to have a pretty voice, but he was more than fine with that.

He truly enjoyed being in a band with his friend, because it was only when Till let creativity overflow him that Ivan could stare at the way his eyes sparked and his whole body burned, eager to continue creating art. It was such a pretty view, and he was the most fortunate person on earth.

He knew how much art and music mattered to the silver-haired man, so Ivan had kind of gifted him the studio in their first year of college. He suggested that he would pay 90% of the rent, so Till would only have to pay the remaining 10% (that was the only way he knew he would accept, albeit he’d wanted to pay for it entirely by himself). Till had called him crazy over and over again until he got tired of Ivan insisting and reluctantly accepted the deal.

Seeing the concentrated but happy and peaceful expression on Till’s face as he finished tuning the guitar only made Ivan feel more proud than ever of his investment. Hell, he’d even buy Till an entire building so he could play and produce music forever.

Finally, Till stood up, smoothly playing a chord before proudly giving Ivan a thumbs up. They were ready to start practicing and getting lost in the music. And so they did.

Without missing a single beat, they threw themselves into the music, getting consumed by every single note they played or sang. They were basically one with the rhythm, being so deeply fused and connected with their songs that they lost track of time. Practice was such a blast, man!

The two boys carefully set their microphones and instruments aside after practicing for almost two hours straight, collapsing on the couch. They were tired, to say the least—it had been one of their most intense sessions in a while—but they'd had a lot of fun nonetheless. 

Ivan took a deep breath and wiped off the sweat from his forehead, observing Till, who looked equally as exhausted but was too occupied scoffing irritably at something—or someone—on his phone. He noticed Ivan's eyes on him and sighed, slipping his phone in his pants pocket.

“I hate Luka, he pisses me off so bad,” he muttered, sounding exasperated.

Luka was a senior they had met at a program during their first year at college. He was a year older than them, and, although they hated to admit it, he was closer to them than an acquaintance, albeit they didn’t consider him a friend. Their relationship was a bit complicated to put into words, so he was usually referred to as a “menace.” Suitably, to say the least.

“He’s kinda annoying, yeah,” Ivan laughed. He carefully examined Till’s expression. "Did he say something to you?"

Till bit his lip, averting his gaze. “Yeah, but it’s not that deep. He was just teasing, but it makes me angry.”

Ivan hummed in understanding, not daring to say anything else (he wanted to tease Till too, but no way was he daring to do so and interrupt their peace.) Instead, he stood up and went to the tiny fridge in the corner of Till's music studio. The place was small—Till had wanted it that way—but it was cozy and had everything needed to fulfill a musician’s needs. He grabbed two bottles of water and returned to Till’s side, offering him one.

The boy thanked him and mindlessly opened the water, looking at the void, seemingly lost in thought. Now that was weird, but Ivan simply shrugged and opened his own bottle, drinking almost half of it in one gulp. He was thirsty, and his throat burned after so much singing. He needed to learn to take care of his voice.

They stayed in silence for a couple of minutes. It wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but there was still some unspoken tension between them. Ivan exhaled heavily, listening to Till’s fingers tapping the bottle. 

“Ivan—”

“Till—”

They spoke at the same time, rushingly saying the other’s name. They silently looked at each other for a few instants before Till chuckled audibly, shaking his head.

“The hell, man? You go first.”

“But…” Till's raised eyebrow made him stop protesting. Instead, he sighed, resigned. “Fine. I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner. I’ll pay.”

Till stared at his friend in disbelief. How had he managed to know what he was going to say? He had meticulously planned to treat Ivan to dinner the night before, after wasting an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out how to apologize and repay him. But if Ivan wanted to invite him instead, who was he to complain? Ivan was the wealthy one, after all.

“You idiot, you don’t need to pay for my food,” Till still said, because he felt that he would be taking advantage of Ivan if he accepted his offer so easily. “But yeah, let’s go. I’m hungry.”

“Okay,” Ivan replied right away, his lips curving in a slight smile. “Oh, but first tell me what you were going to say."

Ivan looked at the boy next to him, examining his very expressions. He looked... nervous? And that was so unlike Till; Ivan knew there were a couple of things that made his friend nervous, and surely going out with him wasn’t one of them. That meant there was something bothering him, and it must have been taking a toll on him.

Till’s eyes were fixated on his bottle of water, not daring to look Ivan in the eyes. He was squeezing it a bit too hard, so much that the water would’ve gushed out if only the bottle had been a bit fuller. He was also biting his bottom lip hard, close to breaking the thin skin and starting bleeding. What the hell was he supposed to say? Ivan had already stolen the words from him, so the most he could do was to apologize, right?

“We can lea—” Ivan tried to say, trying to lighten the mood, but Till didn’t let him talk.

“No. Shut up. I’m gonna talk now, I just need to know how to word this.”

“Alright, sir,” Ivan teased, giving his friend a thumbs up.

Till groaned and playfully hit him, rolling his eyes. “Idiot. Just shut up for a bit.”

Ivan accomplished and did as Till wished, not daring to say a word. His mind couldn’t wrap around what possibly his friend needed to tell him that would require him to think so much, but whatever. For Till, he would gladly wait.

He wasn’t keeping track of time, but he was sure at least fifteen minutes had passed until he heard Till clearing his throat, seemingly ready to talk. The look in his eyes was confident, but he was still fidgeting with his fingers, so something was clearly not fine. His body language gave him away, contradicting his self-assured facade.

“Okay, I’m ready. Listen, about what happened yesterday—”

“You don’t need to apologize, I already told you it’s fine!” Ivan interrupted.

“Oh my god, just let me talk!” Till spoke a bit too loudly. He wanted to shove a hand inside Ivan’s mouth so he would shut up. “I wasn’t gonna apologize. I mean, I kinda was, but also… I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been thinking about what you said, and I kinda felt bad and guilty, so... I wanted to help you. I guess.”

Ivan looked puzzled, and Till had to admit his expression kind of amused him. He had caught him off guard, right? Point for him. “Huh?”

“You said you’d think about kissing a guy to be completely sure you’re gay. I... I’m willing to help you with that. Yeah,” the words came out faster and more muffled than he had expected. 

Fuck. That had also sounded corny as fuck, not to say weird. He didn’t know why he thought helping Ivan with that would be a good idea. The thought had come to him ten minutes earlier, and he had believed it was brilliant—he wasn’t so sure anymore. Now that he had heard himself out loud, he was thinking with more clarity, and he realized that his stupid idea was more than stupid. But he wasn’t going to back up so easily. He could think of it as a... challenge? Yeah, that would work just fine.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Till. It’s not necessary. Like I said, I don’t need to prove anything like that. I just wanted to make sure,” he gestured with his hands, not getting anywhere. 

“I know, but wouldn’t it help you?”

“What?”

Jesus, you’re slow. “Wouldn’t kissing me help you to make sure?”

Ivan shakily exhaled and paused for a bit, rethinking Till’s words. First of all, his proposal had taken him aback. He sure wasn’t ready to hear those words coming from his friend’s lips—his friend whom he had been in love with for years. He was close to pinching himself to know whether all that was a dream.

But, looking closely at the situation, he was very clearly awake. His accelerated heartbeat gave him away, along with the warmth that was rapidly blooming inside him. And that realization only made him more nervous.

How was he supposed to react? He had liked Till since they first met, and now the dude was willing to help him by kissing him on the lips. Ivan didn’t really need to do so to realize he was gay—he had known he liked guys for years; he had just recently accepted that he wasn’t bisexual and that he was, in fact, exclusively attracted to guys. What he had said the day before about “thinking about it” was mostly joking.

So, would it be selfish for him to accept Till’s proposal? Would he be taking advantage of his friend’s kindness? He surely didn’t want to be immoral, but he also didn’t want to miss the unique opportunity that life had granted him.

Ivan didn’t need to kiss a random guy; he needed to kiss him particularly. His heart craved and ached for it.

“I... think it would, yeah,” he whispered, loud enough for Till to hear him.

Till nodded, looking almost proud. “That’s what I thought.”

He shifted on the sofa to be facing Ivan directly, although his back was bent uncomfortably and his legs stayed still. He paused for a moment.

“If... if we’re going to do this, you need to keep it a secret. So don’t tell Sua or Mizi,” Till said, wrinkling his nose. They would never leave him alone for that. “And I’m just doing this to pay you back for being so dumb and harsh yesterday, there’s no sentiment involved, yeah?”

“I know, I know,” Ivan said, shaking his hand dismissively. “You’re straight.” Till nodded.

If we’re going to do this. So it was really happening. No matter how many times he had dreamed about being romantically involved with his friend, he never really thought it would be a possibility. This whole situation still felt surreal to him, as everything had changed in a matter of minutes. But seeing Till’s body weight shifting to lean closer to him and feeling the blood rushing to his face made it all feel so very real and true.

Still, something inside him felt guilty for what they were about to do.

“Hey, is it really okay? I mean, as I said, you’re straight, and…”

“Shut up and stop overthinking, it’s just a kiss! Plus we’re friends, bros gotta help each other, right?” he said confidently, but the way his voice cracked betrayed him. Whatever, it was normal to be nervous, right? After all, it would be his first kiss.

“Okay.” Ivan didn’t sound convinced at all, so Till gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

The raven-haired man smiled gently, taking one last faint breath before getting closer to Till. He wanted to be careful and not rush things. Although there were no feelings involved (at least, on Till’s side), he had always dreamed of his first kiss being that way—slow and gentle.

He reached up and cupped Till’s cheek with his right hand, resting the other on the cushions for support. It was just for a brief instant, but he missed the way the other boy’s pupils dilated upon feeling his touch. It was short and barely noticeable, sure—but it was there.

Till’s hands were gripping the fabric of his jeans tightly, and he was still as a rock as he watched Ivan hesitantly leaning in, closing the distance between them. He couldn’t stand visual contact any longer, so he closed his eyes shut, and before he could even process what was happening, he felt Ivan’s lips pressing against his. 

And that was it. His nervousness dissipated, and he stopped feeling anxious. There was nothing remotely exciting or romantic about the mere nature of the kiss. Ivan’s lips erratically brushed against his, showing his lack of experience. Not that Till had any either. But...

But the hot feeling of his friend’s mouth quickly spread to his chest, and he felt a completely unfamiliar sensation. Rather quickly, the butterflies settled on his stomach; he was starting to feel an overwhelming warmth, and suddenly Till couldn't take it anymore.

He shifted again, hesitantly leading his hands to Ivan’s neck. They were just weirdly resting there, but that seemed to bring a sense of encouragement to Ivan, as his other hand reached up and clumsily settled on Till’s hair, caressing it.

And then, mindlessly, almost naturally, Ivan deepened the kiss, which caused Till to grab the collar of his sweater, bringing him even closer. He leaned back absentmindedly, lost in the warmth of Ivan’s hot mouth and his soft touch. It was almost heady, too much for his liking.

But, before he could think about the implications of his thoughts and feelings, Ivan gently guided his head so it was resting on the armrest. He was still kissing him, and it was driving him crazy, because he had never felt something like that, and now he was confused but didn’t want to stop and—

A phone buzzing made the boys paralyze. Ivan opened his eyes, not daring to look at Till, who was lying beneath him, and awkwardly got up, searching for his phone in his bag. Till was panting heavily, still feeling the electric sensation of Ivan’s lips on his. He didn’t dare to touch them, because even the mere brush of his fingers where Ivan’s mouth had just been would drive him crazy. So he sat up uncomfortably, trying to act casual.

Ivan looked at his phone screen and then at Till, shrugging his shoulders and chuckling softly, trying to make the situation a bit less tense.

“So, uhm, Mizi is calling me?” It came out more as a question than as a fact.

“Yeah, go ahead and answer.” His voice sounded whiny and high-pitched, and he wanted to punch himself in the face for that.

“So, about dinner…”

“We can go another day. Yeah. Just let me know in advance.”

“Okay. Right,” he quickly gathered his things and almost ran to the door. “I’ll be going now then. So... Bye.”

“Yeah. See you.”

He watched Ivan as he closed the door and waited for a couple of minutes just to make sure he was really gone and at a considerable distance. Then, he sunk his head into the armrest (where Ivan had pinned him down to kiss him just a few instants ago) and screamed until his throat hurt.

Realization hit him like a truck as he felt his face was still warm and tickling. Oh, he was so fucked up.