Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I’m not going”
“Pleeeeeeeaaaaaase, I’ve got 2 tickets & no one to go with”
“No, I’m not feeling some sorta fakeass pity for you because your virgin ass can’t get a girlfriend to watch some purple haired 5’9 grape preform some smash hits from the year 2008, not gonna happen buddy.”
“Okay, I get it…I’ll just go with Minsu instead…”
“What- who- wait OH OH MINSU, why the HELL would you wanna go with him he’d get crushed in the crowd.”
“Yeah, well, he’s just muuuch nicer also he would probably come over to our apartment after, & he’s really good friends with Semi, & Semi apparently is reaaaaally good friends with Thanos, so I’d probably bring them all back, & if I brought them all back then there would be a ton of paparazzi, & then you’d freak out because of your ‘social anxiety’ which I think is insane considering how ‘social anxiety’ you act when you’re drunk-“
Namgyu grabs Gyeongsu by his collar.
“Okay, I’ll go, but how much is it?”
He says, letting go of Gyeongsu’s neck.
“Geez Louise, it’s okay, I’ve already payed for tickets”
“I thought that you were broke-unless” Namgyu’s eyebrows turn downward.
“Woaaaaaahhhhh, calm down, I didn’t steal or anything.” He says in a mocking tone
You see, the thing is, Namgyu isn’t exactly a criminal but he isn’t exactly not a criminal, back when he was 17 he got mixed up with these druggies in his school, so he’s been round the block when it comes to this ‘legal’ business, but in his defence, he didn’t want to shoplift, he was just peer pressured into it, & then they started blackmailing him, & then it wasn’t just shoplifting & then-
“Alright you shut up you stupid idiot ‘aight? Quit being stupid & tell me where you got the money.”
“Well, that was the money that I was gonna get to my part of the rent…”
“Oh my GOD Gyeongsu you’re just the gift that keeps on giving, aren’t you? Where the HELL are we gonna get that kinda money back?”
Gyeongsu smirks.
“Well, I’ve got friends in high places…”
Namgyu tilts his head, & then Gyeongsu raises an eyebrow, Namgyu catches on.”
“You’re not gonna ask-“
“Well, he’s a multi-millionaire rapper, YK? He’d have some to spare, right?”
“So we’re just gonna go up to him & say “Hey! Do you have spare cash?” Yeah?”
“We could try…”

Chapter Text

Gyeongsu’s doing my head in, he’s whizzing around & he’s wearing this stupid “I heart by bf” shirt with a picture of FUCKING THANOS on it, he’s like a teenage girl, it’s insane, this guy SWORE he wasn’t gay yet he’s wearing some twink fit, he’s so annoying.

“C’mon Gyeongsu, stop testing out how kiss proof your lipstick is, you’re not a teenage girl.”

“I’m not! This is lip balm, also you can’t be talking with THAT eyeliner”

“Oh shut up you know I never wear eyeliner, this is a one time thing.”

“Yeah, so did your teenage years just fade out of memory or nah?”

Gyeongsu doesn’t realise I looked GREAT at 17, I pulled more girls than him! Including his stupid girlfriend, even if I was wearing eyeliner.

“Did your 20s fade out of memory? Quit acting stupid & get in here, we need to book train tickets!”

“HAVE YOU NOT BOOKED THEM?!”

“I’M SORRY I WASN’T EXACTLY ‘ENTHUSIASTIC’ ABOUT SEEING YOUR TEENAGE CELEBRITY CRUSH PREFORM SOME SONGS I HAVEN’T HEARD SINCE WEARING SKINNY JEANS WERE STILL COOL BUT NO, GYEONGSU, I HAVEN’T BOOKED TRAIN TICKETS, ALSO WHY THE HELL WOULD WE NEED TRAIN TICKETS FOR A METRO DUMBASS??!!”

“THEN WHY DID YOU SAY YOU NEEDED TO BOOK TICKETS?!!!”

Okay, maybe I’m the dumbass, but usually whenever we go somewhere we try to get as far away from Seoul as we can, unfortunately, that’s kinda hard when the “we” is just you, & your roommate decides that the only tickets available are the ones in the biggest arena in South Korea, which just so happens to be around 30 minutes away. I probably shouldn’t describe Gyeongsu as “my roommate” because we’re more than that…not in that way you pervert, I mean he’s my oldest friend, since we were 5.

He’s been with me through the roughest parts of my life & the best parts, I used to get bullied a lot in High School, even though you wouldn’t think it, but I was going through this weird emo phase or whatever, & Gyeongsu was my only mate, but that’s cringey & soppy & Gyeongsu is an annoying bitch that I just so happen to have been cursed into bonding with, seriously, though, that guy’s been through a LOT with me.

“Do I look okay, Namgyu?” He asks, slicking back his hair.

“No, you look like you’ve been crying in the sewer system after being rejected as an understudy stripper.”

“Awww, you’re so NICE aren’t you?!”

“The nicest!!”

I hear a notification

“You got a message, Namgyu”

“Finally, for once it’s me getting a message & not you matching with someone on grindr, oh wait, the only messages YOU get from dating apps are warnings to renew your premium.”

“You can’t be speaking”

I shrug him off, I read the message

Haiii!! Your sister here!! 

Heard you were going to the concert TN, me & Saebyeok booked a hotel nearby, unfortunately we accidentally booked a four person room :(

You & Gyeongsu could come stay!!

Love you, Jiyeong.

She texts like a Facebook mother, & she’s younger than me!! I can’t really blame her though, she was in prison for half her life, she’s not technically my sister, she’s adopted, let me explain:

When she was younger her father killed her mother, so she killed her father, she went to jail till she was around 17, & my mother saw her walking down the street & she was looking shabby, so she offered to buy her some new clothes, she was polite but cautious, & that’s when she told her the story, my mother took her in, gave her a bed, food, etc, & then the rest is history.

Even though she’s not related, she’s my sister, I love her to death.

Yes, ofc!! I didn’t know Saebyeok liked Thanos lol 😭😭, I thought she was Miss.Ionlylistentorealmusiclikemitski

hope you guys have fun!!

Saebyeok is my sister’s…situationship, they went to some “group therapy” thing & hit it off, Saebyeok is from the North & her father died swimming here, her mother was still trapped but she’s here now, Saebyeok was living with this boomer called Gi Hun with her brother Cheol for the longest time, he seemed nice enough though, apparently he had a daughter too, but he was a gambling addict & his daughter lives in the USA with his ex wife, he rarely sees her but she sometimes comes down for a week or so a couple times a year, I hope that guy gets to see his daughter soon.

I look in the mirror as me & Gyeongsu leave the house, I’m wearing this old Thanos shirt from 2009 that’s black with a ton of rips in it, all accidental & some baggy jeans, a gothic beaded cross necklace & eyeliner, I look stupid, but Gyeongsu said we should be “revisiting our roots” or whatever, so here I am.

I’m leaving the door as I remember something.

“Oh shiiiiiiit”

I run back into the apartment, I take the broach of a pomegranate from the desk & my pocket book on Greek myth, I pin on the broach & put the book in my bag, as I leave the door I stamp my feet 3 times, better safe than sorry.

We make our way to the elevator, it takes ages to arrive.

“Oh my GOD this is taking forever”

“I knoooooowwwwww”

eventually the elevator arrives, we step in, we talk, well, we banter, then we go silent because there’s nothing more to talk about.

“Want an AirPod?”

“Sure”

Gyeongsu puts on some stupid Thanos album that I haven’t heard since 2009

“Has he got anything new?”

“Yeah, but I’ll play it when we get on the metro”

“Okay.”

We leave the building & start walking down to the metro station, I don’t wanna get lost so I grab the sleeve of his shirt, he laughs a bit, I don’t know why.

When we get to the metro station we show our cards to the machine & get our tickets, & now we wait.

Chapter Text

Aae he’s just bored but he’s biting his lip now, his head is down too.

“It’s okay, Namgyu.”

I whisper in his ear, he grabs my hand that’s currently resting on my thigh, wee pussy he is, really.

As the train starts moving his leg stops bouncing, but not completely.

“It’s okay, don’t worry, we’ll be there soon.”

“Thanks.”

He looks down, then up, then around, there’s barely anyone here, unusual, especially for a concert day, but I guess we just got lucky.

His leg stops bouncing & he lets out a small sigh of relief.

The album is over & I switch to the new stuff, as Namgyu asked.

“This is kinda good, no?” I say.

“Yeah, but his old stuff was better.”

“Agreed”

We don’t speak for a minute, & I start to nod off, I lay my head on his shoulder.

“Lazy bugger.” He sighs, ruffling my hair, he rests his head on mine.

Namgyu’s being nice today.

He squeezes my hand a bit tighter, I can almost feel his nails digging in, but I don’t say anything.

Now you see, the thing about Namgyu is that he’s really fucking clingy, but he’ll never admit it.

It gets him into a lot of trouble, & half the time he doesn’t know about it.

Not only is he clingy as in needy, but he’s also physically clingy, like I mean he’ll actually cling to you, like his hands just can’t survive 10 seconds without clinging to something, I have a lot of theories for this:

1. He did some sort of activity or sport that involved clinging to things (such as climbing) as a young child & the habit has never left him, although he’s never brought this up & I don’t think a single teen mother could afford that, so it’s probably not that.
2. He’s got OCD or something & actually can’t survive 10 seconds without clinging onto something, he might have OCD, but it doesn’t seem like he’s just doing this because of some “ocd” thing, it seems accidental half the time.
3. Social anxiety & being worried in large places, this could be true, & it’s probably the most accurate answer but he’s like this all the time, even at home, when he’s with strangers, he clings onto strangers so I’m not sure.
4. He subconsciously does it & doesn’t realise it.

Now, I think it’s option 4, because if this was on purpose, then I’d be very confused.

He doesn’t ever say he’s clingy, he just is, he tries to act tough but he’s really REALLY clingy, this wouldn’t be a problem & I don’t mind, but he has this habit of being really clingy with ONE person for a week or so & then just stopping & moving onto someone else, the worst part is, half the time he does this with chicks, which has left me some awkward conversations to have to explain to crying girls at my doorstep.

You see, he’s not trying to flirt, it’s all accidental, but usually these kinda situations happen something along these lines:

Namgyu will have to work with some girl for uni on a group project, they’ll be friendly & work together a lot, Namgyu will get really touchy & start *physically clinging onto her* he’ll also act all shy & flustered around her, she’ll start to think he’s into her, she’ll start really fancying him & then after the project is over he’ll move onto another girl he’s met at club pentagon, the girl is left utterly confused & Namgyu doesn’t even know anything about it, because in his eyes they were just working on a group project, now there’s a 10/10 on my doorstep asking for Namgyu & I have to say “he’s not in right now” even if he is in, because there’s not a single way in heaven he’d be able to work this out like a mature adult.

So, Namgyu is just like that, in his eyes he’s not “flirting or getting flustered” but he’s just “being polite” it’s his personality, it doesn’t help that he’s got these quirks that girls find insanely attractive, such as tilting his head at questions, tucking his hair behind his ears after getting ANY form of praise, blushing at everything, constantly playing with his lips, holding your hand when he gets comfortable around you, making little gifts out of paper for you, picking you up when he gets excited, sweater paws, playing with his rings, putting his arms around your waist, the list goes on.

How do I know this? Because I get girls telling me all the fucking time about how they’re “in love with my best mate”.

Sometimes it’s guys too, but not often.

I mean, you should see Valentine’s Day, just a line of “no, Namgyu’s not in right now” & “from your secret admirer” letters flooding to our apartment, Namgyu doesn’t know shit about this, though, because I always make sure that he’s out the house on that day, because he’d make both of us look stupid if he knew about all this. The worst part is I’m only half joking.

Now, this isn’t to say he hasn’t been affected by this, because he has, this sometimes hurts him too.

Every once in a blue moon there will be someone who really really thinks it’s meant to be, & they’ll make a move, usually this is just a kiss, but there’s been a few proposals, no joke, but that’s rare.

I know when this happens because Namgyu will come home annoyed & say “why can’t I just have one female friend that doesn’t think that I’m in love with them or something?!” & he’ll rant about how annoyed he is & he doesn’t understand what anyone can possibly see in him, & I’ll just nod & laugh.

We’ve also been cursed a few times, Namgyu only knows about one of those times though, because a preist had to come in & heal him, usually the priest can do this by just walking around the house with a cross while Namgyu’s away but this time some absolutely insane witchcraft was going on here, I mean, put it this way, usually that stuff doesn’t work, but Namgyu ended up nearly dying 3 times in 1 week under very mysterious circumstances, such as shattering a crystal, accidentally reading take 100 ml of medicine as his Angel number when he had a headache, getting a cross thrown at his head, etc, it was some freaky stuff.

I’d say it’s gotten better now, but it’s not, he used to get clingy with groups but now he gets clingy with only one person, so they’ve got some sorta “I’m the chosen one” perspective, he stopped sticking to groups after he got mixed up with those druggies, he was in & out of hospital before he cut them off, it started off with just shoplifting peer pressure to them blackmailing him, starting off with blackmailing him to steal some weed, then to attack someone, & eventually Namgyu said no, because they wanted him to be their personal hitman. When he said no, however, they either attacked him or gave him a shot of smack, but it got worse, & soon they were giving him ‘dragon rock & dynamite’, as they called it, & he couldn’t handle it, they were deliberately overdosing him, & he ended up in hospital on multiple occasions.

But overall, the guy’s a heartthrob, really, half of Seoul’s chased after this guy, it doesn’t help that he looks like a girl so the lesbians want him too, I swear, everyone has crushed on him by now, everyone except-

“Gyeongsu, wake up, we’re here.”

He’s clean of all that now, I guess that’s what matters.

Did I mention I carry salt with me?

Chapter Text

We exit the metro, the gates crash behind us, I flinch, I don’t know why. I don’t know why I flinch at small things, at loud noises, I don’t know why I’m scared.
We make our way up the stairs, my legs hurt a little bit because of how steep they are, I control my breathing because I don’t wanna look like a fatty for heaving at stairs. “Stop a second I just need to get something out my bag” Gyeongsu takes his backpack off his back & places it on the ground, I nervously grin, surround him & sorta cover him because I don’t wanna get robbed today.

“Hurry up, this is a robbing hotspot!” “I am, I am don’t worry.” He gets an electric white thing out his bag, he holds it up to the sky looking at it like it’s a lost relic. “A light stick?! Gyeongsu we’re not 14.” “Going back to our roots, remember?” “Ugh fine, let’s get going we need to find out where we’re going.”

We turn a corner, just to be met by-

“Teenage girls?” Gyeongsu exclaims

I don’t know why I didn’t expect this, a K-pop idol, with stupid boy-band energy & purple hair, of course there’s gonna be a ton of fangirls there. I get a message from my amazing -so-much-better-than-this-loser -Gyeongsu sister

Namgyu!! We see you!!

“We” like Sae doesn’t have the eyesight of a weak hamster??

Shut up like you’re much better?!

Yuh huh

This girl starts running to me, “JIYEONG!!” “NAMGYU!!” I hug her as she runs up to me, Saebyeok is standing behind her wringing her hands “Hey Namgyu” “Hey Sae!” I hug her awkwardly “So where are we going Namgyu?” Gyeongsu asks “Ummm” “I think we’re going to me & Jiyeong’s hotel-“ Sae stops herself, she feels bad for speaking up so soon.

“Sorry” “No it’s okay, Jiyeong, is that the plan?” I say, Sae is nice, she’s surprisingly humble too; she’s a model for Chanel, she’s not too famous but- “Ohmygod, Saebyeok? From Chanel?!” “Yes, that’s me, hah” “Omg I looooove your work, you’re my fav model everrrr” “Thank you” “Can I get a pic?” “Uuummmm sure!” They take a pic “Okay baiii!!” “Bye!” She wrings her hands again, this happens sometimes, especially here, because there’s a ton of teenage girls. Then it hits me, how the FUCK do we get out of here?!

She puts her hood up & her arms around my sister, I’d usually tease them but right now my main priority is the exit. “Should I call a taxi?” I say “Yes please” I wish she had offered to call the taxi, I’m broke, she’s flirting with Miss. Chanel over here. We go to some dodgy looking area where no one’s about & lean on some weird metal electric thing that is DEFINITELY gonna explode if we’re not careful.
“103001” Brr brr, brr brr, brr brr “Hello there this is Seoul taxis speaking!” “Hi, could I pick up a taxi from Seoul…metro station?” “Okay! Which one” “Ummmm, the one near the concert.” “I KNEW IT David, I WON, now hand over the 120000 won.” “Ohh errrm sorry you weren’t supposed to hear that, yes, we’ll send a taxi over there shortly.”

“Okay, thank you.” I don’t know whether to laugh or look around, I do both. We start talking blah blah blah “how are you” blah blah blah “this is gonna be so fun!!” Blah blah ughhhh Anyway the taxi arrives LATE, we walk & we get into it, the door won’t open, the taxi is black & it’s a Honda, the door opens. “Yo, cool taxi, man!” Gyeongsu says “Thanks.” “Where you going to?” I look at Jiyeong “The hotel by the stadium.” “Okay” We drive there, I look at my reflection in the wing mirror, Saebyeok has her hand on Jiyeong’s thigh, I pretend not to notice, gotta lock in & get that rich sister in law. They’re playing Thanos on the radio.

This is gonna be a long ride.

Chapter Text

I don’t know what to do, I keep chasing these highs of us.

Saebyeok is here with me, again, like she always is, I feel ill when she’s not near.

Namgyu & Gyeongsu are just bantering, when are they not?

I never saw Namgyu in his youth, I would’ve liked to, though, maybe I would understand why he’s so…strange.

I love him, he’s just weird, in an affectionate way, of course.

I don’t know why Gyeongsu is so close to him though, dunno why he sticks around, they’ve got nearly nothing in common, maybe they did a few years ago.

I can’t be speaking, I don’t know why I stay, & I don’t know why she does either.

I can’t ever have her, I never will, I’ll chase forever like a dog & a bone waiting for her to come throw me her heart. I want her so bad & I know she does too, but we can never be, she’s rich & gorgeous & I’m…

I’m not either of those things, I’ve told her this before: that she’s too good for me.

She told me that I’m the prettiest girl she’s ever layed eyes on.

God, she’s looking out the window, she looks like a painting. I grab her hand, she squeezes mine, caressing her thumb across my knuckles, the way she did the night we kissed at dusk, after one of her photoshoots, we had to run away because the director said she had to be out the place by 10.

I hate to romanticise all the times we’ve spent together, I wish we were just friends, & maybe I’d be okay, maybe I wouldn’t have to pine away for her like a dog, maybe we would be accepted, maybe I would be.

Gyeongsu & Namgyu notice our hands & start giggling, they’re whispering now, honestly they’re so gossipy it’s crazy. I remember what Namgyu said to me that night I came to his house after me & Sae got into a big fight.

“Destiny has its ways, & maybe the road will be long & treacherous, but you’ll get to the right destination in the end, even if you start off on the wrong path.”

I want to believe this, I want to believe that I will live to see the day where I’m known as more than some girl that killed her Dad & hangs around her brother & not-so-platonic best mate, I want to see the day that people aren’t ashamed to love me. I want her to brag about me, I want her to show me off, I have stupid dreams of the days that I’ll meet her family & her brother & we’ll all be happy.

But I don’t think those days will ever come, I think I’ll live in misery forever, waiting for her.

The car stops, we’re at the hotel.

Chapter Text

“No fucking son of mine.”

The words repeat back in my head, “no son of mine”, “no son of mine”, “no son of mine”.

My parents wanted me to lead a simple life, marry a girl, never work, live off my father’s wealth.

I never wanted that, I wanted something more than that.

I told them this, multiple times, they would always tell me that it’s “no use” & that kids like me should be “seen & not heard.”

I was never heard in that house, in fact, I wasn’t even seen, the maid raised me.

My parents hated my quick tongue, they hated the fact I had opinions, that I actually could think for myself.

They thought of the poor as filth, & anyone different as less then that,

they used slurs like it was a sport, well at least my father did.

I looked around at everyone else, why couldn’t I be happy with what I had? I had money, I had girls, but something was missing. Yeah, I was popular & shit but I didn’t understand why I wasn’t normal, why I’d look around to guys & their girlfriends & want to be the girlfriend, that was until the 13th of May 2007.

It was warm that morning, when he came through the door. I should’ve smelt the red flags, I mean: he wore more cologne then he did clothes, I should’ve known. It didn’t help his scent though, he still smelt like shit.

I should’ve focused on this, the fact he was an absolute fucking loser.

But I didn’t, I focused on the way his lips moved when he spoke & how his hair was always nicely sleeked back, I was his only friend, & yeah, he wasn’t really into girls, & maybe I fancied him a little bit, but I shouldn’t have.

Anyway he came round to the house one day, we made out because hey, I’m down? Yeah so one thing led to another & I’m the guys’ pants, my dad walks in, I get my ass beat.

& also get kicked out

At 16

With no where to go.

So yeah it kinda sucked but then I remembered hey! I’m rich! Kinda…

Yeah that’s all my Dad’s money…

So what do I do? I just sneak back into the house when he’s not looking, it’s not like he checks, he’s always away from home.

I stay at Minsu’s for like 2 days, wait for Dad to go on his work holiday in New York for 2 weeks, easy? Wrong.

Yeah so Minsu had moved in with Semi, which is fine, I’m actually very close friends with her, maybe even more I am Minsu, so that wasn’t a problem, but they had absolutely no space. They had just moved in together, Semi was slightly older & could afford an apartment & Minsu had dropped out early & went to university, so he needed a place to stay that was closer to where he studied, that meant that there was absolutely no space whatsoever for me, it was only 2 days though, I could handle sleeping on a sofa.

It was a lot more than 2 days.

The plan was to crash there for 2 days, as I’ve said, & then sneak in, as I’ve said. I tried to sneak in, I forgot my keys too! But I got in.

Stayed for a night

My dad didn’t go on that trip, it got cancelled, & when I went down to the kitchen he found me & kicked me out again.

So I was fucked.

I spent the next 7 months sleeping on Semi & Minsu’s sofa, sometimes I would sleep in Minsu’s room, I once slept in Semi’s room when she was away, it was luxury, I got a bed! Rare stuff.

Then I started to make music, & god it got out of hand.

It started with Minsu, a £7 app on my Apple Mac & some lyrics that I wrote while seeing the stars black out high, every night me, Semi & Minsu would gather round in the living room trying to find the perfect beat, then it would just click. We had made something great, it went on for months like that, it was as close as I’ll ever get to peace, my best memories are gathering round that stupid laptop & laughing & singing, it was the best.

But the second I stepped into that school building I had second thoughts on that. Every day had a slice of heaven & 7 shots of hell, Semi & Minsu are the only people that got me through it.

“Thanos, come here, we’re rehearsing.”

Then came the fame, it hit like a truck.

The day after we released that album we were already getting record deals, which was insane considering the fact that all we had was a MySpace (to promote, of course) & a hit on the iTunes store, nothing fancy.

I was 16 when we released that album, I’m 33 now, far off from those days.

I miss them sometimes, but not really. I miss my 20s for sure, but 2008? Nah.

Some of that shit was hell, too hard to talk about.

I’ve got to get out my own head.

I make my way to stage to rehearse.

Chapter Text

She stares at me like an angel, god it’s so bad, I want her so bad. She thinks we can’t ever be together.

We can be, she just doesn’t realise it yet. I don’t care that I’m rich, I don’t care that I’m “pretty” she thinks she can’t have me, fuck I’m gonna die alone, aren’t I?

I wish I hadn’t screwed things up with her back at Pentagon when we surprised Namgyu: he wasn’t impressed by us showing up to where he worked, but his boss was.

I wish she would just speak to me, I hate confrontation, but I wish that she would talk to me about how I could make things better, how I could make her better.

I want her so bad & she doesn’t even know it, she probably hates me: thinks I’m all in it just for lust, but I’m not.

“Ughhh, Gyeongsu, can you help me get these bags into the elevator?”

Back to reality.

“Uhhh…I’ll help you Namgyu.” I say, taking the suitcase from his hands.

“Thanks sae, NO THANKS Gyeongsu.”

“Shut the fuck up asshole.”

“Says you you wanker.”

They bicker, they always are: I find it hard to read them sometimes, which is strange because I can usually read people like a book, but they’re different, I think they’re joking, however.

“Oooookay lads, that’s enough.” Jiyeong pats their shoulders.

“We’ve got a concert to be worrying about! Those tickets weren’t cheap, & Ticketmaster makes it hell to try get them, let’s enjoy our blessings!”

Namgyu shuts up.

We get to the 3rd floor, where our room is, the room number is 354.

The room has two single beds, a tv, a sofa bed & a chair bed.

“I’M TAKING THIS BED!” Namgyu shouts, running over to one of the single beds.

“I’ll take this one!”

Great, Jiyeong & Namgyu have taken the 2 actual beds, leaving Gyeongsu & me to fight over who gets the sofa.

“I guess I’ll take the chair.”

Have I…WON? I got the sofa bed! Still not that good but uhh….better than a chair.

Namgyu & Jiyeong are already in their beds.

“What should we watch on Tv Jiyeong?”

“Hmmm….”

Jiyeong & Namgyu are sitting upright, Namgyu has the remote in his hands.

“How about nothing.” Gyeongsu interrupts.

“We’ve got 2 hours before the show & Namgyu I think you might need to do a few touch ups before leaving the house…”

Namgyu’s eyeliner was subtle, but not anymore, it’s smeared down his face.

“Shut the fuck up Gyeongsu, we’ve got time, we’re right next to the stadium, let’s just chill for now.”

“Well…Thanos is gonna see you looking like that.”

“Thanos isn’t even gonna see us.”

For some reason I very highly doubt that.

Chapter Text

“Can you actually hurry the fuck up & stop being such a slow coach? We need to actually get to the stadium?”

We’re walking down to the arena, Jiyeong is doing her makeup as we walk.

My legs hurt, they hurt from all the walking, I look down as to sigh, I control my breathing, I am NOT looking like a big back heaving over a 15 minute walk right now.

‘We’re nearly at the stadium’ I tell myself as I push my weight foreward.

“FUCK!”

There’s a ringing in my ears, my head stops for a moment.

The hangover is still here from last night, it’s only just catching up to me.

The weed doesn’t help, neither does the coke withdrawals, I’m only “clean” of it because I can’t afford it, the second I get my hands on it I’ll be right back on track, finally back to the euphoria.

Which should be in around 3 days.

But I probably shouldn’t be stoned while at a concert, so it’s probably for the best, Gyeongsu doesn’t know about how bad the drugs have gotten, in fact, he can’t know! Neither can Sae or Jiyeong.

“Namgyu, what’s wrong?”

“Uhhh nothing, just hangover.”

I’m gonna die at 35 at this rate, I need to quit, I’m surprised I’ve made it this far.

I sometimes stare down the powder, remembering how I stared it down when there was blood on the floor & I wanted to forget everything, my life was going right, but those boys were so violent, & they never changed. I saw the violence & thought they might come around, switch up, stop fighting each-other all the fucking time, but they didn’t, they were so bitter.

We’re still walking there, my legs are practically jelly at this point.

But hey, I ain’t looking like a biggie today! We’re gonna struggle through it.

I take around my pockets, making sure that I’ve got everything.

• Phone
• Tickets
• Greek Myth book (don’t ask)
• Keys
• Keyrring with an Angel wing on it & a lightning bolt, to represent Hermes & Zues, corny, but Gyeongsu got it for me when we were 17, straight after I started doing coke again & he found out, he got me it to cheer me up, he knew I was going through a rough patch

Gyeongsu doesn’t however know that I never quit, & if he does, he thinks it’s just a once in a while thing, it’s very much not.

I remember how life was like before the drugs, when we had just turned 16, we were all so happy, kinda.

Yeah, I got bullied a shit ton, but I had Gyeongsu, & that’s all I really needed.

For my 16th birthday we stayed off school, he came round to my house & slept over, we listened to Thanos’ new album because it had dropped ON MY BIRTHDAY !!

I remember that we pre-ordered it too, it came in the mail at around 18:00, we were able to listen to it on CD when we first heard it.

For dinner we had noodles, my mum let us eat them in the room, we watched some horror movie while we were eating, I barely remember it because I was turned away: I hated the sight of blood, & the characters were playing Russian Roulette, I eventually got used to such sights in my real life, blood was commonplace, but I tried to stay out of trouble: wanted to make it to uni.

We were both so scared we couldn’t sleep, we spent the entire night gossiping, some kid in our class was dating this absolute wanker with a YouTube channel, I didn’t know how much I’d get to know them, both of them, however.

I don’t think we even slept that night, it’s my best memory, I played guitar & Gyeongsu tried his best to sing: we ended up both laughing at that.

It was before everything went wrong, before I even fully understood what the weight of such illegal substances could have on your mental & physical health.

I was fit, I was healthy, I had a social life, ish.

Coke changed that.

It was killing me slowly, & I didn’t care, I got it for free if I tried hard enough, I got laced a few times, it drained the life out of me.

The only thing I had was crack, I hated it.

So I tried to get clean, lasted nearly year, had a good shot.

The rest is a mix of horror & running away from cops, which is not something I want to be thinking about right now.

I’m going to a concert, might as well be excited?

“So uhh…any songs in particular you want him to play?” I ask

“Hmmm…anything off his debut album, it was his best.” Sae jumps in, she’s starting to get more comfortable around us.

The stadium is only a few more yards away.

“I think his self titled album was his best, it was like his disintegration.”

What’s Gyeongsu talking about disintegration for?! That’s my music! He doesn’t listen to that shit!

“Gyeongsu, I thought you hated the cure”

“I don’t, I was just saying it to annoy you.”

I’m gonna wring his neck if he’s not careful, much later though, because we’re now right outside the stadium.

“FINALLY!” Gyeongsu groans

We all place our hands on our knees & breathe heavily, I guess we’re all bigbacks.

There’s groups of people gathering, we’re not the first but not the last.

We take our place in the line & wait.

Chapter Text

The lights are flashing outside, I sit, waiting for my cue to go on stage.

There’s laughter in the crowd, mostly girls.

I sit like a child looking down the stairways.

I grip the mic in my hand as if a knife, I haven’t stepped foot onto this stage since 2016, I remember the nerves before I stepped on stage, then everything came naturally, just getting on with the show.

I wrap one of my arms around my knees, I think of when I stepped on the same stage in 2009, then after the show, how horrible it was.

I remember Kang Mina, I remember throwing up in Semi’s toilet, I remember Semi & Minsu patting my back as I was hunched over said toilet.

I remember lying on the bathroom floor after.

I remember sitting down crossed legged in the living room before.

I remember too much, stuff I don’t want to, I want to get on that stage & then go home, where I have money & privacy.

I have a pretty nice hotel tonight though, my room is massive, apparently one of Minsu’s friends is staying there too, I have no clue who that friend may be, I don’t think I want to though, no one goes to concerts alone, well, barely anyone does.

Minsu’s friend probably has a group of people with him, I’ve also heard said friend is a bit parasocial about me.

I hear the screams in the crowd again, pure joy, something so rare.

Music brings people together, but why does my music do that? It’s not even that good…

“You’re up, get ready.”

I fall onto my hands & push myself forward, going behind the curtain.

My back is faded away from the crowd, both hands clutching the microphone.

The curtains drop, I turn around.

The rest of it is all muscle memory.

Chapter Text

The concert is starting, we’ve got the best place ever, we’re at the front of the crowd, & standing.

We could practically touch the stage.

Thanos comes onto the stage, he stands at around 5’11, he walks down the stage, he opens with his debut song.

I like his debut songs, had more emotion to them.

I remember the first line of his debut album, & I remember the first time I heard it.

“The closest I’ve ever been to heaven is staring down the barrel of a shotgun.”

That line always resonated with me, it was so raw, so honest.

It was brave to start an album with, apparently it wasn’t the first song he wrote off the album: he wrote it last but him & his friends agreed it sounded better at the start.

That’s the song he’s opening with, somehow being here makes me feel young again, like how I was when me & Gyeongsu would turn everything someone said into song references, back when I would listen to MCR with Gyeongsu, back when we would dance around in the kitchen instead of sleeping.

He would always sneak into my house at night, or I would sneak to his: we were inseparable.

Then a bunch of people started calling us gay & shit, so I stopped being so clingy with him, he was just my friend: nothing more.

It was strange I got rumours with him but never this one guy…

Who I hate, fucking asshole, ruined my life.

Part of that friend group I got into when I was 16, but he didn’t do the drugs, he was “too good” for them.

He wanted to keep up with girls, it’s all he wanted, he messed with my head, & when he was done with me? Treated me like trash.

Sometimes I see him, he’s a little famous, & my blood boils.

I think he’s in jail right now.

The lights are flashing bright, it doesn’t help my already quite ill state.

Thanos paces the stage, walking down & up & down & up.

He turns in our direction, but doesn’t look at us.

Gyeongsu starts freaking out when he point in the general direction of us: he’s pointing at 100 other people too.

Me & Gyeongsu & Sae & Jiyeong are dancing & smiling & laughing.

It’s so freeing.

Our arms are around eachother’s shoulders.

The song ends, we all cheer & scream.

“I know you all know the lyrics to this, so please, sing as loud as you possibly can.”

The entire crowd screams, the guitar picks up, Jiyeong & Sae hold both of each-other’s hands & jump up & down.

Me & Gyeongsu are singing along, happiness.

We stare at the figure pacing down the stage.

Thanos crouches down in our direction, I catch eyes with him, fuck, this is some teenage girls’ dream right now, not mine ! They’re much more deserving, they’re gonna enjoy it more.

He is practically singing to me, he lets out his hand & I touch his fingertips.

He stretches his hands out more, holds my hand for a beat then slides his hands off, nah, what in the wattpad?

This is some “Y/N gets adopted by One Direction” type shit.

He smiles down at me, then puts his hands to his neck, unclasping his cross necklace, handing it to me.

“No way that happened to you Namgyu.” Gyeongsu gasps.

I stay still, he’s still over here, honestly, I wish he would just go away, I don’t wanna go viral, I like being private.

I just stay still, clutching the cross in my hands till my knuckles turn white, the song ends.

“Hey, enjoying the show tonight?”

He says this to me & the entire crowd, looking around as he says it.

Everyone screams, he walks away, finally.

“We’ve got some great people in the crowd tonight, why don’t I come meet some of you?”

Fuck.

He comes over to me first, great, actually amazing, so happy.

“So, what’s your name?” He asks

Bro what the actual fuck man I’m a fucking 31 year old man why don’t you go meet the screaming teenage girls or maybe even Gyeongsu, I’m just here because I have to be.

“Uhmmm…Namgyu.”

I reply.

“Namsu…nice name! & what brings you here tonight?”

He points the mic in my face again.

“Gyu. & Uhhh Just here with my mate & my sister & her mate, me & Gyeongsu here used to listen to your stuff back in 2008.”

I can’t believe I pulled that one off. He looks around, smiling a bit & nodding.

“Damn 2008, how old are you man?”

“31.”

The entire crowd laughs, public humiliation.

“Mhm…sure you are, enjoy the show tonight, Nam-Nam uhhhh Su!”

He moves onto another person, sae & Jiyeong are laughing at me, Gyeongsu is violently shaking me.

He moves onto the group of screaming teenagers now, asking if they’re enjoying the show, he then moves onto a pretty looking girl in the crowd, I recognise her from somewhere.

“What’s your name girl?” He asks.

“Junhee.”

There’s no fucking way.

She used to go to my school, the “pregnant chick” she was nicknamed.

“Seems like you’ve brought your kid too, how old are you?”

“16.” Her kid replies, god, she’s all grown up, it’s weird to see, like seeing those AI generated photos of characters getting a happy ending & having kids & stuff.

I hope she’s doing okay.

He goes around a few more times, he preforms a few more songs, there’s screaming, there’s crying.

Then the show is nearly over, one last song.

He plays my favourite song by him, it’s slow: it’s a love song, it’s about Hades & Persephone, addressed from Hades to Persephone.

I think the concept is pretty good, but slightly inaccurate. Gyeongsu always complains about me making everything into a Greek myth reference.

The song is beautiful, there’s violins & harps & church organs.

He probably hasn’t even ever picked up a Greek myth book in his life, that doesn’t really matter though.

The song ends with confetti.

The crowd cheers.

“Namgyu, are you crying?”

Wait, am I? I get very moved by that song, maybe lost my own train of thought.

“No.”

We make our way out the stadium, the buzz is still in the air.

We’re all laughing & going through photos that we took.

I want to freeze time right now, pause it, but I can’t, it goes by too fast.

Chapter Text

The lights are beaming down like migraine inducing angels.

The show is over, the party’s ended, the high is now only available via other sources or substances.

I walk backstage, my shoes scrape across the wooden floors: it’s the kinda thing mothers warn their kids about:

“Don’t scrape your shoes across the floor! You’ll damage them! They’re expensive!”

My mother never warned me about that, but I guess in theory some mothers might.

When I walk through the gatherings of staff & lanyards & booze & afterparties: my only concern is getting a ride back to the hotel.

I’m tired.

I’m not allowed to be on alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, vapes, or any substances for the next few weeks-months while I’m touring: they say it could affect my health to preform.

They’re right, I just don’t want them to be.

Semi & Minsu are here somewhere, I really don’t wanna run into them, I’ll have to get into a conversation or something when I really just wanna be in that hotel lobby ordering the most expensive item while blasting music in my ears so loud that my doctor has to come check up on me.

Then I want to go to sleep

& then I want to get some nicotine in my system

Unfortunately I can’t do the last part.

For now, I can go get my bag

& get someone to call me

a taxi.

“Hey Thanos!”

Fuuuuuckkkkkkk

“Oh hey Semi…”

Minsu can’t be far behind her.

“Me & Minsu & a shit ton of staff are having an after party, you wanna come? It would be strange if you didn’t but I guess it would make sense, you’re probably super tired & busy & you’re not allowed to drink recently…”

I don’t want to go, she knows this.

Minsu appears behind her.

“My boy Minsu! C’mere!” I ruffle his hair & swing my arm around his shoulder, he shoved it off.

“Hey Thanos…”

“Look who’s shy, huh? How’s it going Minsu?”

“It’s fine, you did great tonight.”

“Thank you my boy…fuck!”

My head stings, those lights are getting to me.

“What’s wrong?” Semi asks

“Nothing, just a headache.”

“Ahh okay, it’s best you go back then, I’ll call you a taxi.”

Yo…I’ve succeeded! I didn’t even have to do anything & I’m going back to the hotel, now I just need to get my bag & think of what food I fancy right now.

“Thanks Semi, you really didn’t have to.”

“No! Don’t worry about it! Go get ready.”

Heaven.

I know my bag is in the dressing room, in my bag I have AirPods, an iPhone, my keys, around 100 000 won in cash, a copy of trainspotting

in paperback form, a Polaroid & a Polaroid photo of me, Semi, & Minsu when we first started recording in 2008, I like to keep photos with me, especially of the past, they’re soothing, remind me of what once was. I like to think there’s a time I can take a Polaroid again & actually cherish it, instead of just using it for album promos, but that’s just a dream. I used to dream of now, now I dream of then.

There’s a buzzing sound coming from the corner of the room. Currently: the room is dark, like dusk, the kinda dusk you only get when you have to be on a plane by 7am & got 2 hours of sleep max.

I collect all my stuff & make my way out the door, I walk through the building thanking Semi & saying goodbye to everyone, the taxi is already here, how is it that fucking quick?

I get in, the driver is playing my songs in the taxi, he starts a conversation with me, asking if I’ve just been to the concert.

Then he actually starts to pick up on the fact that hell yeah I’ve been to the concert, but not because I was watching it. He kinda freaks out.

I leave, I get a photo with him, I make my way to the lobby.

I sit down at a table blasting born slippy by underworld in my headphones, taking a sigh as I let myself sink into the pillowed chair.

Then I hear someone.

“Just say hello to him, it’s no big deal!”

Oh fuck, another fan, wait.

I recognise him, he’s the one I gave my necklace to at the concert, & I swear I recognise the guy standing next to him. Then it hits me.

‘This is my friend who’s going to the concert, his name is Gyeongsu, he’s probably gonna be a bit parasocial about you so just avoid him, he’s also probably gonna be with his best mate…I don’t think me & his mate will get along very well from what I’ve heard…’

I wanna meet this guy.

“Hey, aren’t you Minsu’s friend, & I gave my necklace to you at the concert, come, sit, don’t be shy.”

& so they do.

Chapter Text

Dang, how did he just let us at his table?

I rummage through my bag, making sure my phone is still there, I place my book on the table while doing so, it’s not like anyone’s gonna care, & I’ll pick it up soon.

“I remember you from the concert, & you, short haired guy, you’re a friend of Minsu’s, right?”

“Yes, I am.” Gyeongsu replied.

Thanos smiles, then looks down at Gyeongsu’s fuckass shirt, I see his smile twitch a bit then he looks back up, plastering on the smile.

I need to break the tension, fast.

He isn’t tense but I fucking am.

“Me & Gyeongsu here just came to your concert because we were super big fans… you got us through high school…hahah.”

I need to lock the fuck in.

“Did I now, glad to be of service.”

Corny ass motherfucker but hey, better than what I would say.

“Remember I bought the tickets though, Namgyu, remember that.”

“With our money.”

“My money, actually.”

“Well, that affected both of us.”

It now concerns me that we need to shut the fuck up, I can keep my trap quiet pretty easily: Gyeongsu can’t.

“Yeah, but just because it was rent money doesn’t mean it wasn’t mine, you forgot to pay your half of the rent last month anyway-“

“Shut the fuck up gyeongsu” I whisper in his ear.

“Wait… what did you just say?” Thanos replies to Gyeongsu.

“I said I spent my half of the rent on it, what about it?”

“What the fuck, how are you gonna get that money back? I can refund you if you want?”

What the fuck has Gyeongsu got us into? We’re gonna make him feel bad holy fuck man also how the fuck are we supposed to take about 200 000 won of the guy? How are we supposed to get that kinda money from him?

“No no you don’t need to refund us I promise we’ll find a way-“

“Actually a refund wouldn’t be enough, the tickets were around 200 000 won, Namgyu doesn’t know this.” Gyeongsu points in my direction “but I ended spending a lot of money on merchandise & our dinner tonight, so in total I ended up spending around 1 million won, which is our exact rent.”

“Holy fuck Gyeongsu you didn’t tell me this you asshole.”

Thanos is just staring blankly, slightly open mouthed. I don’t get what’s so shocking about this, the only person who should be shocked is me. Why does he care? It’s not like he’s ever gonna see us again, why would he care for us? We’re strangers he’s never met, he’s got bigger problems. Suddenly his expression changes, I can’t catch up on what it is, however.

“Hey, you two, I’m gonna make you a deal.”

A smile is on his face, he’s grinning, like he’s planning something, a scam, a mission, consequences, something, it’s not gonna be good. I can see by the glint in his eye it’s not gonna be good.

“A million won, you said? Is that right?”

He looks at Gyeongsu, smiling at the side, keeping the front looking genuine, his hand is on the table, he’s got a tattoo of a line that traces up to his arm, & his nails are painted like the infinity stones, original. He flips his cross round (which has just twisted the wrong way) with his other hand, which has a much more intricate tattoo that I don’t have enough time to look at.

“Yes, 1 million won exactly. Why?”

My point exactly Gyeongsu, why?

“You, what’s your name again, Namsu, right?”

“Namgyu.”

“Ahh okay, Namgyu, huh? Means southern, right? You from the south?”

“Well obviously I’m not from the North am I?”

I couldn’t say that joke around Saebyeok.

He laughs a little.

“Your parents from here too? From South Korea I mean.”

“Well my Mum’s from the Philippines & my dad’s from-“

“Oh the Philippines! I’ve always wanted to visit there, is it nice?”

“Well I’ve only been a few times but, yeah, it’s nice.”

“Good, good, anyway, Namsu-“

“Gyu.”

“Alright, sorry, Namgyu & uhhh”

“Gyeongsu” Gyeongsu replies

“Yes, right, Namgyu & Gyeongsu, I want to make you a proposal, you said you needed money, right? I’ll pay it off, but on one condition.”

“No, no, you really don’t have to-“

“What’s the condition?” Gyeongsu says

“Well, I saw you liked Greek myth, huh?”

He taps the book, fuck I forgot I put that there.

“Well, I used to read a bit of it back when I was younger, used it as song inspo, 7 labours of Hercules, right?”

“12, there’s 12 labours.”

I know this shit like the back of hand, I read Greek myth like sport, this bitch can’t even get Hercules right.

“Whatever, for ease it’s 7,  I want you” he points at both of us “to do me 7 favours, not anything too bad, you up?”

I look at Gyeongsu, we look at each other.

“Sure?”

“No fucking way.”

Why is Gyeongsu saying that there’s no fucking way, it’s me that should be saying that, not him.

“Well Namgyu, I guess it’s just you & me huh? Why don’t we write a list, huh?”

“Uhmm…okay.”

He takes out a ballpoint pen & a napkin, he starts to write.

Damn he’s fast.

“Damn, what are you writing?”

“You’ll see.”

He continues writing, he finally lifts his pen off the napkin, just to put it right next to the top of napkin, he’s… doodling?

“Where do you work, Namgyu?”

“Club Pentagon, why?”

“Oh I’ve always wanted to go there again, I actually used to preform there back when I was 18.”

“Uhhh…cool?”

“Here, done.”

There’s a little picture of me, just my head & hair, smiling. Thanos is also there, & Gyeongsu too but he’s angry & he has an arrow saying “party pooper” next to him.

“Hey! Rude!”

“It’s true, Gyeongsu.”

“Oh fuck you.”

We both laugh.

I correct a minor spelling mistake & start to read.

The 7 labours of Namsu Gyu

1. Buy me (Thanos the great) a sandwich & bring it to my dressing room before the next show
2. Work on stage crew, we’re short staffed
3. Clean out my guest bedroom, the cleaners have refused.
4. Get me a ride to Busan for a show
5. Help out with an on stage thing, such as preforming, you might have to preform, we’ll see
6. Work as security for one night, there’s one night that were understaffed
7. Show me how club pentagon has changed.

Thanos - +82 23010 124354

This list is insane, how am I supposed to do all this? I guess it’s for the rent.

“Deal.”

Oh, one more thing,

Thanos said 7 labours, like the Greek myth Hercules

But I’m not gonna do 7 fucking labours.

I need it to be accurate.

So I guess I’ll do 12, those other 5 labours? I’m not sure what they’re gonna be, I guess we’ll find out.

So 7 labours, I guess.

Well around that

Maybe 7-12?

Chapter Text

Choose life, choose a job, choose a career, choose a family.

I’m back in the hotel room, watching Trainspotting, again.

Choose a fucking big television.

Damn, that Namsu guy was weird. Not in a weird way, but who just accepts to basically be a slave for someone you’ve just met? I mean, that Gyeongsu guy was a lot weirder but at least he had the social skills to understand that this isn’t normal shit to be doing on the daily. They’re both pretty broke though, & who am I to be judging? I’m 10x worse, I gave him that list.

Choose washing machines, cars, compact disk players & electrical tin openers.

I’m kinda waiting for him to text me, I didn’t get his number & I need to add it to my contacts, he needs to be up here in the morning.

Choose good health, low cholesterol, & dental insurance.

Ping! A notification is up on my phone.

+82 1246725669

(~🇰🇷☆Namgyu☆🇵🇭):

Hey, it’s Namgyu, from the hotel lobby, is this Thanos?

Oh so he did text back, but I’m not keeping his stupid fucking “aesthetic” contact name.

Namgyu (personal slave):

Hello? Are you leaving me on read?

Me:

Ohhhh look who’s getting all clingy, & yes, it is Thanos, shift starts at 07:00 tmrw, better get some beauty sleep.

Namgyu (personal slave):

I’m not fucking clingy, also thank you for replying. I’m going to bed, gnn!

Me:

Gn

What a strange guy.

Anyway, back to where I was.

Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments, choose a starter home, choose your friends.

I readjust myself on the bed, my remote still in hand. I should probably get ready for bed, I make my way to the bathroom.

Choose leisurewear & matching luggage.

I don’t wear anything fancy to bed, I usually just wear some Minecraft sweats & sleep shirtless, I don’t even take off my necklace for bed.

Choose a 3 piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics

I brush my teeth, I don’t really care for how long as long as my breath doesn’t smell like shit.

Choose DIY & wondering where the fuck you are on a Sunday Morning.

I’m making that poor Namsu guy work a weekend, he works at a nightclub, though, he’s probably used to it.

Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.

I make my way back to the bed.

Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. 

I don’t get why people look up to me, I’m getting old & I’m not even that good of a person, nobody should idolise me, yet thousands do, how?

Choose your future. Choose life…

Here I am, with my necklace still full of Estacy, & me not being allowed to touch it.

But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?

Who needs reasons when you’ve got Molly?

Chapter Text

“Fuuuuck”, I turn over & hit snooze, as I turn away from the alarm clock I remember

“Wait FUCK!”

I run out the bed, pulling the sheets off with me.

“Ughhhhh” I must’ve woken Gyeongsu, he keeps making that weird tired noise people make when you’ve woken them.

“Go back to bed Namgyu, there’s no reason for you to be up at this time, we’re all trying to sleep.” He sleepily ushers out.

“Shut the fuck up Gyeongsu I have to be at the stadium by 7, this is so that we can afford rent, remember? Just go back to sleep.”

“Assfuck.” He turns back over in his bed, he’s not an insomniac like me, he’ll go to bed fast. He’s a heavy sleeper, too, when he wakes up he’s wide awake: I’m not.

06:12

New Message: now

Thanos:

Namsu, hurry the fuck up time to wake up.

Me:

Assfuck I’m up.

Thanos:

Good.

Me:

I’ll be there soon I promise

Thanos:

Great.

Annoying bitch, texting me when I barely know him, never meet your heroes, huh? He seemed so nice in person, ish, on text? He’s a fucking nightmare, I guess he just acts like this for kicks.

Maybe he gets better.

Okay, I need to get changed, what to wear, what to wear?

I look in my suitcase, I have a Joy Division shirt, a black zip up hoodie with wings on the back of it & a cross, in the front it has a logo that gets cut by the zip, it’s quite fancy, Gyeongsu bought it for me a few years ago. I also have some baggy black jean trousers & some regular jeans. I have a Nike shirt, an Adidas hoodie & some black sweats.

I also have a dress shirt & suit trousers, Gyeongsu said I “might need it” because he’s planning on taking us all out to some fancy dinner place, I prefer takeout but whatever.

I think I kinda have to dress well, I mean, this is a celebrity, I need to look sort of acceptable.

I put on the hoodie Gyeongsu gave me over the Joy Division shirt & put on the baggy black jeans, I unzip the hoodie so I can show the album cover logo, unknown pleasures was a masterpiece.

I check the time 06:30, damn, I need to hurry.

It’ll take me around 10-15 minutes to get there, so I should probably go now, the stadium takes a while to get to, but if I run I might get there quicker? I can’t be bothered, so I might as well just walk at a medium pace, like I did for the concert.

I start to pack my bag, I’ll bring my comb with me, I’ll do my hair as I walk.

Greek myth, phone, charger, keys, money, headphones & where is it…

Pomegranate badge, of course.

I debate on whether to pack the cigs, I eventually decide to.

I quickly put on my jewellery, a silver chain necklace, a black leather bracelet, & a few rings.

I’m overdressed, I really am, but Thanos is always overdressed, why can’t I be?

I pop in my headphones, shuffling my playlist, the first song that comes up is love scenario by iKon

I get out the hotel, I’m kinda speedwalking, I finally get out the hotel.

It’s 06:45, I start to run a bit.

New message from Thanos:

15 minutes my boy

Me:

I’m on my way man

Thanos:

Better be.

Honestly he’s so annoying, why can’t he just be patient.

I start to speed up a bit more

Then more

& more.

This is some people’s dream, you know? It used to be my dream, but now? I just wanna go to sleep, I can’t go to sleep very well but I can sleep.

I’m nearly there, I’m zoning out.

I think of being 17, the rush of everything, the new Thanos album, the people…

Then I remember coke, & the druggies from high school, then the blood, the chairs, the gun

“It’s you & me now Namgyu, let’s see who makes it out of here”

Get out of my head get out get out please

“C’mon Namgyu, don’t be a wimp.”

Fuck get the fuck out my head get out get out

I start running

The door, I remember sitting outside the door, the gunshots, the gasps I held back.

I trusted them

I’m running, catching my own breath.

I remember the ceiling, I remember how I sunk into the chair wishing it all away, wishing I never saw anything.

Second chances? They always end up badly, I refuse to believe in them.

“Gyeongsu? He’s not coming, & if you try to get him to, we’ll shoot him, same for your mother, or that fuckass father of yours, understood?”

I remember how I sank at Gyeongsu’s door the day after, I remember the blood splattering on my face, the eyes, doll eyes, dead eyes, the glossiness of them.

I’m at the stadium now, well, just outside it, I’m at the backstage door.

“It’s just blood Namgyu, don’t be a fucking wimp.”

I try to open the door, fuck, I forgot to ask Thanos for the keys.

Don’t breathe, don’t give yourself away.

I break down outside the door, my breath shakes, my hands shake, as always.

“Namgyu?”

Fuck no, please don’t make me go in there, there’s a gun in there, I don’t wanna touch a gun.

“It’s me, Thanos, hello?”

Then I snap back to reality, I’m here, outside a stadium. Thanos is crouching down infront of me, I need to pull myself together.

“Oh, hi Thanos”

“You okay Namsu? You weren’t doing so hot right then.”

“Yeah I’m fine, just cold, that’s why I was breathing so heavy, hah.”

“In July?”

“Ummm…yes.”

“Okay?”

He looks at me strangely, but he lets it go, we both stand up, I follow him.

“You know you didn’t have to go this way, right? There’s another entrance just round here, that’s only for staff.”

“But I am staff?”

“Not really, you get privileges.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“No problem.”

What a weird guy.

We make our way to the door, Thanos twists the key, it makes that weird metal clanky sound.

“Why were you round at the backstage door anyway? You always go through this door? Are you now your own staff?”

“Namsu-“

“Gyu.”

“Right, I was here because I knew you wouldn’t be able to find the other way round.”

“riiiiight.”

“Anyway, you’ve got around an hour or 2 before it’s the 9-5, better lock in.”

I pause.

“You’re 33.”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“& you’re deadass saying to lock in? “

“What, do you not?”

“I do, but I’m like 31.”

“Same fucking thing.”

I should probably stop picking fights, I have money to be making.

We turn a corner, I’m still following him, sometimes tripping over my own feet because I run a little bit to catch up with him. Damn, he’s fast.

He suddenly stops at a door, the door is blue decorated with posters, fanmail & pictures of him & people I seem to recognise, is that Gyeongsu’s friend?

He twists the handle, it doesn’t budge. He takes through his pockets to find the key, then suddenly someone opens the door for him.

“Thanos! & uhhh…who’s this?”

“This is Namgyu, he’s like my assistant…or more like a personal slave.”

A girl opened the door, she had short hair & a shit ton of piercings, as well as a few necklaces.

“Oh…hey, I’m semi & this is…”

“Minsu?”

“Namgyu?”

No way, Gyeongsu wasn’t kidding, it is Minsu.

“You know him?” Semi asks Minsu.

“Kind of…I’m mates with his mate, who I used to work with when I was younger…me & Namgyu never really…”

“Spoke, we never really spoke.” I shoot Minsu a look, he doesn’t wanna fuck this up, we never got along, never really spoken: just a hostility in the air, an awkwardness, an unspoken beat.

“Yeah…what he said.”

The silence remains a bit too long, everyone is silent.

“Well…Namgyu, I think I’ve heard of you.”

“Yeah, probably.”

Thanos intervenes, thank god, I never thought I’d say that.

“Okay enough easing him into it, let him into the room.”

They step to the side & I shuffle past, Thanos points to a chair & mumbles “sit.” & so I do, semi starts laughing a little, I’m not sure why.

“Are you cold Namgyu?”

“No.”

“You’re shaking, ‘you nervous? Are you scared of him?” She points at Thanos

“No, I’m not fucking scared of nothing, I’m just…tired, I shake when I’m tired.”

“Yeaaaah right.”

“Shut the fuck up” I mumble under my breath, turning away, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, I’m not nervous I’m just scared, this feels like kidnapping.

Maybe being scared is worse.

They both leave, Thanos sits in the other corner of the room, playing with his fingernails.

I look around for “no smoking” signs, there is none.

I take out the packet & start to search for a lighter.

Fuck, I forgot it.

“Hey, do you have a light?”

“No, I don’t smoke.”

I know he vapes though.

“Ah, okay.”

I search around the room with my eyes, I see a lighter next to a candle, I walk over to it, picking it up & lighting the cigarette while it’s in my mouth.

“Oi, you can’t smoke in here.”

“Why? There’s no anti smoking signs or anything.”

“Because I can’t, you’re gonna tempt me with that nicotine, I’m not allowed to while on tour, for my health, I can’t do any substances, for that matter.”

“Uhhh okay? That’s kinda a you problem though.”

“Yeah but you’re gonna get me all cranky & shit, I have a bunch of Estacy on me right now I’m not allowed to touch.

“Okay? & I have a bunch of coke waiting for me that I can’t get, so we’re even.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

This is bizzare. It really is, I don’t understand how I got here, my head is a fuzz. He’s staring me down, I light out the cigarette on my jeans then throw the cigarette in the bin.

“Fucking asshole.”

“Me?” I ask

“Yeah, I’ll take those cigs off you if you’re not careful.”

“I’ll fucking end you if you try.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

We sit in silence for a minute, it’s awkward, you could cut the tension with a knife.

He’s on the opposite side of the room. I play with my nails.

“Woah, don’t think you can be relaxing, you’ve gotta go out in a minute, remember?”

“Oh yeah, I should probably go out now, there’s nothing better to do, what else am I gonna do? Talk to you?” I joke, he stays deadpan.

“You could, but we’re both too tired to have a conversation at around 08:00, so I agree, I suggest you go out.”

“Okay.”

I start to leave the room.

“Woooah, not too fast, I’m specific about how I like my sandwiches, & my snacks in general, it’s morning, so I want some breakfast too, I’ll give you some money too buy something for yourself too, because I’m just that nice.”

“Gee, thanks” I half joke

“Right, I want a Nutella crepe, make sure that it’s from the place down the road & don’t let it go cold, then sandwich wise, lettuce, tomato, ham, no butter, white bread, got it?”

“Yeah…”

“Okay, scram.” He says throwing around 100 000 won at me.

“Holy shit how expensive can a fucking sandwich be?” I ask him.

“Better safe than sorry, now shoo.”

I walk out the room, gee, way for treating your guests.

I start to walk down the corridors, trying to remember my way out, I’m kinda lost, I pull aside a girl with long brown hair.

“Excuse me, do you know the way out of here?”

“Me?” She laughs

“What?”

“Do you know who I am?”

“No, why would it matter?”

“Hah, I’m legit Thanos’ girlfriend, & you are?”

“Namgyu, Jang Namgyu.”

“Riiight, & where do you work?”

“I work at a nightclub.”

She laughs.

“Which one?”

“Club pentagon?”

She laughs even more

“That place? The sleazy place with all the drugs, almost guessed you did.”

“Fucking rude.”

“Sure I am, anyway, go bother someone else, go back to your dealer.”

“Fuck you.”

I walk away, what a rude fucking asshole?!

Thanos is sooo getting his ass kicked when I see him.

I eventually end up at a weird stop, dead end?

I run to what I think is a door, just to slip on a puddle of water.

“Hey, you okay?”

A hand helps me up.

“Yes, fine, who are you?”

“I’m Yongmi, I work here, as a cleaner, sorry, I should’ve put a sign.”

“It’s no problem, thanks for helping me up.”

“No problem, what’s your name?”

She smiles, sweetly.

“Namgyu, not to be rude but I have to get going, do you know the exit?”

“Oh! Yes, sorry, it’s just up there.”

“Cheers.”

“See you ‘round!”

I doubt it, but whatever, maybe I’ll get proved wrong, who knows?

“Bye.”

I walk down the doorway, damn, how could this day get worse?

“Brppp brppp! Brppp brppp!”

My phone cries.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Thanos, can you also get me a Fanta, cheers.”

“Okay, also tell your girlfriend she fucking sucks by the way.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know, this bitch said she was your girlfriend or whatever, fucking rude too.”

“…I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Well I don’t fucking know.”

“What did she look like? Did she tell you her name?”

“No, but she had long brown hair, I think it had some sorta accessories in it too? I don’t know man.”

“Oh not her, if you see her tell her to fuck off, I don’t wanna see her, she’s my ex, thinks we’ve got some sorta ‘second chance’ awaiting us, fucking asshole.”

“Okay, I’ll tell her that, what was her name by the way? Just so I can know if I run into her again.”

“Mina, Kang Mina.”

“Okay, cheers, bye.”

“Bye.”

I keep walking, it takes me around 5 minutes, I don’t realise how fast the time has flown, however, because I was blasting Joy Division in my ears.

I think I might have gotten through 3 songs, I stop at the bakery.

I’ve never been the biggest fan of bakeries, the food makes me feel sick, & the decor makes the place crammed. The smell is nice, though.

I check the menu, I order the Nutella crepe & the sandwich, I checked to make sure it was correct: no butter, ham, lettuce, tomato, white bread, all correct. For myself I ordered a Diet Coke & slice of chocolate cake,

I feel ill, I can’t eat too much.

I thank the lady at the counter then leave, I start eating my food on the way, I don’t wanna get crumbs all over the dressing room.

I remember to not let it get cold, so I quicken up the pace.

I pass a guy on a bench as I walk, he’s tall & his hair is half up, I actually recognise him, too, I used to see him around the corridors in school hanging out with that pregnant chick, I bet her boyfriend wasn’t a fan of that.

Maybe I’ll see him around.

I walk back to the stadium, trying to forget about that whole meltdown I had earlier.

I get through the doors & try to remember my way down the corridor, by some miracle, I do.

I knock on Thanos’ door, I hear a woman’s voice.

“Thanos?” I keep knocking

“Hello?” I ask again

Eventually I just let myself in.

“Namsu! So glad you’re here, I was getting hungry.”

So this is Kang Mina, wearing jeans & a crop top & gold jewellery, she’s standing with her hands on her hips.

She looks at me, then smirks.

“Oh it’s you, that black haired bob bitch from the corridors, the one that asked me the way! Why don’t you go back to snorting that crack a Pentagon & leave us be, okay?” She turns towards Thanos.

“Isn’t that right baby…”

“No, it’s fucking not, we’re not fucking dating, leave me the fuck alone Mina.”

“& do you really think you can bag anyone better than me? C’mon, I was your best catch, & you made the first move, actually.”

“Okay, but that’s well behind us, leave.”

“Well-“

I cut her off, I can’t listen to her anymore.

“Fuck off Mina, no one wants you here.”

“What did you just say to me?”

She turns towards me.

“You heard me, get your child labour crop top & melting mascara back in a Hongdae nightclub & leave us be.”

“Uh…you can’t be talking about no Hongdae nightclubs, you work at one!”

“Yeah, & I’m being payed, not going after someone else’s money, leave the poor man be, he has hair yet to be damaged.”

“Oi!” Thanos pipes up.

“Yeah, Namwhateveryournameis, you’re being rude, leave us be.”

“Shut the fuck up Mina.” Thanos replies.

“He’s just at having a laugh, do as the man says & let us be, goodbye.”

“But-what?!”

“Goodbye.”

Thanos shoots her a look.

She stands there.

“We’ll call security…” I say.

“No you wouldn’t.”

“Actually, we would.” Thanos says.

He types a few numbers into his phone & lets it ring, eventually Mina flips us off & leaves.

We laugh a little bit, I feel my head go dizzy.

His death was all your fault.

It was just a bunch of junkies.

Why do you care? It’s not like they cared anyway.

There’s always coke & heroin to fall back on.

You’ll never see them again.

You put your best friend in danger.

The room spins round, I fall to my knees.

“Namsu?”

Fucking hell.

“Namsu?”

My head rests against the door, I close my eyes, I think I’m knocked out.

Task 1 off of Thanos’ list - completed

1/7

Task 2 off of Namgyu’s list- completed

2/12

Chapter Text

The lad’s just fainted infront of me & there’s not really much I can do about it.

I do the only thing I can, which is stupid, but it’s better than nothing.

“Namsu?” I shake his shoulders

“Namsuuuuu?” I shake him again

It seems this isn’t working, I think for a beat.

Right, water, ice, that’s what you usually do.

I rush around the dressing room, where can I find these things? Oh…

They’re outside, & Namgyu’s resting on the door, I’m so cooked.

I look around again, there’s a glass of water in the corner, I could use that.

It’s half full, or half empty, whatever floats your boat, but none the less it’s lacking.

I get it, I don’t really know what to do, so I just dip my fingers in & spread the water across his forehead, this is kinda gross.

He breaths a little bit heavier, he moves his head.

“Hello?”

“Thanos?” He grabs my hand, still unaware of his surroundings.

“Yes, it’s me, you passed out.”

He stays still for a moment, then opens his eyes, suddenly he snaps.

He uses both his hands to sit up, pushing himself forward.

“Thanks, sorry about that.”

“No problem” I say, he’s still pale.

His breath is shaky, I hand him the, admittedly, quarter of the way full, glass of water, he holds it up to his lips, drinking it shamelessly. He lets out that sound you make when you drink water to fast, then slams the glass down on the floor.

“You good, why’d you pass out?”

He contemplates this answer, letting it linger for a second too long.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it, I’m just tired.”

I think this is a lie, it’s obvious.

I don’t say anything, but I know somethings’s wrong, like how he was when I found him at the door, he’s not doing very good today, I don’t know why, I don’t even really know the guy.

Maybe he’s just coming down with a fever or something.

“Okay…” I place my hand to his forehead.

“You seem okay enough, I suggest you just get some rest.”

“Are you my mum or something?” He stares at me.

“No, just worried, my boy, can’t have my assistant passing out on the first day, aye?” I ruffle his hair, he gives me a look.

“Aye… yeah…”

He looks at me strangely like I didn’t just work overtime for him, & probably get myself late for stage.

20 minutes rehearsal today, it’s shortened because none of us can be fucking bothered, honestly.

I check my watch, I have around 10 minutes.

“Fuck, I’ve gotta be on stage for rehearsals soon, do you wanna come, will you be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, I’ll be okay here, how long will you be?”

“I’ll be 20 minutes for rehearsals, I’ll take a 10 minute break in here just to get ready for stage, so I suggest you leave when I get dressed, then the show is 3 hours, with a break in the middle for 20 minutes, then I’m free.” I say

“Okay, cheers.”

He stretches his legs, I stand up. He sits for a few more seconds.

“Are you tired?” I ask him.

“Yeah, I always am.” He stands.

I’m actually really worried about this guy, he could legit die in my hands for all I know.

“Well why don’t you take a nap in here while I’m on stage?”

“Uhh…”

I grab a blanket for him & sit him down on the sofa, it’s a Hello Kitty blanket I stole from Mina but that’s not really an issue right now.

“Hello kitty?” He asks as I hand him the blanket, he gives me a look.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that? Don’t fuck with Sanrio man? ‘Fuck’s wrong with you?”

“No man, I do, I just uhhh…prefer Kuromi?” He’s forcing those words out.

“Beggars can’t be choosers, now, I have to be on my way, you can take a nap in here you want.”

“Okay.”

He waits till I’m half out the door to lie down on the sofa, resting his head against the arm rest of the sofa.

I hope he’s okay. Hope he doesn’t fucking die.

I get back in the door, I forgot to tell him something.

“Yo, Namsu, if shit happens, Semi & Minsu are just down the corridor, okay?”

“‘Aight.” He replies.

He lies on his side,

I leave.

I make my way down the corridor, again, like I do nearly every fucking day.

Rehearse, again.

All over again.

Chapter Text

“Glad to hear, Namgyu.” Ha-joon said, leaning against a brick wall, smoking & letting the cloud dance around in the air.

When Namgyu was young, he used to think that cigarettes were beautiful, the way they’d overdramatise their ignition, like a volcano where a flame was lit, they were slender, like a beautiful woman, & they created artwork when they were finally released. The name alone ‘cigarette’ was romantic, they were works of art, abstract: they can kill you, he knew this, but that made them even more beautiful, like a warning, a story of greed, greed for nicotine.

Something Namgyu had before he even understood what it was.

He’d always romanticise drugs, thought they were ‘cool’ when he was young, he didn’t want to admit he thought that though, because he knew he was wrong. ‘Drugs aren’t cool: you just think they are because it’s something you want but can’t have.’ He’d say to himself, knowing that he wasn’t lying, so why did he feel like he was? They were some sorta key to something he’d been missing, his entire family had previous addictions, but usually just alcohol - the heaviest you would get is weed.

He determined that the addiction trait had passed onto him, he researched this, ‘genetic addiction’ it was called, he understood this completely.

He didn’t want to mess up his life, he joked about taking shots till he blacked out & snorting coke knowing damn well it was only half a joke, he was young, he had his whole life ahead of him: he didn’t care, he wanted it, he needed it, in fact.

“Yeah, it took a while, & it’s hard sometimes, but I’m glad I quit.”

Namgyu smiled, he was 17, he started drugs when he was 16, but craved them years & years before, then, he decided it was more downsides than anything, so he finally quit, after months of suffering, but having the euphoria at the same time, the dodgy scene, the withdrawals, everything, it was too much.

He was finally clean of it all, well, for now.

He wasn’t going back to those stupid ways he’d found to make himself high without drugs that he did when he was much younger, either, he was gonna make himself clean by any means necessary, fresh start, eh?

No cigarettes, cut down on alcohol, & no cheat codes, should be easy, right?

& it was for now, ish.

Not really.

He remembered who he was sitting in class at 14, barely able to make it out sober, knowing damn well he had never touched any illegal substances or drunk underage, the closest he had got was some breathing exercises on YouTube that made you trip out, he got all giggly & shit. It’s strange, craving things you’ve never had, but it’s all he knew, it drove him insane.

He figured that when he was 18 he’d be able to go down to the docks & get some pot to ease it all, & it was the only thing that kept him going.

He wasn’t gonna fail his exams for a fucking high, & he figured getting such things would be a lot easier said than done, he didn’t know anything about it, he didn’t even know how he was supposed to pay, & he didn’t want to get involved with dangerous gangs.

Well, in the end he did get involved with dangerous gangs, & he wasn’t 18, he felt like he failed a little, but the feeling was overall that he finally made it, he could finally get something that would make him feel whole.

It didn’t work, there was still that emptiness inside him, no matter how hard the drug, he tried every drug under the sun, while others bragged about the needles in their arms, it made him want it more, he wanted to be one of them, he was like a little kid being let astray by the ‘big kids’ who were really just using him, making him do all their dirty work while he just wanted to impress his friends.

So no, it wasn’t just pot, it started that way, then it was heroin, his saving grace, the saving grace that would kill him in the end.

“Good on you lad.” Ha-joon patted his shoulder Namgyu laughed, yeah, he was hanging around the druggies that fucked up his whole life & future possibly, but he decided to forgive them, he decided it was easier this way.

The real victim, however, was poor Gyeongsu, the lad who had to constantly cover up for Namgyu, hiding his coke & saying “it’s just flour” when his little cousins came over, they were gullible enough to believe it.

Buy Gyeongsu didn’t want his little cousins near heavy drugs, so he expressed this to Namgyu.

It’s hard to get through to someone to get them to quit the only thing that keeps them going, but Gyeongsu, after months, finally did.

Namgyu was doing better, you could see it in his face, Gyeongsu said he was “practically glowing.”

Namgyu was trying his very best, & it was paying off, he took it as signs from the universe (even though the guy wasn’t very spiritual) when his life started getting better, when luck came his way, when he got a pay rise, when his favourite albums were back in stock at the local record shop, when sales started popping up everywhere, he saw it as goodwill, a “keep going”.

He said goodbye to his friend-of-sorts & made his way down the stairs, apologising to passers by with a bit too much alcohol in their hands.

The door.

The door where it was about to happen, the door with the blood streamed across it that Namgyu couldn’t see yet.

A scream

Blood, blood, blood.

It’s all rushing back to him now, it always does

He turns.

“Well, adios amigos!” A gunshot

Oh god, it’s all coming back.

No, no, no, no - not this again.

He wakes up, jolting out his sleep, his head is racing & his palms are sweaty, yet his feet are trembling from the cold.

He’s not in that dodgy old nightclub anymore, he’s in Thanos’ dressing room, & none of those lads back at said nightclub can hurt him now

“Namgyu?” It’s Thanos again, great.

“Oh, hey.”

“Are you okay? I just came in to get ready before the show & you seemed to have been having a nightmare or something.” He spoke in a soft tone, the kind mothers use.

“Yes, fine.”

“Okay, see you, I would say call me if you need me but I’ll be on stage, so just call any of the staff, say I said it’s okay…” he checks his watch & adjusts his mic.

“Oh shit gotta run, bye Namsu!”

“Bye.”

This is fucking weird, but for now his main priority is getting through these next 24 hours without another breakdown.