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“What if you leave him?”
The question might’ve been only five words, but long confessions that’d been held back for years hid between each letter; monologues sealed themselves behind the question and Gyuvin hoped Ricky felt the verity and desperation in his voice.
“Gyuvin.”
“Ricky, please.. I didn’t know who I was. I mean- I..” he struggled to find the words, eyes darting around the quiet room of their friend’s mansion. The loud noises from the party going on downstairs were silenced in the room where they stood. Just the noise of the air conditioning and grandfather clock in the hallway. “I didn’t know that it was- it was you. I didn’t know it was you.”
Ricky tensed his jaw, eyes pinned on Gyuvin’s when he spoke. “Well he does.” Gyuvin wasn’t sure Ricky said that to convince Gyuvin or himself. Either way, the tone of his voice was far from convincing. And Gyuvin came here knowing he’d have to say and do a lot to earn this boy’s trust and love back. But he was willing to do and say anything in order to do so.
“Does he?” Ricky’s glare was like a spear through Gyuvin’s heart but he held his gaze. “Where is he tonight?”
“Don’t act like you know how I’ve been living for the last two years.”
“Ok sure, so he knows it’s you,” Gyuvin suggests, clearly not agreeing with the statement. “But do you know it’s him?”
Ricky bit the inside of his cheek, looking away. “These things take time. You just said you didn’t know it was me and-“
Gyuvin didn’t give Ricky a chance to continue. “And if I said I have known since the day I left, then what? Does that change anything?” If the desperation in his voice wasn’t obvious before, it surely was now. Ricky’s expression changed, ever so slightly.
“Gyuvin…please leave.” Ricky made his way to the door but Gyuvin ran past him and beat him there, standing directly in front of the handle. He held his hands out to try and hold Ricky’s, but when the blonde didn’t move an inch, Gyuvin took a deep breath and ran them through his own hair, trying to calm his nerves.
“I know you miss me just as much as I miss you. I know you’ve ached for me every second we’ve been apart.” Ricky’s eyes fell to the floor between them and Gyuvin knew he was right. “Day by day, you’ve tried to tell yourself it’s him when you know it’s me— you know it’s us.”
“Is it?” Anger laced Ricky’s words and Gyuvin could tell he set something off. “Why are you so convinced we’re meant to be together?”
“Ricky-“
“Meet someone new! Find your person! Why are you so sure it’s me you’re supposed to be loving so deeply?” Gyuvin’s eyebrows furrowed in concern and he slightly shook his head.
“Ricky-“
The blonde interrupted again. “What is so special about me-” he pressed his hand against his chest a few times, “-that makes you so sure? Have you even tried to see anyone else while we’ve been apart? I’m the only man you’ve ever been with!”
“Ricky, I don’t need to meet other people to be sure I love you!” Ricky’s next question overlapped the last few words of Gyuvin’s sentence.
“Then why did you leave me?” He screamed this time, tears forming in his freckled eyes. Gyuvin let out a short sigh.
“I left Korea because every place had a little bit of you in it. Everywhere I went I was reminded of you. I tried to convince myself I wasn’t in love with you, that everything was platonic.” Gyuvin couldn’t read Ricky’s expression. “My whole life I’ve been expected to meet and marry a woman. Loving a man the way I-“ he paused. “Loving you the way I did was too drastic of a change to accept. Denial was my only familiar escape.”
Silence.
“I couldn’t tell anyone about my feelings. And burrowing them away did the opposite of what I hoped it would.” Ricky’s jaw tensed again and Gyuvin fell to his knees, eyes staring directing into the ones that belonged to the man he loved. “I don’t think my heart can take the idea of you loving someone else,” he whispered.
A few more seconds of silence felt like an hour; like needles poking Gyuvin’s back each second that passed.
“I’m sorry…” Gyuvin hated how much he sounded like a desperate ex—though that was exactly what he was. He wanted to do anything, everything to show how genuine he really was about this. About being by Ricky’s side again.
“I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t..” Ricky looked into Gyuvin’s eyes and his expression softened. Immediately, tears began to fall. “Gyuvin, I don’t know what to do.”
Gyuvin didn’t say anything. Instead, he stood up and took small steps toward the boy he used to be glued to and embraced him. A part of him still felt stuck like maybe the glue hadn’t completely dried while they were apart. But Ricky’s hesitant hands caused him to doubt such a thought. Gyuvin had to remind himself Ricky still has a boyfriend. Although he wanted to be with him more than anything, cheating was never on the table. Respecting Ricky’s decision was Gyuvin’s priority—and probably the most difficult one.
“I know this is me being selfish, but…” Gyuvin gulped, his right hand gently stroking the back of Ricky’s head, loving the feeling of Ricky’s soft hair in his hand. “I would do anything to have you back with me. Please.. just.. consider me again. I’ll wait for you, however long it takes.”
Ricky stuffed his face in Gyuvin’s neck and cried. It was like those words found a ticking time bomb that’d been weighing on Ricky’s heart for a long time, and it just went off. His cries were loud but muffled, his body shaking when he’d take a deep breath in to cry some more. His hands squeezed the sides of Gyuvin’s shirt, knuckles turning white from how tight he held the cotton material.
“This isn’t fair,” Ricky said, quietly, between tears. He lifted his head, his face a blotchy mess, and looked up at Gyuvin. “I should tell you to leave.” Gyuvin’s eyebrows furrowed, the expression in his eyes changing slightly.
“I know.”
“I should tell you that you lost me long ago and you don’t get a second chance.” Tears continued falling as Ricky lightly pressed his hands against Gyuvin’s chest. “That you don’t deserve to have me back.”
“I know.”
“You left me and now you’re here claiming you need me. You hurt me, Gyuvin.” Ricky semi-yelled as tears still fell, hands curling into small fists before they fell back to his side.
“I know.” They stared into each other’s eyes, Ricky’s stained with tears as Gyuvin’s threatened to do the same. “I know,” he whispered this time with a heavy, shaky exhale of breath. He lifted his hands and very gently ran his thumbs under Ricky’s eyes, wiping the salt water off of his soft skin. The blonde closed his eyes and moved his hands so his pointer fingers were holding Gyuvin’s front belt loops, taking in the touch he’d yearned for since that day in late May.
Any time they were this close, Ricky always held Gyuvin’s belt loops. Even though Gyuvin found it a bit weird—or as he told Ricky, different—he didn’t realize how much he’d missed it. Memories and emotions he’d buried deep down for years suddenly shot up his throat and throughout his body. He gulped anxiously before placing his hands on Ricky’s waist, just resting them there. He knew if he tried anything else, the night wouldn’t end the way he prayed it would.
⟡ flashback to may — two years ago ⟡
“Where’s Jiwoong?” Gyuvin asked, tossing the bag of snacks they’d gotten from the convenience store onto the couch. He and Ricky decided to have a sleepover tonight since they realized they hadn’t had one in Ricky’s new apartment yet.
Ricky shut and locked the door, slipping his shoes off. “Oh I forgot to tell you,” he ran over to the couch and plopped down, hands digging into the grocery bag. “He’s been gone this whole week at his grandparents.”
“So you’ve had the place to yourself this whole time?” Gyuvin asked with a wide smile on his face. He took a seat beside Ricky and grabbed the tv remote to turn on the drama they agreed to watch on the way here. Ricky hummed and nodded before stuffing his face with some chips.
When the episode started, Gyuvin stretched his arms above his head and yawned. Ricky’s hand smacked his stomach and he curled forward with a groan.
“Dude, you can’t be tired already, we just got here!” He said after swallowing the last of his chips. Gyuvin glared at him for a second before grabbing one of the couch pillows and setting it in Ricky’s lap. He sprawled across the unnecessarily long couch and rested his head on the pillow.
“I’m watching,” he said so Ricky wouldn’t hit him again. He heard the blonde scoff before the sound of the tv was the only thing heard.
A few comfortable minutes passed by and Gyuvin woke up from another five-second daze where he’d nearly fall asleep but abruptly wake up when Ricky would slightly shift in position.
“Hey, my legs are cramping, sit up.”
“I don’t want to,” Gyuvin complained, nestling his head into the pillow even more.
“Kim Gyuvin-“ Ricky began, making Gyuvin chuckle a little. It was always cute whenever Ricky tried to be angry. “Get up or I’m gonna push you off.” Gyuvin closed his eyes, a content smile plastered on his face. “I’m serious, Gyuvin, I’ll do it.”
“You mean you’ll try,” Gyuvin corrected, just loud enough for Ricky to hear—which was intentional.
Ricky shifted out of the criss-cross position his legs were in and used his hands to push Gyuvin’s shoulder and arm so he’d fall forward. Not expecting Ricky to be as strong as he was, Gyuvin grabbed the bottom of his friend’s t-shirt and pulled him down with him. His grip stayed strong on the shirt so when Ricky fell forward, he pulled it slightly so the blonde was on top of him.
“Gyuvin!” Ricky shouted as he landed on top of the boy. He moved his legs to a more comfortable spot that made it easier for him to lift himself up.
Their laughter slowly began to die when they made eye contact. Their gummy smiles turned into shy, parted lips, the drama still playing in the background. Gyuvin gulped, looking up at Ricky, watching him breathe. Watching how his oversized shirt hung low, exposing half of his collarbone. His eyes followed the heart necklace Gyuvin had gifted him last valentine’s day dangle around his neck, before they found their way back to Ricky’s eyes.
There was something there, something Gyuvin knew would never be said aloud. He watched Ricky’s adam’s apple move as he gulped. When he felt Ricky begin to move away, Gyuvin sat up and caught his hand against the carpet. Ricky was basically straddling Gyuvin at this point, slightly leaning forward as Gyuvin was using a bit of his core strength to hold himself up.
“Wait…” Gyuvin said, glancing at Ricky’s lips. Well, what was meant to be a glance that actually turned into a long stare. Ricky licked his lips and pursed them together into a thin line, ears turning slightly red.
“Gyuvin.. we should-“
“Just..” Gyuvin interrupted, releasing his grip on Ricky’s wrist and moving his hand to cup his jaw, instead. “Just let me… see.”
Gyuvin knew Ricky liked boys. It was a topic Ricky made sure to bring up the day they met, saying not many people would be his friend because of it and he didn’t want it effecting their relationship in the long run. Gyuvin, of course, didn’t have a problem with it. He’s never had a problem with other people’s sexualities.
Until now, that is. Although, “problem” may not be the correct word in this situation.
They made eye contact, Ricky’s eyes holding genuine concern inside them. When Gyuvin leaned in slightly and Ricky didn’t move away, Gyuvin closed his eyes.
Gyuvin’s heart pounded against his chest when he connected their lips. Ricky seemed hesitant to do anything at first, letting Gyuvin take the lead. The brunette wasn’t unfamiliar with kissing; many girls had the opportunity of sharing a kiss or two with Kim Gyuvin, some meaningless, some genuine, and some drunk.
But when Ricky finally started kissing back, it felt different from every kiss he’d shared before this one. Gyuvin’s hand curled behind Ricky’s head and rubbed up into his hair. With his eyes closed, he forgot he was kissing a boy. It was just their lips dancing together, finding their own rhythm.
Gyuvin began to lean forward, his other hand finding its way to Ricky’s neck, running all throughout his soft hair. Ricky’s hands jumped to Gyuvin’s waist for support as he slightly fell back against Gyuvin’s lean. He yanked forward and Gyuvin’s body slid against the carpet so Ricky was really straddling him this time. Gyuvin’s head angled up as he desperately kissed this friend some more, pushing aside any consequences or unanswered questions they’d have to deal with afterward.
Ricky softly bit Gyuvin’s bottom lip between the kiss and Gyuvin was gasping for air, a tiny whine escaping from his mouth. Without realizing it, he whispered a small “Ricky” before pressing their lips together again, more desperate this time. Ricky’s grasp on Gyuvin’s waist tightened, his nails digging into his sides.
“Gyuvin,” Ricky said, finally pulling away and taking it all in. Gyuvin’s hair was a disheveled mess, strands sticking in every direction, his eyelids droopy. Ricky’s hands moved under Gyuvin’s shirt and up his waist, Gyuvin flinching at the touch. The boy beneath Ricky let out a shaky breath as his eyelids drooped a little more. The blonde tried to hide his smirk as he leaned forward, kissing Gyuvin’s jawline and down his neck.
“Ricky..” Gyuvin whispered, his hands moving under Ricky’s shirt to feel his back. As Ricky moved down his neck and to his collarbone, Gyuvin squeezed his eyes shut tighter and dug his nails into Ricky’s backside. “Ricky..”
The blonde moved back and made eye contact with Gyuvin, doe eyes all innocent-looking. “Yes, Gyuvin?” He whispered. A long, shaky sigh left Gyuvin’s mouth before he gulped.
Within seconds, they were back on the couch, lips fighting for dominance as Gyuvin leaned back against the armrest, Ricky still on top of him. He pushed his knee slightly between Gyuvin’s legs and Gyuvin let out a soft whine between their kisses. Ricky pulled back and removed his shirt, Gyuvin fighting to keep his eyes open.
He’d seen Ricky shirtless on numerous occasions: school, their part-time job at the pool, changing at each other’s houses, etc. But this time was different. This time Gyuvin stared at the toned chest in front of him, hands immediately tracing the subtly lined abs he didn’t remember Ricky having.
When he looked up into Ricky’s eyes, Gyuvin’s heart dropped. He suddenly became painfully aware of the situation and what he’d just done.
Ricky shuffled back so Gyuvin could sit up comfortably, a heavy knot forming in his chest. He could tell from Gyuvin’s expression what the rest of the night would be like.
“Are you ok?” Ricky asked, his voice quiet. When Gyuvin looked at him again, he saw the splotches of pink around his lips and disheveled hair that somehow still looked somewhat neat.
“Yeah, yeah,” Gyuvin said, standing up. “Yeah, I just…I’m sorry, I’m gonna head to bed now. I’m tired.”
Ricky took his time cleaning up the living room and tossing his shirt back on before he headed into his bedroom. Part of him thought Gyuvin might’ve gone to sleep in Jiwoong’s room, but as he opened the door, he found that thought to be wrong.
Gyuvin was wide awake, lying in bed facing the bedroom door. “Gyu..” Ricky shut the door behind him and crawled into the queen-sized bed beside Gyuvin. He looked down at his friend who stared up at him. Ricky was unable to read the expression on his face.
“Why did you kiss me back?”
Jiwoong always told Ricky if he’s ever asked a question where he knows his answer will change the mood entirely, he’s to answer with his own question.
“Why did you kiss me at all?”
“I…” Gyuvin broke their eye contact and sat up so they were shoulder to shoulder. “I don’t know.” He felt Ricky’s posture slump slightly, so he frantically searched for something to say. “But I- I liked it.”
“What?”
Gyuvin sighed, unsure if he should repeat himself. Then he remembered how it felt when Ricky kissed him back and they fell into a new rhythm Gyuvin ached to get familiar with.
“I liked kissing you,” he said, voice soft like a whisper, turning his head so they made eye contact again. He closed his eyes and hesitantly raised his hand to find Ricky’s face. Ricky lifted his own to help guide Gyuvin where he needed to go. His fingers traced every detail on Ricky’s face. First his cheekbone, his eyebrow, his nose bridge, and then his lips. His fingers lingered there for a moment too long and Ricky planted a small kiss against them. Gyuvin twitched his eyebrows slightly before letting his hand fall onto Ricky’s inner-thigh.
“Kiss me again,” Gyuvin said, voice aching. His eyes were still closed. “Please.”
Ricky felt the knot in his chest undo itself and disappear as he connected their lips this time.
The rest of the night was their’s. And the walls of Ricky’s bedroom in his new apartment held secrets that would never be shared again.
⟡ end of flashback ⟡
“Stay with him.” Gyuvin took a small but obvious pause before he spoke again. “If you love him.”
Ricky let out a whine before pressing his head against Gyuvin’s chest. “Don’t say that,” he whispered between cries and sniffles. “Don’t tell me what I want to hear.”
Gyuvin held Ricky tight and rubbed his chin against the top of the boy’s head. “I mean it,” he whispered. “Give me a second chance and I’ll prove it.”
“You should have been here,” Ricky cried, moving his hands around Gyuvin’s waist and holding him tightly. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“I’m sorry, Ricky,” Gyuvin said, clearly wishing there was more he could do to prove it. “With every fiber of my being, I am so sorry I did that to you. It was wrong of me and you never, ever deserved it.” He let Ricky cry for a few more minutes before he lifted his head once again and Gyuvin cupped it in his hands. “I’ll stay this time.” He wiped more tears off Ricky’s face with his thumbs before continuing. “If you choose me. I promise.”
Ricky looked into Gyuvin’s eyes and the night he vowed to forget played in his head, every detail still intact. Every word and sound that came out of Gyuvin’s mouth still fresh in his brain. His expression changed slightly and Gyuvin knew exactly why. He held Ricky’s hands and leaned forward to whisper.
“I do love your body, but it’s not the only thing I’ve been missing for two years.” Ricky’s eyes glimmered with something like hope, a very subtle smile forming on his face. “Your heart’s the reason I’m back here. Your soul’s the reason I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” He pulled Ricky into a hug. “It’s why I love you.”
“In the platonic way or..” Ricky whispered against Gyuvin’s neck and Gyuvin couldn’t hold back a chuckle.
“In a romantic way,” he reassured, pulling away from the hug and tucking strands of hair behind Ricky’s ear. “I always have.”
⟡ present day ⟡
Two months of falling asleep on phone calls, meeting up for brunches, and long conversations consisting of confusion, reassurance, and everything in between brought Gyuvin and Ricky to where they are now: Gyuvin’s new shared apartment with their close friends, Zhang Hao and Hanbin.
“I’m back,” Gyuvin exclaimed with a sigh, shutting the front door behind him and slipping off his work shoes. He looked into the living room to see Ricky on the couch, in a large t-shirt and his boxers, eating whatever was left of a large bowl of noodles. A light blush snuck its way onto his ears.
“I thought you were getting home late tonight..” Ricky said between slurps of ramen. Gyuvin scoffed quietly as he took off his trench coat.
“You don’t maybe wanna finish that later?” He suggested, motioning to the ramen before hanging up his coat and walking to his and Ricky’s bedroom. He opened the door, walked in, and shut it until it was barely open. Ricky glared at his boyfriend with a smirk on his face. He saw Gyuvin shrug. “Just a suggestion.”
“Right,” Ricky said, laughing. He turned off the tv and stood up, quickly walking to the bedroom where Gyuvin was giggling with him from behind the door.
Ricky pushed the door open and tackled Gyuvin backwards until they both fell onto the bed.
“Not hungry anymore?” Gyuvin asked with a gummy smile on his face. Ricky shook his head, arms tangled around Gyuvin’s body.
“Not for ramen, anyway.”
“Oh my gosh.” Gyuvin scoffed and rolled his eyes, still grinning, while Ricky laughed.