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Summers in the small town always felt like a movie. The warm orange glow casting sunlight over the mountains, the leaves turning their heads towards the light, ready to take on a new day. The sound of cicadas filled Riki’s ears as he biked along the path, the wind gently blowing in his face as he took in the world waking up. He took a deep inhale. Nothing could beat this.
He loved this town. He loved the sleepy mornings, the aunties who gave him free snacks because they thought he was too skinny, the way the sun glimmered over the sea. He loved how the salted air felt on his skin, the shells under his bare feet in the sand, the foam of the water gently lapping over his ankles.
As his bike crested over the hill and the small variety shop came into view, he saw what he loved most about this town.
Waiting outside the door, his own bike leaning against the wall, was his best friend. Park Sunghoon. With grape popsicles in each hand.
“Hey!” Riki shout from the hill, already letting go of the pedals to accelerate the descent from the hill. He let his right arm go from the handle, using it to send big waves to Sunghoon.
Even from this distance Riki could see the familiar panic on Sunghoon’s face. “Idiot! You’ll fall! Grab your handle!” Riki let out a laugh, unworried.
It was always like this. They’ve known each other since they were just boys, Riki following Sunghoon around like a loyal dog. Back then Sunghoon had just tolerated Riki, seeing him as too young to be worth his time. But Riki was a boy with too much energy, and before Sunghoon knew it he would be keeping his eye out, sharply monitoring Riki to make sure he didn’t injure himself. As their bodies changed, their bond grew as well. Inside jokes were born, secret meeting spots and handshakes formed, little smiles only meant for each other were given out freely. Where one was, the never was too far behind.
Riki’s bike skid to a stop in front of Sunghoon. His hair was a mess, sticking out in all corners from the wind. Sunghoon glared at him.
“I really wish you would be a little less reckless with yourself.” He reached out to give a popsicle to Riki.
Riki grabbed it gratefully. “I’m fine Hoon. You need to relax more.” He opened the wrapper, taking a bite out of the end before chewing obnoxiously. “God, I needed this. That ride took me out. Thank you.”
Sunghoon sighed, a fond smile on his face. “You’re not supposed to bite it,” he said as he reached out to try and tidy up Riki’s hair.
Riki leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. He focused on the sunlight kissing his skin, the cool of the grape popsicle in his throat and on his tongue, and the motion of Sunghoon’s hand on his hair. He felt like he was floating.
Until the hand abruptly left his head, and he opened his eyes in confusion.
Mr. Lee, the variety shop owner, stepped out to water the storefront plants with his water jug. He gave the two a look. “Everything ok, boys?” He asked, his voice trying to seem neutral.
Sunghoon bowed, “yes Mr. Lee. Sorry for loitering, we’ll head out now.” He upright himself, grabbing his bike. “Come on, Riki.” He hopped on and started peddling down the path.
Riki felt an unwarranted shame he could not identify the reason for as Mr. Lee’s eyes kept steady contact with his hair, now tamed. He sent a quick bow to Mr. Lee before hopping on his own bike to follow Sunghoon, the sunshine reflecting off the path, illuminating the way.
He loved this town.
----
The two found themselves throwing their bikes on the grass, finding a nice hill to relax on. The hill was the highest in the town, overlooking the ocean. The grass was warm and Riki flopped onto his back, closing his eyes to fully enjoy the sunshine. He had finished his popsicle, now gnawing on the wooden stick.
Sunghoon sat cross legged next to him, finally unwrapping his own popsicle. “Are you going to the festival this weekend?”
Riki opened his eyes, talking around the stick in his mouth. “Yeah. I can’t wait to try Mr. Kim’s bungeoppang. He always gets the crispy edges so right.” He said dreamily, chewing the stick harder, now craving the pastry.
Sunghoon laughed. “You never change do you Riki?” He looked at him fondly. “7 years old or 19 years old. Your tastes never change.”
“Hey, you should be thankful for that. It’s the only reason I’ve kept you around consistently.”
Sunghoon grinned, “I am thankful then.” He threw his wooden stick into his empty wrapper, then snatched Riki’s out his mouth (ignoring his “hey!”) and tossing it in with it. He threw the wrapper into his backpack to discard in a trashcan later. “You’ll grind your teeth down to nothing if you keep doing that.”
Riki rolled his eyes. Always nagging.
“Should I come over first? We can play some videogames before we head out. I just bought a new horror. I need to see you cry when you get jump scared,” he teased.
Sunghoon rolled his eyes this time before shoving Riki, who laughed a shit-eating laugh. Sunghoon huffed out a laugh too before his eyes averted, smile dropping as looked out into the landscape, suddenly silent.
Riki sat up, smile dropping as he took in the change of atmosphere. “What’s wrong?”
Sunghoon fidget with his fingers. “Actually… I don’t think we can go together this year. I asked Sooha to the festival.”
Thud.
Riki couldn’t tell why those words made his heart stop. He couldn’t tell why his brain felt like it was made of glass, the words a bullet that hit the target, or why his body suddenly started trembling.
He forced out a laugh. “Fucking finally! I know your mom’s been asking you forever when you’re getting a girlfriend.”
Sunghoon let out a shaky laugh. “She’s not my girlfriend.” “Yet.” Riki teased, despite his throat burning.
Sunghoon smiled, and Riki swallowed the lump. “Thanks for understanding Riki.”
Riki smiled a true smile. If it’s what Sunghoon wanted, then he can be happy for him. “What are best friends for?”
The two spent the rest of the day biking around town, just basking in each others presence. Once evening hit and Riki panicked about getting home before his mom grabbed the sandal due to him missing dinner a third time in a row, the two part ways, with the promise of meeting early tomorrow.
Sunghoon opened the door to his house after locking up his bike, shouting “I’m home!” from the entry.
His mom came out to the hallway to greet him. “Welcome back baby. Did you have fun?”
He toed off his shoes. He walked to his mother, wrapping her in a hug. Even taller than her, he always felt so small around her. “I did, thank you. I’m starving though.”
She squeezed him back. “Come. Dinners ready.”
He sat down at the table, his head turning to scan the kitchen. “Where’s dad?”
His mother sat across from him. “He’s helping fish for the festival, the town wants a ready supply for the crowd.” He nodded, before grabbing his chopsticks to dig in.
They made idle chit-chat for most of the dinner before Sunghoon’s phone buzzed with a notification.
“Aish, Sunghoon. Didn’t I tell you to leave that in your room during dinner?” His mother tsk’ed, muttering about men and their inability to listen under her breath.
Sunghoon sheepishly grinned. “Sorry mom, it’s just Riki sending me footage of his new horror game. Apparently he thinks it’ll make me cry.”
His mother’s chopsticks stopped moving. Sunghoon was busy typing a reply, not noticing her gaze dropping to the table, a contemplative look on her face. “Okay, I’m turning my phone to silent now. Sorry.” He set his phone down and looked up, finally taking in her expression. “Mom, what’s wrong?”
“Did you tell Riki you can’t go to the festival with him? Because you’re going with a girl?”
Sunghoon’s eyebrows furrowed. “Yes?”
His mother nodded. “Good. You boys are getting to the age where it’s time to start thinking about the future. You’re both too old to be attached to each other like this. People talk, Sunghoon.”
Sunghoon suddenly felt like he ate rocks for dinner, rather than his mother’s delicious chicken, a pit heavy in his stomach. The lingering flavours in his mouth suddenly taste like ash. He chose his next few words carefully, trying to control his breathing. “...What are you saying, mom?”
“I’m just saying Sunghoon. It’s time to start thinking about finding a proper girlfriend and growing into the man I know you can be.”
Sunghoon felt his fists tighten under the table. He felt his body tremble slightly, feeling anger and shame all in one. What was his mother implying?
“I’m saying this for your own good, my love.”
Sunghoon grabbed his empty plate and abruptly stood up, kissing his mother’s temple as he walked to the sink. “Have a good night, mom.”
That night he lay in his bed staring at the ceiling, a million thoughts colliding into each other in his head. Riki.. Sooha.. the festival.. Riki…Riki..
People talk, Sunghoon.
He squeezed his eyes shut, breathing suddenly difficult. He turned to his side, curling up trying to drown out the voices.
Bzzz!
His eyes shot open. The light from his phone lit up his room. He grabbed it with trembling hands and peered at the screen.
Riki: Since you didn’t reply to my last few texts, I’m going to assume you’ve peed yourself in fear and have been trying to clean it up ever since. Good luck, and goodnight! :3
Sunghoon barked out a laugh, the screen blurring as his eyes burned hot. He couldn’t even explain why. He hugged his phone to his chest, closing his eyes as he fell into a troubled sleep.
----
The next morning Sunghoon showed up on Riki’s doorstep, kicking the stand of bike to the ground before knocking on the door. The door flew open, Riki’s bright gaze dazzling Sunghoon for a moment.
“Hoon! You’re here!”
Sunghoon smiled. “You ready to head out?” Riki nodded, shoving his shoes on. He turned his head, shouting “going out, be back tonight!” into the hallway. He didn’t wait for a reply before shutting the door, grabbing his own bike.
The two biked along the path, stopping for stray cats and snacks. Their laughter filled the air, providing a perfect summer harmony with cicadas and crickets. They eventually found themselves going on the downward wind of the cliffside, heading towards the sand and the sea.
They threw their bikes in the sand, Riki instantly grabbing Sunghoon’s hands to drag him towards the water.
“Riki! Wait, I didn’t bring any-!” He never got to finish his sentence as Riki flung him into the sea, water filling his mouth and nostrils. He flung himself out, sputtering water out over Riki’s hysterical laughter.
“You’re dead!” He grabbed Riki’s wrist and yanked, sending him tumbling in beside him.
Riki’s laughter got even more intense, all his teeth on display as he pushed his dark hair back from his forehead. He flung water at Sunghoon, who threw a tidal wave back.
“Hey! That’s not fair! You can’t use your muscles against me!”
“You started it!” Sunghoon countered, childlishly.
They spent the next while chasing each other in the water, not thinking about the fact they didn’t have a spare set of clothes or any towels. All that mattered was each other and the water against their skin.
After they had thoroughly exhausted themselves, they dragged themselves up to the sand and plopped down, breathing heavily. The sun was about to begin is descent, the sky a beautiful pink-purple, the clouds a dreamy indigo. The dusk was quiet, the only noise their breathing and heartbeats.
Sunghoon turned to look at Riki, and he felt his breath catch. His hair was pushed back, sea water dripping from the ends onto his face, tracking down his lovely jaw. His lips were a beautiful shade of pink, his clothes clinging to him like a second skin. His collarbones were pronounced so beautfully, and his lean arms were on full display. The colours of the sky reflected off his honey skin, making him look like a painting. Sunghoon couldn’t take his eyes off him.
As if Riki could feel his gaze, he turned his head to stare directly at Sunghoon.
Sunghoon held his gaze, and the moment was charged with a tension and tenderness neither knew how to address. Riki’s eyes faltered for a moment, going from Sunghoon’s eyes to circle his face. Sunghoon had to tell himself to keep breathing when that gaze fell on his lips.
Sunghoon didn’t know how to explain this feeling. This fullness in his chest, containing both a mix of fear and anticipation. Riki’s brows were furrowed, a tell for his own flurry of thoughts.
Sunghoon leaned forwards, just an inch. He was going to… he thinks maybe he wants to…
People talk, Sunghoon.
It felt like a bucket of ice cold water had been dumped over him. Sunghoon froze, before pulling back. Riki exhaled, a flash of .. something passing over his eyes, before going back to neutral.
Sunghoon scrambled for something to say.
“I think I have sand in my balls.”
Riki’s eyes widened before he howled in laughter, and Sunghoon felt his chest loosen before joining him.
Once the laughter died down the atmosphere felt slightly comfortable again. They sat in silence, enjoying the gentle wind.
Riki turned his head to Sunghoon. Sunghoon stared hard at the setting sun, his body language a touch too stiff to be casual. His hands were unnaturally still, as if he was forcing himself to keep them that way.
“What’s on your mind?” He asked softly, resting his elbows on his knees.
Sunghoon finally fidget with his hands, not bothering with pretenses anywhere. “If you could leave, would you?”
Riki’s mouth opened, not expecting the question. “Why do you ask?”
Sunghoon shook his head. “I don’t know. It’s just a thought that’s been on my mind recently.”
Riki looked out to the horizon. He thought of the beach. He thought of the glimmering sea, the mountains, the morning fog that smelled so crisp it was like breathing in a new life. He thought of grape popsicles, bike paths, and beautiful sunsets. He thought of sitting beside his favourite person, sand and salt clinging to their skin and hair.
He thought of Mr. Lee’s pointed gaze. He thought of Sooha. He thought of all the horrible feelings churning inside of him, and the cage he has to lock them in.
“I love this town. But I’m starting to think maybe there’s more out there.”
Sunghoon nodded, “I think I feel the same.”
Riki turned towards him, staring at him with eyes so open and unguarded Sunghoon’s chest hurt.
“Don’t ever leave me Sunghoon. Please.”
Sunghoon looked at Riki. He saw the little boy he used to find annoying, who became the little boy he was fiercly protective over, who became the man he calls his best friend. He saw the person who he shared his happiness with, and who shouldered his sorrows with him. He saw grape popsicles and late night ramen, bike paths with no destination. His beginning and his end.
He grabbed Riki’s hand before his brain could tell him not to.
“Never.”
----
The night of the festival crept up quickly. Decorations were put up, lanterns to illuminate the night, banners and flags in different colours to bring whimsy to the people. Street vendors all set up next to each other, the mouth-watering aromas spreading to every attendee.
Riki had not left yet. He stood in front of his mirror, judging his outfit. It was simple. A graphic tee, some shorts, and white sneakers. He huffed. Why did he care so much?
He turned to the unoccupied floor of his room, by the foot on his bed. Usually Sunghoon’s spot, he would lounge there while leaning on the bedpost. Except he wasn’t here. He was out there, enjoying the festival with Sooha.
Riki felt that ugly feeling inside him again. He had no right to feel this way. Sunghoon was a boy, of course he was going to find a girlfriend eventually. Riki was too… he just didn’t feel that way for anyone yet.
As much as he repeated that in his head, it didn’t help him get any closer to believing it. He started to sweat. He felt sick. It was wrong. He took deep breaths to stabilize himself, trying to think of happier thoughts.
His thoughts drifted to Sunghoon’s smile. Dependable Sunghoon, who stops to feed stray cats and buys him snacks. Who stays up late with Riki, even if his own eyes are drooping. Whose touch is so gentle even a butterfly wouldn’t run. Sunghoon, who he swore earlier was leaning in to ….
He felt his eyes grow wet. How could his feelings be wrong?
He wiped his face before any tears could fall. He couldn’t fall apart now. He had a festival to get to.
-----
Riki walked through the flurry of people, the smells invading his nostrils and the lights creating a kaleidoscope in front of his eyes. He was stopped by many of the vendors, them ushering food into his hand with a fond clap on his cheek, telling him to eat more. He gratefully accepted, putting on his cutest smile for the older ladies.
He ate his body weight in Mr. Kims bungeoppang, the edges done perfectly right as usual. He played games with whoever happened to be there at the moment. He told himself he was having fun.
He ignored the Sunghoon sized gape in his chest, making it impossible to focus.
He had been looking out for him all night, and then mentally slapping himself for doing so. To see what? Him cozying up with Sooha?
But he never saw him. Or her.
He felt dread pool in his stomach. Did they leave together? Are they having dinner somewhere alone? Are they at Sunghoon’s house .. doing ..
He cut the line of thought instantly. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.
He ran to the outskirts of the festival, feeling like he was suffocating inside the crowd. He ran until he made it to the same hill overlooking the ocean, and collapsed on his knees. He could feel the tears building, the prickle of his nose growing stronger.
“Riki! Oh my god!” Hurried footsteps. Riki snapped his head up, seeing Sunghoon run towards him. Riki thought he must have been dreaming when Sunghoon kneeled beside him.
“What’s wrong?! Are you ok? Did someone hurt you?!” Sunghoon panicked voice shook, his hands grabbing Riki to inspect him for any injuries.
Riki stared at him. Sunghoon was here. Not at home with Sooha. He did a quick glance behind Sungoon.
He slid his eyes back to Sunghoon. “Where’s Sooha?”
Sunghoons hands stopped moving. He looked at Riki. “I told her to enjoy the festival alone,” he said with an averted gaze, looking somewhat ashamed.
“What? Why?”
Sunghoon didn’t make eye contact. He shrugged. “It just wasn’t enjoyable for me. I think I realized a few things when I was with her. It felt wrong to lead her on.”
Riki’s heart did a flip. He couldn’t help it. Sooha didn’t steal Sunghoon away from him.
Sunghoon’s eyes snapped back to Riki. “Why are you crying? What happened?”
Riki blushed. He couldn’t tell Sunghoon he was spiraling over the thought of him having sex with Sooha.
He shook his head. “It’s nothing serious Hoon. Just some spicy food at the festival.” Sunghoon glared at him, clearly not believing him.
“Really though, no one hurt you?” Riki shook his head. Sunghoon seemed a bit more satiated with that answer, understanding Riki did not want to talk about it.
The both of them moved to sit comfortably, their knees already aching from the kneeling position. They stared out into the night, silence falling over them.
“Do you remember when you were 12, and you tried going downhill with no hands on your bike?” Sunghoon said, breaking the silence.
Riki laughed at the memory. “You were freaking out so bad. I really did eat shit that day.”
“I thought you were going to die. I really did.”
“It’s why I only take one hand off now. You don’t have to worry about me dying anytime soon.”
Sunghoon turned his head towards him, his gaze clear and earnest. “You better not. I don’t think I can live without you.”
Riki felt his cheeks redden. What? What bought this on?
Sunghoon turned his gaze towards the sky. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking out here. About the town. Their expectations. About who I am.”
Riki felt his pulse quicken, and he could not tell why.
Sunghoon’s breathing faltered. “I’m scared. I’m so, so, fucking scared Riki. I know what I’m supposed to be. I know what people expect me to be. But I don’t think I can be that person Riki. Because in all those scenario’s, there’s one massive variable they’re not considering.”
Riki felt his own breathing falter, his breaths coming quickly. “What do you mean, Hoon?”
Sunghoon turned towards him, his gaze steady and wet. “I mean I’m so fucking in love with you it scares me. I’m not allowed to be, not here. But I can’t imagine a world where I’m not hopelessly and pathetically yours.”
Riki gasped. Tears quickly filled his eyes, his heart lurching into his throat and his body instantly shaking. Sunghoon loved him.
Sunghoon loved him.
Riki’s lips wobbled as he stared into Sunghoon’s eyes. He angled his body closer to him.
“I don’t think I’ve existed a single day since meeting you where I wasn’t devoutly in love with you. I didn’t understand these feelings at first, but you’re it for me Hoon. I’m yours.”
Sunghoon’s tears finally dropped as a sob left his throat. He grabbed onto Riki’s hands, sniffling and shaking violently.
“Thank God Riki… I’m so happy right now.”
Riki felt his own tears fall as he clutched onto Sunghoon’s hands, pressing his forehead against his, sobbing with his love. Their grief and happiness collided into a physical thing, straining at their throats and heads, but they held on to each other knowing that the other was their salvation.
“God.. what do we do Riki? What the fuck do we do now?”
Riki knew what he was talking about. Hiding from their parents and peers, doomed to have a secret love. Or live openly, being shunned by their community.
Riki refused both options.
“Hoon. Run away with me.”
Sunghoon’s head snapped up. “What?!”
Riki held his gaze, tears not masking the determination in his eyes. “You asked me before, if I ever thought about leaving. I love this town Hoon. I love the summers, the bikes, the morning dew,” he paused and took Sunghoon cheek in his hands.
“But none of it compares to how much I love you. I want to live freely with that love. So please Hoon.. run away with me.”
Sunghoon stared at him in shock. He thought of his entire life, and everything he would be leaving behind.
But as the vignette of his life rapidly played in his head, all he saw was Riki, Riki, Riki..
He wouldn’t be leaving his life behind. He would be running away with it.
Riki was his life.
Sunghoon felt his chest expand to the point of being unable to breathe. The physical ache of pure, unfiltered love pushing at his ribs as he stared at Riki’s face.
He grabbed at the back of Riki’s head, and pushed his face forward to finally, finally kiss him.
Riki’s hands scrambled to wrap around Sunghoon’s neck, Sunghoon’s own arms wrapping around Riki’s waist. The kiss was wet, their tears being smothered between their cheeks, their noses still sniffling throughout. Sunghoon pushed his face forward, unable to get close enough.
More, I want more.
He grabbed Riki and twisted him onto his lap. His hands wrapped around his back, tracing the firmness of his muscles. Riki’s hands twisted in Sunghoon’s hair as he angled his face to kiss Sunghoon deeper. Sunghoon responded with a body shudder and a deep groan.
They left no space between their bodies. Riki wanted to open them up, drag a zipper down from their throat to their navels, and intertwine their hearts, their ribs, their veins. He wanted to be so close that their heartbeats were synchronized, becoming one person. They continued to slide their mouths together, the pressure making them dizzy.
The two eventually pulled apart, catching their breath from the intensity of the kiss. Sunghoon peered up and Riki on his lap. “You mean it Riki? You want to start a new life with me?”
Riki looked down at him, eyes blown wide and soft. “Yes. None of it matters if I don’t have you.”
Sunghoon’s chest ached. It ached with love. It ached with the upcoming loss. It ached with the reality of his childhood innocence gone. It ached with the excitement of the future.
“Then let’s do it. Let’s run away.”
----
When their parents woke up the next morning to empty beds and closets, the panic didn’t set in immediately. There was worried mutterings about, “what if he’s at his house?”
As the day progressed and calls were made, the reality hit the community. The boys were gone. They weren’t coming back.
Their parents grieved; how could they leave? The community shook their heads; what a shame. What a waste.
But in the end no one could deny, in the back of everyone’s mind, whether they wanted to admit it or not, there was a comforting thought.
If they have each other, they’ll be ok.