Work Text:
Maya savored the taste of the double cheeseburger that had been set before her. Half-Price Burger Night was a spiritual experience on par with meditating under waterfalls and pulling all-nighters in the Channeling Chamber.
"I will never understand how someone as cultured as you can enjoy ground beef slapped on bread like this," her fiancé commented from the other side of the booth.
"Simon, sweetheart. This is a sacred time between me and the ground beef. Do not interrupt me." Maya closed her eyes as the melted cheese and greasy meat hit her taste buds all at once. She knew better than to take Simon's griping seriously anyway. He wouldn't have come if he really hated Burger Barn.
"Okay, so: here me out," she said, as she finished swallowing. "Steel Samurai-themed reception?"
Simon smirked. "Why would I need to hear you out? That's bloody brilliant."
"See, I knew we were getting married for a reason." Maya winked at him. "I can wear my Pink Princess-patterned kimono, we could have Samurai spears in all of the centerpieces, hire someone play the theme song on the violin while we're dancing…"
"I wonder what your family will think?"
Maya had no pretensions about that. "I'm pretty sure the only other person who'll think it's cool is Mr. Edgeworth." They both laughed; Simon startling the other customers by striking the table as he did so.
"And then, when all is said and done, I suppose you'll want me to carry you back to the hotel like the Steel Samurai bringing the Pink Princess over the threshold of Neo Olde Tokyo?"
"Hey, it's a wedding," Maya reminded him. "You're supposed to carry me bridal-style. Or, make that 'princess-style.' Otherwise, what's even the point of getting married?"
"So true," said Simon, shaking his head.
She'd been joking, but thinking about it now, it would be fun to have Simon literally sweep her off her feet. Especially after their wedding. She'd been involved in many marriage ceremonies at Kurain Village over the years, and they were no joke. From standing through every ritual and every vow made in the afternoon to dancing through the night, her feet were always covered in blisters afterwards.
It wasn't really fair to Simon though. Why should he have to be the one to bear the weight for both of them? Someone should sweep him off his feet.
"What are you thinking about?" Simon gazed at her with a mischievous grin.
"I'm trying to figure out if I could carry you across a threshold like the Steel Samurai."
"Ha! I'd like to see you try!" he replied.
Maya rolled up her sleeves. "Hey, don't challenge me. I will try it."
"Then try it. I dare you."
They both stood up at the same time. "Alright, let's go! By the light of the pale moon, I shall carry you the rest of the way, my beloved Pink Princess!" Maya declared. People in the other booths stared at them. They couldn't have cared less.
She wrapped one arm around her fiance's waist and crouched down to scoop up his legs with the other. Immediately, her back screamed at her for coming up with such a terrible idea. It was like trying to pick up her Aunt Morgan's couch by herself on the day that her family cleaned out the house. Her knees gave out from under her. She gritted her teeth and forced her legs to rise.
"You're…making this…hard…on purpose…"
Her jerk of a loving boyfriend had the audacity to laugh at her struggles. "Oh yes. It's all my fault for having such an impressive physique."
Maya tried putting one of her feet forward. If only there was a threshold nearby. "I'll…show you…impressive…physique…you…"
Her legs and arms refused to continue cooperating, and Simon slipped out of her grasp. He hit the floor and rolled into the booth across from theirs.
"Excuse me!" A waitress stomped down the aisle towards them. "Would you two please get back in your seats?"
"With pleasure, Miss…" Simon glanced at her name tag. "…Delia."
"You're lucky I don't report you to the manager. Keep it up, and you'll be kicked out of Burger Barn."
Maya clasped her hands over her heart. "On Half-Priced Burger Night?"
The waitress rolled her eyes. "Yes, on Half-Priced Burger Night," she repeated, evidently unaware that Maya was completely serious about the importance of such occasions. "Consider yourself warned."
Simon snorted as she left. "Someone is clearly a Jammin' Ninja fan."
Maya shuddered. "Ugh, do not remind me of that show." Memories of Juan Corrida and his longstanding rival were almost enough to make her lose her appetite.
Almost, but not quite. She quickly forgot the whole thing as she went back to her plate and returned to the delicious, mythical world of the Double Cheeseburger. By the time Simon paid for their check, she'd circled back to her failed attempt to carry him.
"I could do it," she told him, as they took a shortcut through the alley behind the restaurants. "I was just weak from hunger. Now that I have a double cheeseburger inside of me, I'm unstoppable!"
"Oh, are you?" Simon smirked. "Let's see how unstoppable you are."
Maya cracked her knuckles and reached down to pick him up again.
The double cheeseburger did nothing to help the situation.
"I…can…do this…!" Maya tried shifting his weight in her arms. It made no difference. Her boyfriend still weighed a ton, no matter how she held him.
"Careful, love. Don't kill yourself before the big day. I don't want to marry a ghost," said Simon.
He started to disentangle himself from her arms. But Maya was now a woman on a mission. She would carry him, Pink Princess-style. "You're…the Master… of Kurain…" she hissed. "Mind over matter, Maya. Mind…over…matter."
Her knees didn't care who she was or what title she held. They refused to cooperate any longer. Her legs gave out, and she and Simon toppled through the back door of the Burger Barn, right into the kitchen.
Maya felt something hot and sticky underneath her hands. One of the cooks must've spilled something. Some grease, or sauce, or something else that happened to be red and smelled like metal.
Simon groaned next to her, and reached out to grab something for support as he stood up. His hand found a knife lying in between them. The knife was stained with blood.
It was then that they both realized that Delia the waitress lay in front of them, covered in blood and knife wounds. Blood that now covered them too.
The door to the restaurant opened and someone screamed. "HELP! CALL THE POLICE!"
Maya looked down at her bloodstained hands, and at Simon, still holding the murder weapon. "…You've got to be kidding me."
"So…let me just make sure I have this right…" Phoenix pressed his hands together. "You tried to carry Prosecutor Blackquill bridal-style…"
"Princess-style, Nick," Maya interrupted. "Get it right."
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Princess-style. And you decided to do this in an alley. Then you both lost your balance and just happened to literally fall into a murder scene." Phoenix rested his head against the glass wall that kept them separated from one another at the Detention Center. "Where Blackquill then proceeded to pick up the murder weapon. By accident."
"Well done, Wright-dono," said Simon. "Perhaps His Baldness should let you deliver the opening statement. Now, are you two going to get us out of here before the wedding, or not?"
Athena groaned. "We've really got our work cut out for us this time, don't we, Boss?"