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Grian breathed in, this was it. This was his only chance to confess. His only chance to open up. His chance to express to Scar about how wrong he’d been. A chance to apologize for putting Scar through so much. The lying. The cheating. The secret keeping. This was a chance to try and mend the practically shattered relationship between himself and the man behind the door infront of him.
Closing his eyes shut he could picture this conversation happening with his Scar. In a different house, down a different street, in a world not made of blocks and pixels. Though here he was in a world not his own, in a house that definitely wasn’t his own, on a street that he’d only seen a total of six times prior to waking up here. In this world, that only a month and a half ago he had called a videogame. A minecraft server.
He sucked in a breath. He was about to talk to a Scar that wasn’t his own. This was a conversation that he should have saved for the Scar that really needed it. His Scar. However, he knew he would never be strong enough mentally and emotionally to do so. For so long he had thought it better if had he just stay quiet. Around his Scar, it was better that way anyways. After all most days the guilt would be so bad that he couldn’t face his Scar. His fiance. He knew that he would never be able to give his Scar those apologies. Apologies that the man not only needed but really, really deserved. A man he loved more then anything. That was if he ignored his own cheating on said man.
The reason that he’d never be able to apologize to the man was mainly because Grian was scared. He was scared for how his Scar would react more specifically. Would his Scar leave him? He should have. He really should have just left Grian to rot in their apartment ages ago. Scar should have just one day walked out on him with no note, not a text, nothing, and instead just leave Grian all on his own in their shared apartment.
Though what infuriated Grian the most was that Scar never did. he hadn’t left. Hadn’t even packed a bag or called one of his family members so that Grian would be once again living on his own. It always confused Grian. Because when Scar had found out about Bigb and Grian’s affair there hadn’t been a screaming match, there was no kicking Grian out into the rain. As it had been downpouring that day. There was no throwing a dufflebag at him and telling him to get packin’. All there had been was a silent nod, Scar sleeping on the couch, a silent acceptance.
Hell if it had been Grian finding out that Scar had cheated on him in the same manner, he would have straight up left, would have broken things off, heck he would have even blocked Scar’s number and never talk to the man ever again. Had Scar revealed something like cheating on someone like what Grian had been doing with Bigb, or hell if Scar had been withholding information that was important to their relationship, then at that point Grian would have left.
Swallowing down a gulp of air, that felt like ash on his tongue he placed his hand on the doorknob, turned it, and pushed open the door, “Scar?” Grian called out, his voice a near whisper.
There standing at the edge of the bed was the Scar that he had been sharing a house with for the better half of a month. This Scar wore a dark navy almost purple cloak that had red poppies covering the base, Scars littered the man’s body from head to toe, and under his eyes which held an unnatural red hue to them were heavy bags and dark circles that made it look as if he had a raccoon mask on his face.
Grian watched as the man before him shifted slightly to look at him, a kind, tired smile gracing his face as he spoke with just as soft as tone as Grian, “Yes?”
“Can we talk?” Grian asked as he fidgited with his white polo shirt, his ghost hunting badge worn for his various familial ghost hunting expeditions shifting as he played with his shirt.
“Yeah, sure Grian,” Scar stated then tilted his head, “What’s up? Is your room not comfortable anymore? Do you need a health potion or Food? Prehaphs some building help?”
Grian shook his head slowly, “Uh, no, no, everything you’ve given me is great, your great!” Grian breathed out as he continued his thought, “Though building help would be nice, that’s not what I want to talk with you about.”
Grian gritted his teeth how could he even start to express how sorry he was without it coming off as forced, or as over apologizing? Stealing his nerves, he dug his nails into the palms of his hands as he spoke his next words slowly and carefully, “I’m….sorry.”
“Sorry? Whatcha’ sorry for Grian? Did you accidentally break a fence post somewhere in your base or on mine? Because if so, that’s an easy fix,” Scar said with a wide friendly smile. Grian watched as Scar placed down a black coloured shulker box, and pulled out a oak wood fence post holding it out to Grian.
“No! Ugh, Scar I don’t need a fence post, I promise you I didn’t break anything,” Grian stated as he huffed out an exasperated sigh, “ I came here to apologise for all I put you through, mainly within the Life Games, and well to explain myself a bit.”
Scar pulled his head back blinking in confusion, but slowly put the fence post back into the shulker box as he spoke, “What do you mean, you specifically did nothing wrong to me. If anything you’ve been nothing but kind and helpful! As you’ve helped me flesh out Scar Land even better then I could have and that’s sayin’ something.”
Grian breathed in. Frustration already starting to boil within his gut. Why did every version of Scar have to be such a loveable idiot, even if his obliviousness was a little enduring. Here and now was not the time for a man with such a high IQ as Scar to have one of his blind to room reading moments. Even if it was still just a little bit cute, even while Grian was frustrated with the man’s inability to take social cues.
Huffing a sigh, Grian stealed himself once more, “No. Scar look, I-” Grian held his breath for a moment before releasing it.
It was a vain attempt to conjure any half-decent wordage to his pre-prepared word vomit on just how much he had wrong not just the version of the man that stood in front of him but his own version of Scar at home. A version who was more then likely sleeping peacefully in Grian and Scar’s shared bed after six months of Scar voluntarily sleeping on the couch.
“Scar, the reason that I am apologizing is, because of what happened in the Life Series,” Grian took in another breath, trying desperately to hold back the tears of shame and sadness that threatend to fall down his face, “….I know for me it was a game that I made up and that me and my friends played willingly. Though for you and the rest of the hermitcraft members as well as non-hermitcraft members it wasn’t a choice and it certainly is not a silly little game that after a session is done you get to log off and go play something else.”
Grian took another breath. God that he really didn’t believe in this was hard. He had hated learning that the Life Series wasn’t a choice that the rest of his friends and family agreed to do here within this universe. No instead, it was a eight week obligation with each life game that came to pass. That the watchers had thrown them into, only to feast on the those that where thrown into the games misery, with no escape. That was unless a player lost all three of their lives. Stealing himself for a third time he started to speak once more, “To you and everyone else the Life Games are a place, where for eight weeks you and the people you care about die, more then once, with only two respawns given.”
Grian took another breath. Now the hard part, the meat of what he really wanted to apologize to Scar for, “For most of the variations of the Life Game you where subjected to me either ignoring you, abandoning you because in your words, just looking at you made me look sick. Most of the times that I had done this to you was when you needed me most and for that I am sorry. I’m sorry that I left you alone, that I couldn’t save you when you needed it. I am sorry for not always being the person you needed me to be.”
As Grian had finished his apology he watched Scar’s face morph from a kind and caring grin to a look of anger and hatred. Just as Grian was about to Open his mouth to ask why Scar was getting angry at Grian for apologizing about all the pain, hurt, and confusion the man suffered, Scar let out a slow hiss of breath, blinked once then began to speak, “You’re sorry!? Your sorry for not being there for me or not being there for him?”
Grian blinked in confusion what did that mean? Who else would Grian be apologizing to other then Scar? It didn’t make sense, “Scar who else would I be apologizing to other then you? There is no one else here, everyone else is at their own bases or working on their own minigames, remember?”
“I know that your apologizing to me but are you apologizing to me, the person standing right infront of you?” Scar paused to take a sip of a water bottle he must have pulled out of the shulker box, before continuing on, “A person you’ve only known for a month and maybe a few days. Or the most likely scenario your apologizing to the man you’ve spent more then fourteen years around? The man that your engaged to. A man you claim that you love,” Scar hissed angrily, as he walked around the bed, hand resting on one of the bedposts as he sat down slowly on the mattress.
“I-” Grian bit his lip, he knew that this version of Scar was good at reading people. Almost too good at reading people, but this? This was a new level of emotional reading. How had Scar been able to tell which version of himself that Grian had really been apologizing to. Grian had been so sure, that he had kept his word choice vague enough for it to sound like a real apology for the man that stood before him.
“Thought so,” Scar snided as he began to take off his braces that made him able to walk. It was still so weird to see a version of Scar that could walk, even if the man was assisted with redstone powered braces. His Scar back home had been wheelchair bounded for years, prior to grian even meeting the man, something about it being due to how his muscles developed or something like that.
Shaking himself from his thoughts Grian responded with,“I-Scar I didn’t mean it like that, I am apologizing to both of you I guess. Though for different reasons! I promise, ” Though as soon as the words left his mouth he mentally face palmed himself. That did not come out the same way that he had phrased it in his head.
Scar nodded slowly, eyes not leaving his braces as he used his arms to lift his left leg up onto the bed, taking slow movements that most likely hurt with every muscle twitch that was made, “Okay,” Scar said but then swiftly added, as he started to unstrap his other leg’s brace, “Though you do know that I don’t need an apology from you right?”
Grian held a hand to his chin contemplating what Scar was saying, because of course this version of Scar deserved an apology as well. After all it had only been a week after Grian had awoken in this pixelated world, that Scar had explained that just like back home; this Scar had been ignored, abandoned, and left to the whims of fate by the Grian that had been existing in this world. That was at least before Grian had woken up in the man’s place.
To add insult to injury, while the Grian and the Scar here weren’t together in an romantic relationship in any form. This Scar did however, still have to go through the whole fake dating stick that what was Double Life. Only to also suffer through his Grian being an overall dick to him, got the whole experience of being cheated on in the same way that Grian had done to his Scar. By cheating on Scar with Bigb.
Though unlike back home, this version of Scar hadn’t remembered the events of the Life Series. That was well…up until Secret Life. The Life Game where Scar had won. Apparently after Scar had won, the memories of the previous games and the servers that he had lived in before the Life Series had come back to him. Grian still couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad thing that up until the end of Secret Life this version of Scar hadn’t remembered Grian’s misdeeds and arrogance to Scar’s plight.
“But I had hurt you just as much, if not the same as your Grian so shouldn’t I apologize to you for that at least?” Grian asked as he watched as Scar finished lifting his right leg up onto the bed. It did seem like the right thing to do after all, Grian no matter what version had held a hand in making the Life Games.
Scar shook his head, and pointed at Grian as he spoke, “No, you did nothing to me, as I’ve said you’ve been nothing but kind hearted to me, who you need to apologize to is not present at the moment is he.”
“I-” Grian huffed a sigh. He hated the fact that this version of Scar could read him so well….yet it was nice. It was nice to have a partner that was able to read him so well . Even if it really wasn’t his fiance. It just felt nice to have someone be able to read his micro expressions and listen between the phrases that he was say.
Though right now it was rather annoying. So grinding his teeth together. He tried once more to properly apologize to Scar, “Look, Scar is it true that I should also apologize to my Scar. Yes, however, one; he’s not here at the moment and you are, and two; you also desperately deserve a proper apology for all the shit you’ve been through, and by the way you talk, it seems you’ve suffered as much if not more then the Scar that exist back in my own universe had.”
Scar let out a low chuckle, a soft fond smile on his face as he shifted the pillow that sat behind his head, “Hmm, I’m inclined to agree that I deserve an apology for everything that my Grian has put me through, and not just in the Life Games, because my Grian has also done stuff here in Hermitcraft that I refuse to discuss with you,” Grian watched as Scar shifted his body over to the right-side of the bed to look out the window as he talked, “Here’s the thing though Grian, I have no need nor want to receive an apology from you, as you don’t need to apologize to me,”
Scar took a breath a faint smile on his face as he continued, “Because as I’ve said, and I’ll say it again you’ve done nothing to me. You’ve been so kind and you are a very loving bird hybrid, and I love that about you.”
Grian huffed a sigh. This was hard. While the words that Scar were saying were nice and made his heart melt like butter, he just wanted Scar to accept his apology so he could say that he’d done it. He apologized to one version of the man, and that it was all okay. He just wanted the guilt that was eating at his soul to go away. All he had to do was apologize to the loveable idiot infront of him and for said man to accept it.
Though for some reason or another, Scar wasn’t letting him do that. Breathing in Grian decided to ask a different question instead of repeat himself, “But isn’t it nice to get an official apology for everything that’s happened to you?”
Scar nodded, though his teeth were gritted as he began to talk once more, “Yes, yes it is nice to get an apology for all the pain, confusion, and suffering that my Grian put me through within the Life Games and outside of the games. Though here’s the difference, Grian. Your not him. Your not the man that needs to apologize to me.”
“I may not be your Grian but I’ve experienced what your Grian did, because I’ve done it to my Scar as well,” Grian explained, as he ran his fingers through his now greasy hair, it had been a while since he had a decent shower and the showers he has had whilst he has been stuck living on the Hermitcraft server, while they were okay, they still lacked his favorite lavender scented shampoo, and steam that rose to the roof of his apartment.
“You aren’t a watcher with the ability to tell the people you care about the most how their in a death game though, Grian!” Scar finally snapped, his red eyes flashing a dangerous pomagranate red as his anger continued to rise, “You’re not an admin with the ability to wipe everyone you care for memories of how horrible the death games are, or how much pain each and every new game is both emotionally and physically!”
“I may not be a watcher in the same way that your Grian is, but I am still a watcher!” Grian shouted back, not caring that about the fact that the window to the left of the room was open and anybody within the proximity could hear the screaming match that was beginning, “I am also an admin, while no I can’t magically erase everyone’s memories, I still have full control over the servers that each game is hosted in!”
“You may be an admin, but your definitely no watcher. I know my watchers, I’ve had one talking in my ear ever since Secret Life ended, and you are not one!” Scar yelled out, anger clearly still rising within him.
Grian gritted his teeth. Him, not a watcher? Then what was all that time he spent living with the watchers in the group home? What was all of his time from the age of six till he was twelve that he’d spent trying to apease the guardians he had lived with? Grian took a breath. He had to remind himself that the man before him didn’t know anything about him, other then what he had told him within the month and few days that they’ve shared a house together. Though then again he hadn’t even told his Scar where he had been prior to living with Impulse and Skizz either, and he had known his Scar for roughly fourteen years. So really it wasn’t fair to get mad at this Scar for information that Grian hadn’t even shared with his Scar back home?
“Scar, I’ll have you know that I am considered a watcher, maybe not like how the Grian you know is but-” Grian let out a sigh, “I am a watcher, just not like you know.”
“Okay, sure your a watcher,” Scar said sarcastically, he’s gaze now drifting to the open window.
“I am Scar!” Grian insisted through gritted teeth, as he let out an angry huff of air, “Oh, and for the record your the first person I’ve ever told that I’m a watcher.”
` “I find that hard to believe, no one, not even my Grian has hidden the fact he was a watcher,” Scar stated flatly then added, “You’ve must’ve told somebody your a watcher, do your siblings know?” Scar asked, voice no longer holding anger, though he had yet to face Grian as he talked.
“No, my siblings don’t know I’m a watcher, I know my adopted parents know I lived with the watchers and so does Xisuma. He’s a police officer, family friend and the officer that helped free me of the watchers,” Grian blinked. Why in the ever loving hell was he revealing information that he hadn’t even shared with is fiance, but instead he was revealing it to a man he’s barely met? Perhaps because it was easier?
Grian shook his head, “Anyways, that’s besides the point. The point is that not even my Scar knows that I’m a watcher. Unlike here, being a watcher doesn’t give me special abilities, it just gives me trauma and a title I guess,” Grian stated as he walked over to the bed and leaned against the nightstand, hand resting on the base of the lamp post.
“Well if that’s the case,” Scar started, gaze still locked on the world outside the window as he spoke, “What does your Scar know about you? Or are you like my Grian and think that hiding information from other people, especially those you love is a safer option?”
“I’ve told my Scar all he needs to know about me, I may not be as open as him about my life prior to living with Impulse and Skizz, but he knows about everything after that!” Grian snipped hotly, then added, “Why is that important to you! You don’t need to know this stuff about me!”
Scar rolled his eyes, “Would you calm yourself,” Grian watched, as Scar took a breath before continuing, “look the reason that I ask is because my Grian has kept a lot not just from me but from everyone else he’s invited to those wretched games.”
Grian glared at Scar, “First of all don’t tell me to calm down,” Grian took a breath, deciding that maybe for once following any version of Scar’s advice might be a good idea.
After taking his breath he decided to then try and make Scar see that maybe his Grian has his reasons for keeping him and everyone within the Life Games out of the loop. Just as Grian has his own reasons for keeping those close to him in the dark on certain aspects of his life, “Second, maybe he has his reasons to keep you out of the loop. After all it might be just as you’ve said. Maybe in your Grian’s mind it was the safer option for him, then spilling everything about what the watchers are making him do, and then in turn ineintably doom everyone he cares about to certain death.”
“Well look at all the lives he’s ruined and will continue to ruin by not telling anyone anything, and instead keep us in the dark,” Scar stated, finally having the gall to look at him as he spoke, “I mean, you’ve lived through the same experience my Grian has, you had seen what Double Life did to Pearl, what Limited Life did to Martyn’s psyche, the Canary Curse throughout all the Life Games has done to Jimmy, or hell, even the normal shit, like the boogyman curse. Have you ever thought what effect that has on everyone?”
Grian grit his teeth together. Yes he had seen what those games had done to everyone but at the end of the day it was all just a game in his universe, nothing more, there hadn’t been any lasting impact on anyone. Well that he knew of at least. Sure there were slight strains in relationships from everyone at the end of the day, and maybe the games had ruined his and Scar’s relationship, but other then that no one had DMed him asking him to quit the games or if they could leave the games permanently. At least not over a strained or broken relationship.
“Yeah, I’ve seen what the games did to my friends and family, but at the end of the day everyone apologized for whatever had happened during the game to another and moved on, no one was really mad at anyone,” Grian stated, though thought it was best he leave out the fact that him and his Scar’s relationship has suffered due to the games. Even if that was this whole converstion started with.
“Then why did you feel the need to apologize for the stuff you’ve done to me?” Scar asked as he fiddled with a loose string on his cloak, “Oh and for the record, it may not have affected everyone outwardly like it has you and your Scar but it probably caused some issues, that may or may not have been resolved.”
“I needed to apologize because I felt bad for how I’ve been treating him in the games, and just in person in general!” Grian shouted, anger once again clawing at his chest, as he explained once more why he needed to apologize, “Also I know that it may have effected other people differently but none of them have brought anything up to me!”
“So you just want to apologize because your own guilty conscience wouldn’t let you rest without an apology, and yet you’ve chosen a man you barely know and yet you know so well to apologize to instead of the person that probably needs it most?” Scar asked as he pointed a finger at him accusingly.
“Yes! Yes, I apologized to you over him!” Grain shouted harshly. He hated the fact that this Scar could read him this easily, that it was so easy for Grian to open up to this man, because just as Scar said he barely knew this version of his fiance, and yet it was far easier to open up to him then it ever was his Scar.
“Why though, I’m not the one that needs it!” Scar shot back, then added, “Is it because once you figure out a way home it would be like you never said anything, and yet you’ed get the weight on your chest lifted off of you is that it? Am I just a secret diary that you can tell all your trauma and current problems to?”
“No, no no, well…” Grian huffed, “You are right that its easier to open up to because once I’ve gone home then I could truly apologize, it would be easier at least, your more like practice then a diary.”
Scar blinked once, breathed in then said quietly, “Get out.”
Grian blinked, “W-What?”
“Get. Out!” Scar shouted
“But, Scar-”
“I said get out Grian!” Scar yelled then breathed in to catch some air then added, “I’m not someone’s little diary or puppet, or anything! I’m a player, a living breathing player, with thoughts and feelings not someones play toy! Now. Get. Out!”
Grian blinked, vision going blurry thanks to the tears that now gather in his eyes as he ran out the room slamming the door behind him as he ran down the hallway, and outside to the street of Scar Land. Now he had no idea as to where he could go. He had deliberately been avoiding this universe’s Grian’s mega base for a reason. Though now where would he go? Where was he allowed to go? With no single direction in mind or a vague hint as too who would not only be up at this hour at night, but who would also give him the okay to spend the night with them. With nowhere to shelter for the night, he began to walk toward the exit of Scar’s mega base. The moonlight lighting his path as he wandered down the now dead street of the amusement park. He wished that he hadn’t said anything, and that he had kept his mouth shut.