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There was too much noise. The sound of battles raging all around, whether near or far. Shinya put his hands to his ears. Still too noisy, but this time it wasn't because of the gunfire or the explosions. His thoughts screamed even louder, hammering his brain with all the negative waves he'd been trying to push back in vain for years. Shinya dropped to the ground and leaned against the wall of an abandoned building.
He was feeling so many things at once that his heart, saturated, struggled to keep up. Sometimes he wished he could stop it all. Turn off his brain, rip his heart out of his chest. He curled up as if hugging himself, ignoring the wounds in his aching body.
Inside him, his demon, Byakkomaru, was also suffering from an overdose of drugs injected by Guren. Shinya let out a laugh mixed with a sob as he stared into the distance, where Guren had disappeared.
Since he was 15, he had pathetically clung to Guren, making him his only reason for living, his only motivation to continue fighting in this broken world where despair reigns supreme. After Mahiru's death, Shinya had believed he could become Guren's priority, that his affection and trust could be reciprocated.
But over the years, Guren had drifted away, and today only lies and cruel orders came from his mouth. Everything Shinya thought they had built for nine years was nothing but an illusion that Guren had painstakingly destroyed with the sword containing his demon and his childhood sweetheart, Mahiru. Guren and Mahiru had left together, leaving Shinya alone, injured, and useless.
A tear rolled down his cheek as he mocked his own mediocrity. Shinya, the Hiragi family's adoptee who had spent years training himself to no longer feel pain and suppress his emotions, was now putting himself in a miserable, near-death state for a man who no longer cared about him.
"Maybe I should have listened to you, Byakkomaru..." he whispered painfully.”
Of course, his demon couldn't answer, ravaged by drugs, and for once, Shinya wished it were there to yell at him. His vision began to blur, blinded by pain and exhaustion.
"Shinya!! SHINYA!!"
Huh? Someone was calling him? He was supposed to be alone around here. He didn't have time to think before the person took him in their arms and hugged him tightly.
“-Shinya!! Answer me... Tell me I'm not too late…”
Shinya knew that voice. Although it sounded far too sad and tired for his liking compared to its usual playful and teasing tone. He forced his eyes to focus to finally put a face on that voice. Tousled blond hair pulled back in a small ponytail, worried brown eyes, and a small beard. It could only belong to one person.
“Goshi?” he managed to say with difficulty.
“Thank God you're still talking!” Goshi rejoiced. “I really thought I hadn't made it in time.”
Shinya felt like his head was going to explode from the drugs in his blood. His brain couldn't keep up.
“Goshi? What are you doing here?” he asked. “I thought you were sealing Mika and watching Yuu with the girls.”
“I noticed you and Guren were missing,” Goshi explained, hugging him a little tighter. “A little while ago, I might not have reacted, but after everything that happened, I can't leave you alone with him. I was so scared of losing you.”
To his surprise, Shinya felt tears fall onto his shoulder. Behind Goshi's playful and joking side hid a sensitive heart that loved his friends more than anything. The fact that Shinya almost died at Guren's hands had deeply shaken him.
“I'm sorry I didn't act sooner,” Goshi apologized. “I was in denial, hoping that Guren would change, that everything he did had a meaning after all. All those wounds he inflicted to us had a good reason to exist... that's what my stupid brain was screaming at me. I was blind. I didn't see how much you were suffering, and I shamefully looked away from every horrible thing he did. Forgive me.”
Shinya felt his heart sink. Even in the worst situations they'd experienced together, he'd never seen Goshi so serious. Guren's hold had truly affected them all and left scars that were difficult to heal.
"Don't apologize," Shinya murmured, staring at the ground. "I'm no better than you. I'm even worse, to be honest. I don't exist without him. My life is nothing but a desperate race, trying to catch up with him but never being able to reach him. I'm only Mahiru's shadow, eternally second only to the genius she is. I've always been a weapon, a tool for those who lay their hands on me."
A silence followed his words. Shinya felt weak, too weak to control his flow of negative thoughts. He, who usually hid everything, now showed himself more vulnerable than ever. He hated it. He decided to blame this weakness on the drugs that were making him delirious. He was in so much pain that he thought he could imagine Goshi's hand resting on his chest.
"As far as I remember, weapons don't have beating hearts," Goshi remarked in his usual carefree tone.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, man..."
"What I feel in the palm of my hand is the beating of a human heart. A damaged, lost, alone, and scared heart, certainly. But a human heart nonetheless. Not a weapon."
Shinya looked away, his hands trembling with an overflowing emotion. A mixture of slightly fragile anger, anxiety at being exposed after so many years of silence, and relief at finally being understood by someone. He couldn't remember anyone ever bothering to comfort him about anything.
“I'm only good at following orders,” he retorted. “I've killed hundreds of people in cold blood, without ever feeling a thing. My heart never had a place in this.”
“I don't agree with that,” Goshi interrupted, looking him in the eyes. “You never wanted to become like this! You've suffered everything since the beginning of your life, you only acted to ensure your survival! There's nothing wrong with that.”
“Do I really seem affected by all the crimes I've committed? No. I have no regard for the lives I've taken in the past. Doesn't that make me a monster?”
Goshi gently grabbed his chin, as if he were dealing with a wounded wild animal, forcing their eyes to meet.
“You've built an impenetrable shell so no one can know what you're thinking! Deep down, you're lying to yourself. You feel things, sometimes so much that it makes you sick. But you prefer to deny it to protect yourself.”
Shinya hated this. He wanted to push Goshi away, to tell him he was wrong, but deep inside, he knew he was right. He just didn't want to accept it, to protect himself, to avoid breaking even more. Before he could do anything, Goshi continued.
“By staying by your side for years, we can see through the cracks in the wall you've built between you and us. I think of everyone you've ever been around, Guren was the first to do so. The difference between your forced snickers and your genuine laughter when you're with the people you love, or between the fake smiles you plaster on your face like a shield and the warm smile you only give to us, your real family. Those little things that make us not care about the surface. We've all done horrible things in our lives out of obligation, but that doesn't make us monsters!”
Goshi pressed lightly on Shinya's chest, as if to prove there was indeed a heart underneath.
"What matters is what you feel with your little heart, what you try to hide more than anything. What makes you human, Shinya, and not the useless weapon you think you are."
Shinya was speechless at Goshi's words. For the first time in a long time, his infernal thoughts had stopped, giving way to a quiet silence, a glimmer of hope. He felt he mattered to someone. A frail, new hope that Goshi had rekindled after years of being extinguished. With a tired laugh, Shinya clung to Goshi, returning his embrace.
"You're an idiot," he murmured.
I'd rather be an idiot with a heart than a bastard without one!" Goshi proudly proclaimed.”
They laughed in unison, as if the ruined world around them no longer existed. Nothing mattered anymore; it was as if they were 15 again. Hugging like that, they protected each other from the cruelties they had suffered over the years.
"I missed your laugh," Goshi admitted.
"Don't say things like that," Shinya grumbled embarrassedly as he wiped his eyes.
"Why? It's the truth!!"
They bickered lightly before a lingering explosion sounded in the distance. Goshi automatically hugged Shinya a little tighter.
"I have to get you out of here, he decided.
"Where do you want us to go? Shinya asked in confusion, There's no one around. At least I think so. My senses are clouded by the drugs."
"Yes, it shows."
Goshi tenderly stroked Shinya's cheek and the area around his eyes.
"You have your demonic markings around your eyes."
"Oh, right?"
"Hm. They bring out your beautiful blue eyes."
Shinya looked away, embarrassed. Goshi, for his part, chuckled gently.
"As much as I love teasing you, you're too banged up to stay in a combat zone like this. We have to leave."
"But Guren left us orders, right?" Shinya asked in surprise. "If we leave, the whole plan will go wrong."
"Honestly, I don't care what he said!" Goshi fumed, "It's been a while since he cared about how we felt! I know it's hard, but let him go, Shinya. A guy like him doesn't deserve your loyalty and attention. And if you're worried about the girls in the squad, don't worry! I talked to Mito, and we agreed that we need to move on from Guren and focus on our squad without him. You know, it's hard for her too, but she's going to do her best to convince Shigure and Sayuri before joining us. We're a family after all! We'll stick together no matter what obstacles stand in our way."
Goshi's smile dazzled Shinya. He'd known for a while that he needed to break away from Guren, but deep down, he also knew he'd never completely succeed. A part of him would always yearn to return to the man who had made him experience both love and despair. As memories of the time spent with Guren flashed through his mind, Goshi grabbed his chin again so their eyes met. Shinya felt his heart beat faster.
"Stop thinking about him, Shinya," Goshi told him, still smiling. "We'll worry about all that later. And if your mind wanders, then focus on my pretty face!"
Goshi winked for emphasis, which made Shinya laugh.
“Well, what do you suggest we do to get us out of here then?”
“I spotted a car on the way here. That's good, jump-starting cars is my specialty!!”
Goshi put a hand around Shinya's waist to support him, as if he feared he might collapse at any moment as they began walking towards the car. As they approached the vehicle, figures ran towards them.
“Goshi! Shinya!!” a female voice shouted.
Shinya's eyes widened with emotion. Mito rushed towards them, with Shigure and Sayuri behind her. Mito took Shinya's hands in hers.
“I knew Goshi would bring you back alive, but I was afraid you wouldn't make it in one piece,” she confessed. “I'm so relieved to see you're okay. Well... that you're holding up at least.”
Shinya smiled, noticing how worried she looked. His heart pounded in his chest. He could see that he meant something to his friends, and that was all he needed right now. He placed a hand on her shoulder to reassure her, but she beat him to it, giving him a hug. He froze in surprise for a moment before returning the hug.
"Goshi squad strategy meeting!" Goshi proclaimed, inviting Shigure and Sayuri into the hug.
"The Goshi Squad? You're not serious, are you?" Mito grumbled.
"What? We need a new leader!
"And why would it be you?"
"That's true," Shigure agreed. "I propose that our leader be Mito."
"I approve of that idea," Sayuri added.
"It's true that Mito Squad sounds good," Shinya laughed.
"Shinya, you traitor!" complained Goshi.
Everyone began to laugh heartily, the sound lightening the atmosphere. Each member of this team had scars, whether on their body or mind. Recent events had hurt, damaged, and sometimes almost killed them. But they didn't care now. After years of being apart, they were reunited again, their bond stronger than ever.
Shinya realized how comforting and supportive his friends' arms were at that moment. Slowly, tears trickled down his pale cheeks, breaking the perfect mask that had clung to him like a parasite. He didn't even try to hold back his sobs, leaning into the embrace of his friends. No, not just his friends, his family. Shinya Hiragi, the ultimate outcast, the one with nowhere to belong, finally felt like he had a family where he belonged. He felt Goshi tighten his embrace around him.
"We won't let you go again," he whispered in his ear. "I promise. You can count on your family!"
Shinya smiled at him, wiping away his tears, and nodded. In the protective arms of his friends, he felt that perhaps he could recover from the man called Guren Ichinose.
-THE END-