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Chapter Text

It was another quiet day at the STAR Labs office, which meant Cisco and Dr. Wells were rearranging some poor machine's innards while Barry and Caitlin went for a coffee run.

Truthfully, Barry wanted out of the labs for a little bit. This was his first day off at the precinct since their little trip to Starling City and Barry really wanted to talk to Caitlin alone. Everything was too damn complicated.

Iris came and said hello, having made their drinks. She had put exactly the right amount of sugar in his coffee. The sting of it was an ache Barry had been familiar with for years. Iris knew his likes and his dislikes (almost all of the important ones, anyway). She was his best friend and one of the most lovable people on the planet. She had always been his dream.

Barry looked at his wrist, playing with the fabric of the long sleeve that covered his words. Oliver's words. Oliver needed him more than either of them could put into words. The Arrow was a hero and a douchebag but Oliver was lost, drifting away from all he cared and knew when he needed it the most. Barry knew how that felt, even though he barely knew the details about how Oliver had become that way.

But Oliver had been right - Barry could help. Barry wanted to help, to show Oliver the good side of him that he no longer believed in. But as fate would have it, it wasn't that simple.

Once Iris was gone, Barry finally spoke up. "Can I ask you something personal, Caitlin?"

"Depends on how personal," she replied, arching an eyebrow. "But I think I can guess."

"Before you met Ronnie, did you believe in soulmates?"

"You could say that. I always hoped, and I did a little studying when I could."

"And when you met Ronnie, did you know?" Barry rubbed the back of his neck. "Did you ever want to be with anyone else?"

Caitlin set down her coffee cup. "I had to know if it was real first - if it actually meant something." She took a few deep breaths. Barry watched her carefully before putting his hand on her shoulder. "It did, and now that I know I haven't really thought about anyone else. It's... It's a possibility I suppose."

"I'm sorry, Caitlin." Barry swallowed hard. "I'm really sorry to have to ask, but I don't know who else to talk to." He glanced at Iris, who was chatting cheerfully with a customer about something he hoped wasn't the Flash. Or was. He didn't know what he wanted anymore.

"I never wanted this. But now it's right in front of me and Jackie and - what is that look for?"

Caitlin's lips were pursed tight, holding back words she wasn't sure she wanted to say. "I, uh, swallowed a little too much coffee too soon. Not fun."

"Do you want some water? I can-"

"No, not at all. I'll be fine!" Caitlin replied hurriedly. "You were saying?"

Barry looked at his own coffee. "It's a little weird I guess, thinking my life is going in some predetermined direction."

"Weirder than getting superpowers after being struck by lightning?"

"Well, when you put it like that..." Barry smirked. "I guess I shouldn't be that bothered by it." He spared another glance towards Iris and Caitlin shook her head.

"You just keep getting distracted. I think one day you'll realize just how much Jackie means to you, and then it will start to feel right."

"I hope you're right."

***

[OLIVER]

Leaving the country for a few days. Will not be reachable by phone.

Need backup?

No. It's something I need to do alone.

If you change your mind, I'm only a few minutes away.

Not across the Pacific.

Not with that attitude ;) Good luck.

Thanks. I hope I don't need it.

***

He was clocking a few hundred miles per hour when it hit him. Something knocked the wind right out of him as if he'd been hit straight in the chest. Barry forced himself into a safe stop but it was a very near thing. Whatever had hit him was spreading through his chest like the chill of ice water on a hot day.

Barry looked around, searching for any sign of a metahuman. He was the only one there. "Uh guys, have you seen any signs of weird activity around here?" he asked his communicator, hoping the team at STAR Labs would have news.

"The weirdest thing out there right now is you, Mr. Allen," Wells replied. "Are you picking up something we aren't?"

Barry took a few deep breaths before speaking again. It did nothing to help the emptiness in his chest. "I don't know. I think I got hit with something... I don't feel right."

"There are a few irregularities in your vitals," Caitlin replied. "The changes aren't drastic, but I think it's best if you come back to the lab for testing."

"I'm on my way back. Cisco, can you check and see what Snart is up to? Chill is usually his thing."

"On it!"

***

Being a superhero's primary physician had some surprising familiarity to it. Caitlin was so used to running tests that she could run them all by rote - which came in handy in moments like this, when she was more distracted than she wanted to let on.

There was a lump in her throat as she worked. The fluctuations in Barry's vitals provided a little insight - something worth adding to her research anyway - but she already knew what was wrong. She had never forgotten that feeling nor that awful day.

The tests were mostly for the benefit of Cisco and Dr. Wells. And even then, she hoped they wouldn't know what was wrong. At least not before Barry had a chance to work through it.

"I got nothing on Captain Cold. The satellite isn't picking up any air temperature abnormalities either, so I'm not sure what could have hit you," Cisco said. Worry was written all over his face, with just a strong hint of disappointment. "I'll keep looking, though."

"Thanks, Cisco," Barry replied.

Caitlin took the chance to chime in. "I don't have anything conclusive yet either. I think, barring any metahuman activity, you should probably get some rest to shake this off." She offered her most supportive smile.

Wells wheeled past to another computer, his lips spread thin with what could have been annoyance. Frustration? Caitlin couldn't quite place the expression on his face, but he was definitely displeased. "Caitlin, Cisco, I'm going to need you to find something more concrete and fixable than that. We still have a lot of work to do with improving Barry's speed." He took his glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"I've got a few ideas to research, but I was thinking of taking Barry home first," Caitlin replied nervously. "So he can rest."

"Do that. I'll touch base with you when you get back." Wells looked up. "Barry - get better." At least that was sincere.

STAR Labs had always been labyrinthine - it was something Ronnie had enjoyed. As a lead engineer for the particle accelerator, he'd had access to pretty much any room in the place for safety reasons. He'd always taken that seriously.

She thought about one day in so many, where they'd come back from lunch and he'd take her some new direction through the labs to show off some other department. He'd stop by to grab stress test results or some other mundane thing and steal a kiss from her instead. It was so cheesy and after a while kind of predictable, but she'd loved every moment of it. She'd loved all those moments and a year later, the sting of coming back hadn't entirely faded.

And now she had to share that pain with someone else. Finding a room where they could talk privately without having to worry about Cisco or Dr. Wells coming in was simple enough - she knew the place almost as well as Ronnie had.

"Caitlin? This isn't the way out," Barry noted.

She bit her lip. "We need to talk. And I think it's better that we don't have this talk in public."

Barry's expression softened. "What's wrong, Caitlin?"

Caitlin swallowed hard. She hadn't thought too much about how to address Jackie's identity with Barry now that she knew who he was. She had hoped it would find a more natural way to come up in conversation. Now it had, but it definitely wasn't how she wanted to talk about it.

"You need to call Oliver," she said, unsuccessfully hiding a quiver in her voice.

"Oliver?" Barry replied, blinking in surprise. "What? Why?"

"It's Jackie. It doesn't matter how I know that right now, but I think something has happened to him and that's the reason you're feeling off." She looked down at the floor. "I know how you're feeling because I've already felt it."

Barry had been in a gloomy mood before, but his face faltered under the surprise. He ran a nervous hand through his hair. "He went on a mission somewhere. Damn it, he said he had to go alone." The air flickered with energy. Barry wanted to pace, wanted to run to wherever Oliver needed him, wanted to run however long it took for the feeling to go away. "Maybe Diggle went with him. Dig always has his back."

Barry scrambled to grab his phone. Caitlin watched him as he texted, hoping for the best.

***

[DIGGLE]

Dig are you with Oliver?

No. He's currently out of town.

Can you check on him? I think something may have happened.

What makes you say that?

Just a feeling.

I'll see if he's got his satellite phone on. When I hear back I'll let you know what he says.

Thanks, Dig.

No problem.

***

He didn't feel any better. Barry knew Diggle would do his best and that he'd get Felicity involved without too much worry. Watching Oliver's back was their thing. They had to be his contingency plan. Oliver had beaten death multiple times already - he could definitely do it again.

The emptiness inside him grew colder as he thought about it. If he was honest, he already knew what Diggle's response would be. There was nothing Oliver could say.

His eyes stung. There was no use fighting back the tears once they started. Caitlin was there almost immediately to offer a hug and her shoulder to cry on.

"I'm so sorry," she said, squeezing him tight. "I didn't want to tell you, but you needed to know. You don't need to deal with this alone."

He nodded into her shoulder, sniffling. Grief was a feeling he was all too familiar with. His mother's murder and the aftermath had cut deep. Even on good days he missed her unbearably. But the years between his mother's death and the present had afforded him a level of numbness towards it. Though he had never - would never - accepted it, he'd gotten used to the feeling. He had never imagined anything could feel worse than that, worse than the pinnacle of despair, yet now it tore through him with a more physical vengeance. And it was only the beginning.

"It goes away, I promise," Caitlin said. "It was awful for the first day or so, but it faded away with time. Let me just get you home so you can work through it. You don't have to deal with this here."

"Right." Barry nodded and stepped back. "I just..." He wiped his eyes and stood a little straighter, but he was fooling no one. "Let's go."

Caitlin rubbed his shoulder. "I'm here for you. Anything you need."

They were too focused on Barry's situation to notice the shabbily-dressed man lurking in the STAR Labs parking lot as they passed.

***

Staying at home did little to soothe Barry's nerves. Caitlin had left him with tissues and some comfort food, but Barry didn't feel comfortable staying put and wallowing in his grief. The ache hadn't left him but neither had the sense of restlessness. What had happened to Oliver? Was there something he could have done to help? Was this really what all that buildup had been leading to - finding his actual soulmate out of the haystack of jerks who had chided him for most of his life, as well as discovering that he actually liked his soulmate - was it all for nothing?

Eventually, he grabbed a comfortable enough pair of shoes and headed out for a long run. He ran out of Central City and all the way to Starling. He stopped by a building across the street from the apartment Oliver shared with Thea, a place he'd been wanting to visit for a while now. Thea was curled up on the couch watching TV, and from her expression Barry could see that she had no idea the trouble her brother was in.

He wanted to stop by the foundry to check in with Felicity and Diggle, but that would probably upset them more. Going in there would be painful enough - Oliver spent most of his time there, and the place would be haunted by the lack of him.

Instead he turned west. West, and a little to the south. Zigzagging through city streets was all part of his routine but when he ran to the west, he could feel a ripple in the ache. There was a faint pull that grew stronger as he ran towards it. With the night off, there was no better time to explore than the present.

Of course it had been west. Running to the Wests was something he did best, and what he probably should have done in the first place. Maybe if he hadn't opened his heart to Oliver in the first place, maybe if he had just kept waiting for Iris, then perhaps...

No. There was no point in thinking about it anymore. Oliver wasn't an option and Iris was taken. He could wait a little longer, now that his schedule was free.

Barry made it to Coast City. He could see the Pacific and the only clue as to where Oliver had gone. With a snack and a running start, Barry could prove Oliver wrong one last time. He stopped off for pizza and tried to focus on where the pull was leading him. Barry thought about sending Diggle a text to see if he could find out where Oliver had gone, but when he pulled at his phone there were already messages waiting for him. Most were worried texts from Cisco and Caitlin but there was also a notification that Iris had updated her Flash blog.

Her latest post wasn't about the Flash. There had been an attempted robbery at Mercury Labs. The suspect was man in a yellow suit. According to a witness, the man had appeared like lightning and disappeared just as quickly.

Barry ran home.

***

The next morning at STAR Labs was a lot less awkward than it could have been, all things considered. Barry's heart still yearned, still grieved, but all he could think about was vengeance. Not for a moment had he wondered whether the man in the yellow suit was anyone other than the one who murdered his mother, the man in the lightning. His father and his twelve year old self hadn't been able to stop him, but he was the Flash now. The Flash had the power to put an end to this.

"You're looking much better this morning, Mr. Allen," Wells said as he wheeled into the cortex.

"I'm still looking into possible causes for what happened yesterday," Cisco added, typing away at a computer. "Still nothing, but the meta at Mercury Labs kinda threw a wrench into everything last night." He looked at Barry apologetically and Barry nodded. He wasn't yet up to telling Cisco that he had done nothing wrong, since that would involve explaining what happened to him in the first place and why.

No time for that today. "Anything new about that meta?" he said, clapping his hands together. His body was teeming with energy still, having tampered down on his grief in order to hunt a man he'd been trying to find for ages.

"The item that this metahuman attempted to steal was a prototype device capable of manipulating tachyon particles," Wells said.

"According to their police report, anyway." Cisco nodded. "You can thank Joe for that, by the way. He had that report to us in record time."

That warmed Barry a little. It had been such a relief when Joe had finally believed him about that horrible night. To know he was drawing the same conclusions made Barry feel slightly less lonely.

Dr. Wells maneuvered his chair next to where Barry was standing. "Joe is going over to Mercury Labs to interview Dr. McGee. It's not unlikely to think that you'll be with him when he does." Barry glanced at his phone - there was already a text from Joe telling him to get down to the station. "Barry, it's important that you realize that the tachyon device is not safe at Mercury Labs. While they are just as capable as STAR Labs was before the accelerator incident, they do not have the same level of awareness or anti-metahuman technology that we have here." Wells took off his glasses for a moment. "This will not be the last we see of this new speedster. He will get that tachyon device if it is not properly secured."

Barry nodded. "I'll talk to Dr. McGee about it."

"It's essential that you convince her. I know you can," Wells added with a smile, putting his glasses back on.

"I got this."

As Barry left, he ran into Caitlin, who had just come from Jitters and had coffee for the team. Barry took his to lighten the load, but Caitlin only looked at him sadly.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?"

Barry looked at her, placing his free hand on her shoulder. "I have to do this, Caitlin. For my parents."

"But what about Oliver?"

His eyes stung. Barry blinked the tears away, refusing to back down. "I have to worry about the people who are still here. That metahuman is the reason my father is sitting in prison for a murder he didn't commit. I can at least fix that."

Caitlin's eyes were glassy. "I still believe in you, Barry." But her voice wavered - she knew he was reckless when it came to people he cared about. Nothing could hide her doubt, especially not something Oliver had told him last.

He sped away without looking back.

---

Once they finished at Mercury, Joe insisted that Barry ride with him back to STAR Labs. The pull from the night before tugged at him once more as they navigated the streets of Central City. Barry had managed pretty well at Mercury Labs thanks to his determination to stop the man in yellow. Now that he was just riding along, it was easier for the gloom to sink back in.

It didn't take long for Joe to notice. "You doing okay, Barr?"

Barry shrugged. "I've got a lot on my mind right now."

"No kidding. When I heard about last night, I figured you were gonna be upset about this," Joe replied. "Didn't exactly figure you were gonna be so blue about it, though."

"The timing isn't great," Barry said after a moment of silence. It was the best he could think of, and it wasn't entirely a lie. "I mean... after the Bivolo thing the Flash isn't exactly on the CCPD's Christmas card list, and even if he wasn't it's a bit too close to Christmas to send one anyway. That man has already hurt my family, and I'm not going to let him have a shot at round two."

"Now that sounds more like you. Not that I'm all that big on revenge, but I want to see justice done here almost as much as you do." They came up to a red light, and Joe took the opportunity to place a hand on Barry's shoulder. "We're gonna make this right."

Barry couldn't help but smile. He was so glad to have Joe's support in this. Maybe when this was over, he could explain to Joe what else was bothering him. Joe would still have his back.

---

Barry was doing a thorough job of scouring Central City in spite of himself, or so he thought. But it was the man in yellow that had found him first, joining the Flash on the street as he ran. Barry sped up but his enemy only got faster, weaving in and out of streets with speed Barry had only dreamt of. He chased the man in yellow to a football stadium, one that Barry's graduation had been held in.

It was big enough, and more importantly empty enough, that he could fight the man in yellow there without innocent people getting in the way. Between graduation rehearsals and a handful of soccer championships, Barry thought he had enough familiarity to give him an advantage. He could disorient his opponent and use that advantage to make his attack.

He was already getting the hang of this strategy thing. Oliver would've been proud.

The heat of the chase wasn't enough to warm the chill in Barry's bones, so he darted down a tunnel to call STAR Labs. "Guys, I've found that meta!"

Silence.

"Hey, come in," Barry said hurriedly. "The man in the yellow suit is here! I've got him at the stadium."

A distorted voice hung in the air around him. "Your friends are too busy to help you." A burst of red lightning charged towards Barry, and Barry took off again. He'd have to wait for Caitlin and Cisco to catch up.

They ran all over the stadium, the man in yellow matching Barry step for step, inch for inch, and blow for blow. Barry darted through the bleachers, snaking through the aisles and up and down the stairs in an attempt to trip up his opponent. Though it slowed the chase, it wasn't enough to keep the other man down. Barry was the clumsier of the two, and his legs had the rapidly-healing bruises to show for it.

"You're holding back, Flash," the man in yellow mused as they ran. Barry was pretty sure he only understood what had been said due to how fast they were both moving. He was prepared to fire back a witty retort only to discover that the man in yellow had cut away from him. The man in yellow had reversed course and Barry realized all too quickly that they were headed for a collision.

Barry braced himself for a blow as the two met at the top of a stairwell. The man in yellow came to an abrupt stop, slamming into Barry and forcing the energy from his own inertia to push Barry backwards. It hit Barry hard enough to knock him down onto the field. His back hit the ground first and he skidded along the grass in a blur of electricity.

The pain from the fall was enough to keep Barry from bouncing back into the fight, but his body was overwhelmed by trying to absorb all of the energy around him. For a brief moment, he was sure that he had cracked some of his ribs. Breathing was difficult, but just as quickly as he realized he was injured, his advanced healing kicked into overdrive. Cracked ribs, bruises, scrapes - his injuries evaporated into nothingness. The energy that remained pulsed inside of him, attacking the void that had been left by Oliver's death.

The man in yellow stopped at Barry's side, his face still obscured by vibrations. "Something keeping you down, Flash?" he asked.

Barry couldn't say anything. It was all he could do to look at his foe bitterly. The vibrations gave away nothing.

"You'll have to do better than that if you want to catch me," the man in yellow replied, haughtiness dripping in his voice before he sped away.

Overwhelmed by kinetic energy and defeat, Barry blacked out.

Chapter Text

There was plenty of hovering when Barry woke up. Caitlin was checking his vitals and taking notes, looking for more ways to help. Joe was sitting nearby, world-weary and clearly concerned. Barry could hear Cisco tinkering with something on the other side of the room - not in any of the labs he could've been working in. He wasn't sure where Dr. Wells was, but there was plenty of worry to be had in the room.

He'd fucked up. A new kind of ache was coursing through his body, focused somewhere in his lower abdomen. He attempted to touch it, to feel what exactly had hurt him so badly, but Caitlin caught him first.

"Barry, I need you to stay still. Your energy readings are all over the place right now," she said.

Barry groaned. "I feel like I've got a speed hangover."

Caitlin brushed his hand back to his side. "That's one way to put it. Whatever that other speedster did to you, it's put your system through the ringer. Can you move your toes?"

He gave them a cursory wiggle. "Yeah I can. What happened?"

"You hit the ground back first," Caitlin replied with a frown. "It could have been much worse - it's a miracle that other speedster didn't break your spine."

"There is a Barry-shaped hole in that football field," Wells offered, looking up from whatever he was working on at his workstation. "Fortunately you won't have to come to me for wheelchair recommendations."

Barry sighed. "Thanks, Dr. Wells," he said, trying hard to sound optimistic. He knew he should've been grateful not to be as seriously injured as his mentor and happy that his friends had been able to come to his aid, but grief and pain overwhelmed him. He couldn't smile. His reservoir of cheer had been drained.

"I'm so sorry, everyone. I thought I could stand up to him," Barry said, rubbing his face. "I'm..." Bereaved? Lonely? At a loss? He couldn't find a word to explain how overwhelmed he felt without addressing the secret elephant in the room. "I'm just off my game."

Cisco was quick to reply. "I'm sorry man, I've been doing everything I can think of to find what hit you yesterday. Caitlin has given me some readings, but nothing I can trace back."

Barry looked at Caitlin, who offered a sad smile. He gave her a slight nod in thanks.

Dr. Wells leaned back from the computer and pulled off his glasses. "While it's important to address what's affecting you, Barry, I need Cisco to focus on precautions for the tachyon device. The police department is sending their Metahuman Task Force to help us this evening."

He turned frantically to Joe. "Are you sure about this? You don't know how dangerous he is, what he's capable of!" Barry yelled. He didn't need the man in yellow to harm anyone else in his family. "He's a speedster like me. He's faster than me. It's too dangerous."

Joe looked resigned, having expected a fuss. "Eddie is serious about this, especially after last week. He's got a solid team and we'll be backed up by STAR Labs tech. We'll hold it down and lock that guy up." Joe grinned slightly. "And when we do, we'll book him for the murder he committed twelve years ago."

The intent was sincere, but the words felt hollow to Barry. He'd roughed up Eddie pretty easily, but this threat couldn't be swayed by Iris or stopped by Oliver. Maybe the League of Assassins could stop him, thought Barry wryly. He took a deep breath and shook his head. His eyes were wet. "Let me bounce back from whatever this is. I don't want anyone else to get hurt."

Wells had put his glasses back on and wheeled over to them. "Mr. Allen, you will get your chance at revenge, I promise. What we need you to do right now is put your best efforts into your recovery."

He couldn't take it anymore. Both Joe and Wells were looking at him with their best serious faces - they obviously had more lectures at the ready. Barry didn't have time for this. Maybe he wasn't fast enough to beat the man in yellow, but he had to try again. He needed to do something other than sit on the sidelines and wallow in grief.

"Once Caitlin says you're clear to go, I'm going to take you home so you can rest far away from all this," Joe said, waving at nothing in particular behind him. "This city needs you back on your A-game."

***

Relaxing was practically impossible.

Barry was curled up on the couch with his cell phone, looking through photos of his crime wall. Joe would've found out if he'd gone to the station to look over things, so it was easier to pore over details on pictures he'd taken as backups. Maybe he could find a lead he'd missed somewhere, something that could help him fight.

His energy was still erratic. Eating had helped a little, but the Speed Force was churning a hurricane of energy within him. He had to ride out the storm.

Before he knew it, the door was opening. Barry looked up in surprise, not expecting Joe to be home for a while. Instead, he was greeted by Iris, arms full of shopping bags.

"Oh! Hey Barry," she said with a smile, setting the bags down. "I wanted to bring some Christmas stuff over and-" Iris looked at him and paused. "Barry, you look like hell."

Barry blinked at her and touched his face. The pain in his back was just a dull ache by now, so any bruises or cuts should have been long gone. "Uh..."

"Have you been crying?"

Right, that. He'd done plenty of crying over the past few hours, moreso since he'd come home. No amount of superhealing could keep his eyes from being that puffy and wet. "Yeah..." He wiped his eyes just in case. "It's been a rough day."

"Tell me about it," she replied, sitting down next to him on the couch and giving him a hug. "You don't have to deal with this by yourself."

"God, I don't even know where to start," Barry replied, leaning in to hug her tightly.

"The beginning is usually pretty good," Iris offered, trying to lighten the mood. "Or you can tell me who I need to clock in order to fix this."

He couldn't help but chuckle. Iris hadn't been - and still wasn't - afraid of the kind of people who had bullied Barry in the past. She hadn't backed down from an angry Flash, and he doubted she would back down from the Arrow either. If would've been fun to think about a few weeks ago.

He rested his chin on her shoulder. "I met my soulmate."

"That bad, huh? That was never a good line, but I never thought it would lead to this."

Barry sat up. "You thought about that?"

"Well yeah!" Iris replied, sounding more surprised than he did. "If you found them, I'd have to meet them at some point and make sure they did right by you. And that's if you even wanted anything to do with them, because you definitely didn't for a while there."

That made Barry laugh. "You're the best."

Iris looked at him sternly. "You still haven't told me anything."

Barry bristled, thinking back to when he'd first saved Oliver's life. Despite being so close to death's door even then, Oliver's eyes had burned with a deadly rage over his closely guarded secret. Barry briefly entertained the idea of telling Iris all about it, in the hopes that Oliver would rise up from death to admonish him again. It was amusing to think about, if only for a moment.

It's not my secret to share. Oliver's voice was so clear to him even now. It didn't seem like all that long ago that they were smoothing things out for the first time, when Barry was starting to see the kind of person Oliver was under his prickly exterior. That thought brought the tears back in full force.

"Hey, hey, take it easy," Iris murmured, rubbing his back. "No rush."

"Some of it is hard to talk about right now." He took a deep breath and attempted to focus. Focus, think clearly, and a whole bunch of other things Oliver had chided him to get better at. It only made him more upset.

They sat in silence for a little while as Barry cried. Iris hugged him tight like she used to when he first moved in. After Nora's death, Iris was the greatest comfort he had. This was something he needed, but not like before. They'd grown and changed, and she was comforting him about his love for someone other than her. To his surprise, he found himself okay with that.

"It's sad," he murmured, "because there was a time I would've dreamed about something like this. Like us, right now." It was perfect.

Iris tensed. "Like what?" she said.

"I've been in love with you since, I don't know, forever? That was part of the reason I didn't want a soulmate. I thought that maybe the right time would come along and we wouldn't need soulmates. It would've been us versus the world. But now I'm pretty sure that time passed while I was in a coma." He sat back so that Iris could let go of him, all too aware of her discomfort.

"I met him just before then, and I wasn't really sold on it. But we reconnected after and it was starting to feel like it made sense, you know?" He rubbed the back of his head. "I was starting to think that it could work, that he needed me as much as I needed him. But something happened to him."

"What happened? Is he in trouble?" Iris was eyeing him warily, but the softness of her voice only echoed her concern.

"I think he's dead. I feel like he's dead," he added, pressing a hand to his chest.

"Have you told Dad?" Iris said. "We can get the CCPD on this."

"They're busy at STAR Labs tonight," Barry snapped. "And besides, he's not in Central City. He had some unfinished business to take care of overseas."

Iris bit her lip, holding back the urge to press for more. She took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders to steel her nerve. Barry wasn't comfortable revealing his soulmate's identity just yet, but damned if she wasn't going to use her skills as a journalist to get answers for him. And if she had her way, she'd get some justice too.

She clasped his shoulders. "At some point we're going to talk about the other things you said," Iris added pointedly, because that particular issue was a solid hit in a flurry of punches. "But right now, we need to focus on what's best for you."

Another round with that evil speedster, one where Barry brought him to justice, was at the top of that list. He had no idea how to explain that to Iris - why it was relevant all of a sudden and oh by the way, he's been the Flash this entire time and wanted to tell her for just as long. How had his life gotten this much more complicated?

"Nobody knows," Barry said, wiping his eyes. "We were still trying to figure out what we meant to each other, so no one else knows we were soulmates." That was mostly true. "His friends know that he left town, but they have no idea what's happened."

"You don't even know what's happened," Iris said. "And you of all people should know that there's a world of possibility out there. If you can feel that connection, then there has to be something strong enough to bring you two together again. You've chased down more impossible things than that. This isn't even the first freak accident that's happened to you two."

He couldn't help but smile at her. Iris's faith and friendship had seen him through some pretty dark times. Here she was again, in one of his darkest hours, helping him find the strength to get back on his feet. Barry wanted desperately wanted to believe that Oliver wasn't dead, but listening to her say it made it sound more plausible. There was a part of him that would always love her in some way, even if they weren't meant to be together.

"Thanks, Iris." His happiness, as small as it was, was genuine. "I know that this whole thing has been really weird for you and I promise, I'll explain everything when I'm ready."

"You'd better," Iris replied, not quite teasing.

Barry's phone buzzed. He wasn't sure who it was, but he knew what it was about. He looked at the phone and winced.

"CCPD needs me up there," he said with a sigh. "I have to go."

Iris frowned and fussed with his hair. Spending her life with a cop for a father, she knew better than to try and intervene. "Do what you need to do, and then get some rest, okay?"

He nodded and wiped his eyes. "Got it." Before leaving, he gave her a big hug. "Thank you."

---

Barry once again failed to stop the Reverse Flash.

It was the worst he'd felt in ages. Dr. Wells was being patched up and Eddie was debriefing his team despite his own bewilderment. Joe was on the phone with Mercury Labs explaining that yes, the Tachyon device had been stolen by a speedster, and no, he wasn't sure how to get it back. The mission had gone full dumpster fire - the only reason any of them were still alive was because they were saved by the hobo formerly known as Ronnie Raymond and his fire powers.

He'd ask Caitlin about that later.

The Flash was of little use because the Flash wasn't fast enough. He couldn't avenge his mother, he couldn't save his father, he couldn't protect his friends, and he sure as hell couldn't call the gaping void in his chest for help.

He came home after patrolling the streets, searching for the Reverse Flash in spite of himself. Ronnie had successfully sent him into hiding. Barry collapsed onto his bed, sprawling out and staring at the ceiling. What was the use of having superpowers if he couldn't use them to help his friends and stop his greatest enemy?

For the first time since Oliver's death, Barry felt truly alone. His duties as the Flash had kept him busy and distracted enough earlier, but that was done for now and all of his friends had their own problems to deal with.

Cisco had to figure out what had gone wrong with his tech. Had Barry's soulmate issues distracted him too much? Caitlin's fiancée wasn't dead, but he wasn't himself anymore and wanted her to stay away. How could Barry talk to her after a shock like that? He'd just pour more salt in the wound. Iris was busy worrying about her actual boyfriend and her father - none of whom would be in this mess if Barry had been strong enough in the first place. Dr. Wells could've been killed, as could have several of CCPD's finest, and Oliver had died in the middle of nowhere. Diggle and Felicity were still in the dark, and Barry didn't have the heart to tell them the truth.

Barry felt the same pang as before urging him to go west, but he was too exhausted to do so. His body still felt weird all over, but he didn't have the mental energy for another disappointment. He didn't remember when he started to cry, but the tears were flowing freely now. It'd be a great time to take up Oliver on his offer to talk about anything but...

He tossed his phone away, not wanting to think about it anymore. Someone would call him when he was needed for something.

Time passed hellishly slow for a speedster not in motion. Barry laid there until exhaustion finally claimed him. He dreamed of falling.

***

When he finally came to, Barry woke to some rough shaking. He groaned in complaint.

"Are you up?" Iris asked, leaning over him. "If you're not up, I'm going to splash water on you because this is ridiculous."

"'m up," he mumbled. His whole body ached, not from injury, but from the stress of his super healing working overtime. "Can I not be up? I don't wanna wake up."

Iris shook her head. "Dad covered for you missing work today - did you tell him about the whole soulmate thing?"

Barry shook his head frantically. "No, I just mentioned that I was feeling off." He hadn't spoken to Joe since last night.

"Okay." Iris looked pensive. "I didn't want to talk about it with him if you hadn't told him yet. He knew something was up but he wouldn't tell me. I told him I'd check on you." She wasn't saying it, but it was written all over her face - Iris was worried about him too, no matter how awkward last night had made things. It made Barry feel softer, safer somehow. She knew two of his biggest secrets and that hadn't kept her away.

"Thanks, Iris," he said, offering a weak but genuine smile. "It means a lot."

"Sure it does," she mused, sitting down on the edge of his bed. "I'm glad you're here. Things are crazy over at the station. Something big happened at STAR Labs last night. Eddie's pretty shaken up and you know how Dad gets. He's acting like he's fine but he isn't. Do you know what happened?"

No, he wasn't involved. He'd been sent home because of his 'illness'. He hadn't seen Joe or Eddie last night. Dozens of excuses came to the fore of his mind, a habit borne from months of lying to Iris. Iris was his best friend and he was tired of lying to her. Barry was so very tired.

"I know what happened. It's complicated," he said, looking at the window. He was afraid, but this was his secret to share - no one else’s. "Joe is going to be pissed if I tell you."

Iris rolled her eyes. "And that's stopped you how?"

He wanted to laugh, but the joke was on him. "I'm the Flash, Iris."

"Do not even joke about that right now," she said darkly. "This is serious."

"So am I," he replied, looking at her. "I am really, truly sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. But all of this is related to the Flash, so you should know that first."

She was furious. However awkward his love confession had been last night, it was nothing compared to the betrayal on her face right now. "You lied to me."

He frowned, feeling the familiar sting of tears in his eyes. "I wanted to tell you more than anyone! But I... I was swayed by the idea that if you knew my identity, it would put you in danger. Someone made a pretty convincing argument to that point."

"So Dad knows," Iris groaned, crossing her arms. "Dad told you not to tell me, and you agreed with him."

Barry sputtered, unable to counter the argument. Words attempted to come out of his mouth, but all of it was wrong. He was wrong. "I hated every minute of it, and I can't do this right now."

Iris sighed loudly.

"You're in danger anyway. Everyone I care about is in danger right now. The man who killed my mother came back last night. The man in the lightning."

He must have looked truly pathetic, because Iris's anger faltered. She gasped. "He's a speedster too?"

Barry nodded. "He knew exactly when and how to strike. I didn't have my head on straight and he kicked my ass. He almost killed Wells. He could've killed everyone if Eddie hadn't tripped him up. I couldn't catch him."

He dropped his hands to the covers, feeling useless. "The Reverse Flash is still out there, ready to strike at any time. It's kinda pointless to keep hiding it from you, you know?"

Iris punched him in the shoulder. "It always was, you jerk," she said, more teasing than angry. "Don't ever hide anything like that from me again."

"I really don't plan to," Barry said with a small smile. "I promise."

"You'd better!" Iris replied. She scooted next to him on the bed, and after a moment he leaned his head against her shoulder.

"I'm sorry for putting that all on you like this," he muttered. "It's a lot to take in."

"You are such a hot mess right now." She nudged him affectionately with her shoulder. "It helps that you're my favorite hot mess."

He grinned. "Always."

***

A lot changed over the next few days. Iris was hired by Central City Picture News, hoping she'd be their best bet at a Flash scoop. And she was - Barry would give her tidbits of information and headlines (truly face to face, this time) and in turn she used the newspaper's resources to dig further into the mystery of the Reverse Flash. Barry wasn't off the hook for lying to her, not by a long shot, but clearing the air made him feel so much more at ease around her and at peace with himself.

Captain Cold finally did turn up with Heat Wave in tow. Barry was still off his game, but with help from Cisco and Eddie they were sent packing back to jail. Hartley Rathaway, the former protégée of Harrison Wells, tried to strike him while he was still recuperating from his attack. He made a strong attempt at killing Barry but wound up in the Pipeline with the other metas. When Barry slept, he had strange dreams. Some took place in the hotel room on main or on a cold mountain, others left him with a strange aftertaste. The ache in his body faded and erratic energy of the Speed Force leveled off in Barry's system just like Caitlin said it would, but it left him with more questions. Questions and a flicker of hope.

"Say Caitlin," he whispered in the med bay, once he thought Wells and Cisco were out of earshot. "You said the pain of losing Ronnie - uh, the physical stuff - went away after a while. Do you think it has something to do with him being alive?"

She was quiet for a moment, shaking her head to keep the tears from starting. "I had hoped, but I guess now it's rather obvious that it's true." Caitlin gasped. "Wait, has yours faded too?"

Barry nodded. "It's been weird for a few days, but I don't feel that emptiness anymore. I think... I think Jackie might be okay."

"Soulmate talk again, huh?" Cisco mused from the doorway. "Don't worry, it's just me."

Caitlin covered her mouth and Barry gawked at him. "Uh..."

"Yeah, sorry. I know what y'all are talking about." Cisco raised his hands in surrender. "It's not my favorite subject, so I don’t talk about it."

Barry tilted his head. "It's not like you not to want to talk about something, even if it's something you don't like."

Cisco laughed. "Trust me, you really don't want to hear about it."

However, that wasn't entirely up to Cisco. Hartley Rathaway was every ounce as bitter about soulmates as Cisco was - but decidedly more vocal. He and Cisco traded barbs like porcupines at a convention, and Hartley delighted in reminding him of their connection.

But speed phantoms, like mountain trolls, are the kind of things you can't defeat without becoming friends in the process. Though their friendship had been forged in danger and polished with Team Flash's typical kindness, nothing quite compared to the raw ferocity of Cisco and Hartley focusing their collective snark on their foes (or in one particularly memorable case, Hartley's parents).

In spite of himself (doubly so), Barry can't help but ask his future self one question. "So, um, how are you feeling?" The variety of side effects had started to wane, but there was no guarantee that Oliver was really alive.

The other Barry looked at him thoughtfully, and he knew from the raise of his eyebrows the instant his counterpart realized what he had really asked.

Future Barry cuffed his shoulder. "Actually, I think you know," he said with a wink and a knowing grin before slipping into the Speed Force, all while Barry discovered a new dimension of self-loathing.

He wasn't entirely wrong, though.

In the Arrow's absence, the dark underbelly of Starling City was rumbling to life. Felicity kept in touch, mostly on sleepless nights while she, Dig, and Roy tried to keep things under control - occasionally with the help of someone who’d taken on the mantle of Black Canary. Dig checked in on him every once in a while, but Barry wasn't sure what to tell either of them. He knew the worry that clawed at their minds, and tried to help with some of his boundless optimism in hopes it would stick. He had no tangible proof to offer them.

It tore at his heart, leaving Oliver's friends and his home in the dark. Barry yearned to stop by and maybe knock a few heads in to get things back to normal, but he was far too busy preparing for the return of the Reverse Flash. It was like an itch he couldn't scratch. He had to trust that they could handle things until Oliver came back.

Hartley had given them his own analysis of the data from the night the Reverse Flash appeared, which Barry was poring over with Cisco and Caitlin. Though they were getting along much better these days, Hartley didn't come around STAR Labs often. He didn't trust Wells enough to be around him, and sometimes Barry wondered if the opposite was true. He was still a damn good scientist and his ideas had some interesting potential, though his reports seemed incomplete somehow. Tampered with, possibly.

Barry thought about voicing that suspicion, but Wells interrupted them first.

"You should turn on the news. There's been a change in Starling City," he offered vaguely, not even looking up from his work.

Cisco pulled up one of the local stations, with footage of a riot from earlier than night against one of the goons threatening to take over the city. All Barry could stare at was the figure in green standing defiant - but untypically stiff - on the hood of a car. The loud thump of his heart was drowned out by the sound of the Arrow's voice distorter.

"I... I have to go," Barry stammered, taking off in an instant.

Oliver Queen was home.

***

The Bunker was eerily quiet. Barry had expected Team Arrow to stick around longer perhaps, grilling Oliver on what the heck had actually happened on his trip so Barry wouldn't have to. But when he arrived, everyone but Oliver was here.

"You didn't have to come," Oliver said, his voice hollow. He was sitting on a cot and staring at nothing in particular - which Barry found odd, mostly because Oliver wasn't afraid of other people's attention.

"Yeah, I kinda did," Barry said, curbing the sarcasm in his voice as a peace offering. He sat down next to Oliver, leaving little room between them. "Since I wasn't there."

"You can't come here anymore, Barry," Oliver said firmly. "Not casually, not on crime-fighting business, not for anything."

Barry stared at him. "But you're-"

For a non-speedster who was clearly in a lot of pain, Oliver sure moved fast. He pressed his fingers to Barry's lips to silence him - an action Barry was too stunned by to try and dodge.

"A lot has happened, and it's not over."

"Uh, yeah. I could say the same," Barry retorted.

Oliver shook his head and stood up. "Leave Starling City to me. Focus on your city, Barry. It needs you more than I do," he said, staring at Barry with such unwavering conviction, it pierced him like those damned arrows. Probably worse, because that hadn't been accompanied by such overwhelming heartache.

Barry leapt to his feet, meeting Oliver's stare and steeling himself to fight back. He swallowed, protests on his tongue. Oliver stared back, his eyes devoid of the kind of hope he liked to pretend he didn't have. All that was left was the determination to make Barry comply, and Barry already knew Oliver could make him move if he really put his mind to it. Like he was now.

"Get out of here," Oliver growled.

Barry did.