Chapter Text
sangwon can't sleep.
he tosses and turns, switching his phone on and off staring at the time going slowly, so so slowly, frustration builds up under his skin.
he shifts to his side, watching the slow rise and fall of geonwoo's chest. he sleeps so quick, sangwon just needed to switch off the lights and lay down and before he knew it and before he could even talk, geonwoo would've slept.
just like sangwon, he didn't use his phone.
he supposes they're both keeping away from it for similar reasons.
he smiles into the thin darkness.
all eight of them found out they weren't going to have it easy. they knew it wouldn't be, but finding out it was worse than they assumed it to be - it struck them a little hard.
geonwoo and leo had it worse.
sanghyeon didn't have it all that better either.
the other members were having every single one of their movements on the show currently picked and overanalyzed at, the public creating a personality profile of them based on five-ten second clips.
it's barely been a week, but it tired them just a little.
it tired sangwon enough he found he couldn't sleep as well as he used to before he joined the show.
it occupied his thoughts.
he's been thinking about what everyone was saying about him. he only knew a little, he's been staying away from social media entirely - but that little he knew bothered him.
he sighs, staring up at the ceiling.
no cracks, no shade amiss. perfect, new. designed to last them another six years.
their apartment was nice.
it was a small space, but it wasn't suffocating, it wasn't uncomfortable.
it was cozy.
they had two floors, a total of four rooms. their manager gave them the rooming arrangements the first night and split them in 2s. geonwoo and sangwon (to both their reliefs), xinlong and leo (compatible), junseo and jiahao (there was a strange air between them, but they were amiable), sanghyeon and anxin (got along just fine).
it was nice.
it was only a matter of time until they felt at home here.
he stares intently at the ceiling, eyes watering, unblinking. it was blank, so bland, so still. but it looked so...
sangwon closes his eyes and turns over, burying deep under the covers, the tears slip in, unhidden.
-
"did you not sleep well last night?" jiahao asks, slipping into the seat next to him, locking his seatbelt in place.
"so-so." he responds with an easy smile, blinking away the heaviness in his eyes.
jiahao stares at him.
-
sleep passes by sangwon again.
with how heavily packed their schedule was, he'd have thought he'd knock out immediately, but here he was.
staring up absently at nothing, tired eyes seeing nothing in the pitch black of the room.
he runs through their day in his head, tracking down every moment from when it began until they all returned to the car and came home.
they were... they had a better day.
they just stayed together.
the anxieties they all shared didn't go unnoticed by their staff, and they were surprisingly understanding of their condition.
they were happy, and they were thrilled to debut - but with the noise online, they weren't properly allowed to celebrate.
not yet anyway.
leo told the group earlier during dinner that everyone had to prove themselves at one point, and maybe it's the best for them to experience the rocks at the starting line and not as they approached the finish line.
anxin had said something in mandarin that both xinlong and jiahao nods thoughtfully and understandingly at, for the growing confusion of the other members. that went on to everyone immediately seeking assistance from papago and anxin sending the proverb into their group chat so they could translate.
sangwon reaches for his phone, swiping to open their group chat to scroll up to look at the message again.
anxinie / [20:49, seen] : 不经一番寒彻骨，怎得梅花扑鼻香.
junseo (ald1) / [20:51, seen] : without enduring a spell of bone-chilling cold, how could one ever enjoy the plum blossom’s penetrating fragrance?
all this.
again.
sangwon opens his instagram, staring blankly at the page, now actively garnering millions of impressions and almost a million followers.
would he post here again, perceived as he is now?
he switches it off and closes his eyes, willing for sleep to come.
-
he falls asleep 2 hours later, merely three hours before he needs to wake up again.
-
sangwon doesn't wait for sleep this time.
rising an hour from his position after ensuring geonwoo had slept, he grabs his cardigan, phone and a book before going to the living room, sitting at the dining table with a long, resigned sigh.
he might as well get some reading done.
-
he goes at it alone for some following days, drowning himself in the reading or sitting at the kitchen counters slowly brewing tea with their new set, or writing.
-
so when the routine breaks, he isn't expecting it.
sangwon doesn't hear him at first, engrossed in the pages of his wayward words, pen clumsy on the book.
then there's a tap on his shoulders and he startles, looking up to see geonwoo, brow raised as he takes in sangwon's comfortable position at the table, eyes flicking up to check the time.
sangwon makes a face, replying to the unspoken question, "i can't sleep."
his eyes lower. it wasn't that sangwon was intimidated by geonwoo, he'd laughed and played around with him during the show, he's comfortable. it's about the way geonwoo smiled.
geonwoo rarely smiled.
sangwon didn't know of it until they started living together but unlike how he was during the show, geonwoo truly didn't smile much.
he had the gait of someone who was motivated with drive like no other and also of someone who's already grown weary of the world and its endless trials.
"does reading help you sleep?" he asks, dropping his phone, airpods and glasses on the table and sitting down next to sangwon.
sangwon regards him, wary.
why are you sitting down right now?
he shrugs, "worse." his voice dips, "i feel more awake every page i flip."
"you don't plan to sleep then?" he points at the clock, "it's well past eleven."
"it'll come to me by 2."
geonwoo doesn't say anything after that. switches on his phone and goes to kakaotalk, leisurely replying to the many unread messages he had.
"it'll be bad for us." he says, some minutes later.
sangwon is confused again, trying to connect the topic before catching onto what they'd said last, "not sleeping?"
"sleeping late." geonwoo doesn't look up from his phone. unsaid goes, cause we will be sleeping every night. "you're already showing signs of fatigue."
it's not that he isn't sleeping. it's that he can't sleep.
he tells geonwoo that, adding, "having to depend on those sleeping pills suck, i'm better off with these terrible hours until i'm able to sleep normally again."
geonwoo leans back, tilting his head just a little to eye him, "how long do you think that will be?"
sangwon's gaze diverts to where his phone lays near his hand, hesitant. "we'll see."
geonwoo takes it for what it is, letting him be.
-
it's exactly two when geonwoo stands up, downing a single glass of water and ushering sangwon up from his seat.
sangwon glances at him, "what - to drink water?"
"it's two." geonwoo says pointedly, "sleep will come to you soon, we should go back to bed."
are you serious.
he manages to take his phone with him before geonwoo drags him towards their room, everything else left behind.
sangwon sits on his bed, drawing a knee up, "i'm not sleepy though."
"lay down," geonwoo says, pulling the covers over himself. he sits up on his elbow, waiting.
sangwon is a little guilty for having made geonwoo accompany him for three hours (even though he did not ask for it, and needn't be) so he lays down dutifully.
the other nods approvingly and switches off his nightlight, leaving the room in pitch darkness. "just close your eyes."
sangwon closes his eyes.
he's not sleepy at all.
this is so bad.
he can already feel the itching ache in his legs and arms, wanting him to get up.
"you know, during the finals, when our other friends came?" geonwoo asks.
sangwon doesn't show his surprise to hear geonwoo talk after having laid down already, humming in response to show he was listening, getting comfortable on his side.
he's asleep before geonwoo even gets to the point, mere minutes in.
-
geonwoo hears the even rhythm of breathing from the other side of the room, and holds still, his voice dying out.
he laughs into the back of his hand, moving the arm to lay over his eyes then.
untimely. but it works.
he presses a thumb down his own eyelid, burning with all the sleep he didn't get, "good night."
-
junseo is next to ask, sitting next to him as they're getting their makeup done.
"you seem tired."
sangwon shakes his head, denying, "woke up earlier than i should've."
with the tone he says it, it'd be a surprise at all, if anyone buys it.
-
anxin holds his hand, swinging it in between them as they walked the corridors of their company to the cafeteria.
sangwon smiles down at their fingers, "long day?" he saw anxin on his phone earlier. he was the only member who checked social media despite what's been said about them on there.
resilient, this one.
anxin shrugs around a weak laugh, "cherry blossoms and winter?"
sangwon's lips lift, chest warm, "adversities."
geonwoo, xinlong and sanghyeon walk ahead of them, talking in low tones. something about language classes and diet schedules, their voices carry to the others in the back.
sangwon listens to the lilt of geonwoo's voice and blinks blearily.
he stares at the back of geonwoo's head for a long time.
and he doesn't realise how long he does it until they're sitting down with their trays, readying themselves to eat.
the lack of sleep is really getting to him.
-
it goes that way for almost 12 days.
the first seven days, geonwoo finds sangwon an hour after he's left. the next five, geonwoo leaves with sangwon.
it's a strange arrangement.
sangwon never asks geonwoo why he's coming with him.
geonwoo never stops coming.
they just talk. sangwon doesn't read then, doesn't write. he talks everyday about various things. about his life when he was a bighit trainee, how he almost debuted, highschool and his family.
geonwoo talks about three pre-debut groups he was almost placed in and cancelled on, the stories he read, the music he made, how he got his degree and company experiences.
they talk about a lot such things.
they find out a lot about each other on these nights.
at one point, instead of sitting at the tables, they move to the couch.
geonwoo, wrapped under his blanket, and sangwon, hugging a pillow to his chest and talking under the dim light of the fairy lights sanghyeon and anxin left as a casual decoration on the teapoy.
he found he had many things to say. and the most irrelevant of things were what he always ended up saying.
to his credit, geonwoo was listening. so it didn't feel like it was in vain, and he wasn't in fear of boring him.
it was something past only 1 when sangwon felt the familiar warmth settle in his chest.
geonwoo smiles at him, a twinkle in his eyes as if he noticed something sangwon did. "we should go to bed."
sangwon hums in agreement.
he doesn't resist when geonwoo says it.
they rise slowly, geonwoo folds his blanket over the back of the couch and sangwon tosses his pillow in his corner, following geonwoo into the room.
he scratches at his throat, feeling an uncomfortable itch there, swallowing to make an attempt to get rid of it.
he sinks into the mattress with a relieved sigh, smiling up at the ceiling.
geonwoo switches off the light.
-
"you two are together all the time," junseo points out, sitting down on the sofa, next to sangwon from where geonwoo had just gotten up from to have his turn with their stylist.
sangwon locks his fingers together, biting at the insides of his cheek, "yeah."
"sanghyeon said he saw you two sitting at the couch together last night when he was about to leave the room to sneak in a snack." he adds, almost gently inquiring.
"just talking," i couldn't sleep, he wants to say but don't, "i talk too much."
"at night?" a nod, "with him?" another nod. "well."
sangwon glances at him questioningly and junseo pats a hand on his arm, "long as you're handling it well."
before sangwon can ask him what he meant by that, their manager calls for junseo and he goes, leaving him behind confused.
handling it well. ?
-
leo and sangwon had made it a thing to always sit together on their way home from the company.
sangwon leans against leo's shoulder and breathes out, seeking comfort. he slides his beanie down his eyes, tired.
"you're okay?" leo asks, a hand over sangwon's.
"yeah. just," he makes a noise, "always sleepy. or not sleepy at all."
leo shifts against him, "you're taking your meds again?"
"no, don't worry," it's been a long while since he had to, "i don't plan to."
he can hear the frown in leo's voice, "how do you sleep then?"
sangwon digs his face into his shoulder, "i just talk."
he talks.
-
"fanmeeting in five days." anxin reads out, eyes wide with disbelief.
sangwon scans their schedule, pausing, "house of h&m opening red carpet event in taiwan?"
"what?" leo asks, looks up at sangwon then down at his phone, "where's that one?"
"16th." sangwon replies, "interviews, photoshoots and meetings..." his voice peters out when he sees the final schedule of the month.
"MAMA." geonwoo says, simple, "of course."
"all this?" sanghyeon asks, then swallows dryly, "one month."
"they didn't add in the studio or practise room hours." sangwon says, dryly, "we're rookies. they're gonna stretch us thin to the best of their abilities."
"MAMA?" anxin's eyes shoot up, just catching on, "already?"
sangwon laughs, burying his face into his tab, "yes."
"cheers to our october," leo murmurs, sharing a look with junseo.
"cheers," they chorus, still processing.
-
it's the longest day they have ever since they were announced as a group, returning home together as late as 2 am, shuffling in tiredly.
sanghyeon, who was clinging to sangwon's back, mutters a goodnight to them and follows anxin into the room, flopping down the bed immediately.
sangwon whispers a you did well to anxin, and basks in the smile he recieves before leaving with geonwoo.
geonwoo goes to shower first, sangwon telling him he'd shower in the general restroom in the hall and sending him away. he wanted to heat up some water to drink some hot ginger root tea to soothe the biting ache in his throat.
it'd been bothering him for two days now, and he imagined he needed that out of the way if they're to perform at the fanmeeting in some few days.
he makes quick work of it, keeps some aside for later in a flask and goes to shower, swiftly washing the grime and sweat off of himself and returning to the room.
geonwoo's already asleep on his bed.
sangwon brows rise.
it's been a while since sangwon saw geonwoo asleep before him.
sangwon switches off the light and lays down, wincing and trying not to swallow with the rock that weighs heavily in his throat.
bad omen.
he turns on the dim grey light by his bedside and stares at geonwoo's face, quiet and at peace in his slumber.
he talked a lot now. he smiled often too. everytime he talked to sangwon, he smiled a little.
sangwon thinks that's progress.
he closes his eyes and snuggles in, sinking into the mattress.
-
he doesn't fall asleep at all.
just before when he knows geonwoo's alarm would go off, he wakes up and goes to the washroom, lingers there washing his face and applying his face mask before opening the door with a thin smile.
geonwoo pushes up blearily, eyes sharpening. "you woke up early?"
"just ten minutes ago," sangwon replies, sitting down at the vanity table to distract himself from geonwoo's hawk eyes. he opens the box on his side side of the table, "i'll do some nail care. you go ahead and shower first."
geonwoo gets out of bed, momentarily checking his phone before rising to approach him. he halts behind sangwon's chair, "what's with the flask?"
"ginger tea for my throat," he scrunches his nose in painful reminder, "it's been a little itchy."
geonwoo looks at him in the mirror, then bends down and flicks a finger under sangwon's chin, tilting it up so their eyes meet, assessing. watching.
sangwon's toes curl.
how to move away.
this is dangerous.
he didn't know why, but this was dangerous. their proximity was dangerous.
"did you sleep well?" he asks, tone disbelieving.
sangwon swallows, and the movement pushes at geonwoo's fingers.
he's panicking a little maybe.
he tries to laugh, the edges sounding very obviously feigned, "i got some little hours in. it made sense, it was called for." he shakes geonwoo's fingers away, "we did return that late."
"it's your usual time though."
"didn't feel enough tonight." sangwon suggests, then holds up his hand cleanser, trying to steer away the topic, "want some?"
geonwoo doesn't push. "maybe another day." he beckons at the clock with his face, "we'll be late if i don't shower now."
sangwon nods, exaggerating the movement.
he waits until geonwoo closes the door behind him to breath out, standing up to pace around the time - airing out his collar and other hand enveloping his throat in a comforting hold.
there was so much he hadn't accounted for.
he needs to sit and think this through the next time he gets the time to.
he turns with a swift movement when the door to their room opens and sanghyeon peeks in, hair dryer in one hand and toothbrush in another, "hyung, they said the drivers will arrive in 15, use the shower in our room - anxin-hyung is using the one in the hall. you won't have time if you stay here waiting."
"last minute notice?" he asks, grabbing his bathrobe and bath-basket.
"just called. hao-hyung came up and told me."
-
he showers in cold water.
-
sangwon was down with a fever.
he was lightheaded and down with the worst fucking headache and throat ache ever.
he sits down every chance he gets, sweating off his energy in the practise room, going through the tweaks they made in the CHAINS choreography again.
at the fifth break called, he goes to the corner of the room and folds down, aching everywhere.
anxin lays down next to him after their teacher leaves, breathing out haggardly, "my lifespan will reduce by thirty by the time we're done here." he passes sangwon the waterbottle.
it's cold. so sangwon holds it to his face rather than drinking it, "we need to make an impact, they said, so, an impact we should make."
the netizens need to see your full potential, she'd said. your first mini performance being at the fanmeeting will call attention towards you, no matter how intimately we've planned it to be. all eight of you will be scrutinized, they will try to find faults. as if that didn't already make the members full of anxious motivation, she'd continued to add, it's your first performance as eight, as a team. don't give them a chance to nitpick on anything. let's make an impact.
"an impact we will make if one of us pass out on stage." anxin sits up, hugging his knees to his chest. "it's... exhausting. it triggers up a lot of adrenaline in me, but with everything so shaky everywhere, it's exhausting."
shaky everywhere, public opinion. hate comments.
"we're not having it the way we were supposed to." xinlong adds, sitting down next to anxin and laying down with his head on his lap, closing his eyes. "we're just unlucky."
"do you think our seniors hate us?" anxin asks, tone genuine and curious, "i haven't seen even the chinese members of the senior groups around and coincidentally everytime we plan to go greet them, they're away on a schedule, or leaving for one."
"hard to tell." sangwon answers, smiling at nothing, distractedly holding the waterbottle to his throat to ease the heat there.
"let's hope not." xinlong rubs his eyes, "it'd be sad."
sangwon blinks away the sting in his eyes, begging for sleep, "yeah."
one after another, they sit on the floor, in a circle and deeply caught within their thoughts again.
sangwon looks at all of them, headache pulsing painfully between the gap of his eyelids. he makes momentary eye contact with sanghyeon before the boy looks away, invasive.
geonwoo catches his eye next, gaze inquiring.
sangwon only shrugs.
-
sangwon takes an advil upon return.
mindlessly sitting at the edge of geonwoo's bed, massaging his thighs.
everything burns.
and they didn't burn in an intense after-dance practise, workout way. everything burned in a something's not right in your body kind of way.
sangwon felt so helpless.
geonwoo comes back at one point, drying his hair and calling his older sister, leaning back against the headboard, not batting an eye about sangwon's appearance on his bed.
he rolls his eyes, "i know that, don't tell me to do something i already do," he shakes his head when sangwon looks at questioningly, pointing to his phone, "you're going to make me not want to do it anymore, stop - i get it."
sangwon tunes them out.
it sounds like the kind of bickering conversations he has with his older sisters, sun-hee and sung-ha.
he leans sideways on geonwoo's drawn knees, weighing down on it, waiting.
soon enough they hang up. sangwon hanging off of geonwoo's knee and tired, doesn't break the silence that follows, trying to regulate his breathing into a straight rhythm. because in the sudden quiet that falls, his heart begins to sound oddly loud in his own ears.
geonwoo adjusts his position, and sangwon looks up, tilting his neck.
his pulse races.
the moment is broken and sangwon springs apart when they hear the door open. heart beating tremendously loud in his chest, hands sweating, he leans in to see who came in.
"hyung?" sanghyeon?
sangwon pushes at himself to stand up, geonwoo following.
"come in," he invites, soft.
sanghyeon closes the door.
he sits.
-
geonwoo and sangwon stare at the other boy, sitting at the corner end of sangwon's bed, holding the pillow to his chest, chewing on his lips.
sangwon plays with the rings on his fingers, surprising himself with the heat he finds himself to be radiating and scoots away from geonwoo, gaining a nod of permission before covering himself with the blanket.
"i don't know what to do about him." sanghyeon starts.
sangwon frowns, confused. then his brows relax and his posture tenses, understanding dawning.
geonwoo doesn't say anything either and sangwon hopes he doesn't. if sanghyeon felt safe enough to come here and tell them this, then they're better of staying silent listening, since it was what sanghyeon looked to obviously want.
(sangwon didn't know where geonwoo leaned when it came to this, unlike himself, who everyone knew preferred men).
"he doesn't see me that way." sanghyeon carries on, voice muffled into the pillow. "and he's leaving next week."
next week? "did he talk to you?"
the ac hums in the background, the room is cold.
geonwoo is a quiet participant, fingers absently scratching at the ripped openings of sangwon's baggy jeans.
"he doesn't like me like that, he... likes someone else." he confesses, face entirely out of view, "and i don't know what to do with this, with how i feel. he loves me a lot, but not in the way i wish he did, and it's killing me a little and i really just want someone to tell me what to do."
sangwon doesn't know what to say.
before he can, sanghyeon looks up with a resigned shake of a breath, "they invalidate my feelings because i'm too young but i'm 18 now, i'm allowed to like him, i'm allowed."
"you're allowed." sangwon agrees, gentle.
"nobody thinks so." he presses the heel of his palms to his eyes, "i'm so tired, how to make this stop?"
sangwon's heart climbs to his throat, slightly jolting when geonwoo's fingers brush softly at his skin under the threads of his jeans.
he shuts his eyes, trying to breath through all the pain, and trying to breath through the whatever he thinks he just felt right now.
it's that easy to just... like someone.
he's not afraid.
he's just.
it's just really bad timing, he thinks.
for sanghyeon. but by the looks of it, and by the sensation that spreads under his skin at every stroke of geonwoo's fingerpads on his thigh, maybe him too.
"i'm sorry." is what sangwon ends up saying at last.
his voice is fragile to his own ears.
he's so tired.
he feels geonwoo's eyes sharpen on his face, but his own flick towards sanghyeon, seeking comfort and sending comfort.
sanghyeon takes one look at his face, a shutter of expressions flitting through his face and just lays down, hiding himself under the covers.
if sangwon and geonwoo hear him cry, they pretend they don't.
sangwon gets up and leaves, in dire need of a long hot shower and fresh ginger tea.
it'll sooth some of what's going on inside his head.
-
geonwoo stares after sangwon's back, weakly treading out the room.
-
sangwon wakes up in geonwoo's arms, face buried in his chest and held loosely within.
-
he panics.
-