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She's like a butterfly, always gracefully fluttering past, unreachable yet so familiar. Would you reach out to a butterfly if you saw one fly past? No. You don't have the right to do that. I know I don't. Once you touch a butterfly's wings, they may never enter the skies again. They are best adored from a distance.
I love her.
It's tragic, really. I wish I could've shared to her the feelings that I never let reach my tongue. They echo in my mind, a symphony of regrets. Since the moment I first laid eyes on the knight in blue, her armour glowing in the moonlight, an invisible blade positioned to my neck, in that moment i knew,
I loved her.
But now, I'll never get the chance to tell her. It's all thanks to my hesitance that I'll carry this regret.
Before I can think, i take a step forwards. Another step. Another. They get faster. That blue butterfly appears closer and closer with each and every step I take.
"Saber...!"
I yell out her name, desperately hoping it will make her stay. Tiny flicks of shimmering gold dust through the air as the form of Saber-- the girl I'd become so familiar with, disappears. I keep running, not taking a second to catch my breath. I'm not letting it end like this. I would never be able to look at Emiya-kun again if I let Saber-
Oh.
That's why.
A million thoughts rush through my mind in an instant. My love for Saber, who was it really for? Was it simple admiration? Was I simply projecting my love for Emiya-kun onto Saber? Perhaps it was these thoughts that made such a friendly girl seem so distant. Saber is a girl, just like me. She loves, just like me. She is strong, like I wish to be.
I've made up my mind. Once this is over, once me, Emiya-kun, Saber, and Archer all get back home, I'll tell her how I feel. I just need to keep on running. I promise you, Saber. I won't let you go.
I finally reach her. It was a brief moment for Saber, but for me, it felt like an eternity. My mind is so clear now. It's funny how things happen so fast when so much is on the line. On instinct, I extend my arm and reach out to the butterfly.
Please, say you will fly again.
"Saber... Please, make another contract with me."
The air is heavy, almost suffocating. I think to myself that It's very possible I'm just putting unnecessary pressure on Saber. I don't want my sad expression to influence her answer. Please, forgive my selfishness. I'm sorry. I just want to tell you how much I love you.
The knight looks at me. After a brief pause, she smiles,
"I accept your offer, Rin. From here on, I shall serve as your familiar."
She takes my hand; our new contract official. Saber is now my familiar. Wait. She took my hand... I look down. Sabers armoured hand is clasped over mine. I feel warm. My eyes widen ever so slightly, not quite enough for Saber to question me.
"We may talk more later. Archer should still be here."
Saber gives me a gentle nod. I freeze for just a moment, shocked for a reason I can't quite place. Saber held my hand. She really just held my hand. I feel my face flush.
"R-Right..! I'll make sure to tear that jerk a new one! You wait here, Saber!"
She will soar through the skies once more.
Archer disappeared with a smile. That damn idiot. Why did that stuck-up jerk have to be him? Just thinking about it pisses me off, yet... I can't find it in my heart to be mad at him. I know it was just a pipe dream, but a part of me struggles to accept that I couldn't bring him back home.
I feel my eyes sting just a little and a tear roll down my cheek. Did I really start crying over that asshole!? Wherever the hell he is now, he better hope that I never reach that place; because if I do, I'll make sure to-
"Tohsaka!"
Ah.
I turn to face the idiot I'm still stuck with.
We exchange smiles. Today's been far too long. I can't even bring myself to hide my tears from Emiya-kun. I should cut myself a break here, right? It's not like he will make fun of me later or anything. He'd be the biggest jerk on the planet to pull something like that.
I gesture a thumbs up, neglecting to wipe the tears running down my face. It's ok. They'll dry on their own. Emiya-kun, barely standing, follows suit. After a few seconds, he starts walking towards me. What an idiot. I watch him stumble. Before he manages to keel over in front of a pretty girl like the persistent moron he is, i grab his arm and sling it over my shoulders.
"It's over now, Emiya-kun. The three of us should head back home for the day."
Emiya-kun turns his head to look at me and blinks.
"Yeah. Thank you, Tohsaka."
If he smiles at me like that one more time i'll deck him. I swear it.
As we make our way to reunite with Saber, I feel the weight on my shoulder that is Emiya-kun get heavier. He's getting more and more limp by the second. Just what the hell did that blondie put him through?
I let out a small sigh and dread the work i'll have to do to tape this idiot back together. It's gonna be a long night, isn't it.
After a short yet arduous journey downhill, my eyes meet her once again. Saber. I swear she just gets more and more beautiful each time I see her.
"Heyyy! Saber! We're back!"
I yell just loudly enough for Saber to hear me clearly from our 30 meter distance. I can tell Emiya-kun is out cold since that didn't seem to wake him. I will admit, he is kinda cute when he's asleep. It would've been nice to see Archer like that- What am I thinking. I shake my head to derail that train of thought and shift my focus back to Saber.
I quickly cover the remaining distance between us until we're less than 10 feet apart.
"Welcome back, Shirou, Rin."
The blue knight smiles. That's a sight I'll never get tired of. Her golden hair sways lightly in the gentle breeze. Her silver armour catches the sunrise, making her glow like the sun itself. Her emerald eyes lock with mine. That warm feeling takes over once again. I really will get the chance to tell her.
Wait a minute.
"Ah! I forgot!"
I hurriedly place Emiya-kun in Sabers arms.
"Sorry, Saber! I forgot about Shinji. Just give me a minute, alright?"
I can't believe it. I actually forgot about him after going through all that trouble to save him. Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT!! It's all his fault for passing out like that and being useless while I had to run around making sure my servants wouldn't disappear!
I run a short distance and find an unconscious Shinji splayed over my now-infected coat. I'll need to wash that thing like never before.
I place a hand under Shinji's arm and lift him until I can comfortably sling him over my shoulders. I use my free hand to retrieve my desecrated coat and prepare to head back over to Saber and Emiya-kun. I turn around and take a few steps forward until-
I can still see Saber from this distance.
Wow.
I can't help it. I really can't.
It's like every time I see her, it feels like the first time.
I ask the butterfly;
"Can i adore you, even though we're as close as we are?"
A million years pass in a second. I've memorized every detail of the beautiful girl standing firm at the water side.
"Let's go home."
It's been a couple hours since we made it back to Emiya-kun's house. I managed to get Shinji to a hospital, but... I do feel bad just laying that all on Sakura. And even worse, I couldn't tell her what happened. I feel guilty hiding things from her-- I know that. But. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I were to give her such a burden. I shouldn't.
Never mind that.
Emiya-kun is sleeping in his room. I'm sitting next to him. I can tell he's still really out for the count since he's not demanding I leave while stuttering like a fool. He better thank me once he wakes up. I did take the time to patch him up instead of talking to Saber after all. I try my best to avoid looking at his sleeping face.
"Y'know, Emiya-kun... This reminds me of that night--"
I mumble to myself,
"The night you got absolutely walloped by Lancer and unfairly summoned my Sa-"
I stop myself.
Brief images flash through my mind. They don't even last a second yet each one burns itself into my memory like a television stuck on a single frame. I imagine the room next to me; the room Saber is currently sleeping in. I imagine her tired face, the subtle rise of her breath under the covers, and her messy blonde hair. I imagine just how serene she must look right now; like a pretty blue butterfly fluttering through an open field. The wind is far too calm to concern her. I can't help but be flustered.
"A-ah..."
My face starts heating up. Stop. Stop it. Stop it. What the hell!? Are you serious!? I shouldn't be thinking about her that way. After all, she's-
"AHHHH!! DAMMIT!! YOU MORON!!"
How the hell am I losing to Saber!? She's not even awake!!
I hear the door to my left slide open.
"Rin! What's wrong? Is there an enemy?"
I see a beautiful girl standing in the doorway, illuminated ever so slightly by the moon peering through the windows. Saber. She's wearing a small, simple nightgown. The white fabric gracefully flows down her body, lifted by her chest, creating a curtain-like droop descending her slender body and ending mid-thigh. Her legs are supple yet thin, the skin pale. My eyes dart upwards. Her arms, shoulders, collarbone, and neck are all exposed. That's not something i'm used to. Her hair is down, reaching just past her shoulders. I'm not used to that either. I make my way to her face.
I quickly turn to look at Emiya-kun.
I think my face is red. Very red.
"S-Saber... Uh-"
I feel my body tensing up.
"Y-you see... Emiya-kun said something really s-stupid in his sleep. Nothing happened, don't worry."
I hear Saber let out a sigh of relief and turn to look at her again.
"I-it was something about you being a glutton..."
After a few seconds of silence,
"I see. I will hope he heard you and adjusts his behaviour accordingly."
I see Saber nod to herself. I feel entranced by her. I'm really not used to seeing her this way. While i've been able to mostly compose myself, I doubt I can hide the dusting of pink spreading across my face I would imagine is in full view. I can at least be grateful it's dark-
Click
The lights turn on.
"I have a question for you, Rin."
I want to sink into the floor.
"What are you doing up so late? Would it not be ideal to get a good nights sleep after such a long day? I am sure Shirou would not want you to strain yourself for his sake."
You're one to talk.
"I..."
I look down, almost in shame. I could so easily just tell her I was worried about the idiot and end it there, but. I don't want to keep lying to her. That moron can heal from anything. Hell, he's recovered from much worse than this. How he manages to spring back up the morning after getting torn to shreds is still beyond me. Normally I would have no issue just going back to my room after patching him up.
"Saber... I just... I can't sleep. My head feels like it's about to burst, ok?"
I'm not sure how much more I can say. I feel my heart beat faster and faster with each word that escapes my mouth. Saber looks at me expectingly. She knows I haven't told her everything. Damn her.
"Saber, can we talk in your room please?"
I can't believe I just said that.
The knight pauses, looking at me curiously.
"...Alright. That would be best. We wouldn't want to wake Shirou."
Agh, stop saying that idiots name!!
It's been 3 minutes. I've been sitting across from Saber in her room for 3 minutes. Her room, similar to Emiya-kun's, is empty and well-organized, the complete opposite of mine. Why does such an uncrowded space feel so much more claustrophobic? I eye the area around me, making sure to avoid anything more than a glance at Saber.
Saber has yet to speak; I loathe how patient she is. She must be waiting for me to say the first word. I sink deep into my thoughts.
I love you,
is what I want to say, but I just don't know how. I need to say far more than that if I wish for my feelings to be understood. It's funny, really. I thought I had this part figured out back at the temple. Perhaps I let that small guiding light slip through my fingers.
I can be certain that this love I hold is for Saber and only Saber. Those longstanding doubts were chased out of my mind just hours ago, but... What if she doesn't feel the same?
If I were to express my love to Saber, would it even matter to her? Or even worse,
Would it hurt her?
Am I being too selfish?
I am being too selfish.
That idealized version of the knight in blue is nothing but a dream. Like all dreams, it will forever be unreachable. Maybe it's time I wake up. I'll apologize for wasting Saber's time.
I open my mouth. No words come out.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I lower my head and shut my eyes. I can't look at her. I sink deeper into my thoughts.
There's a vibrant grassy field that stretches farther than I could ever imagine, multicolored flowers speckled across the distance. The sky is a light sapphire, fluffy white clouds dancing across the empty space.
It started as a simple crush. I was enamored by her beauty. I know that.
There isn't a single disruption to that bright blue sky, not a single one, except... I see a single blue butterfly. Just one. There's only one butterfly in this field of flowers and grass.
However, I also know it wouldn't hurt this much if my love never grew from its infancy.
I watch the butterfly just a few seconds more. It's... Really pretty.
I really love her.
I lift my head and slowly open my eyes.
How didn't I realize it sooner?
It's ok if Saber doesn't love me back. Having the chance to tell her that I love her is more than enough. No matter what, I can't imagine my confession hurting Saber nearly as much as my current display of dishonesty.
My love for Saber is real, so real to the point my chest aches just thinking about waking up in the morning without having told her how I feel. I can't keep assuming the worst. That's more unfair to Saber than anything else.
"... Saber."
She turns to look at me. We make eye contact for the first time since we sat down. I'm done hiding.
"Saber, I..."
I really, really, really...
"Love you."
"I love you so much, Saber..."
I ball my fists, my shoulders tense, I can feel my face heat up again. Dammit. I don't have the time to care about that right now. Our eyes are still locked; Saber's Spring green eyes carving into my memory.
"I-I wasn't sure of what to say-- I'm still not, but... It's how I feel, ok!? Ever since I first saw you the night that idiot summoned you, I knew there was something special about you, I mean. Not because you're the saber class servant I wished to summon, you were just-- you are-"
I take a second to catch my breath. I notice Saber's eyes widen ever so slightly. Maybe I'm piling on too much at once. Even still, she neglects to utter a single word.
She knows I have more to say.
"I just... I wanna stay like this. With you. It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet, but I struggle to think of a world where you didn't exist. I love everything about you."
I look down once more.
"You make me feel happy, y'know? And I want to see you happy too. I want to see you smile more, to laugh more, and to just be happy. I-I mean it."
When did I start tearing up?
"I was so scared... So scared of losing you."
I brush my sleeve across my face, wiping up my tears. A few seconds pass. Please, please, please, please, please, please say something. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. What the hell am I supposed to-
"Rin."
Saber speaks for the first time since we sat down.
I look at her, noticing the pale pink tint slowly taking over her face.
Stop being so beautiful. Damn you.
"...Thank you, Rin."
...Huh?!
What do you mean 'thank you'?!
...
Why is it so warm all of a sudden? I don't understand it, but I feel so comfortable--
Oh.
Saber is hugging me.
It happened in an instant, an instant i didn't even notice.
Her arms are wrapped around me tightly, as if I'll disappear if she lets go. It's a light pressure, keeping me in place, in a place that I like. Saber's head is burrowed into the crook of my neck.
Her hair smells so nice.
"Thank you for telling me, Rin."
My face is burning even hotter than before. I just don't get it.
"H-huh...?"
"Your feelings are mutual... I have feelings for you as well. I've enjoyed our time together greatly."
Saber pauses for a moment. She finally lifts her head, landing her face way too close to mine. Ah....
"I just..."
...
"I did not wish to get in the way. I hope that me returning your feelings is ok. I do not wish to intrude or act selfish. My greatest wish is yours and Shirou's happiness."
I blink.
Is she serious?
For some reason, I feel like walking back through that sliding door and strangling a certain someone in his sleep.
"O-of course it's ok, i-idiot!!!"
Saber's grip on me persists. I need to figure out what to say next, but my mouth moves before my brain.
"Listen, if I ever g-get bored of you, I-I-- w-we can... Uh... We can let Shirou join!! H-how does that sound!?"
WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING!!?!?
I feel Saber unwrap her arms, freeing me from her herculean grasp. Her eyes are wide, her mouth slightly agape, she's wearing a look asking 'What did you just say?'
"Rin..."
"N-no, I didn't mean... L-listen... I... I do like Emiya-kun, yes, but that doesn't mean I can't love you, right? It's just a simple c-crush, got it!? There's a reason I'm saying all this to you and not him!!"
I desperately flail my hands around, gesturing in any way that I can, definitely making no sense. Dammit!! Why did she have to bring him up!?
I hear a quiet laughter. It's a pleasing sound, like the purring of a cat. Saber is smiling, her eyes kind, her cheeks still dusted pink. I've seen Saber smile quite a few times, but this... This is different. I've never seen the expression that's painting her face in this moment.
She looks like...
"I love you too, Rin."
She's looking at someone she loves.
A soft kiss lands on my forehead. It feels like a dream.