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Idiot. The words repeated in his head over and over again as he sat in the corner of the cold walls of his bedroom - cowering. His hands shook and he clenched the trinket in his hands tighter - as if it was his lifeline - as the words made a full circle again and again and again. Weak sounds of denial escaped the boy's mouth as he curled up further in his own comfort despite the cold environment that surrounded him.
Jealous. Tears started to form in his eyes of pure bitterness as he placed his palms onto his eyes; gripping onto his head. Maybe if he had just kept his mouth shut. Maybe if his lover didn’t exist in the first place - he wouldn’t have thrown the best thing that ever happened away. He removed his hands just slightly to look at the amulet that was originally clasped and hidden within his strong grip. A pang of hurt and regret filled his bones as he tensed up. What the hell did Minsu have that he didn’t?
Short tempered. Upset gaze turned hateful. His eyes formed a powerful glare and his eyebrows rose. With a sudden movement, the valued item was flung across the room - greeting it with aggressive impact. The man’s breathing was ragged and his muscles clenched as he watched. Watched the item fall to the floor and crack.
Instantly, his body scrambled to its feet and his eyes were wide as he slowly approached the broken charm on the floor. He suddenly fell to his knees and his cheeks became wet with fresh tears and his hands carefully grasped the item that looked up at him - like a reminder. A painful reminder of everything he has done. All his pathetic actions of his past that left him abandoned and alone. A quiet murmur filled the lonely room.
“God, maybe I am a jealous idiot.”
He sniffled and wiped his nose and eyes on the sleeves of his blue shirt and back hit the wall behind him as he looked up. Up at the ceiling that was as empty and distant as he felt. Instinctively, his eyes gently closed and he remembered it all.
He remembered the argument.
It was only two days ago but it felt like years ago. He was wrong. He was jealous of his boyfriend who was talking to another boy in a bar. The way they made eachother laugh made him loathe in hatred and insecurity so he snapped - told his boyfriend, Tony that he’s a cheater and a liar.
“What are you talking about, Namsu?” Subong joked - the words echoing slightly.
“You’re cheating on me with Minsu and for the last time, my name is Namgyu!” He replied, remembering the self doubt in his tone.
“Right whatever Namsu but, chill out, we were just joking around.”
Namgyu then remembered what he said next. The horrible, cold, inhumane words. He took a shaky breath and relived the moment again - like a punishment.
“Joking around? If you’re joking around with him you might as well die and hope you wake up in a new life when he’s with you everyday!”
Namgyu snapped out of it, his breath quick again and tears seemed to flow more than they were before. He missed Subong so much. More than a child misses their mother. More than a dog misses their owner. More than anything in the world. He didn’t mean his words - he forgot how sensitive his boyfriend was. Forgot Subong’s past habits.
He didn’t think he’d actually do it.