Chapter Text
Your gaze roams around the gymnasium, desperately searching for that one familiar face in a sea full of unfamiliar faces. You scan the first row where you’d usually see that familiar, heartwarming smile reserved only for you, and your heart plummets when you don’t see her anywhere. There’s a huge crowd gathered at the bleachers, faces full of excitement as they all buzzed with anticipation for the upcoming game.
It’s the last game of this year’s volleyball season, the do-or-die match of the finals round, so it’s not surprising that a lot of people from your school and the district have come to watch. This is the first time in its entire history that your school was able to make it this far during the tournament. Your gaze pans to the left where you see Maloi – your team captain for this season – doing some last-minute warm-ups before the start of the game.
Your breath catches in your throat when you remember that this is the last game of Maloi’s collegiate career. After this season, she’s going to graduate from college and then she’d be off to the other side of the city for work the following summer.
It makes your heart race, the fact that this may be the last time you’d be able to play in the same team as the older woman. And it makes you desperate to win, because you want to give Maloi the best exit that she so rightfully deserves.
She’s the best captain your team has had in years, and she’s a dear friend who has helped you time and time again, and has stuck with you through your ups and downs. You want to win this, for yourself, for Maloi, and for all the people dear to you who believe in you.
There’s a loud whistle, signaling to everyone that the game is about to start in a couple of moments, and your panicked gaze searches through the crowds once more. Yet the person you’re looking for is still nowhere to be found. She promised you that she’d be at the stands cheering for you and your team like everyone else. You feel your heart drop to your stomach at the thought of her missing today’s game.
She hasn’t missed a single one of your games ever since you started playing volleyball back in fifth grade.
Her presence has become your inspiration to do your best at every competition, because you could see her eyes shining with pride and her lips curling into the biggest grin every time you make a point or win a game. And whenever things don’t go your way, you just have to look at her at the stands, looking at you with determined eyes as if telling you to not give up and that she believes in you.
The thought of her not being there to support you today makes you falter and choke up, as panic quickly creeps inside your chest and grips tightly at your heart. You need her to be there, to help keep you grounded and to not let yourself get lost in your own head. But the second whistle sounds, and the game commences as the crowds roar in excitement in time with the announcement of the players for both teams.
Your gaze quickly scans over the crowd one final time, and you have to bite your lips to stop yourself from sobbing as you feel your heart break inside your chest.
So much for that promise then.
There’s only ten minutes left to the game, and the opposing team is leading in the fifth and final set. Your coach has called a timeout in the hopes of trying to get you all to collect yourselves. He’s just finished instructing you in particular, because it’s been obvious throughout the game that you’re not playing your usual plays.
You’ve been distracted and have played horribly throughout the majority of the first to fourth sets, and it’s finally beginning to set in that you’re letting your team down.
You let your gaze roam around your teammates, and you could see almost all of them with their shoulders slumped and with a resigned look in their eyes. It makes bile rise up your throat, because they’re all working hard trying their best to win, while you’re letting yourself be miserable because of your best friend’s non-attendance.
You realize that you’re letting your team lose.
It’s like a strong punch to the gut, because it feels like you’re being such a huge disappointment to all these people who believe in you. And when your gaze lands on Maloi, your heart breaks at the resigned smile painted on her lips.
Before the referees can call for the continuation of the game, Maloi gathers all of you in a huddle, forcing herself to smile a bit brighter for everyone’s sake. It makes you admire her even more, because she’s here casting her own doubts aside for the sake of everyone else.
“It’s been a great season, mga bhie,” Maloi starts, her smile turning more genuine with each word falling from her lips.
“Andami dami na nating pinagdaanan ngayong season para makarating sa puntong ito. I’m so honored and happy to have been on this journey with all of you. At kahit na ano pa man ang kahahantungan ng game na to ngayon, I’m still so proud of all of you, of all of us.”
She pauses a little to look at all of you one by one. The pride shining in her eyes makes your heart clench.
“We’ve all done a great job, so give yourselves a pat on the back ‘cause you all deserve it. Thank you for this amazing and unforgettable season everyone. Now, let’s go give it our all until the very end.”
Your teammates roar, rejuvenated after Maloi’s speech, and when your gaze meets hers, she flashes you her signature lopsided grin and hikes her thumbs up at you. You grin back, heart filling with a new sense of determination as you cast your disappointment aside. Maloi’s words hit you straight in the heart, and you’d be damned if you let the game finish without putting up a fight.
Pumped up with adrenaline and a new-found determination and excitement, you go back to the court determined to do your best and win.
Loud cheers erupt from the stands once the game officially comes to a close. All of your teammates flock towards you and lift you up in the air. You did it. You all did it. Your team ended up still winning the game courtesy of the three consecutive points you scored during the last stretch of the game. It was an exhilarating experience, and you feel so, so proud of yourself and your team for this achievement.
It’s a victory not only for you and your teammates, but for the whole school as well. The crowd is absolutely going wild and chanting the school’s name in frenzy and you feel your blood rush to your ears as adrenaline pumps through your veins.
Your teammates put you down to shake hands with the opposing team, and as soon as your feet touch the ground, you’re engulfed in a tight hug by none other than Maloi herself. There’s a wide smile on her lips when she lets go of you, one you couldn’t help but return, and you feel your eyes well with tears when you see how glossed over hers are.
“We did it,” Maloi says, her voice shaky as the first tear rolls down her cheek. “We did it, Mikhs. All thanks to you.”
Maloi’s shoulders shake as she begins to sob, and you pull her into your arms as you let your own tears fall. It may not be such a big deal for others, but this victory means so much to you and all of your teammates because you all worked hard for this. And you couldn’t be more proud of these people at this moment.
“All thanks to us, Ate Maloi. We all had a hand in this win, hindi lang ako,” you tell her, grinning widely through your tears.
Maloi just nods tearfully, again and again, as she laughs and cries out of pure joy. You hug her again, tighter this time. You were able to give her the exit she deserves, and you couldn’t be more proud of yourself.
There’s a warm feeling in your chest, originating from your heart and slowly spreading throughout your whole being. And it’s enough to temporarily distract you from the disappointment and pain that’s been clawing at your heart since the start of the game.
Once the hype dies down as the crowds slowly thin out, you start to feel that familiar ache creep back into your heart, one tinged with hurt and utter disappointment as you watch your teammates leave the court one by one. There’s gonna be a celebration later at the diner a couple of blocks down the school, courtesy of your coach for a job well done.
He gave all of you a few hours to yourselves so you can rest up before celebrating later, and your teammates are leaving one by one but you find yourself rooted to your spot.
Maloi approaches you once it’s only the two of you left and you know, just by the understanding look in her eyes, that she already knows what you’re thinking without you having to tell her anything. There’s a wry smile on her lips in place of her familiar lopsided grin as she walks towards you, her duffel bag hanging on her shoulder. You put your fists inside your pockets, your own backpack slung haphazardly on your left shoulder, as you meet her halfway.
There’s a moment of silence where the two of you just look at each other, as you both wait for the other to start talking. And as always, Maloi gives in first, letting out a huff as she stands before you, eyes glinting with something you cannot decipher.
“Hindi dumating si Shee?” Maloi asks without an ounce of pity or sympathy in her voice.
You hate being pitied, and it makes you glad somehow that Maloi knows you well enough to not pity or sympathize with you. She knows how important Sheena is to you – you’ve told her about your best friend one too many times during breaks at practice. And she also knows that Sheena has never missed a single game of your life, so Maloi must have put two and two together and figured that you’re feeling kinda bummed out right now.
You only shrug your shoulders in response, afraid of how your voice might break if you open your mouth. Sheena’s absence becomes more pronounced with every passing second, and you miss her bright smile, her warm hugs, and her cute ramblings of how great you are and how she’s so, so proud of you after every game. With a shaky smile, you politely ask Maloi to leave you be for the time being, because you need a moment to yourself.
Maloi nods her head in understanding, the corners of her lips pulling up into a sad smile as she pulls you in for a quick hug before leaving the gym as well.
Once you’re all alone, you head to the bleachers and take a seat, just gazing out at the court as you try to shake away the utter heartbreak you feel at Sheena’s absence. You’ve been best friends for years, and you’ve grown so accustomed to having her by your side that you always feel lost whenever you’re not with her. And it’s been happening a lot lately, ever since Sheena started dating senior student and basketball team captain Mark Almazan.
Your heart hurts at the thought of Sheena and Mark.
You want to be happy for Sheena, you really do, because that’s what best friends are supposed to feel, right? Sheena has been pining over Mark for the past two years and the guy finally had the guts to ask your best friend out at the start of the term. He makes her happy but even though you’re supportive of the two of them, you couldn’t bring yourself to be happy for them.
It makes you feel guilty most of the time, and you hate yourself for it, but you can't help what your heart feels.
How can you be happy for them, when it always feels like your heart is being ripped to shreds every single time you see them together? It’s very selfish of you, you know, but you can’t seem to get over the hurt and bitterness no matter how hard you try. It also doesn’t help that Sheena can be hyper-fixated at times, ending up unintentionally neglecting you and your plans, especially when the two of them make plans with each other.
Which, by the way, sucks a whole damn lot but you couldn’t really say anything about it for fear of upsetting Sheena. Seeing her sad is the last thing you want, and you’re sure as hell she’d be sad and remorseful if you confronted her about her negligence of your friendship.
It sucks, being in love with your best friend and not being able to do anything about it. And it double sucks for you because not only are you in love with your best friend – you’ve been in love with her since you both were twelve and had been keeping your feelings to yourself for the past nine years.
You never really bothered telling anyone for fear of having Sheena find out. Except for Colet, because you trust that woman with your whole life, and you know she’d take your secret with her to the grave should you ask.
A sigh falls from your lips as you turn to look upwards, a bit surprised to see through the windows that the sun has already set and the surroundings have been cloaked by the dark night sky. You pull your phone from your pocket to look at the time, sighing again when you see that it’s already half an hour past six – you’ve been sitting here mulling over your thoughts and feelings for an hour straight.
You let your gaze wander across the gym one last time, getting up on your feet and shouldering your backpack again so you could head home and sleep all of your angst off. But you find yourself freezing on your spot halfway across the court when someone rushes in through the doors and straight towards you, only stopping when she’s standing right in front of you.
Your heart skips a beat as you let your gaze roam over her features, taking in her flushed face and her sweat-slicked skin, and how her chest heaves with every breath she takes.
There are strands of her hair sticking to her face because of her sweat, and her hair is a bit mussed up – you figure it’s because she ran to get here – yet she still looks breathtakingly gorgeous under the moon’s silvery light.
It’s quiet for a moment, save for the sounds of her breathing as you let her catch her breath, and you find yourself unable to look away from her. Your heart does this thing whenever Sheena is around, where it putters to a stop, skips a beat, and then begins to race as if you’ve just run a whole marathon. And this time is no exception as you feel your heart beating wildly inside your chest.
Sheena Catacutan has always been beautiful – a fact you’ve known all this time – but to you, Sheena looks the most beautiful this way. With the moon’s soft glow illuminating her features, bathing her in its light and making her look as ethereal as those gods you’ve read in those mythology books Maloi loves so much.
“I’m sorry,” Sheena rasps out as soon as she can talk, her voice breaking at the end as tears spill from her eyes.
She looks you in the eyes, her own pleading and apologetic, and she looks utterly heartbroken that you feel your heart breaking along. You never really liked seeing her cry.
“I’m so, so sorry nakalimutan ko yung game mo, Mikhs. I . . . I’m sorry I broke my promise.”
Her lower lip quivers as she brings her hands up to wipe at her tears, and she looks so small and so vulnerable at that moment that you feel the strong urge to pull her into your arms and hug her sadness away.
So you do just that and you reach for her hands, gently holding hers in yours as you pull her against you. You wrap your arms around her frame, pulling her closer such that her body’s flush against yours with her head buried against the crook of your neck. With a sigh, you feel the way her whole body shakes as she takes in a sharp breath.
“It’s alright,” you tell her in a soft, reassuring voice, even though your heart protests the words that fell from your lips.
Because it’s far from being alright.
But the desire to make her stop crying is far stronger than any hurt you feel in your heart, so you just suck it up and comfort her to the best of your abilities.
“I don’t hate you for it, Shee. So, tahan na ikaw, please?”
But instead of being comforted, Sheena just cries harder at your words, her hot tears spilling against your skin like raindrops against windowpanes. And you’re left dumbfounded and panicked because you don’t exactly know which part of what you said made her sob even more.
Although panicked, you still try to collect your bearings long enough to attempt to make her stop crying a second time.
“H-hey, may nasabi ba akong masama? Why are you crying more? Did I say something that upset you?” you ask her as you rub soothing circles against her back.
Sheena shakes her head against the crook of your neck as she tightly wraps her arms around your waist. She squeezes once, twice, and it’s your cue to stop asking questions and give her time to collect herself. She cries for another five minutes maybe, before her sobs taper off into small whimpers.
Another five minutes pass before her whimpers turn into sniffles, and you can only sigh in relief as you sway the both of you from side to side.
It’s something you’ve come to find out that effectively helps to get Sheena to stop crying quicker, so you’ve been doing this every time she’s crying. Somehow, it brings a smile to your lips.
“Bakit ba ikaw ang nagcocomfort sakin eh ako naman yung hindi tumupad sa pangako?” Sheena asks once she pulls back from the hug.
You just smile at her fondly, and you reach a hand up to wipe at the tears still clinging to her lashes. She closes her eyes as she lets you wipe her tears for her, and her eyes remain close even after you’re done.
With the fond smile still on your lips and your gaze still locked on her beautiful face, you cup her cheek gently, letting the pad of your thumb run softly across her skin. She leans into your touch, and you internally wince as you feel your heart skip a beat at the gesture.
With a sigh, you lean forward to place a gentle kiss against her forehead. Her eyes flutter open when you pull back, and you flash her a soft smile as you drop your hands to hold hers, intertwining your fingers together. Your heart still hurts, is still in shambles as you look at her. But as you have come to accept long ago, you don’t mind it too much – hurting because of her. Tilting your head to the side, your smile grows a bit wider as you stare right into her eyes.
“It did hurt me that you’ve forgotten about your promise,” you tell her, quickly interjecting when you see the smile on her lips fall.
“BUT! Haven’t we established long ago that I hate seeing you cry the most? If possible, ayaw na ayaw ko na ngang makita kang umiiyak ulit, di ba? So, tahan na. Sige ka, mas lalo lang din akong malulungkot if you keep crying like that.”
Sheena looks like she has something to say, most likely wanting to argue, but you’re quick to stop her with a soft flick to her forehead. She glares at you in faux annoyance for that, and you just chuckle in response because it only serves to make her look cute. You’ve always found the younger woman's pissed expression adorable. You pull her towards you by your linked hands, bringing her into another hug that lasts longer than the last.
“I’ll be alright, Shee,” you softly whisper against her hair. “I’ll be alright as long as you’re there.”
A sigh falls from your lips as you lean your arms against the cool metal railings of your room’s balcony. The skies are clear tonight, and there are no clouds to obscure the view of the innumerous stars twinkling brightly against the dark sky. Your gaze gets drawn towards the moon, like it always does whenever you go out to gaze at the sky at night.
There’s something about looking at the moon that makes you feel solemn yet at peace.
Maybe it has something to do with how much more serene and beautiful everything looks under the moon’s soft glow.
Or maybe it simply has more to do with how heartbreakingly beautiful the moon is as it glows in the dead of the night, against dark skies that seemingly spans across the whole universe.
Or maybe it really just has something to do with how looking at the moon reminds you of Sheena. How, seeing its soft, silvery glow, to you is reminiscent of the other woman's soft and elegant beauty. And how looking at it feels so much like looking at Sheena – you can’t help but admire them and fall for their beauty despite knowing that they could never be yours, that they’re very far out of reach, no matter how hard you try to reach for them.
Not in this lifetime, maybe not even in the next.
A slow, chilly breeze passes by, and you close your eyes to enjoy the coolness against your skin. The corners of your lips curl up into a wry smile as images of Sheena flash before your closed lids. There’s that familiar throbbing in your chest again, one you’ve come to associate with thoughts about Sheena Catacutan.
It’s been a week since the volleyball game, and your traitorous mind takes you back to that day, where you offered to walk Sheena home once you were sure that she was fine after all her crying.
A shiver runs down your spine when you remember the feel of her hand in yours, how your fingers slotted perfectly against each other as the two of you held hands while walking to her home. You haven’t walked home together in a while, ever since she started dating Mark, and you feel your heart crack a little more inside at that realization.
Now that you think about it, it has been quite a long while since you and Sheena last spent time together with just the two of you. With her being busy with the university dance troupe stuff and her relationship with Mark, and you being busy with the volleyball season, it just had been difficult to find time to for each other.
“You’re looking awfully lonely tonight.”
You find yourself turning around quickly at that voice, your eyes widening in disbelief at the sight in front of you. There, standing a mere couple of feet away is Stacey in all her glory, leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed over her chest as she looks at you with a wide grin on her lips.
Your lips curl up into a huge grin of their own as she rushes and leaps towards you and envelops you in a tight bear hug. Stacey chuckles merrily as you catch her in your arms, the sound of her laughter slightly soothing the aching of your soul.
It’s been two years since you last saw each other, with Stacey flying to sunny Florida after graduating high school to pursue her collegiate degree. That’s where the best marine veterinary studies are offered, she had told you when she announced her college plans a few days before high school graduation. Her mothers usually just flew in to visit her every once in a while, so she never really had to fly back to the country for the past two years.
You can’t deny that you’ve missed her very much. Phone calls and video chats still can’t compare to actually having her physically present beside you.
The familiar feel of her body against yours is enough to melt away the tension from your muscles as you find yourself sinking further in her embrace. You and Stacey may have always jested and teased each other, but there’s no denying the fact that you actually have a soft spot for one another.
Stacey’s the very first friend you made when your family moved into the neighborhood when you were eight, so the older woman will always be a bit more special to you no matter how many other people come into your life – with the exception, of course, of one Sheena Catacutan.
A heavy sigh falls from your lips as you feel Stacey’s fingers gently comb through your hair, something she usually does when she suspects you’re stressed or upset, and it almost always works in calming you down. There’s a slight sigh coming from Stacey too, before she holds you by the shoulders and pushes you back a little so she can look you in the eyes.
“That’s one heavy sigh, Mikhaela,” she says with a gentle smile. You roll your eyes at her playfully and she gently hits your upper arm in retaliation as a chuckle spills from her lips. “Dalawang beses akong nag-doorbell pero walang sumasagot. So I just used the spare key you gave me before. Mag-isa ka na naman ba, Lim?” she asks, the corners of her lips pulling down in a slight frown.
You could only grimace at her question, shrugging your shoulders in feigned nonchalance as you fail to meet her gaze. There’s a soft sigh coming from her before you feel her hand on your chin, making you face her so your gazes can meet. She’s smiling softly at you again, an understanding look in her bright eyes, and you find yourself relaxing once more. Stacey always had that effect on you.
“Gusto mo sumama muna sakin pauwi? Mommy’s coming home from her taping tonight, and Mama’s cooking up a storm preparing all of her favorites. I’m sure those two would love to have you over for dinner.”
The prospect of spending time with Stacey’s mothers excites you like it always does. Your parents, although good people, are always busy with their jobs and almost always have no time for you. They have missed a lot of important events in your life as you grew up, and though disappointed and saddened at first, you’ve eventually learned to accept that they’re not gonna change any time soon and to not to keep your hopes up when it comes to them.
Besides, Stacey’s mothers have always been there for you when your mother and father couldn’t, and you’re eternally grateful for that. The couple have been more of parents to you than your own have ever been, and you’ve grown to love them and Stacey as if they are your real family over the years.
You nod your head excitedly in response to Stacey’s question, making the older woman burst into amused laughter. Stacey wraps an arm around your shoulders, both of you walking back inside your room so you could pack some of your stuff for an inevitable sleepover.
It had been a while since you last visited the older couple – the last time being the day before Stacey’s mom flew to Hong Kong to film a movie, which was a month ago – so you’re certain that they’re going to make you stay for the night.
With a huge grin on your lips, you sit on the edge of your bed, watching as Stacey bustled about your room to pack your stuff for you. Things might not be going well with Sheena right now, but at least you still have Stacey and her mothers to cheer you up.
The very first thing you do when you arrive at Stacey’s home is greet her mom with a tight hug and a kiss to the cheek. The older woman chuckles as you tackle her in a bear hug, her arms wrapping around your form and squeezing back tightly as if telling you that she’s glad to see you. You bury your face against the crook of her neck, letting her familiar scent wash away all the negativity in your being even if only for a little while.
Stacey just coos fondly at the two of you, walking past you to go up the flight of stairs to the second story. You figure she’s headed to her room to put your things down before you all go and greet her other mother.
“I missed you, Tita Jane,” you mumble against the fabric of the older woman’s shirt, another sigh falling from your lips as she begins to gently sway the both of you from side to side. Jane just squeezes you a bit tighter, her own way of saying she misses you too. She’s never really been the talkative type – that’s more Janella, honestly – and she’s more of the type to show her affection through her actions.
“C’mon Mikhs, let’s go greet your Tita Jea in the kitchen. Patapos na siyang magprepare ng dinner,” Jane says with a smile when she pulls back, and you find yourself nodding absentmindedly as you let her pull you toward their kitchen.
Dinner, as it always is with Stacey’s family, is a fun and heartwarming affair and you feel your chipped heart heal over a little at all the love and affection the three women shower you with. Stacey’s always treated you like the sister she never had, and Janella and Jane have come to love you as if you were their own.
You find yourself smiling and feeling happy throughout the entire meal, as Janella recalls all the eventful things that happened in Hong Kong while they were filming for her new movie. Stacey even butted in every once in a while to tell of her experiences back in college.
Once dinner is over, you and Stacey volunteer to wash the dishes, while Jane prepares popcorn and coffee for her and Janella and mugs of your favorite hot cocoa for you and Stacey. With this, the older woman is left with the task of choosing a movie that you all could watch, and preparing cushions and blankets in the living room for everyone.
Dishwashing is mostly spent with you and Stacey splashing and jeering at each other, until Jane comes and smacks the two of you on the bum. You both yelp, your lips curving into huge pouts to which Jane just raises her brow in response. At the end of your play fights, you finish washing the dishes rather quickly and the two of you help Jane carry the mugs to the living room.
There, Janella is waiting for you with the beginning scene of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone paused on the screen. She even pushed the coffee table to the side and laid out a mattress on the floor for you and Stacey.
Excited squeals leave yours and Stacey’s lips as you race each other to the mattress laid out on the floor, all while still being careful of the mugs in your hands. Jane just shakes her head at the two of you, yet there is an adoring smile playing on her lips, while Janella merely snorts in amusement as the two of them occupy the couch.
The two older women cuddle with each other as they get settled, with Janella pressed flush against Jane as they sit side by side. Their attention is focused on the TV, yet you can still see all these little quirks and mannerisms that they have which made you admire their relationship so much.
Jane has her arms wrapped around Janella’s waist, while Janella is holding a bowl of popcorn with hers, feeding Jane in between popping the snack into her own mouth. Jane’s hand is tracing light circles on Janella’s waist, and she keeps planting soft kisses on top of the latter’s head every once in a while.
And although not looking at each other, there are fond smiles painted on the couple’s lips, ones that clearly show how happy and content they are with each other.
They’re not really the type to be overly affectionate in front of others, preferring instead to tease and jokingly mock each other when they get the chance, although Jane does go soft for Janella most of the time. They’re quite an unusual couple, one you wouldn’t think would have ended up with each other with how different their personalities are.
But it’s so clear to anyone who interacts with them how much they love each other and how strong their bond is, because it shows in their smiles and the twinkle in their eyes, and how they look at each other as if nothing else in the world matters.
Sometimes, being with them and seeing them with each other makes you a bit envious because you also want what they have – a love and bond as strong as theirs. You want to experience how it feels to be happy in love, because all love has ever done is made you feel hurt and disappointed up until now. You want to be able to love without it hurting so much.
And most importantly, you want to be able to love Sheena without feeling like your heart's being stabbed and stampeded, and your soul being ripped in two all the damn time.
You just want ‘loving’ to stop hurting so bad.
It’s way past midnight when your phone lights up where it lays on the nightstand. Stacey’s mothers have retired to their room hours ago, leaving you and Stacey in the living room playing video games with kisses to the tops of your heads. It’s been an hour since you and Stacey called it a night, though, with Stacey falling asleep as soon as her back hit the soft mattress of her bed, yet you find yourself unable to fall asleep.
With a sigh, you reach for your phone on the nightstand, but your hands fumble and you almost drop the device when you see the contact name being displayed on the screen. Your heart begins to race, and you almost wince at how pathetic it is of you to be this flustered with the mere sight of her name.
Huffing half in frustration and half in agony, you swipe at your phone to display the message Sheena had sent. You fall out of the bed in surprise once the words register in your mind, and you stumble and fumble in your haste to get up from the floor.
I’m at our place right now. Punta ka dito Mikhs, please. Maghihintay ako.
The place Sheena is referring to is actually the small tree house in your backyard that your father built for you and Sheena when you turned ten. The two of you have been ecstatic once the small structure was finished, and you spent days painting and decorating the whole place to both your tastes.
The entire place is painted mostly in pink with strips of purple here and there, because you’re a sucker for Sheena and had always had a hard time saying no to her even back when you were kids. That small treehouse has served as your own space since, a place where there's only you and Sheena and no one else, and the two of you refused entrance to anyone who isn’t each other.
As quietly and carefully as you could, you head out of Stacey’s house, remembering to bring a set of spare keys for when you return later. It’s too late to be walking out, so you borrow Stacey’s old bicycle from their garage and begin to make your way back to your own home a couple of blocks down the street.
Once you get there, you go around the house to the backyard, pulling the bike along as your heart begins to thump loudly inside your chest with every step you take closer to the treehouse.
You can see a faint light against the clumps of leaves of the tree once you get closer, and you try your best to calm yourself when you get to the base, laying the bike down gently on the ground as you look up at the old and worn floorboards of the treehouse. Taking in a shaky breath, you grip the first rung of the ladder.
Muttering a quick prayer to whichever higher deity is willing to listen to you, you begin to climb up towards the tree house.
It’s been years, but the little infrastructure still remains sturdy as it holds the weight of two grown women without as much as a single creak. A relieved sigh falls from your lips once you finally pull your body inside, your breath hitching when you lay eyes on Sheena who’s sat at the farthest corner from the entrance.
She has her legs pulled up against her front, with her arms wrapped loosely around them as she gazes at you with an unreadable look in her eyes. You’re unable to hold her gaze, so you look away and crawl towards the other end across from her, cursing a little under your breath when the slightly rough floors scratch against the fabric of your pants.
It’s quite hard to move in here now, with how limited the space remains whilst you both have grown a lot. You could only grunt in victory once you finally settled on your spot, sitting Indian style as you let your eyes roam all over the place.
The paint on the walls has chipped and the photos on the west wall have begun to fade. All the notes that you two made for each other are still tacked to the cork board beside the lone window, but the papers are all now wrinkled and have begun to yellow at the edges.
The place looks neglected – which it actually has been – and you make a mental note to come back here and replace the paint with a fresh coat and to bring frames to hang some of the photos. Your gaze then settles on a note that reads Mikmik + Shee = 4eva in ten-year-old Sheena’s loopy handwriting, making the corners of your lips tug up into a slight smile as you recall the day Sheena wrote the note.
“Mikhs.”
You tear your gaze from the note to look at her and you once again find yourself breathless as your eyes lock with hers. Her eyes are shining with something a little akin to heartbreak, and you feel your heart drop to your stomach at the thought of her hurting. You’re about to crawl towards her when she asks something that makes you freeze on your spot.
“Hindi ka ba talaga pupunta sa ball mamaya?”
You feel the energy drain out of your body in an instant, as you slump back on your seat with a heavy sigh. Closing your eyes, you let your head loll back against the wall, trying your best to block out the memory of when you told Sheena that you’ve decided to not attend the year-end ball just the other day.
Sheena had sought you out that morning, but only to regretfully inform you that she had agreed to Mark’s invitation to go to the Athletes’ year-end ball together.
The two of you had this agreement that you’d attend any form of event together if the two of you still don’t have anyone when the events roll around, and you don’t really hold it against her for saying yes to her boyfriend.
They are dating, so it’s only expected that they’d go together, but it doesn’t mean that it hurts any less for you. Since you’re not really the type of person who likes to attend parties, and the only reason you were willing to go to the ball in the first place was Sheena herself, you figured it best to just not waste your time and ditch the event altogether.
Sheena had been shocked at your declaration then, and she looked like she was about to say a whole lot of things, but you had an important exam that day so you had to speed off just as she was about to open her mouth. It was lucky that you were able to dodge a potential earful back then.
You two haven’t had the chance to talk since, because Sheena had been busy with the final preparations for the ball while you got stuck with library duty during your free times for sleeping in Mr. Garcia’s Philosophy 101 class. It wasn’t really your fault that Colet, Gwen, and Jhoanna made you stay up late playing games the previous night because they were sore losers, but whatever.
Your thoughts are interrupted when you feel something warm land softly on your cheek. When you open your eyes, your heart almost leaps out of your chest when you see that Sheena has crawled closer to you. There’s a worried look in her eyes as she looks at you, her hand gently cradling your cheek, and you berate yourself for getting too lost in your own thoughts that you forgot that she’s here with you.
Sighing softly, you lean against her touch, turning your head a little so you could place the softest of kisses against her palm – your way of apologizing. She smiles at you in response, her eyes curving into those beautiful crescents that you love so much.
With a small smile of your own, you reach for her hand on your cheek and hold it in your own, temporarily distracted and amazed at how your hand completely engulfs her much smaller one.
“I’m sorry, Shee,” you say regretfully, feeling your heart break a little when the smile falls from her lips.
You see the slight quiver in her lips at the nickname that rolls smoothly from your lips, one you haven’t been using in a while, and try to pretend to not notice the slight heartbreak in her eyes.
“I’m just . . . not really cut out for parties and events of the likes of that ball. And before you say anything, wala kang kinalaman sa decision ko to not attend, okay? You and Mark are dating and it’s understandable that you’d want to go together. I understand that, and I completely respect that.”
Every word falling from your lips is like a dagger to your heart, but you need to suck it up because Sheena needs to hear it from you herself. She doesn’t have to feel guilty about you not going to prom because it’s your own decision, and she most especially does not deserve to have her night ruined should she let the guilt pester in her heart.
You squeeze her hand, once, twice, before you let go in order to pull her towards you. Your legs bracket either side of her hips as you pull her back flush against your front, resting your chin against her right shoulder as she lets out a sigh of contentment while snuggling further against your embrace.
“Gusto sana kitang makasayaw sa event mamaya, kahit isang beses man lang,” she mutters softly – sadly – after a while, and it makes the already present cracks in your heart deepen a little more.
You wrap your arms around her midsection tightly, burying your face against the crook of her neck and breathing in her calming scent.
“Come here then,” you say just as softly, placing a light kiss against her skin that makes her breath hitch slightly. It happens so quickly though, that you’re beginning to think that it was just a figment of your imagination.
“Come here after the ball. It doesn’t matter what time, or how long it takes. Just come and I’ll be right here waiting for you with a bouquet of your favorite flowers and our favorite song. I’ll be waiting for you patiently, I promise.”
Just like I always do.
The sun is beginning to break out of the horizon when you make your way back to Stacey’s home. You and Sheena stayed at the tree house for a while, just chatting and catching up with each other’s lives while cuddling until your phone pinged, displaying a worried text from Jane asking where you are. Regretfully, you tell Sheena that your time together is up.
With a heavy heart, you help her get down from the tree house, offering to take her home on the bike you borrowed from Stacey. The two of you then walk around the house to the front yard, with you bringing the bike along, your legs feeling like dead weight as you drag your feet along the grassy ground.
“Thanks, Mikhs,” she tells you when you stop by the curb, a gentle smile playing on her lips as she watches you carefully mount the bike.
You try to ignore the way your heart seems to be doing flips and somersaults inside your chest when Sheena perches on the seat in front of you, settling there comfortably as she leans against your body. With a shaky breath, you kick off and pedal slowly, the bike cruising along the empty streets smoothly and the chilly early morning breeze making the hairs on your skin stand on end.
Since Sheena doesn’t really live that far, you reach her house sooner than you would have liked. There’s a hint of disappointment that tugs at your heart as you stop by their porch steps, with Sheena carefully getting off the bike with your help.
It takes a lot of effort to suppress the sigh that wants to leave your lips, but you’re still able to hold it back and even fake a somewhat believable smile when Sheena turns towards you. There’s a gentle smile on her lips and the slightest hint of sadness in her eyes and, being the eternally whipped loser that you are, you can’t stand seeing that look from her.
So, you reach forward, cupping her cheeks with both of your hands as you slightly squish them causing her lips to pucker. Her brows furrow as she mockingly glares at you, but the sadness in her eyes is replaced by one of fondness, so you just grin widely at her. She rolls her eyes at you but the gentle smile is still on her lips when you let go, and somehow it looks a bit fonder now, a lot softer, and it makes your heart skip a beat. Reaching for her hand, you intertwine your fingers together, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.
“Seriously though,” you tell her. “Punta ka lang sa bahay once the ball is over. You can even stay the night since you already have a ton of your stuff left in my room anyway.”
She slaps you hard on the upper arm and it stings a little, yet you couldn’t stop yourself from grinning.
“We can just marathon that series you’ve been bugging me to watch for months now. And we can even binge on your favorite junk food and ice cream.”
This makes her perk up, and you feel your heart warm at the excited glint that takes over her eyes. Sheena’s such a pure soul, with a personality as big and as bright as the scorching sun, and you consider yourself very lucky to be able to bask in her presence.
“Promise yan, ah?” she says excitedly before leaning forward to plant a soft kiss against your cheek.
You feel your blood rush to your cheeks at this, and you’re quite grateful that the moon and the dingy lamp post located some meters away are the only sources of light right now, else she would’ve seen how flushed your cheeks have become.
With one final pat to her head, you urge her to go inside without much protest. She waves at you one final time before closing the door, and once she’s out of sight, you begin to pedal down the street once more to head back to Stacey’s place. The early morning air is freezing as it hits your skin, keeping you awake enough to bike all the way back to Stacey’s home.
When you arrive, you’re a bit surprised to see Jane sitting at the porch steps with two steaming mugs beside her. She’s looking at something on her phone, and when she looks up, a smile takes over her features when she sees you. She motions to the spot beside her, patting it gently as if telling you to take a seat.
You dismount the bike and set it to the side of the porch steps, taking a seat on the spot beside Jane. She reaches for one of the mugs – the purple one – on her other side and hands it to you. Carefully, you take the hot mug from her hands, muttering a soft thank you to her before taking a tentative sip. You perk up almost instantly as the familiar taste of the older woman’s hot chocolate hits your tongue.
Your hands are a bit numb and shaky from the cold, so you’re quite thankful for the warmth the mug of hot chocolate provides. A blissful sigh leaves your lips as you continue to drink from your mug, and Jane just watches you with a fond smile on her lips.
“So, where have you been?” she asks after letting you be for a while, with you close to finishing the drink she prepared for you.
“Uh . . . home . . .” you answer, albeit a bit hesitantly.
Jane clucks her tongue, most probably due to the fact that you went out so late at night. But she doesn’t scold you, merely flicking you on the forehead before ruffling your hair. There's a certain glint in her eyes and a knowing smile on her lips as if she knows who you've been with, and you groan internally when your gazes meet because her smile just turns teasing as she raises an eyebrow at you.
You remember how it was actually Jane who first discovered your feelings for Sheena, and how it was her who made you realize that what you feel for your best friend has been more than platonic all this time.
“Next time you decide to go out of the house at an ungodly hour, mag-iwan ka ng note or text man lang kung saan ka pupunta para hindi kami mag-panic, yeah? Pasalamat ka talaga na ako yung nagising dis oras ng gabi at hindi ang Tita Jea mo. She would be torturing you right about now for just going off like that at this hour.”
The mental image of a pissed off Janella makes a shiver run down your spine, because you remember so well how she gives off the most hellish punishments when she’s mad. Tita Nadine’s punishments could not even compare, and you think she’s the scariest person ever.
You wince as you remember all the times you and Stacey and her cousin Aiah had to go through one of Janella’s punishments when you were younger, your muscles feeling this sort of phantom ache at the mere thought of swimming pools and the park near your home every single time.
Your expression at that moment must have been hilarious because Jane bursts into amused laughter just by looking at your face. With a pout, you turn towards her and poke at her side where you know she’s most ticklish. She yelps, breaking off her laughing spree as she jumps slightly on her seat.
“What’s so funny?” you whine at her.
“Nothing, kiddo,” she says gently with a fond smile.
A comfortable silence blankets the two of you then, as you continue to sip from your mugs while enjoying each other’s company in peace. The moment lasts for a few minutes, until Jane finishes her drink and she begins speaking again. Her tone is mellow and melancholic as she speaks, and you feel this sort of tug at your heartstrings at how sad she sounds.
Jane is one of the most optimistic and bright people you’ve ever met, rarely getting angry or upset, and it feels somewhat foreign to see her be anything but.
“Stacey experienced her first heartbreak around two years ago,” she starts off, turning towards you with a look in her eyes as if asking if you remember.
Of course you do. You were there for Stacey all the times she had broken down and cried herself to sleep. You don’t interject though, because it looks like Jane still has a lot to say.
“As a parent, sobrang sakit para sa akin na makitang nasasaktan ang anak ko. She’s forever going to be my baby girl, and I didn’t carry her for nine months and raise her with all the love in me just for some girl to break her heart like that. Sobra yung galit at sama ng loob na naramdaman ko noon seeing her hurting like that, and I wanted to give that girl who hurt her a piece of my mind.”
Jane pauses to take a breather.
“Pero hindi ko ginawa, kasi alam kong hindi yun gugustuhin ni Staku. She just loved that girl so much. Para pampalubag-loob, inisip ko na lang na life lesson na rin yun para sa anak ko, for her to learn and grow as a person. Sometimes, we get our hearts broken in order for us to learn.”
Jane takes a brief pause to look you in the eyes once more, and the corners of her lips are curled up into a desolate and nostalgic smile. There’s that knowing glint in her eyes again, making you feel vulnerable and exposed under her gaze. She holds your gaze for a moment before a contemplative look settles on her features, then she looks away and focuses on the distance again.
“You know, your Tita Jea actually wasn’t my first love.”
This catches you by surprise, you’re not gonna lie, as you turn to look at her with disbelieving eyes and furrowed brows. All this time, you thought they were each other’s first loves. Jane just shrugs at you as she leans back on her arms, now focusing her gaze on the slowly brightening sky.
At this, your mouth drops in disbelief as you look at her. There’s a nostalgic smile playing on Jane’s lips, yet it lacks the regretful heartbroken look you often see when you’re looking in a mirror, or when you’re looking at Stacey’s or Maloi’s smiles.
There’s a slight pause where Jane just turns to look at you, her smile turning amused when she sees how flabbergasted you are at this new information she just presented you with. She then reaches over to gently ruffle your hair.
“I guess ang gusto ko lang talagang iparating eh if it’s meant to be, then it will be. I know you’re hurting now kiddo. And it either hurts because you love Sheena so much but the two of you are not really meant to end up with each other.”
Another pause.
“Or baka naman meant to be talaga kayo, and it only hurts now because it’s not your time yet, kasi bata pa naman kayo and you both still have a lot to learn in life para mag-grow. Pero kung ano man ang mangyayari, malalaman lang talaga natin by letting time take its course. You’re still young Mikhs, and there are still a whole lot of people out there you’ll meet over the course of the years.”
Jane pauses again, this time to pull you against her, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and giving you a slight, reassuring squeeze.
“If you and Sheena really are meant to be, then you’ll still find yourselves with each other in the end no matter what.”
The hours seem to have passed by so quickly. After your chat with Jane, she made you go to bed so you can rest. Your mind was still racing then, but your body must have been so tired that you fell asleep almost as soon as you laid down on the bed beside Stacey.
When you woke up, it was already past lunch time, and Jane and Janella greeted you with gentle pats to the head and a late lunch of pork sinigang and some fried chicken when you went down to the kitchen. Stacey was out visiting some old friends for the rest of the day.
After your late lunch, you thanked the couple with warm hugs and kisses to their cheeks before going home. Janella offered to drive you back, but you insisted on going home on your own because you wanted to take a stroll while organizing your very jumbled thoughts.
Jane’s words from hours before are still stuck in your head, swimming around the forefront of your mind and trumping over every other thought. It seems that the older woman understands what you want almost immediately, because she lets you go with an encouraging smile while gently ruffling your hair. With one final hug to the couple, you’re on your way home.
As soon as you reach your house – it’s still quite hard to call this place home most of the time – you go straight to your room and search for the fairy lights you used for the surprise you prepared for Sheena’s sixteenth birthday. You find them under your bed, filed in a box with other items that remind you of Sheena. You’re actually a bit dumbfounded when you catch sight of a small, orange cat figure made of hardened clay.
Your lips automatically curl up into a smile when you remember that it’s the clay model Sheena made for her third grade art project, which she gifted to you after because it reminded her of you. With shaky hands, you reach for the cat figure and take it with you along with the fairy lights.
Figuring that Sheena would be hungry after the ball, you spend the rest of your afternoon preparing dinner and some snacks for when you watch movies later on in the night. The sun’s beginning to set when you’re finished preparing the food, so you hurry to the backyard to set up the fairy lights all over the place.
Once you’re done with that, you then rush to your room to take a quick shower before waiting for your best friend at the backyard patio. Looking at the watch strapped to your wrist, you see that it’s only half past seven, so you still have at least an hour and a half more to wait.
Now that you’re waiting for Sheena, time seems to pass by so slowly. You’re starting to get jittery with anxiety, so you try your best to distract yourself from thoughts about Sheena. But then you think about how she’d look when she arrives, if she’ll still be wearing her prom dress or if she’ll opt to change into more comfortable clothes.
Your heart beats wildly at the thought of Sheena in her dress, looking the elegant beauty that she is, and then it putters to a stop when you think about her being in Mark’s arms all night as the two of them danced and swayed nonstop to the romantic music being played there.
You must have been lost in your own thoughts for a long while because there’s suddenly someone tapping you gently on the shoulder. And when you turn around, you literally fall to the grassy ground at the sight that greets you. Standing right before you and wearing a light purple strapless dress that goes a few inches past her knees, Sheena looks at you with a fond smile on her lips and that familiar glint in her eyes whenever she’s genuinely happy about something.
Your gaze pans over her features, drinking in the sight of her looking so beautiful in her dress, with her hair falling in soft waves down her back. You’ve said this before, and you’d never get tired of saying this over and over again, but Sheena Catacutan just is the most beautiful being your eyes have ever laid upon.
“Anong ginagawa mo dyan sa lapag, Mikha Lim? I believe you still owe me a dance.”
The way she says this so cheekily makes your heart fumble as you slowly get back on your feet. The playful smile on her lips is enough to melt away all the doubts and worries as your mind gets occupied with the woman standing in front of you. Without a word – honestly, you’re not really sure if you’re able to talk at all at this moment – you gently hold her by the wrist and pull her towards the center of the backyard.
You let go so you can fish out your phone from your back pocket, playing a piano and cello version of Christina Perri’s A Thousand Years you made with Gwen just last month. It’s supposed to be a part of your gift for Sheena’s birthday, a collection of piano covers of her favorite songs you did yourself.
But tonight’s a special case, and you figured that Sheena would like it more if you two danced to music you prepared yourself. You grab her hands as soon as the first note plays, guiding them around your neck as you place yours on her waist. There’s a questioning look in her eyes as she looks at you, as if asking if you’re the one playing the piano, and your only answer to her is a shy smile as you begin to sway to the beat.
As if knowing how special tonight is for you, a group of fireflies start gathering and dancing about the two of you, their beautiful blinking lights adding to the beauty of the fairy lights that surround the two of you as you dance under the full moon. Sheena looks so breathtakingly beautiful at this moment that you find it nearly impossible to take your gaze off her. With a shaky breath, you pull her closer flush against you, as you bury your face in her hair whilst dancing to the sweet melody coming from your phone.
“You look so beautiful tonight, Shee,” you tell her breathlessly.
It’s so hard, being close to Sheena like this.
Because she makes you feel so alive yet at the same time takes your breath away every time. Sheena’s only response is to squeeze you a bit tighter as you slow-danced in each other’s arms.
You remember Jane’s words once more. And now, you can’t help but hope and pray for Sheena to stay in your life for as long as you live. It doesn’t matter if she ends up never taking notice of or reciprocating your feelings. Hell, you’re willing to die an old maiden if it means that you get to keep the younger woman in your life. And you wouldn’t even have any regrets about it.
Why?
Because to Mikha Lim, living a life without Sheena Catacutan feels a lot like not living at all. And you’re not brave enough to face such a dreary, depressing future.
Does that make you a coward, then?
Maybe.
And will it hurt if she eventually ends up marrying someone who isn’t you?
Oh, definitely.
But you’re Mikhaela Janna Lim, and you believe that you’ve been born in this world with the sole purpose of loving Sheena Mae Catacutan wholly, unadulteratedly, irrevocably.
And honestly? You wouldn’t have it any other way.