Archive of Our Own

Rip was about to go to bed. He’d made sure everything was locked up for the night, he turned on all the emergency lights. The shotgun was sitting by the couch. He would have slept in the main house, but thought it was inappropriate considering everything that had happened. He would have if Beth had asked him, but he hadn’t mentioned he was staying. She had no idea anyone was staying behind to make sure she didn’t get into too much trouble. Or scared when it was time for the lights to go out. She still had a lot of anxious nights from the attack. She still came searching for him for comfort. He was terrified if he left her alone, she would eventually panic in the middle of the night and take off. She wouldn’t be able to call him where they were taking the cattle. She wouldn’t be able to reach him for a few hours on horse back. She wouldn’t be able to navigate in the dark. She could barely ride in the daylight. It was just too soon for him to leave her. To not be available the instant she screamed.

Rip jumped when he heard the sudden howling so close to the house it made his skin crawl. He knew it couldn’t get any of the horses left behind and all the cattle were miles away. There was nothing for a big wolf to take interest in left at the ranch; unless Beth wandered outside at the noise. Or she was already outside looking for him, hoping he was still there. That’s the only reason he even bothered leaving the cabin. The sound was too loud, too close, sounded too off for him to leave it alone. “Always fucking something,” he mumbled, but would have ran through fire for her. He was just hoping he wouldn’t have to. Being shot hurt enough.

Rip was quiet as he stepped out the front door, making sure not to lock himself out, even though he knew he could always call Beth to let him in the main cabin. He refused to wake her if she was finally sleeping through the night. It had been a few days since she wandered to his front door, looking for someone to make her feel safe. She hadn’t called him, to come sit with her in the silence of the stables. He was actually hoping she was sleeping soundly in her bed. But the closer he got to the howls, he heard Beth’s familiar drunken laugh. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to be furious and scream at her for putting herself at risk. But that would do nothing but isolate and hurt her more. She needed the understanding and freedom to be what she needed at the time. Instead of telling her to stop, he slowed his pace, and watched her spin in a circle for a moment. Smiling and laughing. Not a care or worry in the world.

Beth had started drinking an hour before her dad headed to the barn. She was a little more clingy than normal. Pulling in her attitude, to just enjoy his presence and the safety he provided. She knew he noticed. She could see the worry in his eyes, but the corner of his mouth still twitched as she continued following him through the house, talking about anything that came to mind. Keeping it pleasant for the first time in twenty years. Letting him tell her every detail of what they would be doing over the next few days, giving her a few things she could handle if she wanted. He left her the directions of where he’d be and told her which horse to grab if she needed to come find him, but she reassured she’d be fine. And then she remembered, Rip was going too.

She took her pills not long after everyone left. The silence and whispers she swore she heard around every corner, were driving her insane. She jumped at every creak and noise outside. Every shadow, was another attacker. She wished she’d taken Jamie’s offer, when he said he’d come home. She was kinda wishing she would have let Rip ride out there with her. If she was with him, she felt better on a horse. The longer she sat in the silence of the big cabin, the more her mind raced and the more she drank. She couldn’t help taking a few more pills and the bottle of whiskey, before she wandered out the front door; barely remembering to close it behind her.

It was eerily quiet as she skipped and twirled down the path to the barn. All the lights were still on even though no one was there. Even Rips porch light was still on. She had to take another long drink, as her heart pulled her towards his cabin, but she knew he wasn’t there. The thought caused uncontrollable anxiety and panic to burn her chest. Her palms and the back of her neck were covered in sweat. Her fingers tingled. She tried biting her bottom lip to force her chin to stop trembling, as the tears began to built. All she could do, was take another long drink. Feeling the familiar burn down her throat. There was nothing else she could do, but wait for her pills to kick in, and that wouldn’t take long.

Twenty minutes of leaning against the side of the barn, drink a fourth of the bottle, she felt the fear and anxiety finally slip from her consciousness. She couldn’t focus on a single thought long enough to worry about them. All the fear she felt of another attack was forgotten, as she put down the bottle and started climbing over the arena fence. She could have unlocked the gate, but it was so far away. She wanted to feel the soft dirt under her bare feet. She wanted to run, where she could see where she was stepping. She left her phone in her room, if she stepped on a snake, there was little she could do unless she made it back to the house. She didn’t know what made her start howling. Probably the pain and fear that she’d numbed in her chest. She didn’t want to scream. Even if she was alone, it was still possible Jamie could come home to check on her and freak out. Her father or Kaycee could come wandering back, and have a heart attack if she screamed to match the panic in her chest and belly. So she howled. Not caring if anything answered back. It just felt good to run and make a little noise. Maybe she’d eventually wear herself out.

Rip watched her for a moment, as she continued to howl, and stumble to the ground. Falling hard on the side he knew still ached when she breathed too hard. He carefully put the shot gun by the fence, before loudly pushing it open. Trying not to startle her, but letting her know someone was there. “What in the fuck are you doing now?” He couldn’t help barking, but she still had two fractured ribs that were barely healed. Throwing herself on the hard ground over and over would only cause unnecessary pain in the morning. He could tell she was drunk from where he stood at the gate. Just her giggles and stumbling was enough, he was sure her breath smelled of whiskey and cigarettes. When she glanced at him, he could tell she’d already taken whatever pills she took at night to make her forget whatever chaos was in her head. He thanked God he decided to stay. When John told him Beth was staying behind alone, something in his chest ached. He couldn’t make himself leave. He couldn’t force himself to agree. Even when Lloyd asked him again that morning, he reassured everything was fine. He just wanted to keep an eye on things. But he knew the two men could read between the lines. He wouldn’t leave her alone. He’d made that mistake the night she went to her office after he’d told her he had a bad feeling. He didn’t want her to go. Something in his gut ached when she left. When he got the text, every nerve in his body exploded. He never felt fear, like he felt in the twenty minutes it took to barely save her. He wouldn’t leave her again, not while that feeling still coursed through his veins.

Beth jumped at the sound of Rips voice, but when she saw his face, she couldn’t help but start laughing again. The longer he stared at her, the more relaxed and amused his face became. Even laughing lightly to himself. Even if he was aggravated, he never stayed that way for long. He never stayed angry or frustrated with her. And she knew those feelings only came from concern and fear. He worried more about her than himself. She was happy he stayed behind, for whatever reason he did. “In 35 years, I have never been alone on this ranch,” she panted, staring at the sky for a moment, watching the bright stars glisten above her, before looking back at his face. “And we're all alone, Rip,” she said, still panting, but glancing at him, as he moved from the fence. His beautiful blue eyes sparkled in the moonlight. The slight smile at the corner of his mouth, caused a tremor to run down her spine. It was an amazing feeling, lying under the stars, staring at the man she’d loved since they were fourteen, no worry of being caught. No concern her father would see and Rip would wander away. She had him all to herself, in the place it started twenty years ago. “We can do whatever we want,” she said, almost amazed at how peaceful and free she felt. She could scream her secrets into the night, and no one would hear but the only man that mattered and wouldn’t judge. She could talk about all the things that pissed off her father, without him slamming his hand on the table and walking away. She could act as childish as she wanted, and neither of her brothers were there to tell her to grow up, stop drinking. She would if she wouldn’t have to keep coming back to save everyone. If she hadn’t been beaten and nearly raped for what her father believed. For land she didn’t want, nor did she intend to keep once her father was gone.

Thinking his Beth wouldn’t do whatever she wanted anyway was laughable. No one had been able to tell her what to do since she was thirteen, probably long before that. Her daddy didn’t even try to rein her in. Rip never tried to control her or tell her what to do. He loved how free she could be. He loved her opinionated mind. He loved that she always said exactly what she felt. There was no guessing with her, especially when she was like this. “Baby, you've been doing whatever you want your whole damn life,” he laughed, walking slowly towards her, careful not to kick up the dust around her. Watching her look out towards the dark field, praying she wouldn’t suddenly take off. He really didn’t have as much energy as she did. He could fuck her all night, but she’d outrun him every damn time. And if something happened to her, John would kill him.

She had been doing whatever she wanted since the day her mother died. She didn’t care what she said, who she hurt. No one’s opinion mattered but hers. Her father didn’t say much about her attitude. He didn’t say much about anything she did. Not that he didn’t love her, she wasn’t like her brothers. She didn’t want to be on the ranch. She didn’t want to ride horses and deal with the day to day chores. She wanted to be anywhere but there. And yet, she was right back where she started, with the man she fell in love with twenty years ago. “But no one can see us,” she said still trying to catch her breath. No, it wasn’t the first time they’d ever been alone anywhere on the property. They went out by themselves a few times a year, staying where no one could find them for a few days. They don’t run around naked, but they did lay naked under the dark sky. It was the most peaceful she ever felt. Hearing nothing but the wind in the trees and animal noises in the distance. No yelling, screaming, no questions; just silence. That’s what she wanted. Just them in the silence and they didn’t have to ride three miles to get it. “We could take off all our clothes, we could go run naked through the field,” she said, still panting and only half joking. She was already out of breath and a little dizzy. And she knew he wouldn’t like chasing her around in the dark after what happened. She was almost shocked when her father told her everyone would be gone for a few days with the cattle. She hadn’t really been alone since the attack. Someone was always with her. Even driving to the office, someone was calling to check on her; mostly they made Monica do it. Knowing she couldn’t be frustrated or angry with the younger woman. Her father barely let her out of his sight without a few concerned looks. Her little brother was barely sleeping, determined to keep an eye on the house and her. Jamie was still sleeping in his old bedroom and checking on her every night. He thought she was sleeping when he’d crack her door and wait for her to take an even breath before leaving, but she heard him every time. Even Rip kept her closer than normal. “No one will know about it,” she tried to finish her thought, as she looked up at him, still amazed he hadn’t gone with everyone else.

He couldn’t help but laugh, honestly laugh. The thought of himself running anywhere naked, was hysterical. He’d lay naked with her under the stars, by the river she loved so much, in the meadow three miles from the farm; but he wasn’t running anywhere. “I'll tell you what,” he said more amused than he’d felt in months, as he kneeled down. Mostly to be closer to her, but it also stopped her from squirming and rolling around on the hard ground. She still complained of pain in her left hip and lower back from the attack. He still couldn’t move like he was used to. His side still felt like he’d been kicked by a horse. He had no idea how she was throwing herself around and not noticing her own pain. He felt it. Every time her side hit the ground, he felt the ache in his chest. All he wanted to do now, was get her inside, to bed. She needed to sleep. He could see the exhaustion in her face, hidden behind the whiskey. “Why don't you run butt-ass naked through that field, and I'll sit here in my jeans and I'll watch you do it, what do you say?” He asked with an amused laugh, watching the shy blush fill her cheeks. She always looked away, but knew she was still watching him. Rip couldn’t help gently brush the dirt from her cheek, the strands of hair back behind her ear. The way she bit her bottom lip and batted her lashes, he knew she wasn’t gonna push him away, yet. It wasn’t that Rip wanted to watch her run around naked in the field, he wouldn’t complain, but that wasn’t his intentions. He wanted her to feel safe to do whatever she wanted. Not have to worry about looking over her shoulder or letting paranoia set in. Not have to worry about another attack at any moment. She still had nightmares. She still had moments, he could see her remembering. Even with the pills she said should help her sleep, even with whiskey coursing through her veins, the memories still flooded back. “Or we can just sit here and stare up at those stars you’re always dreaming about,” he said with a little more seriousness to his voice. He’d grab the blankets from his truck and lay under the night sky with her as long as she wanted. She usually calmed in his arms faster. If she fell asleep, it wasn’t that far to carry her to the cabin. Better than her running around with a bunch of grizzlies and wolves naked.

Beth couldn’t help but smile. She didn’t see it as him watching her, wanting to see her naked, and neither did he, he was protecting her. If he wanted her clothes off, it didn’t take that much effort from him, it wasn’t about what he wanted. He wanted to give her the space to be as wild as she needed to be. Knowing she was comfortable enough to do anything, let her guard down completely, he took it seriously. Letting her rant and play, while keeping an eye on the world around her. But she wanted him to feel the freedom she felt. She wanted him to let down his guard and not worry about protecting her from the world around them. “Is there anything you ever wanted to do, but you didn't do because everybody would watch you or question you and now doing it is in spite of them and it's about something else and the moment you imagined is not the moment that you were living?” She asked through small gasps, rolling to her side and kicking at the dirt. She was in one of those moments. She wasn’t the viper for market equities. She wasn’t the bitch at the end of a cowboy bar. She wasn’t John Duttons daughter. She was just Beth, in her own little world.

When she first started running and screaming, dancing around the ranch; all she saw and felt was the emptiness, the silence for the first time. The freedom she craved. Now, all she saw and felt was Rip. The stress of the ranch was gone. Her brothers hateful words were no longer circling in her head. The attack was forgotten. She was now trapped inside her perfect, protected bubble with the man she loved. Even if she couldn’t say the words out loud yet. “Does that make sense to you?” She asked, out of breath, her mind going a mile a minute. She could see the wheels turning inside his head, trying to figure out what she was talking about. Mostly, he looked at her with amusement, fascination, admiration that made her blush and look away. Even drunk and partially drugged to numb the constant pain in her chest, he still made her feel like a teenager every time he looked at her like that. A calm smile on his face. His eyes lighting up as he laughed. His fingers twitching to touch her. The way he subconsciously licked his lips, as his eyes wandered down her body. She knew she had him when he was the only one to come investigate her howling. She didn’t know he was still there. She thought she was actually alone for the first time. The blush on his cheeks and bulge in his jeans only confirmed she was right.

“Hmm,” was all he could manage for a moment. Her mind, the way it worked, the way she saw the world, always fascinated him. She was so beautifully brilliant, he always wondered, why she kept coming back to him. She could have any man she wanted. Someone that could offer her more. Get her away from the ranch that caused so much pain. He was always glad she came back, but hated she was so miserable. All she had to do, was ask him to go with her, and he would without a second thought. For twenty years, he was still waiting for her to ask. “Honestly, I don't even know what you just said,” he said with a little amusement in his voice. He may not have understood the breathless rant, but he knew exactly what she meant. Some of it made perfect sense, and a lot he read between the lines. She loved the freedom of not caring what everyone else thought or said. She didn’t care if people stared. She didn’t mind rumors. She spoke her mind and didn’t bother with anyone’s feelings. He rarely could bring himself to be vulnerable or let his guard down in public, even with her. He didn’t like attention, he didn’t like being stared at. He definitely didn’t like feeling he needed to fight for her attention. That’s why he never took her anywhere. If he found her in a cowboy bar starting trouble, he’d gladly sit with her, but she’d made it clear many times, she wasn’t his to be jealous over. But he was. And he knew, she was equally as jealous of the attention he received from any woman but her. “You know, there's something I want to do,” he said a little more confidence than he actually felt. She could always push him away. Make him feel like an idiot; she was good at that. She was also good at pulling him right back in.

Beth’s drugged, drunk, exhausted brain couldn’t help be curious. He never acted suspicious. Didn’t really try to surprise her. But the freeing look on his face, piqued her interest. He was always so solid, the rule follower. Didn’t like when the attention was on him for too long. Didn’t like being put on the spot. He could do whatever he wanted now. No one was watching. She wouldn’t judge him. She just wanted to stay in his orbit until the pain in her chest disappeared, until the flashes of the attack stopped. She’d do whatever he wanted, as long as he let her stay. “This sounds interesting,” she said, rolling back to her side and watching his ass as he started towards the gate. She knew he wasn’t gonna leave her out in the arena alone, not after everything that happened the last several weeks. Not after watching the surveillance footage Jamie and her father grabbed from her office, before the police arrived. He saw the assault, heard them taunt her, shoot her assistant in front of her. Threatened to rape her, kill her. He heard her screams when he finally came to her rescue. He saw the fear and panic as the adrenaline pumped through her veins. Her father and Jamie watched as well, Kaycee was the only one that felt it was too invasive. He was right, she did feel violated all over again, when she caught them in her father’s office. She’d woken up alone for the first time since the attack. She went looking for Rip. When she refused to talk to him for hours, let alone look in his direction; he said something that was difficult for her to shake. He felt obligated to carry the pain, the anger, fear, because he loved her. And even if she understood it, that didn’t mean she’d wanted him to watch another man beat her, while he could do nothing. He didn’t deserve to torture himself. He saved her, that was it.

He loved the curious look that ignited in her eyes. He loved the twitch at the corner of her mouth. The way she stretched her back and sighed when it finally popped. Her fingers running lightly down her fabric covered belly, teasing him. “Just, uh, just stay there,” he said, glancing at her to make sure she wouldn’t move, only for her to roll to her side with an amused smile. He ran to the speaker system and flipped on the radio station she loved, along with the overhead lights. He watched her shield her eyes, but giggle and roll to her back. He wanted to dance with her, without everyone watching. He wanted to not worry about her walking off with someone else. He wanted to hold her close without fear of someone trying to cut in. He got her all to himself, no one for miles, for the first time in years.

‘Put your toes down in the water’
‘And a smile across your face’
‘Tell me that you love me, Lovely Lady May’

She couldn’t help the hot blush that rushed up her neck and face. She felt the goosebumps cover her skin as the music filled the silence around them. She felt the violent magnetic pull when he looked at her again. “We're fucking in the dirt, aren't we?” She knew by the intense look in his eyes, fucking her wasn’t his intention. He wanted more than that tonight, and so did she. She wanted to fall asleep in his arms, where she knew nothing and no one could touch her. She wanted to wake up to his beautiful blue eyes staring at her, his strong arm around her. She wanted that every day. If she was brave enough, she knew she could have it, but she wasn’t. She jumped and covered her eyes when the lights flipped on. She’d been outside in the dark so long, the bright lights burned for a few seconds.

Walking back to her, seeing her for the first time under the arena lights, a halo almost glowed around her. Her eyes so soft and wondering. Her body relaxed in the cold dirt. Her hair blowing in her face, and the little frustrated huff she released as she tried to push it back over her shoulder. “Mmm, maybe in a little bit,” he said a little lower, glancing around to make sure they were truly alone. She was right, that had NEVER happened since he lived on the ranch. It was so quiet, besides the music playing around them. He could fuck her in the dirt, but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t risk exposing her to anyone that might wander back to the ranch. And there was always a possibility for another attack. He wouldn’t let her be vulnerable for a while. No more risk taking. He wouldn’t risk losing her. He wouldn’t risk an attack taking a more vile turn. Plenty of people hated the Dutton’s at the moment. If she was still in the mood, he’d take her back to his cabin, where there was at least a few locked doors between her and a threat.

( Song continues)
‘That your hands have ever held &
Darlin, I could love you well’

The sweet, innocent look on her face made his heart swell, beat faster in his chest. Her eyes were bright and a beautiful shade of green under the arena lights. The way she looked up at him, like he was the only person in the world, caused him to smile a little harder. She was the most gorgeous woman he’d ever seen. She was perfect, even if she couldn’t see it. “First we're gonna dance,” he said a little softer, pulling her from the dirt, and watching the gentle blush fill her freckled cheeks. The way she paused, her eyes locked on his for a moment, before looking away with a bashful smile. Sure she was drunk, not as drunk as she could be considering what she’d been through the past several weeks, but the pure emotions were always there. The sweet innocence she hid from everyone else. The playfulness only he got to see. The honest laughs. She didn’t have to say the words for him to know how she felt.

Beth felt her breath catch, as she was pulled to her feet. The violent jolt of electricity shooting through her body, caused her face to flush. For a moment, he didn’t let go of her hand. His thumb running lightly over her still bruised knuckles. His hand grazing her arm. But it was the look on his face, that caused her to stop breathing. Even though she’d seen it a thousand times before, it was the first time after the attack. The first time he didn’t look at her bruises and scars before her eyes. The first time he didn’t look at her with anger and frustration, before remembering she could barely handle her own emotions; she didn’t need to deal with his too. She couldn’t help looking away, as a spark ignited in his ocean blue eyes. She hadn’t seen it since the night on the roof. She loved that he looked at her like that, but the intensity always made her look away. Partly because she felt she didn’t deserve it; mostly because she continued to hurt him over and over. And could never find it in herself to make him a promise and keep it.

‘Lord the wind can leave you shiverin'
‘As it waltzes o'er the leaves It's been rushin' through my timber’
‘Til' your love brought on the spring’

It was a rarity she allowed herself to be led, even with him. Rip had a thousand chances to dance with her over their lifetime, it only happened a handful. She was so guarded. Usually goal oriented. She rarely allowed herself to enjoy being with him. If she knew it was one of his favorite things to do, she’d probably be more willing, but he’d never said the words out loud. He loved feeling her lean into him, her head on his chest, kissing his neck. He loved feeling her fingers in his hair, her nails on the back of his neck. He loved he could keep her still, focused, even if it was only a brief reprieve from the chaos in her head.

The heat pouring off his body, made her tremble. His warm hand on her cool, bare back, caused her to jump; just enough for him to notice, and the corner of his mouth twitch. She couldn’t be annoyed. She was too numb to care, and too drunk to realize the consequences tomorrow. Instead of pulling away like her mind was screaming for her to do, she followed her heart instead. Giggling like she was seventeen again, and wrapping her arm around his neck. Chewing her bottom lip, as he looked at her like there wasn’t anyone else in the world. She couldn’t help the relaxed sigh that left her chest, as his beard brushed her cheek. “You feel so good,” she muttered, raveling in how familiar he felt, smelled. The freedom and peace he invoked within her soul. She didn’t have to fight the world with him. She didn’t have to be strong or even half coherent; she was safe with him. His fingers brushing down her cheek, gently tilting her chin; she didn’t hesitate to part her lips. She loved the pause he always took, grazing her bottom lip with his thumb. Staring into her eyes until she was just slightly uncomfortable, before kissing her with everything he had. He was so soft, and just rough enough for her to know she still held the control. If she pushed him away, he’d leave her alone, but she never pushed him away. Not when the feeling of freedom and pleasure was all she could think about.

‘Now the mountains all are blushin'
‘And they don't know what to say’
'Cept a good long line of praises’
‘For my lovely Lady May’

Her lips parted easy for him. She couldn’t hold the moan that left her chest, as she tasted him for the first time in days. She almost laughed when she tasted the toothpaste he’d been using for the last five years. Knowing he was about to go to bed, but was now wide away, dancing with her in the dirt; caused her heart to swell. He always put her first. No matter the time of day or night, whatever he was doing, he’d drop it to come after her. That’s why she text him the night of the attack. It only took two words and an unanswered phone call for him to race to her aid. Her father and brothers wouldn’t have been able to read through her words. They wouldn’t have made it in time. She knew, Rip would.

( Song continues)
‘I've seen my share of trouble’
‘And I've held my weight in shamed’
‘But I'm baptized in your name’
‘Lovely Lady May &’

Beth couldn’t help the whimper that passed her lips, as he pulled away just enough to take a breath. He knew she couldn’t help how needy and clingy she was, that’s why he only smiled against her lips, before teasing her again. Biting just hard enough to make her groan. Her fingers playing with the dark curls on the back of his neck. The other, dropping his and resting against his hard chest. Feeling his tighten on her waist. She could feel his fingers tracing her ribs through the thin fabric. “Did you mean it?” She whispered against his lips, only pulling away to take a breath. She didn’t know where the question came from. Feeling nothing, but Rips breath against her face and the Montana wind on her back. She couldn’t stop the shiver and goosebumps that ran through her body. Or the shy smile that crossed her lips when he slipped the leather jacket from his body and wrapped it around her shoulders. Always the gentleman, the protector. As rough as he seemed to everyone else, he was so gentle and careful with her. Instead of pulling him into the quiet of his cabin, fucking him like she intended; she let herself be led. Giving him the dance he always wanted, but rarely got. Resting her head on his chest and sighing against his neck.

Rip felt her breathing him in. Felt her cuddling closer. Nuzzling into his neck, kissing the spot behind his ear. Her fingers playing with the curls on the back of his neck. He couldn’t help sighing against her cheek, as all the stress he’d felt moments before, disappeared. All the anxiety and concern that floated around inside his body after the attack, were slowly forgotten. All he could feel, was her body against his. All he could smell, was the remnants of her perfume; erasing the smell of gunpowder and blood. He had to stop himself from gripping her tighter. She still had bruises that weren’t healed. Her ribs still ached if she tried to sleep on her right side. Instead, his fingers ran lightly up her bare back. Feeling her silky skin under his calloused fingers, her tremor when he kissed her shoulder and cheek. “Mean what?” He asked low in her ear, coaxing her a little. Feeling the shaky breath against his neck, as he continued nuzzling her ear. He knew what she was talking about. How could he forget? She had been beaten, bleeding, almost raped, and crying in his arms. He’d been shot twice. He watched the love of his life, smash a man’s skull in. He wouldn’t forget that day, until his last.

‘I came crashin' through the forest’
‘As you cut my roots away’
‘And I fell a good long ways’
‘For my lovely Lady May’

She assumed he didn’t remember. She still had blanks in her memory from that night. She still didn’t know how her father and. Brother got there. She still didn’t know who the EMT was that cleaned and treated the wounds to her face. She couldn’t see his face. He was a blur in her memory. She couldn’t remember the first time Rip grabbed her from the table. She knew he did, it was on the security tape, but it was like watching someone else. She remembered Jason dying in front of her, and something in her mind shutting down. She didn’t feel when the beating started again. She didn’t feel terrified or vulnerable when he forced her legs apart. She felt rage. She felt the need to fight back the only way she could. She didn’t want to die. She wanted to go home when the night was over. She didn’t remember the ride back to the ranch. She remembered the feeling of Rips hand on her knee, his painful breaths when they began moving him to the house. She didn’t remember falling asleep, still in her bloody, torn clothes. If she couldn’t remember large portions of that night, she doubted he could. It was a massive blur. He had lost a lot of blood trying to save her. “Nothing,” she whispered, turning her head just enough to kiss him softly. Her fingers running through his beard, it was one of her favorite feelings. If he didn’t remember, it wouldn’t matter anyway, he said it all the time. In a few days, he’d say it again. She knew he meant it, and always would.

Rip assumed she’d tease back, call him an idiot. When she didn’t, when she dismissed her own question, his chest ached. He remembered that night like it was a tape on replay, but he knew, some things hadn’t come back to her yet. When they watched the tape, alone with Jamie, she pointed out everything she didn’t remember. She knew it happened now, but that was different than feeling it. He didn’t want her assuming his words were imagined or lost in her mind. “I love you,” he whispered against her parted lips. A flame he’d never seen before, ignited in her bright blue eyes. Her entire body relaxed into him. The corner of her mouth twitched, as her fingers ran through his beard again. “I mean it every time I say it,” he whispered, as she looked away.

‘My lovely lady may,’

She knew he loved her. She saw it in his eyes. She felt it every time he held and touched her. It both confused and ignited something in her soul she assumed was dead. How could anyone still love her, after everything she put him through? How could he still core about her, with ever she made him watch her do? She emotionally tortured him for two decades. Jamie was right not to want a child like her. She was surprised every time her father called. She could see the disappointment in his eyes. She could see the concern every time she picked up a drink. She drove him crazy at the dinner table, which is why she wasn’t normally there. She couldn’t control her own emotions. She couldn’t stop the circling thoughts inside her head. She couldn’t figure out which personality disorder she had developed due to the trauma she experienced. Therapist wanted to talk about it. She wanted to be fixed and left alone. “Why?” She asked, as he continued kissing and sucking her bottom lip, moving along her jaw and down her neck. She tried to concentrate on the feeling of his teeth grazing her shoulder, his fingers tracing her ribs through the thin fabric. It was so easy for her to forget her problems when he was touching her, when she smelled the sweat on his skin. When he looked at her like nothing else mattered. But tonight, the thoughts still came like a raging hurricane. She didn’t want to forget. She wanted it to end. She wanted to tell him the truth. If he loved her, he’d stay, right?

Rip couldn’t remember how many times he told her he loved her, how many times he told her why. It usually happened when she was vulnerable, like now. When she was Self conscious, and believing the worst in herself. He’d remind her every day if she’d let him. He’d tell her how much he loved her a thousand times a day, remind her over and over again. One day, he knew she’d believe him. She’d say it back. “Because you’re still the sweetest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met,” he whispered, against her lips, watching a spark ignite in her eyes. No one praised her for nothing. No one told her how proud they were of her. No one showed her a little affection and empathy. “You’re still the smartest person I’ve ever met, with a heart the size of Montana,” he took the chance to continue, when she didn’t look away. It was rare for her to hold his eye contact when he showered her with praise or compliments; she always shied away. She still blushed hard. She tried to pull her bottom lip between her teeth, but his thumb coaxed her to stop. Running along her soft, slightly swollen lip, her breath catching in her throat. “I’ll love you until the day I die,” he said it as a promise, but she knew. He made sure she knew how much he cared for her, thought about her, worried for her on a daily basis. Even if he hadn’t seen her in months, his thoughts and dreams were still filled with Beth.

She knew. She’d always known he would love her forever in some capacity. Just like she would always love him with her entire soul. As much as she tried to change it, numb it, when she saw him look at her like she saved him; she couldn’t help letting herself be pulled back in. “Rip…” she couldn’t cover the way her voice cracked, as she tried to look away, but something stopped her. Something in his gentle touch. The feeling of his breath on her face. His strong, warm hand on her back. Something in the way he looked at her, kept her reeled in. Rooted in place. She wouldn’t be running again. She wouldn’t be ignoring him for years until she was brave again. It was the moment she dreaded and waited for in the same breath.

Every time he said it, she always became overly emotional. Most of the time she was drunk and high when he said it, but she always remembered the next day. The whiskey didn’t stop the harsh blush from rising in her cheeks. It didn’t stop the twitch of the corner of her mouth. Her fingers caressing his cheek. He didn’t stop himself from turning slightly and kissing her palm, her fingertips. Even uncomfortable, makeup gone, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. “You don’t have to say anything,” he always reassured. He didn’t need to hear it. He could see it in the way her eyes lit up every time she looked at him, like now. He’d rather see it on her face for the rest of his life, than her struggle to say the words.

She wanted to say the words out loud to someone other than her father. Since her mother died, she didn’t say it to anyone else. Not her brothers, her nephew, Monica, any temporary partner. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel it with some of her family. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to say it to Kaycee, to Tate. They hadn’t done anything wrong. But she couldn’t make herself say the words. In her defense, her father and Rip were the only ones to ever say it to her. Her baby brother was more like her than she wanted to believe. He reserved his love and affection, being vulnerable, for the ones that truly touched his soul. Like her, he loved with everything he had, and would die for it. She thanked God every day, that he was so much braver than she was. He chose the love he had for Monica and their unborn son, over the ranch and a promise he never made. She envied how strong he was with their father. She still had a difficult time standing toe to toe with the man that raised her. She loved him, would die for him and what he believed. But there was a thin emotional boundary between them. And she still didn’t know who put it there. She still hadn’t been able to tell him the entire truth of her abortion. He didn’t know who the father was. He could guess, but she’d never tell. She never told anyone. “I want to…” she tried, amazed she was feeling so brave. Even drunk, she normally remained guarded. But she was tired of maintaining the steel wall around her. She was exhausted fighting her own heart, keeping secrets, blaming herself for things she didn’t even know if it was her fault anymore. She wanted to scream how much she loved him, how she always had. That she never meant what she said so long ago. she was sorry for all the things she did right in front of him, and behind his back. He claimed to not care, but how could he not? Someone else was touching her, getting all her attention. She always came back to him in the end. No one felt like him, touched her like he did. Made her feel whole for the smallest amount of time. That was probably why he never gave up on her. She always came back eventually. “There are things you don’t know,” she whispered, looking away, despite his efforts to keep her eyes on his. For a long moment, she couldn’t. She had to close her eyes and breathe. She needed to remember why she was putting herself through so much pain and uncomfortableness. Once it was out, he would either still want her or hate her, but at least, she’d finally know. She could finally move on with or without him.

She could burn down the world, and Rip would find every reason it wasn’t her fault. She could do no wrong. Even when she was wrong, somehow, he felt she was still right. He watched her fuck ranch hands right in front of him. He watched her bring home man after man, saying nothing, because he knew she’d come running back. He saw it in her eyes even when she was sitting right next to them. She said the most awful things to his face, but they always hurt her more than him. He could see how hard it was to keep pushing him away. The wall around her was slowly beginning to crumble. All he had to do was wait. Now, he had her. This time, he wasn’t gonna let her run away. They would either figure it out, or finish it for the last time. He hoped she didn’t choose the latter. He prayed she could fight through the uncomfortableness, the anxiety, whatever shame she felt. Whatever it was that was hurting her so badly, they could fix it. “It’s not gonna matter,” he whispered against her temple. As long as she still loved him and wanted to stay, he didn’t care what she did. She could kill half of Montana and he wouldn’t blink. “You matter, that’s it,” he said a little firmer in her ear, as he heard the first sniffles begin. As long as he got to hold her in the morning, nothing else mattered.

Beth knew he didn’t care about anything else. He hadn’t care about anything but her and the ranch for twenty years. All his attention and time went to her, when she bothered to come home. He was the first person she normally sought out after every seven hour car ride. The only person she craved to talk to, to see. She missed his smell, the feel of his skin beneath her fingers. “Do you want children?” She asked so quietly, she wasn’t sure she said the words at all, but by the look on his face, he had. He looked confused, concerned. It wasn’t a topic they ever talked about. She purposefully never brought it up, hoping to ignore the subject until she died. She really didn’t want to know. If he said yes, it would destroy them. If he said no, she would always wonder if he was lying to spare her feelings. Neither of them could win with her asking. But she did. And she couldn’t stop her hands from shaking.

Rip could see how difficult it was for her to ask the question out loud. He felt the harsh breath against his face. She refused to look up, as he felt her hand trembling against his chest. He nuzzled and kissed her cheek, more heartbroken when he felt the wetness on her flushed skin. “I feel like whatever answer I give will be wrong,” he whispered, feeling her almost laugh as she turned away. Trying to hide the tears, the pain she felt. Would he have children with her, absolutely, if that’s what she wanted. They could adopt a dozen kids if she wanted them so badly. If she wanted to mother. There was nothing stopping them. “I never thought about it,” he whispered, low in her ear. Catching her chin as she tried to bury her face in his neck. Kissing her sweetly, and thanking God when she responded as eagerly as before. He honestly had never thought about having children with her, or anyone else. He didn’t care for constant, repetitive noises. He didn’t like when kids cried, it reminded him too much of what would happened when his baby brother would cry. He didn’t even like dogs, why would he think he’d be good with a baby?

Beth just wanted honesty. Besides her father, everyone either hid things from her or lied to her face; usually out of fear of her reaction. Her dad had no problem telling her like it was. She was emotionally stronger than her brothers. She had a freedom to her that everyone seemed to envy. She didn’t care whose feelings she hurt. If Rip honestly hadn’t thought about having kids, then she could relax a little. But how did she know he was telling the truth. She didn’t know how men thought when it came to children, she assumed it was something everyone thought about at some point. She assumed he would want to pass on his name. “You might want to,” she mumbled, feeling the water rushing against the thin dam wall inside her chest. The nails slowly popping free, boards slowly shifting as more emotional pain began to seep through. More memories she buried coming to the surface all at once. “You can’t have them with me,” she whispered, as a few stray tears fell. Her eyes didn’t leave his, as she felt his fingers caress her cheek. He didn’t look at her any differently. His body didn’t tense. He didn’t sigh in disappointment. He looked at her like she was the most precious thing he ever touched.

He could see the pain and terror in her body, her eyes. He could feel the tension in her back and shoulders. He could see her pulse pounding in her neck. The stress lines between her eyes. He couldn’t help kissing her forehead, the bridge of nose that was still marked with a light bruise. “Baby, it’s never crossed my mind,” he reassured, brushing the fallen strands of hair behind her ear, as she looked away. A flash of guilt and shame appeared on her face. She tried pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, until his thumb ran gently alone her chin. He didn’t like when she hurt herself. She wasn’t doing it out of nervousness. She was trying to cause physical pain and discomfort to redirect her brain. He hoped if she just said the words out loud, it would all disappear. “I don’t need it; I need you,” he said, kissing her wet cheek, her temple. He didn’t need a baby to feel whole with her. He didn’t feel the need to pass on any genes he had. The influence he would have on any child, frightened him. He wasn’t a gentle man. He wasn’t kind. He wasn’t understanding. He was with her. That was the extent of his patience. “Is this why you keep running away?” He didn’t need the answer, he knew it was. She was so afraid he would hate her for not being able to give him a child, she ran. If he would have known ten, twenty years ago; he would have told her he didn’t want them. That whatever she wanted, was okay with him. He would give her anything she desired. It wasn’t about him. It was about erasing the pain that was caused so long ago.

Beth had to swallow hard, licking her dry lips, as she looked anywhere but him. His fingers caressed her cheek, trying to coax her, but she couldn’t find her insides trembling. The thoughts of him screaming at her in hatred. Walking away and never coming back. Telling her he didn’t love her anymore. All circling around inside her head, causing her chest to ache. The closer she got to revealing her secrets, the more she hated herself. The more she wanted to run and hide. But she held his hand tighter. She let him tilt her chin, until her eyes locked with his again. It was the only time she ever had a difficult time holding eye contact with anyone. She could stand face to face with her father’s worst enemies. She took a beating and threats of sexual assault, and still never blinked. But with Rip, it was as if he was reading her soul. His eyes were too kind, too understanding and nonjudgmental. “Partly…” she exhaled, her jaw clenched so hard, it began to ache. But his fingers moved so gently across her skin, slowly coaxing her muscles to relax. For her to truly trust him. As her eyes started to shift again, his lips covered hers. Moving carefully and softly. It was amazing how her thoughts could cease for just a moment. Allowing her to feel and be. “Something happened…” she mumbled against his lips, her steel walls beginning to shake. The dam inside her chest losing board after board. Her belly violently churned with guilt and disgust.

Somehow Rip knew. He at least knew a part of what she was hiding. It was about the scar on her belly. And by her reaction, she wasn’t ready. He would love to talk as long as she wanted, when she was sober. When she hadn’t drank half a bottle of whiskey and taken a handful of pills. When she wasn’t feeling lonely and vulnerable. He wanted her to want to tell him, and she obviously didn’t. Her chin was trembling, she was shaking, the grip she had on his fingers was as if she were terrified he would slip away. “I don’t know if we should keep talking about this,” he said, seeing how upset, how much pain she was putting herself through. It wasn’t worth it. Whatever secret she had, she could keep it. It was obviously something that wasn’t hurting him. He hadn’t noticed she’d done anything, killed anyone. If she was feeling guilty about fucking other guys in front of him, he told her a thousand times it didn’t matter. It really didn’t. She wasn’t hurting HIM by letting some random guy use her body. She was hurting herself. He wasn’t jealous, he was worried and concerned. If she was sorry for the attack, it wasn’t needed. She apologized every night he slept in her bed. For three weeks, all he heard was how sorry she was for him being in so much pain. For putting him in the position to get shot. For having to protect her. He reassured her over and over again, he’d do it every time. He’d take every bullet, beating they had to dish out. He’d stand between her and the world, for as long as she’d let him. Even now, wanting to put a wedge between her and her tortuous thoughts. “You’re gonna regret it in the morning,” he said a little softer, burying his nose in her hair, as she rested her head against his chest. Not hiding, feeling. Breathing him in. Her fingers running through the curls on the back of his neck, along his ear. He didn’t want her rolling over in the morning, and feel embarrassed. Feel the need to run and hide.

Beth would love to be able to sit down with him like a mature adult woman should. She wanted to have an actual conversation. Not him feeling the need to take care of her, despite her confessions. He wouldn’t leave, right away, no matter what she said. He wouldn’t turn her away. It would be a slow disconnection. She would feel every thread of her heart being torn apart. And she wasn’t as strong as everyone thought. She would die if he eventually left. He was the only bright thought, memory, person; in her entire day. She couldn’t do it without him. She wanted to be able to, but she needed him more than she needed anyone, ever. She could barely breathe when they were apart. But she couldn’t keep her secrets anymore, not when they were killing her. Not when her father already knew the truth. If she could tell her daddy, mostly sober, she could tell Rip drunk. “I’ll never be able to tell you sober,” she confessed, knowing the moment the alcohol and pills were out of her system, the walls would rebuild and she’d push the secrets back into the pit she had to keep filling with dirt.

Just because he told her everything, didn’t mean she had to make herself suffer to do the same. He remembered how difficult it was to confide in her about his past, what he’d done, what was done to him. He never looked at her face when he talked about his mother and brother’s murders. When he talked about his step father, it brought a bright rage to his body that only her calm, soft touch could settle. He never looked at her on the roof while telling what he did with his step father’s bones, it wasn’t something he was proud of. It didn’t even really make him feel any better. In some way, he just hoped the bastard couldn’t rest easy. He understood the uncomfortableness. He understood the hesitation and fear of being left standing alone. He would never leave her, but that wouldn’t stop the thoughts from circling in her head. “You don’t have to tell me at all,” he tried, nuzzling her warm cheek. He knew her. He could read her like he read his horse. She was so familiar. He didn’t need the confessions that terrified her, in order to know she was finally his. He just wanted her to feel at peace. He wanted her to stop thinking about the past and enjoy the present.

Beth turned her head just enough to catch his lips again. He responded just as eagerly as always, like a man drowning. “Yeah I do,” she muttered against his parted lips. Letting him kiss her again, taking his time. She knew he was trying to make her forget. Trying to make her feel nothing but the pure love he had for her. She felt it as if it were a tsunami washing over her. It made her heart skip, goosebumps to cover her skin. But would he still feel the same when he knew what she’d done? Somehow, she hoped he took the information like her father did, quietly, compassionately. Not looking at her any differently than the day before. Her father did, but it was out of pride for finally trusting him with something that caused her so much pain. It was because she didn’t say it in rage or hatred when she said the words. She cried. Not like she did with Rip when they were alone. But it had been at least fifteen years since her father saw her cry, had the opportunity to comfort her. “It’s not fair for you to love me and not know what I did,” she muttered, as kissed the corner of her mouth, her cheek. Touching her arm so softly, she barely felt it.

He couldn’t help kissing her again. It wasn’t to keep her quiet, or stop her from telling whatever was hurting her so badly. It was to remind her, she wasn’t alone. To calm to racing thoughts. To settle her pounding heart. “Don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t wanna do,” he said low in her ear, as she cried, like he’d never heard before. He never forced her to talk about anything. Never tried to coerce her to do anything if she was even slightly uncomfortable. He let her lead. He allowed her body and face to tell him what she wanted and needed. How much stress she could take. How much emotional discomfort she was willing to put herself through. But it felt like too much this time. It felt like she was torturing herself. “Life isn’t fair,” he whispered, as the cries started to soften, but he felt it was only temporary. More truths were coming. More hurt she experienced, that he never knew about. “If you need a few secrets, I can live with that,” he reassured, he didn’t need to know every little thing she ever said or did. He didn’t need to know everything that happened, if it was too painful for her to say the words.

If it was just her secret, maybe she wouldn’t have felt the need to tell him. If it only effected her life and feelings, she wouldn’t need to out herself through the worry of him leaving. But it wasn’t just her secret to keep. She felt she had no right keeping it from him. It had been twenty years. He deserved to know. If he wanted to love her, sleep next to her, he needed to know what she’d done behind his back. “It’s not just mine,” she said a little softer, sighing through a fresh round of tears, as she felt his lips on her forehead.

It wasn’t that Rip didn’t want her to tell every secret, he did. He wanted to hear anything and everything she said. She could talk about the clouds in the sky for hours and he’d never get bored. But he could feel the air shifting around them. He could feel her body tense and relax over and over again. Like her brain couldn’t decide if she was safe or not. “Beth…”

“We made a baby…” she whispered, holding his soft blue eyes, waiting and watching for the storm to appear. Feeling her stomach ache, as the memories of her lying to his face, still haunted her. She didn’t feel the weight lift off her shoulders, off her mind, as the words finally tumbled out. But she felt a different one sitting heavy on her chest. She was still terrified. She could stop her entire body from trembling, as his arm tightened on her back. His hand caressing her cheek. It would have been easier if he walked away. She was ready for fighting. She wasn’t prepared for empathy, compassion. She wasn’t ready for his understanding. She wasn’t prepared for him to still look at her like he could never love anyone else. “I killed it…” she whimpered, losing his eye contact, as the dam inside her chest finally burst. The tears she’d been holding back, falling with a vengeance. She couldn’t help burying her face in his neck. Clinging to him, like she wished she had twenty years ago. Feeling his strong arms pulling her closer, holding her unbelievably tighter. His lips on her shoulder, trying to soothe her. She could hear his calm, loving words in her ear, but for a long moment, all she could do was cry.

Whatever Rip thought she was gonna say, it didn’t come close to what came out of her mouth. He’d seen the scar. He had a pretty good idea what it was, but never thought it was his. He never thought he’d keep something that big, that life changing, from him. He assumed it happened when she went away to college the first time. It was obviously traumatic, by the way she reacted every time he touched it. He could barely see it now, but she still squirmed away, now he knew why.

Rip didn’t know how he was supposed to feel, but it wasn’t anything she assumed he would. He could feel the terror radiating off her body. The nearly uncontrollable sobs and tremors. The sweat on her cold back. If he was supposed to be angry, he couldn’t. How could he be when her agony was ripping him apart. What right did he have to put that on her? He wasn’t disappointed. He literally had NEVER thought about having children with anyone, not even her. He wrongly assumed she didn’t want them. He never even saw her talk to Tate, let alone want to take care of her own kid. He should have asked. Wasn’t it his job to make sure she had everything she wanted? To make sure she was happy? “Shhhh, sweetheart,” he whispered, low in her ear. Kissing her cheek when she hid her face in his neck. If she needed to grieve, he’d let her cry and scream all night. But he didn’t want her torturing herself, thinking he was gonna leave. He would never leave. He would never hate her. Whatever she feared or thought, he knew would never happen. It would just take a while to convince her, she was stuck with him forever.

Her fingers tightened around his shoulders, as he felt her legs try to buckle. She tried to push herself away. She tried to take a breath and gain control over her body again, but he knew she couldn’t. He felt the tension building in her shoulders and back. The air around them had turned thick. For Rip, the music had disappeared, and all he heard was her panicked breathing, the first tears, against his neck. “Sit with me,” he muttered, lowering them back to the dirt. Bracing her back with his knee, as she settled between his legs. She immediately turned her face back into his chest, sobbing like he’d never heard before. It was as if her soul had been shattered. “It’s gonna be okay,” he whispered, taking her shaking hand and kissing every knuckles, as she clutched his fingers. His other hand massaging the tense muscles in her neck and shoulder. He didn’t know if it would be okay. It felt like she never got to grieve for what she lost. After the attack, she didn’t act like that. She was traumatized, had nightmares, cried, but nothing like she was doing now. It sounded like she was being torn apart from the inside. That something was taken from her. It didn’t feel that she purposefully killed anything. Her cries were no longer in fear, but something else. It didn’t feel right. “What happened?” He felt he didn’t have any right to ask, to force her to remember. He didn’t want to know for the baby he had no idea they created. He wanted to know who hurt her. He wanted to know who took her somewhere and had them cut open a fourteen year old child. Someone betrayed her. He could feel it. And he wanted them dead for it.

Beth had half a second of wishing she hadn’t wandered down from the house. She should have just taken the rest of her pills and hope everyone could forgive her eventually. She didn’t want to die. She wanted the pain to stop. She wanted the memories and circling thoughts to stop. She wanted to feel normal. She wanted to not be terrified the man she loved would leave her any moment. She wanted to be the daughter her father expected. She wanted to be with Rip. The thoughts settled for a moment, as he whispered in her ear. Kissed her cheek and neck. Grabbed her hand and kissed the knuckles as she refused to let him go.

Even drunk and on more pills than she probably should have taken, it was still unbearable saying the words out loud. She felt her chest was being ripped apart. Her lower belly burned with familiar phantom pains. Her mind flashing back to the first isolating moment of her life. The instant her entire personality, outlook on the world and people, the relationship she had with not only her family, but Rip, changed forever. “The test was positive…” she sobbed, trying to pull her hand away to cover her face, but he held it against his chest. Kissing her forehead, and holding her a little tighter, as she tried to catch her breath. She couldn’t stop the flashes of that day from appearing in her mind. She couldn’t stop the groan that left her chest, as she remembered the look on her brother’s face when she held up the pregnancy test. He looked just as terrified as she felt. He lied to their father, said he was taking her to town to shop. Their dad didn’t blink an eye. Jamie was always running her all over town when he was home, sometimes voluntarily, other times their dad forced him. It wasn’t that suspicious. But they didn’t go to town like she thought they would. “J…Jamie took me to the clinic on the reservation,” she choked out, biting her lip, hard, as she felt him tense against her. She didn’t know what happened when Jamie went into the clinic alone. He never told her what they said to him. She didn’t find out it was a common practice until her first gynecologist appointment in college. She did confront her brother after. She screamed and hit him over and over. The look on his face made sense, when she suddenly saw it again. They told him exactly what they were gonna do to her, and he lied to her face. He felt bad about it, but he still lied. He knew they were gonna take everything from her, her future. He still hadn’t given her a reason why. Why he lied? They could have went to her father. He would have handled it better. He would have made sure she was okay. She knew that now, she was terrified of him back then. They could have asked Lee what to do. He was much older than both of them. He loved them. He would have made sure she got the RIGHT medical attention. He would have made sure she was safe and able to have children in the future. What Jamie did, was cruel, in her mind. He had too many options, and chose what was easiest for him. “I…I didn’t know,” she whimpered, having to swallow hard as she felt his heart hammering under her cheek. She felt his arm tighten around her back. He was trying not to tense. He was trying so hard not to show his frustration and helplessness. But she couldn’t feel it. Obviously, it wasn’t with her or he wouldn’t be holding her, comforting her. He still loved her. That was the only thought that allowed her to continue. Allowed her to remember and not worry he would scream at her. She was hurting enough, it would kill her if he pushed her away at this point.

“I didn’t know what they were gonna do,” she mumbled through the tears. The nurses were nice. Even the female doctor was kind to her, reassuring her it happened all the time; that she would be fine when she woke up. No one explained they were putting her under to cut open her belly, leaving her with life long nerve complications from the terrible job they did. No one told her they were taking her child and ripping out her womb, so she could never have another one. No one bothered to explain she’d never have her period again, but she’d have phantom cramps and pain for the next twenty years. “Jamie said it was okay,” she mumbled, no longer standing in the arena, but staring at her brother’s face, as he opened the truck door, helped her down. Rubbed her back as she paused at the front door. She never thought he did it on purpose, she still didn’t. How the hell was he supposed to make a decision like that for his little sister? How was he to know the consequences, when he barely knew anything about the world. She was still angry with him, but didn’t BLAME him. “No one talked to me,” she whimpered, as the memories of her waking up, Jamie sitting next to her, holding her hand, still looking terrified. She didn’t jerk away, because of the slow moving pain and tightness in her belly. She squeezed his hand harder, as she trembled from the anesthesia wearing off. She didn’t know what it meant when she reached under the thin clinic sheet, and felt the bandage covering her belly. She didn’t know why she felt so empty and wanted to vomit. Why none of the nurses would look her in the eye. Now she knew why. “He lied…that’s why…” she sobbed again. That’s what hurt the most, the lie. Why did her brother feel the need to keep what was about to happen from her? Why would he think it was okay? Did they even fully explain it to him? Did they tell him what it meant? Unfortunately, she knew she would never have the answers to those questions. She couldn’t believe anything her brother said, and the clinic had been shut down for over a decade.

Rip didn’t think he could feel worse, hate himself more, but he did. Knowing she went through it all alone, broke what was left of his soul. She was in pain and cried alone. She was confused and had no one to turn to, no one to comfort her. No one to help her understand what they’d done to her. That none of it was her fault. She couldn’t trust anyone, and now he understood why. “Oh, my sweet girl…” he whispered against her temple. Kissing every inch of bare skin he could reach, as she cried. Pulling her tighter against his chest, as she pulled her knees closer to her body. He quickly slipped his jacket from his arms and draped it around her, running his hand up her bare calf and thigh. She needed the skin to skin contact when she was upset, she always had. But he wanted to make sure she was covered first. “You’re okay,” he muttered into her overheated skin. Nuzzling her neck. She obviously wasn’t okay. She hadn’t been okay for a long time. Even finally telling him, probably wouldn’t make what happened ever be okay. And he didn’t know what to do to make her feel it was. That it didn’t affect how he felt about her. That he wouldn’t hold it against her later. Everyone else used her past against her. Everyone used her for something, except Rip. All he wanted, was her presence. He wanted to hear her laugh. See her smile for no reason. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he tried to reassure, as her fingers tightened in his shirt. How she could think any of what happened was her fault, was unbelievable to him. She was a kid. She didn’t know what she was doing or what was being done to her. Why anyone thought they had the right to do whatever they wanted to her body, enraged him. He wanted to tear their throats out. He wanted them held accountable for every other girl they abused. Beth couldn’t have been the only one. “Nothings changed,” he whispered, kissing her ear, trying to brush the hair from her face, only for her to turn further into his neck. Not ready to see him and feel so vulnerable. He was content to hold her and not be pushed away. She didn’t have to tell him anything. She didn’t have to say another word. He just didn’t want her to move, run away.

Beth knew nothing had changed between them, she could feel it. But it changed what she could give him. It changed that he knew the scar was his. His baby that she killed. His future she threw away. That’s how she felt. It didn’t matter to her how old she was, that she didn’t know what was gonna happen. She should have told them no. She should have made them talk to her. She should have asked Jamie what was wrong. She should have gone to Rip back then and told him the truth. They could have gotten the abortion at the planned parenthood in town. She should have gone to her father. She knew now he wouldn’t have killed Rip, he wouldn’t have disowned her. He could have helped her. He could have made sure everything was done right. “We can’t have it now,” she whimpered, trying to focus on his warm hand on her thigh, instead of the pain in her belly. But she wanted it. She hadn’t before. She could ignore the feeling with everyone else. But she wanted his baby. “I ruined everything,” she tried not to sob again, her chest ached, her throat burned. Her head was starting to throb. But she felt so broken. She wanted the positive test now. She wanted to feel his baby move inside her. She wanted to hear their heart beat for the first time. She wanted Rip to experience hearing their child’s first cries, hold them. It hurt more knowing how amazing of a father he would have been. Knowing they would have always been protected and cared for. He would have worshipped their child.

Rip felt what she really meant. Yes, she wanted it for him. For the childhood he never had. For all the experiences he was never given. But she wasn’t hurting and grieving that badly for him. She was devastated for yourself. She wanted it. She wanted to be a mother. Those thoughts broke him. He was glad she refused to look up or move away from his neck, as a few stray tears fell. He couldn’t give her what she wanted, and there was nothing he could do to change that. He had never been in that position. He could always give her whatever she asked for. But to him, she never really asked for much. She wasn’t a needy woman. She didn’t whine. She didn’t complain. She bitched, as did he. She was easy to be with, despite what her father and everyone else thought. She wanted to feel heard, seen as more than a pawn in a promise she never made. She wanted to feel unconditional love for the first time. She wanted understanding and patience. He could give her that, he always had. But he couldn’t give her what was already taken. “You haven’t ruined anything,” he whispered, wishing he hadn’t turned the arena lights on. He knew they were now hurting her eyes. Making her feel more exposed. “I just wish you hadn’t had to carry this alone for so long,” he said, stronger than he felt. He knew she was hurting for decades. He assumed it was over her mothers death, her inability to get along with Jamie, her fathers lack of compassion and empathy. He never once thought, it was because he got her pregnant and the adults in their lives made awful decisions for her. He wished she’d told him the second she knew. He wished he’d had the chance to be by her side, in whatever decision she made. He wished he could have comforted her, held her, kissed the pain away. They were robbed of helping each other, grieving together. That wasn’t either of their fault. It wasn’t even a decision that they made. “You have to stop punishing yourself, sweetheart,” he mumbled against her ear, feeling her shake her head against his neck. She couldn’t stop hating herself. He didn’t see her any differently than he had twenty minutes ago. She was still his sweet, innocent, stubborn, beautiful cowgirl. He thought she was stronger now. Tougher. He had no idea how she carried the trauma for so long alone, when the thought of her being cut open, made every breath he took unbearable. But she couldn’t continue torturing herself. She couldn’t continue drinking herself into unconsciousness. She couldn’t keep taking pills that obviously weren’t helping her cope. She needed to let him carry it for a while. “It’s out now; let it go,” he muttered in her ear, feeling her start to squirm.

Beth was waiting for the storm to erupt inside him. She was waiting for the information to finally sink into her brain. For him to realize, she killed their only chance for a child. She threw away a part of them, they could never get back. Whether it was intentional or not, she did it. She could only blame herself. She could have told Jamie to stop any time. She could have told the nurses no. She could have ran out of the clinic. She didn’t do anything. She let fear of the unknown, dictate a decision that affected the rest of her life. “Why aren’t you upset? Why don’t you hate me?” She asked, as her voice broke again. She expected some form of aggravation or anger. Even if he wasn’t upset about the baby, she lied for twenty years. She didn’t even give him the opportunity to grieve. “I can’t even stand myself,” she said out loud for the first time. She felt his breath catch against her neck. Felt his short nails dig into her back, before she felt him pulling away. She fought him for half a second, terrified it was the moment he would walk away. Only to have him shushing her, kissing her cheek; catching her chin as she tried to turn further into his chest. Nuzzling her nose as her eyes fluttered closed. She didn’t want to see the betrayal on his face. Until he was whispering how much he loved her, against her lips. “I don’t know how you still can,” she whimpered, her eyes fluttering open, but she still tried to turn away. Almost whinnying when he refused to let her go. When she stayed completely silent, until she looked up.

Somehow, he loved her more. Her heart hadn’t changed. Her personality and love for him hadn’t changed. She was the exact same woman she was ten minutes ago. She hadn’t taken anything he needed. She hadn’t killed anything. She hadn’t destroyed their future. Someone else tried to do that. He refused to let that happen. He refused to let her slip away again. Just like he refused to let go of her chin, even when she whimpered and tried to pull away. He wouldn’t let her hide now, there was no need. “Because you’re still the sweetest, most compassionate, beautiful girl in the world,” he whispered, kissing her softly, feeling her barely respond, but she still responded and that’s all that mattered to him. He could feel the confusion. The anticipation for something else to happen. He didn’t know if Jamie blamed HER for what happened. He didn’t know how the nurses and doctors treated her. If she was told by someone it was her fault. That it wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t done whatever she’d done. But how could a child be blamed for decisions made for her by adults. “You were fourteen; Jamie was twenty three, and knew better, so did the clinic staff. You did nothing wrong,” he said softly, only releasing her chin, when he was sure she wouldn’t look away. Caressing her cheek, wiping away the tears that continued to fall. He always hated Jamie. He was too needy, too whiny. Looking for validation without actually doing the job correctly or how John asked. He treated his sister like shit. He poked at her. Judged her drug and alcohol use, like he’d never done anything wrong. Now he knew, he killed their child. He took away her ability to have another if she wanted. He tricked her, betrayed her trust. And by her reaction, he also blamed her for it. If it was the last thing he ever did, he would torture the Dutton boy. He would find out exactly what he did to her that day. He wanted to see the fear in his eyes, when he realized he was gonna die. In the meantime, all his efforts were to make sure SHE healed. That she knew, he felt it. He was hurting with her. He would stand by her as she figured out how to accept what happened. “Whatever catastrophic scenario you thought up in your head, it’s not gonna happen, baby,” he reassured, running his fingers from her temples, down her jaw and neck. Wishing he could hear the thoughts inside her head. Wishing he could erase all the demons haunting her and filling her brain with things that would never happen. Wishing there was something he could do or say to make her believe him. “I’m not going anywhere, and you aren’t to blame for what happened,” he whispered, feeling her shiver against him. The adrenaline slowly leaving her exhausted body. The sweat on her skin quickly cooling, “You can’t push me away this time,” he mumbled against her lips, pausing for only a second, to let her lead. She felt unsure kissing him. Nervous. Confused. She wasn’t the confident woman that took everything she wanted. She was scared. And it made him hate Jamie even more. Made him hate how ignorant he had been, when he said he believed her. He knew the test wasn’t negative. He knew something was wrong that day. And he said nothing.

Beth was done pushing him away. She was done running, hiding, burying her secrets. She hated, she made him feel he had to say it. That she’d ran so often, she’d caused him to develop his own fears. “Then why does it feel wrong?” She muttered, the emotion building in her chest all over again. She felt empty. She felt numb. She felt like she didn’t deserve the empathy and compassion Rip and her father offered. It all felt wrong. “How am I not to blame?” She nearly begged, searching his eyes for the hatred she always imagined she’d see. It wasn’t there, and deep down, she knew it never would be. But how could he not blame her a little bit? She was the only one that could have done something to make it stop. To save herself, their baby. She was the one responsible. She made all the wrong decisions. “I trusted the one person I should have known not to trust,” she almost said in disgust, but it came out as a half sob. How could she have been so naive? How could see not see it, feel something was wrong? How could she trust him so much? She should have went to her dad. She now knew she could have. He would have been gentle and kind. He would have taken care of her. “I told my father before I told you,” she confessed, even though he probably assumed she would trust her father before him. That she would tell her daddy first. It wasn’t that she trusted him more than Rip, her father couldn’t leave her. He had no loss or gain in what happened to her that day. He would love her no matter what. That’s why when he was begging her to let him in, let him finally help her, she did. She didn’t feel any better. Even when her father held her a little longer than normal, told her it wasn’t her fault, how sorry he was; she felt the same. “It feels so wrong, it’s killing me,” she whimpered, feeling as if a piece of her soul had been stolen that day. She felt her heart shattering all over again, every time she was with Rip and the thought crossed her mind. When she watched him with Tate a few days after the attack. She saw what she couldn’t give him. She saw a side of him she never thought she’d see. It broke her, knowing he would never have that experience if he stayed with her, and he deserved to be a father.

Rip didn’t care if she had to tell the entire world before she told him. Of course she went to her dad first. He was the first man to protect her, that would always protect her. That was his baby girl, his blood. He had every right to know first. And like Rip, he doubted John blamed her either. How can anything done against a child’s consent, be her fault? “Because a piece of you was taken without your consent; that’s why it hurts so much. That’s why it feels wrong,” he whispered against her cooling cheek. He hated that all he could do was deal with the consequences and aftermath of what was done to her. All he could do was tell her it was gonna be okay, that she was still loved. He didn’t know how to heal her heart. He didn’t know if he could. “You lost control over the one thing you should have had control over,” he reassured, as whimpers left her chest. His hand caressing her bare thigh and hip. Holding her tighter than he intended, but all he could picture when he closed his eyes, was the love of life being torn apart and thrown away. What right did anyone have, to take her child, to sterilize a fourteen year old? Why didn’t anyone call John when they realized who she was? Why didn’t anyone refuse to touch her? “They treated you worse than cattle, and weren’t held responsible for it,” he said quietly, hiding the disgust and hatred he felt to his core. She clutched the hand making random patterns along her hip. He thought she was gonna push him away. Hold his hand in place or ask him to stop. Even she got over sensitive from time to time. Not wanting to be touched. Not wanting to feel someone else’s touch on her skin. He understood why now. “You have to forgive yourself, let yourself breathe,” he wanted to beg, but whispered instead, feeling his hand being pulled over her bare belly. He felt the heavy sigh against his neck, as she relaxed against his chest. His fingers moved gently over the scar she never let him touch. “Did you even know what you were asking for?” He asked softly, feeling her head shake against his shoulder. He knew she didn’t. How could she know? They barely understood how pregnancy worked back then, let alone how to make her not pregnant. He doubted she knew it was even possible, until Jamie took her to the clinic.

“I asked for help,” she whimpered, feeling his fingers moved gently over the skin she never let anyone touch. When he tried in the past, she moved away. Pulled him closer, so he’d forget. For the first time in years, she didn’t feel the uncomfortableness. She didn’t feel the phantom pain in her pelvis and back. She didn’t feel anxiety and panic fill her chest. His hand was warm and comforting. His fingers caused goosebumps to develop across her sensitive skin. She let him move freely for the first time since she was fourteen. “I didn’t…” she tried, but couldn’t find the words. She had no idea what she needed when she told Jamie. She didn’t even know he knew what to do. He probably didn’t, that’s why she ended up being sterilized. Deep down, she knew that’s not what he wanted, but she still wished he’d told her. She would have said no, and dealt with her father. “No one asked me what I wanted,” she whispered, running her fingers up his arm, kissing his cheek, as he nuzzled her neck.

Rip took a moment to breathe her in. Kissing her neck, behind her ear. “What did you want?” He asked softly, moving away enough to let her look up or not. Not tilting her chin or coaxing, he wanted her to want to see him. He wanted to see what she had wanted back then. He could feel it. He could see it in her body, the way she allowed him to caress her belly. But he wanted to give her the opportunity to finally say it. “No matter what the answer is, it doesn’t change anything,” he reassured, watching her lift, but look off into the darkness. He could see the wheels and gears furiously turning. Flashes of confusion, frustration, rage, and grief appeared in her eyes. A few stray tears falling. “Did you want to keep it?” He asked, swallowing hard, as a painful whimper broke through her chest.

“I…,” she tried, but had to take a few deep breaths to calm the ache in her chest. No one had ever asked her that. No one asked her if she wanted resources for parenting classes or counseling. She wasn’t told she could get more assistance at the planned parenthood in town. She wasn’t advised to call her father, even though they knew who he was. “I don’t…I don’t know,” she whimpered, but she did, and for a moment, she was still terrified to say the words out loud. She bit her lip hard. Her fingers ran slowly, mindlessly up and down his arm. She tried to force herself to look at the man, that fathered the only child she’d ever have. She probably wouldn’t have been able to, if she hadn’t felt Rips hand slowly lift from her belly. Her own hand covered his again, with a slight anxious whimper, before she looked at his face. Something in his eyes, in the softness of his face, his gentle smile; the rest of the dam was finally washed away. “I didn’t want a hysterectomy,” she muttered, but everyone knew that. Her father had to hear it over and over again for an hour. Jamie heard it a thousand times over the years. It wasn’t what Rip was waiting to hear. “I didn’t want them to take my baby,” she exhaled, a few more tears falling. Would she have really decided to keep the pregnancy; she didn’t know. She knew she couldn’t have it now, and wished she’d taken advantage back then. Realistically, they couldn’t have done it back then. They couldn’t have raised a child, and still become the people they were supposed to be. Her father would have ended up raising it, especially when she went off to college. She doubted it would have been negotiable. He planned for them all to go no matter what. But it wouldn’t have been her child. If she wasn’t raising it, taking care of it, the one nurturing it; she wasn’t the parent. At best, Rip would have been more involved in their child’s life. She honestly didn’t know what she really wanted. And couldn’t help looking at Rip, like she was ready to give up. Looking for an answer he didn’t have either. She couldn’t talk about it anymore. She couldn’t think about the what ifs and decisions she should have made. She needed him to make the demons stop.

Rip felt like he’d been shot all over again. He couldn’t help kissing her cheek, the corner of her mouth. Her hand covering his in her belly, finally lifted. “Come here, sweetheart,” he whispered against her shoulder, as his arm carefully slipped under her knees and lifted her into his lap. Getting her off the cold ground, and holding her tight to his chest. Making sure his jacket still covered most of her, as she trembled against him. He wished he could give it back to her. He wished he could give her the baby they lost. He wished there was a way to put those pieces of her soul back together, but he felt they were lost forever. The day their child’s heartbeat stopped, a piece of her was lost forever. “What do you want now?” He whispered against her forehead.

“You…,” she said without hesitation. Breathing in the smell of his skin and remnants of the cologne she bought him for Christmas, but made her dad give to him. She kissed his neck, before leaning back, and giving the eye contact he needed. To let him see her face, to see he still had her. “I only want you,” she said a little stronger, her fingers caressing his cheek. Running lighting through his beard, as he leaned into her touch. She couldn’t stop the corner of her mouth from twitching, despite what she’d forced herself to confess, he still made her feel lighter. She could finally breathe, as the weight disappeared from her chest. All the lies and secrets she’d kept for so long, were out. He knew what she’d done, and was still looking at her with nothing but love. He was still holding her like he’d protect her from anything. He wasn’t letting her got like she’d feared for over half her life.

Rip couldn’t help turning and kissing the palm of her hand, her fingertips. His heart swelling as he saw the soft smile play at her lips. “You’ve always had me,” he whispered into her skin. Kissing her wrist, before her hand was slipping away, and she was pushing herself up to nuzzle his cheek.

Beth took a moment to feel the softness of his beard against her cheek. The feel of his breath ghosting past her ear and neck. The feeling of his strong, rough hand snaking its way across her belly. For the first time, she took a deep breath, and didn’t feel the sharp pain in her chest. She didn’t feel the guilt and shame, the need to run and hide. She felt free. “I love you,” she said for the first time, feeling her own heart beat a little faster. She’d always felt it. She always wanted to say it back. She felt him hum against her neck, leaving open mouth kisses along the spot behind her ear that made her gasp.

Rip couldn’t help sucking and nipping at the spot on her neck that made a tremor run down her body. He couldn’t help sigh heavy against her skin, as his chest exploded. He never thought he’d hear her say the words. He assumed she’d walk away before opening herself so much, even though he could see how deep her love went. “I know,” he whispered, feeling her smile against his cheek. A shaky sigh against his neck. Her entire body finally relax in his lap. Her lips at the corner of his mouth. He only had to turn slightly to catch her lips in the most emotional kiss they’d ever shared. His tongue seeking out hers, and feeling a violent jolt of electricity run under his skin. The moan that passed her lips sounded different, felt different. Even her touch felt different. She felt like she was finally his. She was finally home. “But it’s nice hearing it,” he muttered against her parted lips, her eyes only connected with his for a moment, but the spark that exploded in her green watery orbs, made him nuzzle her nose and kiss her again. For twenty years, he stayed terrified that she would never come back, choose him. That she would continue to run, until he was no longer around to run from. His entire body relaxed into her, gave what he was holding back, over to her. She was his, and she was home. And now, she could feel the Montana wind in her face, and breathe.