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.oOo.
– “Damn! Where have they been, those good-for-nothings?”
The Great Eye scanned the horizon, casting the harsh beam of Its pupil rimmed with fire.
– “I have nine of them, and not one to whip and bail the others out!”
…
– “Ah! Here’s one! I just look away for a moment, and poof, off they go on a wild goose chase!” He said rolling His Eye. “Okay then, which one is it now? What a stupid idea, these black riders’ uniforms!”
The voice became imperious and sepulchral:
– “This is Sauron! Immediate annular introspection!”
…
– “Well yes, you! Identification of your ass’ ring number! What did you think?”
…
– “N°7! So, what my hell is this? What did you not get about Remain together?”
…
The Dark Lord gave the Palantir His evil Eye:
– “You’re scared of water! Are you kidding me? Cross that river right now and join the others, or I’ll take your ring off you! It’ll age you a few centuries, mark my words!”
…
– “Hello, n°1! … Yes, Witch-king, I’m talking to you! Report!”
…
– “You haven’t nailed it yet? Come on! I dressed you up to die for, I gave you competition-grade mounts, and you’ve been training for three thousand years!”
…
– “I don’t want to hear another word! Get your team together, find that Baggins from the Shire and get back here pronto! And don’t you dare mess about with the gnome on the way! He owes me something! A triffle…”
…
A storm erupted around Barad-Dûr. The Eye-that-never-sleeps shot out lightning:
– “Oh Morgoth! One has to keep an Eye on them all the time, that's exhausting! No, don’t you dare! Do not search him, do not analyse him, bring him back as he is! And stop arguing with my orders! I've got my peeled Eye on you!”
A vicious ocular migraine was gnawing at the Eye-that-never-sleeps. For eons Sauron had been unable to get some shut-Eye. And his Nazgûl’s feats were certainly not to relax him…
Lately, his irritation had even led him to turn a blind Eye to their deeds, thus, to commit a few tactical blunders – minor, of course, since he wasn't short a few thousand orcs, but still, it gave his feared, merciless tyrant image a black Eye... These Nazgûl were getting on his nerves.
The palantír flashed with new objections and tearful protests.
Exasperated, Sauron cut the conversation short, plunging the stone into gloom:
– “Now just SHUT UP and OBEY!”
In the blink of the Eye, a faint scratching was heard at the great gate of Barad‑Dûr.
– “WHAT IS IT?”
– “You sent for me, Master? croaked a loathsome rack of rotten teeth at the slightly opened door.”
– “No, Mouth of Me, I wasn’t speaking to you! But stay, I could use a little conversation Eye to Mouth...”
The Mouth of Sauron, grimacing, made a bow. His obsequious smile, his lips eaten away by leprosy, revealed repulsive fangs. Extraordinary Plenipotentiary of Splendid Authority, Grandmouth Ambassador of Sauron to the peoples of Middle‑earth, the odious figure had clawed his way up to prominence in the Dark Tower, by guile and cruelty. From his mentor he had learned high sorcery in another age of the world.
In short, he was a first‑rate brown‑noser who knew his master’s weaknesses like the back of his hand and who obviously had his own stomach bigger than his Master’s Eye.
Overwhelmed, the Eye‑that‑never‑sleeps confided in his chamberlain, whose treacherous, abominable face wore a honeyed, compassionate expression.
– “I can’t take it anymore, I really am not being supported, Sauron breathed. My Eye feels like a sandbag! I just cannot keep my Eye on the ball anymore!”
– “Managing those ringed morons must be exhausting… But what can you do, Your Horripilation, Eye off it, hearts off it… the sly one murmured in a smooth, soothing voice. What a pity your Execration cannot grant itself some distraction…”
– “I claim whatever I desire! Am I not on the verge of becoming the MAAAAASTER OF THIS WWWWORLD?”
– “WWWWhy! That is so obvious! Under those circumstances, I can only strongly advise Your Repugnance to try the EvilSingles dot com service!”
The Eye‑that‑never‑sleeps, round as a marble, looked at The Mouth in surprise:
– “Elaborate somehow, you Mouth, you’re paid for that!”
– “But certainly, your Abomination! This service connects you with quality people who are just like you… with whom you may exchange vile things, share horrors… Rest assured, only the cream of the crop of evildoers! You might indulge in feasting your Eye on dark beauties… And who knows, perhaps some Queen of Dread, missing from the eternal night of Your Darkness, might just catch Your Eye?”
Sauron eyeballed the miserable Mouth:
– “Oh, come on now! Do you see me putting on the puppy-Eye performance, swooning over the Grim Reaper’s pretty Eyes, exchanging vows Eye to eye?”
The Mouth, bent double, observed his boss with the sly look of an asslicker about to get kicked, but quickly rearranged himself into a posture of situational servility:
– “Your Obscenity is absolutely right, as always! Browsing the listings doesn’t commit to anything. Yet it may allow You to tackle problems with a fresh Eye, to soothe Your Execration! At the very least, You’d meet people who’d help forget those incompetent underlings for a while! You can go in with Eye shut and a grin!”
But Sauron raised an increasingly suspicious Eyebrow. How did that upstart know about that establishment for Villains Illustrious and Powerful? The Eye-that-never-sleeps might need to keep Himself on that sycophant…
However, the Eye-in-question was feeling drained. He reconsidered and, not wanting to sound like a bumpkin, declared in a cavernous, world-weary tone:
– “Yyyyeah, go ahead… call that EvilSingles Service, let me cast an Eye over it! Just make sure it doesn’t cost me an arm and an Eye!”
.oOo.
The Eye-that-never-sleeps, hunched over his palantír, was gleefully browsing one listing after another.
– “So, let’s get my Eye in this…”
Beside him, perched awkwardly on a wobbly stool, the Mouth was scribbling down notes in a frenzy, trying – like the good little suck-up he was – to decipher the reasons behind his master’s cravings and aversions.
– “The unmatched infernal duo Gog and Magog challenge anyone bold enough to form a pair for bridge. Proposed stakes: the Blessed Land!”
Note to self: The Blessed Land is my master’s ultimate goal ; he treasures it like the apple of his Eye! He might agree to team up with a partner for a game of bridge. But let’s not even think about splitting the prize afterward…
– “Madara Uchiha is looking for a buddy for ricochet matches, and a Sharingan if it clicks.”
Note to self: Check whether a Sharingan can be sealed inside a power ring…
– “Master weaver Shelob offers her ultra-durable doilies! Seeking a position as property guardian. Homebody tendencies, but a big fan of culinary exchanges with neighbours.
Note to self: The master seems intrigued. She’s a bit hairy, but a reliable and serious employee is always worth considering… Maybe we could entrust her with keeping a gate of Mordor.
– “Morgoth, imprisoned in the limbo for eternity, seeks a kind soul willing to maintain regular correspondence.”
Note to self: Sauron seems wary of the evil Eye. And for sure he’s reluctant to write to his vanquished former master…
– “Elric of Melniboné is searching for the universal panacea to soothe his health troubles. In the meantime, he’s willing to knight any vigorous soul with his reaper’s blessing.”
Note to self: If a Dwarven ring could be recovered, it would be better spent as a gift to this fiery young man.
– “The Joker, merry prankster and top-tier denizen of the urban underworld, offers his eccentric expertise in amusing chemistry.”
Note to self: Keep that business card, this experience might come in handy to blot out the sun with nauseating clouds on days of major orc invasions.
– “Emperor Palpatine offers private lessons in philosophy and fencing to attentive young minds with flexible morals.”
Note to self: That one really reeks of bastardry! Eliminate any serious candidate like him who might threaten my position as the Mouth.
– “Samael, former Lord of Darkness, is diving back into hands-on and heart-on human experimentation. At his therapist’s insistence, he’s stopped taking bullets, wallowing in Lux-ury, and now leads a support group for anonymous fallen angels.”
Note to self: Intriguing career shift. A royal dead-end that could clear the way for me to become Caliph in place of the Caliph…
– “Lord Voldemort, aspiring Dark Lord. Feeling a bit scattered lately. Seeking new approaches to pull himself together.”
Note to self: Might be useful for reorganizing the Istari Order… That Saruman fellow doesn’t seem entirely trustworthy. But first, make sure to put a leash on his wand.
– “Catwoman, sensual scratches for one and all!”
Note for immediate action: Hmmm, that one, I’d gladly grant her a personal embassy… A renegade, devilishly sly… She’s would jump into danger with a wide Eye open!
But the Dark Lord did not bat his Eye on these listings.
– “Look, Your Ignominy, this one’s a sight for sore Eye: Ursula and Morgana, conjoined octopuses, Duo of Suction Therapists: tickles and hickeys in stereo!”
– “But it’s plain to the Eye: another pair of gold-diggers who would let Me cry my Eye out! Bet they think I’ll share the Precious!”
– “Such clairvoyance dazzles my nights, Your Pestilence! These people are shameless: do they really think they can suck the Eye dry, leeching from the first fool who passes by?”
But the Eye-that-never-sleeps was no longer listening. Again, he was swept away by his obsession, utterly fixated:
– “If anyone dares lay hands on my Precious, then it’s Eye for an Eye! Speaking of, that Baggins won’t get away with it!”
And with that, the Great Eye swept the countryside with his blazing, probing beam…
.oOo.