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A YouTube video opens onto yet another podcast bro, but something about the scene seems different. The fuzzy microphone cover is a bright shade of pink, in a room filled with various hues of pinks and blues.
Hi everyone! It’s your favorite bubblegum podcast, Bubblegum Bro™. Before I get started, I want to thank everyone on my Patreon for the heated discussion on bubble integrity in the sugar vs sugar free gum debate. I have it marked down for a future episode.
Last month's episode on Bubblegum flavor additives to cheesecake, as well as the blue vs pink debate, was particularly invigorating. I am not sure we even came to a final conclusion, however my friends all told me they never want to see another slice of bubblegum cheesecake again. In light of that, I have opted to do a non-food based post this week and let me tell you I am particularly excited about it but, before I begin today's reviews, I have a surprise for everyone!
It's a new day here on Bubblegum Bro™. For the first time ever, I have a co-host who is participating with me. Charlie, would you like to introduce yourself?
Uh… Hi? My name is Charlie?
And can you tell us a little about yourself?
Charlie covers the microphone and whispers to Nick, “Is this real? Like you actually have a podcast about bubblegum? I thought that was just a line or something.”
Nick looks affronted. “Oh no, I never joke about bubblegum. Go on, I'll edit this part out, don't worry.”
Right, um, my name is Charlie and I met Nick on an… uh… app for meeting people.
You can say Grindr Charlie, I am 100% transparent with my listeners about the rigorous scientific processes through which I do my reviews.
Right, uh, we met on Grindr because Nick was looking for someone to help him with his review process.
We sure did! Now I'm sure everyone is on the edge of their seats wondering, so I'll just unwrap the gum, as we like to say here, and get right to it.
Maybe this week it's more about wrapping up the gum?
See folks? This is exactly why I knew Charlie had to join the podcast today, because that is hilarious. And the reason it is so funny is because today's episode is all about wrapping things up – that's right, it's a review of bubblegum flavored condoms!
I honestly didn't know what to expect when I saw the Grindr profile pop up, but it wasn't this. Not that I'm complaining.
Right, so after scouring the internet, I settled on four different brands of condoms that had a bubblegum flavour. Some are old familiar names like Durex and some are more unique brands.
Artisanal, if you will.
This draws a loud combination snort-laugh from Nick.
So the other three brands I found were ‘skins’.
The tagline for that is great actually. On the box it says ‘so tasty you'll be blown away.’
I think that's actually their tag line for all of their flavored condoms, but it's like a double pun for bubblegum!
There was also one by Notty Boy.
Someone in their brand department reads a bit too much fan fiction, if you know what I mean.
I actually have no idea what you mean.
I’ll send you some links later.
And our final option was by ‘One’ and was their flavour waves multi-pack, which was disappointing to me, as I have no need for non-bubblegum-flavored condoms.
None at all? Perhaps if a partner didn't like bubblegum?
Hmmmm. I'd consider it, I suppose.
I'm putting up on the screen my chart with the data. As always I've used a rating scale of one to four for each of the characteristics. For these items I've chosen the following:
- Flavour: accurate bubblegum profile
- Flavour: lingering aftertaste
- Functionality: mouth feel
- Functionality: transference of movement to receiver
The first three I have rated, and Charlie, as the guest reviewer, chimed in on the last one.
Do you have anything you want to add about the process, Charlie?
Just that I was very happy to participate in such an – uh – rigorous study. I appreciated the willingness to do multiple rounds, as well as blind taste tests.
Now, once we averaged out the ratings, there was a clear winner. More on that after a break from our sponsors.
--Ad Break--
Right and we are back. As promised the final reveal – Charlie would you mind hitting the “drum roll” button?
I'll do you one better. Hand me those two pencils over there.
Charlie starts actually drumming in the microphone.
You play the drums? That is so cool.
Nick? You zoned out for a bit.
Sorry. As I was saying, after averaging out all the ratings there was one clear winner, and that was the ‘One’ condoms.
I actually was thinking of trying out the strawberry chocolate flavour myself… If you wanted to do some comparisons to my own ratings in the fourth category, that is.
I suppose, unofficially, but I don't want to mess with the scientific process or call into question the validity of my reviews. There is a reason this podcast is considered the consumer reports of bubblegum flavored items. That strawberry chocolate flavour does look good though.
That's because I make good choices.
Now, as usual, we have uploaded videos of the entire testing process to our Patreon.
A loud sputtery cough comes from Charlie, with a stage whisper of ”We have?"
I can't wait to hear what everyone thinks about having a co-host. Next month I’ll be back with an exposé on free bubblegum sticks included with sports trading cards – tax evasion or true freebie?
For the time being, this is Nick Nelson, the original Bubblegum Bro, signing off.
Nick clicks off the mic and cameras before turning to Charlie.
“Were you serious about wanting to test all the other flavours?”
“Oh yes. All of them. Multiple times,” Charlie replies.